Daughter of a hoarder

A blog about being raised by a hoarder, and the effect hoarding has on other people. Submissions welcome. The house

[hoardersdaughter]

"From our research one of the things we see is that if someone grew up in a hoarded home before the age of 10 it seems to have more serious consequences for them, in terms of the difficulties developing friendships social anxiety and especially a very strained relationship with parents later on in life. So by the time they get to be adults then their relationship with their parent is quite strained."

[hyperbemily]

I think one of the most traumatizing things of living/growing up with hoarders is that all of THEIR things, even literal trash, needs to be kept at all costs, but they have zero respect for YOUR things and will get rid of them at the drop of a hat.

[satans-cool-blog]

[hoardersdaughter]

What’s Causing the Rise of Hoarding Disorder? - JSTOR Daily

Now that the DSM lists severe hoarding as a disorder apart from OCD, psychologists are asking what explains its prevalence.

“In families with two or more members who hoard, researchers have identified an allele on chromosome 14 (in Doberman Pinschers, hoarding’s been linked to chromosome 7). “More than 80 percent of our subjects reported a first-degree relative with similar problems,” note Randy Frost and Gail Steketee, pioneers in this research, in their book Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things. Hoarders might inherit different ways of processing information, they suggest, or “an intense perceptual sensitivity to visual details… [that] give objects special meaning and value to them.”

Other studies suggest non-genetic causes. Hoarding can also accompany certain traumatic brain injuries, Tourette’s syndrome, ADHD, neurodegenerative disorders, generalized anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and dementia. Childhood poverty, interestingly enough, does not seem to be connected with hoarding. But researchers have found a possible link between hoarding and PTSD among Holocaust survivors, and late-onset hoarding has often been linked to loss or trauma. The psychological understanding is that objects are gathered in a futile attempt to fill emotional emptiness—piled up like a barricade to protect oneself against an uncertain future.

If you zoom out from that intimate pain, though, there’s also a big-picture theory: Hoarding is the natural consequence of a consumer society glutted with stuff and running out of landfills.”

[copingmecha]

It has just finally occurred to me just how...un- normal growing up in a hoarding home is

Like, I knew even then that we were different and found solace in the other families on tv showing their homes

But it has always been my *normal* so I was *used* to it

I was so accustomed to it as soon as I was put into this world. I knew it was a secret and my neighbor's homes were better. But it was our way of life that we knew was wrong but couldn't find a way out of.

I'm realizing just how FEW people are open about it and how that further implicates our small community of hoarders/coh.

Society will compare us to their own standards, their cleanliness measures, etc.

People who were not raised in a hoarding situation or deal with compulsive hoarding themselves will NEVER understand just how much turmoil we go/went through.

And the sad thing is, so many children of hoarders may not understand or work through their own trauma because we were taught young to be **ashamed** of our homes and lifestyle. You can't openly talk about shame. Many people can not come to terms with it being abuse, neglect, and trauma. Because it's just the way it is. It was the constant force in our lives: stuff.

A lot of children of hoarders do recognize they have trauma but may not seek out a CPTSD diagnosis or other mental health screening.

But our environments directly affects our health. And if we were exposed to a bad enviornment early on, it's hard to fit in and have healthy coping mechanisms - it's hard to recognize the situation is abnormal.

Same goes for hoarders: the environment affecfs your mental health. Your favorite spot on earth could be a patch of grass in a field where the sun shines. This spot brings you joy and happiness. But in your home, if you see a dirty pile of dishes that you can't clean, it will negatively affect your health and self esteem.

Our environments impact us and can cause us stress. So those of us who lived in a hoarding, roach infested, or impoverished situation, we were stressed and anxious. We didn't like looking at it.

But over times, some things blend into the background and become nothing but noise and doesn't bother you. It's not until you go to someone's clean home or you see a photo online of someone's clean floor that you feel a visceral reaction. How? How could someone's home be so clean and tidy? How come their cupboards look nothing like mine? How come their closet is organized? How is their bath tub clean? How come everything is well painted and well maintained?

Clean homes become a trigger and you begin to recognize that background noise more and more the more you're exposed to non-hoarding environments.

And then you start cracking bit by bit, noticing just how abnormal your childhood/home was/is.

It's not normal at all and it sucks

[hoardersdaughter]

Many mental health conditions share similar symptoms and appear to be interconnected. Researchers are learning more about the relationship between ADHD and several co-occurring conditions, including ADHD and hoarding disorder.

“It is believed that many older hoarders have lived with undiagnosed ADHD since childhood,” says Sharon Morein-Zamir, PhD, lead researcher. “But if there is a link between hoarding disorder and ADHD, does it go both ways? Would people with ADHD also have problems with hoarding? This is important, as there are more people with diagnosed ADHD than hoarding disorder.”

[hoardersdaughter]

Hoarding may be related to ADHD

Interesting research into hoarding. “Although hoarding has historically been conceptualized as a variant of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), increasing evidence suggests that hoarding might be more closely associated with the symptoms of attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). “

“Recent self-report, neuroimaging, and neuropsychological data converge to suggest that impaired cognitive functions (particularly attention) might be a core feature of hoarding that contributes to decision-making problems. “

[hoardersdaughter]

what is the best way to re-engage with DOH's? I have been off COH for a while. To any DOH still in the hoard: get out. Save yourself. Go to school, find a job. The hoard doesn't leave until our parents die, sadly.

COH is still the best way to talk to other children of hoarders, I think. I don’t know any other groups, maybe there are Facebook groups though

[hoardersdaughter]

Anonymous Submission:

I’m so glad to see this forum as I have always felt shameful during my childhood years. My mother has been a hoarder since I was a kid. She kept buying things from dollar store or other places and kept stacking those items all over the house. I have never invited my friends to my house because I don’t know what they may think after seeing the mess. My mother has been maxing out the credit card to shop for all those things, which turned into huge financial distress for the family. Thankfully I moved out at age of 27 and started to have my own space. I realized my mother can’t change her hoarder behavior so I tried meeting her at a restaurant or take her to my house. I understand it’s not a easy road to be a child of a hoarder. My suggestion for those who are struggling is to stay positive and strong since it’s not in the control of our hands. Try to change the situation when you are capable or seek for help when needed. 

[hoardersdaughter]

Submission

Hi, myself and my two sisters are all in our 70’s now,but we remain traumatised by dealing with our Mum’s Hoarded house.We watch the TV programes in all their horrifying detail and are just so glad we don’t have that problem anymore!

When we lived at home Mum worked full time and only shopped for clothes on her day off,she did not have much cash to spend which was fortunate,we girls did all the housework and kept the place tidy,there were signs there that she could be a hoarder.

When we left home and Dad died the problems started, within a couple of years it became a hoard,she continued to work and spent as much time as possible out of the house. We had to have clear outs every few yrs,this was very slow because everything had to be examined by her.Huge amounts of clothes and shoes,the place was dirty too,the one who cleared out the fridge needed a strong stomach.

We all suffered because of her hoarding and make sure we regularly get rid of things in our own houses.

Her hoarding stopped when she needed nursing care and went into a home .I did the final clear out with the help of my sons so it could be sold to pay for her care.

Hoarding has lasting effects on children of Hoarders, and we were all in our 6O’s and still having to deal with it when we were getting old ourselves. Mum lived to 91 but at least the problem ended when she could no longer shop due to age.

We all have a horror of it and keep tidy. Our youngest sister has inherited it somewhat but we would never tell her, and she is not so bad as Mum,she has clear outs it’s just two bedrooms that are a bit full and her downstairs is tidy. ______ Thank you for sharing your story.

[hoardersdaughter]

I'm so glad you're back. Pandemic and job loss have me living with my hoarder parent again and it's killing me. ❤️

Sorry to hear that :( A lot of people are trapped in hoarder homes this year, my sister is stuck in my parent’s home and is trying to get her bedroom back (been full of my mom’s junk and unusable for years)

[hoardersdaughter]

Some common experiences of children of hoarders

Lack of privacy growing up, hoarder parent controls your belongings and your space.

Being blamed for the hoard, being told you’re messy and it’s impossible to clean up after you.

Living with rat/mice/insect infestations.

Being unable to invite friends to your home.

Being labeled “disorganised” in school reports.

Lack of boundaries with your parent.

Being fed expired food to not be “wasteful” or because it “seems fine” to the hoarder.

Not having running water.

Getting in trouble for not having the right books at school, not bringing your homework and other things because they got displaced in the hoard.

Being told you will be taken away by child protective services if someone finds out so you must keep it a secret.

Being actually faced with being taken by child protective services.

Being watched/supervised constantly because your hoarder parent suspects you will tamper with or discard some of their belongings.

Being blamed my other people who think you should clean up after your parent (people don’t seem to realise that hoarders do not like this and will stop you).

[hoardersdaughter]

I’m almost 18 years old and can’t wait to move out. My water heater hasn’t work for 3 years, and the heater and ac haven’t worked for 4 years. During most of my middle school life, the water didn’t work, so we couldn’t even flush a toilet. My mom never wants to clean, saying that she’s too tired from work, so nothing really ever gets done. I try to help out by doing laundry (which I have to do at my dads since my washer doesn’t work with cold water) and I’ve gotten to where I’m basically do her laundry. I try to wash dishes too but I have no room to put them since my mom always buys mugs and plates from the thrift store. My sister moved out the second she could and didn’t clean up her room at all (which honestly was just as bad my moms room), so I was left to clean it and now my mom stores so much stuff in there, while filling up the rest of the house too. CPS came to my house when I was in the 4th or 5th grade, and they threatened to take me and my sister away if she didn’t clean by the time the worker came back. My dad had to force her to clean, so that basically told me she’d rather keep her stuff than her kids :/

[hoardersdaughter]

daughter of hoarders

I’m fifteen years old, currently going into my sophomore year of high school, and both my parents are hoarders. My mom hoards at our house, and my dad hoards at the business he owns down the street.

Bug infestations, holes in our walls and ceiling, mold, gout, fungus, expired food, rats, animal excrement, wires sticking out in various places, a raccoon even bit a hole through our garage door. I can’t believe I’ve spent my entire life living like this. I’ll throw things out, especially all the clothes and food, but my mom will dig through the garbage and find it again. My brother has started to collect books and vintage military uniforms (oddly specific I know) so that just adds to the clutter.

I try and keep to myself, but my shower is broken so I’m forced to used the filthy one downstairs. No matter how many times I clean it, it’s still just as disgusting. I hate the kitchen too, it’s probably one of the worst spots in the house. Most days I’ll eat school lunch or walk to some of the restaurants and gas stations nearby, but I’m still skinny and hungry and I’m tired of eating the same take out food every week.

My friends sometimes let me sleep at their house, use their shower or eat their food. I’ve told some of them that my house isn’t the cleanest, but I don’t go into detail. Just the thought of them seeing the hoarding in terrifies me. I know they wouldn’t blame me, but its still so embarrassing. I can’t wait to move out.

[hoardersdaughter]

I feel guilty about finding a new place to live. I’ve always wanted to have a place of my own but now that I’m serious about it and actively looking, I feel a little guilty about leaving everyone while our home is in it’s current condition. Idk. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest.

[hoardersdaughter]

[hoardersdaughter]

Study on Family of Hoarders

I just googled to see if there is any research on the effects of hoarders on their families, and came across this:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3018822/ 

It’s quite interesting, but I found the section on “patient rejection” frustrating. Hoarding is a form of neglect, yes it’s a mental health issue, but it’s also clearly harmful to the children of hoarders (and their mental health), as the rest of the data they collected shows. 

“Perhaps the most striking finding from the present results is the high degree of patient rejection attitudes among family members. Scores on the PRS substantially exceeded those obtained from family members of OCD patients (Amir et al., 2000), and equaled or exceeded those from family members of patients with schizophrenia (Bailer et al., 1994; Heresco-Levy et al., 1992; Kreisman et al., 1979). Patient rejection was associated with severity of hoarding, the perceived level of insight displayed by the hoarding family member, and severity of clutter in the home during early childhood: individuals with more severe hoarding behaviors, those perceived as having less insight, and whose homes were severely cluttered during the family informant’s early childhood, are subject to more negative attitudes from family. Expressed emotion, defined as critical, hostile, or emotionally overinvolved patterns of interaction between family members and the patient, appear to predict poor initial response to OCD treatment, or relapse following successful treatment (Chambless & Steketee, 1999; Leonard et al., 1993). Clinicians working with compulsive hoarding may find it advantageous to work with the family by providing education about the harmful effects of such negative attitudes (e.g., by using cognitive strategies to reframe the patient’s behavior as manifestations of an illness rather than as a personality flaw or malicious behavior) and improving coping strategies among family members (Van Noppen & Steketee, 2003).“

Essentially, the more severe hoarding you live with, the more you “reject” your family member, and the severity of clutter in the home during early childhood links with more negative attitudes.. So clinicians working with hoarders might find it helpful to get family involved! 

It’s a lot to ask from people, and completely ignores the years of suffering they have experienced. My family who still live with my mother aren't "hostile", but they are beaten down, hopeless and negative. To request those people to have “positive attitudes” is ridiculous.

There’s no psychological “coping mechanism” that is going to solve the problem for a child who is trapped in a hoarder’s house. 

I hope that there will be more research on the effects of hoarding on families in the future. 

I think the issue is far more complex and needs further research. People need to have more compassion for children being brought up in these circumstances and realise that it contributes negatively to their mental health also.

Personally, the issue with growing up with a hoarder parent was not just living with the physical clutter but having to “keep the secret” and living in fear that someone would find out (my parents told me child protective services would find out and drag me away if anyone found out, and that I’d be put in a terrible foster system so my life would get even worse).

Then there’s also the blame. It’s common for the hoarder to blame other people, and a recurring topic in groups for children of hoarders is that they were told they were the “messy” one growing up.