Johnson: so actually, he DIDNâT know that I knew Sweetie until, well, here let me show you.Â
you big fucking dork
fuck
text Johnson. ask for my number. Â
Holster jerks up so quickly that he hits his head against Ransomâs bed. he winces, rubbing circles into a tender spot on his skull. His mouth falls open when he rereads the answer. He feels his heart drop out of his chest.Â
Johnson.Â
Fucking John Johnson knows Sweetie.Â
Johnson who knows everyone and their mother (so not as surprising as it should be). But also this is Johnson, who plays with the Las Vegas Aces. Johnson who played a game against the Bruins last December when he couldâve dropped by Epikegster but didnât.Â
Holsterâs eyes widen as he remembers Epikegster: how much shit was going around online about Parse showing up out of nowhere. More importantly, he remembers the way Kent spoke and how it left such an impression on him.Â
Maybe he sometimes thinks that Sweetie knows too much about Kent. Or that they get a little too emotional when anyone tries to smack talk Jack, or Jeff Troy for that matter.Â
Jeff Troy, the liney and best friend of Kent Fucking Parson.Â
Holster closed mouth screams. Because he wasnât ready for this next shit. He was expecting maybe rejection or some casual chirp about coming off anon. Not that Holster wouldâve fessed up if Sweetie (Kent?) hadnât figured out it was him on their own.Â
Slowly, he gets out of bed. He paces the room, wringing his hands nervously. What is he even supposed to do with this information? What was there to do about finding out that one of his best friends could want him back? And that maybe whatever complex feelings he has for Sweetieâs interpretation of Kent arenât misplaced affection because Sweetie IS Kent.Â
Holster sighs. Well, at least he knows for sure thatâs heâs liked a grand total of three people in his life: Perry, Ransom...and now Sweetie. He keeps pacing. He glances up at Ransomâs bed, which is vacant because heâs staying at Marchâs tonight.Â
He needs advice, and he sure as fuck canât ask Perry right now. He heads downstairs, hopping someoneâs home. Maybe not Bitty; who knows what he might say about Holster having a multi-year crush on a person he MAY have met previously in real life?Â
Who the fuck was he kidding? How else would Sweetie know Johnson?Â
He creeps down the attic staircase gently. Cautious of waking up anyone already asleep. He spots Lardoâs door, half open with light flooding outward. He approaches slowly, knocking the door a few times before pushing it further open.Â
Lardoâs sitting in her beanbag chair, typing. âWhatâs up?â she asks absent minded.Â
âI think I fucked up,â he says.Â
âHow?â
âI think Iâm in love? Maybe?â
âWith who?âÂ
âKent Parson,â he confesses.Â
Lardoâs back tenses. Her head snaps up. âWhat?â
Holster runs a hand through his hair, he starts pacing. âI donât know. Itâs fucking confusing but we donât talk like friends ok? Weâre fucking domestic and supportive of each other. And maybe thatâs just what friends fucking do. But Iâve never seen you and thought âI would spend the rest of my life doing whatever to just be around her.â No offense.âÂ
âNone taken,â âbut maybe back up a little? How are you friends with him?â
âThem,â Holster corrects without thinking. He opens his mouth to take it back because the last thing he needs is to out--Â
âOk cool,â Lardo says nuetrally. âDuly noted. Now spill.âÂ
She gestures to the desk chair to her right. Holster reluctantly sits, knowing itâs more for Lardoâs sanity than anything. He starts from the beginning: being bored, his tbi and how he wanted somewhere to get his frustration out once he was cleared for screens, his unlikely friendship with a bnf who acted so completely different than what Holster was expecting, their closeness and the only times theyâve gotten into arguments (which has mostly been lately). He suck in a huge breath once heâs done.Â
Lardo nods thoughtfully the entire time, resting her chin in her hands.Â
âSo are you gonna call them?â
âI donât know,â he says.Â
âWhy not?âÂ
âItâs not the same when Sweetieâs more than just a url. Itâs real.â
âThey were always a real person,â Lardo reasons.Â
âYou know what I mean,â Holster grumbles.Â
Lardo sighs. âHolster, you wanted your ex? Well theyâre taken. You wanted Ransom? Well heâs taken. You wanted Kent Parson and Sweetie AND they happen to be the same person and want you back? Bro.âÂ
âYea, yea,â he says with resignation. âDonât get in the way of my own happiness. Got it.âÂ
âNot just that,â she says.Â
âThen what?â
âDonât chicken out because youâre scared.âÂ
Holster snorts. âScared of what?â
âYou tell me,â she says neutrally.Â
Holster stares at his hands. He remembers the first time he ever talked to Sweetie. They were arguing because Sweetie told them to stop being a dick with all the anon messages heâd been sending them. It wasnât the first time heâs hurt Sweetie without meaning to. He canât do that anymore, not to them.Â
âYou ever hear two sides of the same story?â he asks instead of answering.Â
âChyeah,â Lardo agrees.Â
âYou ever hear the second story and think âfuck, I had no clue. what the fuck am I supposed to do now?ââÂ
âWhat are you saying?âÂ
âIâm scarred that Iâll disappoint them at best,â he admits. âMaybe Iâll fuck them up more. I donât think--â
âHolster,â Lardo interupts. âYouâre getting worked up about shit that might not happen.â
âBut what if it does?â he demands.Â
âWhat if it doesnât?âÂ
His jaw goes slack. If he doesnât fuck Kent up--if he and Kent could just be happy? He sees Kentâs face, maybe itâs tomorrow or next month or five years from now, just smiling back at him.Â
Thatâs worth everything, he thinks.Â
Holster gets up, pulling his phone out of his back pocket. âIâll be back.â
âWhere are you going?â Lardo calls after him.Â
âI need to see a man about a sweetie,â Holster yells as he heads downstairs. He puts on a hoodie and pair of sneakers. He runs until he gets to the pond, finding a dry patch of grass to sit down on.Â
He stares at his phone again, the clock reads just after midnight. He might be too late...for talking tonight at least. But he has to try. He scrolls through his contacts, clicking on a J with a goalpost next to it.Â
Holster wheezes, wondering if excitement smells like sweat or maybe something soft and sweet. He wonders what water smells like, or Kent for that matter. He grins to himself as he clicks call. Maybe heâll have time to figure that out.Â
âHey Holtzy,â Johnson says after the second ring. âTook you long enough, man.âÂ
grape: if you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Ugh, if I could stay there forever, probably Seattle? Always wanted to live there. Great music scene, great vibe. Iâd probably get myself tatted out the wazoo.Â
or, uh, I think Iâd visit sweetie if theyâd let meÂ
*sighs because this is the one time I could use Snoopâs âthe internet is freeâ meme but this is my moment to shine* *âŠpulls up a couch and sits down*Â
Alright, goys, gather âround. Hereâs the skinny on Purim. Itâs about the events in the Book of Esther. Like most Jewish holidays, it starts with an antisemitic asshole.Â
This seasonâs model hails from 335 BCE Persia by the name of Haman. Back in those days, we were exiled by the BabyloniansâŠwho were taken over by the Persians. (Fertile Crescent politics, am I right?) Anyway, this dude was King Achashveroshâs advisor. He thought he was hot shit. Like if Beyonce had a baby with the literal sun, thatâs how hot he thought he was.Â
Dude wanted EVERYONE to bow at his feat right? Well first, thatâs kinda sacrilegious when your deity isnât this dude. Second, Haman was a huge dick and nobody got time for that. So while most people just complied, Mordecai, this swawesome Jewish dude was like âlol, nopeâ.Â
So Haman got really fucking butt hurt by that right? He decides âoh Iâm a little shit and I need to kill this guy because I feel embarrassed.â Not only that, he decided that ALL THE JEWISH PEOPLE should pay for him getting embarrassed one time.Â
Haman was a fuck boi, is what Iâm saying.Â
Haman goes and bitches to the king who gives him permission to do what he wants. He issues a pogrom (decree) saying that all the Jewish people will be wiped out on a single day. Good time to mention that Purimâs name comes from the word pur meaning lots. He drew lots (like pulled a name out of a hat? idk, it was random odds) to determine what that day would be. (It was the 14th of Adar, thatâs when you celebrate Purim but Iâm getting ahead of myself) His whole schtick with that was to say ha âwhereâs your God now? this is by chance and nothing will save you.âÂ
Real pretentious dick bag, is what Iâm saying. (I love hating on people, but you can see now why I fucking love booing Haman, right?)Â
MEANWHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN (kinda)Â
ok so two other SUPER MANDO IMPORTANT things happen while Haman is butt hurt over Mordecai and trying to plan our extermination.Â
1) The king had this huge feast (it went on for a while) and he wanted to parade his wife around like a trophy (yuck). So, the queen was a woman before her time and was like âfuck no, bitch.â And the king was like âlol, bye,â and had her executed (most holidaysâno matter where they originated, arenât PG jsyk). So then he still needed a queen (and dude was fucking king so people just rolled with that). He had all the beautiful women in the kingdom parade through his palace. The woman he chose was this swawesome, kickass Jewish woman named Esther. (Eh, see? When the protagonists name comes up in the title, you know youâre in for a good time)Â
And see, Esther is kind, beautiful, brave, and intelligent. But ya girl was also Mordecaiâs niece (who was an orphan, who he raised). THAT was the kingâs new queen.Â
2) MORDECAI FUCKING STOPPED AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON THE KING. He heard two guards conspiring against the kingâŠso he told EstherâŠwho told the king who had them hung (but yea, the day was saved). Haman didnât get recognition for it right away, but it was jotted down which is importante to remember.Â
Esther needs to do something about this shit as the queen, right? But, like, she KNOWS this dude Achashverosh is old and stuffy and could have her KILLED just for showing up in front of him without being summoned (dude had a real stick up his rod, apparently you could *only* come when he told you toâŠno innuendo intended).Â
Esther asks Mordecai âshould I go? is it worth it?â And Mordecai was like âwelp, if you donât do it, no one else can and then weâre fucked so, uh, no pressure.âÂ
So she goes, and she doesnât get killed and the kingâs like âwhat can I do for you babe?âÂ
And, because she wasnât a heathen, sheâs super polite and like âif it please you, Iâd like to invite you and Haman to a feast.âÂ
So the kingâs like âcool.â And they go to this feast and Achashverosh says âsweet, weâve eaten, now what? what can I do for you babe? Iâll give you ANYTHING you want, up to half my kingdom.â
Ester says âif it please the king, let the king and Haman come to another feast that Iâll prepare and I will answer your question then.âÂ
Continuing onâ
One night King Achashverosh has a hard time sleeping and heâs like âyou know whatâs boring af? The book of records.â He has a servant read it out loud to him but like the page this guy opens it up to *happens* to be on the page thatâs recorded Mordecai saying the king. So heâs like âservant, bro, we gave that guy a cool hundy right?â The servantâs like â*shrugs* havenât done jackshit for that bro.â Â
Achashverosh says âfuck that, thatâs shitty. Letâs fix this. Yo, Haman? What should I do for a dude thatâs swawesome shit and needs to be treated like that?â
Haman, being the narcissistic ass he was, thought this is one of those *my friend* convos where that *person* would turn out to be Haman. So he thought âwell, gotta treat yo selfâ and told the king to parade that person around in the kings robes and crown all over the city on horse back.
Achashverosh goes âcool, we gotta do that for Mordecai. Haman, do me a solid and take care of that.â
Which gets Haman SO PISSED OFF that he builds gallows to hang Mordecai.
So Ester has her second feast and the king asks again âwhat you want babe? Iâll give you anything up to half my kingdomâÂ
and Ester says âsoâŠIâm JewishâŠyour asshole advisor wants to kill me, my people, and my uncle Mordecai who saved your life. PerhapsâSTOP HIM? He built a fucking gallows to hang Mordecai.âÂ
King Achashverosh goes "aight, hang Haman on it instead.â
Then he wrote a decree that allowed all the Jewish people to fight back on the 14th day of Adar. So we lived to fight antisemitic assholes another days.Â
Purim is a p fun holiday about how nothing is completely random even if it doesnât make sense at first. (And also how the world is unworthy of Jewish women but thatâs just me)Â
Hey. I remember you said you had a tbi Rough. I used to work with families of people who had had tbi. I hope you were able to recover fully from yours and I am glad you don't play contact sports anymore (2x more likely to have a 2nd tbi after 1st one)
yea recovery took a long time. Itâs why I had to defer my frosh year of college. I had some speech problems and hearing loss that I had to work on and learn to cope with (I still stutter way too fucking often tbh). one of the reasons I like talking online, tbh, is I donât have to worry about auditory processing or anything.Â
Whenever I see your user name I think of that song "hold me closer, closer, let me go. Just let me be, just let me be" It's always been a big mood for me đž
scrambled egg sandwiches with a side of french toast (baker friend makes them really good. idfk how he does it? but theyâre magical and dripping in REAL Canadian maple syrup)
ok Iâm sober. Iâve done work on my group project.Â
here, chirp me because I found this in my phoneâs notes and I almost posted in while I was drunk the other night:
Lox. Does leating lox count?1 because I fucking love lox. BEST REASON to go to Hillel tbh fyiÂ
Now for my real sober answer
So on Purim we always do the Purimshpil which is a play about the Book of Esther (and, you know, Purim). Anyway, best part about Purimshpil? Booing Haman.Â
Funniest thing that ever happened while booing Haman? One time grumps and I convinced our friend group to put on Purimshpil and our friend J volunteered to be Haman. He and stoner bro have a really weird friendship? So Stoner bro got MEGA into booing him. He tripped and face planted multiple times AND lost his voice thatâs how much he was booingÂ
grumps said something later about never seeing anyone get that into Purim before.Â
Wait! You and bio boi used to drunk make out??? Oh baby! My heart breaks for you
yea, it wasnât just me pinning for years, it was like I thought this genuinely might happen someday and instead of getting with the program I got stuckÂ