A Heart That Longs For Closure
Maybe at some point, Chuuya knew that Dazai would never stay here, beside him or just here in Port Mafia, he never knows the specifics but it's there. Maybe Chuuya, who was never human from birth till life, could see that Dazai never truly belonged here. In Chuuya's eyes, who would stare at Dazai's back as he walked to a bar, maybe Chuuya knew that Dazai would one day leave. And he thought he could accept it if Dazai could leave the bubble, the world Chuuya painstakingly built after Sheep abandoned him, quietly.
But this is shitty Dazai Osamu, a fucker who tests and breaks every single boundary Chuuya kept.
That car that blew up may have meant something to Chuuya, it still does but it's muffled in the background as he would rifle through his desk. Cleaning up paperwork, throwing out notes and even cleaning the bubblegum off his desk because of a partner who loved and still loves to get on his nerves. If only that shitty Dazai just quietly left like he did to Port Mafia, Chuuya would accept it, he would accept it like how he had to run away from the government facilities, accept it like how the once trusted people he loved and cared deeply pointed their guns at him and in their eyes held nothing but emptiness for him, and he would have accepted it like how he accepted the fact his blood was meant to be black, maybe like Dazai who tore at his own wrists to drain that black blood of his.
But no, no that mackarel bastard just had to exit Chuuya's life as flashy as how he entered it. And even then, that explosion was a haunting reminder: Don't forget me.
A selfish bastard, a cruel cynical man and a relentless two faced boy who dragged Nakahara Chuuya from a ragtag group all the way to his grave. A bastard whom Chuuya is, still is, hurting and-- and, in the end... In the fucking end, in the grand scheme of things...
Chuuya is still-- still... Still hurting.
What does he want? He knew in his mind, even when a certain mummified fucker would snicker at that notion, that Dazai can and will leave Port Mafia given a reason once he had a taste of light. He had known all along and accepted it, marking days down and counting until an explosion occured and those neatly stacked paperwork filled with archived memories crashed down on him like the paperwork Dazai would shrug off to him felt. Those memories colliding against his head and making him relive them and making him long.
A cruel bastard who wanted someone to remember him. A heartless fucker who couldn't say goodbye or even leave him in his bubble alone and quiet. A selfish boy who wouldn't allow Chuuya to move on and instead long for closure.
Closure that took four years. Closure that he sought out like a starved dog. Closure that made him sent out voicemails in an old phone, cursing and screaming until it devolved to something vulnerable that Chuuya would hate, him or Dazai he doesn't know anymore. Closure, for Dazai to look at him one last time and say, "Goodbye."
In Yokohama, where Dazai loves and lives, in Yokohama, where Chuuya does nothing but protect. Maybe that's why it's so easy. Easy to shrug off that responsibility like how Dazia shrug off his.
Lie. Lie. Lies. He still had to drag his feet.
Walking up to Boss Mori after a week of that day, he asks to go abroad and to come back for emergencies. He leaves everything as it is, frozen in time, a home left in the ashes of two broken people separated by the humor of one. Boss Mori smiles, eyes judging yet he doesn't probe why Chuuya didn't chain down Dazai, Boss Mori sees that Chuuya always knew and while it would have forced his hand to punish this teenager in front of him.
Boss Mori doesn't, because a man of his intelligence and cunning self knows that Chuuya is punishing himself for him. So he let's Chuuya walk out and doesn't a schedule a return date.
Kouyou doesn't call out to him for being a coward, she's too kind to him and too soft. Instead she says that if he had known, he shouldn't get attached but stops when Chuuya stares at her with eyes reminiscent of a time when she tried to leave. Chuuya doesn't call out how even Kouyou herself is a coward to chain down herself in this place after a failed attempt. They are both cowards but Kouyou sees that her boy, her ward, is making a decision to never look for a traitor who spread its clipped wings and fly.
Fly away and leaving behind someone on the wire. Fly without looking back but leaving behind rotting feathers.
Fly until it became one with the sky.
Because by then, as Chuuya boards a plane and knows that Dazai wouldn't have known about his retreat given how he was laying low and hiding... maybe it wouldn't hurt.
He spends four years abroad, traveling all around the world and filling the empty void with useless things and bridging his inhumane life with those around. He comes back to Yokohama and each time the pain lessens and numbs until Chuuya can no longer see brown hair and dark eyes in his dreams when he sleeps in an empty tired room filled with the same lavishness he cloaks himself like armor.
Chuuya can see himself and Dazai in his dreams sometimes, rarely nowadays, the boys face blurred unlike his own childish face stark against the burning background, he will go forward to himself and whisper words of pain. He will watch how his younger self look at him before smiling and shattering until the hole gapes open and he is met with an inhumane figure of Arahabaki who then fills his dreams with nonsense and a mockery of everything he's done to fill a void.
He wakes up, chest heavy, and smiles being himself. Chaotic loud, arrogant proud, elegant soft and beautiful dark. Anything. Anything so that when he meets Dazai--
He greets him with a familiar banter and laughs inside to Arahabaki, because that God of Destruction sealed inside him--
The void that filled his chest--
All started when his car blew up in destruction--
Four years of agony, of pain, of emptiness, of longing--
"Ne, slug, you haven't changed at all. Your height still is pathetic, your tackiness is sooo obvious and your IQ is still the same as a toddler! No, a preschooler! I'm impressed, really really, it's like you've frozen in time."
Dazai lies. Lies as easy as breathing. He lies because when he sees blue blue eyes in Chuuya's face.
There is nothing but blankness.
Because Arahabaki has granted a wish to Chuuya, his beloved vessel.
He grants a wish of closure from a person who will never grant freedom and instead tears away a heart of life cultivated for so long under weary torn hands of his own vessel like it was nothing but a pest.
"SHUT UP! ARGHHHH! Four years and you're still so fucking annoying! I'll punt you across the fucking river and do everyone a favor!"
"Promises~ Promises~ It's no good for a slug to lie or else you'll shrink! Uwaaa you're already so small, it would be hard for a microorganism like you to be even smaller!"
But Chuuya lies, because he has already been cursed.
He doesn't have a heart but it's okay.
It's okay because this is his Closure.
Even when his body cracks and his eyes are now nothing but soulless pieces of glass.
Everything is going to be okay, child.
Yet Chuuya screams in a void
