Honest Thoughts

By Yasmine

[honestlyloveyaz]

I bought Brussels sprouts and adobo and I thought of you.

I never would of bought it, if it hadn’t known you.

We used to talk everyday now the silence is so loud

That sometimes I write things down so I don’t text you.

I don’t mean to be a bad chapter, one full of hurt instead of laughter.

I tried to love the best I knew how, I’m sorry this is how it worked out.

But, I bought Brussels sprouts last night and I cooked them up the way you liked.

Something about it felt like home, but you’re a stranger that I don’t really know.

I’ll carry the version of you that I love inside my heart all locked up.

I know, deep down, that loving someone never really fades away.

So I’ll remember you in moments when music is flowing, when I see a cute dog, and I hear Jo koy on the television.

[honestlyloveyaz]

Honestly today we tackled a problem together like adults. Staying levelheaded we agreed on calling family meetings when we feel disconnected. Ones that start with “I love you” and end with “I’m on your team”. One United front me and you. You’re everything I could want in a person.

[honestlyloveyaz]

The wreckage after an accident is forever something that will catch my eye. Staring at something so profoundly labeled as trauma for another person. Sometimes you can see exactly how it shattered.

Our love shattering feels like an accident on the side of the highway. A six car pileup with glass everywhere, chaos, and broken people.

In a breakup there’s this notion that there’s one half who left and the one half who got left. I think this doesn’t properly account for the part of me still left at the crash site. The shattered remnants of our love still boxed up on the balcony, frozen in time.

The most important things from my past life now collecting dust.

I made the mistake of reading old messages… as far along as you think you are; it will never stop hurting. The sting of lost love will never truly stop being felt. I wonder if you have any idea how much I miss you, how hard it was to leave, how it took months to stop crying, how I convince myself every night not to check up on you. I fucking miss you and I hope you’re doing well.

[honestlyloveyaz]

Sometimes I wonder where my tribe is

Where are my people. My group of friends that get me. Everyone seems to have that group..

[honestlyloveyaz]

Crying in the shower x

It’s been 5 months and 10 days since we got married. It feels like you’ve known me forever.

Today my cramps were killing me. You took care of all our meals, the dishes, my meds, making sure I had everything I need.

I kept apologizing for moaning in pain and you were genuinely confused why I was apologizing.

I could feel tears coming on and decided to go take a hot shower. Halfway through I sat on the floor, crying silently, and holding the water to my tummy to ease the pain. I called your name once, you heard me and came in.

“Baby are you okay?”

“Baby this is going to sound weird but I need help washing my hair. I’m in a lot of pain and I can’t move can you please come in?”

There was no hesitation. In moments you had taken off your clothes and sat behind me ready to do whatever I needed. I couldn’t help but look away and smile. You keep giving me moments of pure bliss and love. I couldn’t help but get emotional. You made me laugh but making salon jokes and the heaviness in my chest and the pain in my stomach eased.

You always follow me after I put away the hair dryer because you know I get bored drying my hair after 5 minutes. You always follow me to where I am and dry the rest. The little moments we share like you immediately knowing when to get me socks, the glances of love, the safety of knowing each other’s hearts. That stability is beautiful and I feel so blessed to be loved by you.

[honestlyloveyaz]

2•14•23

Honestly,

My heart feels a little bit like it’s in whiplash. I’m trying to remind myself of my growth but sometimes I feel like that same girl.. the one who allowed herself to cross so many boundaries just to feel “love”. The one who let impulsive anger take away what she was truly trying to say. I wish I listened more. But see then I realize I miss the parts of us that weren’t us the last few years. Before the changes. When boba and music was all that mattered. Sometimes I find myself thinking of how my life has changed and I catch myself smiling at the past and the future.

I have been blessed to know love. Passionate and destructive but still real. And now I am in an era of peace.. of making us breakfast, me cooking and you cleaning, you roll the Js and make me one just the way I like it, we binge watch movies and laugh like idiots. It’s so natural and yet it’s not the same. Not the same inside jokes or the same feelings. Not the same dynamic or same season. So much has changed but I am still me, building new personas and reminding myself I’m free.

He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t make me worry. We haven’t argued or fought.. it’s peaceful.

Sometimes I miss the chaos.. the passion.. the fire.. but then I remember how burned I got and gladly settle back into my surroundings.

My brain is so used to thinking of you, I feel like I’m rewriting circuits to get this right. Questioning every thought and it’s origin.

Love makes us do crazy things but I know better now. I will yell “cut” on our story in my mind.. I already know how it plays out.

It’s my turn to be happy where I am.

Honestly, this valentines was perfect.

We laughed, his gifts were sentimental and so thoughtful, we made breakfast and binge watched and we fell into the silent hum of our routine.

Thank you for not only treating me like a lady, but also as a wife. A priority. A number one. It means more than you know.

Honestly, Yaz

[honestlyloveyaz]

Honestly..

Being in love with you feels like flying. All I’ve ever known is falling but you.. you hold my wings under my arms in my dreams and guide me to the best I can be. I am blessed to be yours

[honestlyloveyaz]

“To love and be loved, what a brave and beautiful thing.” -Y.A

[honestlyloveyaz]

1/3/23

It’s been two weeks since we tied that knot and I couldn’t be happier. We spent New Years and Christmas with my family and I was overflowing with love. We get along insanely well and our chemistry is undeniable. I’m happy to be living closer to family.

I promised myself this year I would stop letting guilt and negative self thoughts be in the drivers seat. The past is in the past and it’s time to move forward.

Wishing your past was different does nothing but take away from the present moment

That’s why I’m choosing to focus on the positives and the facts:

This is the first year, the holidays feel like I am aligned and where I truly belong. (Minus the fact that some of my family wasn’t here)

I spent the holidays snuggled into my new husbands arms and watching shows with hot chocolate.

We cook together and clean together. He treats me like a princess.

We have inside jokes and cute moments only we understand. I found my forever best friend🧡 2023 be good to us

[honestlyloveyaz]

We got married yesterday. I’m so excited for this chapter with you. 12•17•22

[honestlyloveyaz]

We had our first gathering at our home yesterday. We ran around getting cheese and chips and you were by my side the whole time. I had moments just staring at you thanking god you’re mine.

I cuddled into your side while we watched a movie but that wasn’t even my favorite part. My favorite part was when I got mad and sat on the bathroom floor, upset with the world and things that didn’t seem fair.

You didn’t yell or scream or get angry.. instead you got down to my level- sat with me- grabbed my face and let me vent it out. You stared at me with kind gentle brown eyes and didn’t make me feel silly for being upset.

You validate my feelings. You love me in a way that feels so right to me.

I thank God for you every single day baby

12.19.22 - greeting guests with you 💕

[honestlyloveyaz]

I love that you do arts and crafts with me

I love that I catch you staring when I’m just walking in the grocery store

I love that we pick out pumpkins in October and make plans to go on dates every month.

I love that three months feels like forever and we are already so comfortable

[honestlyloveyaz]

Honestly.. sometimes I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s that addicting feeling of going up right before the drop in the rollercoaster… excitement and anxiety bubbling in your stomach. I keep waiting for you to drop me.. but you just comfort me gently and brush my hair. You plant kisses on my cheeks while I study and always feed me whatever you’re eating. You Are So Good. Loving you feels so right and I am blissfully happy in your arms.

If there is a drop, I think I would still just be happy to have experienced this kind of gentle love. One careful with its words and my heart. One understanding and funny and the perfect match for my personality.

I hope everyone gets to experience this kind of unconditional love: the feeling of “if I paused this moment and lived here for the rest of my life. I would be happy.” I had that moment on our couch, watching Tv, smoking and laughing in each other’s arms. I feel warm next to you, everything inside me heats up.

You brushed my hair today…and blow dried it after my bath. we drank our morning coffee and talked about how hair brushing always used to calm me down. We talked about money and what lessons we would want our kids to know. You said I’d make an amazing mom.. I believe we will make an amazing team.

I appreciate your intimacy. Your long gazed into my eyes. Your pinching my cheeks when you find it too cute. You make me feel like a child. You remind me I’m safe and you prove it.

Honestly, I can’t wait to marry you.

10/17/22

[honestlyloveyaz]

10/9/22

I spent the night in your arms at our house. Loved up and cuddled into you. You’re so kind to my heart… so gentle to my soul. You hold me so beautifully. We wrapped up into each other as I read my book and the stares from across the rooms made me smile.

You look at me doing simple things like I’m doing something amazing.

You make my ordinary feel extraordinary

I love you for that and for so many other things. For making me laugh, for all the little things you do and how you are. I love you

[honestlyloveyaz]

The first Sunday in October 🍂

We spent it together. You came over and I was still on step one of my makeup🙈 You called me beautiful and looked at me the same way you do when I’m all done up. I don’t think I’ve ever told you how beautiful that makes me feel.

You came in for a hug and tightened your arms around my waist. You kissed me and my laughter filled my bedroom.

I love life with you. You helped me pick what colors for makeup and took my hand and led me to the balcony.

We wtarted the day with a J and a whole bunch of laughter. We drank coffee black and talked about castles in the village we call home being foreign to us.

We had breakfast with mom and drank our coffee until we were wide awake. I couldn’t help but look over at you and smile.. still can’t believe the chemistry between us.

We got ready to leave and said bye to mom. Your eyes followed me to the door. You grabbed my stuff and led the way you the trunk. I love you for always being one step ahead.

I met you in the trunk and we both put our foreheads together and smiled. “Are you down to cancel plans and sit at home?” I asked, feeling way too high.

Your eyes screamed I love you as your mouth said yes and we got in the car. Your arms found their way around my shoulder and I breathed in your scent. You intoxicate me.

We went home where the sun was shining and found ourselves tangled on our couch. I went to the restroom for 5 minutes and you had cleaned up and put away all our groceries. Moments like that make me feel so loved. You’re not the type to leave things all on me.

We made breakfast in our house for the first time today. As I chopped veggies you insisted on helping, putting away clean dishes and kissing my shoulders and cheeks every time you passed me.

I feel like so loved with you. You truly light me up. The way you love me is so beautiful it leaves no room for my doubts. You put the so much butter in the pan and we make a joke about getting old and having cholesterol. I don’t think you know how much I want to spend this life with you and grow old in your arms.

You said it was the best breakfast you ever had. we made love and smoked weed and fell deeper in love.

I was stuck doing homework and you fed me peach rings and made me warm coffee. Thank you for restoring my faith in love.

October be good to us🧡

[honestlyloveyaz]

Honestly,

Watching you make my mom laugh as I put dinner in the oven makes me fall in love with you just a little more.. okay a lot more

[honestlyloveyaz]

Confession from the girl whose falling x

We had one of those Sundays you see in movies. The one where the sun hits just right and you see all the colors of your lovers eyes. The kind of day when even the ocean with its vastness feels peaceful. We had a Sunday full of laughter and inside jokes. I keep having moments where I realize I’m falling so fast for you. I catch myself smiling at the way you fidget when we are watching a suspenseful part of the show. How your brown eyes go wide and your fingers begun twisting the hair on your chin. I love the moment when you catch me staring and for a split second I see the redness color your cheeks and your eyes look down. Shy is so cute on you. You’re such a gentle soul.. you didn’t push me into falling.. I just keep falling. Today you played with my hair until I fell asleep. You got up so carefully and kissed me before you left, you grabbed a blanket and made sure I was warm before starting the laundry. You’re perfect.. you’re so kind and so sweet and so loving. You woke me up with soft whispers and lead my sleepy self to the couch. I love you. With all my heart. But that doesn’t even begin to cover you. I love you with everything I am and everything I will be. I love you in this moment and I choose you in all the rest. You are one my heart feels safe with. It’s always been you.

Honestly,

Yaz

(I’m a sap)