Self-worth.
I need to get something off my chest, mind, and shoulders. I apologize for what turned into a novel, but I don’t really, and I don’t expect you to read all of it or care. I'm going to start this off right now by saying I'm not phishing for compliments, sympathy, advice, or anything of that nature. I also don't want to be called a cry baby or told to grow up and get over it. Trust me, I've thought of all of those things, but I needed to put down in writing what I have been thinking and feeling, spurred on by Justin Bieber's "Love Yourself" this morning. I'm just sitting there thinking, I say I love myself, but do I? I say yes, but my feelings and actions over the past few weeks have me thinking again about my previously strong convictions that I do love me. Self-worth. What does this mean? What happens to improve, maintain, or decline one's self worth? To me, the definition is self-explanatory enough. For the sake of clarity, though, I'm defining self-worth as the value you give yourself in a certain situation or a general measure of your value on a daily basis. A little background about me. High school was a breeze and I graduated in the top hundred of my class of over 500 with a weighted GPA of over a 4.0. I hold a B.A. in music with a minor in theatre from a pretty good state university in Virginia. I graduated with a fairly decent GPA, made it out in the coveted and increasingly more difficult to achieve four years. Secured a pretty good job (that I'm still with) less than a month after walking in graduation. I'm grateful for the opportunities in this life I've been provided and earned, starting with going to a wonderful high school in New York, a great college in Virginia, and starting a great job in Virginia that then allowed and encouraged me to move to Nevada. Now you'll noticed that in that blurb about me, everything I just stated has to do with education and status. Did I set out to give these examples? No. That's just what came naturally to me. Why? Because society puts such a hard emphasis on these things that unless you're writing a dating profile, nobody really cares about those soft-qualities in writing. Do they expect it in practice? Of course! Then why don't we emphasize people's soft qualities? Thinking about that, now, I would describe myself as someone who loves too hard too fast. I’m very loyal, treat people with respect, am usually honest, and incredibly sarcastic with those I love. I'm a person who will ask you about your day and genuinely care about your answer. I will pick you up at 2AM if your car breaks down on the side of the road or provide you with a safe haven if you're feeling lonely or need a place to stay. I'm a little messy and don't always do the dishes right away. I work hard and play soft. Sign me up for cuddles on the couch and puppy kisses any day of the week, good luck getting me out to a bar or club. Emotions run high with me almost all of the time and I'll remember that stupid little thing I said unintentionally that one time five years ago that looked like it hurt you just a little but you've probably forgotten. But I haven't. Now looking at that snapshot, that's something I'm proud of. I can recognize my flaws. Onto my actions and feelings from the past few weeks. I will be the first to acknowledge that I have not been taking my medication for my thyroid because I simply was too lazy to refill the prescription with the holidays and all that junk. I'm calling to refill it as we speak, so that may have something to do with the funk I've been living in since I got the news. The news that I didn't get the job advancement that I really had my heart set on. Of those four years in college I did, three and a half of them were focused on becoming a music educator. From essentially first grade on, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. What focus always changed and it finally settled on music in high school after having consistently awesome musical experiences in my district. I had it all figured out. By sophomore year of high school, I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I picked out my dream school that year and wound up getting in and going there later on. It was all set. Then, college happened, and drama happened. College was hard. Moving to another state was hard. I had to work at my classes and forge new friendships. Stick to the morals I had convinced myself of, perhaps too strongly. College wound up destroying my passion for music. I got so depressed I started self-harming. I wound up having to withdraw from a semester the second to last day of classes because I was so depressed. I couldn't get out of bed for my classes. How'd I get out in four years? I struggled with my self-worth and believing in myself and dropped the education focus from my major, not believing I would pass all the tests I needed to pass because I scraped through my classes by being manipulative and charismatic. I didn't believe I could get up in front of a group of students and teach them what I knew because I believed (and still believe) I didn't know anything and didn’t earn my degree. How does this relate to the position I didn't get? The position was to be a trainer for my department. Only two people applied, myself and a friend of mine. Everyone in leadership believed that either choice would be a win, as they told me several times before things were decided and after I was given the news. I was hurt and shocked. I believed I had this one in the bag. I'm pretty educated person, I've helped in the training here before, and I've got the whole education background, why wouldn't I get it? I was an awful friend in my thoughts during and after this process. I should and am happy that my friend got it, she needed advancement in the company, but I've also been awful in my comparisons both in my head and to some of my closest friends. Why am I comparing myself? My worth is not less because she got the position. But this news has sent me into such a self-reflective state coupled by a feeling of worthlessness that I feel ridiculous for. Why am I feeling such a strong existential crisis over something that should be so minor? Because society has instilled that your status and your job are so important and advancement is key. I'm also disregarding almost completely that I was given a promotion about ten months ago. Maybe this is all spurred because I had myself and everyone fooled into thinking I had it all figured out at such an early age. People would ask what my plans were and I could tell them with certainty and confidence what I'd be doing. When strangers heard music they would be concerned, because the arts aren't a steady field to make a living (like that's the only thing that matters). Once I tacked on the education part, there was still some concern because of arts and their constant struggle with funding and validity within the school systems, but there was usually a sigh of relief that there would be an applicable job for me to fall into. When I took the bold step of removing the education part of my degree in the interest of my mental well-being, the world cried back at me why!? What will you do!? Well, for starters, not want to kill myself, that's a good reason, no? At least I'll have some sort of degree, right? Well. Now I'm working at a job that doesn't even require a degree. Which is fine. I have no problem with that. But, it also leaves me feeling stuck. I feel like I don't have many applicable skills that can transfer to another workplace since I've been here since my graduation from college. If I can't advance myself here, a place that doesn't require a degree, how will another job want me? I'm watching other friends struggle to get jobs, friends that have left here that didn't have degrees unable to find work because of their lack of a degree, because apparently 3.5 years of real-world work experience don't cut it anymore like we were told it would. I'm going to go ahead and be a whiny millenial (I hate this word) for a second, but I acknowledge that we also have to be the change. We're in such a unique position, as many articles on the internet will tell you, as a generation with our access to technology and our ability to bridge the gap between a generation that had no technology and a generation that has too much technology. We're relate-able. We're charismatic. We're resourceful and guarded (graduating into a recession will do that). But we're also incredibly needy and force people to pander to us or we tap out and move on. We were the beginning of inclusion-trophies and everyone being special, getting kudos without needing to work hard.This makes us incredibly hard to work with, I'd imagine. It's this mentality that I think has set off this thinking within myself. I DESERVE that position. I worked my whole LIFE to be prepared for this position. What did she do that was so much better than what I did? I'll never know, honestly. And that should be okay. But my nosy mind won't let it rest, and I'm going to continue to harp on it for a long time. I feel my inner fire burning out because now I feel stuck in a dead end job. I love my job, I love my department, but now I care a little less because a job like this isn't going to open up again until she leaves, I fear. I firmly believe in everything happens for a reason, but damn it sure doesn't feel like it right now. So here I sit, listening to the same emo songs I listened to as an angsty senior in high school. Jimmy Eat World is telling me to "get out of this place while [I] still have time." And I want to. I'm back to my college coping mechanisms of wanting to move to Ireland. I won't lie and say I didn't go home and harm myself that night. I'm honest enough with myself to know that it's stupid, but I had to do it. Don't ask me to explain why because I honestly have never been able to explain the urge. The Why. And that makes me feel even more messed up. It makes me question my regression and whether I should see someone again. But I'm an adult, now. Can I afford my mental health? I should prioritize that, but I have to keep the lights on and keep up this carefully woven facade that I have my shit together. She's 25 with a house that she owns and a car that she owns and no student debt! She must know what she's doing. She doesn't. She's lonely. She's allowing herself to be used by a guy she's fooling herself about. She's being childish by saying he's using her because they've talked and are both aware of the situation but she's questioning her judgement and self-worth because she always said she was never the type of girl that did this sort of thing. She can't lose the weight she so desperately needs to lose to be healthier but also to be seen as beautiful in the eyes of society, and more importantly, her mother, lastly herself. She wouldn't believe someone if she was told she was beautiful as she is right now, anyway. She wants to go back to high school, where she believes she peaked. And now she's whining about it on the internet. If you made it this far, kudos to you. I think I've rambled enough, now, and feel a bit better to have acknowledged my actions in writing. Will I improve upon them right now? Probably not. I'm still going to be a catty and hurt brat for a bit. And that's okay. It's going to have to be okay because I'm not okay. But I will be.