So. I'm not even sure how to get into this.
These last couple months I've been receiving an influx of messages from people that I just don't know how to answer.
A couple weeks ago I answered an anon from someone expressing they had an unsavoury experience with Lucifer based on their approach. They asked Lucifer to have what I have and I guess he didn't respond well.
Since I answered that anon (and even before) I've received more messages of a similar nature, not even just here, on multiple platforms. Some are venting about him like an ex boyfriend, some are saying how jealous they feel towards me. All of them share the common theme of wanting me to be a relationship councillor for Lucifer. Like there's something I can just say that would make everything make sense or work out. Some ask me to speak to Lucifer on their behalf. Some ask me to say something to Lucifer that will somehow change how he behaves with them.
I made the decision not to answer most of these messages. Some of them were very intense, some stuck with me for days. Having strangers tell me that they hate seeing my posts because they make them feel jealous, that they feel suicidal because of my content, that Lucifer broke their heart, that I lead them astray by making them think Lucifer was nicer than he really is, that I should probably just stop... just sucks.
It sucks because of course my intent isn't to frame myself or my relationship as a template others can use to access "my Lucifer".
But it also sucks more so because I feel like these projections are almost entirely fabricated. It is a very romanticized version of a fantasy that doesn't exist in real life based on positive devotional posts and fluffy art. I "mythologize" and "narrative-ize" my relationship with Lucifer, but I am still a real person, not a character.
I want to say that the experiences I do share here are probably a good 10% of everything I have written. The vast majority of it stays in drafts. My deepest most intimate moments with him have never been shared here. This is a small sample. People accuse me of over sharing, I am actually extremely conservative when it comes to what I do post. Which means if you are trying to base whatever you're doing on my content, you are missing 90% of the context. These are highlights.
I have made an explicit point to not speak badly on Lucifer on this page. I don't post our arguments, I don't bitch about how he's currently annoying me. I don't like bad mouthing him to other people who might be working with him. He's still my Patron. I keep our issues between us to protect his image in the same way a mother refrains from arguing with her kid's dad in front of them. It's just not a good look.
I think because of that, people assume everything between us is sunshine and rainbows all the time. He must always be sweet and kind to me, so when he doesn't act sweet and kind to others they feel deceived.
I don't exactly know how to explain that Lord Lucifer can easily come off as an asshole to most. Don't get me wrong, Lucifer is sweet and kind to me on the regular. He rarely intends to be mean, but he is always extremely himself. With new initiates and people he hopes to work with, he can be very gentle and kind, and in general, he has good manners. But he is also Lucifer. Lucifer is defined by purely self directed will, meaning he does exactly what he wants when he wants to, and is not very concerned with sparing anyone's feelings while he's at it. He can be strict and extremely blunt. His opinion is law most of the time, sure he likes a debate, but always believes he's right at the end of the day. He can be very apathetic when he wants to be. He has a dark sense of humour with no social timing.
I observe Lucifer constantly, in his interactions with other spirits and mortals. The huge range in his temperament would make him seem very inconsistent and maybe even flaky with some people, but the truth is that he is extremely consistent in his selectivity. He has his own standards.
I've seen Lucifer break many hearts without batting an eye, I've seen him be very cold towards those he is uninterested in, even if they adore him. He isn't a bully, he’s just authentic to a point that is socially unacceptable. If his truth ruins your day, he doesn't see that as a moral failing on his part. He assumes your feelings are your own problem to manage.
He has bad friends, he drinks and likes to play games with people. He enjoys sex when he wants it.
I knew Lord Lucifer as the kind, light bringing, lover boy in the early stages of our relationship. I still see that sometimes, he will always be the Morning Star to me. But now I am extremely aware that Lucifer isn't a "good" guy. He's not a bad guy either, but he isn't exactly concerned with not being viewed as one from time to time. He's very comfortable being the bad guy in someone else's story. It is a defining characteristic of his story. He's perfectly fine letting people think he's the villain if it means he doesn't have to compromise his will.
So when I receive these messages from his exes, both mortal and spirit, and they say stuff like "I hate how he treats you so well but treats me like garbage, he's so cold towards me, he acts like such a dick",
I... believe that, and it doesn't necessarily surprise or bother me much. Not because I think he's mean, but because I know he is jarringly honest. I know he's a dick, and he certainly knows he's a dick. That's still part of the devil I love and deal with on the daily.
I would love to respond and say "oh no! That's not Lucifer, that's a trickster spirit! Lucifer would never do that!" But I simply do not know that. I suspect trickery in some of these situations, but I can also entertain the possibility where he would act like that.
The primary question everyone then has is, "why is he so nice to you, then? What makes you so special?"
And that question frustrates me. It assumes that Lucifer's affection is something that can be won. Like there's some choreography I can just give people that would make Lucifer act sweet and kind, like there's a "correct answer". "How do you make someone love you?"
It also assumes Lucifer is always sweet and kind and that none of his darker qualities reach me. That I don't also deal with cryptic messages and anger. Lucifer's trust in me only grew because I stayed throughout all of those threshold moments where others have jumped off of this crazy ride.
And it is a crazy ride, sometimes more crazy than any sane person could handle. Being Lucifer's vessel doesn't just mean he possesses me and gives me orgasms.
I find it so funny when people say they are jealous of what this is.
He wakes me up at 3am almost every single day. He gives me homework, real homework, the boring kind, and he expects that I do it. There are consequences for disobedience. Long mandatory reading lists and essays. Constant ritual planning. He is invasive, he decides when he wants me, it doesn't matter if I'm sleeping or shitting. Sometimes training takes all day, last week I had to actually call off work because he was still doing something with me. I have to schedule my week around him. I work with him every single day. He sometimes decides what I eat, when I need to sleep, how long I'm allowed to work. He tells me things about myself I don't want to know. He makes me cry often, not by being mean, but by being a fucking God. I have to explain my tattoos and rituals to people who think I am clinically insane. I have to deal with my boyfriend's family thinking I'm a freak. My own family has shunned me.
After the possession and the fluffiness, after the ritual is over and the God is satisfied, I am just a guy sitting alone in a room bleeding into a cup. There's no one there to tell me what I'm doing is good, real, or even matters. Lucifer isn't always standing there affirming that I'm not crazy. I deal with that doubt alone.
Every Friday is occupied. None of my thoughts, especially my thoughts about him, are private. Every sexual encounter with my partner is witnessed or shared by him.
I often see things he doesn't intend me to see because of our link, and those things sometimes hurt. I am frequently sidelined in my own astral trances, my magical identity is so deeply entangled with his to the point where other spirits see me as a literal extension of him. I'm told to sit and be quiet while the spirits talk to him, I am just his vessel, he is the main character. Many spirits despise me and make me very aware of it. Sometimes he's busy with others and doesn't have time for me, I have to share Lucifer, he has so many wives and partners. Sometimes I want connection and all he can offer is recognition. Multi hour long possessions exhaust me, and that's not even accounting for what happens when a possession fails. My waking life is devoted to him, and my dreaming world revolves around him. I literally cannot escape him. His name is carved into my skin. He has his own trauma that he brings to me that I have never spoken about. He cries and gets depressed. I get depressed. We argue with each other when there's no one else to fight. We both know things about each other we wish we didn't. I don't regret any of this, but there is also no going back.
I don't say any of this to imply that Lucifer is a shitty or abusive partner, father, master, possessor, or God. I would still say he treats me incredibly well and takes good care of me. Calling him "abusive" is like calling a storm "mean." He's just Lucifer, a force of nature, and I have accepted every part of that. He is difficult, and I am fucked up and weird in my own ways too, I would have to be to do this. He can call me his sweet boy while he cuts my chest open, and I will thank him for that. That is not a kind of "love" that most people want or could survive. Lucifer is beautiful and difficult.
I let my boyfriend read the draft of this post and he told me that I didn't have to go so far into detail about the specifics of these things, but I feel the need to thoroughly express the reality of what this is. If you want this, you need to understand what it actually is and stop pretending it’s something softer, safer, or more controllable than it is.
The primary defining quality of a successful vesselhood is perfect trust and deep faith, not necessarily love. Love is volatile. Trust is the real insulation. I have to trust Lucifer even when he makes me furious.
I was spirituality "raised" by angels. I spent years working with them before I ever approached Lucifer, I have angelic habits, I learned angelic discipline. Angels showed me what it looks like to have absolute faith in your God, Lucifer showed me what that feels like. I trust Lucifer with my entire soul because he owns it. My perseverance with him is built on a foundation of being trained by beings who do not always answer, and who are not easily accessible at all. Angels taught me how to maintain faith when the God is silent, "apathetic" or "busy." To humans, a lack of engagement can often feel like active malice. Quietness can feel cold. Do you show up the next day or not?
I feel incredibly blessed to have the relationship I have with him, but not lucky. Luck didn't give me this, I earned, or forged it with white knuckles all the way, every single day. I'm not saying that you should do that. I'm not saying anything about anyone other than myself and him.
About a year ago now, Lord Lucifer proposed that I become a high priest of his. I rejected him. I told him that I didn't want to be a public figure, I didn't want to be a mediator between him and his followers, I didn't want to do community service, I did not want any sort of spiritual authority. This was prior to me learning about vesselhood, and when I learned vesselhood was an option, I felt far more sure that was the route I wanted to go down. I didn't want my relationship with Lucifer to be custodial or exemplary, I actually wanted it to be the opposite. Deeply personal, specific, and self serving. I never wanted to be an extension of Lucifer in a public sense, I wanted to be an extension of Lucifer in a somatic sense. Vesselhood offered the privacy and intensity I was actually looking for.
This all sounds very ironic given my username and internet activity. I said I didn't want to be a priest but turned around and made a cult. I didn't want to feel obligated to share channeled messages or advice, I just continued sharing arbitrarily for documentation purposes, assuming that no one else was as interested in my doings as I was. I never really saw my sharing, even informational "advice" posts as a "service" to him. I just like doing that. This is my online space to share whatever I'm interested in, he just happened to be the main topic.
I've been told that my sharing is harmful to beginners because it sets up unrealistic expectations for what their relationship with him could or should be. I've always found that funny, the unrealistic expectations- because they are extremely unrealistic if you believe my life is actually a fairytale or something to be replicated. I don't take this position for granted at all, I know I'm having an extraordinary experience. But I also know I have sacrificed a great bit of my sanity to get here. As nice as the roses and wines may appear, there are genuinely difficult challenges here that aren't as glamorous as they seem.
Lucifer and I have been talking about this a lot lately. I asked him recently if he thinks it would be better if I kept to myself more. I personally believe my posting has had a tangible negative impact on his cult, if people are approaching him with unrealistic expectations that is directly my fault. He told me that other people's expectations are not my responsibility to carry- that my sincerity in my sharing is a gift to him, and that he accepts the burden of having to maybe explain himself a bit more, if it means my genuine account can continue to exist.
I like posting. I've been more hesitant to lately. Many of those messages felt that I personally owed them some sort of apology for creating these expectations. I created some kind of gateway and people who go through it keep getting hurt. One message in particular said "you don’t have to reply to this or tell him about me. But just keep in the back in your mind that he broke my heart and hurt me."
And I have kept it at the back of my mind. I wondered why they wanted me to carry that with me. Was that a warning, or a kind of revenge?
Keep this in the back of my mind for the future when Lucifer eventually discards me as he apparently discards everyone else?
Or keep this in my mind because it is the only quiet revenge they can inflict upon him- Lucifer- putting doubt in me. Hurting him through me, a curse disguised as a confession. Even if it isn't intentional, that baggage gets transferred to me, not just shared.
How do you respond to a stranger who thinks your personal joy is the cause of their personal misery? You can't. There is no logic that fixes a person who thinks your testimony is the reason they are starving. It’s a total breakdown of personal responsibility on their part that I am being asked to carry.
I love you guys, genuinely. I have made a lot of great friends and learned a whole lot from them here. But I at no point insinuated I was some kind of spiritual relationship therapist, I am not a priest. I don't even do readings for other people. I'm just a guy, I don't have all the answers for everything. I hate disappointing people, but I also hate being responsible for other people's mental health or expectations. It is deeply unfair to me. I like when people ask me questions, I decide to answer them, I am not obligated to, sometimes I'm not even able to.
People try to outsource their emotional regulation to me. They want me to do the work of censoring myself so they don't have to do the work of managing their envy, expectations, or desires. “Can you make your relationship smaller or less visible so I don’t feel this way?” Censoring myself would be a betrayal of the one entity I am actually obligated to.
I know this post is really long, but that's because this is the last time I will say this. This relationship is not a template. It is not a goal, and if you try to treat it like one without understanding its full weight, it will hurt you. Your reaction to my life is not my responsibility. Your expectations are not something I created or owe you solutions for. I will not diminish myself to make you more comfortable. I do not want to spend any more time talking about this on this page, and I probably won't be responding to any more messages I receive about this. Not because I don't care, I am compelled to answer all of these, and that's exactly why I shouldn't. I still need to take care of my own mental health.
I don't really know how to end this. Thanks for reading.
