[hongt91]

[hongt91]

My days lately have been tinged by sadness or flooded with grief. Often it’s somewhere in between. I’ve always been pretty expressive with God, but instead of just telling him, recently I’ve started to welcome Him into my darkness. But He welcomes me instead... He’s been sitting here with me all this time. Today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow might be darker than today, but it is well.

[hongt91]

Being used when I believe I am loved by the user is a joy and privilege. Being used when I believe only my work is loved is unsettling and unsafe.

I know I am loved. I feel abandoned. I know I am cared for. I feel ignored. I know I am valued. I feel used. I know the truth. But I feel all the lies.  

[hongt91]

“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

These words have echo throughout my prayers lately, and I have the freedom to fully express it before my Abba. But no matter how deeply I feel it, It will always be just a feeling and a lie, because it was my Savior’s truth and his reality.

[hongt91]

Fall asked, “Do you see me?”  ... and waited for Heaven’s reply. 

[hongt91]

seeking.

What is on your mind?  What do you think of? What makes your brow furrow? Does your face burn when you’re angry? How do you see things? What is your favorite color? What makes you tear? Does your lip ever quiver? What do you crave? Do you even crave anything? Do you have a sweet tooth like me? What is fragrant to you? What make your nose crinkle? Do the corners of your mouth lift when you smile? Do your eyes wrinkle or disappear?  What does your laugh sound like? What do your songs sound like? Are your songs infinite?  What does my worship sound like? What does the worship of creation sound like? What do you hear from your throne? My curiosity reaches out to feel the contours of your face, knowing very well the size of my hands; my questions, a finite frame for your answers. But still I seek you, knowing you don’t hide from me. 

[hongt91]

dislocated.

I left my mind in bed today; it was too wild and unruly to tame. I left my heart on the counter today; its murmurs threatened to betray. I left my body at the door today; it was spent from lifting my head, fatigued from cradling my veins. I don’t know if I showed up at all today, but I’ll be carried home just the same.

[hongt91]

[hongt91]

Lord, why?

In grieving, I never asked God “why?” as a child, because I was simply that. A child, with child-like faith. As an adult, it’s been hard to ask God “why?” partly because I feel like I have to come before Him in a certain posture and partly because it’s hard to sit in the bitterness long enough before I try to answer with my own reasoning. But also because I’m afraid. Afraid that if the words leave my mouth and I’m honest, I will become unravelled. I will be undone and left disappointed in a God that I have put my trust in, left empty with all but His silence. But he welcomes my “Why?” even when he is the target of all the stones of bitterness and doubt I throw at him. He says “Give it to me. Come, just as you are”. 

I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow in this process, but today I can say it’s okay if You don’t ever answer my “why?” just as long as You give me Yourself, because I’ve never known a love like Yours. What a gift to be a child who has the freedom to ask. You meet me in my unravelling and I am far from empty.

[hongt91]

seen.

Summer asked, “How do you love me?”  Heaven replied, “I see you.”

Winter asked, “How do you love me?”  Heaven replied, “I love that you see me.”

[hongt91]

unknown.

A gift for you, child. Open your eyes. A gift for you, child. You need not be afraid. A gift for you, child. Open your hands. A gift for you, child. Would you receive it? A gift for you, child. Open your heart. The Kingdom for you, child. Your Father is pleased to give it.

-

Lord, would you give anything else?

[hongt91]

My 27.

[hongt91]

warfare.

you sink your teeth in my arms and claw your way up my neck. you arrest my shoulders and you linger on my chest. you strike my bones with your lies and my flesh by your charm, but you’ve no claim to my spirit and no hold on my song.

[hongt91]

36

in secret stones were stacked guarding swallowed tears now long forgotten

pulling, chipping, wrecking no stone is left unturned violent, but safe the pain, but Your grace

Your crimson, given as a dwelling for me and my wreckage, cleansed by Your weeping

[hongt91]

먹이.

there is a feeder worn, near empty where birds come to peck they leave it barren full before flight

[hongt91]

Thank you, Abba, for days like today. For rest and joy experienced with you, in places and things that reflect your creativity and goodness. For knowing what I love. For delighting in me as I was delighted. I loved every moment, but above all, I love you- the giver of all good gifts. I loved spending time with you today. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. James 1:17

[hongt91]

cracks.

I am tired.  Cracks too worn to splinter.

Wide, weary eyes. Vigilant.

But,  You don’t sleep. And, You don’t need rest.

Chains unravel as they are exhaled.

I collapse and settle against the cracks of Your palms. You are gentle with me. Delicate.

Rest for my weariness. Carried by my Maker.