A

is now a heathen (don’t believe all my old religious posts)

[not-so-blue]

@giftober 2023 | DAY 6: RED

Aragorn's red tunic in The Return of the King (2003)

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

i will learn how to cook a stew pls marry me sir

[butts-of-the-barricade]

Let it be known that I would die for Todd Anderson

[kireiharuka]

; please let me stay just a little longer,  to feel the joy and happiness of living on this earth. please don’t take me away.  

[herhmione]

shit i just want to go to like……. an isolated little town on the coast of like england where the waves crash against the cliffs and send up a spray and it’s always a little rainy and dreary and the green is so green with dew and life and the houses are small and cozy and always smell like baked bread and tea and it’s perpetually foggy outside and i can wear sweaters forever and read a book by the fireplace or out in the garden and it sort of just smells ancient and where everyone just minds their own business and life is good and once in a while i bike to the nearest village with a market and spend the day shopping around and maybe i’ll have a dog who likes to follow me around and we just….. live

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

i have always imagined a beautiful life when i grow up, surely the books in my youth had me fed up—verily and well enough

a beautiful life has different perspectives and perplexities and mine would be anything but the life i am living right now (says the ungrateful bad ass i.e., me)

i feel like sharing a bit

roughly around 5 years ago, i started to intentionally devote some time learning more about myself: what inspires me, what drives me so mad, my come-and-go places, which in the types of friend do i fall in, how essentially i react to things, what catches my attention, how long short i get fickle about almost anything, and just. every. little. sort. of. what. makes. me. who. i. am.

but after all those trying years, there is still so much more that i do not know yet

and in fact, i must admit... i still hardly know myself

sometimes i envied those people who don't care so much about everything for i have this strong belief that they are the ones who get to live their lives at its fullest

crazy enough how this melancholic phase stayed longer in my life than expected—i thought it was just a teenage thing—but the older i get, the more it persisted

as each passing night grows old, i want to stop watching myself dwelling into those false perplexities of a beautiful life and the more that i do, the more that i realized i have imprudently created a world for several fine characters of the ideal me—to heck with all these things that are confusing me right now

i'm tired being a mixed-up disarrays of all these acquired fictional hobbies and personalities, diy-ing my life into reality

[sahind]

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) Directed by Peter Jackson

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

jane eyre lockscreens i made for myself (2011)

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

sayonara 2017

idk maybe i’ll just edit this one some later time in 2018 i got no fuel right now lol (just typing what comes to mind first)

hey future self, these are the things that i don’t want you to forget, okay? prolly not obvious but i swear you developed your character this year through your almost unbearable highs and lows

here ya go

1. you will be surprised by how much people appreciate you

honestly, i used to be a sucker for validation but i worked really hard to relinquish that fatal-causing desire along the way. except only, well, knowing other’s thoughts as to how they perceive my being, that’s another story

i also used to be an “okay that might be great but i can survive without it just fine” person

the solitude was nice and comforting. i actually needed no one and never did i think people would ever need me so it’s a win-win, i guess i was enough for myself. until that one time i got so knocked out to the point that even myself failed to be my own cheerleader

“ahh girl you need people around you or else you’ll never make it” outcries haunted me and sure enough those were scary

you see, i got friends (so many i have lots of circle) but i’m certain you’ll get it when i say that it doesn’t always feel like you do. that’s why i think i have boundaries because not everyone deserves to know you. i wasn’t faking them at all, it’s just… there are limits

the only time i felt i was a real faker was when finally, one by one, i tried to undo each brick of that huge wall i kept building for myself for who knows how long. i started separating the toxic while letting others in. it might seem like a random gesture for others but honestly, that was a peak of change for me which i really had to work hard for. just look at that, i was trying to fix myself and get my life together while cheering others with their own lives, such a faker with sometimes a nice life decision hehe

i had progress, made new friends (online and offline), but only this last quarter i found it too overwhelming when i realized how much connection and ties i already made with people (even those wonderful beings i never thought would be a friend to me) like wow self look at u who are u now, such pleasantness

and then all of a sudden i was internally screaming ohmyfreakingrudolf what have u done why is it happening why is everyone started opening up stuff with me im panicking why do i feel so trusted i dont know i dont deserve this what did i do ahhh you guys

*breathes deeply*

*smoothes out shirt*

you guys, i’m not complaining and i swear my heart couln’t be more grateful and i swear i can’t contain this overflowing validation i get from you (you know who you are). it’s not only me helping you but you helping me to actually realize that my existence is worth the oxygen i ever consumed… it feels so warm

i’m not used to people (especially those i don’t know much) telling me they appreciate me and glad that they happen to know me and now look who’s not crying because i swear i’ll never get used to it and i hope i never forget all these feelings of self-worth and acceptance i actually received despite this cruel world

and now, here i am, not regretting i actually stepped out of my own box. it doesn’t feel safe but i’m far more than certain that it’s all gonna be worth it 💕

((one friend told me “sometimes i wonder how do you let it all out. i mean, i vent things out to you and i know others do as well but i just can’t help it but think… is there anyone who you could open up to? i hope you don’t absorb all these negativities” SHET I ALMOST CRIED THAT TIME BUT AHAHA I’M FINE I WAS ALWAYS LIKE THIS AND I SWEAR IT HELPED ME A LOT THAT PEOPLE APPRECIATE ME MAKING ME FEEL I’M NOT ACTUALLY ALONE, AT TIMES))

2. this year has brought you the wildest, the most remarkable, the darkest, the toughest, and the most exceptional

indeed the most accurate representation of a roller-coaster of emotions; with all these almost, as i already said, unbearable highs and lows, how else could you beat me up, 2018?? you gotta amaze me, step up

so 2017 started out just nice and fine, i was so inspired and hopeful and full of rainbows and sunshine only until the start of the second quarter where the goddamn acads kicked in

from finals to qualifying examination to internship to another hopeless sem woah wait life you really got to chill your butt out i’m literally dying

one day before the quali, i had the worst panic attack. EVER. i’m lucky it doesn’t scare me anymore when i get to think of it. my eyes were bloody red, my hands and feet were too cold, too numb. my head or the veins or my brain or idk was exaggeratedly throbbing in pain, it was unstoppably palpitating and spinning and it was really out of control. my throat and chest were cursing me for a painful torment. everything around me unexplainably felt unreal that time i really can’t fully describe it

i texted my mom “ma tawag ka pls asap” out of fear of not knowing what else might happen, she then replied “bakit na naman ba” i did not text her back. i sent a message to one of my group chats, all i got were cute little round icons under my balloon. i tried calling a few friends but not a single person answered. yeah i know that’s depressing like wow universe you’re my only ally don’t make me hate u

but before all that, i was in the kitchen table with my books in front me. my grandpops was the first to notice, i thought i was just having a headache when he said, “bat ka umiiyak? namumula mata mo” i was clueless and so i replied i was just having one of those terrible headaches. i felt it rising so i took a shower because i needed to hide that sudden uncontrollable burst of tears. by the time i was done, he already left the house

it did not stop right away, my cousins even told me “ate hahahahaha gagi nagdudrugs ka ba?? tekk umiiyak muka kang naka-drugs hahahahahahahaha” okay so now i don’t really mind it because i understand that they don’t understand bUT CAN U JUST IMAGINE ALL THE FEELS I WAS HAVING THAT TIME?? i locked myself inside my tito’s room and cried for like 4 hours straight and i’m not exaggerating. it only stop when i fell to sleep because i couldn’t cry anymore (i still remember my hair being wet when i woke up, silly me)

that really traumatized me but i swear after that doom, i no longer fear death. also, it made me realize how tough of a person i am like wooh girl you got that unbreakable thing inside you ahh there’s no way you can’t endure whatever comes your way

anyway!! this year also brought me adventures, to be fair. i got to visit van Gogh is Bipolar in Maginhawa last July, my safest haven, my therapeutic getaway. also, my Loving Vincent experience w/ the pink flamingo wonderland in Black Cinema was unforgettable. it was the best birthday i had, given that i’ve always hated celebrating that day (ahahaha that was why i tried asking for poems!!)

this year, i also met some of my co-advocates in MentalHealthPH in the DOH compound aahhhh i miss them already! #TeamKAPIT all the way!! apologies for my creatives team i know i’m such a disappointment i can’t always go with you guys but i hope to do better in 2018!!

shet i don’t know what to say na hahaha i won’t ever forgive myself if i ever forget all the happenings that molded me into the person that i am right now, there was so much development (even i know i was getting better before and now obviously i’m not pero laban)

thank you, self, above all else!! i am so proud of you for speaking up, for asking and reaching out to get a real help (yes i was so desperate of getting better that i had to do therapy without telling anyone because you know there were times when you just can’t do further anymore and even pretending you’re fine doesn’t work well as before)

which brings me…

3. the only resolution i have for 2018

keep up, self

and above all else

stay alive

this has been a hell of a ride, 2017!!

thank you for all the polishing you did, undeniably painful, yes, but can you still even think of a thing that’s gonna outshine this little potato? and that’s all thanks to you, sayonara! 💝

((i know i don’t have much audience here but if you happen to read this entire thing, will you please at least let me know? arigatoooouuu))

121518 UPDATE: I remember writing that last part because that was the first time I opened up in a public platform. You did just right, girl. I will be forever thankful!

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

who would have thought that you would make me cry 2 years later

[i-wrotethisforme]

The reasons we do things that lead us to life changing moments are sometimes very random, so seemingly random that it makes me wonder how random they actually are.

[sosuperawesome]

Floral Hair Accessories

Elibre on Etsy

See our #Etsy or #Crowns tags

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

mom, i want this on my wedding day

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

[forthehungryboy]

You know when people say “I watched this movie because you talked about it” or “I’ve been listening to this artist because I know you like it”, tenderness

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

today is the first sunday service of the year and i ugly cried over a lot of things when i only want to hear at the end of it all is this

(listen to the song, believe me, it melted my heart a thousand times)

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

PSALMS 92

⚓ It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High, proclaiming your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night

Psalm 92:1‭-‬2 NIV

I asked in my prayer that He reveals to me whatever it is that He wants me to do. I was honestly pertaining to whether I should retake the once-I-have-failed licensure examination or not. But I laughed a little because why did I ever forget my desire to write a song for the Lord. It was August 30, 2018 when I wrote this:

"I WILL SING FOR YOU AS YOU SING FOR ME, LORD ALMIGHTY"

⚓ ... I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Psalm 27:6

Everything went so twisted when I have failed the exam. All the plans that I had in mind were all thrown inside the bin of dead hopes and dreams. Emotionally and spiritually, I am okay but the idea of having to go through all those things all over again (plus the TRAIN 2 and the Corporation Code and whatever-else-I-dont-know amendments), I just. don't. know. The plan was to start an audit firm with my two other friends after acquiring enough practical and hands-on experiences. For our work, we agreed that we would rent a dorm so we can still continue our nighttime devotions even if we happen to work on different firms. It was even planned that I and one of these friends would enroll to a music workshop when we are already earning for ourselves. Well yep, they all vanished in thin air.

But, of course...

⚓ How great are your works, Lord , how profound your thoughts! Senseless people do not know, fools do not understand

Psalm 92:5‭-‬6 NIV

I do not want to be a fool anymore who doesn't understand. I just want to recall all the greatness in His presence right after I saw the result of my exam.

I was worshipping Him in broad daylight.

Crying and begging Him to just tell me that I made Him proud. That He was still happy even though I did not make it.

Of course, He met me again. Who would not want to comfort His child in her pain and brokenness?

Then there, He repeatedly told me:

YOU KNOW THAT I AM ABLE. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I COULD HAVE DONE THAT SO EASILY. YOU KNOW THINGS ARE NEVER IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME. YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW THAT NOTHING IS HARD FOR ME. EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU NEVER DID YOUR BEST, OR EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE NEVER CAPABLE, I CAN STILL MAKE THAT HAPPEN. I AM NOT LIMITED TO WHAT YOU DID OR WHAT YOU DID NOT. YES, YOU'RE RIGHT WHEN YOU SAID I WAS LOOKING AFTER YOUR PAPERS RIGHT FROM THE MOMENT YOU TOOK HOLD OF IT UNTIL THE MOMENT IT WAS ALL CHECKED. AND NOTHING HAS EVER SLIPPED FROM MY SIGHT. EVERYTHING WAS MY PLAN. I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING. NOW, JUST TRUST ME. AND OH, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. CHEER UP. YOU DID WELL. I LOVE YOU, CHILD. YOU ARE REALLY MAKING ME SO PROUD.

If it wasn't for the Lord, how would I ever be able to bear it all?

⚓ You have given me the strength of a wild ox, and you have chosen me to be your very own.

Psalms 92:10 CEV

THANK YOU, LORD

YOUR GRACE HAS KEPT ME STANDING ON THE SOLID GROUND

YOUR FAITHFULNESS HAS DONE IT ALL

I JUST WANT TO SING YOUR PRAISES FOREVER

*plays FAITHFUL by Elevation Worship*

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

PSALMS 91

⚓ “Because he loves me,” says the Lord , “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

Psalm 91:14 NIV

⚓ The Lord says, “If you love me and truly know who I am, I will rescue you and keep you safe.

Psalms 91:14 CEV

"IF YOU LOVE ME AND TRULY KNOW WHO I AM"

It is not enough that you know Him because you have heard of Him every Sunday or you get to see pictures of Him when you were still young. Or probably you often share posts in your social media accounts including bible verses and stuff. It is way more than that.

Yes, He is a God of provision and abundance and promises and all any other good things you could have possible heard of. But He is also the same God who loves revealing Himself in His child's weaknesses, trials, hopelessness, and pain.

IF YOU LOVE ME—I noticed how these two same ideas were repeated in the passage.

⚓ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord , “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Psalm 91:1‭-‬2 NIV

⚓ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent.

Psalm 91:9‭-‬10 NIV

You say it "THE LORD IS MY REFUGE" but you also have to make Him your own personal dwelling. Simply make Him your first stop whenever you need to be comforted, your first go-to for an advice, your first rants absorber. That is when the Lord will truly appreciate that you love Him: that your commitment with Him is not limited to an hour per day, or on Sundays. You are committed with Him in everything that you do and think 24/7.

Also, it reminded me of these:

⚓ “If you love me, keep my commands.

John 14:15 NIV

⚓ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

John 15:10‭-‬12 NIV

It is so important to always have a heart check with regards to your love for the Lord. How real it is? Are you willing to go deeper?

Even me, I often forget how serious this matter is. Of course, the Lord's love is never-changing but we have to always be vigilant in our faith (ESPECIALLY WITH OUR PRAYER LIFE) because I am telling you, the enemy, he is so sneaky and ever-so-ready to destroy. So if the devil is so serious about it, then we have to be WAY MORE serious about Jesus because that's the only way.

All any other verses in the passage are the promises to His beloved. Oh, how I want to live them all!

⚓ Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Psalm 91:3‭-‬8‭, ‬11‭-‬13‭, ‬15‭-‬16 NIV

[high-functioning-egg-yolk]

2018 was crazy and so are they

[autoimmuneamy]

“Do you want to talk about it or be distracted from it” is honestly the best thing you can say to me when I say im sad/in pain etc.

[luckytwodollarbill-deactivated2]

this is really good advice to say to anyone who is upset

[elaxisfae]

Alsooo may I add: “do you want advice or do you just want to vent?” Is also good to add because often unsoliticited advice can further hurt someone who really just wanted a listening ear.