"There's an invisible voice that is talkin' to me" @hiding-from-the-truth - Tumblr Blog

There was a light knock on the door to Shuichi's dorm room. The pianist stood outside, rocking back and forth ever so slightly on her heels. Her own place had been feeling a little... empty lately, if she had to describe it. So here she was, determined to try and reconnect with some of her older friends. (@ask-shslpianist)

Saihara hadn’t been doing well. He’d been isolating himself from everyone and rarely left his dorm. So it made sense that now someone was here to check on him now. It takes him too long to motivate himself to actually get up and answer the door. Though in this scenario, it makes sense as to why.

He at least tries to make himself look presentable before opening the door.

Seeing Akamatsu has him stall, pausing as he looked over her, as if he were seeing things. “A-Akamatsu… Uhm… Come in, please.” He awkwardly steps aside, though not before looking past her at… the reflection in the window? Odd.

“I’m sorry I… I haven’t been feeling well recently. I haven’t meant to be… distant.” His eyes find a spot on the floor to focus on before looking up to her. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

[ @ask-shslpianist ]

ask-shslpianist

Kaede’s bright smile that she had been ready to greet Shuichi with faltered slightly at seeing the state that Shuichi was in, even if he’d made an attempt to look a little nicer. Was something wrong? Is he okay…?

She stepped inside, glancing back at Shuichi once she’d done so. “Don’t worry about it— it’s really okay. It’s really nice to see you again, by the way,” she quickly added. “There’s nothing you needed to do for me, I just wanted to see you again and wanted to see how you’d been doing. But if you haven’t been feeling well lately, I can always come back another time,” Kaede offered, not wanting him to feel forced into a conversation with her.

hiding-from-the-truth

“It really isn’t, no one should have to see a friend like this…” That’s what she was. She wasn’t here to confront him by no means. She was visiting. At least that’s what she said.

He closed the door behind her, turning to give her his full attention. “Some company… would be nice if it’s not too much trouble…” He almost mumbled out, as if admitting he was lonely was burdensome. Likely she wasn’t here to shoulder his problems, so if she didn’t ask he wouldn’t tell.

“How have you been? All things considered… It’s been a while since we’ve talked.” He offers a wavering smile her way.

ask-shslpianist

“Don’t say things like that— it’s fine, really. That’s what friends are for, after all, right? Being there for each other?” Kaede assured him. “But I’d love to stay here for a little while, especially if having company would help. In all honesty, I’ve been feeling a little lonely myself, so I’m glad we can help each other that way. A lot of my friends are out of town right now, and I can’t really contact them, so I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with concerts and stuff. What about you, though?” she added, tilting her head slightly. “What’s been going on, do you want to talk about it?”

hiding-from-the-truth

“You’re too kind, really I don’t deserve it.” He says sincerely, holding a hand over his heart. “Regardless I do appreciate it. What I’m going through… it’s a lot to handle. And I’m sure you don’t have enough time or patience to unpack it all with me. There’s much more lighthearted things we could discuss certainly. Like your concerts. How have those been?” He tries to shift the topic from himself then. He doesn’t want to feel like more of a burden by dumping something on Akamatsu’s shoulders that she was ill equipt to handle.

“A-Ah how rude of me… I haven’t even offered you a chair. Would you like to sit down?”

ask-shslpianist

Kaede frowned a bit. If she didn’t know better, she’d almost be a tiny bit offended by the way Shuichi insisted that she didn’t want to listen to his problems, or at least didn’t have the patience. But she did know better, and she knew he didn’t mean any harm— he was just stuck in the mindset that nobody would want to help him. “Oh, um… sure! That’d be great, thanks,” she replied, in response to his offer of a chair.

The last thing the pianist wanted was to talk about her concerts. Besides the glaring other part of her life right now, she’d thrown herself into concerts, and she already thought about them all the time. But Shuichi wanted to know, right? “So… I’ve been doing a lot more concerts closer to home recently. Reminds me of all the competitions and recitals when I was younger, especially with all the new pieces I’ve been learning,” she explained.

hiding-from-the-truth

With her approval, he takes her further into the room offering her the chair while he sits on the foot of the bed. He nods attentively as she spoke, though his left hand held a tremor to it. “What new songs have you learned? I’d like to hear you play one day…” He says softly, putting as much emotion as he can muster into his words. It was exhausting really, but he didn’t mind for his friend.

ask-shslpianist

Kaede took the chair, pulling it back a bit before sitting down. She noticed his hand shaking, which only made her feel more determined to help. “Oh, um… one of my favorites that I’ve learned recently was Borkiewicz’s Elegie, but… of course, really, I’d love to play for you someday,” she offered, preparing to turn the conversation around.

“But really, how have you been? I promise it’s okay to talk about it if you want, I’m more patient than you think,” she added with a soft smile. “I don’t want to talk about myself this whole time, trust me. You’re my friend, and I want to know how you’re doing,” she assured him, leaning forward and lightly placing her right hand on top of his left— in such a way so that it’d be easy for him to move his hand away if he decided that he didn’t feel comfortable with it.

hiding-from-the-truth

When she lays her hand atop his, he pauses going so far as to hold his breath. His gaze falls from her to their hands as he tries to process the contact. Her hand is warm, and it holds a weight to it against his own. Just another confirmation he wasn’t making this up. When he realized this he relaxes visibly. His shoulders slumping into something more eased. His forced expression falling into something a bit more blank, bleak even. She was here, living and breathing in front of him.

And he was neglecting their conversation.

“It’s… a lot to handle… Are you sure you want to hear it?” Saihara looks back up to her then, his eyebrows knit together in an almost worried way. The last thing he wanted was to overload her with his issues. “It’s not pretty either… But if… if you really want to know I can tell you.” He can’t hold their eye contact any longer, looking off deeper into the room. It’s hard to even admit to himself there was a glaring issue in his mental health, and Akamatsu was trying to get him to spill his heart out to her. This wasn’t going to be pretty. He knows that for a fact.

“If it gets to be too much though, please tell me to stop… I don’t want to make things bad for you. I don’t want to overwhelm you, and a lot of what I have to say I don’t fully understand either.”

ask-shslpianist

Kaede watched his expression carefully, wanting to make sure she wasn’t overwhelming him. She felt a little relieved to see him relax, instead of tense up or flinch away. Maybe she was getting somewhere…

She listened carefully to him as he talked. A lot to handle… not pretty… jeez, is it worse than I thought…? Even so, that only made Kaede want to help more. The pianist stood up halfway, moving her chair closer to the bed before sitting back down, placing her hand back on top of his. “Shuichi, trust me when I say that if you getting this off your chest and having someone to talk to about it will help you in any way, I’m more than glad to listen to you.” She turned her gaze off to the side, not wanting to do anything that might pressure him into making eye contact he didn’t want.

hiding-from-the-truth

Saihara takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself before speaking. “I’ve been…” Sighing, he turns back to face Akamatsu. When he noticed she wasn’t looking directly at him, his gaze falls once more. “I’ve been… hearing things, and seeing things that aren’t real. I’ve been having violent thoughts… But everything feels like memories. And I keep hearing about a time loop? But that’s not possible is it? That doesn’t make sense. That’s the kind of thing that’s in novels. Not real life. I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone… I don’t want t-”

The more he speaks, the more his voice wavers. He cuts himself off when his voice cracks. His vision starting to blur from welling up tears. His free hand clamping over his mouth to stop any involuntary noises from leaving him as he shuts his eyes tightly. “Everything I see, or hear? It all feels like it’s happened before… I don’t know what it means…” His voice is softer now, aside from being muffled by his hand.

ask-shslpianist

She noticed him look up at her out of the corner of her eye, and Kaede turned to look at him again, ready to listen. She may not have known what was going on, but Shuichi was her friend. And she was going to do her best to help him, no matter what the issue was.

The pianist listened intently, gently squeezing Shuichi’s hand as he started to falter. She didn’t want to interrupt him, but at the same time, she knew she had to let him know she was there for him. “Hey, hey, listen. It’s okay, alright? You’re here, in this moment, right now, with me, okay? And I’m not leaving until you want me to,” she insisted. “If you need to cry, it’s okay to cry. We can take a break if you need it, I’ll go get you tissues or something.”

“I might not be an expert on this kind of stuff, but… violent thoughts don’t make you a violent person. I know that’s not who you are. You just told me yourself that you don’t want to hurt anyone. Your thoughts don’t define you. Your words and actions do. And you are one of the kindest, most genuine people I know. Thoughts that last half a second don’t change that,“ she assured him, brushing her thumb over the back of his hand in an attempt to comfort him. “But I can’t say much about the time loop thing— I can only imagine that being really scary. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel the way you feel. Can I ask something about that? Has this happened before— my visiting you and this conversation?”

hiding-from-the-truth

Using his free hand, he tries to wipe away tears. He needs to calm down or he’d fall apart in front of someone he looked up to. “I don’t… think so. But… thinking too much about it gives me migraines and nose bleeds… I can try to answer your questions, if you have any else for me.”

“I just… I don’t understand it myself. I want to be of more help but I can’t if I might hurt someone one day. I really don’t want that to happen Kaede…” He looks up to her, those tears still lingering in his eyes and his hands shake. He’s crumbling at the seams and he hates it. Saihara was trying his best to keep himself together in front of her, but Akamatsu had a way of pushing past his barriers.

ask-shslpianist

“No, no, I don’t want to push you.” Kaede insisted, shaking her head. “If thinking about it too much will hurt you, then that’s the last thing I want you to do. I won’t bring up the time loop unless you do,” she assured him.

“Trust me, I don’t want something like that to happen. Nobody does. But not once in my life have I ever worried that you would hurt someone. Not now, not in the killing game. You are an incredibly kind, caring person, and I don’t believe that you would do anything with the intent to hurt someone else. You might not believe that, but that’s what I see, from an outside perspective,” Kaede explained.

hiding-from-the-truth

Saihara pauses then as she sung his praises. Is that really how she thought of him? It does help, hearing those reassurances; especially from her. His expression softens into something that could be considered relief. "I'm glad that I seem somewhat put together..." A weak laugh leaves him as a few tears slip past amber eyes. "It at least tells me I'm doing well enough at it. I'm really trying-" His voice catches in his throat once more. A choked sob leaves him. He hates crying in front of her. It pains him in all honesty.

"It's just so hard w-when I always feel like I'm surrounded by death. T-These hallucinations are too much for me to handle and it hurts..." He's trembling in front of her. His arm wrapped around himself tightly, but his hand never leaves hers. "S-Sometimes it's me d-doing it- Or I found a body- God sometimes it's... It's someone killing me... I just feel so disconnected from myself! I don't feel like myself! I'm losing touch of what's real and what my mind is making up!" That's when the breakdown overtakes him. He's put things in too many bottles and overflowed them. It was as if Akamatsu was a cat knocking every bottle off the shelves he so carefully built.

#interaction #int: kaede #ask-shslpianist #long post

Genesis.

#Saihara's Mindwave #tw liminal space

「 ig: m_mokatt 」

hours blur as you spend your day waiting for the sun to set, to rid you of the heat, of the fever. your shadow grows longer and you watch it, and you watch it, and you watch it. it is hot, and you are waiting.

#Saihara's Mindwave

hiding-from-the-truth

There was a light knock on the door to Shuichi's dorm room. The pianist stood outside, rocking back and forth ever so slightly on her heels. Her own place had been feeling a little... empty lately, if she had to describe it. So here she was, determined to try and reconnect with some of her older friends. (@ask-shslpianist)

Saihara hadn’t been doing well. He’d been isolating himself from everyone and rarely left his dorm. So it made sense that now someone was here to check on him now. It takes him too long to motivate himself to actually get up and answer the door. Though in this scenario, it makes sense as to why.

He at least tries to make himself look presentable before opening the door.

Seeing Akamatsu has him stall, pausing as he looked over her, as if he were seeing things. “A-Akamatsu… Uhm… Come in, please.” He awkwardly steps aside, though not before looking past her at… the reflection in the window? Odd.

“I’m sorry I… I haven’t been feeling well recently. I haven’t meant to be… distant.” His eyes find a spot on the floor to focus on before looking up to her. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

[ @ask-shslpianist ]

ask-shslpianist

Kaede’s bright smile that she had been ready to greet Shuichi with faltered slightly at seeing the state that Shuichi was in, even if he’d made an attempt to look a little nicer. Was something wrong? Is he okay…?

She stepped inside, glancing back at Shuichi once she’d done so. “Don’t worry about it— it’s really okay. It’s really nice to see you again, by the way,” she quickly added. “There’s nothing you needed to do for me, I just wanted to see you again and wanted to see how you’d been doing. But if you haven’t been feeling well lately, I can always come back another time,” Kaede offered, not wanting him to feel forced into a conversation with her.

hiding-from-the-truth

“It really isn’t, no one should have to see a friend like this…” That’s what she was. She wasn’t here to confront him by no means. She was visiting. At least that’s what she said.

He closed the door behind her, turning to give her his full attention. “Some company… would be nice if it’s not too much trouble…” He almost mumbled out, as if admitting he was lonely was burdensome. Likely she wasn’t here to shoulder his problems, so if she didn’t ask he wouldn’t tell.

“How have you been? All things considered… It’s been a while since we’ve talked.” He offers a wavering smile her way.

ask-shslpianist

“Don’t say things like that— it’s fine, really. That’s what friends are for, after all, right? Being there for each other?” Kaede assured him. “But I’d love to stay here for a little while, especially if having company would help. In all honesty, I’ve been feeling a little lonely myself, so I’m glad we can help each other that way. A lot of my friends are out of town right now, and I can’t really contact them, so I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with concerts and stuff. What about you, though?” she added, tilting her head slightly. “What’s been going on, do you want to talk about it?”

hiding-from-the-truth

“You’re too kind, really I don’t deserve it.” He says sincerely, holding a hand over his heart. “Regardless I do appreciate it. What I’m going through… it’s a lot to handle. And I’m sure you don’t have enough time or patience to unpack it all with me. There’s much more lighthearted things we could discuss certainly. Like your concerts. How have those been?” He tries to shift the topic from himself then. He doesn’t want to feel like more of a burden by dumping something on Akamatsu’s shoulders that she was ill equipt to handle.

“A-Ah how rude of me… I haven’t even offered you a chair. Would you like to sit down?”

ask-shslpianist

Kaede frowned a bit. If she didn’t know better, she’d almost be a tiny bit offended by the way Shuichi insisted that she didn’t want to listen to his problems, or at least didn’t have the patience. But she did know better, and she knew he didn’t mean any harm— he was just stuck in the mindset that nobody would want to help him. “Oh, um… sure! That’d be great, thanks,” she replied, in response to his offer of a chair.

The last thing the pianist wanted was to talk about her concerts. Besides the glaring other part of her life right now, she’d thrown herself into concerts, and she already thought about them all the time. But Shuichi wanted to know, right? “So… I’ve been doing a lot more concerts closer to home recently. Reminds me of all the competitions and recitals when I was younger, especially with all the new pieces I’ve been learning,” she explained.

hiding-from-the-truth

With her approval, he takes her further into the room offering her the chair while he sits on the foot of the bed. He nods attentively as she spoke, though his left hand held a tremor to it. “What new songs have you learned? I’d like to hear you play one day…” He says softly, putting as much emotion as he can muster into his words. It was exhausting really, but he didn’t mind for his friend.

ask-shslpianist

Kaede took the chair, pulling it back a bit before sitting down. She noticed his hand shaking, which only made her feel more determined to help. “Oh, um… one of my favorites that I’ve learned recently was Borkiewicz’s Elegie, but… of course, really, I’d love to play for you someday,” she offered, preparing to turn the conversation around.

“But really, how have you been? I promise it’s okay to talk about it if you want, I’m more patient than you think,” she added with a soft smile. “I don’t want to talk about myself this whole time, trust me. You’re my friend, and I want to know how you’re doing,” she assured him, leaning forward and lightly placing her right hand on top of his left— in such a way so that it’d be easy for him to move his hand away if he decided that he didn’t feel comfortable with it.

hiding-from-the-truth

When she lays her hand atop his, he pauses going so far as to hold his breath. His gaze falls from her to their hands as he tries to process the contact. Her hand is warm, and it holds a weight to it against his own. Just another confirmation he wasn’t making this up. When he realized this he relaxes visibly. His shoulders slumping into something more eased. His forced expression falling into something a bit more blank, bleak even. She was here, living and breathing in front of him.

And he was neglecting their conversation.

“It’s… a lot to handle… Are you sure you want to hear it?” Saihara looks back up to her then, his eyebrows knit together in an almost worried way. The last thing he wanted was to overload her with his issues. “It’s not pretty either… But if… if you really want to know I can tell you.” He can’t hold their eye contact any longer, looking off deeper into the room. It’s hard to even admit to himself there was a glaring issue in his mental health, and Akamatsu was trying to get him to spill his heart out to her. This wasn’t going to be pretty. He knows that for a fact.

“If it gets to be too much though, please tell me to stop… I don’t want to make things bad for you. I don’t want to overwhelm you, and a lot of what I have to say I don’t fully understand either.”

ask-shslpianist

Kaede watched his expression carefully, wanting to make sure she wasn’t overwhelming him. She felt a little relieved to see him relax, instead of tense up or flinch away. Maybe she was getting somewhere…

She listened carefully to him as he talked. A lot to handle… not pretty… jeez, is it worse than I thought…? Even so, that only made Kaede want to help more. The pianist stood up halfway, moving her chair closer to the bed before sitting back down, placing her hand back on top of his. “Shuichi, trust me when I say that if you getting this off your chest and having someone to talk to about it will help you in any way, I’m more than glad to listen to you.” She turned her gaze off to the side, not wanting to do anything that might pressure him into making eye contact he didn’t want.

hiding-from-the-truth

Saihara takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself before speaking. “I’ve been…” Sighing, he turns back to face Akamatsu. When he noticed she wasn’t looking directly at him, his gaze falls once more. “I’ve been… hearing things, and seeing things that aren’t real. I’ve been having violent thoughts… But everything feels like memories. And I keep hearing about a time loop? But that’s not possible is it? That doesn’t make sense. That’s the kind of thing that’s in novels. Not real life. I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone… I don’t want t-”

The more he speaks, the more his voice wavers. He cuts himself off when his voice cracks. His vision starting to blur from welling up tears. His free hand clamping over his mouth to stop any involuntary noises from leaving him as he shuts his eyes tightly. “Everything I see, or hear? It all feels like it’s happened before… I don’t know what it means…” His voice is softer now, aside from being muffled by his hand.

ask-shslpianist

She noticed him look up at her out of the corner of her eye, and Kaede turned to look at him again, ready to listen. She may not have known what was going on, but Shuichi was her friend. And she was going to do her best to help him, no matter what the issue was.

The pianist listened intently, gently squeezing Shuichi’s hand as he started to falter. She didn’t want to interrupt him, but at the same time, she knew she had to let him know she was there for him. “Hey, hey, listen. It’s okay, alright? You’re here, in this moment, right now, with me, okay? And I’m not leaving until you want me to,” she insisted. “If you need to cry, it’s okay to cry. We can take a break if you need it, I’ll go get you tissues or something.”

“I might not be an expert on this kind of stuff, but… violent thoughts don’t make you a violent person. I know that’s not who you are. You just told me yourself that you don’t want to hurt anyone. Your thoughts don’t define you. Your words and actions do. And you are one of the kindest, most genuine people I know. Thoughts that last half a second don’t change that,“ she assured him, brushing her thumb over the back of his hand in an attempt to comfort him. “But I can’t say much about the time loop thing— I can only imagine that being really scary. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel the way you feel. Can I ask something about that? Has this happened before— my visiting you and this conversation?”

hiding-from-the-truth

Using his free hand, he tries to wipe away tears. He needs to calm down or he'd fall apart in front of someone he looked up to. "I don't... think so. But... thinking too much about it gives me migraines and nose bleeds... I can try to answer your questions, if you have any else for me."

"I just... I don't understand it myself. I want to be of more help but I can't if I might hurt someone one day. I really don't want that to happen Kaede..." He looks up to her, those tears still lingering in his eyes and his hands shake. He's crumbling at the seams and he hates it. Saihara was trying his best to keep himself together in front of her, but Akamatsu had a way of pushing past his barriers.

#interaction #int: kaede #ask-shslpianist #[ sorry this is late ;; ]