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Hi my name is Tony. I usually keep keep my thoughts in my head, but this is me trying to set them free.

[hipstertony]

Happiness

It’s been a while...

I think it was in college I make this account to write out my thoughts and try to externalize what I am thinking inside. It’s so cliche when I hear people say, “Oh writing is so therapeutic and helpful blah blah blah” but I never really gave it a shot. I am realizing there are a lot of things I should start changing in my life... maybe this is a good place to start.

Right now what I am feeling... I think the best way is to say “Unhappy”. It’s hard for me to say that because people tell me how I can bring happiness in other people’s lives, but it’s just hard because I just don’t feel happy personally. I honestly don’t know why. I don’t know if I am just hyper-analyzing my insecurities or if really in a state depression and sadness. I don’t know, and I don’t know how to ask for help.

I’m a teacher. My job is to educating and mentoring a young generation to be advocates of change and to better our earth and humanity. This is what I though I was suppose to do... something that I have been “planning” to do for my “whole life”... but now that I am here shouldnt I be “happy”? While writing this, I am in ending my first year teaching and I know it’s gonna be hard your very first time doing anything, but I honest do question if it ever will be easier. I feel like I will continue to work a lot and I just expect that each year will be the same. It’s just hard how long the currentness is taking for things to get eaiser. Also, when it gets eaiser... will I be “happier”? Are happiness and easiness related? I don’t know, I just know right now I spend my 40 hours a week doing my job, and then at least 10-20 extra hours off the clock continuing to work. I don’t think I have a problem working more, but I just don’t fully like what I do. Maybe I will start loving what I do more, but it’s just really hard right now. Maybe happiness will arise..

I had a really low day today and I just needed a space to write it out and put it in the universe. I need to start making changes in my life. This is a small start. I plan to write more when I am down. Maybe this will be helpful. Maybe I will find happiness... hopefully. I don’t know.

[hipstertony]

"Momma gets depressed falls in love with the next maniac On crack use that to cope. Make a nigga smoke a whole sack of dope Writing rhymes tryna bring back the hope Try to ride the storm out and crash the boat could of drowned But I grabbed the rope"

All the love for J. Cole.

[hipstertony]

A burst of Joy

This blog was meant for me to post my life in words. But right now, its really hard to put how I feel into words. I just cant encompass my emotions into finite, single adjectives. My feelings transcend much more than that. I fortunately have found my way out of the darkness, to the joyous sunny field of happiness where I am currently frolicking. What has got me there is one person. This one person has made my life so much brighter, happier and worth living. A year ago, if you told me about the position I am in now, my past self would die of laugher and tell you that you are trolling. But look, I have found happiness in a person, and I feel like this will be a long stretch of happiness. Who knows what will happen tomorrow or the next day, but I can tell you that I want to run with him and live each day like its the last. This is the first time ever I can comfortably say that I am in love. And I like it. :3

[hipstertony]

The Touch.

We've all experienced it. Let me narrate it while its still fresh in my mind. You are sitting there. And that one special person you just melt when you see sits next to you. The emotions rushing through your head can't get you to think straight. You know you like this person, and would do what you can to have them. As you sit there with the person you adore just inches away from you, you begin sweating and getting jittery. Your mind is rushing and running faster than you can handle. You don't know how to approach this problem. Just if you could touch their fingers, show some form of affection would mean the world to you. You glance over at their hand, the desire, just wanting to reach over and grab it but you know you can't. Inching your fingers closer and closer to their hand makes your heart race faster than an stable horse could. An audacious move with no foresight of how they will respond. With every inch and every centimeter, you finally reach your goal. With that touch, the fireworks explode and a feeling of happiness rushes through your body; all the way from you head to your toes. All this racing and rushing inside suddenly stops. Instantly. Like a car going from 60 to zero. And when you stop racing, all you feel is calm and warmness. The support and wholeness with the touch of their hand fills you. This seems like it will be a start of somthing new, something you can run for. Unfortunately how vivid this resonates in my mind, this didn't happen to me. I am still sitting there on that couch waiting for that firework to explode. Someday, it will come. 

[hipstertony]

Swimming in a Sea of Thoughts...

These haven't been the greatest last few months of my life. I feel like a lonely kid swimming in a vast sea of thoughts. Not only am I stranded in this sea of thoughts, but I don't know which was will get me to happiness and hope. It seems like my happiest moments in the last few months are me by myself, alone, in my bedroom. I am so content with loneliness. What does that mean? Am I meant to be alone? Am I meant to be with someone? Am I going through a phase? I wish I had the answers to so many questions. But not every question has, nor needs an answer. Maybe I am meant to be lost, and eventually I will find an open door that will guide me somewhere. I guess the greatest movies and stories are not about a character that everything works out perfectly for them and their life fits together just like puzzle pieces. Maybe this is normal? The unknown is just a scary place, and I wish I could just have a flashlight or some form of guide in this darken unknown. I guess right now, I just have to rely on myself to get me out of this darken slum. And probably a lot of marijuana. 

[hipstertony]

Night Terrors.

I guess I have an acute parasomnia disorder called Night Terrors. Ever since roughly the 8th and 9th grade, every few months I would be dreaming and suddenly the dream would bequeath me with intense amounts of horror and terror, causing me to scream in the dream, and screaming in the real world. I remember when it first started happening, I was really confused and didn't know what's happened. It was such a weird feeling, because you almost feel like you are screaming in two worlds; your dream world and the real world. I would scream so loud that it would wake my parents up and then had to come to my room and calm me down. For reference, sometimes the screams were so loud that it had the potential to wake up my neighbors. The occurrence of these dreams happened to me about 6-8 times a year when I first started having them. Still to this day, I have these night terrors, even though the frequency has drastically drop. Trying to describe how one of these night terrors feels is somewhat hard, but it always starts with a dream involving an event that extremely terrifies me. In the years, these events have ranged from walking off a cliffs, snakes, lizards, and demonic imagery. Usually how it happens is I experience and normal dream and the suddenly some terrifying event happens, and I begin to scream. It's such a weird feeling, because since I am use to having them, I cam almost know in the dream that I am actually dreaming and I am screaming in real life as well. I guess this is somewhat of a lucid type dream (since I know in the dream I am dreaming) but what is super scary and unfortunate is when I begin screaming in the dream and realize it is being projected in the real world as well, I can't stop screaming. For a good few seconds, I am just involuntary screaming, with no control at all, until I finally slip out of the dream and am awake. Usually right after the night terror, my eyes are wide open, my heart rate is extremely fast, and sometimes I might have a little sweat.

The whole concept of these night terrors actually interest me. All of today I have been doing research on them, and I am glad to hear that I have a very mild case, and I will be perfectly fine and won't need any type of psychiatric therapy or medication. I guess this happens more common in children, but is very rare in adults. One statistic stated that less than 1% of the adult population will experience night terrors in their adult life. I guess that cool to be a minority. I kinda want to embrace it rather than fear it. Hopefully sometime in life I have a bitchy roommate and just piss them off with my night terrors, that they move out.

[hipstertony]

Kid Cudi... my God.

I feel like not a day goes by where I don't listen to Kid Cudi. I was thinking the other day, trying to find out ways to argue that Kid Cudi isn't the best rapper/hip-hop artist alive. I honestly couldn't think of any negatives. He is just perfect. Everyone wants someone to speak to them and hit those soft parts of your heart that are rarely ever tampered. Everyone wants someone to know exactly how they feel about life and the life of others. Everyone wants a voice where you can just sit and listen, and agree with every word that leaves their mouth. And everyone wants an artist, who can express emotions and memories through the means of beautiful music; and with this beautiful music, I sit here, alone, in my room, in happiness. 

[hipstertony]

The time as come...

As of this moment, I am going to start the switch. I have thought about it for a while, but you can switch up your lifestyle unless you make the initial step. Sorry Facebook, it's been real but I am going to sit this bowl out. Tumblr, you are my new drug of choice.

Personally, I feel like Facebook has lost its personal value. It's just turned into who can post the funniest status, prettiest sunset, cutest profile pictures, copypasta text that you can find all over the internet, and "share" photos that originated on websites that post OC like 4chan and reddit (if you know me, you know I don't like reddit, but I have to give them some credit (ooooh, you love that rhyming); they have had some good OC lately, e.g. Ermahgerd).

I just want a space where I can post what ever the fuck I want. I want a space where no bitches whining "ahhhh, your[sic] blowing up my news feeed =\", sync my instagram photos too (because instagram photos are so profesh), maybe post some lyrics I like or wrote; I guess I just want a internet diary that is free to myself. Call me a fucking hipsters for switching to tumblr, I really don't care. This is what I want, am I honestly don't give two fucks. 

I am ready. Let's do this. After this post is posted, I will have uninstalled Facebook on my phone and moved my Tumblr app to the space where the Facebook app use to be (I don't know if anyone else noticed, but the Facebook app icon and Tumblr app icon are like the same thing, just flip and rotated. t's and f's are so similar). 

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