รักตัวเอง

Like the moon, part of her is always hidden away. 🖤

[heyroxane]

รักตัวเอง

Rạk tạw xeng in Thai means Love Yourself. I realized that I’ve been through a lot. I fell down countless times. I tasted despair, disappointments and pain. Everytime, I run and hide. Everytime, I cry like a child. But never had I given up. I give myself time to heal then I pick up myself and fight again. My battles taught me how to tend to my own wounds and not to be dependent to anyone else. I’ve learned that I can never be truly happy until I am capable of loving myself fully. ❤️

[heyroxane]

Hey!

I’m back after x years of tumblr-silence. It’s kinda hard but I really want to go back to writing. Lately I’ve been watching series where the main lead is a writer and I feel like it’s my sign to start playing with words again.

So, what’s new since my last entry? Let’s see - promotion, new apartment, new roommate, new car, mama’s US visa. Looking back in the past year, I never really thought that I’d be where I am now. Really, if I work for it, nothing is impossible.

Up next: freelance and US worker’s visa. God-willing 🍀

Grateful,

E, 02.02.2025

[heyroxane]

3 highlights of the day:

Finished a lot of workssss

Almost 12 hrs of fasting. No rice meal today! 🤯

Iced vietnamese coffee kept me alive for a nonstop 11 hrs of work! ☕️

I wish this audit season will come to an end — with a good score to bag that promotion 🙏🏻

[heyroxane]

I’m sharing this because i don’t want to drop a bomb on someone else’s lap, even if they are my best friends. And I also don’t want to talk about it.

I normally have impossible dreams — dreams that involve celebrities or make belief situations I delude myself in while trying to sleep.

I stumbled upon a tiktok video where someone said that realistic dreams tend to come true. And my mind immediately went to a dream I still so vividly remember because of what happened the morning after I had it.

In my dream, I was amputated from above the knee. Imagine my horror when I woke up. That dream was too realistic and I swear the fear was like sweat sticking to my body after my alarm woke me up. And here comes the weird part: I fell hard and on all fours on the sidewalk when I was on my way to work the day after I had that dream. It’s been almost a week but the bruise in my knee is still a rich purple.

I don’t know how to explain this and honestly, I am freaked out by what happened.

[heyroxane]

God, I am back to that dark place. I want to stop trying, to just stay where I am now and accept that I am only this good. But I cannot ignore that small light that shows me what the end looks like. If I take a couple more steps, things will start to get better. I know it was You. Thank You!

[heyroxane]

God, it feels heavier each day.

I feel like I am in my darkest in the past few days. I cannot concentrate on my work. I often daydream about alternative routes that I can take to resolve this. One or twice, I let myself imagine how painful it is if I take my own life. But those last thoughts are immediately blocked by the idea that I will be causing immense pain to the people I love.

I know that I am hanging on to my faith but I can also feel my fingers slipping. I feel like I was left behind. I thought all of these are behind me now but no, I just went back to the bottom of my own hell pit. I find myself asking God ‘why?’ more times than I would admit. I know that this is according to His plan but the pain that I am enduring for the past couple of weeks isn’t something that I would want to have for the rest of my life.

God, I pray for strength to get through this. I know that You put me here because I can do it. Please hold my hand as I walk through this dark path.

[heyroxane]

I don’t get angry anymore. It’s liberating to know that I am past that stage where I can’t control my anger and I explode whenever my emotions are too much and all over the place.

Someone lied to me. I don’t know how long it’s been going on but as soon as I found some clues, I made it my life mission to dig deeper. Today, I found the picture that kept me up all night. He saved a recent picture of his ex on his phone. I searched long and hard for the profile and as I’m looking at her pictures, my heart hurts and I feel like my old wounds was torn open. It took me years to heal from the trauma, only for my walls to come crashing down again.

The old me would’ve thrown a fit and demand an explanation. This version of me now is just focused on pulling myself together.

[heyroxane]

My friend and her boyfriend gave me a ride home after our event today. They just started dating and this is the first time that I’m meeting the guy. As I sit quietly in the backseat, I can’t help but notice the small things that the guy does for her. He lets her check his phone and reply to messages. He constantly checks on her. It was evident that he adores her.

I often get jealous of things like this. Five years with the same guy and I never experienced something like that. There’s no use crying over spilt milk, but I would forever hate myself if I let this carry on longer.

[heyroxane]

They said that when you visit a church for the first time, make a wish and it will come true. When I set foot at 📍Malbato Church, there’s only one thing on my mind. I know that God knows the desire of my heart even if I fail to express my intentions properly but I still want to deliver my prayer in the best way I can.

I prayed for one thing, repeating that same sentence over and over. I want to give up everything in exchange of that prayer. That day, I didn’t know what to expect. I know that God’s plan will prevail and if my desire is according to His plan, He will give it to me at the right time.

Today God surprised me as He continued to bless me with things one after another. This is not luck, I’m certain, this is God working in my life. This is God fulfilling His promises that whatever I ask in prayers will be mine.

Napakabuti mo, Panginoon! There’s still a fear that something might go wrong but I do not claim any negative thoughts and energy. I want to enjoy the things that’s happening in my life right now. ♥️

[heyroxane]

My first journal entry when 2023 started was: This chapter is called “make room”. Now, three months into the year, I’ve already booked tons of flights and visited two of my bucket-list places.

These pictures were taken during my Boracay trip with mama and lola. This is a proud moment for me as I was finally able to spoil them even just for a couple of days. My main goal was to have them enjoy the place and try new things together. And that we did! Their smiles are the most precious thing for me.

This is just the beginning. I plan to tick more items from my bucket list. This year, as well as the next ones are for my goals. I have already started, I’ll only stop when I’m done.

All of this is possible because God never left me. Even when I don’t think I deserve it, His love always sustain me.

[heyroxane]

I hate Mondays.

I closed my laptop and walked out of the meeting room. That’s the fourth and last one today. My wristwatch read 5:45 pm. I heaved a deep sigh and slumped back to my desk. I still have tons of work to do. My shift ends at 6 pm but I don’t think I’ll be going home anytime soon. I saw some people from our department leaving, I’m a bit jealous of those who have dinner plans. I signed loudly and stood up to fill my tumbler with warm water all the while mentally planning which of my work should I do first.

Once I got back to my seat, I took out my airpods and played Taylor Swift’s Era Tour playlist. I pulled up my MS Team’s calendar aka my personal scheduler to check which of my tasks is due the soonest. After more inward curses, I started typing. I need to finish this document within today along with four other files. I almost couldn’t finish the sentences as my mind is too tired to think. I closed my eyes a couple of times and just listened to the music while I try to calm myself and focus.

I sensed someone sit on the chair beside me. I’m pretty sure Jill has something she wants us to gossip about. I was convinced that I won’t be able to finish any work today so I dejectedly opened my eyes just to closed them immediately when I realized who sat beside me.

Kevin. A guy who joined the company three months after I did. A guy who impressed the department with his talent. A guy who is often being asked if he’s still single. I sat properly, took out one of my airpods and turned my head to look at him.

“Can I sit here?”

I almost rolled my eyes. “Sure. Ryan already went home”

Ryan, my teammate-slash-seatmate went home on the dot claiming that he’s just being paid until 6pm.

“You’re the only one left in your team?”

“Yup. Your shift is only until 4, why are you still here?”

“We had a meeting with Germany.”

Ah, yes, meetings. Fvcking meetings. I just nod and replaced my airpods but I lowered the volume on my phone.

We worked quietly. After I sent the last email, I stretched my arms in front of me and checked my scheduler. Kevs waved his hands in front of my face to get my attention. I then removed my airpods and faced him.

“What time are you going home?”

Instead of answering, I asked, “Why are you still working”

“I still don’t want to go home. Where do you live?”

“Rufino.” He nodded.

“Tell me if you want to go home already,” then he smiled. I nodded and continued checking my emails.

An hour passed with us working and chatting every now and then. When I felt like my mind gave up and I can no longer work, I told him that I am done for the day. He then nodded and also closed his laptop.

“Are you hungry? Do you want to have dinner before going home?” As if on cue, I felt and heard my stomach growl. I’m pretty sure Kevs heard it too with the way he tried to stiffle a laugh. I agreed and we started to put away our things. He was done faster than me as I have a lot on my desk. He excused himself saying that he needs to go to the comfort room. When he was gone, everything started to sink in. Why is he asking me for dinner. What is the meaning of this? We never even interacted this long before. We never talked alone! But my trail of thoughts stopped when I saw him walking towards me.

He picked up his bag and asked where I want to eat.

“I’m a gemini. I took too long to decide. You choose.”

He laughed. No one told me I’m funny but this guy beside me laughed!

He shook his head and looked at me like I amused him.

“Okay. Do you want noodles?”

“Can we have rice?”

I’m sure someone told me before that noodles are a no-no for first dates. NOT that this is a date, but there’s no harm in applying the same rule. I picked up my bag and stole a quick glance to the locker area to make sure that I did not leave mine open.

“Come on. Let’s walk around the block and look for a good place.”

I just nodded and followed him out. It feels good to not leave work alone for once.

[heyroxane]

But I can see us lost in a memory

August slipped away into a moment in time

‘Cause it was never mine

I’ve been hearing this song lately and every time, I have this weird feeling in my chest that this song is telling me something. Is it because August is ending in a few weeks or is it because of what happened this month??

20Aug2022

[heyroxane]

Hi, it’s been a while.

So a quick run-through of what happened to me in the past 18 months or so: I started a new job (happier with the compensation btw), covid is still a thing but we’re starting to get used to wearing mask and things are slowly going back to normal (or new normal ig).

I also had my first TB with my new team and I have some funny stories about that night. I’ll tell you about it next time 😆

20Aug2022

[heyroxane]

Pune airport is like the domestic airport in my home province. It’s small compared to Delhi, Guangzhou and NAIA, and it took forever before our luggages rolled out of the conveyor belt. After making sure that we has everything, my workmate and I made our way to the exit. We were told that someone from the hotel will be picking us up. And we immediately saw him holding a paper with our names on it. We waved at him and confirmed we were the guests he was waiting for so he took some of our bags and we followed him to the parking lot. Unfortunately, the man spoke a little to no English at all so we were a bit quiet during the hour ride. Sobrang pagod kami sa byahe kaso parang nakakapanghinayang na matulog lang when there’s a lot to explore. Pune is a bit like the areas just outside Manila. I was just looking outside the window, trying to take it all in. Ang saya magtravel, lalo na kung all expenses paid.

When we arrived at the hotel, we were greeted by the staff. We filled out some paperworks then they accompanied us to our rooms. Which was wooooow really huge. It’s fancy and I think i haven’t stayed in a hotel as nice as this one. And we each have our own rooms. Nice! Before the hotel staff left, he mentioned that the wifi password is on the leaflet. So i left all my bags unpacked and proceeded to connect my phones to the wifi. Typical me. Which made me regret my decision because then my phone was nonstop ringing with various social media notifications. I waited for several minutes pa and when i can no longer hear anything, i opened my phone and looked for that one message that I was expecting.

“Hindi na ba kayo nakalapag? 😂 Ingat ka, chat ka pag nakarating na kayo.”

I almost burst out laughing nung mabasa ko yung message niya. Oo nga pala, i promised that i would send him a message during our lay overs. Kaso i couldn’t use messenger in both airports. I checked the time and it seems like tulog na siya so i sent him a message instead saying that we just arrived at the hotel and I’ll talk to him later that day.

This is how it started.

[heyroxane]

Delhi at night.

This was during our connecting flight from Guangzhou to Delhi. Second flight before our destination, we are in a foreign country with a different timezone. My heart was bursting with excitement and a bit of fear as our three weeks stay will not a be a walk in the park.

I was asleep when the plane took off from China late in the afternoon. I cant remember if this was a five or eight hours flight but my bladder woke me up at around midnight and I had to the wake up the Chinese man sitting at the aisle-side so i can go the lavatory. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep after that so I just stared outside the window. Not seeing anything because we are over the vast body of water. It was also the first time that I let everything sink in. I didn’t even realize that I was crying. I was heartbroken, sleepy, tired and anxious. But I was traveling for work so I suck it all up and focused on anything but my personal dilemma.

Then I saw it.

I saw the nightlight in Delhi twinkling like stars beneath us. And it felt like everything will be okay. I have never felt so in love with something in my whole life. It was so comforting and magical that I spent the remaining hours in the air taking videos and pictures of the view. After that, i’ve always wanted to fly at night.

[heyroxane]

“That person ruined me.”

No. You ruined yourself because of that person. It was your choice. It doesn’t mean that it’s solely your fault, though. But once you accept that fact, you can reclaim yourself. Go back to the person you once were. ❤️

[heyroxane]

I hate myself.

I hate that i have to live like this. Nakakapanghina na umabot ako sa ganito, na pikit-mata kong tinatanggap lahat ng panloloko na ginagawa sa akin. Why? I always ask myself. Bakit hinahayaan ko lang?

“You deserve what you tolerate.” I can’t keep Ellen Adarna’s famous line out of my mind. Oo nga naman, ako ang nagpapahirap sa sarili ko. But what people doesn’t know is that I am stuck in this situation. Kaya sobrang sama ng loob ko na nagkaron ng pandemic. If it isn’t for the lockdown, I could’ve saved myself and my mental health. Kasi hirap na hirap na akong ipilit yung isang relasyon na alam ko namang wala ng patutunguhan.

This also one of the reason why I badly want to have a work with higher pay so i can move out of here and have my own apartment where i can work from home freely. Lord, sana before my birthday. 🥺