hooked on healing

A beautiful mess of the ups and downs of life 

[hookedonhealing]

The Power of Words

I recently saw Bohemian Rhapsody,a beautiful piece of cinema. Funny, sensitive and tragic.

I have always been a Queen fan, and the film rekindled my love again. But this time I am listening to the lyrics, really listening. My god, what an art to to put a string of sentences together that reach inside and consume the audience.

We all know the song Bohemian Rhapsody. We sing along, tap and dance to it. There's a set of words Freddy Mercury says.

"Mamma, ooh, I don't want to die.

I sometimes wish I had never been born at all."

I have never related to something so much. I talk a lot about Mental health on this blog more than anything. I feel so passionately about sharing and breaking the stigma. And these words capture exactly how I feel so often.

Yes, I get suicidal and intrusive thoughts. It feels like my mind and body are constantly at war with each other. But, I do not want to die. Not really. I have the overwhelming feeling that I should not been here at all. That I should not be apart of this world.

And yet, here I am. And here you all are. What do we do? The only thing we can,  try to survive and live. Day by day, minute by minute. Try and find our reason for living.

Queen like so many other talented artists and wordsmiths capture the tone, the energy and the words that many are not able to do. What a fantastic gift we have been given, the ability to feel and listen. If nothing else, that's one awesome reason to keep living <3

[hookedonhealing]

The Art of Losing Control in Order to Gain Control

Mental Health:

I love the use of the words, 'the art...' Art is perceived as something natural, beautiful, and something to be looked after. As soon as it is fronted with something that would ordinarily be seen as a negative , like losing control it instantaneously turns it into something positive.

Losing control, in turns out is an art I am pretty damn good at , thank you very much! I was faced with something someone I love shared with me. An unpleasant something. That they were continuing a relationship for fear of what I would do.

That was a difficult pill to swallow for two reasons:

First, that the reasons to be with me weren't totally genuine.

Second, that the way I react to difficult situations would be seen so negatively.

So in light of that I have worked hard to unpick the whole thing. What I have realised, and is a real ingrained part of me, is that at the time of facing something difficult I am not longer in control of myself. That my reactions take over, and are most likely going to be an anxiety attack, wanting to flee, or a deep sense of desperation and not wanting to be alive. A total inability to cope with what is presented to me.

Once that has settled and I get through it (which I always do!) I am then able to be more level, strong and rational, even more so then in my 'normal' day to day life. I can make decisions, see things for what they are and cope. It is almost like I have to experience the total lack of control in order to gain control.

It is not ideal, but this new understanding of myself does now mean that I am aware and can make other people aware. Hopefully never putting myself or others in a position that our decisions are being led by the each others reactions.

So yes, I am good at the art of losing control, and I am also good at the art of gaining control!

[hookedonhealing]

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Mental health:

little follow up from my last post.

Although the day I went to a&e I felt like I was drowning just under the surface of water, thinking I was unable to breathe. I was able to gasp enough breath to ask for help. Sure the help wasn't useful or particular healthy in that state on mind. But, instead of letting the negativity of the experience consume me, I have searched for the positives. I was strong enough in my weakest moment to ask for help. Finding the positives in a state of particularly bad depression is an art, a skill. It definitely isn't always possible for me, but when you get the glimmer of positivity grab it and nurture it until you feel it inside.

I really want to hit that point home. You are not weak at your weakest point, you are not weak when you feel desperate, and you are not weak when you reach out for help. I will reiterate the point that if you had cracked your head, no one would expect you to wait and see if it gets better on it's own, nor would they think you are a weaker person for feeling the pain it has given you. Mental health should be no different, you are allowed to feel pain and to seek help for it. Never feel less of a person for doing that!

[hookedonhealing]

Southend Hospital, Mental Health Department.

Mental health:

The other night, I felt totally desperate losing all sight of reality. My sister called 111, they told us to head to a&e and I would get the support and care I needed.

My sister drove us, I sat in the passenger seat wrapped in a blanket feeling afraid of myself and my thoughts. We waited for a hour, very quick for a&e! Saw triage, he took my blood pressure , temperature and we had a little chat. All fine. He told me a psychiatrist from the mental health ward would see me.

We sat back in the waiting room, very soon a lady collected me. She said my sister wasn't allowed to come with me. That made me feel anxious. But I went with her anyway.

I sat in another waiting room, for a few minutes and was given some forms. The psychiatrist collected me and took me in to a room.

There she asked me questions, as though she was reading them from a questionnaire. I was in tears, finding it difficult to talk or even make eye contact. Wanting to go so far into myself that I would disappear.

"What was your birth like? Did your mother give birth naturally, c-section, were forceps used?"

"What is the problem, what is going on?"

"Have you actually been diagnosed with any mental health issues from your GP?"

"Tell me about your childhood?"

Each question asked like she was filling out an order form in a shop. No compassion, no care or sympathy. I was opening up to a brick wall.

After all had been said, I felt exhausted and just as desperate. The psychiatrist responded with:

"There's no magic cure, hun. You have just got to take it day by day."

What?! I don't care about tomorrow, I need help now. I feel like I cannot continue living right now, in this moment. When I shared these sentiments with her she replied;

"What did you think would happen here?"

Help! Help is what I thought would happen here.

"Oh, we just signpost you to other places we think can support you." She gave me some leaflets and I was left. Left.

I had opened up and reached out in my darkest moment, desperate for someone to help me when I felt like I could no longer carry on. And nothing. Some questions asked and sent on my merry way.

I had found the strength to seek help when I needed it most instead of letting it engulf me, and I got nothing back. I came out feeling worse in fact. I am so thankful I had family with me, because the feeling of, 'not even the doctors care or can help me, I am just worthless and pathetic, what is the point,' Were so strong, they fed the feeling of not wanting to be here even more.

I am sharing this, because I think this highlights just how mental health is still not always treated equally to other illnesses. If I had gone in with a cracked head, I would have been looked after, cleaned up and maybe some stitches. Only allowed to leave when everything had been checked and I was in a fit state to leave. But because my injuries are on the inside, and cannot be seen, the same treatment is not afforded.

I recognise the NHS are wonderful in so many ways. But, this was not a wonderful experience or a wonderful department. It almost feels to me that the department should not be there at all, if they are not able to provide a fulfilling service.

[hookedonhealing]

Finding my inner strength.

Mental health:

I haven't posted in what feels like forever. Truth be told, things have been a bit of a mess and I have been working on that.

I always think it's kinda funny, the stuff I post on my business Instagram would have you believe I am always drinking coffee, eating cake and having a ball crocheting all my problems away. Alright the coffee and cake thing isn't too far off the truth.... But the reality is, that people have lives, real lives behind their insta feed.

I am not going to delve into the mess I am working through. Because it is personal and sensitive to me. What I am going to do is share some of the journey that it has taken me on.

Over time, and unchecked depression I lost myself. A lot. I lost my voice, my self worth, my confidence and strength. Worrying about everything. That I was being a burden, that I was wrong or unjustified to feel the way I felt. I second guessed everything. All of these things are very much a work in progress. Over the past year these are the areas I have targeted the most. And have been relatively successful (there have been definite ups, downs and wobbles!)

Recently a certain set of circumstance has triggered many of these feelings once more. Unravelling some of the work I have worked hard to overcome. But, it's not all doom and gloom. It also revealed something great, that I can now recognise what makes me feel these things! It has also revealed strength that I never knew was in me. And that comes from knowing I am worth something, I am valuable and I deserve happiness and security.

I have a book, called, 'F**ck It, the Ultimate Spiritual way,' I have had it for years, it is my life line. This quote from the author John C. Parkin has helped me realise some of that inner strength.

"The key to being able to let go of all the stuff your holding on to is knowing that you'll be okay if you don't have it.

And that's the truth. You can survive with very little. And though the passing of people and things can be painful, you will survive."

[hookedonhealing]

Etsy Store Opening....

Craft:

I am so super duper excited to finally open my Etsy Store. It holds more significance than just opening up a store. These pieces are the result of my journey to wellness. Crochet has become my lifeline, my purpose and my happiness. I have finally found my safe place, where I can take a brain break and immerse myself in my craft.

I am so proud of everything I have made (even the frogged dodgy pieces!) My soul has gone into every item, and this store allows me to share them with you. Every item that is bought means that I can continue to use crochet as part of my healing process, I am very thankful for that.

Woohoo to store opening!! Feedback would be helpful and so appreciated. What do you think of the items? What would you like to see? <3

Handmade crochet and knitware. by HookedonHealing

You searched for: HookedonHealing! Discover the unique items that HookedonHealing creates. At Etsy, we pride ourselves on our global communi

[hookedonhealing]

Cakes...the yarn variety!

Craft:

Every time I see self striping yarn cakes in the store or on Instagram, I totally fall in love. I particularly like the look of the Mandala yarn by Lion Brand, and Caron Cotton cakes. But, I am still yet to buy any. I guess I am so overwhelmed with the choice of yarn and what project to commit to it has stopped me from moving forward.

I love seeing the blankets, starting as a square in the centre and working out, making the colours appear as though they are bursting out. Perhaps I will make that my project.

What is your experience using these yarn cakes?

[hookedonhealing]

It may look like I'm lazy, but it's all I can manage.

Mental health:

As I was doing my usual daily insta browse I came across a post by @rethinkdep with an image of a woman holding a TV remote, and the words, 'It may look like I'm lazy, but it's all I can manage.' (Image above!)

This definitely hit a chord, and something I have felt I have had to justify to others, and myself. It is a real barrier to recovery when you feel as though you are just being lazy, that you should be able to do more than just get out of bed.

For me, at times it has felt like my illness is not taken seriously, trivialised or even shamed. I have had a member of HR tell me, 'best to put that patch behind you, and move on,' when returning to work after being signed off unfit from my GP. I think most of us have also experienced the, 'how are you so tired? You haven't done anything!' comment.

Most of the time, I am sure it comes from a lack of understanding. This is only made more tricky when trying to explain the effects your illness has is near on impossible. As hard as I try I am never quite able to articulate how I feel, or how it feels. This is the best I have come up with so far....

I permanently have a heaviness inside of me, It is always there, it never leaves. It feels dark and weighs me down. Mostly it lives in my tummy, sometimes in my chest. Most of the time I can get on with my day, at a slower pace than most, and always with rest time! On bad days the heaviness spreads across my body, into my arms, legs, head, and like an anchor it can feel impossible to move, think or function 'normally.' On those days I cannot get on with my day.

That is a super simplified, glossed over explanation. It does not touch upon intrusive thoughts, lack of self worth/esteem/confidence, feelings of shame and guilt....... and all the other yukky things. But, like I said it's the best I can do!

I don't know what the full answer for taking the stigma away is, but I think talking about it and sharing experiences is one way to help. To help people perhaps understand a little more, and for other mental health suffers to realise they are well and truly not alone!

[hookedonhealing]

She sells sea shells.

Pictures taken in Finland. So much beauty <3

Craft talk:

I am getting pieces ready for the launch of my etsy store. At the moment I am working on a baby blanket with a cute repeating shell stitch in lemon yellow, baby blue, and navy blue. I am using Katia Mississippi 3 yarn, it's my first time using this brand and so far I am enjoying it. It is soft, made up of 60% cotton and 40% acrylic. My preference is to work with yarn slightly thicker.

I have yet to name this piece, I am thinking, 'to be beside the sea'... Suggestions welcome!

**Update!**

After a few rows following a pattern, I wasn't totally happy with how it was turning out. The shells were not defined and it all looked a little loose and messy. I thought I would play around with some stitches myself, and after a few hours found the perfect combination of v stitches, chains and shell stitches to get a really nice defined shell pattern.

I also switched out the yellow for a turquoise colour as I just felt it flowed together better. I am thinking of having a go at writing it out, and drawing a graph of the pattern once I have finished. Would love to hear your thoughts! (Also, a name for the piece is still needed!)

[hookedonhealing]

The blood moon we did not see..

Travel:

So, the day of my first blog post my partner came across an article about the blood moon, it would be visible that same night! Exciting. We were chasing the solar eclipse, but had no idea about the lunar (we now know a lunar eclipse happens two weeks before a solar eclipse, amateurs!)

There was a spot just five minutes from where we were, overlooking a lake with uninterrupted views of the sky. We packed up our stuff and of we drove. We got there around 6pm and stayed till about 11.30pm...we saw no blood moon! Cloud coverage obstructing our perfectly chosen spot.

Although we set off with that as our aim, it kinda became less important. We spent 5 hours gazing at the sky, noticing the birds the ripples in the lake, and talking. On one side the bright pink streaks striped above the field, as though someone had taken a highlighter to the sky. On the other a turquoise blue, blanketing over the lake, tucking the world up for the night.

I am guilty at times of not appreciating the world around me, how beautiful things can be just as they are. It fills me with warm fuzziness to think that no matter where we are in the world. A city, town, countryside.. Netherlands, England, Australia. We can always take a moment to look at the world around us, ground ourselves with the beauty. It will be my aim to do so more often. One of life's free gifts for us to enjoy.

[hookedonhealing]

The 'hooked on healing,' story...

Life:

I am writing my very first blog post in a forest in Sweden, after travelling and spending time in Germany and Denmark. We are adventuring North to see the eclipse! Not even six months ago would I have dreamt I would be here. 

This is a journey of the soul and  recovery. Since adolescence I have carried the weight of depression and anxiety around with me, struggling every day on the inside, putting on an act and smiling to the world outside. This past year it became too much, too hard, and too dangerous to carry alone. So, like a tightly wrapped present the strings are slowly becoming loser, the gift of life lurking inside, showing me glimpses of the joy it has to offer. 

Today I am full of gratitude for my love, our cat, my family and friends...and most surprisingly crochet! This blog will be a beautiful mess of ups, downs, crafts, travels and all the things I stumble across on my road to recovery.