alitaptap (firefly)

"We cannot be a source of strength unless we nurture our own strength." - M. Scott Peck

[dianneberger]

For Dean #deantrbl

“Crescent Moon”

“I crave for your body. I crave for your warm, soft embrace and gentle touch. 

As our bodies intertwine, we share the warmth of each other’s skin. 

As I brush my hands through your fragrant black hair, I want to feel the softness of your supple skin. 

The glow of your radiant ivory face and your hazel eyes that’ll look through my anguished soul, will ease the pain from my head to my feet soles.

The uncertainty of the night; 

I’d want us to lie beside each other after a warm cup of tea. Let’s spend time with each other with delight;  

And enjoy each other’s’ company.

I long for spending the night with you on the roofs, looking at the stars.

 Under the moonlight, talking about your passion and the things you love. 

I want to listen to your sappy stories, the moments that made you laugh;

 And the days when you just want to forget the world.  

As you share your stories with me,  I want to see the genuine happiness on your face, The passion in your eyes and your heartfelt smile.

I’d love to cook your favorite food, 

to wake you up in the morning, to see how messy your hair would be, 

and how cute you are when you’re still groggy.

 I’d love to go to your gigs and watch you perform.  

To listen to your expressive songs; To cheer incessantly and sing along.

I’d love to travel the world with you. 

To interact with the people who love you the same way I do. 

To discover things, we never knew.

I’d love to know who you really are. 

I’d wish our souls would meet.

 But I’m not beautiful. I’m not in good shape.

  I’m not the woman you dream to be with. 

You’re a genius, a paragon. 

I want to be the one who will make you happy

But I know I won’t.”

-AnthonyDan- —– So I wrote a poem for Dean. This’d going to be my first time to post a poem that I made. I’ve made a lot but I was hesitant to post it since I don’t think those were good. However, I think I should post this because it’sabout Dean and I want to know if there are other people who also made poems for him. Haha.  Pls excuse if I commit mistakes. Comment so I could edit/correct it right away. :)

[holatinola]

dec 29 2019

(company year end party) it was christmas night of 2019 when i found out that i was being cheated on by my then-partner. this picture reminded me of the times i struggled to remain composed and not let my emotions eat me up. i had to concentrate on my work and be as efficient as possible despite my mental health being in shambles.

going through the grieving process and recovering from trauma was not an easy process. i had to go to work every single day with a heavy weight on my chest. ending the relationship was not as hard as everyone might think. one of the worst things i had to go through was seeing the horrible man go to work with no sign of remorse or guilt on his face, then there’s me, who is trying to survive each day by going to the bathroom stalls to cry and vomit my anxieties away. i dont think this horrible person is a lost at all. you know what’s painful? it’s the betrayal that had been going on for months; fooling everyone at work, my friends, and most especially my family who trusted him and welcomed him wholeheartedly and treated him as part of our own. to add, it’s dreadful how i ignored everything despite the red flags already being wiped on my face. i hated myself for settling for less, and pouring out my love for someone who doesnt deserve it. i wondered why i settled for him someone who’s underachieving and did the bare minimum. to add, i’ve let myself be undermined by a woman who i’ll describe as tawdry. her words have hurt me and have shattered my self-esteem into pieces, despite her not knowing me at all. imagine how frustrated i was learning she enabled the cheating process instead of being a woman of this generation---supporting fellow women. 

i cant fathom the idea of cheating being normalized in today’s generation. our world is going through chaos and all of us have our own struggles, why add up to the chaos that each person is going through?

but good news! after almost 3 months i started to feel better. i went out with friends, and spent more time alone which led me to have more time to process my emotions, thoughts, and be a better version of myself. i’ve never been this peaceful since i ended things with people. at times i get flashbacks of the horrible things I’ve been through; images of the conversation proofs; and times when this horrible man spent some time with my friends and family. i still end up blaming myself for the pain i’m going through. sometimes i wonder if things would still be this way if i were conventionally attractive? or if I just didnt ignore the red flags? recovering from trauma isnt an easy process; i had to isolate myself for days or cry myself to sleep as my way to cope whenever i am overwhelmed with emotions. i know that i am loved by my friends and family, but hearing a few hateful words from strangers sometimes shatter you into pieces. 

-//-

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.

George R.R. Martin (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

trauma in a nutshell

[holatinola]

2019

4/17/20

Woah. I was rereading my previous blog entries and I can’t help but cringe on how lousy my choice of words are. It’s been more than a year since I last had my entry. By the way, I already have a job which is just a 10-minute ride away from our home. I was hired on the 12th of December 2018 which makes it reasonable that I didn’t get to update this.

I can’t give you a detailed write-up about my life for the past year as it would require me to re-read my journal, scroll through my previous tweets, and allot some time to recollect my memories and the emotions that comes with it. Perhaps I would just focus on the good ones first. It won’t be detailed since I have already written my thoughts in my journal. 

I’ll be creating a separate entry for each people who had made my 2019 memorable since it would be very lengthy if I include them here. Although I have the luxury of time to update this blog (we’re currently quarantined due to Covid-19), I believe I need some motivation to to finish writing.. sucks to have a short attention span. 

[holatinola]

12/9 I was reading my journal entries for the past several months and I noticed that I somehow anticipated the heartbreaks I am currently experiencing right now. Several of my journal entries mentioned how I am not expecting anything from my favorite person despite making landi. I have also written a lot about not being good enough for anyone like rejections from job applications, disappointments, failed high hopes, and cutting off some friends, etc. It’s upsetting how you still get hurt despite not having any expectations. I don’t blame them nor hate them for causing me pain. Despite being optimistic, I sometimes catch myself thinking that maybe I am not good enough for anyone.

[holatinola]

12/7 My mind was filled with questions “what did I do?”. All I wanted was a genuine friendship. I didn’t expect anything from him. He told me he’s afraid that a time may come when we won’t be talking to each other…... He even said that he loves me. (C H E E Z Y) He used to be one of my best friends. I shared a lot of things with him, from life stories, jokes and even about how our days went by. I have already anticipated that he’d eventually leave and would probably end up with someone he really deserves. I can’t still contain the sadness that I feel after learning about the reason why he ghosted me. I’m actually okay with it but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It’s like having a sick family member who is at the verge of death. You know at some point that sooner or later, he has to leave. Despite being ready, you just can’t help but cry and be in despair as soon as he leaves. You’re ready for his inevitable death, but a part of you wishes he could stay. You know deep in your heart that he couldn’t stay longer. All you can do is to appreciate the days you were together and reminisce all the good memories. He was in my life for a reason and it’s okay if he didn’t stay. He made me feel special at some point and he has helped me during tough times. If I share this to anyone I am not close with, they’d probably judge me for being emotional because of someone I have never even met. I value friendship so much and the people who have helped me cope up with something I am struggling with, so it’s quite saddening that I won’t be able to spend the rest of my life with the people I value the most. He’s probably just a part of my recovery, and I completely understand. I will just be forever grateful that I met someone like him in this lifetime.

[holatinola]

Sept. 17

I’m starting to appreciate my mom more.. Despite the long waiting hours and heavy traffic,she still insists to go with me. She may not know everything about depression but she tries to understand me and not make me feel like I am a burden. I still feel bad whenever she prioritizes my health before her own. My meds are way more expensive but she refuses to buy her own medicines because hers are quite expensive too. Sometimes you just have to understand your parents way of showing love. It may not be the way you would wanted to be loved but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

[holatinola]

I’m really happy for my friends’ and batchmates’ successes, but a part of me wishes I could also experience being able to succeed and achieve something I’ve always wanted. I wanna experience falling in love, the feeling of being looked up to, being able to get what I want, things that I am aiming for… I just wanna experience having my own happiness.

[holatinola]

I’ve been dating this guy for months now though we consider each other as just friends with benefits. He’s a nice guy. The type of guy you would want to introduce to your parents as your boyfriend. He’s smart, good-looking, has a job, and loves his family. He always makes effort to see me despite the 2 hr travel time and he is also consistent and affectionate. We also have similar dreams for the future and share the same visions in life. But despite all these, I can’t seem to like him that much. Emotional connection isn’t just there. Maybe I just need more time to get to know him more. 

[holatinola]

'Falling in Love’

Falling in love seems to be something out of your needs and/or ideals.  Psychoanalyst Adam Phillips has an accurate explanation for ‘falling in love’ which I totally agree. Here it is:

“ All love stories are frustration stories… To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had (of one’s formative frustrations, and of one’s attempted self-cures for them); you wanted someone, you felt deprived of something, and then it seems to be there. And what is renewed in that experience is an intensity of frustration, and an intensity of satisfaction. It is as if, oddly, you were waiting for someone but you didn’t know who they were until they arrived. Whether or not you were aware that there was something missing in your life, you will be when you meet the person you want. What psychoanalysis will add to this love story is that the person you fall in love with really is the man or woman of your dreams; that you have dreamed them up before you met them; not out of nothing — nothing comes of nothing — but out of prior experience, both real and wished for. You recognize them with such certainty because you already, in a certain sense, know them; and because you have quite literally been expecting them, you feel as though you have known them for ever, and yet, at the same time, they are quite foreign to you. They are familiar foreign bodies.” 

Maybe I am just looking for someone who can fill the emptiness that I feel. Emptiness which was caused by wanting to become one with the society. The society seems to fall in love easily and sometimes I dream to become one of them. But I want to be more than that. I wanna fall in love with the right person for me, and eventually I will choose to love him/her wholeheartedly despite his/her flaws and shortcomings. We will help each other become one, while helping each other grow as individuals. I will choose to love this person once s/he arrives. Love is a choice, and it will always be a choice.

[holatinola]

My favorite guy is cold towards me lately. Maybe it was after I told him I am dating someone. I know that he’s very busy with acads and I really understand if ever he doesn’t have the extra time to actually reply to my messages nor to have a chat with me. But something is really off. Maybe I am just overthinking, or perhaps he doesn’t like me anymore. Sometimes I think that the friendship was only established due to the intention of being something more than friends. 

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

—

Thích Nhất Hạnh

[holatinola]

Life has been really good to me in the past few months. I seem to be starting to become healed. My group received an ‘Outstanding Thesis in Psychology’ award, and I made new friends. I also have graduated from college. I’m starting to become okay now. I tend to consider the things we usually overlook as blessings in disguise. My therapist told me that maybe the Universe has given me this illness because He knows that I am capable of turning this into something beautiful--to know myself more and to help others. It was a very difficult experience for someone who never really experienced something that may have led me to have depression. It was very difficult for me to rationalize the pain I was feeling inside.  I used to think that I am very useless because of what I have since I cannot find a job. Although I’ve been unemployed for more than 6 months, I think of this situation as a blessing in disguise since I may not be capable to work and earn money yet, but I was given the opportunity to spend more time with my mom which my sisters and I barely do due to our busy schedules as students. Perhaps the Universe really has a plan for me; or perhaps it was me who unconsciously planned it all out? 

[holatinola]

[holatinola]

[holatinola]

I like him. But perhaps the only reason  is due to the attention that he gives me, or maybe because he showed his utmost interest getting to know me more. Maybe because it was my very first time to have someone ‘reciprocate’ my feelings. He made me feel special and had spent time chatting with me despite being busy. He never fails to make me laugh. Perhaps I only like him because it boosts my self-esteem--the idea that someone likes me. Perhaps because I felt that he was there to listen to my never ending stories. He was very understanding and he’s really fun to share stories with.

Maybe I only like the idea of him. Or maybe the image of him that I have constructed in my mind which was made from every piece of things about him.

[holatinola]

We’ve been talking for almost 6 months now. We used to talk every single night talking about random stuff and getting to know each other. We’ve shared about a lot of things, such as his embarrassing moments, my depression, his struggle of being bullied as a kid, and our own struggles as individuals. We just ‘clicked’. Everything seems to be planned by the Universe. He seems to be my (platonic) soulmate. I think I fell in friend-love with him.