The Dating Accounts of Holly Golightly

“Never love a wild thing...If you let yourself love a wild thing. You'll end up looking at the sky.” Follow Holly's hysterical stories as she ventures out into the dating world. Submit a funny account and let Holly tell your story!

[hollygolightlydating]

The Greek God

I feel like I am pretty persistent when it comes to things I truly want. Especially if it is something that is really attainable. A happy, loving relationship is completely attainable if both parties are interested. (If only I could listen to my own advice every now and then rather than looking like a complete fool every other week. But that’s a different story.)

This story isn’t quite so humorous as it is about chasing what you want. And for that, I decided to finally say yes to the Greek God.

I met Ben close to seven years ago during my first semester of college when he was dating my roommate. We never hung out, even at the house, but would say hello and give an awkward wave when we ran into each other somewhere.

We’ve been friends on Facebook since we met so I’ve seen his previous girlfriends, his moves cross country, his family get-togethers and that he was insanely in shape. Ben not only has a successful career in sales, but he is a personal trainer on the side and has the body of a Greek god.

I hadn’t talked to Ben in probably four years, not even on Facebook, when I received a random message from him asking how I was. We made small talk for a while and I learned that he had just moved back to the area from Chicago and was surprised to see me still here. A few moments later, he asked if I would like to get dinner.

While Ben is severely attractive…. I’m just not that attracted to him. Maybe it’s a self-conscious issue where I don’t want to be standing in a bikini next to someone who is more ripped than Hercules.

 Yup.. that’s probably it.

I was very flattered that someone so gorgeous invited me to dinner, but had just started seeing someone. I declined and throughout the next few months he kept distant, but always liked my status updates.

Ben had pretty great timing and messaged me again about the time things were ending with the guy I was seeing. I hesitantly denied his advances as I just wasn’t ready to put myself out there yet. I had also accepted a position in Hawaii and though I wasn’t moving for several months, there was just no point in dating.

A few weeks later, I ran into Ben while I was out with some girlfriends. Wow! He looked amazing. He had been in a golf tournament all day and let me just tell you, golf attire suits him well even if he was drenched in sweat. He immediately conversed with my friends and was eager to introduce me to all of his. (Which is huge to me as I never met any of my ex’s friends and he was not interested in meeting mine.) He impressed me so much, I finally gave him my number so he could call to ask me out the next time and not go through Facebook.

Ben continued to call and text for two more months before I finally agreed to see him, even if I was moving to Hawaii in two weeks.

I was his first date since he moved from Chi town and none of his friends could believe he actually brought a girl with him when we met up with them after dinner.

I can honestly say I may have missed out on something great with this guy. He may share a little too much on social media, but he is the total package. Charming, family-oriented and genuine is a great combination. His persistence was perfect, never needy or overbearing and may have been the push I needed to get over my ex and back into the dating world.

He is a wee bit older than me and ready to start a family so needless to say, I am not the right fit for him. But for some lucky lady out there, he will be their Prince Charming.

*Sigh… they do exist.

[hollygolightlydating]

Tinder Schminder

Have any of you tried dating online through social media or Facebook? Messaging random people hoping they’ll engage in a conversation with you and eventually meet you in public to converse face to face? There are a ridiculous amount of apps and websites that promise YOU will find true love with the click of a finger.

Now, I am not a hater of finding a soul mate via the internet as my sister and her husband found each other online and are now happily married with a newborn son. After all, aren’t we all just looking for someone who has similar interests of or own to spend our free time with?

I’ll get back to online dating shortly.

So, this story is about a chemical engineer who went for THREE degrees in college to be super specialized in his field. (I told you I like them nerdy!) He asked a mutual friend, Diana, about me when she had posted a picture of us at a Dave Matthews concert in New Orleans on Facebook. She showed me his picture and gave me a quick rundown on who he was and why I should go on a date with him.

-          Super smart

-          Going to make bank

-          Lives on the river

-          Has a boat

-          Loves to wakeboard

-          Super cool dude

She had me at boat.

However, I wasn’t really interested since I was on a dating hiatus and was more focused on drowning my liver for the next few months and not indulge in feelings and eventually a letdown.

A few months went by and Diana came over for homemade chicken pot pie when she said that the nerdy engineer, Mack, was asking about me again. By this time, I had been on a few dates with duds and figured it wouldn’t hurt meeting him, but she had to be there. No more awkward first dates where you have to be super attentive and talkative. That mess drains you and for once, someone needs to be selling themselves to me.

Mack stopped by that evening as we were putting in The Hangover Part 2 DVD and indulging into a chocolate Hershey’s pie. (My favorite when I’m feeling down. I don’t even cut a slice, just dive right in.) He was much shorter than I imagined and wearing ripped jeans and a dingy t-shirt covered in holes. Not exactly the look you should go for upon meeting for the first time. It is sad that appearances really are the base of our attraction, but seriously….. at least try to look presentable.

I knew I wasn’t going to be romantically interested (ever), but why not a cool guy to be friends with? I asked if he wanted a fork to join us in devouring the scrumptious pie. He wasn’t shy at all and dove right in.

That was the only time I saw him until another several months down the road. He caught me on a random night when I didn’t have anything to do. I had just finished working out and was chugging a protein shake when he texted asking if I would like to meet him for a drink. I was sweaty, had dirty hair and no makeup on, but walked out the door to meet him.

We had a few margaritas at a Mexican restaurant and the conversation was actually great. I had still made up my mind that there was no attraction even if he did possess my favorite toys and shared mutual hobbies.

Then, when the bill came and he didn’t even flinch when I picked it up and took my time digging my card out of my wallet…. I knew he was most definitely not the one for me. A lady likes a man, and a man always pays for a ladies drinks. Needless to say I never responded to his advances and wasn’t even interested in a new “friend.”

Soooo… back to online dating. My very best guy friend texted me late one night and asked if I had heard of Tinder. I had not, so I downloaded the app onto my phone immediately to see what this “gem” was all about. It was your basic dating app except had way raunchier pictures than others. After a little digging, I read that most people use the app as a way to quickly “hook up” with singles in the area and that there were several sexual harassment lawsuits by losers who couldn’t get a clue. Eh, not for me. So as I was deleting my presence (which I had only had for 20 minutes), I receive a text from non-other than Mack…..

“So I saw you on Tinder, and I may not be as captivating as the other guys on there, but if you’d still like to go to lunch with me sometime the offer still stands.”

What I really wanted to say was “No thanks,” but since I don’t really have the guts to give a flat out no… a no response served its purpose.

I must say, being reached out to because of Tinder was the ultimate turn off.

[hollygolightlydating]

Mixing with the Mix-Matches

A former beau and I moved to Sacramento the summer of 2012. A good bit of our relationship was spent around good food, good drinks and great conversation with people we met while out socializing. Being new to the city, we researched online for the most popular bars where we could mingle and meet a few young professionals, like ourselves.

We desperately needed friends outside of one another! One bar on our list to check out was also recommended by one of my beau’s colleagues at the hospital, so we decided to dress up and hit the town up for happy hour.

The websites description:

“Mix Downtown brings hip sophistication to Sacramento’s expanding urban restaurant core. Mix Downtown is the perfect venue for after work socializing, intimate receptions, business meetings, cocktail parties, or a night on the town with friends.”

The Mix sounded like it was right up our alley and exactly where we would find friends to help us settle in.

We arrived right in the middle of happy hour and to our surprise the upstairs venue was packed with a much older crowd than our own.

We scanned the pristine modern bar and ordered a glass of red wine, and noticed the older crowd seemed to be staring us down. We decided to make our way to the patio which housed a strange scene of women grouped amid the couches and chairs not speaking to one another nor drinking cocktails. Men were standing along the edges of the patios with beer or bourbon drinks, scanning the women and often pointing at one while chatting with other men. Then the stares turned toward us. It seemed as if every person in that place was looking us up and down as if we were not welcome.

I, of course, became self-conscious wondering if my hair was too big, my dress was too short or if I just looked Southern and out of place. At least my beau looked like something that stepped out of GQ and never resembled a creature from the south. I felt the daggers the women were throwing from their pensive eyes as I tried to disappear. I then felt tongues trying to taste my flesh when I moved my attention to the other side of the patio where the men looked hungry and savage-like.

“We are definitely not in the south anymore,” Beau said.

“I’m not trying to complain, but I’m really uncomfortable. Can we go inside,” I asked.

He, too, felt as though we were being preyed upon and we made our way back inside.

“I feel like the crowd is really old here,” I said.

Beau liked it and wanted to stay.

He finished his glass of wine while I felt like I had only taken 2 sips. When he parted to refill his glass, I begged to go with him as I did not want to be left alone.

The moment he left my side, three men approached me and started spatting comments of “youth”, “beauty”, “sexy” that I didn’t have time to let any of it sink in before someone grabbed my arm and pulled me away.

It was another older gentleman, Indian and very sharply dressed.

“What are you doing here?” he asked as he helped me escape the vultures.

Baffled, I didn’t know how to respond. I was on the verge of tears as I was so uncomfortable and have never been gawked at and approached in such a demanding way.

“We just moved and need friends,” I awkwardly said.

He started laughing hysterically. “Sweetie, you’re not going to find any friends here. You are at and over 40’s Match.com mixer! Hahahahahaha!”

It all made sense now. Maybe Sactown wasn’t such a bad place after all! I started laughing uncontrollably because something like that WOULD undoubtedly happen to us. All of a sudden I felt another arm around my waist. It was Beau and he whispered “are you okay” referring to the nicely dressed Indian man holding my shoulder as he bent over from laughing.

“Honey, you will not believe where we are.”

He, too, thought I was hysterical. “Thank God someone told us. No wonder people gave us death stares the entire time and looked like they were about to snatch Holly up.”

Needless to say, when moving to a new city you should stay open-minded about the places and people you meet. And possibly read signs like “Match.com Mixer Upstairs!” before wandering in.

[hollygolightlydating]

Blindly Dating

We all have those friends who LOVE to set us up with their significant others friends or their hopeless colleagues. How many blind dates have you been on before you started making excuses to not go?

The famous, “I have to wash my hair. No, really.”

“Aww, I just started seeing someone and I want to see where it’s going.”

“I have a really bad stomach bug.”

“My dog isn’t feeling well so I need to stay home with him.”

And then there are times that you think, “heck, why not go? Not like I have anything better to do.” So when a friend of mine asked if I would be interested in a Doctor of Physical Therapy who lived two hours away, I thought maybe he would be my McDreamy.

After responding to Hannah, I had a Facebook friend request from a guy named Edgar. He also sent over a message stating he was Hannah’s friend and was hoping we could chat a bit and then meet up later in the week for dinner.

So, we chatted via text and Facebook and he seemed to be a pretty sharp guy. Definitely thorough with his responses as they each were about the size of a novel. He looked quite nerdy in his pictures, but I happen to be attracted to nerdy, so it wasn’t offsetting in the least. He also told me he was an avid camper and went on a camping trip just about every weekend. I have only been camping maybe twice in my life (both AWFUL experiences, will elaborate in another post), but for some reason was excited to hopefully spend a weekend in nature!

(Random side note***How people only date or decide they “love” someone after only communicating via the internet is mind-blowing. I need face-to-face interaction.)

After a week of cyber communication, I agreed to meet him in his city, two states and two hours away from mine. I had two days off and needed a little R&R away from my hectic schedule and decided I would just get a hotel room and explore the city the following day. Besides, I had a few friends that had relocated to the area and thought it would be a great time to grab lunch and catch up.

White button down, jeans and aviator glasses is what I was searching for as I walked toward the restaurant on the corner in the vibrant city. And then I spotted him, sitting in a metal chair near the entrance with his legs crossed, intently focused on his phone squeezed between his fingers.

Hmm, not what I was expecting at all and certainly not my McDreamy or McSteamy. I truly believe that one moment of in-person contact is enough to know if you are attracted or not. However, I was there and was going to make the most of it.

It was a little after 3 p.m. and I wasn’t terribly hungry as I had eaten on the drive over, but was definitely looking forward to a few drinks since I turned it into a mini vacation. Everything I wanted to explore was within walking distance of my hotel so it wasn’t like I was going to be driving drunk! So, I started with the only appropriate drink for Sundays…. A Bloody Mary.

It wasn’t just that he wasn’t what I was expecting, it was the way he was talking and telling stories. Extremely slow with no enthusiasm and monotone. He didn’t laugh at my jokes and sarcastic comments nor did he seem to understand my dry humor. It simply and plainly wasn’t a match made in heaven.

After about two hours of chit chatting and me trying to be patient through his loooooooooooong, boring tales, I told him I must leave to check in to my hotel and rest for a bit. He insisted on following me to make sure I arrived safely and then we could walk somewhere for dinner since we didn’t eat at the last place.

As usual, my mind raced for a valid excuse to let him down easy, but I felt a ping of guilt to just leave him after we had texted back and forth for a week. After all, he was a nice guy, just not for me. Once again, I was in an awkward position as I said that would be great and gave him the address to the hotel.

I told him he could wait in the lobby while I took my bags up and freshened up a bit. I changed into more comfortable shoes to walk around in (I am so not a city girl) and chugged one of the complimentary bottles of water left in the room. When I found him in the lobby, he had a single rose he had bought off of a lady on the street for me. It was really sweet, but there I was leading this chap on already and didn’t know how to react.

I decided to just try my best at letting him know that he was being put in the friend zone, but given my past at telling how it is, I wasn’t really prepared on exactly how to do that. We walked to a perfect little bistro full of culture and amazing organic food. He ordered us a bottle of red wine while I was in the ladies’ room as he recalled me telling him in one of our texts conversations that I loved Cabernet Sauvignon. Well I DO love cab, but sharing a bottle of wine at dinner is supposed to be romantic and I was definitely not planning on adding romance to the menu.

My blackened fish tacos with mango salsa and sweet potato fries were to die for! The cabernet was delicious! And the live music was entertaining and put me in a happy place as I was really enjoying being off of work and on the other side of the bar for once. The music was loud in the tiny bistro so conversation with Edgar was pretty much impossible.

I saw that there was a long wait outside for a table in the lively bistro and wanted others to have a wonderful experience as I did. I asked our waitress for my check and said that she could put the bottle of wine on me since I drank majority of it as he had ordered a whiskey drink after only one glass of wine. He didn’t hear my requests and nodded when the waitress gave a thumbs up for approval. When she returned with separate checks, he angrily snatched the book from my hand and mouthed that he was insulted. I didn’t argue.

We left the fabulous place and I saw several little stores and gift shops I wanted to shop at (alone) and decided I would bid him farewell and then continue roaming the city myself. But of course, he insisted on walking me to my hotel and I reluctantly obliged.

He had told me via text sometime that week that he had to work early Monday morning so I figured he would leave no later than 9 p.m., but here it was 9:15 and he was about to cross the threshold into the lobby of my hotel. I stopped right inside the doorway and stuck my hand out for a shake and began to say, “It was a pleasure…..”

“Oh, I thought we were going up to your room? Can I have some water, I had way too much to drink today and can’t make the drive just yet,” he said.

Ugh, ruining my plans, but definitely didn’t want to be the cause of a DUI.

There was only one bed in my small hotel room and a massive big screen TV that I had planned on ordering movies from and room service later in the night. Edgar sat in the chair squeezed into the corner and sipped on a glass of sink water. I went to the restroom and when I returned maybe 5 minutes later, he was asleep with his mouth wide open in the chair. I felt sort of bad for him, so I didn’t scold him telling him he had to get out.

I went back to the restroom to change into my pajamas, wash my face and get into bed.

I woke up in a panic when I felt someone’s body on top of mine, someone’s lips pressed against mine and was on the verge of screaming for help, until I realized it was Edgar. I pushed him away and asked what the hell he was doing. I looked at the clock on the bedside table and saw it was 2:28 a.m.

“I’m sorry, I woke up in the chair and you looked like an angel sleeping in these white sheets. I didn’t mean to startle you,” Edgar said.

“It’s okay, Edgar, but I think it’s time for you to go,” I said, tired of always being nice and giving people the benefit of doubt.

He looked hurt. Oh no, not the puppy dog eyes.

“I had such a beautiful day and night with you. I thought there was something between us and you were happy with me. You laughed all night at dinner.”

Shit. (I have really got to stop being so nice and more blunt about my feelings.)

“Edgar, I had a great time. Dinner was delicious and I did enjoy being a patron in a bar for once, but I do not think we have a future. I’m sorry,” I said apologetically.

He stood up and said that I just needed a few days to think about the life he could give me and that “when you know… you know… and I definitely know.” He grabbed his keys, kissed me on the cheek and left.

I got up and dead bolted the door then went back to bed.

  The following week he texted, Facebook messaged and called me every day.  I didn’t respond.

A few more weeks went by and he continued the three and invited me on several camping trips. I didn’t respond.

“Are you flying away from me,” he asked. I didn’t respond.

“I’ll take that as a yes… I enjoyed time with you… maybe you’ll fly back one day J,” he said a few hours later. I didn’t respond.

After a month of no response from me he sends:

“Possible reasons why Holly won't respond to me:

1)  She's just not into you

2)  She's dating too many other dudes

3)  She decided to become a lesbian (with her roommate?)

4)  She has given up on relationships because of past assholes

5)  I wasn't wild enough

Seriously I'd like to know something to rest my soul”

  Now, I feel SLIGHTLY bad, but dude enough is enough. It was one blind date that I was not interested in upon walking up to officially meet him. Was I supposed to say that? Is that how you let people down? By being brutally honest?

Regardless, he was blocked from all forms of communication. He didn’t even look in my direction when I ran into him at Hannah’s wedding a few months later.

Desperation is not attractive. If you are blowing someone’s phone and email up after one date, something is wrong with you and you need to get yourself in check.

These dating adventures are helping me see what I want out of a partner and how I should act MYSELF. I make mistakes with guys I think I could date longer than a week, but communication is a two way street and if one person has shut down, it is best to just walk away.

[hollygolightlydating]

We women have been brought up to believe that men will walk all over us. They will tear our tiny love-filled hearts out and leave us to bleed out from our capillaries. Men only want one thing and once you give it to them, they will disappear from our lives forever.

Men simply do not fall in love. Is this not how Hollywood movies portray them in every teen/young adult film?

AS IF! It seems as though men and women have swapped roles in today’s world. Every new man you meet have some sappy story to reel you in. And then, the tiny four lettered word appears. I can’t tell if they really “feel” the love they are speaking of, or if they “think” we want to hear the spine-chilling word.

Let me explain…..

Have you ever had someone tell you they love you? That every inch of their soul is captivated by you…. How about someone you’ve only known and dated a week?

Over the past 3 years, I have had SEVEN men tell me that they love me. Most of them were people I dated between 2-4 months before the bloodcurdling word popped up and I chose to run away, but this story is about the guy I only knew and dated a week. (Trust me, there will be more stories of the other six.)

I was at one of my favorite local dives listening to live music on a Wednesday night when I noticed a group of business dressed men glance in my direction several times. It looked as though they were talking about me and being a little too conspicuous about it. When they moved to the empty seats next to me at the bar, I undoubtedly knew one of them was going to strike up a conversation with one girl sitting alone. Me.

And then it happened. A guy stood directly in front of me, blocking my view, as he took a sip from his Bud Light bottle. He paused slightly, then turned his head a quarter and glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. He whipped around to face me and apologized for standing in front of me. “Oh man, I could’ve stopped just a step more, huh,” he said grinning. “No worries,” I responded, “They lure you in,” as I nodded to the band. I then noticed the ring on his left hand.

He leaned against the bar stool to the left of me while I took a sip of my Red Stripe and started to ask me a question, but I was too preoccupied trying to get to my ringing phone in the bottom of my purse. I missed the call of my friend who was supposed to meet me there and when I tried to dial her back, she was already standing next to me, asking the bartender for a beer. I was happy she arrived when she did so I didn’t bring up conversation of his wife.

Before I could even say hello to her, another business dressed man appeared holding a glass of wine. My first thought was how peculiar that a place known for their craft beer selection has a patron sipping on red wine. “I see you have already met my friend Patrick. I’m Jake,” he said as he stuck his hand out for a shake. Patrick, the married guy, jumped right back into the game. “Have you ladies heard this band before? Their okay… just not my cup of tea. A little too bluesy for my taste,” Patrick said while shaking his head.

Amelia, my girlfriend, invited me to come listen to her boyfriend and best friend play so needless to say, his opening line was not a hit with her. “Actually, I listen to them quite often. You see the lead singer/guitar player up there? He is my boyfriend,” Amelia said with a smile and wink. Patrick turned back to the band and drank his beer. (Poor guy couldn’t catch a break.) Jake moved closer in-between Amelia and I and made small talk for the next few minutes. We learned that he was there for a work meeting and he and his friend Patrick were wine reps. My ears perked up and I suddenly cared to continue the conversation for I loved everything about wine and wanted to show off my Napa knowledge.

When Amelia and I decided we were going to get a table to eat dinner, Jake said he had an early morning and bid us farewell. Patrick and a few other colleagues followed behind him out the door while none of them asked for either of our numbers. We settled in to a table close to the band scanning over the menu when my phone lit up with a Facebook friend request from none other than Jake.

“Wow, less than five minutes after leaving. I don’t think he had time to leave the parking lot,” I bellowed to Amelia. I typed him a private message in Facebook, “That didn’t take long.”

He responded immediately, “Dinner Friday night?”

“Less than five minutes, you’re creeping on my Facebook and asking me to dinner in two days. You don’t play around,” I wrote back.

  The next two days consisted of constant texting between us and an agreement to allow him to cook me dinner on Friday night. (Can I just say that dating in our technological world is absolutely horrendous?! I truly believe it puts relationships in fast forward mode and screws everything up.)

So, I arrived at his home around 7 p.m. that Friday to a wonderful place setting of grilled fish, Caesar salad, and green beans. Oh, and two bottles of nice red wine! (After all he is a wine rep and is always getting to try the latest and greatest in wine world for free. HELLO PERK!) The food was great, the conversation was great, but it was time for me to go home before I couldn’t drive. He was upset that I was leaving and tried talking me into staying, but after 30 minutes of arguing, I finally left.

The next day I was going to a football game with my parents and had an extra ticket, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask Jake to accompany us. He was very affectionate in front of my folks which was offsetting to me since this was the first time they met him and he and I barely knew one another. Not to mention I am not a fan of PDA. When I whipped around to tell him to quit rubbing my leg, there was something crazy in his eyes. He removed his hand and was quiet the rest of the game. (Let’s just say my parents weren’t, uh, crazy about him. Embarrassing!)

That night we met some friends at a downtown bar’s 1-year anniversary party. (This is where things got super weird.) Jake had invited his sister and her husband whom he had mentioned lived right down the road from the bar. When they arrived, his sister Grace, ran up to me and gave me a huge bear hug. She said she had been waiting to meet me and that Jake had gone on and on about how wonderful I was. I smiled and said, “It is just so…. so wonderful to meet you as well. Didn’t know how close you two were.” I thought this was strange behavior considering I had only met her brother three days prior and had just heard about her for the first time on the car ride down.

The rest of the night I tried to dodge Grace because every time she talked to me, she was asking when I was coming up to meet their parents, where I was thinking about settling down and where I saw myself in three years. I think I burst her bubble when I said I was working on moving to south Florida and had no intentions of ever settling…. Ever. She gave me a strange look and walked to Jake and whispered in his ear.

I let Jake crash at my place that night since we had way too much to drink and his place was a good 30 minutes from downtown. The next day I had plans for a Sunday brunch with my friends and a puppy event right after. I could tell Jake wasn’t leaving anytime soon so I invited him to that as well. (Ugh!) I really had had enough of him for the weekend and needed some space. (I mean come on, give me a chance to miss you.)

During brunch with my pals and our pups, I became seriously annoyed with Jake and decided to fake sick to get out of hanging with him. He was pretty bummed, but when my friends invited him to go along with them to the event, he jumped right on it. I thought, okay well at least I can sleep in peace for a few hours and I’ll meet back up with Amelia tonight for the concert we had tickets to.

After my nap and shower, Amelia texted me that they were getting a bite to eat at a restaurant downtown and for me to come meet them before we walked to the venue. When I arrived, there was Jake, still with my friends. What in the hell was he still doing there? I took a seat and said, “Oh, I thought you would have gone home by now with work in the morning and all. Did you have fun today?”

“We had a blast! I really like your friends. Amelia invited me to the concert with you two,” he responded.

WTF! Didn’t Amelia have telepathic powers and know that I was ready to ditch this guy? Did I look like relationship material to you? I kept my composure the best I could and by some miracle, Jake excused himself to the restroom, giving me a moment to bombard Amelia with a million questions.

“WTF Ame’s! I skipped the puppy event so I could get away from him! Now I have to spend another 3-4 hours with him??”

Amelia’s response stunned me. “Don’t you screw this up, Holly! I really like him for you. Seriously, drop the bitchy attitude.”

I couldn’t process her words. Here was my best friend who knew me better than anyone in the world telling me to not screw it up with someone.

1. She knows I’m a free-spirited flight risk ready to leave this dumpy city.

2. She knows that relationships are not something I hold on to, nor desire.

3. We met this guy less than five days ago!

4. AMELIA IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!!

I was really enjoying myself at the concert with my friends and had one beer before switching to only water since I had to be at work bright and early the next morning. I was taking Amelia’s advice and shook off the negative feelings so I wouldn’t have a miserable time. Jake, on the other hand was constantly snapping pictures of me and getting Amelia to take snap a few of the two of us. Not long after, I had Facebook notifications that Jake had tagged me in 7 or 8 photos.

After the concert, we were invited to get a late night bite with some people we ran into at the concert, but I declined and told Jake he was more than welcome to go with them. He also declined and said he was ready to go home and cuddle. “Umm, no,” I thought. If I was going to ever put my foot down, it needed to be at that moment.

“I’m sorry, Jake, but you can’t stay with me. I have work in the morning and I need to be 100 percent focused on this proposal. If you can’t drive home, I will pay for half of your taxi.” (That was a nice way to get out of it, right?)

The crazy eyes were back and he seemed livid. “Why are you being such a bitch? I have been hanging out with your friends all day so you cannot say I haven’t been bending over backwards to make you happy. This is ridiculous. A taxi? You’re going to make me pay for a taxi and not let me stay with you when you just live down the road? You are a user, Holly. You just take and take while I try to give you the world.”

I was dumbfounded. Where in the hell do I find these weirdo’s? I was debating with myself as to what to do. What I wanted was to go home alone and to never see him again. If he was this crazy after a weekend of dating, who knew where this would be in a month.

However, I gave him the benefit of doubt and told him I was sorry and that he could stay. ( L seriously annoyed with myself.) When we got back to my place, I took my phone into the bathroom to have a few moments to myself and started to browse Facebook. Jake had changed his default picture to one of the two of us and changed his relationship status to “in a relationship.” WTF! I dare not mention it to him for fear of “the talk”.

I didn’t see him for two days after that, but had an inbox full of small-talk texts from him and he was angry that I wasn’t responding promptly.

My response: “Seriously? I am at work. I am BUSY at work. I do not have time to sit on my phone and have meaningless conversation via text and snapchat every second of the day. Do not text me again until after 5 p.m.”

To my surprise, he didn’t text me until 4:59 p.m. that day.

After this small snap, I tried to rationalize my feelings of anger and annoyance with this guy. Then decided that I was feeling guilty for being a royal bitch to a guy who just wanted to be around me. So when he asked me to a concert the following day, Halloween, I felt as though I must go.

The show didn’t start until 10 p.m. and had I known that tidbit of information, I would have declined. (I’m really not that much of a granny, but it was a busy week at work and I needed to be on my A-game.) Anyway, I was having a great time watching all of the people dressed up for Halloween in the venue while the opening act was playing. Thor, Bon Jovi, Sting and Cher were all in attendance and even a guy with a table around his hips with a lampshade on his head was there. Get it? A one-night-stand.

Jake noticed I had finished my one beer and asked if he could go get me another drink. “A water would be great, thanks,” I said. He gave me a strange look and said, “water? Really? You need a vodka drink to loosen you up.”

“No thanks, Jake. I don’t mix beer and alcohol and I have an early morning. Water, thanks,” I requested again.

He rolled his eyes and walked to the bar. He returned a moment later with a plastic cup filled with what looked like water. One sip and the burn of the alcohol singed my tongue and throat as it went down. I was pissed.

“Seriously Jake? I asked for water, said no to the vodka you offered me and you give it to me anyway. WTF is wrong with you?”

“Whoa, Whoa calm down Holls! Drink up, it’ll make you feel better,” he said laughing which only fueled my fire. I walked to the bar, set the toxic drink on the counter and started digging in my purse for my wallet. I took a twenty dollar bill and handed it to him saying this would cover my ticket and to enjoy the show. I turned and started making way for the door. I was not about to stay one more second with this asshole who clearly had some mental issues going on and was already being controlling.

He followed me out the door apologizing with every step. He slipped the $20 in an opening of my purse and begged me to come back in to watch the show. “Please, Holly! I won’t make you drink vodka! I’ll get you a water right now just please don’t leave me down here. How would you get home, huh? You going to hitchhike?”

I felt like such a bitch. Did I snap because of the vodka or the whole situation had pushed me over the edge? I reluctantly went inside with him and made my way to the front of the stage so at least he couldn’t try to talk to me.

I closed my eyes and swayed back and forth while I took in the music, trying to relax and forget about the argument a few moments before. The band had started their third song and Jake tapped me on the shoulder, startling me. When I opened my eyes, he grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the venue and down the sidewalk towards his car. I stopped and asked what was going on. He turned around and said that I was obviously not having fun and he wasn’t going to be around a sour bitch all night.

Astounded, I said I would find my own way home and that I was not putting up with this crazy mess. I turned and started walking the other direction towards a bar I knew one of my friends was bartending at. He chased me and said he was sorry and could he please just take me home. “Please, Holly, please. Don’t leave on bad terms, just let me take you home and everything will be fine,” he said.

So, against my better judgment for what had to be the tenth time with this guy, I started walking towards his car. As soon as I shut the door, he started dog cussing me out saying “I am in love with you and you have been nothing but a #^#&(@! Bitch to me. $%@! You!” I sat there and listened while he continued speaking to me like a piece of trash and driving recklessly which had me on edge. I told him to shut up and pull over, that I would rather walk home than listen to him.

He ignored me and continued.

“SHUT THE F* UP!!!,” I finally screamed. “Do not speak the rest of the way to my house!”

He was silent for the most part and every time he tried to say something I cut him off.

When he pulled into my driveway and tried to stop his ignition, I sternly told him to leave it running because he was not stepping foot inside of my house. I ran to the door, fumbling with the keys to hurry and get away from this lunatic, but he followed me up the steps, begging for me to hear him out.

“It is almost midnight, Jake, I have neighbors who don’t want to hear you yelling. If this is a preview of what a relationship with you would be like, I am NOT interested! Get in your car and do not speak to me ever again.”

“But I love you, Holly, don’t you understand,” he said refusing to leave.

I don’t think I have ever been so angry in my life. “You love me? You’ve known me 8 days, TODAY. You love me? You are beyond crazy!! Now get off of my porch before I call the cops,” I screamed not caring if anyone heard me.

I slammed the door shut, dead bolted it, set my alarm and made my way to my bedroom. I really needed a vodka drink after that shit show. (Too bad I had work the next morning.) It took about three minutes before my phone started blowing up with calls and texts from him. So I turned it completely off.

When I turned my phone on the next morning, I had 11 voicemails, 23 texts, 6 Facebook messages and 3 tweets from Jake. I no longer had a doubt that this boy had some serious issues he need to get help with. (Sorry, but I am NOT your girl.)

To make a long story short, I blocked Jake from every form of communication and still have him blocked to this day. I ran into him once at the grocery store, but it seemed humiliation had finally seeped to his conscience.

The L word does not solve problems and in this case, it created them. Honestly girls and guys, don’t let people play with your emotions and make you feel guilty about being with them. Why did I continue to allow this guy to stay at my house after the FIRST time he called me a bitch? If you are asking yourself the same question, you must find the answer from within. (Whoa, I’m getting philosophical here! :) ) For me, I feel as though my southern upbringing and need to please everyone around me is the main factor in my dating woes. Start living and dating for yourself and make your inner spirit happy! ;)

Do you have a hysterical, frightening or enlightening story about the L word? Tell Holly and have it told!

    Cheers!

[hollygolightlydating]

The Royal Douche Loves the Country Club

I was bartending at an upscale restaurant for a few months after college where many pretentious assholes asked me out. The Jackson family were “regulars” and expected nothing less than royal service. Servers, managers and even the owner scrambled to cater this family’s every desire. If they requested something we didn’t carry, the bus-boy was handed cash and shoved out the door to quickly purchase the requested item as they were never told no. Many times I heard that they were in the building, but I never had the pleasure of serving them.

Until one night…. An older gentleman and his less than attractive son started barking commands at me while I was entering another couple’s food order into the computer. I was used to this kind of treatment since our clientele thought they were some form of gods and goddesses. I gave them my fakest smile and giggle while making their Old Fashioned’s and memorizing their very specific hors ’doeurve and dinner orders. The son was my age and asked several questions throughout the night.

“Do you have a day job?”

“What was your major?”

“Are you skilled in secretarial work?”

“Want to bartend for my restaurant?”

“Want to bartend AND work for my company?”

For some reason I engaged in the conversation, wanting to brag and dangle myself in front of him knowing that I would never give this guy the time of day. But when he was leaving and asked for my number so he could give it to his human resources department, I found myself versing the numbers to my personal cell phone. Ick! First mistake.

I turned and went back to tending the rest of my bar guests while he oogled a few moments more.

The next day, he texted me saying he would love to grab coffee and that he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about me since last night. Umm what? I gave this guy my number to possibly talk about working for his company, not to get 18th century smiley faces and coffee date requests via text message.

After about an hour, I responded that I was far too busy working two jobs and responding to career-like job inquiries and that I gave him my number for professional use. His response was quick and apologetic: “I am sorry, you’re right. How about I take you to lunch on Tuesday and I’ll bring the paperwork explaining the job.” I reluctantly agreed to go with him to see what this mess was all about as I was pretty desperate to get out from behind the bar.

After all, going out for lunches, dinners and drinks had basically become my second job. You see, I recently discovered a curling iron and red lipstick. Let’s just say that these findings have taken my dating life to a new extreme. I am often referred to as “cute” and “sweet”, but the attention the curly, platinum blonde hair and bright red lips diverge from men are quite astonishing and make me feel like a lioness on the prowl, shedding the baby fur and leaping into a more mature body. Maybe I am finally hitting my peak in my mid-twenties or the hormones they are injecting into the water (since I don’t eat the hormone injected meat) are taking their toll on my young bod.

I like to think of myself as the “Smoldering Temptress” from Moulin Rouge, one of Nicole Kidman’s alter-ego’s. The confidence that over pours with her petite waistline, mischievous eyes and vibrant red hair (tried it once in high school… not a good look for me) is almost too hot to handle. No wonder every gentleman wanted to spoil her with diamonds and have her for their own.

Instead of diamonds, this dude thought taking me to his daddy's Country Club would impress me. His attire made me cringe as he was trying to look like a southern millionaire that some brain-dead chicks would find attractive. He was undoubtedly barking up the wrong tree with me. A navy blue plaid shirt, dark navy sports coat with a blue and white floral hankie perfectly tri-folded in the pocket, light blue pants that barely covered his bare ankles and the stupidest shoes I have ever seen with a mountain of tassels on the tongue completed his douchey look.

The hostess welcomed us and asked if he would like his usual table. He told her he wanted a table on the patio next to the gardens where he could watch his beautiful lunch date while butterflies fluttered past. (LOL, I’m seriously dying reliving this.) She giggled slightly as she escorted us to the patio.

The waitress ran over to us with water as we scanned the menu and asked him if he would like his usual meal today. He slammed his menu shut which made me jump. “Yes, and she will take the garden salad with grilled chicken,” he barked at her. Did this guy really just order for me? I couldn’t believe how rude this guy was considering I didn’t eat meat and he didn’t even ask what I would like before ordering for me. He obviously didn’t notice I was borderline feminist (pretty much feminist) and I was fuming.

He went on and on about how he grew up in boarding school, owned his own business, oh wait make that two now that he had a restaurant and that he ate lunch at the country club every single day. “Whoop-de-doo,” I thought as I tried to not roll my eyes. He was lacking some serious gaming skills if he thought his blabber was impressing.

I wanted to change the subject so I didn’t have to hear more egotistical words come out of this guys mouth, and most certainly was not interested in the job if I had to look at or hear this guy every day. Could you imagine the torture? “So, do you have the paperwork for me to review,” I asked hesitantly. “Oh no, I knew I was forgetting something important on my massive desk. I guess we’ll just have to do lunch again tomorrow,” he stammered.

I wanted to shove his face in his meaty sandwich and bolt to the parking lot. How had I gotten myself in such a terrible position with the world’s douchiest loser? I didn’t know how much more of this I could endure and pretend like I wasn’t miserable.

My moment of escape came while I was picking around the chicken when he asked our waitress for a to-go box.  I looked at my watch and gasped that I didn’t realize how late it was and that I must run some errand before my shift. He signed the check and we made our way to the parking lot where he continued to tell me how busy he was owning so many companies and that he couldn’t hire enough slaves to do the work for him. I’m pretty sure I deserved an Oscar for acting like I was impressed or even slightly cared throughout that torturous hour.

I wish I could say this was our last encounter, but somehow I got suckered in to seeing him the next night. Well, it was actually the two dirty martini’s I had at dinner that caused the next disaster.

I was walking out of the restaurant where I had a fabulous dinner with my friends and there he was, perched against the bar, staring me down as I made my way to the door. Did he know I was there and intentionally crashed? (I still don’t know this answer, but my guess is yes.) Unfortunately, this was the only way out and I had to pass him. I thought about pretending I didn’t see him and to just keep walking, but I was in such shock that my fearful eyes never broke his stare. He grabbed my arm and I just didn’t have the strength to be a bitch, even to the worst person in the world, so I acted surprised and exclaimed, “Oh, I didn’t even recognize you without your hankie!” (Okay, so maybe I am a little bit of a bitch, but I blame the martinis on that one, too.) “What are you doing here? Did you follow me,” I insinuated inquisitively.

Somehow, he took that as “follow me” and said he would love to come over and happened to have a bottle of wine in his Escalade.

I was dumbfounded. How do you respond to something like that? Where had my friends disappeared to? I was too drunk to think of a way out and embarrassed by my delayed response said “ok.”

He followed me home and made his way inside with the bottle of 2010 Darioush cabernet. He had good taste, I had to at least give him that.

One glass in and he attacked me like a hawk, kissing (more like salivating) my face, trying to pin me down. “Gross gross gross, get off of me,” I kept thinking, trying to find a way to deter him. “I have to pee,” I exclaimed then darted to the bathroom. I locked the door, ran water from the sink and sat on the edge of the tub with my head in my hands. WTF was I thinking letting this guy barge into my home. First, I gave him my number and now he was sitting on my couch! This was too much and I needed my privacy back.

I decided to be stern with him and tell him he needed to go because I had an interview first thing in the morning, but as soon as I walked back to the couch, he attacked me again. This time his left hand held both of mine above my head and the right hand found its way up my shirt to where I couldn’t push him away. I finally screamed at the top of my lungs, “I’m waiting for marriage!!”

He stopped immediately and stared at me with an astonished face. “My God, you are perfect. A virgin all to myself.” Once again, I couldn’t win. He laid back down on the couch and cuddled up to me, whispering in my ear about how he found The One and was never letting me go. I felt paralyzed, confused and angry. I dare not move an inch as I waited for him to fall asleep.

It took about ten minutes and the sound of him snoring still haunts me to this day. I carefully escaped from his death grip without waking him and stood above him wondering what my next move should be. A Dexter move? “Nah, I’m not cut out for that crap,” I thought. So, I wrote a note and stuck it to his phone.

“You looked so peaceful so I decided not to wake you. I have a long day tomorrow so please don’t wake me when you leave. -Holly”

I then walked upstairs to my bedroom and locked the door.

To my surprise, he did not bother me when he left. However, I did have a text from him when I woke up the next afternoon.

“Hello gorgeous! Hope you slept well. How about dinner tonight?”

To this day, I have only sent one last response to the world’s biggest douche, ignoring all other attempts to ‘hang out’ or let him know if I was working…..

“I’m moving to Thailand so it is unnecessary to see each other ever again. Once I return from Thailand in three years time, my family and I are moving to Canada to be closer to our heritage. Hope you understand. –Cheers, Holly”