Summary: Reader feels invisible around the Pogues.
Warnings: Crying, feeling strongly excluded, comfort, mention of disease, etc.
Note: I know this wasn’t part of my “Future Stories” post, but it’s been a side story for too long so I decided to post it! Hope you like it!
“I’m tellin’ ya, pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza, that’s uh,” Pope chuckled at the silly conversation of debate whether the topping belongs on the delicious food or not before finishing his sentence, “the end of discussion. Debate closed.”
The whole room was still trying to wear off its laughter, a few people still going off in a fit before calming down again.
The girl was laughing too, just a lot softer and less full of….what’s the word….happiness.
Most of the time she didn’t know what the jokes were about, or the little references they would whisper to each other were on the topic of. It didn’t help the fact that she was sitting away from the majority of the group, the one sitter arm chair away from the couch they crowded.
She still remembers the encounter of them practically pushing her away from the group, forcing her to sit on the chair alone. She had walked in with them, all of them still laughing at some joke JJ said but of course she couldn’t get a word in on what he spoke at all, for she was always in the back of the group anyhow. The friends had walked in the house, one by one plopping on the couch or on the floor in front of it, so there wasn’t a single little space for her to squeeze in.
If she thought back deeper and shut her eyes, she could still feel the stare they laid upon her, waiting to see her point of action towards the matter. It was almost like they didn’t like her, like if she went near one of the particular that very person would be the unlucky girl or boy to have to deal with her for the rest of the hang out.
So yeah, her cheeks flushed deep red as she stumbled over crossed legs and ankles towards the back of the room, muttering soft pathetic apologies before sitting in the very chair she is sitting in now.
Now it wasn’t so bad, just that she was in the back, meaning all she could see were backs of heads and once in a while profiles. So the bit of participation she wished she had was no longer available, so now she was sitting in the chair, her legs crossed apple sauce style so they wouldn’t accidentally kick someone.
JJ was so close. So close that all she had to do in order to talk to him was tap him on the shoulder. He would turn around and talk to her and smile, giving her one of those blue eye sparkles. Maybe then she’d-
If she kept thinking like this she’d never be able to participate in the conversation. So she forced out a chuckle, trying to ease herself in.
Maybe she could squeeze her own voice in with all the others? If there’s room for them there has to be room for her too, right?
“One time I went to a pizza shop and-“
Her voice dyed out, the response being absolutely nothing. No eye contact, no expression change, not even a glance from anyone, almost like they didn’t even hear her.
She was speaking loud enough, the same volume of everyone else, but she also didn’t want to talk over the whole group just for a grab of attention.
So the conversation she wasn’t included in continued, someone else’s voice covering hers.
That someone else being Kiera, who of course everyone has to pay attention to. “Yeah, I agree, no more pineapple on pizza talk, maybe we should get actual pizza.” She suggested, and everyone loved the sound of that.
So did she, her stomach being the other thing she was thinking about besides the fact she wasn’t being included. She got up with the others, heading out the door behind JJ.
If she just tapped him on the shoulder-
He closed the door. Maybe he didn’t see her, since there was a corner to go around before exiting the house, but he didn’t forget about her, right?
She stared at the closed door, the past events causing small tears to arise in her eyes.
She can’t cry just because someone closed the door in her face. It was such a small thing, a small action of a mistake he might’ve made. She almost expected him to come back, staring at the handle to see if it would twist, awaiting his face to pop in and apologize for the little thing he did.
She took a sharp breath in, reaching forward for the handle herself and leaving the house.
The group was outside piling into the Twinkie, talking about. She went to the side door too, hoping she could squeeze in somewhere.
But all the seats were full, and all the pitiful eyes were on her.
“Oh, there’s no room. Maybe you could drive in your car and meet us there?” Sarah suggested, and it was the first time that day they spoke directly to her. And it should’ve been something she enjoyed, like a little invitation to join the conversation or an offer to squeeze next to someone, them willing to be a little bit uncomfortable just so she could join.
But it was something she wished didn’t happen, because why did she even go to the side of the car in the first place? Did she really think there would be room for her?
“Or someone could squeeze over..?” Sarah trailed off, looking over at the rooms of people, and the girl couldn’t help but notice how John B moved closer to the edge with the window, covering a small space. Her heart broke.
“Or ya could sit on my lap, Princess.” She heard JJ chuckle, and she glanced at him, her broken little heart believing him for a second, her cheeks softly flushing, before realizing it was a joke. Some people laughed, Kie smacking JJ on the arm but there was a smirk on her lips.
The girl cleared her throat awkwardly, fiddling with her hands, all eyes still on her.
“Yeah, I’m not gonna go anymore, I’ll just go home…I’m not feeling so well.” She had to come up with some excuse, some ticket to get out of there, not like they would miss her at all.
She just walked away, heading to the sidewalk to walk home. Alone.
No one wished her well, despite her lie, but she still wished to at least get a “get well soon” or a “goodbye”.
Nothing. Just pity looks as she walked away, not long before chatter filled the car once more and they drove off.
She didn’t feel like eating anymore, despite her stomach yelling at her because she missed the only chance to eat; they would probably make her pay for her own meal anyway.
So she headed home, arms crossed as tears finally made their way down her cheeks. It hurt, the concept of not being included. She was the nickel out of all the pennies. They were all tan skin and smiles, considering themselves lucky because they found each other, very similar to being lucky when you find a penny. But she was all silver and plain, having a different engraving on her and being a different size than everyone else; they were all small and sweet, yet she was the biggest fool out of all of them.
She hated being a nickel. What did she have to do to be a penny?
She didn’t know, and that right there made her cry harder. She wiped at the tears but nothing worked, for whole rivers were already down her face by now. Her heart cracked, she felt it, because she knew if John B moved over just a little there would be enough room for her to sit with them.
But he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to sit next to her, like she was some sort of disgusting disease that he didn’t want to catch.
All she wanted was to be included, to feel loved and fit in by them. But she’ll always be the odd one out.
She fell asleep crying, and woke up hungry since she skipped dinner the day before.
She got out of bed, seeing her red-eyed self in the mirror while brushing her teeth.
She decided to go out today, to JJ’s house.
Now, it didn’t seem like a good decision, but she needed comfort and he was the only person she knew that would provide it. Maybe she would tell him how she’s feeling, not the crying all the way home part, and he would assure her he likes her in the group.
At least that’s what her brain told her he’d say.
Because her mother wouldn’t understand, plus she had other things to deal with, and she didn’t want to bother her father with all the work loads he had on his mind.
But JJ, he was the shiniest penny of all of them, and he seems like the only person to trust. Sadly she didn’t forget about the joke he made the day prior, suggesting she sat on his lap, but it was a one time thing and he could’ve been peer pressured to make it.
That’s what her brain kept telling her.
But the morning was sunny and warm, practically begging for her to enjoy it so she couldn’t refuse.
She put on some Jean shorts and a sun shirt, putting some knitted bracelets on her wrist because she saw everyone else wearing one; plus they were fun to make.
She had made one for JJ, his two favorite colors she overheard him reveal tied into the bracelet. She was gonna bring it to his house, maybe have the courage to give it to him.
She got to his house on foot, spotting his blob of blonde hair behind his car hood, where it normally was.
She shyly made her way over, gazing at his car to pass time. She liked how rusty it was, showing its age but it was still quite clean, like it was his prize possession. (It probably was)
“She looks good, doesn’t she?”
She flinched, looking over at him and making eye contact. His blues were something she admired, but looking directly into them overwhelmed her so she looked away. He chuckled.
One of the main reasons why she went to him was because JJ was the type of person who could talk to anybody. He knew the words to say or the way to talk to make the person comfortable (friend wise that is.)
She hoped he would do just that while he talks to her, and so far so good.
She nodded in response, hands in her back pockets of her shorts and fiddling with the bracelet she made him.
“Yeah, looks great.” She assured, despite the fact that she knew he already knew that, but then again it was all worth the smirk he gave in response, leaning back into the hood.
“What’s wrong with it?” She had the courage to ask, hands out of her pockets now and fingers fiddling together.
He shook his head. “Absolutely nothin’, just had to replace the engine.”
She smiled softly at that, glad that there wasn’t anything severely wrong with his car. “That’s good.”
He nodded, clearly half listening but she knew it was only because he was so focused on the task at hand.
They fell into silence for a little bit, and she was kinda glad he didn’t ask why she was there, mainly because she needed time to build up the courage to start the topic.
“Hey, JJ?” She blurted out, forcing her lips to move. Her heart started beating quite quickly. He looked up at her briefly at the acknowledgment before glancing back down, letting her know he was listening.
“Um,” she started, fiddling with her hands harder than before and trying to ignore the surprisingly annoying racing of her heart. “I noticed yesterday-“
“You noticed the toilet paper I put on John B’s shoe? You didn’t tell him, did you?” He interrupted, his eyes sparkling as he looked at her. She’s always wanted an eye sparkle from him, that meant the topic was mischievous and exciting for him.
But now wasn’t the time, for she needed to get to the point before her courage wore off. “Well, no, I didn’t tell him, but-“
He let out a sigh of relief. “Good, I wanted it to be there when we went to get pizza, which…”
He slowly trailed off, realizing she wasn’t there when they went out.
She swallowed nervously, feeling her cheeks flush. “Yeah, whatever, anyway, I really need to talk to you about something.”
She was satisfied that she could get that sentence out, for the courage in her chest hasn’t left yet.
His face drew back, twisting with confusion but he looked okay with it. “Okay, what’s up, sugar?” He said casually, leaning back down and popping the old engine out, lifting it before placing on the ground.
Her cheeks flushed red at the nickname, but brushed it off so she could stay on task. She kept telling herself that talking to him would help, so she really wanted to get her point across.
“Um, well, I’m feeling a bit, I don’t know, like I don’t…belong.”
The word: belong. It was something she always wanted to do, something she would die just for a taste of being it. It was something she so wanted to be that she held the word close to her heart, holding onto it tightly so it wouldn’t leave her. It was slowly fighting back against her grip ever since she met the group, yet she wanted friends so badly she kept trying.
She stared at JJ to see his reaction, watching as he lifted the new engine towards the car hood. He must have felt her stare because why else would he look up, eyes looking as clueless as ever.
“Did you say something?” He said, scratching his head, closing the hood.
“What?” She pathetically whispered, tears welling up but she blinked them away. She cleared her throat. “N-no, I didn’t say anything. I was gonna say I made this for you.”
Her voice was soft and helpless, setting the bracelet on the now closed hood of the car after taking it out of her pocket. He stared at it, eyes softening slightly before looking up, meeting her glossy eyes.
“I-I hope you like it,” She said, voice thick and her lips were quivering, tears so close to bursting themselves out.
“Woah, what’s wrong?” He said, stepping around his car and reaching for her, but she snatched her wrist out of his reach.
“You weren’t listening to me!” She sputtered. “Just like everyone else.”
“I’m sorry.” Was all he could get out because he was in shock at her outburst. Normally she is the quiet cute girl in the corner, now her eyebrows were furrowed in anger and her cheeks were red. Smoke was practically coming out of her ears.
“Sorry?” She quoted. “I have been feeling like this for weeks, and I finally had the courage to talk to someone, that someone being you of all people because I had a speck of hope that you would listen but when I do you can’t do that just this once?!”
“Feeling like what?” He said- almost demanded- his eyebrows furrowing. She threw her arms in the air in asasperation at his response, like out of the whole outburst she expressed the only thing he heard was that little part. “Does it even matter?” She almost yelled. “You had one chance to listen and you didn’t take it. If you cared you would’ve listened.”
“I do care, sugar,” he desperately assured. “I didn’t know you needed my full attention. I should’ve listened, and I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t even matter anymore, forget about it, JJ,” she said, wiping her cheeks before turning away.
“No no talk to me, princess. I’m listening I promise,” he whispered, dirty fingers curved around her wrist.
She turned to him, desire for someone to listen to her was strong.
Once he knew she wasn’t gonna leave, he let go of her wrist, the warmth from his touch leaving her. She fiddled with her fingers, looking into his eyes that seemed so sincere.“You promise?”
He nodded almost instantly. “I promise.”
He even held out his pinkie to her, making her laugh but seal the promise nonetheless.
The rest of the morning they sat and talked, JJ’s smile as big as ever and the threads tied around his wrist.
And she actually got to hear his jokes for once. The ones she missed, misheard, and never repeated for her.
And those sounds were as genuine as they could get, her heart singing as he gave her a real eye twinkle.
It was at that moment her heart fell, fell hard for the boy next to her.
And at their next hangout she didn’t have to sit on the chair alone like she normally does, for now she got to see on Maybank’s lap (as offered) as she laughed with the group and got to have her say.
She felt loved. Felt like she was included.
And, most important of all, she felt belonged.
-Tell me what you think? 🫶🏻
