Hiding In The Raindrops

I'm not talking to anyone in particular, just myself

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058 - Thoughts on Lucy

That would be the movie and not a random human being. Although in the film we are talking about a human called Lucy so I’m not really sure where that leaves us.

I have just watched this film for the second time while on the train back home for a little Easter break. My initial thoughts while watching the countryside flash past the window and the credits roll up my laptop screen: a strange existential contentment... Let me explain:

An existential crisis is the feeling of “what is the point, we are merely a spec in time, we will all die someday, and in 1000 years no one will know or acknowledge our existence”. This is not a particularly happy thought or feeling and is usually experience at low moments in life when everything seems to get too much and we start questioning if it’s all worth it.

Contentment on the other hand, is a feeling of being satisfied with something - not overly happy but not disappointed. It’s the happy balance we feel when everything is calm and okay.

I explain my reaction to Lucy as existential contentment based on the following:

The film ends with our antagonist having all knowledge to everything in the world. She has unlocked 100% capacity of her brain, can travel through space and time, knowing, hearing, seeing and feeling everything all at once. The films (stunning) closing montage demonstrates just how much of time has passed in the universe, and emphasises how we are each nothing but a scratch in the universe’s existence.

Looking out my window, watching the countless trees and houses roll by, I think, ‘what if someone really did exist in all things, watching, feeling and knowing everything all at once?’. I get a wave of contentment. I feel that it is ok. Ok not to live forever. Ok not to be remembered. Ok not to be concerned with what we do in our lives. Ok just to be that spec.

We may not be all knowledgeable and we may not understand the meaning of life and we may not be the best people 100% of the time. But the important parts of life are simply the feelings we feel. What makes us happy, what makes us excited and what we want to do with ourselves. If you are happy then you can be content with the existential situation we exist in.

That’ll be all for my philosophical pondering today.

As always I’ll keep you updated. Laters t’internet!

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057 - oh Brother

My brother is in town which is really nice. He arrived last night, we cooked dinner and ate together. Today I have classes but we are going to hang out between my lectures then go for dinner tonight.

I really like spending time with him even if we end up talking over each other. I'm glad I have such a loving brother too - I know I'm lucky and it's nice to acknowledge that.

Uni is going ok. I'm glad exams are over and I'm trying to stay on top of my work this semester.

Food is alright, good and bad days - more good than bad though so there is a positive.

I've not been to the gym in a long while but I don't really feel bad for it. I'll try and go a minimum of once a week just so I can say I have been.

Black panther comes out in just 12 days and the hype is real. I literally can't wait.

As always, I'll keep you updated. Laters t'internet!

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056 - Selective Memory

I’m guilting I know.

Here’s how I know. When I lie in bed each evening I remember that I want to be fit and healthy and in shape, then it’s like my brain decides to temporarily forget that while I stuff my face the next day!

(I’ve actually been ok today but I want to put this out there)

The same thing with studying - yes I hate my degree and I don’t like reading for hours about things like databases and networks but I seem to always forget that I feel better once I have done some studying.

If I could just train myself to never drop that thought from my mind then all would be gucci.

We’re halfways through the exams - 3 down, 3 to go. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow’s one but c’est la vie.

As always, I’ll keep you updated. Laters t’internet!

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055 - Not jealous...

Listening to my flat mate and his current grinder date going at it next door... I'm not jealous, just recognising that he is currently getting more than me and he's a gay catholic boy... I need to get out more.

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054 - Sleepily Successful

Exam went well! I’m really happy with how the day turned out.

It’s now half past 3 in the pm and I’m snuggled in bed (having just done a lot of binge eating but feeling surprisingly ok about it) and I’m going to zonk out in a few hours then attempt to get up early again tomorrow and repeat this wonderful day!

tomorrow will be 100 days until the Cheerleading worlds. I’m not going this year but i’m going to do my worlds diet again! That means no chocolate and keeping it under 1500 kcal every day. I’m actually looking forward to it already.

As always, I’ll keep you updated. Laters t’internet!

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053 - Bet Another Blip

5am on the day of my exam - i’ve done an all nighter because of the lack of work I put in during the day as an attempt at making myself work but no. I didn’t look at a single piece of work.

The worst part about all of this is that I don’t even feel bad for it. I seem to have no guilt at not working for these exams. It feels as though it’s due to how miserable the degree is making me, so I convince myself that is justification enough.

I’m taking my iPad to the gym now with a bunch of revision on it. The plan is to run/crosstrain while reading it over and over. I’m hoping some of it might just sink in before I have to head to my impending doom of failing my second exam in a row.

UPDATE: iPad is out of juice so will need another way of getting the info there. Handwrite it?

As always, I’ll keep you updated. Laters t’internet!

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052 - 1 down 5 to go

Exam one is officially done.

It's safe to say it was not my best work but I knew that going into it and the questions were not the easiest. It didn't help that the entire second half was based on one topic alone which constituted one lectures' content.

Onwards and upwards to the next one though. I'm getting my sleeping pattern back on track as best I can. This is the 2nd day I have been up before 7am which I'm very proud of.

I will be heading to the gym and soon as I hit post then getting down to revision for Thursday's upcoming exam.

UPDATE: I did not go to the gym, I did not do much revision and I did not make healthy food choices.

As always, I'll keep you updated. Laters t'internet!

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051 - Pretty Shitty

Had a BAD couple of weeks.

Got an exam in less than 20 hours which I'm well and truly fucked for. I've been wallowing in self pity, doubt, and sadness which has led to more self pity, guilt and a SEVERE lack of motivation.

It was almost a click of the fingers though. This realisation that I am the only one causing this. If I was watching someone else behave this was I would not have sympathy, I would be wondering where it went so wrong and why they won't make a change.

I've accepted that tomorrows exam will not go the best but what I can do is make a real push for the next ones.

I will turn this around. I will get back on track. I will not let my self sabotage last any longer than it already has.

I am going to get on top of this now and salvage what I can of this degree. Focus on it for the next 18 months then be done with it.

I'm setting myself a strict schedule which I intend on sticking to because O know it will make me feel better in the long run.

As always, I'll keep you updated. Laters t'internet!

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050 - Feeling Better

It’s been an up and down few days following Christmas but I’m feeling better about everything. From my health to academic work.

The three things I have set out to achieve every day in 2018 are:

- Academic work - Health and fitness - Socializing

The plan is to work on each of these every day with a solid effort. As long as I try my hardest each day then I will be happy.

Today I’m heading to the cinema with my brother and my mum. I’m actually looking forward to it and seeing The Greatest Showman.

If I feel like it, I will try and write a review on the film when we get home.

As always, I’ll keep you updated. Laters t’internet!

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049 - Happy Holidays

I’ve had such a wonderful Christmas. Sharing the time with family and American cousins.

Before everyone arrived I spoke to N and told her everything that has been happening at Uni and how I’m feeling about my course. She was much less frustrated than I had expected and it was such a relief to be able to tell her without a blazing row or some sort of miniature explosion.

I’m on the train heading back to Manchester now for a few days. I’m looking forward to having some time by myself so I can focus on studying and being healthy without anyone keeping a beady eye on me. I would also like to make one short trip to the peaks for a photo session since there is a little snow at the moment.

When I get back to London later this week, my cousins will be back from visiting other cousins so we will have one final day together before they fly back to the states.

My daily videos are going really well and I just about managed to keep up with them over the holiday. I’m still unsure of whether I will ever share them with the world but for the moment I’m very content just making them for myself.

I’ll try to post everyday I’m in Manchester mainly for my own sanity and to make sure I’m keeping my sanity in check.

As always, I’ll keep you updated. Laters t’internet!

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Tu es beau... you are beautiful.

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Sunday vibes coming your way...

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Teach. Learn

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048 - Winter Wonderland

Spent the evening at Winter Wonderland in London with one of my best friends.

It was so good to see her and explore the magical christmassy Hyde Park. I feel prepared for Christmas now and cant wait for the rest of my cousins to arrive (1 of 5 is already here).

I did a good amount of work this morning too so I’m feeling positive about that.

As always, I’ll keep you updated. Laters t’internet!

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047 - I Did It

So I had the conversation with N

There wasn't an explosion. There was no screaming or crying or door slamming. She took it pretty well and I'm very glad it's done. This is not the end though since now she is going to worry and constantly ask if I'm ok etc.

At least there was no explosion.

I'm heading to London this afternoon with a friend of mine to see the Christmas lights. For the day though I'm going to be reading about Algorithms...

As always, I'll keep you updated. Laters t'internet!

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Heard while bouldering and had to ask what it was called - therefore, song of the day.

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046 - Good Times

Had a good couple of days seeing friends and hanging out with my brother. I'm feeling happy and healthy (despite pressure feel otherwise from a certain someone).

I'm looking forward to some Christmas celebrations and seeing our American cousins.

It's doing me good being away from home and staying busy but I need to give some time over to revision or the possibility of failing my exams could get real.

As always, I'll keep you updated. Laters, t'internet!