Oh

Makenzie/14

[amargedom]

““You see, one loves the sunset when one is so sad.””

— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince (via naturaekos)

[jediianakin]

“life is a fist fight and you’ve given the devil a gun.”

— oh, sinner, you better run | a.m.

[drunk-on-writing]

“i am more alive during the night than i ever am during the day like the bat, i crave adventure and i let myself soar until i get lost like the wolf, i cry to the moon and now she knows all my secrets like the owl, i cannot sleep and my head spins ‘round with ravenous thoughts”

— (cc, 2017)

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”

— Juliette Lewis

[riffatmatinpoetry]

“I don’t need to be around people that always put me down and make me feel worse about myself.”

— Affirmation of the day.

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“When you do what you fear most, then you can do anything.”

— Stephen Richards

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“Best friends make the good times better, and the hard times easier.”

—

[deadwatered]

I first tried to kill myself when I had just turned 19 years old, to this day I remember the feeling of the pills going down my throat, swallowing them so effortlessly as though it were my destiny. As though I was built with this capacity  to self destruct, built with the capacity to destroy this body that my mother pushed out into the world. ‘Ironic,’ I thought. A month after my birthday, I try to take my life, I end up in the psychiatric ward of the hospital I was born in. I make a tally for every time I looked around the empty room and wondered how I could make things final this time. I make a tally for every time someone says I don’t look like I’m supposed to be there. I make a tally for every lie I’ve told: Were you sexually abused? [x] Did you have prior suicidal thoughts? [x] Would you do it again? [x] Do you use drugs or alcohol? [x] I lie and deny it all, but how do you deny what’s in your blood? I was built with an addictive personality, my mother likes pretty little white lines and risky sex and my father likes hard liquor and smoking cigarettes.  I was built with this capacity to deceive, built with a baby face and angel wings, but I sink my claws and watch myself bleed whenever I can’t feel a thing. And I’m decomposing, hiding empty bottles in my closet, in the hamper, and under my bed. I can’t flourish with the thoughts screaming, ‘USE ME, USE ME. DON’T HANDLE WITH CARE.’ So don’t ask me why I hate the beach, because I can’t control anything around me other than my food intake. And don’t ask me why I can’t wear shorts anymore or why I wear long sleeves in 80 degree weather. Don’t ask why I stay in places I shouldn’t when I’ve already accepted my fate. To live as fire, consume all that I can, before I quickly burn out.

(via deadwatered)

[deadwatered]

I’m missing the memories more than I miss you and I dream about you with other girls, doing all the things you promised not to. Then I remember subtle things, I remember your distance and how suicidal I felt in the silence. Then I remember, moments where everything tasted like ice, melted faster than I could take it in, when you would kiss me, when you would hold my hand, when your heart would beat faster than you got tired of me. I think you were afraid to say that you were settling, that you were leaving before you could even arrive. I watched a part of me die, and I became you, I became just as distant, as you could and then you get worried, and you became present, wondering where I was going. I think I’m afraid to say that with you I’m settling, that temporary won’t satiate the needs of my heart, that you were the reason why my art had gotten so dark. You were always so careless with me and I tried to hold you like water, but you always slipped through my fingers like you weren’t anything to hold onto. And you tried to hold me, only when my fire was dim enough to see yourself through. Forgetting about you comes slow and easy, forgiving myself and letting myself grow is beginning to come naturally. I am blossoming in the death of summer now that I am no longer under your control.

(via deadwatered)

[help-n-quotes]

I stopped telling myself that I’m lost. I’m not. I’m on a road with no destination, I’m just driving with hope that I’ll find a place that I like and I’ll stay there. I’m not lost, I’m on my way.

Ahunnaya (via help-n-quotes)

[deadwatered]

I love you almost apologetically I’m sorry for how much space you take up in my heart

(via deadwatered)

[ashleymacleanblog]

I shouldn’t need validation from others, but I do. I want somebody to show me how important I am. I just want to feel like somebody needs me as much as I need them.

validate me (via ashleymacleanblog)

[lovelustquotes]

Sometimes I look at you and I can’t understand how someone before me didn’t see what I see, sometimes I look at you and I can’t understand how someone before me didn’t notice a whole beautiful universe hidden within you, sometimes I look at you and I can’t understand how someone before me looked at you and didn’t find every single thing they’d been searching for in a single human being, and sometimes I look at you feeling glad that they didn’t, because if they looked deep enough to see all of those things within you, then I would’ve never been able to.

Ruby Dhal (via lovelustquotes)

[brokeboiii]

i used to wanna kill myself came up still wanna kill myself my life is going nowhere i want everyone to know that i dont care

lil peep - omfg

[a-z-lyrics]

we think too much // lil peep

[quotemadness]

I like simple things, books, being alone, or with somebody who understands.

Daphne du Maurier (via quotemadness)

[inkbyaporia]

I find myself crying in my best friends bedroom at two am asking myself how the fuck I fell so deeply for a boy I never saw coming. I bite my nails to the quick and smile half heartedly but never for long. I feel dizzy upon standing on my feet and wipe my tears in public bathrooms, straightening my makeup so many times in one day I wonder why I bother putting it on anymore. It’s not like there’s anyone I have to look nice for, anyway. “Its either there or it isn’t,” you say. I lay in the bed I loved you in asking where I went wrong again, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and every beat aches for your touch. My lips still taste like you and my fingertips still remember the firmness of your body against mine, when all we had to do was breathe and be together and move. Why cant everything be as simple as kissing is? Why can’t it all make as much sense? “It isn’t there,” you tell me. “I knew from the beginning it wasn’t there.” When I’m with you I find myself asking myself why the fuck I’m doing this, spilling my love over someone who will wipe it off of his clothes before he leaves again. “Just go,” I tell you, when all I want to do is pull you so close so you’ll stay. But you look down at me like you almost feel bad for me for falling in love with someone like you. Someone who is tall and beautiful and honest and completely uninterested in the idea of loving them in return. “Is that your girlfriend?” Someone asks you when we are together. “No,” you say too naturally, too loudly. I try not to flinch as I stare down at the dinner you got us, curling my toes against the truth I’ve been trying so desperately to be okay with. Maybe that means I don’t respect myself, that I’d give everything you want if you only asked for it. Because I felt as lonely as I did in the darkest times of my life when you held me. Still unloved. Still alone. Yet here with you. Every kiss I gave you was a question, every sigh that escaped my lips was a plea for you to please, please, give me something more than this. But you hugged me without your hands lingering on my body and by that time tomorrow you said I was never different to you. I was in grocery store on a Sunday afternoon wondering how the hell I’m going to get through today and tomorrow and the day after that without you, I was wandering through midday thinking about whose lips you’re kissing now. And I have dreams of ripping my own heart out of my chest as if the pain you left me was something that can be held. But it can only be felt. And feeling was something you were never good at. You didn’t seem to even care when you told me you felt nothing for me, as if shattering heartbeats like violin music gone shrill was clockwork instead of something girls cried over when their loved ones weren’t looking. “Where do you want to go from here?” You asked me, and it took everything in me not to say the only place I wanted to be in was your arms around me, where I could sleep soundly because I knew I was the only girl you wanted to hold. I wanted to be in a world that doesn’t exist and that is why I bury my face in my pillow at night and still shiver when the scent of you is on the wind.

-ap (9.17) this is what it feels like when you touch me and this is what it feels like when I love you