History Simplified

Textbook stories without textbook style

[historical-nonfiction]

India and USA were the only two contingents that did not salute Hitler during the opening ceremony of the 1936 Berlin games.

[historysimplified]

Incidentally, the United States and India changed to matching uniforms during the 1936 Olympic Games.

[historysimplified]

The Articles of War

So back in 1749, His Majesty(Somehow it wasn’t the current ruler of England, despite her stunning ability to live forever)’s navy published rules for soldiers to die by and I decided you needed to know what some of those were despite the fact that I don’t get paid in a half a pint of rum a day like the sailors used to…lucky bastards.

Day-walker or full-fledged blood sucker, you decide.

Little preface: Men literally chose prison over serving in the Navy, seriously, that’s how bad it was on those damn ships, no wonder they had to give them so much booze. They had to beat the shit out of people to get them to join. The Navy contracted Press Gangs to walk around the city at night beating the hell out of drunks who were just trying to get home; next thing they knew they were on a ship throwing up from the booze, the probable concussion AND BEING ON A FUCKING BOAT.

  Unsinkable they said…

1. Everyone on the damn ship will be love God(but not the Pope, fuck that guy. ANGLICAN RULES) or else.

2. Anyone on the damn ship that swears(Jesus Christ, here we go), is drunk, is dirty(Whoever wrote this has obviously never been on a boat on the fucking ocean) or fucks the livestock(Wait, WHAT?!) will get his shit flogged.

3. Anyone on the damn ship that is bros with the enemy, like maybe drank together that one time and instagramed it(cuz ya know, everyone needs to know about your sweet night out, breh) will be killed.

  Pictured here: A dead man

12. Anyone on the damn ship that decides to “sit this one out” will be killed.

13. Anyone on the damn ship that doesn’t follow bro-code and back a bro up in a fight will be killed.

15. Anyone on the damn ship that decides it’s “The pirate’s life for me,” will be killed. Look again, totally not a sword.

19. If anyone on the damn ship even thinks about mutiny, we’ll Minority Report the shit out of them.

And it won’t be an impossible mission. HA

28. If anyone on the damn ship kills anyone else on the damn ship they’ll be killed back. (Fair is fair I suppose)

29. If anyone on the damn ship gets caught diddling the animals or each other they’ll be killed. Pictured here: A dead man

36. Anything we failed to mention in the above rules or we aren’t really ‘feelin’ will be punishable by whatever the fuck we want. We’re the Navy, Bitch.

So basically, if and when you fuck up, they’ll kill you. Thank goodness everyone was so happy to be part of His Majesty’s Royal Navy.

[historysimplified]

Attack on the USS Liberty

So everyone remembers when Israel attacked the United States, right?

       You don't? Well I don't blame you, most people wouldn't tell you a story like that and also you probably weren't alive in 1967, so there's that.

        The 1960's, hippies and drugs and sex and one love and WAR WAR WAR; seriously, even though the U.S. wasn't fighting the Cold War it was certainly spying all over the place. For example, there was an incident known as the Six-Day War between Israel and Egypt, in which Israel beat the hell out of Egypt. It probably helped that Israel and the U.S. were such good bros, right? Since bros help other bros (because that's bro-code, brah) the U.S. decided to send in the USS Liberty to provide reconnaissance just off the coast of Egypt, not sketchy at all, right bro? So the Liberty wasn't totally prepared for their mission since they were such sweet bros with Israel they didn't need a Hebrew translator on board. Then the drama started, like totally hardcore, a few Israeli airships flew over and tried to communicate with the Liberty, all like "Sup, brah?! Ya here for the hummus and brews, brah?" (But in Hebrew) And the Liberty was all like  "Bro, seriously? Do you even English?" So the planes left without hummus and brews and were totes salty about it, so they got their tougher friends and came back to fuck shit up.

      "What do you mean no hummus and brews! Let's fuck their shit up!" (Again in Hebrew)

         The Israeli's came back with their fighter pilot bros and they proceeded to fuck up the USS Liberty killing around 30 guys that were totes bros with their other bros because the United States and Israel frequented parties together. The problem was, Israel apparently thought the ship was an Egyptian one, because the American and Egyptian ships look so similar, disregarding the fact that the American ship was about five times bigger than the Egyptian one they thought it was. Well somehow the captain of the Liberty was able to convince the fighters they were American, I assume by saying something racist against Palestinians, American are good at that whole discrimination thing if it helps their bros. (If you didn't know, Palestine and Israel are not bros.) After the incident, the Israeli's were all, "We're still cool though, right? Yeah, we cool." The U.S. reply wasn't quite pleased with the Israeli report that said the ship 'had to' be hostile because it was in that area and traveling at a speed eight fucking knots over the speed-limit, because apparently that's a thing at sea.

       Many U.S. officials thought Israel did that on purpose and wanted them to say sorry and give the U.S. money for the people they killed and the damage they did to that nice boat, because they totally fucked it up. But there was a problem, the Liberty was there spying on the Arab countries surrounding the war, so the Arab countries were all, "...The fuck?" and the U.S. responded with the classic "Oh! That ship? Those guys were just hanging out, probably on vacation, totally not spying on you guys for Israel." Instead the U.S. put a gag order on all the guys involved in the attack because they didn't want everyone finding out how crazy parties are in the Navy, you know being gay in the armed forces was still not cool.

Pictured above: Pin the Torpedo on the Sailor Saturdays were a big hit, incidentally so were gag orders.

        So after no one involved could talk about what happened, the U.S. again demanded money, so Israel obliged with $3.3million, which is basically the contents of what they found in the White House couch when they went to drop the check off. But Israel made sure everyone knew it was a mistake by saying, "You know, it's totes not our fault that 30 people died and a bunch of your shit was damaged we just feel bad sooooo here ya go!" Well that didn't sit very well with the U.S. and so Israel gave them another $3.6million, which probably went to cigars for Congress, probably from Cuba too, man would that have been crazy?!?! Then, expecting more money, the U.S. just decided to shut up about the whole thing until the interest skyrocketed the owed amount to $17miliion. It was at this time in 1980, President Ronald Reagan checked the "Who Owes us Shit" List to find Israel right up there. Reagan proceeded to dance and chant, "Now ya fucked up, now ya fucked up, now you have fucked up!"

     Israel and the U.S. agreed on $6million and some hummus and brews and went back to hazing newly independent countries as the coolest bros at WorldU.

[sancophaleague]

It’s very interesting following the Story about Christopher Dorner and his Manifesto. The wanted fugitive is now the first person ever to be targeted by a military machine drone attack on United states soil. How about that for Black History month, Huh? While I feel for the families of the victims lost. There are still a lot of question marks surrounding this case. #1 He hasn’t been found guilty of Killing the three victims. What happened to the right to trial by Jury? Is this extensive media coverage and one million dollar bounty on his head because he has been suspected to have killed three people or because he killed three cops? I hear about multiple murders everyday especially in urban areas and I don’t see media coverage like this EVEN when the KILLER is STILL OUT THERE. Are police officers and their families lives more important than regular citizens? Yesterday news broke out that they are going to deploy MILITARY DRONES to attack ONE man on UNITED STATES SOIL. The whole country is involved in this man’s capture. What’s alarming is that James Holmes Just recently Shot an entire movie theater Killing 12 people and injuring 58. He killed men, women, and children and even HE was Awarded a trial. His rights were respected. They even gave him the benefit of the doubt and said that he was “Mentally Ill”. When you listen to the coverage on the news they are saying that the complaints in his manifesto is “as bunch of rambling , doesn’t make sense, and is false” What’s ironic about that is they tightened security of the families and set all types of precautions in place because of the same manifesto that they claim is “Bullshit”. Well if they took that seriously then they should investigate his claims about the racism and corruption in the LAPD. Furthermore it’s every “US citizen’s” right to trial by jury…. Jake England, 19, and Alvin Watts, 33 : 2012 targeted random black men in four locations as they drove around town in an Easter weekend shooting spree. Given Trial, limited media coverage. Scott Dekraai: 2011 Committed ithe largest mass murder in Orange County history killing eight people at a Seal Beach beauty salon, including his ex-wife. Given Trial. Jared Lee Lough-ner: 2011 The man who killed six people and wounded 13 others in an Arizona shooting rampage. Given Trial Pay attention to things going on around you we tend to have very short memories. Written by @solar_innerg , @hated_logic

[omgitsrozy]

SMH COLD WORLD. Riverside, California, United States, North America, Earth is not the place for me.

[browngirl773-deactivated2014050]

IDGAF what anyone says.I refuse to believe the media on this. This is some movie shit. Its almost like he ~knows something and theyre trying to shut him up. This is abnormal. Period. A fuckign DRONE? really nigga.Really?

[eastafriqueen]

Of course he knows something. He set out to reveal that, lost and now his mind has gone to total warfare mode and they want to stop him. They created him though.

[historysimplified]

Everyday history today is written by the media and sadly that is the pervading ideology in modern culture; however, as more is able to be written about instances like this in the face of broadcasted media the subjective nature of reality allows for intelligence and integrity to reign over bleeding headlines and social inequality.

[sundaydinnerchurchpants]

After four years, I finally found him #HenryClay #TheGreatCompromiser

[historysimplified]

He never stopped trying, after failing and failing and failing. From what I remember he was speaker of the house, which almost guaranteed him a legitimate shot at the presidency, but he lost multiple elections. But he just kept on truckin, what a trooper. I keep a picture of him in my wallet at all times.

[emmydude-deactivated20130823]

[historysimplified]

John Brown would frown his ass off more than he usually did at the sight of this.

[historysimplified]

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The Divinity School Address

Alright, so this is in a scotch glaze; however, take it no lighter than any other post. This one is inspired by a speech I'm writing, so this is very introductory to start.

        So, it's 1838, people are just as crazy as today (I know...shocking), and Ralph Waldo Emerson is invited to give the commencement speech at Harvard Divinity School for all the little boys, actually "all" meaning the six of them, six? Really, damn those tests must have been hard for only that many people to graduate... "all" of them looking to be ministers or priests or whatever they have there; oh, and there teachers are there too. I should say that Emerson is invited to give this speech because he gave a speech at Harvard a year earlier, that became "The American Scholar" to some frat bros and they were all "WOOOO RALPH!" So here we are in church school and Emerson begins talking about how great individuals are...not God...wait, "WHAT IN THE DAMNATION?!?!?!" Yes, you heard right, not God, the individual is divine in Nature. (You'll notice Nature is capitalized; because it is meant to mean the world is divine, not God.) And that this Nature thing is part of the God thatweare.

       Basically, this dick is coming to a bunch of clergymen and saying "Screw your god, mang, I AM GOD!!!!! AND YOU CAN BE TOO!" At this point the faculty is collectively cursing themselves for letting this asshole talk. Apparently when you say that people are God, not God, it really pisses off the people that disagree. Continuing his heretical speech Emerson basically spits on the Bible by saying people shouldn't be learning from "dusty old books," but from Nature and their own experience (Grammar Nazis must be rolling over when I capitalize Nature...sooo Nature Nature NATURE!). Then, after spitting on the Bible (metaphorically speaking...maybe... I mean, I wasn't really there sooo in my mind he did) he proceeds to say that Jesus wasn't really the son of God... Well shit man, this is gonna turn to torches and pitchforks soon. Seriously, he outlines Jesus as just being a really great guy that did some sweet stuff... water into wine? Probably not, but this is a college crowd so they probably ate that shit up. Emerson said that Jesus' acts shouldn't be taken literally, which was met by a disappointed sigh from the graduates (because of the wine thing...follow along now); but that Jesus is an example for human behavior and we can learn from his deeds, not his divinity, or lack there of. So, because Jesus is only a little better than us, these graduates now have a little bit higher self-esteem, then we have the power to be just as good as him or better! Better than Jesus? Damn, that would be a platform to run on... <Insert name here> "Better than Jesus...Seriously! 2012."

         Alright, now we're all divine and better than Jesus...now what? (Damn this got heretical...) Well, with our newfound divinity we should go about the world and admire because the entire world is also divine...so you may have beaten Jesus but that rock over there has got you beat by not tripping people... You got beaten by a rock, not so high and mighty, fire and brimstone now, are we? (Had to bring you down off that power trip) So the entire world is divine and so are we Emerson says, we can change the world and the world can change us...Well okay that's great Ghandi but some of us actually want to understand what the hell you want from us. (The internet says Ghandi said "Be the change you want to see in the world." But the internet is a dark place, seriously, have you heard of the Pain Olympics? DON'T DO IT!) Emerson believed we needed to live our lives howwewanted, not by some book or by what someone says...even though he said this sooooo this post may really be for nothing........shit.

        Anyway, so to rundown the list of heresies:

              1. God is not real

              2. You are God

              3. 1 & 2 may seem like a paradox but I just mean in the religious sense

              4. Jesus is not the son of God (because he/she/it doesn't exist)

              5. Learn from experience, not the Bible

              6. YOLO, it's a sin. Don't ever say it. Ever.

        So, Emerson really fucked some shit up at Harvard and wasn't invited back, and people were really pissed. This surprised Emerson, because he thought scholars would understand that they have to learn from others and Nature but then he remembered he was basically talking to a religious congregation that had their jaws on the floor after two minutes. So everyone went their own way, (But not like Fleetwood Mac, they're the worst.) Emerson wasn't smote by God, Sodom and Gomorrah were still gone, and YOLO is still used by idiots everywhere. This is all because of the personal freedom people enjoy being their own God, so says Emerson.

     #YOLO

[historysimplified]

This is what happens when I write, mostly because I know not enough people read even though seemingly boring things like history can be made interesting if they're presented the right way without sacrificing scholarly research and content.

[historysimplified]

Hans-Ulrich Rudel: Controversial Badass

       The man, the myth, the Nazi, Hans-Ulrich Rudel. He was a hero...but a Nazi and he was super badass...but a Nazi. This son-of-a-bitch was the most decorated German soldier in World War II and he was a crazy ass Stuka bomber pilot that fought on the Eastern Front. Technically, if you look into the Cold-War future he was doing America a great service. So, here's a guy, well he's more of a machine, he might actually be the Terminator...I like to call him Machine Wings cuz he's always flying, never stopping. I feel like he's alive somewhere flying around and hating Jewish people for his country. Yikes, that patriotism is a real asshole. Claiming over 2000 targets destroyed this guy knew his way around a Stuka, he could probably even fly with one leg.......

       Starting from a young age Rudel decided that nothing was going to stop his freight train of bat-shit insanity. One day as a kid he decided he wanted to start flying, so he went upstairs and and jumped out the damn window. More surprising actually is the fact that this machine didn't fly and somehow his leg was broken, possibly just a flaw in the engineering...but that doesn't seem possible. Anyway, he learned from a young age that he didn't die doing this so why not keep doing crazy-shit. Nothing really defines Rudel other than his ridiculous determination to keep fighting regardless of ridiculous injuries.

       The career of King Nazi the Terminator started with a mission that ended with his leg being pinned under the wreckage of a plane, did a broken leg stop him... If you thought yes, you thought like an idiot. Machine Wings kept on flying supposedly destroying one-hundred Soviet tanks in the Battle of Kursk, which the entire French military couldn't even dream of doing and the Italians...well they suck, not that they were fighting the Soviets anyway. That first injury to his leg, obviously not so bad because he continued to fly with his leg in a cast. Next, though he blew up a bunch more tanks, people, and ships; seriously this guy sank a battleship and a destroyer...damn. But continuing his campaigns he was flying around and he destroyed a tank, just so people finally believed he did all this shit he flew back to take some pics. When he turned around an anti-aircraft unit rolled up and began to fire at him; but Russian AA crews were notoriously awful at shooting things, they were like the Stormtroopers of WWII (I don't care what Obi-Wan says, a Stormtrooper couldn't hit a bantha with their blaster in its mouth). So Rudel was all like "Well they're awful so they won't actually hit me." Well, when you say something like that everyone knows it's bound to happen. So they landed two shots on Rudel's plane, Rudel wasn't even mad he was impressed but he did feel something warm on his leg. Knowing that he was too badass to pee himself the only other answer was blood; yup, the two shots went into the plane one decided Rudel's leg was a comfy place to rest and the other didn't like the situation at all so it passed all the way through the plane but slowed down to check out the scenery on the inside of Rudel's leg. So with two bullet holes in him, he told his co-pilot that they might want to land. "Where's that landing strip?" He said in German, which I don't know so I'm not going to write it. The answer was less than favorable at twenty-five minutes away, scheisse. So with blood running making a river out of his leg he survived flying twenty-five minutes AND landed AND made it to the operating table where he fought the doctor to get a cast of his leg AND then when the procedure was done his first question was "When can I fly again? " except in German like before. Son of a bitch never knew when to stop, so I'll keep going too.

         Here's where it gets real intense, like sudden death in the Masters, 30ft putt for birdie, this could seal his win...AND HE'S DONE IT! HE'S HAS CONQU....sorry, golf. So Rudel the crazy Nazi, Machine Wings, Terminator was flying a mission and one of his companions was shot down in enemy territory, naturally Rudel landed to try and save him. However, flying at night was not super easy and after he landed the guys he ran into were actually Soviet pigs. (Not actually pigs, mind you I was just being demeaning... They were soldiers) Well Rudel and his men were apparently captured by six Soviet soldiers in the middle of winter. When they were waiting to be taken as prisoners with their guns at their sides Rudel decided "Fuck this shit, I'm bustin out!" So he just started running, the confused Soviets could only shoot at him as he ran away. With six people shooting at you it's hard not to get hit, so Rudel obliged and was hit in the shoulder but kept running for over two miles...WITH A BULLET IN HIM (He didn't actually realize he was shot though until he jumped in a ditch to hide). So he got away for now, but those soldiers called in back-up cuz they obviously suck and fifty guys came hunting for Rudel, who by the way is butt-ass naked, cuz if you're going to take someone prisoner, why not strip 'em down first. Well the soldiers that looked for him failed cuz Rudel swam across the Volga River (which is not small) in the middle of winter (which is not warm) naked (without clothes). Well he ran another twenty-five miles and returned to base where all the Soviets that were chasing him were safe because he wasn't in their territory to kill them. He was actually captured once and he verbally bitch-slapped his interrogators until they probably cried allowing him time to escape, which he did.

         His next brush with death came when AA fire tore a hole through Rudel's plane and the shrapnel decided to slice his leg almost off, while still flying Rudel decided it might be a good idea to land before he got sleepy and had to endure surviving a plane crash, seriously...what kills this guy? Landing with new flesh wound he had to have his leg amputated which I imagine was met with no emotion from the Terminator. Without his flying leg that he needed to work the controls he decided to give up flying...HA, yeah right. This crazy-ass Nazi decided to fashion himself a fake leg crutch thing that allowed him to work the pedal controls without his actual leg, so he was at a natural disadvantage. But his disadvantage meant that he only had like thirty-eight more destroyed tanks before he had to stop flying.

         Hans-Ulrich Rudel once said, "Only he is lost who gives himself up for lost." Holy fucking shit that's badass.

This picture just killed thirty-three Russians and impregnated fifty-two German women.

[historysimplified]

The Battle of Qadesh

A long time ago in a land far away, there was a great king, Rameses II, who is like 12 ft tall, who decided that the Hittities were being bitches in Syria-Palestine. So he decided to go get 'em with like 2,000 guys. But Rameses was such a badass giant, he thought he should run ahead with a quarter of his army and wait for those Hittite bastards to show up. Well his guys caught some Hittite spies who were all like "Our army, we don't even have an army...Oh wait, yeah, it's really far away I wouldn't even worry about it. *snicker*" So Rameses was all like "Sweet, I guess we can just chill, these guys said their army is super far away." Well those guys lied. So the Hittite army was hiding around the corner of the city and when they peeked around you could imagine their surprise that Rameses was waiting there with a few guys who were all pissed cuz they just marched for like 20 days straight at light speed. But cuz Rameses was so crazy he decided to start the war march towards the city. Well the Hittites decided they should probably not run straight at Rameses, so when he was circling the city they came over the hills on chariots and hit Rameses army in the side, like cheating cowards. But Rameses army was still miles behind, so he gave them a jingle (via horse messenger, don't be stupid they didn't have phones) and basically said "You should probably get here now cuz shit's gonna go down." So those guys had to start running and they became pissed off. So Rameses was all like "DAMNIT!" But nobody heard him cuz his army was spread out by like 2 miles cuz he's a giant idiot. So when those other lazy Egyptians showed up they were all tired and pissed so they fought like losers. It probably didn't help that the Hittites were basically a middle school bicycle gang that just circled around Rameses spitting at him and taking his lunch money (except in this case it was more shooting arrows and trampling and bleeding).

Since the Hittites were winning they decided they should take a smoke break and steal things from the bodies of the dead lazy Egyptians. Like "Look at this gold thing! That's pretty neat!" Well Rameses saw that and he was all like "TODAY AINT YO DAY!" So he rode by himself being all giant and killed a whole mess of Hittites, remember he was driving his chariot, defending himself, and attacking simultaneously...Man, he's great. So after he beat the crap out of the Hittites they were all like "We're taking our horses and going home." Except by 'home' they meant the city that Rameses came to capture, Qadesh. And Rameses was like "Yeah! You better run!" Except he was the only one there cuz his soldiers were watching him like he was a porn flick with all your favorite celebrities (how crazy would that be?!).Seriously?! That's what the army does? New Kingdom Egypt is all about militaristic expansionism and that's their army? Anyway, Rameses probably didn't win, actually he got his shit rocked but he was so giant that they decided to carve pictures of him standing tall and walking hard all over the place. And Rameses was all like "I would have won if my soldiers didn't suck and you guys(Hittites[The cheating bastards]) didn't cheat. But the Hittites didn't care and they just went inside their city at Qadesh and taunted him calling his mother a river otter and the like. It was a moment of greatness in military history.

[historysimplified]

The 2nd Boer War

In 1899, white people in South Africa (Afrikaners, Boers they honestly couldn't pick a damn name) descendents of the Dutch settlers, who initially stole land from the native Africans, found a shit ton of gold. Enter the British (or Uitlanders, seriously? that is nothing like the same name!) being all snooty, eating crumpets and the like, came looking for the gold all "Quite right! Indubitably! Good show ole chap!" Well the white people, sorry, the Boers, didn't like them Brits one bit, so this is what happened.

The Second Boer War: Boers: You Brits better get off our lawn or we'll fuck your shit up! We're not dealing with this crap again! (Yeah, they already had a war)

British:...No? We want the gold, give us the gold, we gonna take some shovels and uproot your land. Give us the gold.

Boers:...You are so dumb fu real, we're fighting now.

The Boers proceed to kick ass because the Brits are all like "They look like businessmen, we can't shoot at 'em!" It probably helped that whenever the British stopped to fight they did so at the bottom of a hill...Really? Great military tactics, stopping at the bottom of a hill. Naturally, the Boers just went to the tops of these hills* and won the majority of the battles because it's a lot easier to shoot down at someone.

*Note:This happened like 5 different times, the whole "Let's camp out at the bottom of this hill!" idea.

Just when the Boers were beginning to pull away with victory, their wives came to nag at the battle all like "You boys can be done playing war anytime now, I put the kettle on two months ago!" Well, who honestly wants to be at war if every day you're dealing with "Honey, after you take that hill can you take the trash out? Thaaaaanks!" Glory of war my ass.

So, after all the nagging, the Boers wanted to smoke and have tea* so they all went home but when they got bored they'd shoot at the British.

*Note:Part of the reason the Boers gave up was because they ran out of smokes. They were probably sitting in the trenches they dug like "Well...that was the last cig.....fuck this noise, I quit!"

So the British were all like "This land is our land, this land is our land, you can all screw off, we could care less." except in that one tune you know that they probably didn't.

But the Boers didn't screw off they continued to be annoying teenagers popping tires and diverting water lines, creating flaming road blocks. You know, teenager things.

Well, like any good British empire they rolled over and decided to give the Boers money to shut up. Lots and lots of money. But the Brits technically won...If winning means basically paying protection money to your enemy.

The end.