Change Is Good

26. Sun in Cancer. Moon in Libra. Methadone Maintenance- 75mg liquid every morning. Trying to get back in touch with myself after years of heroin addiction.

[hidragonfly]

PART FIVE

After Andrew and I tried the Suboxone I stole from my mom we both knew opioids were now our drug of choice- even though niether of us mentioned it to each other. The abuse from him continued to get worse: busted lips, choking, throwing things. Mental abuse as well, he would tell me that if I didn’t have him I would have no one since my mom was always in the city getting drugs or at work. He made me believe no one loved me. Two weeks after I broke up with him I went to the beach with my father. On my way home from the beach I called my mom and asked her where she wanted to meet us so I could come home- that’s when she told me that we had been evicted. All our stuff was in storage and her and her boyfriend David were staying in a trailer with David’s parents. I felt betrayed, why had no one told me we were in danger of being evicted? I didn’t get to go thru my stuff and pick out the stuff I wanted to take with me- it was all just loaded into a storage unit. David’s parents trailer was so uncomfortable- for one it was in the middle of no where and two me and my mom had to share a bed while David slept on the floor in the room. I couldn’t stay there, especially since my mom and David would be gone for hours going to get high, leaving me alone there. I called my grandparents and they said I could come stay with them. It felt so strange considering they had kicked me out two years before for stealing my grandmas pills and getting fucked up at school. I was so grateful to them for letting me stay there. Once I was settled in I asked my mom multiple times if she would take me to the storage unit to get my clothes, books, artwork, all the notebooks I wrote in for years. She always said she would take me and it always fell thru. The result being that she lost the storage unit and I never got any of my things back. It hurt to loose my furniture but worse than that was loosing all the things I had written and painted- knowing a stranger dug thru it all and read my personal thoughts and feelings. I was starting from scratch.

[hidragonfly]

PART FOUR

Maybe now is a good time to discuss my relationship with drugs. When I was little I idolized drugs, everyone in my family did them and growing up I thought it was completely normal. When I was 11 (2006) I went to stay with a relative because most my family was going out of town for a funeral. My older sister, Kim, came over to keep me company and she had weed. She asked if I wanted to smoke and I jumped at the chance. I was so excited to see what it was like. From that day forward I loved weed. I would go to my sisters house every weekend to drink and smoke. One of those nights I tried coke for the first time. I did not understand the hype, I liked the numb feeling it gave me but that was about all. Once I met people my own age who were into smoking I made a ton of friends. I had the “cool house” where we could get away with smoking weed and cigs or sneak out at night. My best friend at the time, Kylie, and I would tell our families we were at each other’s houses and would really go to parties with high schoolers and stay up all night. When I was 14 in 2008 I tried Shrooms for the first time. I absolutely loved it. Kylie and I sat in my bedroom listening to the Grateful Dead, Widespread Panic, and Sublime until the sun came up and then went out and danced with the flowers in my yard. All my experiences with drugs up to this point were positive and I thought I’d smoke weed forever. I took ecstasy for the first time when I was 15 and thought it was the most amazing feeling ever. I viewed my entire life and future thru the lense of drugs and I didn’t see anything wrong with it.

Of course my mom being in and out of jail, on the run or using should have made me steer far away from drugs or at least opiates. Unfortunately it didn’t.

[hidragonfly]

PART THREE

While staying at my uncles I had more freedom. I started staying out all night and then getting ready in the morning for school but ditching after first period to do it again. It came to a head when I didn’t come home for 3 days. I spent that time running around doing drugs with older people and not going to school. My mom started searching for me and when she finally found me I had been up for 48 hours doing coke and had just taken 3 percs. I was in bed car nodding out as she dragged me back to where she had been staying, I was no longer welcome at my uncles. Very shortly after she got us an apartment. Her, David and I were to live together.

At first life in the apartment wasn’t so bad. She wasn’t completely clean but she maintained our rent. I continued doing drugs and partying but now I had a place where my friends could come. Our apartment became the trap house. One of my most guilty moments was not realizing it was Mother’s Day and my mom coming home to 15 people in the house with drugs scattered all over the dining room table. At some point I calmed down. I started dating this guy and so I started spending time at home with him and just smoking weed (which my mom was okay with). This guy, Andrew, started living with us and while my mom didn’t like that, she was happy to have me at home and not running around with all these older people doing hard drugs so she let him stay.

Unfortunately Andrew was abusive. We would fight a lot. He got physical with me on multiple occasions. I stayed with him though because he convinced me that if he wasn’t there I would have no one. That was easy to believe since my mom was gone when I woke up and usually didn’t come home until late. She was using more and more. I found needles in her bag and truly thought Andrew was the only person I had. Around this time I tried suboxone for the first time. My mom had the orange pills and Andrew and I snorted a little each. We were so fucked up. I fell in love with opioids again.

[hidragonfly]

PART TWO

I guess this would be a good time to speak on my mother. She died of a heroin overdose in 2017. She began her heroin addiction when I was around 2 years old. When I was 3 she married a man, Kenny, and they built this beautiful home out in the mountains. What I didn’t know as a toddler was that when building the house they buried a trailer under the home to grow marijuana. I have 2 distinct memories of my mom rushing my step dad to the ER for an overdose. When I was 6 our house was raided by the police. There is a newspaper clipping stating that they seized over $500,000 worth of weed and heroin- the paper stating it was the largest drug bust in the regions history. I was sent to live with my mothers parents and my family lied to me, I was told my mom was sick in the hospital. She ended up doing some time in prison while my step dad ran to Canada and was caught almost 2 years later.

When my mom did get out of jail it started a long journey of her being on probation, violating, going on the run, and then getting locked up again. I can’t say the number of times she went to jail. It was a lot. One of the times she got out of jail she started dating this guy she knew it high school, David, and he had also become a heroin addict. They used together and ran together.

[hidragonfly]

PART 1

My mom warned me about pills. But growing up like I did, I didn’t care if it wasn’t good for me. I tried Vicodin for the first time when I was 15 (2009). This guy I went to school with, Jimmy, had figured out how to get into his grandparents safe where they kept their meds. He would sell me 3 10 mg pills for $20. I’d walk around asking people for money for lunch and then use it to buy from Jimmy. I loved the feeling. One day I saw a pill bottle at home, they were benzos. I snuck a few and they looked so small that I thought I’d need a lot of them. I took 5 before school. I blacked out of course and all I remember is being put in a wheelchair and taken to the nurses office where I was sent home with a drug test. My uncle picked me up and as I was sitting there contemplating my punishment I ran away. I called my much older friends and disappeared for a few days. When I finally came back my mom was waiting with the drug test. When I failed for THC and Benzos I was kicked out of my grandparents house where I had been living. As a temporary solution I was to live with my uncle and cousin until my mom could get us a place.

[hidragonfly]

Deciding to write my story. I think it’s what I need to move forward. There are a lot of things I’ve blocked out of my mind.

[4sss]

Matter cannot be created or destroyed. This love has always been the same. It has always existed. For matter of the heart cannot be created or destroyed. My darling, I will always love you.

J.c.A

[thegoodvybe]

[thegoodvybe]

[thegoodvybe]

[thegoodvybe]

[compulsive]

[mypsychology]

Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions

For more posts like these, go to @mypsychology​

[understands]

[arivers610]

“10/25/18 Can you teach me how to love? I think I’ve forgotten or maybe I never knew how to begin with. I should’ve started with myself but I took everything I had and spread it out among people who didn’t deserve it. I became so thin that people could knock me over with one look. My ears bled from listening. My hands red and raw from holding onto people who became ghosts. I thought being needed was the same thing as being loved. But I never wanted to be needy. I took the weight off so many peoples shoulders that it should have made me strong but it didn’t. It made me weak. Fragile and timid like my voice. But as long as they felt better that’s all that mattered. They mattered. Their happiness meant more to me than my own and that’s why I still feel empty”

— I’m still not okay

[friendly-animals]

(Source)

[september-stardust-deactivated2]

There is a familiarity in loving you. It’s the kind of familiarity that comes from dancing together in the middle of a crowd, our moves making sense only to each other, feeling both funny and right at the same time. It’s the kind of familiarity that comes from the way our hands fit the first time we touched, as if we’ve found the last piece in a puzzle and we can now breathe easy.

There is a familiarity in loving you. It’s the kind of familiarity that I’ve done this before, that I’ve met you before, that I’ll meet you again - like our hearts know each other by name, like our souls call each other home.

-

1354. I don’t need to call you by name to know that I love you