At first, shock overtook you. You would never be able to eat another grape again, and neither would anyone else. Good riddance. Grapes, in your opinion, were gross. You couldn't test this newfound ability on just any old food now could you?
A sly smile spread across your face. This was going to be fun.
Your cousin has an extreme peanut allergy, and she has always been jealous of the fact everyone else could eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups while she could only hear about how great they were. After very little deliberation, you buy a bag of peanuts, a sharpie and a bag of Reese's Pices before going to her apartment.
Holding a single offending peanut in the air in front of you, you study it. This peanut looks exactly like every other peanut in existence. You plan to change that.
After shelling the peanut and one of it's siblings by cracking them between your teeth, you place one one of the edible bits on your center console untouched, the second one you draw an X on and set beside the first, on the third and fourth ones you draw circles and leave in your hand.
With trembling fingers you pop the third peanut into your mouth and dry swallow.
The fourth peanut disappears but the first two remain on the center console of your car. With a victory pump in the air you grab the shelled peanuts and eat them. The rest of the bag in your lap growing lighter, only the shells remain but completely untouched.
You ditch the peanut shells in a trash receptacle on your way up the stairs to your cousin's apartment. With a quick delay for a knock and a stupidly short conversation she eats a Reese's Pieces (EpiPen in hand of course). Hives break out over her instantly and one EpiPen shot later you are banned from her apartment for forever. It seems that your scientific experiments were not appropriate in this situation. You savor the 50 Reese's Pieces you shoved into your mouth, already melting.
It takes a bit, but you mark every piece of food you eat directly before you eat it. You dont die of starvation and the world has only lost grapes, peanuts, and Reese's Pieces. You don't intend for that to change anytime soon.
Three years later you slam your book shut, eyes wide with understanding. The other people in the coffee shop jumped with worry. Whatever you eat will cease to exist in the world. Your eyes turn to the garbage where you can see a used plastic straw stick out of an empty plastic cup.
It's time to save the turtles bitches.
Five minutes later every plastic straw in the trash vanishes. So does every plastic straw in the ocean.
An evil smile spreads across your face, mosquitoes are going down.
You eat every nonbiodegrable trash object you find, you even eat AK-47 ammo, snakes, eels, clown noses, anything. You are never discovered, but you made the world a better place.
As time went on, you decided it was time to die in the most metal way possible. You were going to eat a nuke.
All your efforts went to this goal, if you could eat a nuke, well good stuff then right. But it will definitely kill you.
You made a deal with a man who could get you to see a nuke. Unfortunately a nuke is not something that can fit in your mouth or stomach, so this plan sucked.
Instead you decide to do something very rational. Cannibalism. Well not cannibalism because you are not a corrupt politician.
You picture assassination and gorging yourself on human flesh with blood covering your chest. Instead you break into a morgue and eat very very raw, meat, human meat.
The next day on the news, almost every politician has vanished, and every time a new one came into office, they immediately vanished, you sit back and admire your life's work and think. "What the absolute fuck have I just done?"
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