i know its been A While since i've posted here but it's not like it matters. i don't have horse friends to talk to so it's gonna go on this dumb blog.
i just want to cry.
i reached out to a reining/ranch/trail coach and haven't heard back after stating i half-lease at a barn closer to me. figures. honestly what does it matter if i'm willing to drive 4 hours round trip and pay your lesson fees if i have a half-lease? sorry for not giving specifics in a fb message? you wanna know my life story to determine if i'm worthy enough to pay you whatever for an hour lesson? fuck.
and then -
everybody at my barn wonders about me. "where's carson?" but then they never invite me on a trail ride or to a show or anything. i was asked if i want to go to a show in two months only because i liked somebody's post when they tagged other people. but frankly i know it's because i don't own my own horse that i'm not invited. it's not as if the barn owner lets me have my pick of whatever horse i want to ride at this point because i'm not scared of their antics, so it's not like i'm unavailable because i don't have a horse. it's not like i've worked there and known each horse's little quirks for feeding, being led or turned out, where they prefer to shit and piss in their stalls. not like i rode for IHSA where i had to figure a horse out in a couple minutes before being judged. but sure, i don't own, why include me.
and even if i was included - my half-lease can't be neck reined like my barn owner claims. why the fuck did she train him like she did? who the fuck neck reins by putting pressure on the middle and expecting the horse to turn into it? literally what the fuck. i had a better ride on the english saddlebred than my half lease and i haven't ridden english in forever but at least he knows what the fuck moving off pressure is. fuck.
so i was invited to this show and while i'd like to show my half-lease, who knows. i can't show him two-handed in western because he's thirteen and over the age limit so idk i guess i could just take him and do showmanship and cry in his stall because i can't steer him by neck reining. there's just so much else going into this and i'm just so defeated.




















