The sound of classmates talking hits your ears. Everyone around you seems to drift away as the teacher walks around the classroom. The teacher is handing back students' results.
You feel it coming a mile away. Your heart races as you see the teacher walk over to you. The paper in their hand is all too familiar. You can’t even look them in the eye as they put the paper on the desk in front of you. You can’t bear to see the disappointment in their eyes. You don't even have to look up to know that they bear that face. “I know you can do more than this.” That face. No one wants to be looked at with that face. You pick up the paper as the teacher continues handing out results to other students. You already know what that paper in front of you was going to say. And when your eyes made contact with it, you weren't wrong. The letter written in red ink at the top of the paper is hard to miss. And to think that you believed, that you might actually had a chance of passing. But who are you fooling? Now you are just a big joke. How embarrassing!
Soon enough, your friends around you get their results too. You listen to them complain. “How the hell did I just get a C? I literally deserve at least a B!” One of them hisses beside you. “Come on, I was 1 point from an A!” exclaims another one in front of you. Now it isn’t like you want people to stop complaining about their grades. Just because you might feel worse when they complain about getting something you could only dream of getting. You don't want to minimize their feelings just because you got a bad grade. But you can admit that it still hurts. So when they all ask what you got, you laugh it off. “Nah, I will just study harder next time.” you spit it out like it's second nature. You know deep down that studying would only happen the night before the big day. Now you have no choice but to laugh off the pain. Not wanting to feel their pity that's written all over their faces. Now, why does this always happen?
You know what is coming. The abnormal breeze fills your room. The window is slightly open, letting the cold summer night air come in. You slightly shift in your bed. Sheets ruffled from you lying there for too long. So many things to be done. You know the consequences. You knew what you had to do, every single step you should take. Thought out perfectly. It all makes sense in your head. Every time-stamp of the day is precisely thought out, and you know all the good and bad that comes with this. Lying here, rotting, your brain is telling you to sit up! Do it now! You think of yourself doing it. But it is all in your head. You never actually do it. When the time finally comes. You just lie there. Not a single muscle even moves. The thoughts of you doing it slowly fizzle away, as your grand plan to fix everything vanishes. The things you planned to do to save yourself from future misery. The plans you had meant to do 5 minutes ago have now been postponed to the next day. The next day, nothing happens. As always. You knew that the things you kept postponing would have to be done at some point. And you always did it when time was limited. Always last-minute. Because that was the only time you would see what was at stake.
The big letter F on the paper isn’t worth it. Now, if you had just gotten out of that bed, that makes your limbs stiff. You wouldn't be in this position. Laughing it off every time. “Nah, I will just study harder next time.” That is your promise every time this happens. Though you never live up to it.
titsay
vaporwave
jbbartram-illu
andulkaphoto
