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ok

okay

I always feel close to the ocean.

tastefullyoffensive

animalcrossingmemes

i can’t help but think that maybe i might be overreacting about this entire pandemic

its weird, ive been feeling so disconnected from myself, moreso than ever. Initially when quarantine happened, I was happy of not going out because I wouldn’t have to worry about the fact that people weren’t asking me to hangout because it wasn’t safe to do so. But now we’re in the phase of a pandemic where most people think its okay to go out, despite the surge? and when I think, ‘wow, am I overreacting?’ I catch myself thinking about the bodies I bagged, the guilt I still carry from patient deaths, even if they weren’t directly my fault. I then become grounded thinking ‘okay, I’m not crazy, these people just haven’t and probably will ever experience how bad it was during the surge.”

But then I have coworkers and friends that have worked on the frontlines since March 2020 telling me ‘stop crying they don’t have covid patients on your floor anymore’ (as a playful joke), but then it totally dismisses all feelings I briefly had of feeling reassured that I am not overthinking this whole thing.

Which circles back to me just feeling like I have no group of friends that would ever invite me out, pre-pandemic. Sure I may have 2-3 close friends, but I really envy the people that have a main social group they can count on. With that being said, my feelings of loneliness and isolation just make me feel like I don’t have a life worth living most days. What’s the point? I try to think of things that made me happy pre-pandemic and it just circles back to the idea that we’re all going to die so what’s the point of doing something? or enjoying something? it reminds me that happiness is so fleeting and trying to be happy on your own terms than fixing your happiness on people or things, is really hard.

most days just feel like a blur. most days, it feels like my life will really never be mine. I feel like a body to my parents, and people always joke ‘move out!’- but if I move out, what’s the point of being depressed somewhere I have to pay money for?

I don’t know what to do anymore, or if anything is even worth doing.

who knew i had a shit ton of trauma to unpack, especially during the holidays.

i only come on here and rant when i feel like killing myself and honestly its a shout into the void but theres something calming about writing this.

Ive always talked about how much I want to end everything, but this week in particularly has been really rough. And moreso, it just seems like its another nail onto the coffin

Some days are better than others, but the constant nag of me feeling like i shouldn’t be alive never goes away.