sweet girl, evil poetry.

[heylizzyxmo]

[heylizzyxmo]

for the lessons.

I think about my time spent with romantic partners and I wonder, did they give me anything? Did I trade months and years of pain for fleeting moments and 30 second smiles? Did they bring me anything other than criticism and making me feel bad about who I am, what I believe and what I want? I think back and there were flickers of happiness...seconds where I felt safe before the walls were ripped down and I was plunged into darkness by their coldness. I think about what it was all for and I finally have come to realize that it was for the lessons, because it sure as hell wasn't for the happiness. 

I look at what I'm able to express now, how I can tell someone exactly what I need and how I want to be loved and if they are unable to meet these standards, especially the bare minimum, I don't even think twice about walking away. How I've been treated should be illegal. But it taught me what I will and will not put up with. I don't even go into the place where I used to wallow...I don't think about the person as a bad person anymore. Just because they can't love me the way that is important to me, that doesn't mean they're a bad person. It means they're not the right person for me and I'm finally in the place to recognize my worth in the most extreme way and I will accept nothing and no one except the very best. I have never been afraid to be alone and until I find someone who values me as I value myself, I will keep caring for myself in the way I want to be loved. With kindness, respect, adoration, attentiveness and gentle care. 

05.03.21 11:49 am

[heylizzyxmo]

rip.

You ask me to listen but don’t wanna hear what I say You don’t want advice Just want me to validate every decision And the pity party you have on replay You tell me what’s wrong with my actions Lose your mind when I tell you the same Say I don’t put you first I’ll leave you cause we’re all the same Don’t see how I’ve sacrificed for you To always be here for you, think that I’ll run off and I ain’t gonna stay If you keep disrespecting me Shit, you have slept on me, rest assured I can find my own way Tell me constantly how I don’t understand you When all I’ve tried to do is just stand by you, keep on pushing me away Got so many demons, and these are the reasons you’re scared to live in the gray I won’t stand by and be hammered into I would have rode with you Now I’m not sure I can stay You keep on pushing me Repeatedly dissing me, done getting carried away Won’t let you get to me, Rest In Peace that shit stressin me, nothing is ruinin my day Keep on comin with negativity, ya know that’s the enemy Believe I’ve had it for today I’m done with the drama, the terror, the trauma, think it’s best that I head another way I wish you the best for you, promise there’s some peace for you, now I’ve got nothin left to say 09.28.18 3:16 am

[heylizzyxmo]

ties.

How do you cut someone off and still run in the same crowd

How do you drown someone out when they are yelling so loud

How do you give it all up, when you put your heart in it

Poured every ounce, let it melt, cool off, then broke out of it?

What’s the point of this cycle, living in circles

Letting it eat me up so I drown myself in all the echos

I never meant to let it get this far

But now I’m dying while people tell me who we are

You never gave me a choice, I gave you my everything

You’re smiling still while I am miserable

Never realizing how much you kept me suffering

We kept it going

I settled in for the long haul

But now I hang from the string and I can’t cut you off

Can’t cut

These knotted ties

You strung me up

I’m left wondering if I’ll die

Will I make it out of this alive

You’ve got me tied so tight

It was all lies

Can’t leave you still

Tie it tighter

Let me out!

Cut me off!

Cut the sting!

Pull it all off!

I hate

These strings

Keeping me

Stomach in knots

I can’t cut the string

And you’ll wonder where I’ve gone

When I go missing

I hate, these ties

Stomach in knots

Cause it was all lies

I’m lost

Realize

I cut the string and died

Cause you tied, yeah, you tied me up

You left

Me to die

Waited a whole year

How am I surprised,

That you strung, yeah, you strung me up

10.19.17 5:22 pm

[heylizzyxmo]

censorship.

You don’t get to tell me what to write, that it can’t happen

You don’t get to tell me what my music is supposed to sound like or that I can’t have it

You don’t get to tell me to button up my blazer

That this lip or nail color doesn’t work in my favor

So listen!

You don’t dictate my life you don’t even work here, yo

You don’t have a say in what I wear, who I’m with or where I go

You never gave a damn about that shit a year ago

Now you care so much watching me walk away though

Yeah, there I go

Bye

You looked me in the face, ya told me lies

Called me names made me feel like a failure

I may have hit you but you body shamed me

Made me feel worthless, you know you degraded me

That doesn’t make it right maybe we’re both fucked up

So critical of me, I started to doubt myself

In so deep melting my mental health

I’m crazy!

But you didn’t want this, you never did

You told me that way back in New Orleans

But I didn’t listen!

I don’t know why I couldn’t hear you

Kept thinking if I kept on I’d get through to you

I’ve never been so mad at myself for not being clear to you that you make me wanna die everytime I’m near to you

I gotta get out can’t have you talkin to me anymore

I need a clean slate

Don’t ask me for set times, tickets or personal favors

I’m done!

And I swear to god if we show up at the same show

You better know I won’t be the one who needs to go!

Take notes!

Let’s go!

10.19.15 5:53 pm

[heylizzyxmo]

#xmopoems

[heylizzyxmo]

09.20.16 3:03 pm

[heylizzyxmo]

dandelion downpour.

Emotional downpour of a day the darkest clouds come but I know there's still the sun Rain on weeds, a seed for growth becomes My answer Like a dandelion blown to bits creating beauty upon the breeze in all my torn-up tiny treasures Spread across the lawn I seek to find the quiet and the still In pieces I practice being calm With all my parts, apart I'm whole I've known it all along 9.19.16 6:58 pm

[heylizzyxmo]

9.7.16 #poem #relationships #heartache #depressing #sweetgirlevilpoetry

[heylizzyxmo]

wwwords vs. actions.

What lies on the surface Is not always what is true Some discrepancies help me see Directly through to you W-w-words scream louder! Than your whisper of success s s s All talk taints the silence And I watch you digress Posterize profanity A two-toned texture of insanity Speaking a deposition in repetition Expectant - the opposition - of the same We both know People never change You talk, talk, talk I work, work, work You may have the punchline But I'm unburdened by this rebirth 06.27.16 10:05 pm

[heylizzyxmo]

new kid.

I don't know what I just did Did I write the phrase Or flip the script I don't know if I'm through with it An amateur, a hypocrite Am I sure I am cut out for this? I'm in my head I'm new at this A beginner here Learning through it Now what do I do with it A new skill A bullet to it Target til I shoot through it Brave face Shot forward now When the stage fright wears off Won't bow down Listen My voice Hear it now Sing until The words run out Rewrite the phrase Then flip this script The stage I'll never get enough of it 1.17.16 12:47 pm

[heylizzyxmo]

gratitude.

Thank you For letting me down For giving me hope For allowing me to feel something for someone, anyone For the first time, in a long, long time Thank you For reminding me I have hope For things to change For the realization your morals don't match mine For the way you ghosted me like everyone in my life that has died Thank you For the chance to react and not be bitter but be grateful for the experience For the way my heart beat quick then sank when you let me down For the way I thought maybe, just maybe someone could care about me again For the disappointment I'm numb with and have grown accustomed to Thank you For letting me down For reminding me I could love again and let somebody in Someday, but not today Someone, but not you Because you let me down But I feel gratitude Thank you For letting me lose you 1.14.16 6:55 pm

[heylizzyxmo]

afraid to fall.

I crave what I am truly fearful of, to be known better than I know myself. To embrace an undeniable vulnerability which is unfathomable in my head here and now. To be loved so deeply yet fully accepted ... as the imperfect being I have become. To connect on the highest level. To become entrenched in the romance of a lifetime and never lose myself. Only to find myself more in my lover, my friend. xmo.

[heylizzyxmo]

the way to forget you.

The way you’d never touch me when we were sleeping The way you wouldn’t let me see you naked The way you dipped and smoked The way you never spent any time with me The way you criticized my cooking The way you couldn’t drive They way you never knew where we were going They way you almost got me killed before a show The way you never saw me stand out in a crowd The way you never stood up for me The way you never looked at me The way you never said you loved me The way you never made out with me The way you never initiated sex The way you never paid for anything They way you owed everyone money The way you dodged everyone who you owed money The way you owe me money The way you ruined my birthday trip The way you never showered The way you only ate Mac and cheese The way you didn’t talk to me The way you didn’t talk to anyone unless you were drunk The way you could never be real with me The way you never showed emotions The way you were never aggressive They way you were lazy The way you weren’t motivated to do something with your life The way you always listened to hip hop The way you made me cry The way you never looked me in the eye The way when you left it felt like you died The way you never fought for me The way you never fought with me The way there was no communication The way you left willingly The way you used me The way you never kissed me like you meant it The way I always felt you didn’t care about me The way I always knew you never loved me The way I always loved you The way things will never be the same The way I want to forget you The way I want to forget every reason I want to forget you The way I hope you read this The way I never want to see you again The way I knew we would end The way this is the end

…

[heylizzyxmo]

the storm couldn't last.

If you weren’t dead to me then well, you sure as hell are now the dollar signs a dozen months wasted you had a choice we could have got on but you faked it

a fool’s forgery a foe you’ve made in me i wished you the best now i hope you bleed the things that you lacked a coward, who couldn’t last

i wonder if you fake it for her like you faked it for me i wonder if she takes you on spending sprees i hope she makes you quiver makes you weak in the knees not once did i ever feel you gave a fuck about me

3.4.15 10:10pm

[heylizzyxmo]

non-existent love.

I crave a love I’ll never find That more than captivates, my heart my mind This love will seep into my soul Not thinking straight I’ll lose control A man who makes me better than Any woman or man This world has known This man will be my heart, my home But love like this cannot be found On earth, the oceans or 6 feet down My imagination, a fairytale A tall tale I tell myself In books and art and movies too But still to this day

I look for you

1.26.15 11:27 am

[heylizzyxmo]

all black, all day, every damn day.

Black heart. Black soul. Black clothes. Red hair. Black nails. An all black lifestyle never fails. A fire in the dark, a spark in this burnt out heart. The dark is all I need, . An all black life it is for me. 1.9.15 7:03 pm