day in the life...

look into the wild world that is her life

[honestlymadeleine]

Quarantine Chop - a poem

Tobacco in a natural state Humid Crinkly, crackly, slowly burning Birds chirp amongst themselves on a barbed fence A green layer ground New format mortar and pestle Tobacco in an ashen state

[honestlymadeleine]

Corona Pandemic Poems

Her favourite alcoholic beverage, with lime An infectious disease caused by a new virus Terrorizing the towers of our government A crown that is heaven sent A moment frozen in time

First hitting the states in 1981, Corona Extra has become the fastest growing imported beer in the country’s history Corona light Corona premier Corona (non) familiar The next place she will live

First hitting the states in January 2020, Corona Virus has become a slow motion disaster - An American Catastrophe has animated this country’s history National Emergency Nationwide lockdown No Vaccine The next virus that spreads

168.600 city population east of L.A. Lemon capital of the world 1886 So many 6s and 8s but where’s 7? Is it off eating 9? Toxic 9 COVID - 19

A new recipe Ingredients: Initial flu like symptoms - such as, but not limited to Fever, coughing, breathing difficulties, fatigue, and myalgia Human - to - human contact Then incubate 1 - 14 days Transmit via respiratory droplets Origin: Wuhan, Hubei, China

Meanwhile, her new recipe Ingredients: A mariposa grove in your stomach, weak knees, difficulty breathing, constantly blushing Human - to - human contact In bed 1 - 12 days, return Transit via Toyota, Camry Origin: San Luis Obispo, CA, USA

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention admit* 68.440 cases A novel virus 994…pages, I mean times - Death has touched the US We were not prepared “Every six days that the country did not test” Every six days we did not rest “Every six days it did not act” Every six days we began to contract and - the number of infected Americans doubled

“To cherish our past, To plan our future” Citrus orchards, ranches, and dairy farms The circle city: the crown, the light, the gold While the death toll rises, she’ll be well on her way The yellow brick road lined by California poppies A novel start, a musical — Here we are now, entertain us I feel stupid and contagious

[honestlymadeleine]

March 26, 2020

It has been awhile. She hasn’t written in about a month and much has changed. Corona Virus or covid-19 has run wild all over the world. It is a flu pandemic. She stopped working two weeks ago. All the major cities have been shut down. It is something out of a sci-fi novel. Streets are empty, businesses closed, the government failing us - people are hoarding cleaning supplies, masks, and toilet paper. It is a weird time to be alive. Meanwhile, she is moving again. Third time this year, second state, and the first time she’ll be living in SoCal. She is excited - nervous and scared - but excited, none the less. She has never lived south of San Luis Obispo, visited many times though. She hasn’t been to where she’s moving, it’s kind of like the desert she guesses. She really hates hot weather. This will be an interesting move. It always is. She has absolutely no idea what to expect. She is moving in with him and she knows it will be great, just a big adjustment. They cancelled all his classes and all the schools and non-essential work are closed, so it will be them - once again.

[honestlymadeleine]

March 1, 2020 (1:20 AM)

She hasn’t written in a long time. She got a job. Working at J Crew in Seattle. She is making ends meet. She needs to save though. Saving has been on her mind - because it will lead to her future with him. She can’t wait. She fantasizes about it all. Waking up next to him. Holding him when he has nightmares. Making breakfast together, or at least coffee - that’s more her style. Every day she falls in love. She wants the little things together: being sick, doing dishes, movie nights, dancing, and lots and lots of loving. She knows deep in heart that he is her forever person. So no, she is not scared. Not one bit. This will beat time. It will exist, but so much more. Everything in between. They will have it all. Together they can do anything. Together they have the world in their hands.

[honestlymadeleine]

He was perfect in the ways that were right for her.

[honestlymadeleine]

February 6, 2020 (3:00 AM)

Today was not her best day. She was hurting. Hurting because she missed him so damn much. Torn between panic and sadness she called him. He comforted her - could he be more perfect? She is strong, but that doesn’t mean she won’t have weak moments. He is strong though, he is strong for her. She sees that. She sees everything he does for her. She worships his every move. He is her king. She was hurting so bad, like a little girl - and like a little girl she curled up in her bed with her stuffed animals in the dark and hurt by herself. He called. He could see her, see she was in pain - and you know what he did? He read to her. Just like her dad used to do every night before she fell asleep. He comforted her. He was there for her. He read her poems. She began to relax. She let go of the pain and listened to his beautiful voice. He went on and on. With each word she let her thoughts go, relax. He helps her. He continuously looks out for her, for her feelings. He would never hurt her, just love her and she - because of this, and so much more, loves him too. They stayed on the phone for hours. He kept her company until she drifted off into sleep on the clouds of comfort supplied by his words. She doesn’t need anything else, as long as she has him. She loves him. He stayed up until he knew she was asleep. He hung up the phone and messaged her the three most important words “I love you”. She will never forget this, she loves him too.

[honestlymadeleine]

February 4, 2020

She left. She had to leave him - one of the hardest decisions she has had to make. She could have stayed, been miserable, but stayed - for him. She didn’t though. In that moment she grew up. She changed. He changed. They grew. They looked forward into the future as adults and saw what was really right. The true, right, thing to do. As she pulled away she sobbed. She would miss his soft touch, the taste of his sweet kisses, everything. She knew though, she knew she wasn’t losing him. They would grow closer. Although they are now 996 miles apart, they are happier than ever. They cleaned up their life - to be better together. “Better you, better me, better us, better life” - they repeat this to each other to remind themselves that they are strong individually - but always better together. Life will always be better together. From here on out they are a team. Together against the world. They are brilliant souls who found each other in the darkest of times. They truly saw each other - looked deep into each other’s eyes - and promised that together life would be good. After lives of deep rooted sadness - they are finally happy. They talk about it. What it means to be happy, how it feels. How weird it is to love, and to be loved in return. It is like looking in a mirror. However she sees something new. She sees love. She has finally found it. She knows what love feels like, now she can apply it to other areas of her life - like learning to love herself. She has stopped her bad habits (mostly). She is taking care of herself - because for once, she believes she deserves it. She always knew she deserved better than what she was receiving from the universe, but she couldn’t do it without applied love. Once she found him, everything became clear. She had reason, purpose, strength - all these things she had in her toolbox - she was just missing the instruction manual. He was her instructions to life. It seems so simple, but she really just needed to love - and be loved in return. It unlocked her life - and for that, for him, she will be eternally grateful.

[honestlymadeleine]

January 30, 2020

She leaves in the mid-afternoon. He has class early in the morning. They stayed up all night together. The last night. Well, at least until next time - which should be soon - because she can’t stay away. She will be waiting. Waiting for the next time she can feel his hand in hers. She is melancholy, but elated. It will be good. This will be good. After thinking everything was bullshit for so long, she finally believes in something. She won’t let go. She doesn’t want to leave, but she has to. She has to go start her life - for her. Finally do something for her. Everyone is worried about her, especially mama. They all think she’s crazy - “how could you be in love with someone you have only known for five days” - they all say. She has got this though. She has never felt more confident about anything - this is why she is so confused - nothing has ever felt like this before. It is all new and she is learning how to navigate it - but she won’t be alone, they are going to do this together. Finally, she has a teammate that can play her game - someone who is on the same page - a partner. This is all she could ever ask for - some one who understands. Someone she doesn’t have to explain things to - who just gets her. She didn’t expect this, it was out of the blue, and terrible timing. However, she is willing to put her heart on the line - one last time - for him. He is so special, he has changed her life, and they both deserve a chance. Love has finally hit, and it hit hard. She would do anything to make sure that this works - in a healthy way. She wants to make it different. She has learned from her mistakes. She loves him. She just knows it, and it can not be explained. She wants to grow, and she wants him to grow - but they can grow together. Together but separate, both helping to make each other stronger and better people. She believes this so much that it almost hurts, but then it doesn’t. It doesn’t hurt anymore - nothing does. She feels healed. Different. Everything has changed.

[honestlymadeleine]

January 27, 2020

She feels hot. Embarrassed, almost angry. She got that pit in her stomach that won’t go away. You know, the dropping sensation - the one you get from roller coasters. She wants him to believe her. Know that it’s real. She doesn’t want him to doubt her or her feelings. She feels uncomfortable too. Her minds going a million miles a minute. She doesn’t know how to handle what is happening, but she’s really trying her best. This is different. This is worth it. This is scary as fucking hell - but she’s not going to let him go. She is worried. Scared she’ll be made a fool. Falling in love just to be broken again - but she won’t let go. At this point she can’t. She won’t be broken again. She is in love already. It’s too late - she’s in it 100%. However she worries, is he? He’s young, mature for his age, but still young. He hasn’t had the same life lessons. He doesn’t know. She believes it will work - he is scared. She is scared - but she believes. She wants to…she wants to believe that love will actually work. That it exists and is within her grasp. She wants it more than anything - that’s what she believes.

[honestlymadeleine]

A poem about a boy

he is new

brand new

slightly damaged

rough edges

cannot be caged

structured but free

educated but not arrogant

interesting but not challenging

smart but not condescending

black and white covers his body

a sight to be seen

my eyes were uncovered, now i’m having dreams

racing thoughts and feelings 

things i cannot explain

what is happening to me

my palms are sweaty

he makes me blush

i’ve lost all control

sign me up.

[honestlymadeleine]

January 26, 2020

She met someone. Someone different. Two toned, two-sided, bipolar. It’s her match. He is hard like she is, but he is also soft. She seen him. She has really looked into his eyes. It is a lot but she wants it - more than anything. She has to leave and she is scared, but good things are to come. She can feel it. He’s modest, likes tea, and more importantly - still writes in pencil. He’s tall, thin, sprinkled with tattoos. Just the things she likes. He gets along with her friends. She is proud to be on his arm. She chose well, and she chose him herself. She picked him out - first, in a crowd - then later in the coffee shop. She was enamored. Taken. Immediately unsure of where this new love would take her. She spinning trying to make sense of it all. She’s lost all control. She can’t say no, and she especially, can not stay away. She has committed herself to this human - this beautiful and brilliant fucking human. Probably with no sense in her last standing braincells - but she knows. She knew from the beginning. She wants him. Just the truest form of him - and she’s gonna go after it - whatever it takes. After him. He, in turn, will go after her. They will have the most beautiful time together - times together. She can’t stick around, but she doesn’t have to ever leave. In the heart one will keep the other, and it will work. For the first time it will work - and she believes this. For the first time in a while she believes in something - and that something starts with herself. She has found it. Finally, at last. Her person. The match to her cigarette. The other half. She is not letting go, not this time.

[honestlymadeleine]

January 22, 2020

She is going crazy. Partying her face off before she goes to fake rehab. She’s out of meds. She’s been extra bummed out. Probably a combination of alcohol, drugs, and no meds. She thinks she’s having fun, but she’s just trying to bury her sadness. She has nightmares every night so she tries not to sleep. She’s been going on dates to make herself feel better. It doesn’t really help. Nothing does. She won’t be happy until she is doing what she wants – and this is not what she wants. She hasn’t written in a while because she can’t face herself. She doesn’t have much to say – and if she does it’s sad – so she keeps things to herself these days. Her deep dark secrets are getting deeper. Everything’s cutting deeper. She has surface wounds but that is only on the surface. She is hiding so much from the world – pretending everything’s okay. She wonders about so many irrelevant things that actually have nothing to do with her life or her wellbeing. She hopes her life will be revealed to her in the coming months. She wants different things. This is not her life. This is not who she is. She is better, smarter. She can do more.

[honestlymadeleine]

January 10, 2020

She’s moving up. She’s getting her life together and she feels so good about it. Moving home is going to be a big change, but she is finally excited. She finally feels like her feet are back under her. No more running around, no more being sad. Only good vibes and good times. She is going to spend the rest of her time here with her friends. She needs good times. She deserves good times. She is ready to grow up. Make some big changes and get back on track. Today is a good day - but let’s hope it lasts.

[honestlymadeleine]

January 5, 2020

She is trying to get her life together…I mean hey, she hasn’t drank in like 5 days. New year going strong. She really is trying. Other people judge her so harshly. She’s just trying to stay afloat in this wild wild world. Going home is her only option of surviving. At this point, she’s tried everything. Every place she goes her demons follow. She isn’t trying to run away anymore, she wants to face them. She wants to stand up to all the things wrong with her. She wants help. She’s tired of living the same hell over and over again. She finally sees she can help herself. She is going home for a purpose. No more bullshit. She’s gonna help herself this time.

[honestlymadeleine]

January 4, 2020

He hurts her over and over again. Once he started he never stopped. She loved him. Loves him. She can’t get him out of her head. He occupies her mind time after time with all the things he did - all the things he said. She is skipping town. Leaving the state. He refuses to see her. She is hurt by this. Really hurt. It’s her last  chance to see him before she leaves forever. She doesn’t think she can make things right - she just wants one last goodbye. She texted him to figure things out, and he refuses her. She wants this so bad. More than anything.

[honestlymadeleine]

January 3, 2020 (NAP TIME)

She wakes up suddenly. She went for a nap and slept for hours. She is exhausted and stressed out. She woke up suddenly, in the dark. When she went to sleep it was still light out. She wakes up in a panic, but doesn’t understand why. She smokes a cigarette and grabs her computer to write about it. She thinks back to her childhood. She was raised in the Catholic Church. She learned many lessons there. The difference between good and bad. Her morals align like a jagged edge. She sees controversy. Not everything she does is because she is catholic - and its not the catholic guilt that keeps her from doing things. She does them out of the goodness of her heart. It’s because she’s not doing anything, she feels guilty. She needs a job where she can help. She wants to be the star of her own life - but she does not take care of herself. How can she expect to be the hero if she can’t take care of herself.

[honestlymadeleine]

January 3, 2020

Today is the third of January. It is the New Year. She begins to wonder about her life. What will 2020 bring her? What will she bring to 2020? She is late to the game, but she is also beginning to think this will be her year. She can no longer let her past define her. She needs to break free - take care of herself. She feels really lonely, like she needs a hug, but right now she has no one to hug her. She tried calling her girlfriends but they did not answer. She chooses to write - write it all down - her feelings, her wishes, her visions, and her dreams for 2020. She realises she needs to love herself so that she can be loved. After all - all she’s ever wanted was to be loved, unconditionally. All she ever does is think of others - but now, she thinks of herself.