to act in haste – finale
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At that first meeting, Dr. Sakurai felt time stop upon the sight of him. Stone-faced, deep voice, umber hair. He’s still so dashing in a suit. Time zones and the eleven thousand kilometres between Boston and Tokyo were reduced to nothing but twenty feet and personal inhibitions, but Haruna knew better than to push past the crowd and make it known that she was still very much in love.
And the rest of the weekend rewarded her with him in bits and pieces, the woman changed in as many ways as half a decade would allow while her mentor remained miraculously untouched by the time. A cold and brief greeting, followed by his retreating figure disappearing beyond people and sliding glass doors. Only now does she understand what he must have felt all those years ago.
Craving the past. Arrogantly fooling herself into thinking things can return to how they were before, only to remember that it all started from her. Her and her selfless acts that come from such selfish places.
‘How did you do it?’ She wants to ask.
How do you come to terms with someone you love no longer wanting anything to do with you?
◇ pairing: ethan ramsey x mc (haruna sakurai)
◇ genre: angst
◇ word count: 9.3k+ ohmygawd what the fuck im sorry
◇ tags: @aworldoffandoms, @perriewinklenerdie, @jooous, @senseofduties, @moteestro, @haesselnut, @princessfuzzy12, @tsrookie, @choicesaddict5, @ohchoices,
◇ author’s note: long time no post! so happy to say that i've finally completed a fic for the first time, and am so thankful for anyone who's read past chapters or anyone who will read it from this point forward. it was really fun to see how my writing style has changed and matured after two years without an update and six drafts of writing this chapter :'D though imperfect, i hope i've done at least a half-decent job at tying up loose ends and properly articulating the emotions that haruna and ethan felt over the course of my fic. writing this has been a journey and i hope it evokes some real reactions in you guys like it did to me. it's currently 1am so i am also super emotional raynao. ANYWAY super duper appreciate any feedback and i hope you enjoy!
Ethan had always prided himself as a man “above” too many things. Petty things, like using store bought pasta sauce or relying on technology as a pastime— and until he turned thirty seven, Dr. Ramsey also stubbornly believed that he was above the idea of being in love.
When the attending finally met that new intern he’d recommended himself, disturbingly quiet with unmistakable red hair, he barely batted an eye. She had an apprehensive look about her, meanwhile Ethan and any other doctor who didn’t live under a rock knew exactly who she was. He recalled her application, stellar experience and almost prodigious grades from a top university, and one thoracostomy was enough to see that she was everything he thought she’d be.
But he could never have fathomed the extent to which he cared about her. The physician imagined he’d teach Dr. Sakurai well enough to make her at least a half decent doctor (in retrospect, Ethan’s version of “half-decent” was still almost close to impossible) then send her on her way. Maybe even exchange a formal email every so often.
Then he found himself worrying more than he should be, leaving his office to see how she fared through the day, and inviting her out for coffee during the painfully brief breaks he used to want solely to himself.
And before Ethan had recognized the feeling, he was already tightlining on the dangerous brink of falling in love.
–
Disheveled hair, a shirt half untucked from the trousers, and creases in his new leather dress shoes make the doctor a sorry sight. Now, as he scours central Kyoto for one woman amidst a rush of busy pedestrians, Ethan’s primary thought is how fast she must fucking walk.
He’s relying purely on those portable WiFi eggs the hotel lends out, giving Google Maps a glance every so often and seeing just how off course he’s come.
“Just take the egg,” June had insisted with a roll of her eyes. “For safety’s sake.”
And after all the backroads, random turns, and stop lights, he’s glad he did. Ethan doesn’t have a damn clue on where he’s found himself, just that he’s in the middle of a pedestrian bridge, back on the main road and with still no sight of Dr. Sakurai. He leans over the deck to catch his breath, knuckles gripping the rails as the American questions why he didn’t just make his mind up sooner. Discarded that cowardice of his while he still had the chance.
Because what are the chances of running into her again in a city as big as this?
Ethan fishes his phone out of his pocket and types in the address of his hotel— a forty five minute walk from where he currently stands. And with an exasperated groan, the man reluctantly scrolls through the directory to dial a cab.
He swipes down his contacts almost too quickly, mostly consisting of his close Edenbrook colleagues whilst anybody else took up unremarkable space in his work inbox.
Banerji, Naveen. Dad. Delarosa, Inez. Emery, Harper—
Haruna.
Ethan slows to a stop as he rereads the name.
His eyebrows are furrowed, scrutinizing the page as he vividly remembers deleting Sakurai’s number a year after she left. He concluded that there was no point of keeping a name that wouldn’t answer, yet Dr. Ramsey spent a near-humiliating amount of time debating whether or not to keep it just for the sake of keeping it— even when common sense told him that nothing valuable was going to be discarded if it was gone.
Still, he presses her contact’s name and the doctor’s suspicions are confirmed at the information that greets him. Underneath an unfamiliar set of numbers, a typed note gives it all away.
Ur welcome :D - Bryce
one year ago
“Why don’t you call her?”
Ethan’s office seemed to have turned into something of a hideout for the colleagues he did tolerate, with Dr. Lahela nosing in on his personal life as he lounged in one of the seats. Ethan looked up from the chart he was reading, a critical look on his face.
“I don’t call Haruna for the same reason she doesn’t call me.” He responds dryly. After four years, Dr. Ramsey became flawless at pretending the mention of her didn’t still bother him.
“She left Edenbrook for a fresh start on her career, and keeping in touch would defeat that purpose.”
It was an unspoken agreement and a bitter truth. Some sick part of man wished she still needed him, if that’s what it would have taken for her to stay. But if there was one thing that the Sakurai’s eldest daughter was good at, it would be staying committed to her objectives.
“Yeah, you’re definitely overcomplicating things.” Bryce interrupts Ethan’s thoughts, making a point with his blunt, simple-minded tone as he patted sandwich crumbs off his scrubs.
Ethan scoffs.
“I’m being considerate of her and her needs as a doctor.
“And you’re such a saint for that,” The surgeon sarcastically remarks. “But it’s also been a few years. You know how many keynote speeches she’s done? Or guest lectures? Or about the fact that she just won a Lasker award, or that she’s on the cover page for Time—“
“Uh-“
“Look, all I’m saying is that you don’t need to be so considerate anymore. Rue’s doing great. Meanwhile—“
Bryce quirks his mouth in concern as he looks Ethan up and down, jaded eyes and his stubble a little rougher than usual from sleeping in his office overnight. As Dr. Lahela opens his mouth to say something, he notes the intimidating stare plastered on the older man’s face and shakes his head in an attempt to brush it off.
“Forget it.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Just—“ Bryce groans. “Try calling her. Here, I’ll even give you her number-“
And just as he’s about to kick the surgeon out of his office, a knock sounds from the other side of the door with an apprehensive, “Dr. Ramsey? Are you available at the moment?”. At that point, the diagnostics head was willing to do anything else to put a halt to the current conversation.
He gets up from his chair with a sigh, already anticipating what sounds like an intern stuck on a case. As he makes his way towards the door, Ethan shoots Dr. Lahela a look as if to say “don’t touch anything”, and was foolish enough to think Bryce of all people would actually listen.
–
The discussion Ethan had with one of his mentees didn’t last as long as he thought it would. Within two minutes, they were bidding the attending a good rest of the evening with new insight and a little more confidence. Dr. Ramsey made his way back to his desk to continue with his paperwork, failing to notice how his phone was in a different spot from where he left it and the pleased smirk Bryce was keeping to himself.
Now the screen is pressed against Ethan’s ear, having made the decision to call her despite the rise in his pulse and the hammering against his chest.
What if I regret it?
Just call her, for Christ’s sake.
It rings once. Twice—
“Hello?”
Shit.
And Ethan, initially slouched over the rails of the bridge, straightens at the sound of Haruna’s voice. She picked up too fast. Fuck, the fact that she even picked up at all came as a surprise. Dr. Ramsey’s breath catches in his throat, all words escaping him because the man was expecting at least a few more seconds to think of what to say.
His heart continues acting frantically, and the way it’s beating is so damn palpable it feels unlike him.
“You kept my number.” He finally says. His voice is calm. He keeps that same professional, observatory tone because it’s the only way to hide his nerves.
“And for some reason, you have mine.”
“Makes us even.”
“Mhm. I suppose.”
And an awkward silence ensues. The diagnostician brings the phone away from his ear to look at the screen bright with Haruna’s name. It brings about a nostalgic feeling, a surreal one. Like he still has a hard time processing that the woman on the other end of the phone is the same one that’s been haunting him all these years.
“So,” Haruna begins with a flustered cough. “Why did you call?”
“Because I missed you.”
It was true. He was too old to be lying about important things and acting like he was the same person from seven years ago. The man wants her, and Dr. Sakurai is the only person capable of keeping him from admitting it.
She meets his confession with more silence. Except instead of a contemplative pause like earlier, tension drowns the line as Dr. Ramsey draws a breath and anticipates her response.
“Ethan…” She sighs tiredly. Maybe even with a little bit of reprimand. “This isn’t Boston anymore. We’re not—“
A shaky breath trembles on the opposite end.
“You know.”
“I know.” He agrees. “But you deserve better than what I showed you this weekend.”
He pauses, offering Haruna a chance to interrupt. To stop him and say that she doesn’t need to hear it or that it no longer concerns her, and give him some type of hint that she’s completely moved on from her bittersweet time at Edenbrook. But she doesn’t. Ethan swallows hard, the dryness in his throat the only obstacle now from saying everything that needs to be said.
“You’ve always been important to me.”
It’s the most sure of himself he’s sounded all weekend. He’d avoided her like the plague, despite that nagging feeling that he’d regret it if he remained so stubborn. And now that the older doctor’s heard her voice, he doubts whether or not he’ll be able to end the call.
“But I’ve always regretted letting you go. You looked like you’d hate me for the rest of your life if I didn’t, but sometimes I wonder if it would have been better that way. For you to stay and feed a grudge every time you saw me, instead of racking my brain for the next five years just to remember what you look like.”
He laughs bitterly.
“Seeing the way you’ve changed, how different things were between us- I was afraid to admit many things and acted cold to you. But I’m proud of you, Rookie. I’m sorry if I made you think otherwise.”
And with that, the weight that had been riding on his shoulders for the past week— the past couple of years, seemed to be partially alleviated.
This is okay. This is good. He held back his tongue for a lot of things, because how could you tell a taken woman that you still love her? But he hears her breath over the phone, her heels marching on concrete, and the rustling of plastic bags that are probably her groceries, unable to think of anything apart from the fact that she sounds like home.
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Ethan.” Haruna murmurs, her voice adopting a bit of warmth. “But thank you. I was happy to see you. Hopefully you felt the same.”
“I’ve always enjoyed your presence, Rue. You know that.”
A reminiscent sigh echoes in his ear as Haruna jokes, “If you hadn’t told me, I might not have.”
“Rue…”
“I know you feel…responsible,” She continues, “—for my decision to leave Edenbrook. But like you said, things are different— in a good way. And now that you’ve seen how drastically things have changed since I came home, I think you can agree that I spent too long pretending to be someone I wasn’t.”
“Edenbrook was…is so special to me, but...”
And suddenly her voice is clear. Too clear. For a moment Ethan thinks that there’s no way he’s right, but the man pushes his leaning posture off the rails of Shijo Bridge and turns around.
She stands not too far from him, phone raised to her and slowly lowering to her side with a gentle, tired smile. Multiple grocery bags hang in the crooks of her elbows and against her lean stature.
She is still so beautiful.
The woman starts towards him and Dr. Ramsey can’t even bring himself to meet her halfway, his feet stubbornly planted to the concrete. Now they’re face to face, Haruna still keeping a fair distance as she scans him from head to toe, refamiliarizing herself with his appearance.
“We can't keep doing this, Ethan.”
And one didn't need to dig deep enough into the statement to understand what she meant. They had been playing this game for too long, and after seven years of knowing each other but never really knowing what exactly they were, someone eventually had to swallow the sentiment and stop the chase.
But five years had turned him into a selfish, greedy man. No longer able to make the sacrifices the younger him would have been capable of. She was right, this couldn't continue.
Which is why he's going to put a stop to this endless cycle right now.
“Can’t it be me?” He blurts, and Haruna’s eyes widen with uncertainty in a silent response. As if to say, what do you mean?
“I’m rash." Ethan states shamelessly. "And stubborn. A pessimist who finds it easier to see the worst in people and a complete opposite from him-“
“Doctor-“
“But I adored you.” The man insists, the declaration so firm that it would have convinced anyone. “I’ve made that no secret.”
It only leaves Haruna speechless, and though some part of her must have known how hopelessly enamoured Edenbrook's diagnostics head is with her, the straightforward statement causes the woman to break eye contact. She appears unnerved. Conflicted, and Dr. Ramsey tells himself that it’s enough.
Stop this.
What kind of asshole do you have to be to say something so selfish?
“Believe me when I say that I’ve tried, Haruna.”
But he can’t stop.
“After two or three years, I thought I could do it. Accept that you were gone and that this-“ Ethan‘s eyes flit between the two of them with a brief pause, “was just something to look back on. Then Harper said I had to fly out to Kyoto, that you were also going to be attending, and that you’ve found someone else and I’m sorry but I—“
“Wait, Etha-“
“Just—“ Dr. Ramsey interjects, clenching his jaw and reaching forward to place a gentle hand against hers. “Let me say my piece, alright? I know this is the last thing you want to hear, and I want to be happy for you both-“
“What? ‘Us both’? Me and who?!”
And it was starting to get frustrating trying to spell it all out. Ethan had wanted to resolve this calmly, a last ditch effort to convince himself that he was going to be fine no matter the outcome, and provide Haruna that closure if it was what they both needed.
But this is impossible. He feels himself growing irritated, a rising unpleasantness making itself known in both their voices.
“Haruna, you are fully aware.” Dr. Ramsey groans impatiently and the woman scoffs.
“About what!”
“That damned scientist Date!”
“My brother-in-law?!”
Wait.
And suddenly, he has a lot less to say. Somewhere along his spiel, Ethan had moved closer to the point that she was flush against his toes and tilting her head to meet his large frame. It’s the closest they’ve stood in years and the proximity makes Ethan’s ears burn.
Because God, this is fucking embarrassing.
“But you…” Ethan bites back a straight sentence and averts his eyes. “Everyone knows.”
“Clearly not if you’ve spent all this time thinking I was in a relationship with my sister’s husband.”
“Who else could it have been?” The diagnostics head grumbles impatiently, to which Haruna responds almost sheepishly.
“…Ayano has a doctorate degree, Ethan.”
And he chokes on absolutely nothing when the realization dawns on him.
“Wrong Dr. Sakurai.” Himself and Haruna both say, Ethan verbalizing it with a humiliated groan and the younger woman stating the same thing with a rueful nod.
Now he’s absolutely mortified, internally yelling profanity at himself and the world. Because it’s all so clear now— why Harper brought up seemingly irrelevant information to a professional event, Bryce’s insistence on contacting her when he’d be the first to know about any of her new relationships, and June’s incessant giggling as he muttered bitterly throughout the conference about how close Haruna and Dr. Date seemed.
And the worst part is that Ethan is grateful. Because he knows himself best, and without all that prodding, the man is sure he would have returned to Boston wishing he’d done something differently.
“Was that all it was?” Haruna asks, her tone referring to that as something trivial.
“Don’t make it sound so simple.”
“Explain it to me then.”
Ethan tightens his jaw, unbelieving of what he is going to say next. “I was afraid.”
And he finishes the thought before she has a chance to ask.
“I was afraid of what you’ll do if you found out I still have feelings for you.”
–
A deliberating silence. Eyes that won’t meet his own. Haruna Sakurai lowers her gaze to the ground as she inhales a shaky, hesitant breath and speaks in a voice painted with denial.
“You’re impossible.” She laughs dryly, but the woman can’t say she isn’t absolutely elated.
At that first meeting, Dr. Sakurai felt time stop upon the sight of him. Stone-faced, deep voice, umber hair. He’s still so dashing in a suit. Time zones and the eleven thousand kilometres between Boston and Tokyo were reduced to nothing but twenty feet and personal inhibitions, but Haruna knew better than to push past the crowd and make it known that she was still very much in love.
And the rest of the weekend rewarded her with him in bits and pieces, the woman changed in as many ways as half a decade would allow while her mentor remained miraculously untouched by the time. A cold and brief greeting, followed by his retreating figure disappearing beyond people and sliding glass doors. Only now does she understand what he must have felt all those years ago.
Craving the past. Arrogantly fooling herself into thinking things can return to how they were before, only to remember that it all started from her. Her and her selfless acts that come from such selfish places.
‘How did you do it?’ She wants to ask.
How do you come to terms with someone you love no longer wanting anything to do with you?
Because Haruna Sakurai knew she deserved every bit of apathy he displayed towards her.
The woman left Boston on a Friday night, with not a hint of traffic on her way to the airport and clear skies that, for once, Haruna wished hadn’t appeared. Absolutely nothing that tried to tell her not to go, especially since she hadn’t uttered a word to Ethan about her departure.
“RueRue.” Sienna sobbed the entire ride in the passenger's seat, gathered herself briefly as Haruna checked in her luggage, then couldn’t hold it any longer once she was about to make her way to the boarding gates.
The others were working. Bryce miraculously had the day off. But Dr. Trinh called in sick for this, and everyone and their dog knew Sienna never called in for anything. Haruna pulled her and Lahela into a tight hug, already feeling herself wavering.
“This is why I didn’t want you guys to come,” Dr. Sakurai groaned jokingly, letting a few tears slide as her own voice quivered. “You’re really gonna have me looking like shit before my plane even takes off.”
“C’mon Rue, looking like shit for seventeen hours of the day is what you do for a living.” She felt Bryce smirk against her hair as he made the jab.
“See,” Haruna pursed her lips in a fake smile, “Comments like that are why you’re the one I’ll miss the least.” Yet gave Lahela one final squeeze before releasing both of her friends from her grasp.
“…Dr. Ramsey would have definitely come, RueRue.”
It was an innocent suggestion meant to be helpful. To lift a bit of the somber attitude of Dr. Sakurai’s silent departure, but the way Haruna’s smile tightened in unconvincing concurrence had Sienna regretting her words.
“You’re right.” Haruna agreed, a distant look in her eyes as the dread of leaving finally began to settle in. “And that’s exactly why he can’t know.”
The mention of him makes her jaw clench. Constricts her throat and further chips away at her resolve, and Dr. Haruna Sakurai wondered when she had become so weak.
So she left before the poison settled deeper in her veins. Disposed of that fondness that polluted her very core and turned the young doctor into someone that wasn’t her, because one simple sentence was all it would have taken to make her stay. And who was Dr. Haruna Sakurai if not the cold, calculated heiress that everyone knew her to be?
She abandoned Boston, swiftly and quietly, ready for the resentment that it might have brewed within him. Yet Haruna spent the next five years lugging around a sense of guilt that couldn’t be extinguished, fearful of what might happen if she saw Dr. Ramsey again.
Because the woman was arrogant enough to believe that she could grow used to living without him.
Even when Haruna began to feel herself change, no longer the ardent Oxford graduate who thought she had the world in her hands. Or when she’d tailored a dull, monochrome routine meant to eat every millisecond of her time, to the point that her own overachieving parents begged her to take one day off. She finally realized how foolish the thought was when, two weeks into unpacking her things at the new condo she bought in Aoyama, Haruna found a bookmark of dried flowers from her twenty-seventh birthday.
She’d already been home for three years at that point. Red hair grown out, back to the ink black tresses she had as a student. Her thirty-first birthday had just passed, but the woman didn’t think there was anything worthy of celebrating.
But laminated cherry blossoms slipped out of her favorite book as she began to organize her sandalwood shelf, and Dr. Sakurai learned the hard way that all the distractions she occupied herself with for the past couple of years were merely that– distractions. She picked the bookmark up off the floor and placed it on the bedside table before taking a seat at the edge of her bed. As she scrolled through her phone’s directory, Haruna became achingly aware of just how lonely she actually was.
Professional contacts, family, the same five friends she made in Boston, and finally the diagnostician she abandoned for the desolate life she chose– it would have been 4AM in Massachusetts, but she took a chance and dialled Sienna’s number, swallowing the sob residing at the back of her throat.
“RueRue! You got me at a great time, I’m on night shift– Haruna?”
But she couldn’t do it. She heard Dr. Trinh’s voice and everything drowned her all at once. The things she thought she’d forgotten, memories that Dr. Sakurai reminisced nonchalantly when people asked her what it was like in America, and everything she didn’t say for the past three years where she only had herself– all of Haruna’s poor attempts at acting like it meant nothing rushed back tenfold.
“Sienna…” And she cried for the first time in years, because at that moment all the things Dr. Sakurai had at twenty-six years old sounded unfathomable to the person she was at thirty one. That uptown penthouse herself and four friends could barely afford, all sun and sheer curtains. A birthday she spent with her mentor at the Boston Public Gardens because its flowers reminded her of home. It was all so bittersweet, and Haruna wondered how she could have ever given this up for a life consumed by nothing but work and toil.
Another two years was what it took for Haruna to really accept what she had done, grown used to it even. But Dr. Ethan Ramsey appeared out of nowhere and easily reclaimed that spot in her heart that never fully healed. Now he’s here, still so clumsy, and revealing that it was the same for him all along.
Haruna forces herself to look up and meet Ethan’s eyes, unable to ignore the tenderness in them when they find each other.
“I was going to cook tonight.” She tilts the corners of her mouth in a light smile. “Come have dinner with me? For old time’s sake.”
–
Quaint houses fenced in cast iron and neatly trimmed hedges line the street of Haruna’s neighbourhood. She hums silently to herself as she sits behind the wheel of her car, taking comfort in the silence of the night whilst Dr. Ramsey, ensconced beside her, keeps his eyes fixed ahead.
And the front of Haruna’s residence is met with a paved roundabout driveway, the house itself hidden from public view with tall concrete walls. Chipped stone weathered and worn from generations of rain and constant repair. A curved roof splayed with black ceramic tiles and sprinkled with autumn leaves. It is almost aristocratic, but the fact that she is an heiress is something that Ethan has always known.
“My mother’s childhood home.” Haruna looks over her shoulder as she makes her way inside, Ethan following suit. “We’d spend the summers here.”
She appears unphased by the silence that resonates through the halls, with not another face to greet her apart from framed photos that span at least a few generations. The lights are all dimmed, and Haruna switches them all on as she directs Ethan to the living room.
“Make yourself at home. Washroom is just down the hall.” She informs.
As she disappears around the bend, Ethan immediately makes his way to the restroom. He turns on the faucet and leans over the porcelain sink, gathering himself as he faces the fact that nothing and no one can save him from this predicament.
But Dr. Ramsey is unaware of the fact that Haruna is upstairs in the master bathroom, doing the exact same thing. Fighting the burning in her chest at the sight of him. Racking her brain for what they could possibly talk about over wine and Japanese curry.
Two doctors on opposite ends of the house face themselves in the mirror and see nothing but uncertainty, because where the hell would a conversation even start after five years?
How have you been?
Have you managed well?
You look different.
You never change.
Can we start over?
Can’t you forget about me?
But as they sit across from each other, silence and the awkward clinking of utensils bouncing off the walls of the room, Ethan finally decides to ask the question that’s been eating away at him all this time.
“What are we?”
He hears her choke on a mouthful of food, the sound of her fist softly meeting her chest as the woman meets his eyes. It’s a terrifying question to answer just as much as it is to ask, Ethan understands this. But he can’t bring himself to do anything, say anything else until he knows that things aren’t one sided like he thought.
And she responds to his pleading gaze with one of her own.
“Ethan, please…” Haruna nervously swallows, a clear hesitance in her voice. Like she’s unsure of what to do if he prods any further.
“I don’t understand you.” He almost scoffs, biting back a disbelieving smile as the doctor laughs emptily.
“You tell me again and again to go back to Boston and leave this behind— you’re so adamant on keeping things between us vague but you…“
A frustrated pause.
“—you say it like it’s not what you really mean and I just wish that look on your face matched what you say.”
And Dr. Sakurai slowly feels herself come undone, the woman now far too aware that the American can see right through her no matter what she does.
It almost seems pointless now. To keep up the front. To maintain a distance and persist in her cold demeanor to convince the man that she doesn’t still love him. But as Haruna opens her mouth, so tempted to tell him that he’s got it all wrong and he is still everything to her, the way he looks at her makes the heiress bite back her words.
“Ever so observant.” She offers a gentle, tired smile. “As always, you never miss a thing, Doctor.”
His expression holds so many questions. So much heartbreak and Haruna’s stomach turns as she wonders how many times he’s made such a face because of her.
She faces away from him, hiding the quiver of her lip as she pretends to wipe her mouth.
And Dr. Sakurai gets up from her seat.
“Facing you is never easy, Ethan. Not with everything taken into consideration.” She sighs as she leans over him, gathering their plates and making her way to the kitchen sink.
Haruna knows him too well. The kind of person he is. The way he loves so recklessly and sparing nothing. It’s all hers— he’s all hers.
“You make it hard for me.”
But she can’t let him collapse under the weight of loving someone like her.
“What?”
She can hear the recoil in his voice. Haruna bites the inside of her cheek and keeps her back towards him, not daring to turn around and break down at the immediate sight of him. She tells herself it’s alright. That once she wills the next statement off of her tongue, she’ll never have to go through it again.
And neither will he.
“I thought I could handle it.” Dr. Sakurai lies reluctantly. “Seeing you. Being around you. But everytime, I’m just reminded of too many things I’d rather forget.”
“Rue, I never meant to interfere with the life you’ve established here—“
“I know.” She cuts him off, now a ticking time bomb. She doesn’t know how much longer she can hold herself together. “I know, and I’ve never blamed you for anything. But…let’s make this the last time we see each other.”
The following silence resonates in the room for too long. Feeds into a discomfort that has her trembling on the inside, wishing this entire interaction would just end.
Hurry up.
Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.
“Is that really what you want?”
No.
“It’s what I want.”
And a look over her shoulder is all Dr. Sakurai can muster. “I’ll arrange your ride back to your hotel-“
“No need.” Ethan interrupts, and from behind her Dr. Sakurai hears the rustling of belongings as the man collects his coat, his phone, his wallet. Deleting all traces of him in her home as if he was never there to begin with.
So when she feels his presence behind her, still respecting the distance she chooses to keep, Haruna pauses her task momentarily. He’s close— well, the closest they’ve been to each other in years and Ethan’s towering figure looms over the younger doctor before he asks.
“Can I hold you?”
She sucks in a sharp breath. “Ethan…”
“Please,” He softly insists, “Humor me.”
And she concludes that there’s nothing to lose by fulfilling this one request. She doesn’t want to regret saying no. Haruna gathers herself once again and turns around to face him, stepping closer until their proximity allows the woman to wrap her arms around the older man.
Shutting her eyes, Dr. Sakurai takes a deep breath as she takes comfort in the width of his chest and the familiar scent of bergamot and cedarwood. But she’s careful to keep her hold of him loose. She feels Ethan’s head lean against hers, his arms tight around her to the point that she is trapped in his embrace and can barely move.
It’s been so long since she was last held with such fervor, and she’s craved it all this time unbeknownst to herself. So when Dr. Ramsey pulls away, depriving her of that touch she’s missed so much, Haruna almost makes the mistake of asking for it back. The man steps back and meets her eyes, looking down, then back up and lifting the corners of his mouth in a sad but albeit accepting smile.
“Take care of yourself, Rookie.”
Haruna nods stiffly and another exchange of words doesn’t follow. She immediately turns back around to continue with those damn dishes, willing herself not to cry at the mention of that nickname from all those years ago and the fact that she will never hear him call it again.
Dr. Sakurai can’t bring herself to tear her gaze away from her task, to follow him to the door and say a proper goodbye. She hears Ethan’s retreating footsteps, the rustling of his things at the far end of her house where the entrance is, and the final click of the door signifying that the man has left.
Just like that, she’s alone again.
“Still calling me that stupid nickname.” She chuckles to herself with the comfort that no one is listening, and shakes her head in disbelief.
… Rookie.
Well done, Rookie.
Rookie, have time for coffee?
Hey— Rookie, don’t!
The laughter dies down in a moment. Her forceful smile fades, and the discipline she’s imposed on herself since the moment she saw him rapidly disintegrates.
Dr. Sakurai grips the counter, faucet still running, and steadies herself against the surface. She tells herself she has no reason to cry, but no matter how indifferent the heiress pretended to be, or how well she thought she’d numbed herself to the lonely reality of the path she chose—
Haruna Sakurai is still only human.
“Ethan…” She whispers, hanging her head as her shoulders shake.
And all of her strength leaves her. She pushes herself off the kitchen counter in an attempt to carry on with her evening, at least make it to her room— but the moment her fingers release the wooden corners, Dr. Sakurai crumples to the floor.
Maybe one day it’ll hurt less. With time, she’d stop trudging through her days wishing she was someone different, that she wasn’t the way she was. And maybe in a few years, this feeling that burns in her chest at the thought of him will gradually subside.
But at this moment, Dr. Sakurai has no need to hide. She couldn’t bring herself to do it even if she wanted to, because now her body is racked with sobs, holding her head in her hands as she struggles to breathe amidst tears that won’t stop.
So she swears she mishears it when the door opens again— quiet, sheepish steps as Ethan re-enters muttering something about forgetting Naveen’s gifts. She doesn’t hear the way his voice dies mid-sentence as he passes the room and sees her on the kitchen floor, unrecognizable and far from the curt, grounded woman that always had him sputtering.
Dr. Ramsey abandons everything that anchored him to reality. The things he’d tell himself to believe that he’d healed from that old love and no longer cared. His own inhibitions that amassed while they were apart seem so petty now.
None of those thoughts that ate at him can compare to the sight of her like this.
And it all happens too quickly. How he’d hung up on Dr. Hirata mid-call, the neurologist questioning his whereabouts with their flight in less than twelve hours. The sharp distraught breath he releases as he drops to the floor and takes Haruna into his arms. She still fits so perfectly against him.
“I’m sorry.” Ethan gasps into her hair, frantic. Guilty. He pulls her into him as much as possible as a feeble attempt to compensate for all the times he should have embraced her but didn’t.
“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
Her crying stills for a moment, arms limp as if they’re afraid to reach up and find that she’s just imagining it all. The woman never accepted his touches easily and it only urges him to hold her closer. She’s pushing against him half-heartedly, mustering whatever strength left to pretend like she didn’t still need him.
“Why are you here…” Haruna whispers, disbelieving.
“You should have left. You…you were never supposed to know that—“
“That what?” Ethan interrupts impatiently as he holds both of her wrists. “That you neglect your own health for the sake of your work? That you spend all day keeping up some facade only to break down when you’re finally alone?”
She’s finally looking at him, speechless as the woman sees his eyes glistening with tears. Ethan swallows hard, letting Haruna go and placing his hands on her shoulders.
“Rue…why do you…” His voice trembles, though he’s trying his best to keep it steady. “Why do you always insist on suffering by yourself?”
How does someone answer that? Dr. Sakurai shakes her head silently as she allows the tears to fall, struggling to find words that aren’t an apology.
“I…I—“ She barely croaks. But to no avail. She doesn’t have an excuse, can’t formulate a response to justify any decision she’s made since leaving him.
“Please. Don’t tell me this is what it was like for the past five years.”
Ethan looks at her pleadingly, desperation and pure anguish painting his expression whilst the woman begs him on the inside not to look at her so painfully.
“I never contacted you because I thought you were happy. Haruna, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve nearly dropped everything to come and see you— only to remind myself that all I would be doing is hindering any progress you’ve made on your own. I tried to make myself hate you to make your absence easier…dove into work so I didn’t have to think of anything else…”
“Ethan…”
And the man gives up on his rational, calm approach; no longer able to maintain the impression that he’s unaffected and managed fine without her. Dr. Ramsey hangs his head, hiding his face from her view but Haruna hears the turmoil in his voice.
“But I don’t know what to believe anymore. Was I wrong? Did I waste all this time pitying myself while you needed someone? Tell me the truth, Haruna.”
Dr. Ramsey wills himself to look up, his cheeks wet with the tears he was unable to hold.
“Do you really want me to leave?”
Silence hangs in the air for barely a moment before her arms, resting on his back so weakly, holding him with so much conflict, find their strength and tighten around the width of Ethan’s torso. She responds with a sob.
“I don’t. I’ve missed you so much, loved you all this time but—” Haruna’s nose burns trying to hold back the rest of her tears.
“I’ve also hurt you. My decisions always came from a place of pride, and you always had to pay the price. I couldn’t…I couldn’t keep letting you do that to yourself.”
“Forgive me.” She manages to choke out. The woman’s voice is broken and barely articulated through a rasp, her statement heavy with years of regret. “Everything I’ve done— I thought I was doing it for you. It all looked so selfish of me, but I swear-“
And Dr. Ramsey can’t stand to hear another word. He gently takes Haruna’s jaw and presses his lips to hers, devouring the gasp that leaves her throat as he closes the space between them.
The man’s mouth moves hungrily against her own. Desperate. Starved. And Haruna kisses him back just as eagerly, years of longing that they’ve hidden from each other finally being released in their proximity. The same woman who carried herself in public with so much dignity, who looked like she didn’t have a single ounce of self-doubt in her bones, suddenly feels so needy, so vulnerable in his arms.
And it only urges him to pull her closer. His clothes are balled into her fist, wrinkled from the force of her grip as Haruna continues to kiss him hard. Ethan only pulls away to press his lips to her forehead. Her nose. The corners of her lips.
“Please. Please come back to me.” He pleads, desperate. “I know I’m begging but…I can’t do this again. Whatever I’ve done to manage these past five years without you— I can’t do it again.”
“We-” Haruna gasps, still breathless from his mouth on hers. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Maybe not. But I want to be with you, and I’m tired of trying to convince myself otherwise.”
“Haven’t you forgiven me too quickly? Ethan—”
“I forgive you.” Dr. Ramsey insists gently. “I forgave you a long time ago.”
She’s stopped protesting, tired of fighting the relief that being in his arms has given her. If she’s greedy for wanting this, for setting aside all of the guilt that brewed inside her for years just to be able to love him freely again, then she’s accepted it. Dr. Sakurai thanks Ethan silently, mouthing her gratitude against his lips as she nestles closer to him.
“I love you.”
Dr. Ramsey freezes. As he tilts his head downwards to meet Haruna’s eyes, the look on her face tells him all he needs to know.
“I…feel like I’m finally allowed to say it.” She breathes. “I love you, Ethan.”
She means it just as it is. Not a goodbye, or an apology. She is telling him she loves him just for the sake of telling him, and it’s almost funny how one statement immediately dispels the bitter memories he made while they were apart.
Ethan rises up off the floor and brings Haruna with him, taking her face in his hands as he leans down to kiss her slowly.
“I’m glad you said it first.” He smiles in relief.
“Because now I have no intention of letting you go.”
— two weeks later
“Call me when you land.”
“That’s the plan.”
“Do you have everyone’s gifts?”
“Double checked last night and the night before.”
“Alright…I know you’ve missed two weeks of work on one of your whims, but I don’t want Naveen telling me you went to the hospital as soon as you—“
Haruna’s worrisome spiel is cut off by Ethan’s hand around her waist, pulling her towards him as they wait to check-in his luggage. She laughs defeatedly and loops her arm through the crooks of his, leaning against his shoulder and recalling how he’d managed to stay in Japan for extra time.
“I’m taking leave.”
Haruna’s eyes widen as she lifts her head off of Ethan’s chest, the man sitting up against the headboard of the bed with his phone to his ear.
“Ethan.” She hisses, and he taps his index finger to his lips in reassurance and a gentle ‘shush’, pressing his lips to her hair.
The clock next to them read 4AM, two hours until the American was supposed to depart on the flight back to Boston with his colleague and now he had Naveen on the phone saying he wasn’t planning to return to work. Haruna squirms as she listens in on their conversation.
“My boy, you do know that there is a process to apply for vacation.”
“I’m not vacationing.” Ethan rolls his eyes with a scoff. “It’s a…” He spares Haruna a glance. “I suppose you can call it a family matter.”
“…Is it urgent?”
“Ye-“
“No, Dr. Banerji. Ethan will be returning to work as scheduled.” Haruna says hurriedly, and this time it’s the man’s turn to raise his brow at her.
“Dr. Sakurai? Is that you?”
“The one and only. I’ll bring Dr. Ramsey to the airport myself in time for his flight. In fact, we’ll leave right now—“ The woman begins to scramble out of the sheets, only to be yanked back into bed by the man beside her. She looks at him pointedly, then at the phone, and Ethan smiles as though nothing is amiss.
“Ah, Ethan, why didn’t you just say this the case!” Naveen cackles through the phone, and the younger doctors hear him slap his leg in delight. “Don’t worry about work, Harper and I will figure something out.”
“Thank you, Naveen.”
“Pardon? Dr. Banerji I think you’re mistaken—“
“I think not, dear. So glad to hear your voice again, you two take care now!”
And he hung up.
They returned to Tokyo together. He met her parents, though there wasn’t much to discover about each other in a room full of doctors with their own Wikipedia page. Dr. Ramsey remembers his hands sweating like never before, flexing his fingers in anticipation for the veterans in medicine that waited on the other side.
“So the prodigal daughter returns.” Dr. Ryoichi Sakurai scrutinized as soon as he opened the door.
“You over exaggerate, Dad.”
“What are your mother and I supposed to think when you always pass up Sunday dinner for overtime! Now you’re here with Edenbrook’s head of diagnostics? Sweetheart, you know what we’ve said about taking work home—”
“That’s…um.” Haruna begins to correct. “That’s not why he’s here.”
Her and her father mumbled to each other quietly in their mother tongue, as if Ethan could understand. But it was obvious to him that he was the topic of conversation, the older Dr. Sakurai shifting his gaze towards Ethan periodically throughout the brief conversation he was holding with his eldest.
Him and his wife welcomed Dr. Ramsey into their home with an unspoken apprehension, wondering what strings of fate were pulled for a nation’s most renowned doctor to be so smitten with their eldest daughter. Ryoichi Sakurai was fearful, meanwhile his wife was far more stoic and composed as she led the small talk and fulfilled their role as proper hosts.
Still, within a single evening, Dr. Ramsey was able to dispel any doubts they had regarding him and his feelings for their firstborn.
He didn’t have to explain. They saw it in the way he looked at her, ardently and like she was the only woman in the world. Their gaze would flit to Dr. Ramsey’s hand resting gently on top of Haruna’s, reserved yet unembarrassed— making up for lost time.
It’s almost like he’s met them before, and despite the man being notorious as a rude cynic, he knew exactly what to do when he wanted to be liked. Ethan charmed her parents with his intellect, and took Haruna’s advice to heart when she said her mother was weak to a handsome face and her father to a man who can hold his liquor.
Yet he still felt his stomach tie into knots when Haruna’s mother asked to speak privately late into the evening, while her husband and daughter were too immersed into their conversation and a good bottle of sake to notice. Ethan could immediately tell whom Haruna had taken after, her eloquence and distinguished mannerisms a perfect mirror of the parent standing in front of him.
“That child…” Sayuri sighs. “I’m glad she’s finally set aside some time to come home. I was convinced she wouldn’t leave work even if the world was ending.”
“It seems to be a pattern with her, Dr. Aoyama.”
“Ah yes, you were her teacher. I suppose you’d know better than anyone else what a workaholic she can be.” She chortles as Ethan clears his throat. The woman catches his discomfort and waves her hand dismissively.
“Don’t look so nervous Dr. Ramsey. This isn’t that kind of talk.”
“I’m not-”
“Don’t try to lie now. Otherwise you wouldn’t be talking so fast, or leaning too much on one side, or sweating the way you are right now. In fact, I’d be more concerned if you weren’t cautious about meeting your fiancé’s parents.”
“I suppose it’s no use trying to play it off.”
“Good. After all, us doctors are observers by nature, no?”
Dr. Aoyama chuckles but it doesn’t last long, the impassive look she tried to maintain fading into concern as it etches itself into her features.
“Her father and I have always been so worried about her. Haruna, that is. We always reassured our daughters that our reputation is irrelevant to who they are as individuals, but I can see now that she never really believed it.”
“Has she always been so…high-strung?”
“She’s known this pressure since she was a child. It made her feel like she always needed to prove something. The pride our girls gave us turned Ryoichi and I careless, and now there are so many things I wish I could have told my eldest growing up. Maybe then she could have been a little more greedy, a little more childish.”
Her mother placed a gentle hand on Ethan’s forearm, offering him a small smile in request. She looked at him as if the rest was out of her hands.
“Whatever Haruna chooses, I trust that you’ll treat her well.”
“Always.”
And Haruna, listening just past the doorframe with her back against the wall, sighs in relief as she returns to the living room.
A deep sigh rings in her ears as she snaps out of her thoughts. They’d reached the security checkpoint of the airport, about to part ways before Ethan makes his way to the boarding gates without her. The brooding look on his face makes her laugh.
“Don’t look so unenthused. You love work!”
“I also loved being on vacation.”
Haruna reaches up and rests a hand on his cheek, turning the man towards her.
“Thank you.” She says with a reassuring smile. “For staying. I know I tease you for it, but I’m grateful.”
Ethan’s gaze softens, the creases on his forehead softening and the tension in his shoulders release as the man kisses the palm of her hand. He mutters a silent ‘don’t be’, and when the PA echoes throughout the airport announcing that his flight had already started to board, Dr. Ramsey bids a final goodbye with a gentle embrace.
“Love you, I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Yeah, yeah. Now hurry up and get out of here before I cry.”
He rolls his eyes in good nature before pressing his lips to Haruna’s forehead, then quickly on her lips. Separated now by the stanchions, Ethan mentions nonchalantly.
“Off the top of your head, what requirements do foreign doctors need to practice here?”
“Well, there’s the medical licensure exam which you’d ace, no doubt. The challenging part is that they’re all in Japanese, so anyone writing has to be about as fluent as a native speaker—”
Haruna rambles for a bit, clueless to the reason behind his question before her voice dies gradually, suddenly understanding the implication. The woman furrows her brows at the older doctor.
“No.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“But you’re thinking it. And I’m not letting you uproot your career in Boston to settle down here in Tokyo— mmph-” She’s cut off abruptly as Ethan interrupts the argument with a kiss.
“Sorry.” He mutters, already grabbing all of his luggage by the handle. “Don’t want to miss my flight, right?”
And as Dr. Ramsey begins to walk away, picking up the speed just barely amidst his naturally long strides, he hears her call his name. As civilly as she could and in the least disruptive volume she could muster.
“Ethan! Ethan Jonah Ramsey, we are not finished!”
Without turning back, he raises a hand in acknowledgement though his mind is already made up.
–
Six o’clock.
Dr. Lahela glances at his watch and scoffs silently, never having been a morning person. He weaves through the halls of Edenbrook, trudging in his steps and only looking forward to the treat that greets him on the other side of the door to Dr. Ramsey’s office.
“I know you’re only gone for the weekend, but God, I don’t think I can survive without your coffee machine.”
Ethan eyes Bryce from the other side of his desk, uninterested. A few moments pass before the diagnostician sighs, rummaging through the drawers before taking a set of keys out and tossing it to the surgeon. He waves him off unenthusiastically.
“You can only use the Breville. If I come back to find out you’ve been snooping through my office, I swear I’m going to—“
Dr. Lahela had tuned him out from that point forward, offering himself a grateful pat on the back for gathering his courage and suggesting that the diagnostics head offer him a bit of trust.
Because it’s been two weeks and Ethan still hasn’t returned to work.
He remembers the ghastly look on Sienna and Jackie’s face when they came to the hospital two Mondays ago, complaining that Dr. Ramsey had taken a temporary leave of absence which meant that they had to pick up his patients. And while Bryce could sympathize, he was just glad that he could continue as before and with friendly privileges to the glorified espresso waiting patiently for him in Ethan’s locked office.
He hums quietly as the keys jingle, half-skipping into the room before the sight that greets him makes the surgeon stop and swallow a scream.
“Eth-Dr. Ramsey! You’re back!”
The older doctor looks up from his documents, smiling lightly in welcome. He looks refreshed. Well-rested.
“Bryce.” Ethan acknowledges. “Good to see you.”
Huh?
“Yeah, same to you. Sorry if I just barged in, nobody told me you came back—“
“You’re the first one to know, apart from Naveen of course. I’m sure Dr. Varma and Dr. Trinh will be relieved to give my patients back.”
Bryce chuckles lightly and gently sets Ethan’s keys on the table, sheepishly making his way to the espresso machine to pull himself a shot. He looks over his shoulder while waiting for it to extract, curiosity getting the better of him.
“So…how was Kyoto?” He asks, making an awkward attempt at small talk.
“As usual.”
“Right, right. Did you get me some swag?”
"Some what?"
"Nothing." Bryce responds in a panic. "How about, uh, Haruna? Did you run into her?"
A few moments of silence pass, long enough to feed into a discomforting atmosphere. The whirring of the espresso machine is all that resonates through the room as Bryce starts to come to his own conclusions.
“…I did.” Ethan responds, his answer holding a tone that seemed accusatory towards the resident.
Aw, shit.
Does he know that I touched his phone?
Of course he does! Who else would be brave enough to touch Dr. Ramsey’s phone!
Oh, God. She totally dumped him. And he’s going to fire me—
“Here.”
The sound of Dr. Ramsey’s voice interrupts Bryce’s thoughts, the surgeon eyeing the sealed invitation his senior slid across. He picks it up cautiously and voices his awe at the address printed on the back.
“Deuxave?” Dr. Lahela reads out loud, surprised. “Now why would you invite silly ol’ me out for fine dining—“
“Shut up. I have yet to run into the rest of your motley crew, but they’re invited as well. So keep next Sunday free.”
“Why?” Bryce asks dryly, and his cluelessness makes the attending sigh. “This place goes for at least one-fifty per head. Trying to make up for your LOA or something?”
“Well…” Ethan exhales thoughtfully, seemingly struggling to find the words for an explanation.
And the expression adorning his features as Dr. Ramsey ponders his response only makes Bryce more curious. He’s forgotten about the espresso now, its crema dissolved and the beverage now far too cool to drink as the subtle smile on Ethan’s face piques his interest.
Bryce can’t tell what happened over the weekend in Japan, and what happened the two weeks after, but something about his friend seemed different, though barely noticeable. He’s been rid of that restlessness that ate at him since the surgeon was an intern, responded gentler. Looked content.
And it isn’t until Ethan uses his free hand to adjust his glasses that Dr. Lahela sees it. A band of yellow gold on the older man’s ring finger, polished center and bevelled edges. A solitaire diamond is embedded within the band’s silhouette.
Ethan straightens in his seat, appearing to have decided on his response and unable to hide the way his eyes brighten at his next statement.
“I got married.”
