How a Hyperfixation on a Musical Somehow Spiraled Into Actual Belief
When I was in college, I watched the musical Jesus Christ Superstar for the first time. After that single watch, my brain somehow decided to latch onto this musical entirely. For about a year, I watched at least one new production of Jesus Christ Superstar a week.
Out of this hyperfixation grew a general interest in religion. Specifically, I was most intrigued by works often considered heretical or controversial to most Christians. Really, I mainly wanted to see Judas Iscariot in different interpretations.
I've read The Last Temptation of Christ, Corpus Christi (ft gay Jesus), The Last Days of Judas Iscariot, Saint Young Men, a decent chunk of nonfiction, and a lot more. Over the course of a few years, I've gone to several different denominations of Christian churches, and even one Buddhist service. I went as far as attending RCIA (Catholic initiation) classes. (Though I never completed them, mainly as I felt guilty for participating as a complete nonbeliever).
None of these experiences in any way created a spark of belief in my mind. I felt like the religious perspective still eluded me in some way, though I did want understand it. Unlike the large majority of Americans, I did not grow up within the Christian church, despite living in a small, very Christian town. I can truthfully say my family raised me to be agnostic and distrusting of religion.
So! What changed ???
A few months ago, I was struggling greatly with my mental health. A series of major events in my personal life, combined with depression, OCD, and burnout had put me in one of my lowest mental health points in a long time. I did not want to live where I was at, and had been advocating at my job for over a year for the ability to move.
For whatever reason, I think out of pure desperation, I did end up praying. I asked for some sign that I would be able to move. Any kind of a sign that would be so obvious, even I would be able to notice and couldn't misinterpret.
As soon as I'd finished the thought, a pigeon came and sat on my windowsill.
Listen!! I know that sounds unremarkable! But I have never before have a seen a pigeon anywhere near my apartment. Moreover, never have I seen any birds near my apartment.
So I took that as my sign, and I used that little bit of hope to buoy myself for a while. I started praying and latching myself onto this happenstance. As it got closer to when I would again talk to my boss one-on-one about moving, I realized a denial to my request wouldn't just mean staying where I was at, but it would also be crushing that tiny mustard seed of faith I'd finally managed to cultivate.
The other day, I did get that confirmation that I could move.
I find myself now in the uncomfortable position of becoming that person that my family has always made fun of. The one that swears up and down that they saw some sort of message or miracle from God. Certainly, you can point out that it very well could be a fortunate coincidence, or that human brains are excellent at making connections between unrelated pieces of data. A part of me would be inclined to agree with you!
For me, having lived it, I feel like I was given the only thing that could've actually convinced me. I never would have asked for help if I had not been in that place, had I not gone down a rabbit hole exploring and reckoning with theology, or had that pigeon not appeared.
So... uh. Hi, Christian side of tumblr! Please help this baby deer of a Christian find her legs. I've read so much, but I really don't know what I'm doing! And I would love to meet some people! Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated :)
