Next Gen Journalism

Good day, everyone! This is Hatate Himekaidou of Kakashi Spirit News, bringing my intrepid journalism to the sphere of the internet! I promise to be as regular with my articles as I can and as relevant as possible!

[honorablejournalist]

...yeah, like, I think I’ll be taking a little time off for now.

I’ll, like, update when I come back, though? So don’t go away for too long!

[honorablejournalist]

Local Youkai of Shitty Updates Found Unconscious

At about 3:00 AM earlier this morning, a group of acquaintances associated with Skype, well-known youkai of shitty updates, found her lying face-down on the ground with a bottle of oni-brand sake sticking out of their mouth. It is speculated that Skype had been binge drinking the night before when another youkai swapped her usual drink with the oni-brand sake her unconscious body was holding. “It’s so irresponsible of her to let herself get like this,” mentioned Hengaotsu, one of Skype’s close friends and a youkai of impeccable memories. “She’s been doing it for three years, too. Ever since she got together with that deadbeat womanizer Emesen, she’s been nothing but a train wreck. This is a new low, though.” Another acquaintance, Pijin, disagreed with Hengaotsu’s comments. “This isn’t the first time she’s done this. In fact, five years ago she tried to inhale two-hundred kilograms of weed over the course of an hour and just shutdown for the next day or two. She could’ve at least checked it for random anesthetic powders beforehand, but nope. Girl’s just too reckless.” As of this publishing, Skype is currently recovering at Dr. Yagokoro’s clinic, where it is expected that she will be able to return to binge updating herself into ten-minute comas within the next twenty-four hours.

[honorablejournalist]

What a, like, lackluster way to conclude a season of Weeks in Review.

I’ll either have to, like, get some real writing energy going or just take a break.

[honorablejournalist]

Kakashi Week in Review - 9/20/15

A side-boob youkai seeks a flight instructor, Yuyuko Saigyouji tastes two rainbows one after the other, and Renko Usami has pretty damn good handwriting for a human. So many people in the outside are enjoying themselves at a convention dedicated to the celebration of our culture, and I just sat here punching a writer’s block to death. You can all thank me later. In the meantime, this is the Kakashi Week in Review!

An exposé of the inner workings of Chireiden - which recently suffered from yet another bombing attack again - revealed a great deal of information which is enough to answer the question of whether Koishi voided Satori. To start, when one looks at both the “koishisez” and the “satorisays” blogs, they can see that both of them have ‘says’ - which rhymes with cake. Furthermore, cake is tasty, and Satori is tasty, so Satori is cake. Coincidental, right? Upon even further inspection, Satori rhymes with Satori, which rhymes with Satori, which can be found in the URL “satorisays” - the blog of which has a picture of Satori in it. That picture, upon further inspection, vaguely contains a triangle shape somewhere in her hair. From this exclusive information extracted from koishisez and satorisays, the answer to the question of whether Koishi voided Satori is “Satori is Illuminati confirmed”. Hopefully this answer will ease everyone’s mind.

Over the course of this recent Friday, pinked-haired dapper youkai Clark appears to have received a dose of karmic justice for failing to make a significant impact on the landscape of Gensokyo in the form of several punches to the face. A number of the land’s established major players, including Yori, Sumireko, that one hairpinned pretzel bitch, Yuuka (presumably looking to break her record), Wriggle (who punched him in the face with her foot), a girl named Riteraru, this suit of armor who tried to shoot at my face two weeks ago, the blood god Khorne, and friggin’ Shizuha of all people, have all been participants in the latest short-lived trend of punching Clark square in the forehead or cheek. “He’s pretty weak for someone who demands so much respect,” said a local saltwell fairy aptly named Salty, who had just finished punching Clark in the ego and rubbing the salt into his wounds. “He should have at least worked on that before trying to have people notice him. He's kinda failed the cool test.” All in all, it’s quite an incredible feat that Clark was punched so many times regardless, considering he has to levitate in order to make Marisa Kirisame feel like a shrimp.

After an extensive amount of research on the matter, specifically more than five weeks of research, a conclusion has been reached stating that the relationship between friends and newspaper rivals Aya Shameimaru and Hatate Himekaidou are more than just gay for one another: They are extremely gay birbs for one another. The research was conducted by keeping a close eye on the head writer of Kakashi Spirit News, who put a variety of objects into Aya’s mailbox ranging from strange scenario creating unicode symbols to scantly clad photographs of Hatate with small notes indicating their research-related purpose. Aya’s reactions to Hatate’s methods provided more than enough confirmation of the super homosexuality these birbs have for each other, shown most prominently in how Shameimaru expressed no disappointment when the two of them inexplicably found themselves locked in a closet so small that the two of them were only centimeters away from having their bodies smashed together. Hatate for her part reportedly almost creamed herself during that occurrence, and it is speculated that this is what has since prompted her to treat her feelings for Aya as something worth expressing to her in a roundabout way such as publishing them in the Kakashi Week in Review - just after she punches this stupid fucking writer’s block in the face.

...and in local news, a report confirms that Trix cereal is, in fact, still just for kids and not for vampires that merely act like children.

In other news, Cirno experiences the other side of Ice Sign “Icicle Fall” (Easy), An immortal and a psychic drug dealer (who might be Nue) join the shoplifting fandom and steal from Hot Topic, and Parsee’s mythology panel at Touhoucon went really well and she deserves a round of applause.

This weekly news recap ends now, but what even is life but a series of weekly news recap articles coming to an end? I’ll tell you what it is: It is a festive tea party at the Hakurei Shrine after a major incident. It is the time spent dodging a barrage of colorful bullets in a heated danmaku battle. It is a nice, big bottle of your favorite sake after a long day of work. It is traveling far away with your friends to a place where you can celebrate your favorite things in life together with like-minded people. Most importantly, however, it is the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death. How people forget that is beyond me. Anyhow, to stay on top of current events, visit Next Gen Journalism and give it a follow or two!

[honorablejournalist]

Fucking writer’s block...!

[honorablejournalist]

Reimu’s Mom Lacks Flight Ability, Pursues Career in Matchmaking Boots with Posteriors

After a short, exclusive, but eye-opening interview with none other than the previous Hakurei shrine maiden Yori Hakurei, dear reader, it has been discovered that the older shrine maiden - who still lacks the ever present ability to fly present in most significant individuals in Gensokyo - is not only currently looking for flight lessons, but has also settled for pursuing a career in matchmaking heavy footwear with various people’s gluteal muscles. Judging by the words she spoke related to said career, those being “ALL OF YOU NEED TO GET DOWN HERE SO I CAN INTRODUCE MY BOOT TO YOUR ASS”, Yori sounds very passionate about her new career choice, and therefore it is the recommendation of this publication that Gensokyo’s denizens be helpful and encouraging of her career choice. After Reimu’s biological mother succeeds in her new career, she will be that much more likely to finally learn how to fly like literally everyone else that makes a real difference in Gensokyo.

[honorablejournalist]

But Nue, like, did it first?

[honorablejournalist]

Rinnosuke Morichika Lays Bouncing, Sphere-Shaped Egg From His Nose

[honorablejournalist]

"Honored, how many people read KSN each week?" Corporate espionage? Corporate espionage. "And how do you manage to get an issue out every week?"

Haha! I hardly ever, like, count that sort of thing by hand? I just get a feel for how many are reading by, like, listening for comments about it on the wind? It’s still, like, quite a significant number of readers, and knowing that is probably the biggest help I get in, like, being able to publish something every week?

That and getting off my feathery ass to do some journalism, but that’s a given. Speaking of which, are you still up for doing that collab?

[honorablejournalist]

Kakashi Week in Review - 9/13/15

An orange-engorged onion latches onto forehead genitalia, the Judge of the Dead gives her long-held virginity to the dead, and Ran Yakumo’s tongue is a fucking pussy. I bet I could publish a newspaper full of nothing but crude drawings of dicks, and you’d still keep crawling back on your hands and knees to buy copies of it. With that said, this is the Kakashi Week in Review!

Alarming news stories always coming first sometimes, Hakugyokurou faced an urgent crisis when Princess of the Dead Yuyuko Saigyouji arrived home one day only to find Seiga Kaku crawling to bed with her adorable little gardener Youmu Konpaku - a most unforgivable act if committed within Hakugyokurou’s jurisdiction. Motives for the hermit’s unspeakable intrusion are as of yet completely unclear, and her babbling about an ‘ask meme’ do not help clarify any matters whatsoever either. “We can only assume that she wants to seduce my cute little Youmu!” said Yuyuko regarding the hermit’s motives. “Even worse, she may even want to make her grow a dick! A dick, I tell you!” Whatever the intruding hermit’s reasoning may be for climbing into Youmu’s bed, it is clear that the half-phantom gardener must be protected at all costs from anything that may ever happen to her at all, especially from harmless ask meme shenanigans and the dangers of growing as an individual.

After she committed a felony misdemeanor by covering her master’s master’s mattress in itching powder, adorable-ass child Chen is facing one thousand years of prohibition from play dates by order of Ran and Yukari Yakumo. The sentence was extended almost immediately after Yukari succumbed to the effects of the itching powder, and it was admittedly not the first punishment that had been suggested. “It was gonna be no dinner for a thousand years,” said the border demon, “but Ran threw a bitch fit about it and said we should ban play dates instead. In retrospect, it wouldn’t have been so effective anyway. Breakfast and lunch are still meals, after all, and don’t even get me started on dessert.” It remains to be seen whether Yukari will hold to her punishment for the whole millennium or if she wasn’t kidding about lying to Chen when she said it would be for a thousand years, but such a punishment should at the very least scare the adorable-ass child into being a heterosexual.

Lately it has become apparent that more people in Gensokyo than just the Tengu have taken it upon themselves to begin their own newspaper publications. First seen coming from the underworld in the form of Eri Philomele’s breathtakingly well-written Nosepaeper, the spread of news outlets has at least two reasons behind it, one of those reasons being a desire to share information with the land and another being out of protest due to a perceived lack of content appearing in Kakashi Spirit News (which wrecked everybody’s shit in the 50,698th newspaper competition, mind you). “Birds lying in the newspaper?!” said an orange-engorged onion after reading an exposé of Reimu Hakurei’s opinion of the world around her. “Unforgivable! I’ll have to make my own newspaper! With blackjack and hookers!” This recent trend has even inspired older publications like Bunbunmaru to step their game back up a little, possibly out of fear that they may be overlooked entirely. One wonders now if the senior editor of the Intrepid Truth Press will finally get the hint.

...and in sports news, Prince Toyosatomimi no Miko slam jams it in.

In other news, Satori Komeiji cosplays as her sister whose name no one can ever remember, a drug dealer contemplates whether her drug-trafficking pigeons have feelings, and Reimu Hakurei is planning on building a bigger shrine, but don’t tell anybody because it’s a secret.

Something tells me that a storm is coming. Maybe it’s my growing paranoia over Miss Shameimaru not really being all she seems to be - that or Nue playing a giant prank on everyone again. I’ll have to check on that later. In the meantime, dear reader, you should be sure to visit Next Gen Journalism and give it a follow or two so you can stay on top of current events!

[honorablejournalist]

“Git gud at journalism”, says Hakurei Shrine Maiden

Once again giving Gensokyo a firm reminder as to why she is the protector of the border, Reimu Hakurei told journalists yesterday that the residents of this dreamland still need to get good at a variety of tasks and activities. In particular, she has chastised the Tengu for what she sees as a failure on our part to get good at journalism. “I’d rather not waste my time answering any of your stupid questions,” the shrine maiden said to yours truly. “I poured my heart and soul out to you last time under the apparently false assumption that you were actually paying attention to me. But look where that went!” The shrine maiden turned her head away in frustration before she finished speaking. “Clearly you didn’t listen, so I’m just not going to say anything to you except the things I’m saying to you right now. That and you still need to get good.” Shortly after the interview concluded, it was reported that the shrine maiden’s adopted daughter Little Rei had, like her red-white mother, gotten good.

[honorablejournalist]

...I swear, I’ve had, like, way too much to drink.

[honorablejournalist]

September 9th Out-Lifts Other Days of the Year

[honorablejournalist]

I heard that there is a photo floating around that shows Satori dressed up as a character from a series of constructable outside world toys. You did not hear this from me.

I also, like, can’t find that photo you’re talking about? So... yeah! Totally didn’t hear this from you at all.

[honorablejournalist]

You forgot the part where you nearly creamed yourself when locked in a closet with Aya.

But I’m, like, not done with my research for that one yet!

[honorablejournalist]

Kakashi Week in Review - 9/6/15

Lady Cthulhu angers a collective of elder gods she didn’t even know existed, the pilot from LOST takes off his entire face, and Russian President Vladimir Putin finds himself lost in Gensokyo happily singing about how much he likes giant roosters. Preceded by a reminder to you dearest readers just who it was that wrecked everybody’s shit in the 50,698th newspaper competition, this is the Kakashi Week in Review!

About three or four weeks since he began his quest to cause random assortments of trouble in Gensokyo for the sake of being mentioned in the Kakashi Week in Review, the pink-haired youkai known by the name of Clark has found himself sorely disappointed by the surprisingly spiteful adaptation of all of Gensokyo to his shenanigans. “I lit Misty Lake on fire!” he was heard shouting to a fellow eldritch abomination who should take a page from Clark and get himself a pronounceable name. “I don’t even know how! Worst part is nobody even knows that I did, let alone cares - just like with the nightmares and everything else I’ve done!” Clark continued to elaborate how he has since only been able to capture the attention of individuals with an inadequately explored vendetta against him despite having never met him before. Interestingly enough, his childish complaints toward everyone for pretending he and his collection of attention-seeking antics don’t exist are not entirely unfounded. “Don’t listen to anyone that says the [Moriya] shrine moved or teleported elsewhere,” said wind priestess Sanae Kochiya in reference to said attention-seeking antics, “because it didn’t. It was never at all relocated to the Hakurei Shrine’s place, then almost immediately teleported back where it belongs by the goddesses, then teleported to Misty Lake, and then teleported back to Youkai Mountain again. If you believe otherwise, you’re an idiot.” Just after her input, the wind priestess returned to advertising her miraculous permanent fixes to the nightmares that totally haven’t been occurring and affecting Gensokyo.

In a far more alarming turn of events confusing to all except possibly Eirin Yagokoro, bridge princess Parsee Mizuhashi appears to have come down with a severe case of Kougeki. The affliction of strange quality has a variety of assorted symptoms, including but not limited to having hundreds of icons an eighth of which you’ll most likely never use once in your life, being extremely flustered at the mere mention of the word ‘Kougeki’, using a related icon in response to said mention of that word, and a particular affinity toward being shipped with either Satori Komeiji, yourself, or both Satori and yourself at the same time. “Do not under any circumstances bring it up to her,” said a source who comes into contact with Parsee on a regular basis. “Well, not unless you want your skull to have dozens of nails driven into it. I admit it does sound like a fun time, but trust me. That kind of action is not for everyone.” After the correspondence, that source of information could be spotted hiding in the bushes and looking at the Kougeki-afflicted bridge princess with a glazed look in their eyes, presumably to keep an eye on Parsee until she recovers.

With the ever-climbing rise of posts and users on Tumblr that you don’t like, several solutions have also been reported to have given users great control over what they see, ranging from ignoring them to unfollowing them. The most effective of these solutions, however, has been proven to be complaining about those users and/or posts. “Most problems on Tumblr are caused by poor communication between users,” said Ryuuzaki, head of the Department of Posting on Tumblr in Gensokyo. “An increase in complaints is a perfect way to resolve these problems. Your complaining will send a message to other users: ‘Excuse me, but I take issue with the manner in which you are conducting yourself’.” For users who have a major issue with another, the department suggests complaining about them behind their back and continuing to do so in spite of anybody else who quite frankly can shove it. “Or, in a worst case scenario, you may try complaining about those users in a passive-aggressive manner, not mentioning them by name but still making your issues with them known to everyone else. Either way, complaining is simple and easy.” The department assures Tumblr users that complaining about others will solve 90% of your problems, while the other 10% can be dealt with via a combination of harassment and hate mail or by some form of passive-aggressive sarcasm.

...and in local news, a report confirms that this walking suit of armor needs to stop fucking shooting at my face, it isn’t gonna work.

In other news, Nue Houjuu disassembles the fabric of time and space for educational purposes, Hina Kagiyama gives her formal Spin-Spin Seal of Approval to the deliciousness of cheese, and Inuyasha longs for the day when he can finally obtain an owl’s sword of slaying the pink.

If you suddenly get the urge some time today to either punch Daichi in the face until he breaks his own record of number of injuries per day or flood Myouren Temple with a mountainous avalanche of cheese, you can thank this news article for planting either of those seeds in your mind. To stay on top of current events, be sure to visit Next Gen Journalism and give it a follow or two!

[honorablejournalist]

Is it, like, super gay in here, or is it just me?