Thinking today about how I learned that I can do anything. No one told me that as a child, so I can't really say if it works to make kids strong and confident. I grew up into a depression that told me I couldn't do anything, and as a result of that same depression I had family and lovers who told me that I would never make anything of myself, that I had no motivation and that all I saw were dead-ends. Those last two were true, but they still hurt to hear and they only further perpetuated my insecurities. I didn't just wake up happy one day, obviously. But today I was thinking about how some people do things like go sky diving, climb mountains, and compete in marathons to prove to themselves that they can do anything. And I realized that this year for the first time in my life I feel like I can do anything, too. But I never did anything big like that. I took a series of steps - a lot of which resulted in excruciating pains, some of which resulted in subtle victories - that ultimately brought me here. I never would have signed up for a marathon because I had no confidence in myself to finish and couldn't quite frankly imagine another defeat. But I did meet up with a stranger once or twice hoping to make a friend, and that took all the guts I had. I went to school for auto mechanics and suffered the sexism of the industry for 4 years until I couldn't live that way anymore, choosing to take a much lower-paying job just for the freedom to be myself. I drove the last leg of a road trip when I was so sick that my body was shaking, I couldn't keep down water and every muscle ached. I signed a lease for an apartment I had never even seen and quit a job I loved to escape an abusive relationship at the drop of a hat. That was a very earth-shaking drop of a hat. And I made an ad to mow lawns to earn extra income even though I was terrified no one would be satisfied with what I had to offer. These small things and so many more taught me eventually that I am strong and capable. I have met so many wonderful people by putting myself out on a limb. My mom would sometimes tell me, in the depths of my despair as a grown-ass woman, that if only I could see myself as she sees me I would be 10 feet taller. And I want to say that to everyone who is hurting. You are doing your best and it is so, so good. I really believe that the reason we can never know how others perceive us is because it truly doesn't matter. Your best at any moment is not only good enough, it's perfect. Give yourself the grace of your own appreciation for your small acts. That leads to a place that no one else can take you. I know that the pain was sometimes so big I could barely breathe. But I really count all those breaths as my best work, because finally I have learned that I am invaluable.
