Things your friends with social anxiety disorder wish you knew:
Unlike the name implies, social anxiety is not fear of people or crowds. The illness is as likely to occur in extroverts as introverts.
My favorite definition is a phobia of humiliation.
So this can include many things, but it mainly comes down to others’ perceptions. SAD sufferers can be afraid of being seen as sloppy, ugly, inappropriate, perverted, crazy, dirty, whiny, incompetent, needy, immodest, slutty, impulsive, dirty, unstable, messy, clingy, cold, awkward, stupid, know-it-all, conceited, avoidant, rude, stuck-up, oversharing, prudish— you get the picture.
Read those words again. It’s not fear of being disliked. It’s fear of being humiliated. Being thought of as any of those things is specifically humiliating.
The fears range from taboo to simply embarrassing, however irrational.
We struggle to form beliefs, values, and self concept. Any interaction could leave us feeling guilty, either in the moment or (even more scary) out of nowhere, long after the interaction. Remembering my life is like rewatching a movie but sometimes it has a horror soundtrack at random. We think: it can’t all be bad. I must be overreacting. We’re left fumbling around, unable to identify which feelings are real.
Disappointing authority is terrifying. When we do mess up, we fear the worst possible consequence. When I was a freshman, I heard a rumor about myself from another kid. I had a panic attack lasting hours because I thought all my professors had heard and believed this thing of me.
We have a lot of physical symptoms. Stomach, bladder, tight shoulders, awkward, nervous mannerisms, a stutter. All these things are cyclical and make it worse. I have one wish and it is to be in a tight ball covered in spikes for the rest of my life.
It’s a porcupine. I wanna be a porcupine.
The illness is more likely to occur in someone with features that make them conspicuous such as weight issues, a tremor, no hair, or any other physical impairment.
Or, behavior symptoms like struggling to make eye contact, difficultly not interrupting, obvious learning issues, or being held back.
Not everyone is self conscious about these kinds of things, nor should they be. But those with social anxiety feel like there’s a neon sign over our heads listing whatever the stuff is.
It’s not unusual to use substances to lower inhibition and get through parties and meeting new people. Of course, this creates the circular problem of later being even more embarrassed. It’s just as normal to overcompensate with humor and bluntness. Personally, I don’t think “claiming it” is necessarily a good coping strategy. Transparency isn’t the same thing as vulnerability and also you have the right to privacy.
Shy isn’t a bad word. But shy isn’t a mental illness either. SAD is deep-seated clinical terror of being cringe.
We struggle to seek support. In reality, we’re going through it. We literally know we’re going through it. When the truthful answer to “hey, how was your day?” includes your experience of mental illness, you’re not going to give your real answer.
When we do seek support, it’s usually in the form of a joke. Remember what I said about transparency vs vulnerability. There’s clear like glass and there’s clear like plastic. Sometimes you have to get close and touch it to tell the difference.
We replay conversations obsessively in case maybe this time we won’t sound so weird in our own heads.
“Just be yourself!” is not helpful.
It’s not fair either. The sanest homie on the planet has no default “self.” We exist in context and community. You wouldn’t answer “uh just wear ur clothes?” to someone who was nervous about the dress code to an event or interview.
People with social anxiety can be charismatic
People with social anxiety can have depression
People with social anxiety may be rude, snarky, or prickly because they’re so uncomfortable. Think April Ludgate. This is actually a lot more common than traditional “shy” behavior.
Or they might be super nice and fawning.
Or totally frozen and awkward.
What we want most is compassion. But how can you expect or ask for such a thing with all the features that come with this illness?
Just because we complain in anticipation doesn’t mean we don’t want to do something. I can know I’m gonna have a great time at a party, and in fact have a great time, but be miserable the week leading up to it. It’s mixed messages but I don’t really wanna be talked out of my life.
There’s literally so many ways this can play put and I think it’s as applicable to Tumblr as anywhere. ❤️
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