Hippokittie Glowgrrl

A Writer, Filmmaker, Game dev, Gamer, SW, Painter, and musician. https://linktr.ee/Hippokittie

[hippokittie]

Birthdays and BS:

It is my birthday today, the 13th of June. A shared day with Jason Vorhees (however it is spelled), the Olson twins, my Nibling, and probably a great many other people. It is my 35th circle around the sun, and I find it quite somber. 35 years, showing very little progress in somes ways; but exponential growth in others.

I throw a birthday party every year, and have for the last 25 or so. Most cases, it is just close family that attend or a few friends. Other cases, I sit alone at the table reserved for 12.

I look back at all these years, feeling and being alone for most of them, and find I am grateful for the ones I love to be here. This year, I invited 10, and 15 arrived to dinner. I did not care about the gifts purchased, though they were nice; but instead I was happy to have all the smiling and joking people around to celebrate.

Now I sit, once more alone, and am torn between tears of sorrow and joy. Joy for the wonderful times; but sorrow for all that I have missed out on in this life due to timing or financial restraints. At 35 years of age, I have accomplished so much from my list of dreams; but find I am too poor to do anything that isn't free or handed to me. I can't see me ever owning property, living in a place I own, doing a job I love, seeing the world. I will be stuck in a dead end 9-5 for the rest of my life, unless something I have done or do breaks me outnof this cycle of perpetual proverty.

So, for my birthday, reach out to the ones you love and tell them you care. If you feel inclined to get me something, my linktree is in my profile. If you wish to buy me a drink, my cashapp is $hippokittie. I expect nothing, and I thank you for reading this far. My gift to myself was beginning the process of immigration to another country, though I doubt I could afford it.

[hippokittie]

Sometimes a depression can be from so deap in your bones, you can't seem to shake it. This has been me the last week now as I quit smoking vapes and have been put on a new medicine to help with the withdrawls (Don't smoke).

The accumulated response of the world going to shit, watching my paychecks that barely got me by doing less and less, growing ever tired of the city I live in (where everything is brown and dusty from the dessert), and fed up with the job I now have (that I started about 2 months back) due to the climate and the forced use of AI. It is fare to say I may be overreacting, it is also fare to say I may be underreacting. I can't keep pushing as I do to keep going as suicidal ideations continue to creep into my mind.

I won't give in to those thoughts, and use them instead as a launching point and motivation to change things I can. My goal is to leave this city and/or country. I want to get a better job that doesn't feel like a scam. I want a place I can call home again. Just need to keep going.

Never give up on you.

[hippokittie]

E-begging and you:

Nowa days, cost of living for everyone has increased so much that we are seeing an increase of scams and people just begging for money. This is not unheard of, as we had the sane throughout histroy in person during low financial times; but now it is in our faces more and harder to ignore. There comes to a point where it can be a bit much though.

We are seeing people lying about their hardships to scam and get money from a bunch of people, or even doing "honey pot" scams using dating apps. This is the wrong way to do things, and by them doing it makes it hard for genuine people.

I am guilty of e-begging. I have cried for help when faced with homelessness, medical charges, food shortages, and being trapped places. I will not deny that in the slightest. I still even have a gofundme for medical reasons. The concern I run into with it is, how can people know what is real or not?

It can be hard to tell at times when to trust a person online who is asking for money. Do they do it often? Does their story change? Are they usnng the same picture over and over? Things like that. It is harder now with AI, so some cases it will come down to "do I know this person?" And how much you are willing to believe.

Use your due diligence for these things, as best you can. A lot of us are struggling and it is only getting worse. The last thing we need is to think we are helping someone else, when it was just a scam.

[hippokittie]

Turning my back on ones I trusted:

In an effort of self care, I have started cutting out anyone in my life that just brings me down. Emotional vampires, aggressive downtalkers, hateful minds, and bigoted lifestyles.

People I once called friend have slowly been showing their true colors as time has gone on. People I trusted and talked to constantly suddenly judging me for things beyond my control, or simply for who I am. It hurt my heart to remove those people, burn the bridges that connected us, and moved on. People I shared tears, good times, and bad times with. People I would have taken a bullet for not but 2 years back.

It started simple with unfollowing them, then ignoring their messages, and ended with blocking and avoiding. After attacks from so many sides, to keep my sanity and life, it was necessary.

With losing my job over a month back, doing endless deliveries until my car stopped functioning, and balancing my new jobs to work 60-80 hours a week; I need as much energy as I can. Everything not needed for survival has been pushed to the side to keep off the streets and food in my stomach.

Sometimes, you have to trum the fat and dead weight for the good of the body and spirit.

[hippokittie]

Enjoy the little happy moments:

We all have little things that we focus on at times thst can drag us down. It is going worse and worse for many of us. We have to find small things that can keep us happy in the moment.

Going to Tucson out in the hear and filled with bad times, finding these shoes and doing this small shoot brought me happy for a while. I don't often feel good about me the last month or so; but it is going to get better as I go. Never will I let the negativity take away from my happy, by finding small things to be an escape.

[hippokittie]

Struggling with loss and life:

For a very long time, I have struggled. Nothing new for me, bouncing between living paycheck to paycheck to being homeless. It never seemes like I could have an easy out from this life of poverty.

I take great pleasure in small things. Finding a cool retro game at a garage sale, my cat loving on me (like pictured above), having a nice meal, beating my favorite game for the hundredth time, ect... So I have always found a silver lining. It is something we all should try to strive for, just being happy with what we have and pushing towards a better tomorrow.

I have been struggljng to see a silver lining, or even finding a reason to smile the last couple of weeks. I lost my day job, was denied top surgery, had my health take a dive, and so many more things. I have been pushing myself to do deliveries with Uber Eats and such. I have been trying to get a new job, find a way to raise money for my surgery, eat better, and find time for my mental health. I am failing, watching as slowly I get closer to losing everything once again. Still, I have my kitty and partner to love on me and my band to have a stress release time.

I am hoping for the best; but living in the times we do in Arizona I do not see a future where things will work out better. Still, keep focus on the smalle things and remember we have people that love us.

If asked, I will give my gofundme or something if yall wanna help.

[hippokittie]

Touching up my hair a bit with color deposting conditioner. Safer than dyes, hydrating, not tested on animals, and pretty good results. Just have to do it more often than dye. Self care day after a therapist appointment that made things worse.

I had a nap after my appointment, and had a nightmare about my mother and step father. Details in it were very fuzzy; but it was at a sams club for a wedding anniversary of theirs. I remember being abused and talked down to, as in the dream I was a little girl and them still attacking me. The people in the store and at their anniversary vow renewal were no better. I woke up woth then stabbing me in the gut with a cake knife. I woke up sweeting and having problems breathing.

To better help my mental health, doing my hair, cleaning more, and letting out some feelings in a creative work.

[hippokittie]

Work life balance and mental strength-

Everyone has a work life balance, whether that be a day job or anything else we need to do. Some people that is school, some it is kids, others it is elderly family, and so many other things. We have to learn to seperate responsibilitys and enjoyment of life for our own mental well-being. Too much of one hurts the other, and letting one effect the other does the same.

With job culture, they ask you to keep work at work and home at home. Sometimes, that is not possible; but can be limited. Request time off for life situations is not always an option. I had to work through a divorce, loss of loved ones, mental decline, sickness, and violence. It shouldn't have been this way; but it saddly is for most of us. So now, I try to enjoy my life when I can.

When not working, I fill my time with things I love. Sometimes that is turning into a couch potato and watchnng schlocky movies. We have to enjoy things to help life feel like it has meaning.

I have had to fight through the barrage of hatered, the feeling of abandonment, constsnt attacks, and emotions of desperation to even get this far.

With other social media, public locations, and even my psych doctors office I deal with endless transphobia attacks and it has gotten worse as I go. From small things like refusing to use my legal name, to insinuating I should be locked away, even to the point of calling for my death and abuse. I take those emotions and mostly turn them into something beautiful; but it grows harder.

We are told how strong we are for surviving and pushing through all of this and worse; but we are tired of being strong. I am tired of always having to pretend to be okay with people. Yet, we must remain mentally strong as to not fall apart. Once we are able to, have a good cry. With our president telling a person to smile when talking about victims of sexual assault and worse, it brings back traumas for many of us who survived them.

[hippokittie]

Today's post, body positivity. The pictures are from my view sitting down or sitting back. I have been fighting between the constant hate, self motivation issues, bad eating habits, and body aches to lose weight. I know, there is nothing wrong with being a bigger person. I am not trying to take away from that; but for my own mental and physical health I need to go down in weight. I was at one time over 360lbs and have been fighting to get back to a good weight again. At another point I was 135lbs and sickly thin, eating only yogurt and drinking apple cider. Neither of these were healthy for me, and the latter may have caused the former.

I still see that fat body in the mirror, feel sick for eating things (most times), and find myself forcing myself to eat. 2 days ago, I messed up. I ate about 400 calories the whole day, going 7 hours without eating before bed. I woke up drained and feeling frail. I overcompensated yesterday and ate 1800 calories across 2 meals. Woke up today feeling bloated and fat.

My doctors have advised me to watch how much I eat, what I eat, and moderate exercise 1-3 days a week for 1-2 hours minimum. I am faltering. I am exercising, yes; but I am either overeating or starving. This is not a good way to do things.

Still, with how fucked up the world is and how many people are scared and/or suffering my personal troubles seem trivial. I could have it a lot worse, and have had it a lot worse, than transphobic bigots in my comments. People have it a lot worse than a self image and depression issue. I know this, and I know some of you have it worse than me in ways as well. I don't want to take away from that. I don't want people to think anything close to that.

I am all about body positivity, being happy with yourself, expressing yourself. I just wanted to give you a glimpse into some of my not so talked about mental issues.

[hippokittie]

WIZO, a German punk band, wrote a song called Raum Der Zeit YEARS ago. The lyrics hold true to this day, and I will forever love this song. Too many people in the world full of hate, hate for people who have the same needs and wants as the other. Hate over skin color, religion, region, gender indentity, sexuality, heratige, class, body shape, diet, ect... We need more songs like this (looking at you punk bands). The English translation goes

I'm gay, I'm a Jew

and I'm a Communist too

I'm black and handicapped

but just as human as you

I'm highly intelligent

but stupid as sauerkraut

I'm beautiful, I'm ugly

I'm fat and I'm well-built

there's nothing- nothing about you

that makes you better than me

because you've got your weaknesses, too

weaknesses just like me

and these aren't wrong

they belong to you and me

and if you can't deal with that

if it's no one else's fault

You're just one in a billion

and that's what you've gotta accept

You're just one of a billion asses in the world

Your values, your norms

morality and laws

are disposable and replacable-

just empty babble

today valid, tomarrow vain

the day after tomorrow reversed

what's right and important here

is somewhere else cursed

All of your gods, your churches

beliefs, prayers, and religion

are today holy, tomorrow sacrilege

day after tomarrow scarned

and power and fame

and immorality

at closer inspection- ain't worth shit

You're not the center of the Universe

You're just an ass in the space of time

AETC TCAG- AET

AETC TCAG- AET

You're not the center of the Universe

You're just an ass in the space of time

Fuck you!

[hippokittie]

Seeking help with the wrong people:

I have had a history of trusting the wrong people. Letting someone passed my mental walls to release some of my mental pain. They have often turned thet same information against me, directly or indirectly. That caused my trust in people to dwindle; but the need to connect continued to bring it back up. This lead to several bad situations, and even almost cost me my life a few times

I, eventually, started going to therapy. I released everything I had at them, learning from them that I had more issues than J had thought. They sent me to a psychiatrist for meds, and kept me going with my PTSD. Eventually though, I told my therapist about my transgender thoughts, advising how I felt. They turned that around on me and claimed that trans people did not exist. So, I stopped going.

I went back to my old behaviors, trusting people I shouldn't and only hurting myself more and more. Eventually, I came out to people I trusted and most of then stayed/supported. The others left and smeared mud on my name.

Now, 2 years in, I have been seeing a peer support, psychiatrist, and a therapist. After several visits, I could not take my therapist anymore. They had continued to use a dead name (not even my legal name), wrong pronouns, and statements about how they didn't believe or support me being trans. I told my peer support, and they got floored by this. The moved me to another therapist instead. Now I sit and wonder how this will go, as my peer support advised she had gotten backlash for helping me change therapist and now they have forced her to take down anything in her office that the Terros didn't provide.

People learning I go to therapy and am on psych meds has only added fuel to the fire for people who already did not like me, or people I once trusted.

Among those people are, saddly, people that had come out to me in private and now attack me openly online for nothing other than being open about who I am.

We need to learn who to trust and this world needs to get less fake and hateful.

[hippokittie]

Fighting the urge to surrender:

Pictured above is an art piece I drew at 16. A sad woman ending her life and embracing death. I was in a very self destructive time, tackling my gender identity and living in a house with abusers.

I am far from suicidal at this point; but still on the verge of self destruction. The constant thought of "noboday cares" and "you aren't good enough" plague me every day. These feelings get exacerbated further and further as I see all my artistic moves go ignored. Nobody at the show, no readers, no watchers, and no players. I fighter the urge to give into those feelings, the thoughts of hanging up my guitar/camera/laptop/pen.

I keep writing, playing, filming, and making my art and story. Regardless of how I feel, I know what I do will help someone and if I give up on my art, I give up on myself. I keep going, as the world tells me no, my bank goes empty, my heart cries out, and my mind attacks me.

Multiple times I have began to give it up, for my closest friends to metaphorically slap me back to my senses. I fear that will only work so many times.

With today seeing my therapist, them referring to me as Sir and the like, it only added more want to surrender and escape. Now I sit here, questioning my every thought and action. I keep fighting, tears just behind my eyes and a ravenous depression building in my mind. I cling to hope as I resist the urge to sequester myself and keep pushing.

[hippokittie]

Escaping through film and creation:

For a long time, much like many others, I have found an escape from the world through fiction. Games, books, and films all helping in their own way. Each expressing different stories and lessons about the world. After all, art is an extension of the artist who makes it.

I first started doing small stories and sketches to push what was going on in my life, adding humor or fantasy to it as a way to get it out and escape. Most of those didn't go far, some never even making past the planning phases; but slowly fhey turned into comics and games.

I yearned for a release like the movies I watched. Troma, LBP, Full Moon, and Toho all being companies that made my favorite movies and escapes. They gave me hope. I wrote a few movies with the intention of making or selling them to people; but no bites or ability. So I slowly learned video editing and acting through doing streams, stage shows, and YouTube. Until I made my first film, Paranerdical Activity. It didn't go well, and I was not happy about the results so I stepped back and eent to the writing phase again.

Then, I made a second attempt (talked about in a previous post) that did not go well, everything falling apart quickly. I released the bits I could under Penut Bitter. Then, back to the writing table. Finally, I was able to get a full script together and got a full cast, screaming budget and abilities be damned.

A Glimpse Into Insanity Part 1 was made. From there, it was an uphill battle with filming, editing, and release. I did, after months of work, finally get it approved for release on Relay (and other platforms soon I hope).

Working behind the camera and in front of the camera helped me escape the world that is always pushing me down and belittling me. Had anyone seen the movie? Outside of the cast, no. Am I proud? Yes.

Now I find myslef working on 3 different films at the same time, pushing for that escape and expression only movies can truly do. Above are some snapshots of filming day and behind the scenes.

Would I like to pay my actors? Yes. Can I? No. Would I love to pay for better filming locations and for a better release? Yes.

The question if crowdfunding the movie has popped up; but given how broke everyone is I don't think we will achieve it. The filming will continue, and the movie will still be made. What do you think?

[hippokittie]

Writing and living through trauma:

The above image is my autobiography I wrote, edited by an ex girlfriend and the cover art done by @lilithsigil. I began this writing journey as part of therapy, writing out my experiences to help flush them from my mind. It started that way; but the more I wrote the harder it got.

I relieved every bit of pain, worry, anger, and sorrow I had ever experienced. Going through, bit by bit, my own memories I constantly tried to fight. Living day to day, random flashes of things sending me into a depressive rage. I had to get it out of me.

A few people who read parts of it thought it would be good for others to read, people who lived (or are living) through similar events. Most of them felt very bad for what I had been through, and my sister and I both wonder how we turned out as okay as we are. A few of my friends believe us to be cursed, as the largest majority of things that happened were of no fault of our own.

So here I wrote it all down, removed sections that felt un-needed or repetitive. Through tears and endless sleepless nights I finished. My editor hugged me after reading just a few sections, unable to put into words how it affected her.

Now we wait, seeing if the content is too rough for the self publishing company or not

[hippokittie]

Sex life and relationships:

I will be the first person to tell you I have had a very bad history with relationships. From being abused, used, assaulted, lied to, cheated on, and so many other things. It has been a very rough time pre-transition and post-transition.

Pre transition, I was definitely more prone to abuse. I would do what I was told, bending over backwards to make people happy. I figured if I wasn't happy at least my partner could be. I hopped from relationship to relationship, always hoping to find a kindred spirit and be happy. I had been engaged 5 times, dated roughly 43 different people, was married 1 time, and have the mental and physical scars from it. I won't go into mind numbing detail; but needless to say I had tried everything I could and always got the wrong people.

I was always told I was the issue, if I kept ending up in bad relationships. That I ignored warning signs in the hopes of seeing the best in people. This was partly true; but it was also bad people using and abusing a person who just wanted love and kindness.

During my transition, like the beginning, I was dating a person who was with me before I started and while I was coming out. She was not much of a good person; but she was accepting me as I was. She accepted, my at the time, more asexuality and transition. That soured fast as she would say things like "I need a man to spoil and take care of me" or "I miss your beard". She would even ask me to dress more masculine, fucking with my gender dysphoria, for her family and clients (she was a bad dominatrix). So, I left her.

After her, I dated around a bit in the cis male, trans male, and trans fem world. Ended up in a few short relationships, one of which the trans woman sexually assaulted me in my sleep. I felt devistated. I ended up dating, for 6 months, an older trans fem. There was little to no sexual uses as we both are bottoms. We tried for a bit; but she ended up leaving me from small miss understandings and miss communications. We are still friends, and play in a band together.

Now she and I, the girl in the picture above, have been going on dates and such since. She is a wonder, and at time I feel like I am not enough for her. I am not as sexual as she is (though I am sexual now) nor am I as beautiful as her; but we are happy. I just fear that if/when I can get bottom surgery that she will not have want she wants from this connection. We talk about it; but nothing will clear that from my head until the surgery is done.

Every trans person has different stories of our sexuality, some of the transphobes saying that being trans is a sexuality. The thing is, it isn't. There are plenty of trans people who are non sexual, gay, bi, pan, straight, or even demi. We each have our own journey to make, and having attacks against us and comparison to pedos just is wrong.

[hippokittie]

Outcast from the outcasts:

Punk rock has been a big thing for me since I first heard Green Jello and The Offspring. Always checking out new bands and even getting a guitar and bass to follow through with making my own.

In the early times, pre transition, I was in several groups thet never went very far (or even played a single show). It didn't push me away, just kept me getting better at my writing ability. I join a band called Death Ride, recorded my first full ep with them, and never got to play a show. I was kicked out of the band because of my more crust hardcore punk look. I felt disconnected from the punks and left the scene to join a southern rock band, still listening to my punk music though.

After a stent in that scene, opening for bands like Texas Hippie Collation, I join a alt metal band and got to express more of my punk self. From there it went to a thrash band, and then to my own band Rejected Monsters.

With Rejected Monsters I pushed out a LOT of music and even got to open for Green Jello. It was a dream come true; but I was still fighting my inner self. Finally I couldn't take it and came out.

Our band partly fell apart, 2 members leaving because of my transition and a few shows dropping us because of me. People accused me of doung it for attention or publicity. I felt destroyed, fighting so hard to even play more shows. We managed to wrangle a drummer and play a few shows (even leaving the state for a show) and then back to nothing. I had joined another band as well by then, tactless.

Tactless got on a lot of shows; but every one of them I heard at least 1 remark attacking us for me being trans.

Since then, tactless is on ice and Rejected now has a full band. We are 3 trans girls, 1 cancer surviving badass, and a bad ass goth mommy. We are playing a few bigger shows this year; but the comments and the hate continues. Bands refuse to play with us, bands that are playing have their fans hating on us, and even a few of the venues don't want to see us play.

It is an odd feeling, given punk was always for people rejected by society and a family of misfits. I do not regret what I have done, I just hoped that the punk scene would be more welcoming.

[hippokittie]

The ups and downs of Gender Dysphoria:

Many trans people have different experiences with Gender Dysphoria. Some show signs ar a very young age, while others it starts later on. Everyone has different levels of it as well, cis or trans. Not woman enough, not man enough, too manly, too feminine. Some need makeup, clothing, and hair styling to feel better. Some need baggy clothes and or masculine things. I fall into the makeup and clothes category.

There are ups, like the pure euphoria you get when you are fully being you and seeing who you should in the mirror. The feeling of being called mam by people, or miss by others. These feelings cannot be matched.

There are several down sides to this. You feel disconnected from what you are seeing. You feel ugly, gross, messed up, and anything else negative to point at you. Some people have gotten it so bad they got desperate and took things into their own hands. Others couldn't handle it and ended everything.

Mine has been getting worse as I feel like my transition has stalled. I keep seeing a masculine person staring back at me. I can't find a makeup look I am happy with. Clothes all look bad on my body. It has taken a great deal of restraint to not fall back into bad eating habits. Losing my weight will help; but until I can see more results it may get worse before it gets better.

Therapy helps to a point; but being in a relationship with a girl has partly fueled some of my body issues as I look at hers and wish it was mine. I will get better with time, keep taking my medicine with a healthy life style and proper support.