Why does Kaneki still try to do everything by himself? I always felt it was because he thought he needed to if he were to be loved by others, but Touka pretty explicitly showed him how much she loved him. My guess is that he thinks he has to continue to do everything himself in order to maintain that love, but also because Touka hasn't directly confronted that flaw of his. Hopefully you can clear it up, I love your metas :)
Ahhh thank you! So there are very complex reasons behind Kaneki’s motivations to do everything on his own, but let’s look at the other characters who explicitly embody this trait as well: Shirazu and Urie.
I think it’s notable that the reason Shirazu takes on all the responsibility is not because Kaneki saddles him with leading the squad (Shirazu was a good squad leader), but rather it’s connected to his upbringing. After Haru got sick, his mother left, and this happened to his father:
His father hung himself, leaving Shirazu as the only one who could possibly care for Haru. That’s why, when he’s dying, he genuinely thinks the world is cruel. He doesn’t trust the new family he has–Urie, Saiko, Mutsuki–to try and save her, and why would he? His mom left and his father also left when things got terrible. So he asks them to let her die, because without him, he thinks there’s no chance for her anyways.
And then let’s look at Urie. He takes over the Squad after Shirazu dies, and kind of is not a great leader, unlike Shirazu.
His determination and desperation to be strong and to overcome Kuroiwa is pretty clearly rooted in a childish desire to tell his father he didn’t want his father to leave him and to prove he was worth his father not sacrificing himself, because in Urie’s mind, Mikito prioritized his squad’s lives over coming home to him.
Basically, Urie does not want to be his father, but he’s become just like him anyways, and it almost killed him when he framed out, but Saiko saved him.
So, Kaneki. We know that Kaneki’s mother died from overwork, because she was so desperate to bear the burden for her sister and her sister’s family. Kaneki’s father died when he was so young that his mother is really the only parental example he had in his early formative years. And even though he truly does resent her for prioritizing everyone else, it’s obvious that Kaneki’s followed in her footsteps in that.
But beyond that, Kaneki’s dad died, his mom abused him and died, and his aunt abused and neglected him. These are all things Kaneki had absolutely no control over. He is not in any way at fault for any of these. But it’s highly, highly common for abuse victims to blame themselves–especially children. See, all children are by nature egocentric–but I’m using a psychological term here, not the common way “egocentric” would be used as a negative thing. It just means that children are not able to fully grasp the complexity of the world, and so they believe that they deserve or have earned everything that happens to them. It’s interesting to me that Kaneki is shown in a fetal position last chapter:
So this chapter really highlighted Kaneki’s childlikeness for me (I should also clarify: childlike is not a negative thing; childish is negative, they have different connotations).
Because Kaneki believes he is somehow responsible for every bad thing that’s happened to him (thinking of himself as the protagonist also ties into this), and because he also doesn’t want to be his mother and wants the bad things to stop happening to both him and to those he loves, he believes he alone can stop it. Which is a faulty mindset: Suzuya made his own choice to fight in the 24th ward. So did Mutsuki. Hinami chose to stay behind and almost sacrifice herself. Naki expressed that he wanted to die. Those are not Kaneki’s fault.
Like Shirazu, due to his childhood experiences teaching him he could not rely on others, Kaneki is too scared to actually rely on others. Like Urie, he’s still grief-torn over the loved ones he lost even though he had no control over most of them. He’s a traumatized child.
And furthermore, Kaneki absolutely loathes himself. He sets up seemingly hypocritical boundaries like “killing ghouls fine, killing humans no, but I’m the ghoul king” because it’s literally the only way he can live with himself. It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism. He does not believe he’s worth love if he isn’t good enough, if he isn’t kind enough, if he doesn’t get hurt enough. Love for Kaneki is inherently tangled in him being hurt, just like his mom hurt him but also loved him. Touka is not abusive, Tsukiyama is not abusive, Hide never was, so Kaneki must hurt himself to protect them.
(I’m crying as I’m writing this, because it’s really damn relatable and my heart’s broken for him.)
Kaneki does know he’s loved. Touka, Tsukiyama, everyone in Goat could not show him more how loved he is–except they actually could if they confronted the worst parts of him, like Urie and Saiko did with Mutsuki recently (what is foreshadowing). Because he doesn’t trust them fully to love him if he’s what he fears he is (a murderer, and he is a murderer). But they love him anyways, and I expect them to show him that at the end. Like Mutsuki, he’s probably going to be in complete and total despair after this, but accept that he’s a murderer and he cannot justify his murders.
But. But Touka and the others still love him. The entire CCG and Goat are trying to save him because to them, he’s worth it, even though he killed countless CCG agents in the 24th ward and countless ghouls. Like Urie and Saiko had to acknowledge Mutsuki’s wrongdoings, Touka and the others need to acknowledge Kaneki’s, and tell him that they love him no matter what. And they will, I believe that.
Tl;dr: Kaneki is afraid to know himself, and to let others know him, due to his childhood trauma and deep self-loathing.
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