professor!sunghoon x TA!y/n, slow burn, MDNI, university au, fake dating au, ex!sim jaeyun, smut with a lot of plot, slight angst, fluff, jealousy, yearning (mutual), oral s*x (both receiving and giving), petnames (princess, baby, angel), n!pple play, slight dirty talk, f!ngering, riding, unsafe s*x (don’t do this), creampi*s, aftercare, multiple org*sms, begging, soft dom!hoon, angst with a happy ending
tags: @satorus-slut @yunlazia @iouven @gardenwonn
wc: 13.3k (idk how it got like this… anyway enjoy)
an: this kinda links into my other fic as heeseung’s TA appears in his fic! you don’t rlly need to read that to understand this but the fic is all part of my future series i’m currently writing for :) that fic is here. thanks to my absolute sweetest best friends for beta reading and helping me through this process i couldn’t have done it without you!!! @luvvjongs and @irlmymelodyy i love youuu <3
“we need rules.”
“such as?”
“holding hands. keeping me close. maybe kissing if my ex is watching.”
sunghoon nods once like this is all perfectly reasonable.
why had you agreed to this again?
or;
the fake dating fic where heeseung sets you up with professor park sunghoon, who agrees to be your fake boyfriend to a birthday party only for him to realise:
your ex is sim jaeyun.
jaeyun is his best friend.
he’s been in love with you since you were both TA’s
when heeseung told you he had found you a date, you had thought the worst.
that he had found one of his grad friends that he had told you were complete losers.
or that he had gotten sunoo, who would have treated the whole thing as a joke.
the last thing you had expected was park sunghoon.
you nearly dropped the croissant that was in your hand as he entered the cafe.
tall, composed and dressed impeccably as always. he had dressed in dark colours and wore a coat that fit the autumn weather outside. sunghoon looked the same as he always had: intimidating and a little untouchable. which showed as his students would always straighten in their seats, the moment he would walk in to a lecture hall.
professor park sunghoon.
though you had known him when you were both just TA’s, he was different back then. he was a little softer, but he was still quieter and reserved. that softer side only managed to come out when he was with you, but you had never let yourself dwell on that.
you remembered late nights spent with sunghoon in the faculty office, helping professor kang mark papers. there were 200 students in the class, so you would compare marks and try to stay up. there was one particular night where you couldn’t focus, and as you felt yourself drifting to sleep, a coffee cup was gently placed in front of you. sunghoon wordlessly sat down and continued working, and you quietly thanked him. you hadn’t mentioned how poorly you slept the night before, but sunghoon had noticed.
he had somehow noticed everything when it came to you. from picking up the marks you forgot to tally, to the time you came in with a high fever, and he took one look before demanding you go home and rest. but that was all it was. he never made any other effort to take it further; it was always like he was holding himself back.
and then he became professor park sunghoon.
it was like a line was drawn. he was being professional, you had thought. and though there was distance, and you were now heeseung’s TA, you still found his gaze landing on you whenever you entered the room.
but sometimes you did catch glimpses of the old park sunghoon, in the way he bit the tip of his pen as he marked his papers, and the cute thing he did when he talked about something he was really passionate about. you found his gaze lingering on you a second longer than it usually would, which is why this was so dangerous.
your stomach tightened as he walked up to the coffee table.
“you’re late,” heeseung said casually, getting up from his seat with his drink in hand.
“by 2 minutes,” sunghoon muttered, his cheeks flushed from the cold air.
“that’s late for you.”
sunghoon’s eyes now landed on you.
his eyes look at you expectantly.
“hi,” you said, carefully.
“hi.” his voice was so calm and firm, it made your legs clench together.
“well! my work here is done.” heeseung laughed as he moved to leave from his seat.
“wait-” you started.
“you two talk.” he said, walking towards the door where mina, his girlfriend, stood waiting for him. “i’m leaving before this gets weird.” he shouted behind him.
“it already is weird-” the slam of the cafe door interrupted your words.
you sat in a slight awkward silence, sipping on your drink. clearing your throat, you finally spoke.
“well, first, i wanted to say thank you for agreeing to this.” you fiddled with your rings, as you spoke.
“… agree to what?” sunghoon asked, his face blank.
you paused. “the fake dating thing?” silence descended upon you again.
“…fake dating?” his genuine confusion only made you feel worse.
“yes?” you squeaked, now entirely unsure of yourself and what you were doing.
his eyebrows furrowed. “heeseung hyung told me i had a date.”
now you were confused. “a date for the party.”
“yes,” he said slowly, trying to piece things together.
you stared at each other. realisation hit you right in the face.
“oh my god.” you slapped your forehead in disbelief. “he didn’t explain anything to you, did he?”
“…apparently not.”
heat rushed into your cheeks. of course heeseung would do this. letting out a heavy sigh, you forced yourself to explain the situation.
“i need a fake date.” you blurted out, “my ex is going to be at the party, and heeseung thought it would help me if i had one.”
the moment the word ‘ex’ left your mouth, sunghoon stiffened.
“…i see.” he said politely.
god, you wanted to crawl into a hole and hide forever.
you completely missed the way his jaw tightened, and how he quickly schooled his disappointment. sunghoon had walked in expecting a whole different conversation, and now had realised he had misunderstood everything.
“it’s stupid i know.” you began, “you definitely don’t have to do it if you’re uncomfortable, but i thought we should go through some ground rules if we are.”
“rules?” he said flatly.
“yeah! like no unnecessary touching, no mixed signals, no-”
“no.”
you stopped.
“what?”
sunghoon remained calm.
“i don’t think this is a good idea.”
the rejection hits harder than you thought it would.
“oh.”
you look down now, cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
“that makes sense.”
he felt guilty right away and suddenly wanted to take everything back.
but he stayed silent.
what was he supposed to say? that the thought of having you only for pretend made him feel so irrationally annoyed? or that the thought of being used to make your ex jealous was destroying him inside?
he had felt so stupid for even thinking heeseung was even trying to set the two of you up.
you forced a smile, “it’s okay,”
“i’ll try find someone else.”
and there it was again, the change in his expression. annoyance at your words.
“you’ll find someone else?” he repeated.
you were getting annoyed at this point.
“well yes.”
you watched as he leaned back in his chair his gaze focused solely on you.
“you’re comfortable asking just anyone?” he questioned.
“it’s not just anyone.” you huffed, “and it’s only for one night.”
“one night.” he echoed.
you didn’t understand why he was so hung up on that, or why he was so bothered at you bringing someone else when it was clear he didn’t want to do it.
finally, you sighed, “please just forget about this,” you grabbed your bag and tried to leave, but then he spoke.
“wait…” he lifted his hand to stop you, “i’ll do it.”
you stared at him as if he had just told you a joke.
“…what?”
“i said i’ll do it.” he said matter of factly.
you brain scrambled for a second.
“you… just said no?”
“well, i changed my mind.”
“that fast?” you asked incredulously.
“yes.” he says smoothly.
you narrowed your eyes at him, “that’s not concerning at all.”
you watch his eyes gleam with slight amusement.
“it’s practical.” he explained.
“fake dating your coworker is practical?” you ask.
“you said it was only one night.”
“you didn’t sound so happy about that before.”
his gaze held yours steadily, “i reconsidered.”
that explained absolutely nothing about his sudden change in attitude.
he checked his watch suddenly and his face became serious.
“my office hours begin in 15 minutes.”
you nodded, “so… you’re serious?”
“yes.”
“so you’re not gonna back out?” you asked, carefully.
“you’re weirdly calm.” you laugh.
“i’m trying to be.” he breathed.
before you could ponder on his words, sunghoon continued.
“if we’re doing this, we should discuss things properly.”
“rules.” you nodded.
“yes.” he agreed, “rules.” he tested on his lips.
you smiled slightly at his expression.
“i don’t have time now, but is there a better time to meet soon?”
“you’re scheduling fake dating preparations?” you giggled.
“you wanted structure.” he smiled, you felt your heart skip at the rare sight.
suddenly he looked fond, and it reminded you briefly of how he used to look at you.
he picked up his bag and stood, “how do you feel about tomorrow? after work.”
“yeah that should work. my place?” you asked.
“yeah.” he said softly, he didn’t move.
both of you waited.
you cleared your throat quickly, “well, good luck with your office hours.”
he nodded and held your eyes for one lingering second.
“try not to find someone else before tomorrow.” he teased.
your breath caught.
underneath his joke, you could feel the possessive edge in his voice.
before you could respond, he had already left the cafe.
fuck. what had you gotten yourself into?
—
you heard a loud knock at your door the next day at 4:30pm exactly. not a second later, which was what you expected from sunghoon.
you were nervous. you didn’t know what to do with yourself. the outfit you were wearing was what you had settled on after trying three different outfits. why had you bothered so much when it was just park sunghoon? but that was the issue, it was him and that’s why you had felt so bothered.
you smoothed your dress as you opened the door.
and there he was. stood, tall and composed as ever. his hair windswept, but neatly kept. his coat engulfed him and in his hand was a drink holder with two drinks.
“hi,” you breathed.
“hi.” he smiled as he raised the cup to hand it to you.
It was your favourite drink.
“how did you know?” you ask genuinely.
“i noticed you drink it a lot.” he said simply.
he had noticed your drink order, whether this was from your TA days or from recently you didn’t know, but it had made your heart feel warm.
you smiled as you drank, it was still as good as always. he had even remembered the extra shot of vanilla that you had always added.
you guided sunghoon to sit on your sofa and you sat next to him.
a quiet, comforting silence fell as you both sipped on your drinks.
“well… we should probably discuss how we’re gonna do things.” you started, picking up your journal which you had scribbled a few notes onto.
“you made notes for fake dating?” a gentle smile tugged at his lips.
“don’t blame me for wanting to be organised.” you laughed as you tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear, a nervous habit of yours.
“rule one: no excessive pda. i think we can both agree on that one.”
“and what do you mean by excessive?” he questioned.
“like being overly touchy, it will look like too much.” he nodded at your words.
“so… what pda are we allowing?” and then he continued, “hugging?”
“when necessary, yes.” you nervously said, gauging his response.
he seemed calm and just agreed as if it was the easiest thing in the world.
“holding hands?”
“yes.”
“arm around your waist?”
your breath caught at that.
“yeah, that’s fine.” but internally you thought this was the worst idea you have ever gone through with.
sunghoon nodded as if this was an academic discussion and he was agreeing with your idea.
“anything else?” he asked.
“no mixed signals.” you finally settled on.
“what do you mean by that?”
“this is fake and we should keep it that way.” you looked down as you said it and missed how sunghoon gritted his teeth at that.
“understood.”
“also, we probably shouldn’t date anyone else while we do this…” you spoke softly.
his eyes snapped towards yours.
“agreed.” the answer came so suddenly and quickly.
you blinked, “it would just make things complicated.”
“it would.” his voice lowered and you felt your legs clench. this was no good. how would you get through this when even his voice was affecting you?
you looked at your journal and paused.
“so…” he noticed your hesitation but waited patiently for you to continue.
“there’s one more issue…” you began, “kissing…”
and suddenly it was so tense you could cut it with a knife.
“...right.” he says after a short moment.
because of course there would be kissing. couples kissed all the time and that’s what people would expect of you both.
the thought alone made your stomach twist.
“well… we don’t have to exactly-” you started, trying to explain your rationale.
“i know.”
“but if we do it at the party and it looks awkward-” your cheeks flush as you continue.
“it’ll look fake.” he finishes now understanding the issue.
your eyes meet his.
“exactly.” you laughed nervously.
“we should practice.” the words leave his mouth calmly. as if he didn’t just turn your whole world upside down with that one sentence.
“...practice.” you say weakly, this was a horrible idea. why were you torturing yourself in such a way?
“yes.” he stared directly at you.
your heart was racing now.
“this is either a very good idea or a bad idea.” you chuckled nervously.
“i haven’t decided yet.” sunghoon said deep in thought.
The honesty made you feel worse.
you swallowed hard and before you could change your mind you nodded, “okay.”
sunghoon’s expression shifted for the quickest second, you suddenly became aware of the lack of space between you two.
he looks into your eyes before his gaze drops quickly to your lips for the briefest moment.
your legs brushed against his and you suddenly became aware of the faint smell of his cologne coming from him. a cool, musky clean scent that only made you want him closer to you.
he slowly raised his hand as if he was testing your reaction. his fingers gently brushed against your cheek, warm against your skin. his touch was gentle and smooth and you breath trembled as you leaned into his touch.
and for one moment it looked as if sunghoon looked completely undone by that alone.
his thumb rested near your jaw as he simply held you for a moment. you could not bring yourself to remind him that this was just practice and that was all it would be.
instead you nuzzled into his touch and felt his sudden inhale. his fingers trembled slightly as they drifted to trace your bottom lip gently with the pad of his finger, his gaze darkening as he watched intently.
“tell me to stop if you don’t want this.” he warned, giving you a reason to back out but you just nodded.
your eyes closed, a shaky breath left you and that snapped what little control sunghoon had left.
he pulled you closer and pressed his lips to yours.
slowly at first, but the moment yours moved against his, the kiss deepened. it became needier, your hands pressed at his chest as he kissed you as if you were the oxygen he needed to breathe. his tongue teased you, and you couldn’t help but let out a little moan at his ministrations on you.
when he finally pulled away he rested his forehead against yours now breathless.
you stared at each other, your lips swollen and pink and your eyes wide.
“that… was-” he breathlessly started.
“yeah…” you said, closing your eyes.
“pretty convincing.” sunghoon said quietly.
“right. practice.” you had remembered what had really happened. you were just practicing. none of this was real yet that had felt like the most realest thing you had ever experienced.
“practice.” he repeated, almost as if he was also trying to convince himself.
how were you going to survive on saturday?
—
you stared at yourself in the mirror as you fixed a strand of hair that had come loose. you spritzed your perfume and grabbed your phone and clutch. it wasn’t easy to calm your nerves down.
after what happened on your sofa, you weren’t so sure this was a good idea anymore but you couldn’t back out now.
your thoughts were disrupted by a sharp knock at your door.
you opened the door and exhaled.
it was as if you forgot how to breathe.
sunghoon stood dressed all in black.
his tailored suit clung to his body, a blue tie sat around his neck which suspiciously matched the colour of the dress you were wearing. he smelt like his cologne, it felt familiar already. his glasses sat on his nose and his hair was swept to the side.
the second he saw you he froze.
his eyes shamelessly followed the blue dress you were wearing that fit you perfectly.
the silence made your cheeks grow hotter.
“you okay?” you asked gently.
sunghoon just blinked, “you look… beautiful.”
your heart thumped in your chest.
“oh…” you breathed, “thank you.” you smoothed out your dress and nervously giggled.
“you look..” you started but your thoughts left your mind.
“…good.” you say weakly.
this sunghoon was affecting you so badly you didn’t know you would survive.
a faint smile reached his lips, “good?”
“you know what i mean.”
“i do.” he cleared his throat and held out his arm.
“ready?”
you nodded and grabbed his arm. it felt warm and strong and you couldn’t wrap your full arm around it. he definitely worked out… you thought to yourself.
—
the drive was quiet but not uncomfortable, sunghoon’s playlist played quietly through the speakers.
you sat beside him, and you felt his gaze on you occasionally before he focused on the road again.
“okay…” you began, “lets go over everything one more time.”
“debriefing on our fake dating rules…” sunghoon’s lips had the faint trace of amusement playing on it.
“we need to look believable.” you explained, “we can’t look forced.”
“we already do look believable.” sunghoon muttered.
you blushed at his words.
“you can hold my hand, put your arm around my waist and we can… kiss.” you said the last part in a rush but sunghoon just nodded.
“and our cover story is we met as ta’s and fell for each other.” you added.
“jake might wanna talk at some point, but i’m not sure if i want to yet.” sunghoon’s tight expression was not missed.
“how long were you together?” he asks.
“a few years in high school…” he nodded slowly taking in the information you had told him.
“that’s serious.”
“it was a long time ago… i just need to show him i’ve moved on.” your chest tightened at your words.
jake had known a version of you that had felt so long ago. you were no longer that wide eyed girl from high school that followed him around. a part of you thought you might never move on from jake. he was your first love after all. your first boyfriend, first kiss, all your firsts were with him. which is why it broke your heart when he had told you it wouldn’t work out. you were going to college in different parts of the country and he wasn’t willing to make the long distance relationship work.
it had taken you a long time to be okay. but even then a part of you longed for it again. sometimes you wondered whether it was jake you missed, or the idea of being in love. you hadn’t exactly figured it out with your string of failed first dates which didn’t lead to anywhere.
the closest you had felt to moving on was recently… not that you’d admit it. deep down, sunghoon had moved your heart in a way you hadn’t felt since… jake. if you had thought about it really hard, you had waited for him to make a move when you both had started out but he never did. then the doubt creeped in. he probably didn’t feel a thing towards you. in fact, it was perhaps your mind playing tricks on you, he was just nice. but then he had become a professor, and it had all ended. yeah you had spoke on the occasion, but it was never the same. you had never thought in your wildest dreams that you would be here today acting as his fake girlfriend.
it was as if you had to keep reminding yourself that this wasn’t real. he was just helping you out because he was nice. that’s all there was to it. and yes, you might have had a kiss that had changed the trajectory of your life, but that hadn’t meant that anything had changed. you still felt somewhat of a distance between you and sunghoon.
“oh god.” you whispered to yourself as sunghoon parked the car.
“you’re panicking…” sunghoon’s hand reached over to hold yours gently. “it’s going to be okay, y/n.” he finger rubbed gentle circles into your hand and you felt like you were going to melt there and then. he had no idea what he was doing to you.
you looked into his eyes and noticed his gaze was dropping to your lips.
“wait a moment…” he leaned over and used his finger to swipe the corner of your lips.
“lipgloss.” he said, now looking up to see your struck face.
he had leaned so close, you were certain he was going to kiss you again. his eyes widen for a moment before he starts to lean in for real this time.
“we should get going.” you say, breaking the moment immediately. sunghoon looks away for a moment and you miss how his hand clenches at the missed opportunity.
“yeah…” he gets out of the car, shutting his door and swiftly opens your car door, offering his arm to guide you out.
you gracefully take his arm and steady yourself on him with the heels you were wearing.
“hey, we’ve got this.” sunghoon reassures you as he loops your arm through his. You grip his arm as he guides you to the door.
–
the party had already started by the time you had gotten inside. people were mingling, champagne chutes in their hands as the soft jazz music played.
“you were invited to jay’s party too, weren’t you?” you question sunghoon as he guides you to the drinks.
“yeah, he’s head of faculty which is why i’m here, but i heard it’s not the same for you?” sunghoon asks.
“me and jay used to go to high school together.” you confess, “we’ve known each other for years.”
“oh so that’s how you know him… and that’s why your ex is here?” sunghoon concludes.
you nod, “we were all high school friends, and we’ve all ended up in the education sector which is kind of funny when you think about.”
you notice that sunghoon’s gaze is now preoccupied. he’s staring in the opposite direction and when you look, your heart stops.
sim jaeyun.
jake.
he looks as beautiful as ever, his tailored suit clung to him well, and his soft brown hair curled behind his ears. his glasses rested at his nose and suddenly his eyes caught yours and he froze. his eyes drifted down to sunghoon’s arm around your waist and an expression of hurt flashed across his face before it became unreadable. he began to walk towards you and you felt as if your heart was in your throat.
“that’s him. jake.” you pointed out to sunghoon as he quietly watched jake approach.
“...sunghoon?” jake looked to sunghoon and you gaped.
“you know each other?” you asked in disbelief.
“sunghoon is one of my best friends.” jake said, confused at the two of you.
“jake.” sunghoon looked equally confused. how small was the world that your ex jake, was sim jaeyun, his good university friend?
fuck. you were so screwed.
how could you pretend to be dating when he clearly knows the both of you?
you felt sunghoon’s grip tighten on your arm and then he began.
he smiled slowly at jake and pulled you closer to his side his arm now slung around your waist, “this is my girlfriend, y/n.” you could feel tingles up your arm and you could only look at him.
“...hi jake.” you said quietly, you gasped as you felt a quick press of sunghoon’s lips to your forehead. a sweet kiss that would be normal for couples but you felt as if you were going crazy.
he had called you his girlfriend and then had kissed you in front of jake too. how had he recovered so quickly? It was as if it was so natural to him, as if loving you was as easy as breathing. your heart clenched at his actions, this was getting worse for your heart. you knew already going into this of your lingering feelings towards sunghoon, and now this had blown everything all open. how could you go back to being friends when you had already felt the taste of his lips? you were utterly screwed.
“when did this happen?” jake asks pointing to sunghoon’s arm around you.
“we fell for each other when we were ta’s.” you explain, looking lovingly into sunghoon’s eyes.
“i fell for y/n the moment i saw her, and i think i have been falling ever since.” sunghoon’s words echoed in your mind. this wasn’t real. what he said wasn’t true. it couldn’t be. he couldn’t have been in love with you this whole time. he had drifted from your cover story, why had he done that?
it’s almost as if he can notice you spiraling at his words and swiftly changes the subject.
“have you seen heeseung hyung yet?” sunghoon asked jake.
“yes, he came in with mina earlier.” so somehow jake knew heeseung too. how did things get this twisted? you sighed at the thought.
sunghoon was now just holding your hand but rubbing gentle circles like he did in the car. it was calming you down, it had felt so warm you didn’t want to let go.
already your rule of excessive pda had been broken. but how could you stop? sunghoon’s touch felt so loving and it wasn’t as if he was bothered. you were making excuses but it didn’t matter. that could be dealt with later.
“so you’re still working in busan?” sunghoon asked politely, snapping you out of your daydream.
“not anymore actually.” jake replied, you listened intently.
“sunghoon, i was actually gonna let you know with the guys, but jay got me in contact with professor yang.” he explained animatedly with his hands like he always used to.
“i’m joining the physics department next week.” jake looks pleased but you couldn’t stop the horrified expression from coming on your face.
your stomach dropped.
he was joining the university.
that meant faculty meetings, lunchtimes, he would be there. and so would you and sunghoon. were you supposed to act at work now too?
you felt sunghoon’s hand grip yours a bit tighter at his words.
“guess i’ll be seeing you guys a lot more soon.” jake smiled genuinely. god you were gonna be sick. how had this all gone so terribly wrong?
this wasn’t just one night anymore. this suddenly had consequences.
“that’s good news.” sunghoon quickly replied, patting jake on the back.
“yeah i’m excited. it’ll be nice having some familiar faces around.” jake grinned at you as he said it.
sunghoon’s silence became obvious. jake cleared his throat, “well.”
“i better get going, gotta greet the birthday boy.” he laughed and walked away into the crowd.
you immediately let go of sunghoon’s hand and let your arms drop to your side.
“he’s joining the university.”
“i heard.”
“we can’t stop.” your words came tumbling out before you could stop them.
if you had stopped this now there would be too many questions. you would have to explain it to jake and you didn’t want to do that.
“do you want to stop?” sunghoon suddenly asks, making your head snap in his direction.
he’s giving you an out.
“i don’t know…” you admitted.
“we’ll figure this out, y/n.” the low reassurance in his voice made you feel better but somehow you were realising how you didn’t want this to end at all.
–
on monday morning, you entered campus with sunghoon by your side. trying to not let it freak you out, that he was holding your coffee and standing close next to you.
people started to notice and of course they began to chatter.
the infamously, cold park sunghoon was carrying coffee and trailing after you. The students could not believe it. how was this the same professor who would coldly stare someone down for talking in the middle of his seminar? he actually looked… happy.
he mindlessly spoke about his day, and how he was looking forward to doing his seminar on chaucer for his second years. you watched as he quietly described how the students had prepared presentations last week, they had actually done better than he had expected. it was so easy to watch him speak about the things he was passionate about. you could really tell how much he loved his job and it just made you like him even more.
“you know everyone is staring at us.” you whisper.
“that’s the whole point.” he whispered back.
you walked into the faculty building together and heeseung spotted you right away.
at first he did a double take at your closeness and then grew smug.
“oh my god…” he whispered, “did you guys actually hit it off?”
you blushed instantly, “stop!”
sunghoon remained unbothered as he sipped on his coffee.
“oh yeah jake is starting today, did you hear sunghoon?” heeseung said absentmindedly, fiddling with his rings.
“yeah, he told me last night.” sunghoon muttered.
“lee heeseung.” you started. heeseung looked up in alarm. you never called him by his full name.
“when were you going to tell me that jake is in fact sim jaeyun?” you grit your teeth together.
“yeah that’s his real name, what about it?” heeseung asked confusedly.
“sim jaeyun is my jake.” you breathed, “my ex.”
sunghoon froze at your words but schooled his expression.
“he’s what?!” he shouted, “did you know about this?” he gestured to sunghoon.
“i found out at the party.” sunghoon shrugged.
“what do you mean your ex boyfriend is his best friend?” heeseung pointed out.
“i know.” you sighed.
“oh that’s sick actually… you’re fake dating your ex’s best friend.” heeseung teased.
“that makes it sound really bad.”
“it really is bad…
heeseung continued, “no but this is insane…” he continued, “i expected awkwardness and maybe some flirting but not… this.” he said pointing to your arms that were touching closely.
“wow first year TA y/n would be going crazy.” heeseung laughed and you slapped his arm angrily.
heeseung’s held his arm in pain as you gave him your best ‘don’t test me’ face.
sunghoon blinked at your antics.
“hey! what was that for?” he rubbed his arm where you had hit it.
“watch what you say.” you hissed under your breath.
“what does he mean?” sunghoon asked, and then you wanted to jump into a hole and hide forever.
“he doesnt-“
“well you see in her first year y/n had like the bigggggest-“ you elbow heeseung so hard in the stomach he lets out a wheeze and dramatically holds onto his stomach and lets out a yell.
“oh my god.” sunghoon checks on heeseung but he’s already up.
“she elbowed me.” he croaked, still getting his breath back.
“you deserved it.”
“i was going to say biggest academic rivalry!” heeseung spat.
you rolled your eyes, “you’re a liar.”
“you just tried to kill me!” he laughed as he held his belly.
“you’ll survive.” you say dryly.
sunghoon cracked a rare smile at your behaviour and you felt your heart burst.
“and what was he trying to say now?” he asked, intently looking for your answer.
“nothing!” you blurted immediately.
“that reaction says the opposite.” heeseung wheezed. you threw your death glare and he finally shut up.
“i can’t believe you attacked your supervisor, TWICE. i could get you fired, you know!” heeseung dramatically rubbed his stomach and arm.
you ignored him.
“you know what? fine! keep your secrets.” he pointed at you gingerly, “but when this turns into a 200k slow burn fake dating to lovers, i will take all the credit!”
sunghoon laughs quietly under his breath.
you and heeseung gaped at his laughter that usually wouldn’t show.
“oh yeah he’s gone gone.” heeseung pointed.
“leave.” sunghoon said flatly.
your face burned even hotter as he scurried away with his office hours starting in 5 minutes.
“so… what was that about?” sunghoon genuinely asks and you don’t even know what you should say.
“it’s nothing…” you try explain but how could you?
“it sounded like he was going to say crush.” sunghoon said thoughtfully.
you choked on your gulp of coffee and coughed, “what?”
sunghoon looked at you again, calmly, “he said biggest and only a crush would make sense.”
your heartbeat thumps in your throat.
“well thats-” you start, “…nothing.” you say weakly.
sunghoon leans in closer, “you know you get really violent when someone tries to reveal a secret about you.”
your eyes widened.
“i dont know what you’re talking about.” you deflected.
“liar.” he whispered in your ear.
the word came out teasingly. softer. and that made it worse.
because now sunghoon was looking at you and you could tell all your first year memories were flowing through his mind. all your late night conversations, every stare and moment.
he just smiled.
then his gaze focused on whatever was behind you both.
his expression changed slightly before he grabbed your hand, slightly squeezing it as if he was preparing you.
it was jake.
he looked unfairly good, his wavy brown hair tucked behind his ears, and his thick frames that sit on his face. he wore a dark coat, coffee in one hand as he held his books in the other.
he scanned the room and his eyes landed on you.
his eyes softened and then he smiled.
his breathtaking smile. the one you had fallen for all those years ago.
“hey.” the words echoed through the hallway as he made his way to you both.
sunghoon went still. he just watched.
your hand was still in his. his thumb was rubbing gentle circles into it and you hadn’t realised till now.
he had pulled you closer to his body and jake had noticed too.
something unreadable flashed across his face but then came his easy smile.
“there you are.” jake said casually, “i was looking for you, i got lost 3 times on campus already!”
“that sounds like you,” sunghoon said wryly.
jake scoffed, “you’re very unsympathetic for someone who convinced me to apply for this job.”
“you signed the contract.” sunghoon shrugged slightly.
the atmosphere shifted slightly at sunghoon’s coldness.
jake looked towards you now, “we didn’t get to talk much the other night but it’s good to see you, y/n” his voice soft as ever.
jake was still as kind as ever.
“it’s good to see you too.” you smiled.
sunghoon’s thumb stopped moving and you noticed immediately.
“maybe we could get coffee sometimes?” jake shrugged, “catch up together.”
your eyes widened.
“oh-”
“she’s busy.” the answer came from sunghoon who now sounded colder. flat, a hint of possessiveness lying underneath.
jake blinked, “i… didn’t ask you.”
“she still doesn’t have time.”
you stared at sunghoon and his reaction, “you don’t know my schedule.”
“i know you’re busy.” sunghoon stared at you carefully.
jake let out a little laugh at you both.
“you two are pretty close.”
“we’re dating.” sunghoon said smoothly.
“yeah. i can see.” jake nodded towards your intertwined hands and general closeness. his tone feels a bit defeated but before you can think about that too much sunghoon catches your attention again.
he brings your hand close to his lips and presses a soft kiss to your hand.
jake looks at you both, “well, i’ll stop interrupting your morning.”
“you’re not.”
“thanks.”
you both answered at the same time. you furrowed your eyebrows at sunghoon’s words.
jake just laughed softly under his breath.
that only made things worse, because now sunghoon looked annoyed.
“i’ll see you both around.” sunghoon nodded, but you noticed that jake’s eyes lingered on you for a moment.
he looked down at your hands that were interlocked with sunghoon’s and his smile dropped for the quickest moment before he smiled again and walked away.
—
it had been two weeks of fake dating and you were dying. It was as if sunghoon was really your boyfriend. you came to school with each other, ate lunch, spent your free periods together and it didn’t just end there.
you had started going out together, it had began with going to see the newest adaptation of jane eyre in cinema. there wasn’t anyone to go with and sunghoon had offered.
it ended up being a great time, you had both bickered over the film’s portrayal of mr rochester but enjoyed how well it had stuck with its original source. what was interesting was how sunghoon kept his arm around you the whole night despite there being no reason to do so. you hadn’t mentioned it, but even you were becoming more aware of how domestic this was beginning to get.
but it wasn’t just that. the intensity of his touches had you going insane. how were you supposed to be okay, when he was leading you with his arm slung around your waist? his touch ignited something inside you and it could be felt by sunghoon undoubtedly. it was noticed, especially in the way he reacted one night when you had opened your door in just your shorts and tank top not expecting company. his eyes had darkened at the sight of you and he had muttered out an apology before trying to leave.
“wait… do you want to come inside for a drink?” you had asked him, opening the door to invite him in.
you knew what you were doing, you were wearing your tiny shorts and a tank top that was surely showing your body off.
“…okay.” he murmured as he entered your place.
you guided him to the sofa you had kissed on just weeks ago and went to get him a drink from the fridge.
when you came back, his coat was slung on a nearby chair and he was sat in his tight white button down and black slacks that made your mouth water.
you settled his drink in front of him and sat close to him.
you felt his breath stop as he felt your bare leg against his.
neither of you touched your drinks and the air got heavy in your silence.
you exhaled slowly, “we’ve been dancing around this for a while haven’t we?”
sunghoon’s eyes landed on you, “what do you mean by that?”
you laughed nervously, “i mean…” you began, “…maybe we should just get this out of our systems.”
sunghoon stared at you. he gulped.
you swallowed, “we should sleep together.”
sunghoon’s eyes grew heavier and darker, “you think that will fix this?”
“probably not…” you admitted.
“then why suggest it?”
because you’re all i think about? because everytime you touch me i feel like i’m flying? because i have never wanted someone as bad as i want you.
instead you whisper, “because i don’t know what else to do.”
sunghoon’s eyes widened and then softened at you.
his jaw clenched as if he was trying to control himself but it wasn’t working anymore.
“you have no idea how hard this has been for me.” he growled lowly.
you felt your belly pool with heat.
“say it again.” sunghoon demanded, now staring into your eyes closely.
your throat felt dry, “what?”
“tell me what you want.”
“i… want you.” you declared breathlessly.
sunghoon moved instantly, pulling your face close to press his lips to yours. this time it was heated, his tongue slipped into yours and you were both making obscene noises.
his hands roamed all over your body from your waist back to your chest. he brushed against your breasts with his thumbs, and you moaned into his mouth.
you tangled your hands into his soft, black hair pulling him closer.
sunghoon pulled apart reluctantly, his hair fell into his eyes. “please tell me you’ve wanted this as much as i have?
you nodded, “i wanted this so badly.”
he kissed you even deeper and this time took off your shirt to expose your breasts to the cold air. he palmed your chest with his warm hands. your nipples immediately hardened at the contact. he circled it with his thumbs and watched as your head rolled back. this time he attacked your neck with kisses and bites as he tweaked with your hardened tits.
“yes, fuck that feels so good.” you moaned into his ear.
he looked up as he popped one of your nipples in his mouth. you nodded as he began sucking hard and massaging the other with his hand.
“your tits are perfect. made just for me.” he groaned.
he teased and bit you till your breasts looked swollen and puffy from his attention.
“i’ve been dreaming about this. for so long.” sunghoon revealed, you were so hazy from the lust you couldn’t even focus on his words.
“please touch me…” you begged.
“where? tell me where?” he growled.
“here…” your hands drifted to your panties before he slapped them out of the way.
“use your words, princess.” he demanded.
“please touch my pussy,” sunghoon pulled your shorts and panties off at an alarming speed.
he dipped his fingers inside, moaning when he found you drenched. his fingers slid in through your arousal collecting all your juices.
“fuck. you’re so wet for me. it’s like this pussy was made for me.” he groaned as he found your clit and began rubbing tight circles, watching as your mouth opened. carefully waiting, before he pushed two fingers inside slowly and deliberately.
you moaned loudly as he curled his fingers hitting that spot that made you see stars. gripping his hand as his thumb rubbed your clit, you were getting so close. he latched his mouth to your nipple at the same time and you felt like you were close.
the pressure kept building and building till he added a third finger stretching you out completely.
“fuck, you’re gonna cum all over my fingers aren’t you.” he whispered in your ear.
you nodded quickly, crying as you came all around him. he pulled out his hand gently and brought his fingers to his lips. he sucked them and moaned at the sweet taste of you.
“tastes so good. even better than i imagined.” he confessed.
you sat up this time now panting heavily as you pushed sunghoon back on his side of the sofa. he landed with a thud and watched with hazy eyes as your hands trailed up to his pants and onto his belt. you made quick work of his belt and pulled his pants half way down. you crawled right between his legs and looked up into his eyes as you took his huge, leaky cock into your hand.
sunghoon hissed as he watched you pump it up and down with your fingers, spitting on it to get it all ready.
“how bad do you want it?” you teased, looking sunghoon into his eyes as your fingers grazed his leaky slit.
“so bad. need you so bad.” he begged now playing with the strands of your hair.
you leaned down and took him into your mouth. his head fell back as you started slow. just licking the head and swirling your tongue around it before taking him deeper in your mouth. your hand pumped the base as you moved up and down sucking harder. he was thick, hot and filling your throat so well you were moaning as you took him down your throat.
his hands threaded through your hair as he he gripped it tightly and began bobbing your head on his cock.
“just like that. fuck.” he panted as he watched you gag on his dick from taking him all the way down. you picked up the pace and let sunghoon fuck your face and felt him pulse on your tongue.
“i’m close angel, tell me where you want it?” sunghoon asked breathlessly.
you didn’t pull off, you looked at him. your eyes now watering and kept sucking. he came with a loud moan and noticed how you swallowed every drop of his cum.
“fuck you’re so perfect for me.” sunghoon stared, his chest now heaving.
you smiled, “let’s take this to the bedroom.”
he nodded and gathered you into his arms carrying you to your bed.
dropping you onto the mattress, he ripped off his shirt and watched as you stripped out of what you had left on. sunghoon knelt at the bed and dragged your legs closer to him.
“it’s my turn to taste you, baby.”
he buried his face in between your thighs, his tongue flat against your clit licking up all your juices. you were wet again from sucking him off and he couldn’t believe how lucky he was.
you cried out as he thrust his tongue inside and licked like his life depended on it. your gripped his hair tightly as you felt yourself coming again. you screamed as you came for the second time that night.
you rose up this time and pulled him closer to you. you pushed his body against your headboard and positioned yourself over him. you looked into his eyes as you reached down between yourselves. wrapping your fingers around his shaft, you felt it pulsing as you guided the head to your entrance. you teased it with your folds flicking it through your folds and then you sank down.
“fuck.” he grunted as you took him inch by inch, your tight walls stretching to accommodate his girth. sunghoon’s hands rested at your waist, fingers digging into your hips as you bottomed out, his cock now buried into you.
“you feel so fucking good, hoonie.” you moaned as you began to move. you rose till the head rested at your hole and slid back with a wet and deliberate slowness that made you both shudder. now you took control and set a rhythm that was deep, you rolled your hips as you grinded down onto his cock.
sunghoon’s hands roamed around your body, sliding from your hips to your tits. fingers tweaking at your nipples that made them even harder. you leaned forward and wrapped your arms around sunghoon, and wrapped your legs taking him even deeper into you. sunghoon could feel your breasts pressed completely against him as you bounced on his dick. he moaned and didn’t hesitate as you began to slow as you got tired.
he took over and gripped your ass with both hands as he began to thrust upwards, hitting you in places that had never been reached before. sweat slicked on your skins as you melted into one body. your legs tightened against his body holding him closely as he fucked into you.
his mouth found yours and the kiss felt hungry and desperate. nothing like what you had practiced. he swallowed you up and bit against your lips as he moaned. he chased your peaks and got faster and faster, his kisses had now turned into bruises at your neck as he got closer.
“i’m so close. fuck.” he groaned against your lips.
“me too, don’t stop hoonie please.” you begged as you let him use you completely.
he drove into you with everything he had, his hands gripping so tightly they were definitely leaving bruises. locking your legs around him as your buried your face into his shoulder. moans muffled as you the wave crashed over you. your pussy clenched around him, milking him as he began to empty himself inside you. hot ropes of his cum filled you up as he held you closely to himself. his face breathing in the gentle scent of your shampoo as he pressed his face into your hair.
you both stayed like that for a moment, tangled together and breathing deeply. his cock softened inside you as it recovered from the residual tremors of your walls around him.
finally you lifted your head and smiled, “you good?”
“yeah… i’m good.” sunghoon laughed as he pressed a quick kiss to your lips that you weren’t expecting.
he pulled out slowly as you collapsed against his chest. your body now limp and leaking his cum all over your thighs.
“you’re incredible.” he murmured into your hair, “so perfect.”
you smiled against his chest, “you were so good to me.”
he held you closely and you felt yourself drifting to sleep. you felt him stroking your hair, praising you, calling you his. when you felt yourself stirring, he kissed your shoulder and rubbed your back till you felt yourself falling asleep again. he had gotten a warm cloth and had cleaned you as you slept.
when you woke up again, you felt your head resting against sunghoon’s chest. his fingers traced shapes against your shoulder as he felt his slow breathing match yours.
you both didn’t say much.
sunghoon lazily traced his fingers against your arms before shifting slightly.
“you should go pee.” he nagged.
you lazily looked up, “hmm?”
“i don’t want you getting sick.” his expression stayed serious.
a sleepy laugh escaped you as you nodded.
you smiled as you forced yourself out of bed with a groan. you shivered at the feeling of cold against your naked skin. you looked around seeing if there was anything around you could put on. spotting sunghoon’s discarded white button down, you lazily put it on not thinking much as you did the buttons.
it smelled like sunghoon, like his faint cologne and detergent, just him.
then you quickly slip to the bathroom not realising the effect you just had on sunghoon.
he stayed still and tried not to think about how fucking good you looked wearing his shirt.
he had failed so badly.
because when you returned a few minutes later rubbing your eyes, sunghoon felt his soul leave his body.
the oversized shirt slung off the side of your shoulder the sleeves covering your hands. your bare legs peeked out, hair still messy and your neck littered in marks thanks to him.
you stopped halfway to the bed when you noticed him staring, “what?” you asked self-consciously touching your face in case you had something on it.
sunghoon blinked slowly as he’d gotten caught. then his eyes dragged over you again before he could stop himself.
“you’re wearing my shirt…” he pointed out, his voice sounding rougher than before.
“i was cold.” you said nervously rubbing your arms.
“i can see.” he gazed at your perky tits that were poking through his white shirt.
you blushed as you wrapped you arms around yourself.
“come here.” he says suddenly.
sunghoon lifted the duvet beside him and invited you to come in.
you crawled into bed slowly but the second you settled beside him his arm wrapped around your waist pulling you closer to him. you breathed out as sunghoon carefully tucked you into the blanket. you went still as his hands slipped past and rested at your stomach. he was hugging you.
“are you feeling warmer?” he asked.
“yes… thank you.” you nodded softly and found yourself getting sleepy again.
sunghoon began humming gently, he started to sing a song that had sounded vaguely familiar to you. his voice sounded so sweet you could only rest your head against his chest as you drifted to sleep.
“i love you…” he whispered. but you had already fallen asleep. he pressed a chaste kiss to your forehead and let the words that were said to linger in the air.
–
you had said it was a one time thing. just something to get the tension out of your systems, so you could go back to normal.
except things didn’t go back to normal, because three days later you found yourself at sunghoon’s apartment with food and somehow ended up in his lap again.
the next week, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and he then bent you over his desk.
it had gotten to the point where you were casually sleeping together and even though you’d both whispered it would be the last time it never was. you never talked about what you were. you still fake dated, but now you’d be finding any excuse to be close to him. it was as if this had started a chain reaction. once you had it, you couldn’t get enough of it. you thought sunghoon probably felt the same, with the way he so eagerly kissed you back everytime you knocked at his door.
but now things started getting blurry.
sunghoon started keeping your favourite drinks in his apartment fridge.
he had bought his spare toothbrush and stuck it in your bathroom without a word.
he had started texting you every morning without you realising it. in fact, you found yourself missing him when he wasn’t around.
and then there was jake.
it really did feel harmless at first. jake had always been thoughtful and kind.
there was a reason you had fallen for him all of those years ago.
he remembered things, small details that others would forget.
like how you hated cucumbers, and how he had pointed it out one lunch, when you were eating a salad bowl sunghoon had bought for you.
“she doesn’t eat cucumbers.” jake pointed out, grabbing the cucumber and popping it into his mouth.
sunghoon looked at you with confusion, “you don’t?”
your cheeks flushed, “i don’t but you bought it for me so of course i’d eat them.”
“i’ll remember that for next time…” sunghoon said, quietly.
and then jake began bringing you coffee when you were in the faculty office.
“just dropping this off,” jake smiled as he placed the cup in front of you.
“oh my god!” you gasped bringing the coffee to your lips and taking a sip.
“you looked tired earlier,” he admitted casually, grinning at your response.
“you remembered?” you said excitedly.
“the extra shot of vanilla.” jake laughed.
–
sunghoon felt like he was intruding. he was just sat on the desk nearby watching it all unfold. he knew that. that you liked an extra shot of vanilla. so why did it hurt to know that jake knew it too?
he watched as you both laughed at a memory jake had bought up, and felt a pit of jealousy start to grow.
he had started to notice it, the way jake was doing these little things for you.
he had even seen him handing you your favourite snack after a meeting because “you always used to eat these while studying.”
he had heard from you that jake would walk you out from the faculty building because “it was dark out.”
none of it had crossed any lines but it bothered sunghoon more than he would like to admit.
sunghoon could notice the years of familiarity around each other, the way you had even finished each other’s sentences off, and the way jake had made you laugh like sunghoon had never seen before. it was so natural that it made him feel worse, because all you had was a fake relationship and words that were left unsaid.
it finally got to him one evening when jake had asked sunghoon out for drinks.
heeseung had already left saying he was picking up his girlfriend, jay had left then too citing his busy work schedule that was piling up. sunoo had tapped out quickly, he was meeting up with jungwon and riki for karaoke and didn’t want to miss out. which left jake and sunghoon sat together alone nursing their beers.
jake stared at his drink before he spoke, “you really like her, don’t you?”
sunghoon looked over immediately.
“we’re dating.”
jake gave him a look, “that’s not what i mean.”
sunghoon looked away first.
jake exhaled, “you know, seeing her again felt really nostalgic.”
he smiled softly, “she still laughs the same,”
“buys too many books that she can’t finish, still gets too quiet when she gets overwhelmed.”
every word felt like stab in his chest.
jake knew everything about you.
“and i know it’s terrible of me, but seeing you guys together made me realise i never truly got over her.”
sunghoon felt his jaw tighten.
“and i think i owe it to her to say it,” jake said finally.
“you had years to say something.” sunghoon said cooly.
jake nodded, “i know.”
“when we broke up in high school, i handled it really badly.” jake started.
“she loved me a lot back then, and i left things unfinished because i thought one day we would find our way back to each other.”
jake shook his head, “that wasn’t fair to her.”
sunghoon breathed deeply as he kept listening.
“and then being close to her again, seeing her like i used to bought all these feelings rushing back. i realised i’m still in love with her.” the words landed heavy.
gripping his bottle tightly, he felt suddenly like he couldn’t breathe.
“but i’m not telling you this because i expect something to happen,” he said quickly, “i know she’s with you.”
that only made sunghoon’s heart ache even more.
if only jake knew the truth, and whether he knew how complicated this was all getting.
jake rubbed at his neck, “i just think she deserves honesty from me for once.”
sunghoon cleared his throat, ”and if she doesn’t feel the same?”
“then she doesn’t” he said sadly.
“i just needed to tell you first sunghoonie, i’m not trying to ruin things but i just think this is what i need to do.” he said finally.
sunghoon breathed in deeply then nodded.
how could he fight this? jake wasn’t doing this maliciously. he was truly in love with y/n which was what made this hurt more.
“she’s probably over me…” jake said bitterly, taking a swig of his beer.
sunghoon couldn’t say a word, he couldn’t answer for you. for all he knew, this might be the thing you were waiting for. he had loved you this whole time, you both had history. how could he even compete?
sunghoon swallowed, “are you going to tell her?”
jake was silent for a short moment, “...yes.”
–
that night, sunghoon could not sleep. he tossed and turned and thought about what jake had told him. he had thought about all the time you had spent together. your relationship was not even real, it would never even equate to what you had with jake and he knew it. sunghoon was just a fake boyfriend who had stupidly been in love with you this whole time. he just didn’t know how to tell you.
so he didn’t.
he began pulling away slightly.
not answering your texts right away like he usually did. skipping nights at yours because he was ‘busy’. making excuses to not have you over like you used to. and of course you noticed. you started thinking he was getting bored of you. that he was getting tired of playing your boyfriend but you were to scared to say anything. it was scary, you didn’t want this all to implode just when you had started to understand your own feelings.
you had fallen for sunghoon, you think you had all those years ago, and now you were finally admitting it. he made you feel good truly, like you were the only person in his orbit. it was as if you had forgotten the true reason for getting into a fake relationship in the first place. how could you even look at someone else when sunghoon had captured your heart in such a way?
but telling him felt wrong, he came into this expecting a fake relationship, you had broken one of the many rules you had laid down in the first place. so you let it fester, even though he was pulling back you couldn’t find it in yourself to bring it up.
your phone buzzed one saturday morning, you checked it quickly hoping it was sunghoon.
JAKE: hey y/n, would you wanna get that coffee now?
your heart deflated. it was just jake. you had no plans so you quickly typed a response.
Y/N: sure, at our local spot?
JAKE: yes, see you there y/n!!!!!
he seemed excited. it was nice to catch up with jake these days, it reminded you a lot of your high school days. but a part of you wanted to know what sunghoon was doing. whether he was busy or perhaps meeting with friends. you just wanted to know everything about him.
as you grabbed your keys, you tugged on your coat and prepared yourself for the cold walk. it took you longer than usual, you entered the cafe and looked around.
sitting in the corner of the cafe, with his drink piping hot in front of him, was jake.
he wore a soft jumper and jeans, his brown hair was styled with the long parts tucked behind his ears. his thick framed glasses sat on the bridge of his nose, and you watched as he tapped a finger against his mug. he was nervous, you had noticed, it was one of his tells. he smiled as you approached and stood up quickly to help you into your chair. You thanked him and sat and saw a steaming mug of coffee in front of you. he had ordered for you already, you sipped on it politely but made a face at the sweetness of it.
“i put 2 sugars in, it’s how you usually take it.” jake tells you now concerned.
“oh… i don’t take sugar in my coffee anymore.” you said softly.
“i didn’t realise, sorry y/n. should i get you a new mug?” he stood up but you quickly reassured him it was okay.
“i think sunghoon has rubbed off on me.” you smiled, you didn’t notice how jake’s smile flickered slightly.
silence filled the air as you both sipped on your drinks.
“i think i made a mistake.” jake began.
you looked up in shook at his words.
“when we broke up in high school, i thought i was doing the right thing.” jake laughed softly.
you stayed silent.
rain had started to fall against the cafe windows.
“we were young.” he murmured, “i always thought if we ever broke up, we’d find our way back to each other.”
once upon a time, you had believed the same.
“and seeing you again…” he paused, “i realised i never stopped loving you.”
for a second you could have sworn sim jaeyun had just told you he was in love with you.
you blinked.
“i know the timing sucks.” he admitted, “and i know you’re with sunghoon.” his fingers gripped his cup, “i just needed to tell you the truth.”
your throat tightened, because you knew it was too late. your heartbroken teen self longed to hear this but it was far too late. he was your first love, your first heartbreak. a part of you believed he’d always have a place in your heart. but the hurt you were feeling was because you hated hurting him, not because you wanted him.
you looked down at your drink, “jake…”
he immediately knew from your tone.
you swallowed, “i did love you, a lot.”
jake had noticed how you had used past tense to talk about your love.
“and maybe a part of me always will hold you in my heart.”
you continued, “but i don’t think you’re truly in love with me.”
jake blinked in confusion.
“i think you’re in love with what we had.” you admit.
his expression shifted, he looked wounded at your words.
“you miss us.” you say quietly, “what we had, the comfort, the ease. the way we loved each other back then. but we’re not those people anymore.”
jake looked away.
“i loved you, i truly did.” you confess.
his face only shows hurt.
“loved…” he says bitterly.
“but i’ve fallen for someone else.” your mouth now feels dry, as you say the words that have been sitting in your mouth for weeks.
“i really fell for sunghoon.” you say softly, “it started out as this fake relationship, but along the way i found myself truly falling for him.”
a faint sad smile stayed on jake’s face.
“i found myself wanting to tell him everything about my day, i wanted to hold his hand when no one was around, and i found myself wanting to be with him even on my worst days.” the words come spilling out, as if you can no longer control them.
“i figured.” jake admitted, now looking down into his drink.
“you knew this was fake?” you questioned.
“I mean, it was kind of obvious, y/n.” he sighed, “i know you and him so well. sunghoon would have surely told me if he had started to date his crush of multiple years.”
you gaped at his words, “his… what?”
jake looks genuinely surprised, “you didn’t know? sunghoon always spoke of this TA that he really liked but was too nervous to make a move on. i just never knew it was you till that night.”
you’re still reeling from his words. “crush of multiple years.” sunghoon had fallen for you that long ago? was that why he had gone along with this stupid plan of yours despite having his reservations in the first place? you felt your heart swell at the thought, but that came crushing down.
he had been ignoring you. if anything he had grown bored of you and your relationship. there was no chance he felt the same way. especially now that you had used him. it wasn’t even to make jake jealous, you had just wanted to show him you had moved on but he had definitely assumed you were still in love with jake.
you look stricken for a moment and jake asks what’s wrong.
“i need to tell him.” you say suddenly, rising from your seat.
you grabbed your coat as jake looked at you in confusion and hurt.
“i’m sorry, jake.” you said softly.
jake could only smile sadly.
“i know.”
“i really hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve.” your words are honest and he nods.
and then you’re heading for the door. your heart pounding, but knowing that soon enough sunghoon will know the truth fills you with relief.
you head towards campus, sunghoon’s class should have finished. he’s either packing his things away in the classroom or in the faculty office.
deciding to head for his classroom first, you take a quick pace. the sky is grey and the clouds ready to cry tears of rain. the air feels cold against your skin, you feel alive. although, your palms feel sweaty and your knees ache, you force yourself to continue. if you don’t do this now, you may never get the chance to do it again. that is what spurs your forward, to the door of sunghoon’s classroom. you stop at the door and take a deep breath. what would you even say? you hadn’t planned this far and yet you were here.
you needed to tell him before it all went wrong, before he pulled away completely and this strange distance became permanent. because now you didn’t know how to live your life without sunghoon by your side.
the lights were still on, relief hit you instantly. it meant he hadn’t left just yet.
your stomach turned as you peaked through the open doorway. then you froze.
a grad student stood at sunghoon’s desk. they huddled over her laptop facing the opposite direction to you.
she was pretty. confident and laughing softly while leaning closer to sunghoon more than what was necessary.
sunghoon stood beside her looking down at the papers next to him, sleeves rolled up and his glasses sliding down his nose.
you watched as she casually touched his arm while smiling and you felt your chest ache.
the jealousy hit you so fast you felt silly.
what right did you have feeling like this?
there was nothing between you and sunghoon, there was no label.
but seeing him with another girl so comfortably made you feel so horrible inside.
especially after he spent weeks avoiding you.
you took a step back instinctively but it was too late. sunghoon turned around at exactly the wrong moment.
your eyes met instantly, you watched as his eyes softened, “y/n?”
it was too late, you turned around and walked away fast before he could say another word.
–
the light drizzle of rain had now turned into pellets against the windows as you rushed past the corridor.
this was terrible. you hated this, hated how much it hurt, hated how jealous you sounded about a student who you know sunghoon wouldn’t mess around with. most of all, you hated how much you loved sunghoon. and how it had hurt you so.
you burst through the doors and headed out into the rain, cold water soaked through your clothes while hot tears burned at the corner of your eyes.
“y/n!”
you kept walking.
“wait!”
wiping away your angry tears, you kept moving without looking back.
then suddenly, warm fingers wrapped around your wrist.
you gasped as sunghoon pulled you towards him under the arches near the literature building.
rain poured around you as sunghoon stood in front of you breathing heavily from chasing you.
his hair was damp and slightly curling at the edges, glasses splattered in rain.
“what happened?” he asked, immediately.
“nothing.” you say automatically.
“that’s obviously not true.”
“she’s pretty.” you laughed pathetically under your breath.
sunghoon blinked, “what?”
“your grad student.” you said ruefully.
“oh my god.” he ran a hand through the wet strands of his hair, “please, y/n she’s just my student.”
you stayed silent.
“it doesn’t mean anything.” he added quickly trying to explain himself, “i don’t think of her in that way.”
“well it doesn’t matter.” you exhale.
sunghoon frowned immediately, “what do you mean it doesn’t matter?”
“what we had wasn’t even real anyway, right?” you say laughing bitterly.
“don’t say that.” he demands. his expression now looked as if he had been hurt.
good.
maybe he could feel the absolute pain you had been feeling all these weeks.
“but it’s true.”
“y/n-”
“you’ve been pulling away from me for weeks.” the hurt in your voice shows.
sunghoon went still as he watched you wipe away your tears.
“if you wanted to end this eventually,” you began shakily, “i just wish you would have said something sooner.”
sunghoon looks confused, “end this?”
“you stopped staying over sunghoon,” you say helplessly, “you barely even touch me anymore and now there’s some pretty grad student flirting with you and-”
“she’s nothing to me.” he pleads.
you laugh weakly, “she’s beautiful.”
sunghoon just stares for a moment before his eyes soften.
“…you’re jealous.” he says, finally.
heat rushes to your cheeks.
“obviously, i’m jealous.” you spat.
sunghoon’s eyes widened as you continued, “i have been in love with you this whole time.”
the rain pounded on the floor nearby.
your voice trembled, “and this whole time i was falling for you, you just kept getting further away from me.”
sunghoon is stunned, “you’re… in love with me?”
“yes.” you cry, miserably.
“the way you held me after that night, the way you took care of me like i really mattered- no one has ever treated me that way.” you whispered.
sunghoon stared at you like he couldn’t comprehend what you were saying.
“what about jake?” he whispered.
“what?” you blinked.
sunghoon’s jaw tightened, “he told you how he felt.”
oh. oh.
sunghoon had known about his confession.
“i know he did.” you carefully admit.
“and?” sunghoon questions, his eyes searching for an answer.
your heart shattered. is that what had happened? the distance sunghoon had created was because he knew about jake’s feelings?
he thought jake still had a chance?
“sunghoon.” you step forward and closer to him now.
you grab his hand and hold it tightly in yours, “it was never jake.”
you shake your head, “i loved him a long time ago, but that’s not what this is.”
“it’s you,” you whisper, “you’re the one i want, sunghoon.”
sunghoon pulls you towards him, his hands reaching for your face as he pulls you into a bruising kiss.
one hand tangles into the wet strands of your hair while the other holds your face gently like he can’t let go of you ever again.
it was messy, full of relief and you gasped as he kissed you deeper. like he needed to prove this was real and that he couldn’t believe you had chosen him.
he parts from you reluctantly and rests his forehead against yours.
“i have been in love with you since we were TA’s.” he confesses breathlessly.
your breath caught at his words.
“i was a coward and didn’t know how to ask you out. and then you came to me with that proposal…” he says thoughtfully, “how could i have ever said no? but then being near you again and being the way we used to made me realise how i never wanted to let you go.” he presses a sweet kiss to your forehead.
“i know i did this all wrong, but will you please give me a chance and allow me to be your boyfriend?” he pleads, waiting for your answer.
“you idiot.” you whisper tearfully.
a smile finally breaks on his face, “i would love that.”
and then he kissed you again.
this time it was filled with love, happiness and relief.
sunghoon kissed you like he loved you. with everything in his body, all the soft touches, careful moments and every look he gave when he thought you hadn't noticed. it was all there.
he kissed you like you were really his. and now you were.
—
heeseung had found out completely accidentally.
which only offended him even more.
“you couldn’t have told me?” he demanded stood in front of you both.
sunghoon was grading papers in the faculty office and you were sat closely next to him. your head leaned against sunghoon’s as you listened to heeseung complain.
sunghoon barely reacted.
“you’re being too loud.”
“i introduced you two!” heeseung looks betrayed.
“i deserve the truth!”
“you don’t deserve anything.” sunghoon muttered under his breath.
“i am taking credit for this, if i didn’t do it y/n would have been yearning for another few years.” heeseung shot back smugly.
sunghoon looked at you smiling, “you were yearning for me?”
your cheeks flushed, “you know that… i had the biggest crush on you.”
heeseung looks disgusted as you lean over to kiss your boyfriend.
“good for you guys. but i’m out of here.” heeseung quickly turned away as sunghoon’s kisses got hotter.
“i love you, y/n.” sunghoon whispered.
“i love you too.” you smiled as you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer to you. he was all yours. for real this time.
—
on the other side of town, jake was drunk.
not blackout drunk.
just emotionally reckless and ready to make mistakes that he can never take back.
which was how he found himself sitting in a dimly lit bar at one in the morning drinking his sorrows away.
the bartender had already cut him off. he didn’t know what else to do.
at 12:27am, jake calls his best friend.
she almost doesn’t pick up.
mostly because she knew exactly what state jake would be in if he was calling this late.
still, she sighed softly before picking up her phone, “hello?”
she can hear music and laughter in the background and then,
“soojin.”
he’s drunk. she closed her eyes briefly.
“oh my god.”
jake laughed weakly, “that obvious?”
“you sound terrible.” she grabbed her keys quickly, “where are you jake?”
jake muttered the name of the bar he was sat at.
“i’m coming to get you.” soojin spoke, “stay where you are.”
—
by the time she made it there jake was slumped over his chair.
his head lifted as he saw her.
“you came…”
soojin snorted as she lifted his arm up to help him stand.
he stumbled into her and leaned into her. she carefully guided him to the exit.
“you smell really nice.” he mumbled tiredly, breathing in your scent.
“you’re drunk.” she dragged him quickly to the car.
as she put his seatbelt on, she could feel his gaze on her.
“she loves him.” he said miserably.
soojin just listened as he continued.
“i knew even before she said it.” jake played with his fingers.
“i think i waited too long.” soojin frowned bitterly at his words, she knew exactly how that felt.
“you’ll be okay, jake.” she whispered.
he nodded.
they drove in silence until she parked outside his house.
he looked tired. so soojin leaned over to unbuckle his seatbelt.
“let’s get you inside, big guy.” she muttered to herself.
the click of the seatbelt sounded loudly in the quiet car.
soojin’s hands brushed against jake’s chest as placed the seatbelt back in its place.
she then paused. she could feel jake staring at her.
her stomach tightened at the sight.
“jake.” she called out carefully.
his eyes dropped to her lips. she was so close to him she could smell the whiskey on his breath.
“you’re really pretty, soojin. you’ve always been here.” he spoke gently.
soojin shifted back slightly but then jake softly grabbed her wrist.
he then leaned in and kissed her.
she froze. soft lips, his hand that was tracing circles into her wrist, the faint taste of alcohol on his lips.
she almost wanted to savour it, she had waited so long for this moment.
for one terrible moment she kissed him back. jake made a sound and kissed her deeper, and that snapped her back to reality.
soojin pulled back quickly, breathing unevenly as she placed a hand against jake’s chest.
“no.”
jake blinked at her slowly confused.
“soojin…”
“i’m not gonna be a substitute for y/n.” she said sternly.
the words stun him into silence.
jake frowned, “that’s not-”
“it feels like it.”
“i would never use you like that.” jake carefully explains.
“maybe not on purpose.” soojin swallowed, silence filled the car once more.
“you’re hurting and lonely, and you miss her.” she cried.
“… i’m sorry.” jake’s words hung in the air.
and somehow that hurt worse.
because soojin had loved him all these years and she knew he meant it.
“let’s get you upstairs.” she whispered softly.
jake followed her quietly.
all soojin could think was how she couldn’t do this anymore. she would no longer love sim jaeyun.
a/n: look forward to jake’s story because that will be next!!!
contents + warnings - professor!sunghoon x TA!y/n, MDNI, slow burn, university au, fake dating au, ex!sim jaeyun, smut with a lot of plot, slight angst, fluff, jealousy, yearning (mutual), oral s*x (both receiving and giving), petnames (princess, baby, angel), n*pple play, slight dirty talk, fingering, riding, unsafe s*x (don’t do this), creampies, aftercare, multiple org*sms, begging, soft dom!hoon, self destructive tendencies, angst with a happy ending, fwb to lovers, misunderstandings, miscommunication
a/n: this kinda links into my other fic as heeseung’s TA appears in his fic! you don’t rlly need to read that to understand this but the fic is all part of my future series i’m currently writing for :) here’s the fic
“we need rules.”
“such as?”
“holding hands. keeping me close. maybe kissing if my ex is watching.”
sunghoon nods once like this is all perfectly reasonable.
why had you agreed to this again?
or;
the fake dating fic where heeseung sets you up with professor park sunghoon, who agrees to be your fake boyfriend to a birthday party only for him to realise:
your ex is sim jaeyun.
jaeyun is his best friend.
he’s been in love with you since you were both TA’s
if you’d like to join my perm tag list pls let me know and whether you’d like to be tagged for this fic!!
Pairing : Park Sunghoon x fem!reader ( ft Heeseung)
Warnings: 18+ Minors dni
Synopsis: Deciding that you’d had enough of Sunghoon's teasing and wicked mind games, you set out to beat him at the very game he created and try not to give into your heart in the process.
Contains: angst, smut, eventual romance, teasing, raw/unprotected sex (wrap it up folks), creampie, jealousy, fingering, big dick sunghoon, mean sunghoon, teasing, arguing, kinda enemies to lovers, Sunghoon is an asshole in this- he does redeem himself ( we love character growth), Heeseung is a sweetheart.
A/N: Hii, this is my first fic on here, this will be a chaptered fic, not sure how long exactly yet but I’m going with the flow. Thank you to my twin @hoonievan for helping me w this and essentially being my beta reader.
Please let me know you’d like to be added to the taglist
w.c : 2.5k
You’d always kept your inner circle small, hanging out with the same few friends you’d had since college, but that all changed when your best friend started dating Jake; the cute guy who lived a couple of doors down the hall from her apartment.
Now, you often found yourself forced into larger group settings, even if you had become accustomed to it- maybe even enjoyed the added company.
Jake had a lot of friends, who, through association with your best friend, had eventually also become your friends … or perhaps acquaintances is the better term.
They were all nice enough, including you in things, inviting you to places and you even found yourself growing quite close to Sunoo, bonding over a shared love of mint choco ice cream and marvel movies- but of course it couldn't be all good.
There was unfortunately one person who was not nice or welcoming at all.
In fact, you'd go as far as to say he was horrible to you.
That wouldn’t have been as much of an issue If it wasn't for the fact that you were unfortunately very drawn to him, harbouring what could only be described as a crush, as childish as that sounded.
Park Sunghoon with his thick eyebrows, plump lips and those biceps… god those biceps.
—
“Hello, earth to y/n” Sunoo said, nudging his elbow into your side in an attempt to snap you out of your daze.
You realised that you were staring right at Sunghoon who was standing across the room, drink cup in hand and talking to some girl you didn’t recognise.
“Shit” you muttered to yourself and quickly looked away, turning towards Sunoo and suddenly hyper aware of the fact that you were sitting on the couch in Jake’s apartment.
Sunoo shot you a questioning look but just as he was about to probe, someone called his name from across the room and then he was gone.
You felt the couch dip and another figure taking up the now available spot next to you.
You already knew who it was, his arm brushed against yours and you felt the goosebumps bloom across your arms, you fought to keep a neutral expression in a feeble attempt at appearing indifferent to his presence.
Your body, however, had other plans and betrayed you almost immediately.
Your legs clamped shut as soon as his manly, musky scent filled the air between you and went straight to your core.
You were itching to get a quick peek of him but tried to fight the urge, instead, opting to stare right at the potted plant in the far corner of the room as if it was the most interesting thing you had ever seen.
Unfortunately, you were just a woman and a very weak one evidently, you couldn't help yourself and made a discreet attempt to get a look by feigning a yawn and stretch.
Beginner move… you were met with him looking straight back at you smugly, one eyebrow raised, as if taunting you, as though he knew how turned on you currently were, all from a simple brush of arm and at how downright manly he smelled.
You snapped your head back but the damage was already done, he had seen you and how affected you were by his presence and you know he wouldn’t miss the chance to use this against you somehow.
—
Being on the receiving end of that look wasn’t new to you, he would always tease you, smirk wide and eyes full of mischief.
Sometimes the teasing would go too far, would leave you embarrassed in front of the others but he didn’t seem to care, he didn’t falter.
You were barely even friends but he still had a lot to say about you, none of it good. The occasional personal digs, disguised as harmless teasing would hurt the most.
Of course you’d play it off, not wanting him to know just how much it hurt, but the dull ache in your chest remained no matter how hard you tried to convince yourself he was just messing around.
You just wished he’d think of you as something more than just someone who was fun to poke a reaction out of.
You wished he would see you the way you saw him…
-
“you ok there? you look like you’re about to blow up, can’t handle me sitting so close to you?” He said cockily, pulling you away from your thoughts.
A short laugh fell from his lips before he brought his cup to his lips and took a swig of his drink.
“Shut up Sunghoon, I’m not in the mood for your shit.”
You snapped back and he quickly swallowed his drink, that stupid smirk still on his face again, clearly confident that what he was about to say next would really tip you over the edge.
“Sure y/n, clearly you’re in a different kind of mood” he snickered, eyes flickering down to your still clamped together legs- your heart dropped at the realisation that he had noticed that.
You just hoped he didn’t notice your jaw physically drop in shock too.
-
After taking a minute to process what had just happened, you decided you needed to get away from him, the shift from the standard childish teasing to this… whatever this was, proving to be too much.
You ended up in the kitchen, which was thankfully empty, and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge suddenly feeling extremely thirsty.
The small apartment now felt like an oven and boy were you roasting.
The universe was not favouring you today, you hadn’t even had 5 minutes to yourself when you noticed Sunghoon following you into the kitchen.
“Are you following me or something?” you questioned, annoyance loud and clear in your voice.
“Don’t flatter yourself love” he paused, gave you a once over and then looked you right in the eyes, eyes full of mischief but also something deeper.
“Fuck you Sunghoon” you shot back, cringing at how basic that comeback was as soon as the words left your lips.
“Oh you’d love that wouldn’t you?” He replied, his breath fanning over your ears, voice now bordering a whisper.
You hadn’t even realised when he had gotten so close to you, your bodies now so close that you could feel the heat radiating off his body.
“you’re so insufferable, I let you say whatever you want because I know you love getting a reaction out of me but that stops-“
Your rambling was cut short by Sunghoon pushing you up against the wall behind you, gripping your chin with one hand and crashing his plump lips on yours.
It took you a few seconds but after the initial shock wore off you reached out to grip his shirt and pulled him impossibly closer, returning the kiss with just as much vigor.
You pulled back momentarily, out of breath and confused.
“what are you doing” you asked breathlessly.
“Kissing you, what else?” He replied
“Yeah but why”
“Come on you know you want me” he paused and then followed with “you want me to stop?”
You went through all the options in your head and ultimately decided that he was right, you did want him, and if he was here initiating this then who were you to refuse?
.
“No, don’t stop”. The second the words left your lips he dove back in.
Taking your bottom lip between his teeth, he bit lightly, making you gasp and taking this as an opportunity to slip his tongue in.
Things were quickly turning hot and messy, the kiss now a full blown makeout.
Bodies pressed so close that you could feel his bulge heavy against your thigh,
The sensation went straight to your pussy, which was now dripping with need.
“Sunghoon please” you moaned out when you had the chance to finally breathe again, all inhibitions were now thrown out the window and replaced with a newfound hunger for him.
“What is it baby?” he grunted out. You tried to ignore the way your heart fluttered at the term of endearment and gave into the hunger that could only be satiated by having Sunghoon inside you, fucking your brains out, your mouth watered at the mere thought.
“Need you please” you almost whispered, desperation clawing at you, the reality of where you were currently long forgotten.
“Oh really, what do you need?” Sunghoon pulled back, hands still tightly around on your waist, his signature shit eating grin adoring that stupidly handsome face.
“just do something already Sunghoon, please touch me”
Annoyed and still extremely turned on, you urged him to get a move on.
His eyes darkened at your words and something in him snapped, he roughly manoeuvred you so that you were now pressed against the wall and lifted up your dress, fingers finding your panties and roughly yanking them down.
His fingers went straight to your pussy, rubbing them along your folds, he let out a sharp breath when he realised just how wet you were for him.
“You’re dipping, all this is for me yeah?” Not waiting for a reply he frantically undid his belt and pulled his trousers down just enough to pull his dick out.
Your eyes widened at the sight, he was big, and veiny - just how you liked it.
Too horny to worry too much about how it was going to fit, you were about to tell him to just fuck you already but he beat you to it.
“I need you to be quiet for me ok, you don’t want someone walking in on us do you?” you managed a brief nod before he lined up his cock and brushed a stray piece of hair out of your face - a fleeting moment of something more than just lust that was over in a second as pushed all the way in with a single deep stroke.
Maybe you did want people to see but now was not the time to bring that up, not when he had just knocked the air out of your lungs and had started rearranging your insides with fast and deep thrusts.
His hand snaked down your thigh and hooked under your knee, lifting up your leg to allow him to thrust even deeper, you had to slap a hand over your mouth to stop yourself from screaming out loud.
He locked eyes with you then, a small semblance of a smile on his face-
“You feel so good, pussy’s just sucking me in” he said in between thrusts.
His filthy words elicited a loud moan from your lips and you could feel a familiar pressure building inside you
“Please” you managed to croak out,
“Please what?”
“Please make me come” and with that he sped up again, your body moving up the wall with each powerful thrust.
“You gonna come just from my dick?”
You frantically nodded in response, your words failing you.
You took in the image in front of you, a sweaty sunghoon, brows furrowed and biceps bulging from the way he was holding you and you felt your heart swell.
“Shit” he gritted out, giving one last hard thrust that had you both coming undone at the same time.
You felt his cum filling you up, the warm sensation adding to the pure bliss you were feeling and causing your body to arch back as the most powerful orgasm you had ever experienced ripped through you.
He rested his head on your shoulder as you both caught your breaths, and then just as quick as this had all happened, he pulled away from you, tucked himself back into his trousers and started walking away.
Stopping in his tracks momentarily, he looked over his shoulder, threw you a "Not too bad" and then he was gone, leaving you just as you were, confused and in a compromising position.j
You stared after him, horrified by what a momentary lapse in judgement had resulted in; you knew he was an asshole and yet, you let lust take over and allowed him to fuck you senseless and then walk away like it was nothing, like you were some sort of easy whore.
The feeling of his still warm cum trickling down your legs snapped you out of your thoughts and back to the sick and twisted reality you were currently in. You thanked your lucky stars that you just so happened to be taking birth control currently or things would be getting complicated really quickly.
You reached out to grab a wad of tissues from the worktop, frantically wiping up as much of the mess as you could and disposing of it, all while mentally apologising to Jake.
Then, you quickly pulled your panties up, tugged your dress down, and tried to make yourself look presentable enough to go back out and face everyone knowing what had just happened... in poor Jake's kitchen of all places.
You were seething, the ache in your chest was still deep but you were now also astronomically pissed off, the audacity of that man was absolutely insane.
Not bad?... NOT BAD?
How dare he?
There was no way he didn’t know of your crush on him, hell, he obviously had used that knowledge to woo you over enough to let him hit it without any hesitation from you.
Embarrassment and humiliation barely scratched the surface of the emotions you were currently feeling.
There was a special place in hell reserved just for Park Sunghoon and you were going to make sure he would get there.
—
You avoided Sunghoon the rest of the night, forcing yourself to actively engage with others to appear indifferent and to above all else, distract yourself.
You didn’t let the sound of laughter coming from Sunghoon and whichever girl he was currently entertaining bother you.
So what if their bodies were pressed close together? So what if he had his lips close to her ear, telling her things that had her giggling and shooting him heart eyes…
Oh if only she knew what an asshole he was.
“Hey y/n are you listening?” your best friend asked,snapping you out of your daze yet again.
“You’ve been acting weird today, what's going on?” chimed in Sunoo, from beside her.
Inspiration hit in that moment, you knew what you were going to do.
“Nothing i’m fine, but hey i was thinking about that friend of yours, do you think you can still set us up on a date?”
Their eyes widened at that, confusion written all over their faces
“Umm sure” Sunoo hesitated.
“Perfect” and for the first time that night you smiled.
Synopsis : you’d had enough of Sunghoon’s wicked games and decided to beat him at the very game he created.
Contains: angst, smut, eventual romance, teasing, raw/unprotected sex (wrap it up folks), creampie, jealousy, fingering, big dick sunghoon, mean sunghoon, teasing, arguing, kinda frenemies to lovers, Sunghoon is an asshole in this- he does redeem himself ( we love character growth)
A/N : hiii, this is my first fic on here, I’m aiming for it to be 3 parts at most, this is a very short teaser and is also acting an interest check.
Taglist : comment or like if you’d want to be added to a tag list for when I post the fic.
—
He rested his head on your shoulder as you both caught your breaths, and then just as quick as this had all happened, he pulled away from you, tucked himself back into his trousers and started walking away.
Stopping in his tracks momentarily, he looked over his shoulder, threw you a “Not too bad” and then he was gone, leaving you just as you were, confused and in a compromising position.
You stared after him, horrified by what a momentary lapse in judgement had resulted in; you knew he was an asshole and yet, you let lust take over and allowed him to fuck you senseless and then walk away like it was nothing, like you were some sort of easy whore.
The feeling of his still warm cum trickling down your legs snapped you out of your thoughts and back to the sick and twisted reality you were currently in.
You quickly pulled your panties up, tugged your dress down, and tried to make yourself look presentable enough to go back out and face everyone knowing what had just happened… in poor Jake’s kitchen of all places.
You were seething, the ache in your chest was still deep but you were now also astronomically pissed off, the audacity of that man was absolutely ridiculous.
Not bad?… NOT BAD?
How are dare he?
There was a special place in hell reserved just for Park Sunghoon and you were going to make sure he would get there.
where you and heeseung have spent years trying to outdo each other, same classes, same career, same unspoken tension that never goes away.
so when it turns into something more, you don’t talk about it. you don’t name it.
but the moment your attention supposedly shifts to someone else,
he realizes that he may be too late.
pairing: professor! lee heeseung x professor! y/n rivals to lovers
wc: 5.5k words
content + warnings - MDNI, academic rivals!to lovers, professors/same workplace relationship, jealousy, miscommunication, emotional avoidance, mutual pining, light angst, porn w plot, dom!hee, oral (fem rec), overstimulation, rough! desk sex, semi-public sex, petnames (baby), hickeys, p*ssy slapping, fingering, edging, unprotected p in v (pls don't do this irl), creampie, belly bulge, big!d*ck hee, hee is a bit cruel but he makes up for it - let me know if i missed anything out!
tags: @goosemantheweeb @otterlychaoos
note: this was all thanks to my bestest of friends being there for me so i dedicate this fic to all of them <3 i hope you like this and i'm hoping to make a series out of this. likes, comments, reposts and feedback are all welcomed here and i may open my reqs soon! the evan thoughts have been all consuming lately...
you and lee heeseung had met in your first year of university during 19th century lit with professor kang. you both had never gotten along. it had all started with little jabs.
“i don’t see the appeal in austen’s literature, her heroines are weak and pathetic.” heeseung announced to the class.
you scoffed. heeseung’s eyes darted to you as he held eye contact.
“you don’t look like you agree, why don’t you enlighten us with your own opinion.” he smirked.
“if you had really read austen’s works you wouldn’t say that.” you rolled your eyes.
“i have read her works, i still hold the opinion that her characters lack any appeal.” heeseung muttered, which only made you more annoyed.
“well maybe in your eyes it seems that way, but her characters reflect her own circumstances, something that a man like you wouldn’t understand.” the class went silent at your words.
heeseung just stared at you with slight interest and that was it.
he spent the next two years debating any topic in the many classes you shared together. he was so infuriatingly smart and even you could admit at times that his points had more merit to them than your own even though you would never admit it to his face.
you’d thought that after graduating you would have freed yourself from the shackles that was lee heeseung but it was only a few years till once again he had followed you like a shadow.
you had both majored in english lit but you had specialised in 19th century literature and he had turned to medieval lit. you were now accomplished lecturers with your phds. and it was of course no coincidence that you had both begun teaching at the university you had attended all those years ago.
things should have been civil. you had grown from your university days, but heeseung still found every reason to get on your nerves.
“is that truly something that would appeal to your students?” heeseung asked, glancing at your slides on your laptop screen.
your eyebrows furrowed at his words, “mind your own business, lee. my student satisfaction levels say otherwise. i’m sure you couldn’t say the same with the state of yours.”
“oh? so you’re keeping an eye on me? you could just tell me if you were that obsessed with me, l/n.” he chuckled in your ear.
“in your dreams, lee.” you spat, turning to face him now noticing how close he had gotten to your face.
your face heated as your eyes dropped to his bitten, plump lips. you looked away quickly as if you had been burnt.
“whatever you say, y/n.” heeseung kept his gaze on you.
lee heeseung was a handsome guy. there was no doubt about that. everyone knew it. even you could admit that his pretty eyes and soft hair were easy on the eyes. girls flocked after him at university but he never seemed to care. it always seemed as if he was focused on other things.
things began to change once the new year started. two new professors had joined the cohort. one was park sunghoon, your junior but had started his postgrad at the same time you had. you became quick friends and had even recommended him for the post that had gone out the months before. the other was bubbly professor kim sunoo who you had also become friends with. your shared interest in historical romances and manhwas meant that sunoo had taken it upon himself to drag you to lunch even when you had your head buried in your papers with all the work you had to mark.
—
your class had just ended as you were erasing your board.
you felt him before you could hear him.
“you missed a spot.”
you sighed loudly, ignoring him.
“if it bothers you that much you’re free to clean it yourself.” you turn around to face heeseung who was standing at your door with his satchel slung around his arm.
he begins to walk toward you. he stands in front of you and slowly grasps the eraser in your hand. his fingers brush against yours and you flinch as you pull your hands behind your back.
“careful.” he whispered. “you’re gonna start relying on me.”
“that would imply that you’re actually useful.” you spat grabbing back the eraser and notedly erasing the mark that had bothered heeseung in the first place.
he let out an amused laugh, “ouch.”
his eyes drifted to the rows of benches that had now emptied.
“you stayed late.” heeseung stated, “trying to get your student satisfaction rates up again?
you rolled your eyes, “some of us actually care about our students, lee.”
“and some of us don’t have to try so hard, l/n.”
your jaw clenched at his words. “you’re insufferable.”
“and yet you’re still here?” he smirked as he gazed at your annoyed expression.
“because you won’t stop talking.”
“or maybe you don’t want me to stop.” he laughed.
your breath stopped for a moment. heeseung had noticed. of course he had. he never missed anything when it came to you.
for a moment, something had shifted. the air grew tense with all the words you had left unsaid.
“don’t flatter yourself, lee. you’re just persistent. like a… bad rash.”
he just let out a laugh as his eyes caught your own. this feeling wasn’t new. you had always felt this spark whenever you fought. this pull and push that you couldn’t shake.
“you know,” heeseung started. “sunghoon doesn’t argue with you like this.”
“what does that have to do with anything?” you snapped.
“he listens.” he began. “agrees with your ideas. must be nice.” he smirked.
“what are you trying to say, lee? spit it out.” your eyes narrowed waiting for his answer.
“i think you know what i mean.”
“no, i don’t think i do. please enlighten me.”
“you like that he’s easy.” he shrugged. “that he doesn’t challenge you.”
you snorted at his answer. “so that’s what you think? and who challenges me? you?”
“yes.” he smiled. “and you love proving me wrong.”
“i don’t-“
“you do.” he cuts you off. “you always have.”
his words cut into you because he wasn’t entirely wrong.
you swallowed, “and what about you?”
“what about me?”
“why do you do it?” you asked softly. “why are you always like… this with me?”
for once, lee heeseung did not have something to say immediately.
his eyes flickered to your lips. so quickly that you wouldn’t have seen it if you hadn’t been watching so intently.
“because you’re the only one who keeps up.”
your eyes slightly widened at his words. you slowly inched towards him, as if you were a magnet searching for its pair.
this time your eyes dropped to heeseung’s plump lips as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
“heeseung…” you whispered.
his eyes darkened. you had never called him by his name before. you were always so formal, only ever referring to him by his last name. this was new territory.
“..y/n…” he said, his voice was honey smooth in your ears.
“tell me to stop.” he said finally, searching for a reason to stop himself from what he wanted to do the most.
you shook your head, “i don’t want you to.”
his hand moved first. moving to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear. his hand grazed your chin as he gently held your face in his hands.
your breath shifted as he slowly leaned in, your noses almost brushed as he gently pressed his lips to yours.
his lips felt warm and soft, as if they were begging to be kissed. your hand grabbed onto his sleeve as he deepened the kiss. his other arm snaked around your waist pulling you closer to his body. you moaned as you felt your chest brush against his.
he took the chance to deepen the kiss. it had turned desperate and messy. heeseung exhaled as you stared at each other. his lips swollen and red and begging to be kissed again.
“sunbaenim…” a voice called turning the handle of your classroom door
you stumbled out of heeseung’s arms once you had heard sunghoon’s voice.
by the time they turned to the door, it was too late. sunghoon was standing at the doorway.
his mouth gaped slightly before he closed it again.
“sorry sunbaenims, i did not realise you were both preoccupied.” he gazed down at his feet and suddenly you felt like your face was burning.
“no, it’s not- we were just-” you tried to explain.
“what was it that you needed, sunghoon?” heeseung asked impatiently.
“i wanted to inquire whether y/n sunbaenim wanted to discuss the plans for our dual seminar.” sunghoon explained, now feeling the awkward tension in the room.
“you can text me to arrange a time to do that, sunghoon.” you said exasperatedly, now fiddling with the stray papers at your desk to have something to do so you didn’t feel as if you were going crazy.
“i can come back later if this isn’t a good time.” sunghoon asked.
“it’s fine.” heeseung answered at the same time as you had replied, “later will be better.”
you stared at him for just a moment, wondering what had gotten into him all of a sudden.
“understood, i’ll send you that text later. enjoy your evening sunbaenims.” sunghoon bowed quickly and left.
you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.
“that… didn’t happen.” you whispered as your hand traced against your own lips.
“right…” heeseung’s eyes hardened at your words but what could he say?
you both had kissed and that had changed everything forever.
—
you had tried to be normal with heeseung over the following days. but it was getting harder. every time you found your eyes drifting to him, they drifted down to his pretty lips that had kissed you in a way you had never been kissed before. you started to wonder how it would have felt if he had continued.
if he had pressed those kisses against your neck. if he had gently nibbled against your pulse decorating your body with a flurry of purple bruises. you thought about how it would feel for heeseung to gently lick the bites almost as if he was soothing them.
you had never been so transfixed on someone’s mouth till now. you wanted heeseung in ways you didn’t even realise till now. how were you supposed to stand next to the man when you were actively dreaming of the ways he would ruin you?
so you did the next best thing you could. you ignored him. if you saw him coming down the corridor? you’d turn around and find a different way to your next seminar. if he was sitting in the canteen? you’d eat your lunch in your room. if you noticed him leaving out the front entrance? you’d leave from the back just to stop the inevitable awkward conversation you’d have to have with heeseung. and he had noticed. how could he have not? you had spent every other day bickering over the silliest of topics and now it had been nealy a week since you had last seen him and that was when you had shared that kiss together.
you had spent all that time sorting out your dual seminar with sunghoon who knowingly teased you. sunoo being with you both didn’t help as he just joined in.
“i honestly don’t understand what you see in him, noona.” sunoo sighed, poking around the rice he had in front of him.
“they bicker as if they have been married for years.” sunghoon explains, shrugging as he stuffs his mouth full of the bulgogi that was on his plate.
“i guess it just happened. it’s not that he would ever feel the same way as i do. he’s only ever seen me as his competition.” you blew a piece of your hair out of your face and frowned.
“you wouldn’t know because you haven’t talked to him.” sunghoon said knowingly.
“there’s nothing left to say. it's better if we stay like this.”
“you just say that because you don’t wanna get hurt.” sunoo’s eyes lock onto yours. he’s figured you out completely. he always had a knack for knowing exactly how you were feeling.
“you never know until you try.” sunghoon’s words hit hard.
you pondered over their words and decided that you would try find him.
you walked down a familiar corridor, to a familiar office that you had stood in before to argue about how emma was the better jane austen novel with heeseung.
you reached the door and saw it was already slightly ajar.
you weren’t even sure what you would say.
“hi heeseung, after bickering with you for years i think i realised i fell for you?” no, that didn’t even feel right.
your thoughts were disturbed by heeseung’s voice.
god, you hadn’t gone this long without speaking to him since you had left university.
“no… this section needs changing, the students weren’t understanding the content today.” heeseung’s voice was low and concerned.
“it just needs more in depth analysis and the context notes that we have here.” said a softer voice.
jiah.
it was heeseung’s TA.
you didn’t mean to look, but you did.
through the crack of the door, you saw the two huddled over his desk which was scattered with papers. heeseung’s head was bent over the pages and jiah was similarly standing close to him.
your heart clenched at the sight of the two. they were stood together calmly. a stark difference to how you and heeseung would act.
you know you should leave. that you’re not needed by his side. but you linger for a moment, observing them together.
heeseung’s focus shifted, his eyes looked up and caught yours. for a split second his expression changed. it was as if he schooled his expression and it suddenly turned unreadable.
he inched towards jiah and told her to stay still. he leaned in closely, intimately. he softly grazed her cheek and you felt your heart stop.
he was too close. it was too much. he had seen you and still hurt you in such a way. you did what you did best, you ran away.
—
“it was an eyelash.” heeseung said, flicking it away.
“oh, thanks professor lee.” jiah said.
heeseung’s eyes gazed at the door to see you had already gone. his eyes lingered, as if he was waiting for you to appear and fight with him again. so that he could have a chance to even talk to you again.
jiah had noticed his gaze and her eyes hardened.
heeseung looked back and startled at her murderous expression.
“do you always do that?” she said pointedly.
“do what?” heeseung asked sheepishly.
“that-” she brought her hand to her cheek where the lash he had brushed away had sat. “the whole- act?”
heeseung bristled at her words.
“i don’t know what you mean.”
“i think you do. you could have told me i had an eyelash. i would have taken care of it myself.”
heeseung couldn’t say a word. she was right.
“you saw her, didn’t you?” she asked knowingly.
heeseung knew she was talking about you. he bit his lip as he paused. but that was all jiah needed.
“don’t.” she said. “please don’t do that again.”
“do what?”
“don’t use me like that.” she retorted.
the words landed heavily on heeseung’s conscience. he hadn’t even thought about how she might have felt.
“i’m sorry…” he whispered.
“i really respect you, professor. but you need to wake up. you clearly like professor l/n. why are you hurting her like this?” she asked, her voice full of slight anger.
“i dont know. i don’t know how to act around her when we’re not fighting. i’m just her rival and that’s all.” heeseung sighed.
“you should start by clearly telling her how you feel.”
it was easy to say that. you had been ignoring him and there was no doubt you’d continue to do so after what you had seen.
“i’m sorry, jiah. my head is a mess. it’s not an excuse but i owe you one." heeseung scratched his head at his predicament.
“well you can help me find a date.” jiah smiled, leaving all the tension behind.
“i might know someone.” heeseung laughed.
—
it all came to a head one friday after class. your seminar was a late one, it had finished at 7 and you were just packing up in your office when you heard your door open and close. you heard the tell tale sound of the lock turning and curiously turned around.
lee heeseung stood in front of the doorway.
he stalked towards you, his hair now rumpled, his white shirt untucked and his tie hanging loose against his neck. he looked feral.
“you’ve been ignoring me all week. pretending our kiss didn’t happen and cosying up to sunghoon. is his dick that good?” he spat.
you mouth gaped at his sudden outburst. it was so uncalled for you couldn’t believe it.
“well you were all up in jiah’s business so i just assumed you didn’t notice.” you shouted now staring into his dark eyes with anger.
“don’t do that.” heeseung seethed. “she’s nothing to me and you know it.”
“that’s not what it looked like to me. you two were looking pretty close. and you know exactly that sunghoon is just my junior.” you stabbed your finger into his shoulder hard at his words.
he grabbed your hand and held it tightly, “you’ve known this whole time who i really wanted. don’t pretend y/n.”
“we spent years bickering in university, i have spent years trying to compete with you, finding any excuse to stay in your orbit,” he continues, “and you think i did it because i just like teasing you?” he asks exasperatedly.
you don’t answer.
“i don’t look at anyone the way i look at you. i never have.” he said quietly.
his breath is warm against her face.
“this thing we do… this back and forth. it was never just that for me. i’m done pretending that it is.”
the space between them feels even smaller.
“what do you want me to say heeseung?” you asked desperately searching his face for an answer. “that i knew? that i’ve just been ignoring whatever this is?”
“have you?” he pressed.
“yes!” she snaps. “it was easier to pretend that this was just a rivalry than whatever this… is.” she says pointing to the two of them.
“then deal with it now.” he challenged.
“tell me now. you’re mine and you’ve always known it.” heeseung lifted your chin to gaze into your eyes.
“you wish.” you spat.
he closed the distance quickly and pressed a bruising kiss against your lips. you moaned as he tugged you closer to his body. your hands tangled in his hair, all your pent up frustration now melting into this intense kiss. he backed you up against your desk, his hands roaming all up your body to then rest at your hips.
you gasped as he suddenly lifted your body and placed you on your desk scattering all your papers on the floor. “you’re mine and by the time we’re done you’ll never forget it.” he said against your neck, nipping it carefully to create a mark. you gasped and arched closer to him as he continued his flurry of kisses and bruises all on your neck and your shoulder.
“not there. everyone will see.” you said breathlessly.
“that’s the whole point baby. everyone will know you’re mine.” he grinned as he pressed a sweet kiss to your lips again.
“yeah but-“ you whined in his ear.
“fine, then i can leave marks in places where no one can see them?” he said wolfishly.
he took your silence for a yes and suddenly got to his knees.
his dark eyes gazed right up to yours as his fingers traced against the hem of the dress you were wearing. his hand snaked up your dress pushing it out of his way. he looked deeply into your eyes as he pressed a soft kiss to your knee. you gasped as you watched him. he kissed up till your inner thigh where he gently bit leaving a purple mark.
“you’re such a fucking tease, ignoring me for him. but look how you look now. you’re so wet and so desperate and it's all for me.” he smiled cruelly before he pulled down your panties in one swoop.
you were drenched. he smirked as he gathered your juices on his two fingers. you watched as he placed his fingers in his mouth and moaned at the sweet taste of you.
“you’re so fucking needy. this pussy has been aching for me all week, hasn’t it?” he slapped your folds lightly, the sharp sting making you whimper. another firm slap had you almost keeling over.
“heeseung please,” you begged, you had become like putty in his hands.
he spread your thighs wider, his hot breath against your clit. “begging for me already, y/n? good girl, but you won’t be cumming until i say so.” his tongue flicked out to lick a long stripe at your clit. he lapped up your juices like a man searching for water in a desert. you moaned loudly and gripped his hair as you tugged him closer to your core. his fingers now joined, two slid in curling to hit that spot that had your eyes rolling back.
his tongue swirled, licked and lapped up everything it could. “taste’s so fucking good. all mine, not sunghoon’s- never his.” he pulled back just as you showed signs of your orgasm arriving, and he slapped your pussy again. “not yet. you’re not cumming till you tell me you’re mine.” you arched your back at the pain that had now mixed into pleasure.
“no, heeseung wait-” you cried, tugging at his hair to try to guide him back.
“say it. now.” heeseung ordered holding your thighs apart so you couldn’t rub your legs together to get any sort of pleasure.
you bit your lip, “i’m all… yours.” he smirked as he dived in again. this time faster and his other hand pinning down your thigh. he licked and sucked until you were a complete mess. your walls clenched around his fingers and his wet tongue, but every time you got close he’d stop as if he was teasing you. “that’s it, you’re doing so good for me. my good girl. you’re gonna cum all over my tongue when i tell you to.”
tears pricked at your eyes at the sheer overstimulation he was making you feel. “come for me, y/n. show me how good i make you feel.” you exploded, thighs wrapped around his head as your orgasm crashed over you. but he didn’t stop. you whimpered as he continued his attack, he kept licking, sucking and biting until you were on the edge again. he just laughed at your whines and tears. “hee… please. i can’t” you begged
“yes you can baby, cum for me.” he demanded, as you once again reached your peak. he got up from his knees and looked at his masterpiece.
you looked spent, your hair a mess, and your clothes in disarray. he watched as you tried to catch your breath. but he wasn’t finished with you just yet.
“i’m not done with you yet.” heeseung said, his eyes once again filled with desire.
you just nodded as he unzipped his pants. his hard cock looked red, veiny and leaky. he gave it a quick pump before he lined it up against your entrance. “i’m gonna make you mine in every way.” he thrust in deeply, filling you completely as the desk creaked underneath you. you wrapped your legs tightly around heeseung’s waist, nails digging into his shoulder as he set a ruthless pace. hard snaps of jealousy, anger and desperation.
“feel that,” he said pressing a firm hand against your belly where his big dick was protruding from your stomach. “that’s my cock, it belongs to you and it’s inside you.” he grunted in your ear, pulling your hair back to press another bruising kiss to your lips. he pounded into you relentlessly bullying you into another orgasm before he had even reached his own peak.
“no more ignoring me y/n. you’re mine, not sunghoon’s. never his.” he hammered his point with each thrust that had you seeing stars.
“all yours…” you cried. the overstimulation was making you dizzy.
heeseung marked up your neck with more bruises but that no longer mattered. you clenched tightly, and he buried himself deep inside groaning as he spilled his seed. his thrusts slowed and he now pressed soft and gentle kisses against your face. he winced as he slowly pulled out of you. watching as his cum slowly dripped out of you, he began scooping his cum to shove it back in your weeping hole. you hiccuped, “wait… i’m too sensitive hee.”
“sorry baby, i can’t let it go to waste.” he soothed, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead.
—
after that day, he had come the next day to your office with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
“what is that you want, lee?” y/n sighed.
“to make things right.” heeseung breathed out before he placed the flowers on the desk.
your eyebrows raised at his words, “you’ve done enough, heeseung.”
“no…” he started. “i really haven’t. i need to make things better.”
“i fucked up.” he began. “i was angry. you were angry. we got things mixed up and i want to make things right.”
you breathed out and just listened to his words.
“i’ve been so focused on you, i don’t know when this stopped being a competition.”
your breath hitched at his confession.
“you were always… just there.” he continues, his voice softer. “in every class, in every discussion, every argument. and i told myself it was because you were the only one worth competing with.”
his smile looked slightly bitter.
“that was easier than admitting that i just wanted your attention…”
your chest tightened.
“i didn’t look at anyone.” he looked down. “you were the only person i ever looked at the way i do.”
your mind flashed to jiah for the slightest moment but heeseung had noticed what you were thinking.
“what you saw that day… was me being an idiot. not because i wanted her, but because i saw you, and i didn’t know how to act.” his jaw tightened at your expression. “i wanted your reaction.”
“well you got one, you were being dumb.” you rolled your eyes.
“i know,” he replies immediately. your eyes raised at his sudden agreement with you.
“i shouldn’t have done that. i’m not going to pretend it didn’t mean anything, because it clearly upset you.” you watched as heeseung fiddled with his rings.
you looked away, “your sorry doesn’t make things better.”
“i’m not trying to fix things, i’m trying to stop hiding.”
you looked at him, truly. his eyes were sparkly and you wanted to believe in what he was saying so badly.
“i like you.” he said simply.
there’s no teasing in his words, no sarcasm.
“i have for a long time. and i don’t want to keep pretending. i’m choosing you. i want you in every way, and i would be the luckiest person in the world if you would even give me a chance.” he pleaded.
“it was easier to fight with you then deal with whatever this is.” you began. “because if this all goes wrong… we work together, and our whole relationship is based around… this dynamic.” you reasoned.
“i know.”
“if everything falls apart-”
“it won’t” he says firmly.
“you don’t know that, heeseung.”
“no,” he agrees. “but we can’t keep pretending.”
you know what he’s saying is true. you’re just scared. that heeseung will only ever see you as his competitor and that this will all be for nothing.
“you really mean this?” you asked hesitantly.
“i wouldn’t be here if i wasn’t.” he said honestly.
“well, you know i like you.” your words are rushed and your cheeks are flushed pink.
“of course i do.” he grabs your hand and rubs circles with his thumb.
“we’re really terrible at this aren’t we?” you giggled.
“absolutely awful.” heeseung laughed.
you step closer first.
“no more games, lee.” you teased.
“i won’t.” heeseung’s words felt sincere.
“okay.”
a small smile plays on his lips and he pulls you closer to him. he gently presses a kiss to your lips and this time it's not angry or desperate. it’s sweet, full of love, and it's a promise to grow together.
—
it didn’t happen all at once.
there was a clear difference in the way you both treated each other after that day.
for one, you stopped ignoring him.
you notice it one morning. a bouquet of flowers sat on your desk. they smell fresh, and they are your favourite. there’s no note, but you can guess who would go to the effort to give them.
out of habit, you find yourself marching down to his office. he’s sat quietly in thought as he sips his mug of black coffee. you push his door open without knocking.
“are these your handiwork?” you ask, flashing the bouquet in front of his eyes.
heeseung doesn’t even look surprised at your entry.
“good morning to you too, y/n.” he smiled in that infuriating way, but this time your traitorous heart skipped a beat at the way he said your name.
“i’m being serious.” your eyes narrowed.
“so am i.” he looked up now, “you like them?”
you try to fight a smile but it breaks through as you nod shyly.
“didn’t know you could be so romantic, lee.” you teased.
“if it’s you i could do anything.” he simply said.
you blushed as you looked to your feet.
all your quick quips had now turned into this.
you shake your head slightly and turn your head to look at him once more.
you look back and find heeseung already looking at you with his soft gaze.
—
it’s not always flowers at this point, but always something small. a gesture where you’ll find it no matter what.
a cat sticker left at your desk one morning, to a cup of coffee after a particularly early morning seminar. you stop pretending it annoys you one lunch that you now took with him in his office.
“you’re trying to bribe me…” you poked at your lunch as you pointed it out.
“no i’m not.” he quickly retorted.
“you are.” you said immediately.
“if i was bribing you, you’d be easier to deal with.” he smirked.
you kicked at his foot playfully under the table.
he doesn’t even react, he just leans over to steal a fry from your plate.
“hey! that’s mine…” you frowned.
“you were barely eating it.” he shrugged.
“i was going to!” you argued.
“you hesitated.” he just laughs at your forlorn expression.
“whatever.” you sighed but a gentle smile played on your lips which heeseung did not miss.
—
“you’ve been on that same page for an hour.” you pointed out as you popped a strawberry in your mouth.
heeseung was sitting at his desk, papers scattered around and a half empty mug of coffee had grown cold. his hair was slicked back and his glasses rested on his nose. he had papers to mark but hadn’t been able to concentrate as soon as you walked in.
“i’m being thorough…” he argued.
“you’re distracted.” you smiled knowingly.
a pause
“by me?” you teased.
his silence answers your question.
you take the chance to stand up and step closer to his chair.
his eyes darken as his eyes trail down your body.
“then focus.” you stood in front of him, a faint smile playing on your face.
he watches you completely. his pen has dropped from his hand.
“you’re not helping.” he whispered.
“i’m not trying to.” you laughed.
another step closer and he can feel your presence.
that’s when his arm moves to drag your arm to place you upon his lap.
you breathlessly giggled as you wrapped your arms around his neck and felt his warm hands grip your waist.
“you’re unbelievable.” he breathed as he peppered kisses against your neck. you arch your neck for him to kiss you further.
“you’re still not done marking.” heeseung’s kisses had made you breathless but you were always ready to tease him.
“don’t care.” you glance at him once and find he was already staring as always.
he leans in and slowly presses a kiss to your lips. it’s slow and unhurried as if he is taking all the time in the world to savor kissing you. his hand stays warm pressed against your face as his thumb rubs your cheeks gently. you lean into it, your hands grip the back of his hair and you feel him moan into your kiss.
you loved this feeling. of wanting heeseung as much as he wanted you.
when you part, your faces stay close.
“looks like those won’t get finished today.” you smile softly at him.
he lets out a short laugh, “probably not.”
“good.” you smile as you kiss him again and this time you think you could get used to this.
synopsis : Lee Heeseung is untouchable on campus. Popular, confident, effortlessly admired he’s used to attention finding him without effort. His friends swear there’s no one at the university who wouldn’t fall for him if he wanted.Then there’s her.She barely looks at him. No lingering glances, no curiosity, no interest. She treats him like he’s just another guy, and somehow that indifference gets under his skin more than outright rejection ever could.
It starts as a joke. A stupid bet among friends one month, just to see if even she would give in. Heeseung agrees without hesitation. It’s supposed to be easy, harmless. A game he knows how to win.The deadline is Valentine’s Day.
Except she doesn’t play along.
Every failed attempt chips away at his confidence. Every unimpressed reaction makes him try harder. Somewhere between shared classes, late-night study sessions, and accidental moments of closeness, the bet stops feeling like a challenge and starts feeling like a risk.
Because he didn’t expect her to matter.And with Valentine’s Day closing in, he definitely didn’t expect to care what happens when she finds out why he approached her in the first place.
pairings : popular!heeseung x unimpressedf!reader
tropes : he falls first and harder, forced proximity, angst, rom-com
genre : university au , slow burn
word count : 30k words
warnings : ?????
spotify playlist | taglist | main masterlist
jo’s notes : hiii guysss 🫶
I’m finally dropping my first-ever ENHA fic on Tumblr (!!). Super excited to officially be on enhablr, but also lowkey nervous with everything going on over there lately 😵💫
Still, I really, really hope this story finds the right people because I love LOVE this fic with my whole heart. It’ll be dropping on Valentine’s Day 💘 also would you guys enjoy alot of heeseungs povs because i think it would be soo funnyyy and and and guess who’s spending yet another Valentine’s alone?
drum rolls 🥁
MEEE 😛
But honestly? I kind of love this freedom. Writing, vibing, and doing my own thing feels right. I hope you have the best time reading it when it drops, and if you’d like to be added to the taglist, comment down below, pookies 🥰💗
oh and I highly suggest listening to “ABOUT LOVE” by MARINA while reading this. Trust me, it fits the vibe perfectly and the whole playlist will be dropping asap
> warnings — rom-com, humor, fluff and smut, reader is in a constant state of stress, descriptions of a small panic attack, heeseung is referred to as woody (it makes sense i swear), ariana grande is mentioned a handful of times, slight angst (for the plot yk), lots of refrences to marriage and getting married (this one might be obvious) // p in v, oral f! receiving, soft sex, missionary, fingering, unprotected sex, praise kink
> notes — my first published fic on this blog… gulp. kinda nervous. but please enjoy me spreading the blonde heeseung agenda. also i think you can tell that i like ariana grande after you read this.. still. i really hope you guys enjoy this as much as i enjoyed writing it. reblogs are so so appreciated and i love to hear from you guys!
What do you do when your ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend invite you to their wedding?
You ignore it. You don’t go, because, really, why would you? You don’t owe them some false sense of forgiveness simply because they assume enough time has passed for there to be no hard feelings. Any rational person knows that.
But…you are a people pleaser to the highest degree. It’s a trait that your mom used to say made you so good while your dad mumbled how it would get you in trouble one day. Seems one of them was right.
So now you’re sitting at the farthest corner table of the massive venue, a glass of wine swirling in your hand as the best-man gives his speech. He says something about the obstacles the couple overcame, how they managed to make something beautiful out of a bad situation.
The bad situation, of course, being you.
You aren’t sure how someone is able to make cheating on their girlfriend of six years with her childhood best friend seem like some kind of detour to getting a happy ending, but they do. And now people are cooing at it like their story is something out of a shitty rom-com on the Hallmark channel. You don’t miss the way people glance back at you either, like they’re waiting for you to either scream or cry. Maybe both. You just shoot them tight smiles, fingers tightening around your glass like it’ll ground you. (Newsflash, it doesn't.)
The night continues like that. You, sitting in the back corner wondering why you even came while people shoot you sympathetic looks. It’s kind of pathetic honestly. You should probably leave.
You can see Luke up there with Mandy, her shoulders shaking when she laughs at something he says. He looks at her differently than how he looked at you. He looks at her like she’s the gravity holding him onto earth–like he’d move the moon and stars if she simply asked. It’s sickening and…a little hurtful. Not that you’d ever admit that out loud.
Sometimes you wonder how you didn’t see it. Looking back, it was obvious. All the lingering looks. The way Luke always made an excuse as to why he couldn’t come over when Mandy was in town. They barely even tried to hide it and you still hadn’t seen it.
You sigh, sinking further into your chair. You wish this wine was stronger. You wish you hadn’t come. You wish–
“If you scoot down any more you’re going to fall off your chair.”
You blink, the sudden voice catching you off guard. You weren’t aware anyone was even behind you considering the majority of the attendees were either interacting with family-friends or dancing in the center of the room. The thought of a stranger seeing you like this should make you straighten up. It should make you mumble out a soft apology and then try not to die from mortification.
But, instead, all you can manage is a soft, “True.”
You don’t try to sit up. You don’t turn to look at him. You just stay frozen, your eyebrows knitted and lips twisted in a painful grimace, watching as Luke feeds Mandy a piece of cake. Strawberry, of course. Your mutual favorite, The one you’d bonded with him over when you’d first met.
The stranger doesn’t say anything else. Just quietly slips into the open seat next to you. The one covered in crumbs left by one of Luke’s younger cousins. You’d met the kid back when you and Luke were still together. He was one of those obnoxious kids always covered in a mysterious sticky substance with constant red rimmed lips. You couldn’t stand him back then, and you still can’t now. So it seems only fitting that you’d end up in the seat next to him.
Silence stretches again, not uncomfortable, but definitely not comfortable either. Just there. Just kind of awkward. Like you’re two middle schoolers at a school dance together waiting to see who makes the first move.
“So,” The stranger starts again, his voice casual and low, like you’re two best friends catching up. “Which one is it?”
Your gaze flicks over to him lazily, eyes catching on the side of his face. His hair falls over his eyes effortlessly, blonde strands framing him in that casually messy kind of way only a few men can pull off. He’s not looking at you, which your partially grateful for, and instead his eyes are trained where yours once were. On them.
But he isn’t looking at them like they’re the cutest thing he’d ever seen like everyone else is. In fact, you think he might be glaring at them. It nearly tugs a smile at your lips. At least you aren’t the only one here with a grudge.
You cross your arms over your chest, ignoring the way your lower spine has begun to slightly ache from your position. “Both,” You mumble, pulling your eyes away from him again. “You?”
He takes a moment to respond, like he’s deciding if he wants to answer. You think it’s only fair he does considering you did, but maybe he was trying to continue this mysterious cool guy act he had going on. You don’t really care either way.
He huffs out a breath, lips quirking slightly at the corners. “Neither.”
That catches your attention, because he says it like it’s a joke. Like he knows something you don’t. You straighten up finally, trying to pretend it’s because you wanted to and not because your back was starting to ache something mean.
He looks at you then, brown eyes glowing even under the dim lights. He looks…dangerous, as cringe inducing as that is. Like he’s playing a prank and you’re a part of it. Whether it’s as an accomplice or the punchline, you aren’t sure. You don’t think he is, either.
You squint your eyes at him, crossing your legs in an attempt to look serious. “What’d you say your name was again?”
He shrugs, fixing his tie like he’s attempting to be casual, but you know it’s because it’s hanging loosely across his neck in a way that screams i’m a grown man who can’t tie a tie. “What do you want it to be?”
You blink, your back hitting the seat when you lean back. It’s not like you’ve never had any weird interactions with people before. You were an awkward kid in high school and college, so bad interactions were kind of your thing. But this is different. This isn’t an uncomfortable game of spin-the-bottle that ends with your lip bleeding and a mutual agreement to avoid each other for the rest of your lives, this is something you aren’t sure how to navigate. You really aren’t even sure how you would go about attempting to.
You hum, blinking lazily. “I want you to just tell me,” You mumble, heeled foot tapping against the floor. “But I also know professional wedding crashers don’t usually share that information.”
He lets out a breathy laugh, his hand covering his eyes for a moment before falling back at his side. He smiles at you, lips revealing his teeth in a way that makes your stomach turn, even though it really shouldn’t. “You’re observant.” He mumbles, like he was expecting you to catch him. Like he wanted you to.
“Yeah, well,” you shrug, taking another sip of your wine, “I know everyone here except for you.”
“What if I’m the brides super extended twice removed uncle?”
You don’t even spare him a glance. “You’re not.”
A beat passes, like he’s trying to decide where he wants to take the conversation. You think he wants to ask you why you’re so miserable back here, what you’d meant when you said both earlier. But he doesn’t. Instead he just stands and offers a hand to you without a word.
You look up at him, tie hanging at an angle against his neck despite his attempt at fixing it earlier, lips curved into a smooth smirk like he knows what you’ll do next, brown eyes sparkling with something you can’t quite place.
You shouldn't take his hand. You should leave and pretend none of this ever happened and go back to living your life.
But instead, for reasons you’ll claim as a strange lapse in judgment later on, your hand finds his. You let him pull you onto your feet, don’t protest when he maneuvers so he’s holding your waist. Don’t make a noise when he saunters onto the dance floor with you, making sure you’re right in Luke and Mandy’s view.
“What’re you doing?” You ask, albeit a little breathless. The stranger just hums, his hands finding your waist again, more firm this time–confident. You can see Luke watching you from the corner of your eye, his nose scrunched in that way it always does when something confuses him. Mandy’s too busy talking to one of your old mutual friends, one of the many who had chosen her in the breakup and not you.
The sight of it makes you frown slightly. You focus back on the blonde man in front of you again, trying to ignore the pit in your stomach that never seems to leave. His lips are twisted upwards, staring at you like he can see right through you. Like maybe this was the entire reason he’d come tonight.
“Do you trust me?” He asks, loud enough that only you can hear it. His eyes flicker from your eyes, to your nose, to your lips, and then up again. Like he’s studying your reactions.
You frown, letting your arms wrap around his neck. “Absolutley not.”
He hums, low and deep, leaning into you in a way that has your head spinning. “Good.”
And then his lips are on yours, kissing you slow and deep. It’s the kind of kiss that screams desperation, one that should mean nothing–but means everything. And it’s strange, because you should pull away. Should slap him for doing this before he even tells you his name. But you don’t do any of that. Instead, you melt into it and kiss him back just as hungrily.
His lips are slightly chapped from the cold weather, but your own lipgloss does good to mask it. One of his hands trails from your waist to your cheek, tilting your face and forcing you impossibly closer. His tongue slips out for a brief moment, smoothing against your lip, and you swear you die right there.
It’s messy and too much but somehow not enough. He kisses you like a man-starved, and it nearly makes your head spin.
You aren’t sure who pulls away first, all you know is that when you do your chest is heaving and Luke and Mandy are speedwalking away towards something you can’t see.
You blink after a moment, the post-kiss fog clearing in your brain and reminding you that you do not know this man.
And yet he just kissed you like he’d been wanting to do it for years.
You want to be angry, you want to scream and ask him what the fuck is wrong with him. But instead, you laugh. A real, chest laugh that comes from somewhere deep in your stomach. He’s smiling too, the tips of his ears a fiery red. The first sign that he’s at least somewhat capable of embarrassment and not completely immune to every human emotion aside from spontaneity.
“You’re insane.” It comes out teasing, like something you’d say in passing to a friend, but you mean it.
He just shrugs, the hand still attached to your waist tightening just slightly. You can feel his fingers digging into your skin, but it isn’t painful. Just a reminder that he was there. That he’d just kissed you breathless after meeting you barely ten minutes ago.
“It’s charming, though, right?” He asks, eyes flickering behind you when some kid, you’re assuming Luke’s sticky cousin, starts crying.
You snort, rolling your eyes. “Charmings one word for it.”
“Come on,” He insists, “If I hadn’t shown up you would’ve still been sinking to the floor in the corner like some kind of sad clay statue.”
You raise a brow, “Okay, weird comparison.” You mumble, doing your best to ignore the smile threatening to break through again. “But…you still haven’t told me your name.”
He nods, looking at you like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Like the fact he was keeping his identity a secret from you was something he always did. It was weird, but, also kind of exciting?
God, you’ve got serious issues.
“Would it make you feel better if I just came up with one?”
You raise a brow, “Is it your real one?”
“That’s for me to know and you to find out.”
Your eyes narrow suspiciously, tongue pushing against your cheek in frustration. You don’t understand why he’s being so stingy about it. What kind of person sees kissing as less intimate then telling you his name? “If I tell you my name will you tell me yours?” You ask.
He lets out a breathy laugh, that cheeky smile he’s been sporting since you kissed never wavering. “No promises.”
You weigh your options in your mind. On one hand, you tell him your name and he keeps up this weird game of his and he gets the upper hand. On the other, you don’t tell him your name and you gain nothing and spend the rest of the night wondering what would’ve happened if you just told him. Plus, what if he’s feeling extra nice and decides to just tell you?
Either way, you were getting pretty sick of referring to him as the sexy stranger.
“Y/N,” You murmur, tone loud enough so he can hear over the sickeningly romantic music blasting through the venue speakers. Some sixties song you’d never heard before. “My name.”
He pauses, like the fact that you’d actually told him shocks him, and for the first time that smile of his falters. For some reason, it feels like a mini victory. But, he picks himself back up just as quickly, and suddenly it feels like you imagined all of it.
“Y/N,” he mumbles like he’s testing the name on his tongue. “Suits you.”
You shift on your feet, handle clasping together behind his neck. “What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask, searching his face like you’ll find something in it. An answer, maybe. An explanation as to who he was when he wasn’t doing whatever the hell this was.
“It means it’s pretty,” He says easily, eyes never leaving yours, “And it suits you.”
You swallow, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under his gaze. He says it so easily, like it’s an undeniable fact that he doesn’t even need to think twice about. Like saying the sky is blue. You hate that it makes your cheeks flush and butterflies light up in your stomach.
You let out a breath, trying to calm your buzzing nerves. “Whatever,” You mumble, “I told you mine. Your turn.”
He stares at you silently, like he’s studying you. Trying to piece together what the best course of action would be. To you, it’s obvious. Tell you his name, and then…yeah. You’d figure it out from there. But the only way things could progress was if you knew the most basic piece of information about him.
He just smiles, hands sliding up your arms looped around his neck and grabbing your wrists gently. He pulls them down, letting one fall down to your side and intertwining his own with the other.
“How would you feel about eating processed food that’ll probably kill us before we turn forty?” He asks, completely avoiding the topic. You part your lips to argue with him on it, ask him why you should go with him when he won’t even tell you his name, but nothing comes out. When he tugs you gently behind him, you don’t pull away. You let him lead you out of the building and into the empty parking lot.
The suns just barely began to set, casting the sky in different shades of pink and yellow. The moon fades slightly into the sky, not fully showing, but making its presence known. The air’s got a sharp chill to it, one that makes goosebumps rise across your skin, but isn’t completely unbearable.
“Where are we going?” You ask, heels clicking frantically against the pavement as he drags you away from your past. Away from worlds of hurt and towards something new. Something that feels too real for what it is.
You should be scared. You don’t really know—him, and yet you’re letting him lead you away from civilization. Even if that civilization is the families of the worst people you know.
He glances back at you, shrugging his shoulders casually. “You’re hungry, right?”
“I guess—”
He hums, finally stopping in front of a sleek black car. “Then let’s go eat.”
You blink, watching as he opens the passenger door for you and waits for you to step in.
Your lips twist uncomfortably, gaze switching between the suspiciously nice car and him. “This is yours?” You ask. You don’t mean for it to come out so accusatory, but what else were you supposed to think? The man crashes weddings for fun. Not exactly rich-and-has-his-life-together behavior.
He tilts his head slightly, leaning against the door. “What? I don’t look I could own a car like this?” He asks playfully. You know he’s teasing you, but it still makes your skin bristle.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” You say sharply, glaring at him through your lashes.
He just chuckles, gesturing towards the open door once again. “Come on,” He mumbles, eyes glinting playfully. “Or don’t. I can’t make you do anything.”
Part of you knows the sensible thing to do would be to go back into that building and pretend the last half an hour never happened. Go back to watching Luke and fucking Mandy be happy and in love as if they hadn’t stomped all over you to get there.
You get into the car without any more hesitance.
He smirks, shutting the door behind you and walking around the front to get to the driver's seat.
You let yourself look around as he does. A yellow tree air freshener hangs off of the rearview mirror—typical of a man really—and there’s a small collection of CD’s next to your feet.
You pick them up mindlessly when he finally slides in next to you, flipping through them like they might have his name engraved into them. (They don’t.)
There’s some stuff you kind of expected, like Queen and Metallica. Some Indie 2000’s band that people only listened to so they could feel different. But only one catches your eye.
“Ariana Grande? Really?” You snort, holding up the disc. Ariana Grande’s ‘My Everything’ sits between your fingers, her iconic stool photo shining back at you. You remember you’d tried to recreate it in middle school and sprained your ankle. Safe to say, lessons were learned that day.
He doesn’t even flinch, just plucks it out of your hands and pushes it into the car’s built in cd player. You think it’s kind of cute that he still uses it despite the fact his car is new enough to have an apple carplay screen.
“Love Me Harder is one of the best songs ever made,” He says, tongue swiping over his lips as he shoots you a look from the corner of his eye. You don’t argue, because, yeah, it is. You’re just a little shocked that he would think so.
He puts the car in reverse and pulls out of the parking space with ease, glancing behind him with a practiced confidence. You watch him do it, studying him without shame.
He’s different from anyone you’ve ever met. Mysterious, really, even if it makes you want to roll your eyes until thy get stuck in the back of your head. But there’s something else to him, something that feels nearly familiar. You wrack your brain to try to remember, but nothing comes up.
His eyes catch yours, that same, cunning grin curling into his lips. The one that made your stomach turn and nerves fry when he’d first sat down with you at the beginning of the night. The same one he’d given you when he’d kissed you breathless like you were two lovers and not two strangers.
And it’s then that you realize that you are irrevocably and extremely royally screwed.
When you’d gotten up this morning you expected the night to end the way they usually do nowadays. You, lying in your bed, doomscrolling until questionable hours of the night, hating yourself for it but still continuing to do so. Although this time you imagined there’d probably be some tears involved, because you are nothing if not overly sensitive. And they wouldn't be pretty tears either, no, they'd be ugly, fat boulders rolling down your cheeks like they were claiming a permanent space over your heart.
But that doesn't happen. Instead, you’re sitting on a suspiciously damp curb outside of some run-down Taco Bell infested with teenagers, eating a soft taco while what you’re really hoping is just mud seeps into your dress.
Blondie, what you’ve chosen to call him until you can come up with something better, sits beside you. His legs are stretched out into the street, face illuminated by the glowing neon Open sign as he takes a sip of his Baja Blast.
He's pretty in a way that should be illegal. Features fitting together like a finished puzzle, the kind of boy with a smile women pray their children have.
The drive here hadn't been uncomfortable, mostly because he seemed to be good at making small talk into some kind of casual conversation. Where you would've been awkward, he seems smooth. It's kind of impressive, but you also envy the talent.
He glances at you, placing his cup beside him and leaning back on his hands. “So, what happened?”
You blink. You know he’s asking about Luke and Mandy–about why you were there if you clearly had some kind of bitter history with them. But the truth is…you aren’t even sure yourself. Maybe deep down you were just some kind of masochist who enjoyed the ache seeing them brought to your heart. Or maybe you just wanted to feel like you finally had the upper hand when you all know you don’t. Either way, every outcome ended with you losing.
You lean your elbows onto your knees, hair falling over your shoulder as you turn your face towards him. “What do you mean?”
He doesn’t respond. Just stares at you knowingly, head tilting until his ear nearly brushes his shoulder. He raises his eyebrows at you, as if to say, Really? Playing dumb?
You hate that you break so easily.
You sigh, curling further into yourself, like that’ll make the story any less painful. Your lips tighten together, eyes falling to the floor. You don’t even know where to start. Do you tell him about meeting Mandy in middle school? How the two of you became an extension of eachother, two souls intertwined into one?
Or do you tell him about how you met Luke your freshman year of college? How he was the first boy to really sweep you off your feet and show you what it felt like to really love someone?
Or do you start at that day last year when you walked in on them going at it like rabbits in your bed?
All options were equally as painful.
You grip the fabric of your dress uncomfortably, like maybe it'll ground you. “Mandy was my best friend,” You start, eyes glazing over just like they always do when you say this story aloud. “Luke was my boyfriend. One day I came home and…yeah. And now they’re getting married and I'm…still alone.” You mean to say it like a joke, like your loneliness doesn't actually bother you, but your voice cracks and sounds way too small to be convincing.
Blondie just listens. Doesn’t push, doesn’t ask any questions. Just a stable presence listening to you without suffocating you.
Your hands shake slightly, eyes beginning to blur with unshed tears that you force back. Your throat gets that awful aching feeling it always does when you’re about to cry. You suck in a sharp breath in an attempt to get your feelings in check, and if Blondie notices, he doesn’t say anything about it.
Instead, his gaze flicks up to the sky. There aren’t many stars out, mostly because you're still relatively close to the city and normally Taco Bell’s don't have the northern lights above them, but he still studies it like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.
The silence stretches languidly, a tension in the air that you can’t help but feel like you caused. You probably made him uncomfortable, and he was deciding the best way to tell you he’s leaving you here and to find your own way home. Which is fine, but you should probably go ahead and call Sunoo and ask him to pick you up.
You’re reaching for your phone when he responds. His tone is the softest you’d heard it all night, hair blowing slightly across his forehead when the breeze picks up. “You’re here with me, right?” He murmurs, eyes anywhere but you.
You watch the side of his face, trying to decide what kind of point he’s hoping to make. Yeah, you’re here with him, but you didn’t mean alone in such a direct way. More in a I-lost-my-bestfriend-and-boyfriend-and-can’t-get-over-it kind of way. Still, you go along with him. “I guess,” You hum, sniffling softly. The tears forming in your eyes have finally begun to subside.
He smiles softly, letting his gaze meet yours. His eyes are warm, staring into your own like melted pools of honey. “Then you’re not alone.” He murmurs, knocking your shoulder with his. He's got this proud look in his eyes--like he just gave some big speech on accepting your life and whatnot.
You laugh, shaking your head. You sit up straighter, letting your hands replace your elbows on your knees. “Is that your way of comforting me?” You ask.
He just shrugs, gesturing to you softly. “You’re not crying anymore, are you?”
Your lips part, because, no, you aren’t crying anymore. In fact, the tight feeling in your chest has been replaced by something lighter. Something more warm and less all-consuming.
You lean back on your hands, letting your gaze fall up to the sky. “No,” You mumble, “I guess I’m not.”
The air shifts after that, tension slipping into something softer. Something comfortable. Something that nearly makes you forget you just met him and haven’t known him for years.
You crumble your wrapper (it'd been sitting discarded next to you and nearly flew away multiple times), into a ball and stuff it into the paper bag. With it out of the way, you allow yourself to scoot closer to him. Not close enough that you’re touching, but close enough that you can feel the heat emitting from his body. Can feel his gaze on you as you shift, eyes filled with curiosity and something else you can’t quite name.
“How’s it fair that I keep telling you about myself while you get to keep all your secrets?” You ask, eyebrows knit together. You aren’t angry about it, not anymore at least. Now it’s just confusing. Like he’s hiding things from you for a reason and not just because he managed to sneak into a wedding.
He’s silent, like he’s thinking about what his next play should be. You’ve noticed he does that a lot. Plans what he's going to say before he does, like he’s trying to decide what’s acceptable and what’s not.
“I like Toy Story,” He mumbles, turning lazily towards you. “Does that help?"
You pretend to think it over for a moment, leaning your chin into your palm. “Depends,” You shrug, dragging the word out. “Which movies your favorite?”
He doesn’t even blink when he responds. “The third one, of course," He scoffs, like he's offended you even asked. "That plot twist with Latso’s insane. And the monkey scene? Terrifying.”
You shrug, lips twisting thoughtfully. “True, but the scene of Jessie being thrown out in the second movie is the most iconic moment in all of the films. That song never fails to make me cry.”
He has a physical reaction at the mention of the scene, squeezing his eyes shut and grasping at his heart like he’s in pain. “Don’t mention that song around me again or I swear I’ll throw up.”
You laugh, throwing your head back and pushing his shoulder. He grins at the contact, teeth flashing and upper lip curling slightly.
“Okay, but can we both agree the ending of the fourth one was awful?” You scoff, hands gesturing wildly, “In what world would Woody leave behind his friends and his kid?”
He nods wildly in agreement, snapping his fingers like you've just said something Nobel Peace Prize worthy. “Oh, absolutely. I just pretend that movie doesn’t exist. I can’t watch them ruin Woody’s character like that.”
You kiss your teeth, definitely too worked up over a kids movie, but you can’t find it in yourself to care. Not when the man next to you starts to go into a deep dive into Latso’s character and how he was just a really misunderstood bear with abandonment issues.
You listen intently, genuinely interested. You’ve never met someone with such strong opinions on an animated bear, but he manages to make it sound so intellectual you almost forget you’re talking about Toy Story.
“You’re really passionate about this, huh?” You tease. He flushes like you’ve just reached out and kissed him, a hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck.
“Is that a bad thing?” He questions softly.
You shake your head, “No,” You draw out, tone low in that playful kind of way. “Just not what I expected.”
He hums, letting his gaze wander over your face and across the space behind you. He tucks his knees closer to his chest, tie hanging helplessly against his neck. “I’m full of surprises.” He says, clearly trying to be cheeky, but his tone is too soft to properly convey it.
You don’t respond, instead copying him and tucking in your knees. Your ankles rest against the curve, arms hugging your legs closer to your body.
The silence fills the space comfortably. You don’t feel any reason to fill it with mindless conversation, not like you normally would. Instead, for the first time in a long time, you feel like you can just be. No expectations, no nothing. Just two people existing in the same space.
“Shit,” He huffs under his breath suddenly. You turn to look at him staring down at his phone, eyebrows furrowed in frustration and thumbs moving frantically over his phone.
You raise a brow, “Something wrong?”
He swallows, taking in a breath and letting his phone fall to his lap. He shoots you a sheepish smile, “Something came up at work,” He tells you bashfully, slapping his hands on his knees as he stands. You follow, the hem of your dress blowing in the wind.
He nods towards his car, “Let me take you home?” He asks, holding out a hand for you.
You glance down at it and resist the urge to tell him that you don’t exactly have many other options right now—not unless you feel like dealing with Sunoo’s attitude for waking him up or paying a ridiculous amount of money for an uber. (Both of which you really don’t feel like doing). But the gesture in itself is sweet as long as you don’t think too hard about giving your address to a man who won’t even tell you his name.
So, after zero to no contemplation, you take his hand and allow him to lead you back to his car. He does the whole gentleman act again, opening your door and all that. Sweet, really.
By the time you tell him your address and he pulls out of the parking lot your eyes are heavy with sleep. Ariana Grande plays gently through the speakers, her voice unfortunately lulling you to sleep. He doesn’t say anything when your head slowly tilts towards the window, nor when your eyes start to drift closed. He just glances at you knowingly, fingers gripping the wheel tightly, overly aware of the road in front of him. He’d always been a bit of a reckless driver, speeding on empty country roads, forgetting to turn on his signal when he changed lanes. But tonight he drives careful. Smooth. Like he's moving something precious.
You don’t even register the car stopping. It’s not until he shakes your shoulder lightly do you stir, your head shooting up and a hand coming to wipe down your face. “I’m up, I’m up,” You mumble, voice slightly coarse.
He grins, one hand resting on the wheel and the other tapping against the center console. “Nice place,” He says, jutting his chin towards the window.
You shrug, too tired to care if he’s teasing or if he means it genuinely. Not like you’d ever be seeing him again anyway. You hum, stretching out your arms.
You look over to him, giving him one last look over, memorizing the small bump on his nose and the prominent curve of his cupid's bow.
This guy, whoever he is, is by far one of the most interesting people you’ve ever met in your life. Maybe that’s why you let him kiss you--why you let him take you for shitty fast food despite the risks. Your chest feels hollow at the thought of leaving him—especially because you know the chances of ever seeing him again are slim to none. You can’t even look him up online either, which really sucks and is going to piss Sunoo off when you tell him about all this.
He raises a brow, leaning back in his seat as he watches you. “What is it?” He asks, a small, embarrassed laugh escaping him.
You part your lips to answer, but nothing comes out. How do you say, Oh, you kind of changed my life so now I'm trying to memorize your face so that when I'm old I can tell my kids about the man that should’ve been their father—without sounding like a total creep?
The answer is simple: You can't.
So, instead you just shake your head, letting your gaze fall to the door. “Nothing.”
He doesn’t say anything, just watches as you pull the handle and slip out of the car. The air is chillier now, sending goosebumps up your arms, but you don’t rush inside. Instead, you let your gaze fall back onto him, lingering there like you're hoping for him to do something.
He blinks, shooting you a small smile. One that says more than he’s willing to say out loud. “I’ll see you around?”
You hum, disspointment curling in your chest even though you know it shouldn't. “Yeah,” You murmur, “I’ll see you around, Woody.”
And then you're closing the door and walking away, not even glancing back at him once. It’s not until you're inside and he’s been sitting outside long enough for it to be considered creepy does he realize what you called him.
Woody. Like fucking Toy Story.
And for some reason, he really hopes he’ll be able to hear you say it again.
“Okay, wait, let me get this straight,” Sunoo snorts, head hanging off of the edge of your bed. You can see him watching you through your vanity mirror. “You met some rando guy at the wedding from hell, let him kiss you, take you to eat, and drive you home–all without knowing his name?”
You roll your eyes, smacking your lips together as you apply your last bit of lipgloss. You had an interview for a promotion at work today, one that you’ve been both dreading and unreasonably excited for.
“Yes, that is what I said.” You grumble. It’s only been two days since your encounter with Woody, a fitting nickname in your opinion given his expert analysis on Toy Story, but you haven’t been able to stop thinking about him.
Which shouldn't be all that surprising, considering everything that happened, but it was a serious inconvenience for you at the moment. You had more important things to worry about that didn't include a beautiful blonde man with a sweet smile.
Sunoo rolls onto his tummy, shooting you a glare. “Well, excuse me for trying to wrap my head around all of…that.”
You don't even blink. “You’re excused.”
He rolls his eyes, pushing himself up onto his knees and then maneuvering his position so he’s sitting criss-crossed on your bed. You fluff up your hair again, turning your head from side to side and assessing your makeup. It’s casual, something that says I-tried-but-not-too-hard. Something you've deemed safe for an interview.
“I’m just saying,” Sunoo continues, beginning to scroll mindlessly on his phone, “It’s just not like you. I mean, it took you months before you even let Luke hold your hand.”
You sigh, whipping around and grabbing your computer from your desk. You shove it into your bag roughly, wincing when it catches on a stray paper and rips it slightly. “I know that,” You huff, annoyed and slightly overstimulated, “It’s-I don't know- it just happened!”
Sunoo’s nose scrunches slightly. You can tell he wants to argue, but he’s been your friend since your freshman year of college, so he knows when to push back and when not to. You're grateful for his kind of sixth sense, because if he would’ve said anything else you're not sure your friendship would survive the aftermath.
The office is busy, just like it always is, but today it makes you anxious. Someone walks too closely behind you, making you self-conscious about your pace. Should you speed up? If you did, would it be obvious that you did because of them?
Sunoo walks calmly beside you, Iced Coffee in one hand and phone in the other. He smiles at some reel on his screen, nudging your shoulder to show you. You barely glance at it, letting out a short hum of acknowledgment and going back to gnawing anxiously on your lower lip.
It’s not like you’re super worried. You’ve been working here for five years, head journalist in the sports department for two. The promotion should go to you–but just because it should doesn’t mean it will.
Your stomach knots up again.
By the time you reach the elevators you’re so pale you could be Dracula’s daughter. Sweat collects on your hands, and, wow is it getting hot in here?
“Sunoo,” You manage to grit out, eyes wide with panic. “I think I’m dying.”
He looks up from his phone then, and when his eyes land on you his expression immediately turns serious.
“Y/N,” He says, not harsh—just to the point. “You are not going to die because of an interview. You are going to go answer some bullshit questions about things you know you excel at, and then we’re going to celebrate at that coffee shop off of 5th Street, okay?”
You nod shakily, breathing still a little uneven. “Okay, okay, okay,” You mumble. “I got this.”
He nods, placing a hand on your arm, “You got this.”
God, you really hope you do.
The interview is over as quickly as it started. You were shaking the whole time admittedly, giving practiced answers and praying your voice doesn’t crack. (It did—but only once. So kind of a win but also not?)
Sunoo, as promised, takes you to coffee after. The cafe’s barely a block away from your work, and you hate to admit that you’ve definitely spent more money here the necessary.
The scent of coffee beans and steamed milk hits your nose when you push the door open. Most people are still at work or school, so it’s relatively empty aside from a few stragglers.
“We’ll sit over there,” Sunoo says, lazily pointing towards a table by the back. It’s the same one you always sit at—one you’d joked had been specifically made for late night work sessions and early morning complaints.
You take your seats across from each other, your legs crossed and his outstretched until they nearly touch your feet.
“So,” He says, drawing out the world playfully. “How do you feel?”
You shrug, bottom lip finding it's place in between your teeth once more. You answered everything how you think they wanted you to, but was that enough? What if they wanted you to go beyond and give answers that were more intellectual than what you did? What if they gave it to that guy who spent 30 minutes perfecting the amount of sugar in his coffee instead of you?
You sigh, shoulders drooping slightly. “I don’t know. Good, I guess? But… also not.”
He raises a brow, arms crossing over his chest as he leans back in his chair. “What's that mean?”
“I’m just anxious, I think. Like, I know I probably did good, but there’s that little part of me that feels like I didn’t.”
Sunoo hums, a puff of air escaping him as he does. “You need to stop being so hard on yourself,” He mutters, eyes locking onto yours. “You and I both know no one in that office deserves it more than you do.”
“I know.”
He fixes you with a look, chin tilting slightly. “Do you?”
You don’t respond to that. Not because you don’t want to, but because you can’t. You’ve always had a knack for overthinking things, even when there was no reason to. That’s why your actions with Woody had been so surprising. Any other time you would’ve burst into flames at the mere thought of letting him kiss you like that, but for some reason you had–and you hadn’t even thought twice about it.
Your leg shakes uncomfortably, toes bouncing against the marble floor. Sunoo seems to sense your discomfort, and despite not wanting to, easily switches the topic.
“Anyway. Let’s talk about something other than your inability to give yourself credit–” He says cheekily, ignoring the glare you shoot at him, “What’re you wearing to Jay's wedding next month?”
You groan, throwing your head back before whipping it right back. “I completely forgot about that!” You cry. With the stress of your interview and whatever had happened last week with Woody your mutual friend’s wedding had completely slipped your mind.
Jay was one of the only friends who had chosen your side after everything blew up with Luke. He, along with Sunoo and one of your other friends Lizzie (Who Jay was now engaged to), had spent months making sure anyone who asked knew exactly what had really happened. They took any chance they could to drag Luke and Mandy through the mud, which you were secretly thankful for. Of course you told them to stop simply because it was the right thing to do, but inside you were cheering them on. Not that you’d ever tell them that.
“Wow,” Sunoo laughs, reaching a hand up to cover his mouth. “You really have been distracted then.”
You resist the urge to bury your head in your hands. “What am I even supposed to wear? I know Lizzie said she has a specific aesthetic in mind but I doubt I own anything with the exact same shade of pink as her fucking baby blanket.”
Sunoo shrugs, head tilting slightly. “Don’t think so hard about it.” He says, “I’m sure they’ll have something at the mall.”
Your nose scrunches, a hand coming up to pinch the bridge. “Whatever,” You huff, “I’ll probably just borrow something from someone.”
The conversation continues like normal after that, just like two friends having a casual meet together. But admittedly, your mind keeps drifting elsewhere–to a certain nameless blonde with honey brown eyes.
Maybe–just maybe–he’ll be at Jay and Lizzie’s wedding. And even though you know you shouldn’t, you secretly hope he is.
Jay and Lizzie’s wedding is much more comfortable for you than the last one had been. The reception was beautiful--filled with baby pink accents and subtle peonies. Notably, it didn’t make you want to claw your eyes out--and you’re actually able to converse with people instead of sitting in the back like some antisocial outcast.
You laugh at something Sunoo says, head tilting back and wine splashing out of your glass. Lizzie and Jay are somewhere on the dance floor, looking at each other like how people do when they’ve met their person. It’s sweet, really. There isn’t anybody who deserves their happy ending more than them.
You lean into Sunoo, raising your voice as you stumble slightly on your feet. You weren't exactly tipsy, just bordering between the laand of clear minded and not. “I’m gonna go get another drink,” You tell him.
He nods, waving you off and continuing his conversation with an old friend from College–Soobin. You liked Soobin. He was funny and pretty in that boy-next-door kind of way, but he's always felt too elusive for you. The kind of man who seeped through your fingers like sand.
You weave through the countless bodies, mumbling apologies when you bump someone's shoulder. The open bar is located near the back corner, lined with multiple men trying to flirt with uninterested women. The sights more amusing than anything, really.
You squeeze through a couple, ignoring the man's glare and shooting the girl a subtle wink. She whispers a quiet thank you, grabbing her fruity cocktail and making her escape back to her friends.
It takes a moment for the bartender to notice you, but he shoots you a practiced grin when he does, notepad already in hand. “And what can I get for you, pretty lady?”
You laugh louder than intended, face flushing with heat. “A Strawberry Daquiri, maybe? Something light.”
He laughs, and you can tell it’s meant to be smooth, but it comes off wrong. Doesn’t make warmth bloom in your chest, doesn’t make you want to hear it again and again. Just lands far, far away from you.
“Usually something like that takes me awhile" He says slowly, leaning over the counter slightly. "But for you? I'll be faster then lightning." He winks once, then swirls around on his foot and attends to the man across the bar. You watch him go, chin resting in your hand, debating if you felt flattered or not.
“A Strawberry Daquiri? Really?”
It takes a moment for you to even register someone’s talking to you, and even longer for you to register who it is. You blink, whipping your head to the side. Woody’s standing there staring at the menu, strands of blonde hair falling over his forehead. He looks the same as he did the night you met him–loose tie, cheeky smile. The very same man you’d been thinking about before bed every night.
You stand up straighter, resting an arm against the counter and facing your body towards him. “What are you doing here?” You mean for it to come off serious and demanding, but your underlying relief slips through like waves in an open current.
He looks towards you lazily, like you were the weird one for asking. “Could ask you the same thing.”
You squint your eyes at him, “The bride and groom are my friends.”
He just grins, eyes shining at you in that way that you know means trouble. “Maybe I know them too.”
“You don’t.”
He shoots back quickly. “How are you so sure?”
Your lips part, but nothing comes out. Something about him is so infuriating it literally puts your brain on pause. You huff, rolling your eyes slightly. “You’re annoying.”
He lets out a low hum, resting his hip on the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. “And yet you’re still talking to me.”
You want to deny him-- say it was because you were waiting for your drink and he was there, but you know that’s a weak lie. You know it’s because you’d been secretly hoping he’d show up, and now that he had, leaving his side was the last thing on your mind.
You don’t respond, instead just shrugging and turning away from him. You focus your eyes to the front, watching as the bartender moves swiftly between taking orders and making drinks. You feel Woody take a step closer to you, the scent of his cologne making your senses go blind. He smells like cedar and linen, subtle enough to go unnoticed by anyone not paying close attention. But that’s exactly the problem–you can’t stop paying attention to him.
The bartender returns with your drink, shooting you a wink when he hands it over, one you barely notice. Instead, you're trying to ignore the way Woody’s mere presence makes your nerves light on fire and goosebumps rise against your skin.
“He was flirting with you.” He smirks, nudging your shoulder with his own.
You roll your eyes, stirring your drink with your straw before taking a slow sip. “He definitely wasn’t.”
You push off the counter and begin to walk away, trying to seem nonchalant despite the fire growing beneath your skin. Woody follows you seamlessly, lips curled in a toothy grin, his tongue poking the inside of his cheek. “He winked at you.”
You turn to him over your shoulder, raising a brow. “So?”
He doesn’t reply to that, just keeps following you closely like he’s afraid of losing you in the crowd.
“Where are you sitting?” You ask, gesturing lamely towards the array of tables. He nods towards one in the back, clearly meant for decoration and not guests. You glance at him from the corner of your eye, trying to hide the way your lips quirk up in a near smile. “Seriously?”
He shakes his head in mock confusion, shoving his hands in his pockets. “What?” He asks, completely serious. “It’s nice and secluded. Away from any prying eyes, if you know what I mean.”
You can’t help but laugh at his ridiculousness, shoulders shaking slightly as you do. “You’re seriously ridiculous.” You mumble, taking his hand and dragging him back towards your own table near the front. He doesn’t argue, but his eyes go wide and the tips of his ears flush a dangerous shade of pink.
Sunoo notices you approaching first, his lips parted over his glass and his eyebrows raised. Soobin is too consumed with something on his phone to even register what's happening around him.
“Guys,” You announce, dropping Woody’s hand and instead using it to present him like your modeling your cat for a cat show. “This is…um…”
You remember then that you don't know his name. The same man that you'd been thinking about every day was the same man who'd rather kiss you then properly introduce himself to you.
“Woody.” He finishes for you, locking his gaze onto yours. “That’s what all my friends call me, at least.”
You blink, nodding softly. “Yeah,” You force yourself not to get lost in his eyes. Try to remind yourself that even though he's looking at you like that--it doesn't mean anything. “Woody.”
“Like Toy Story?” Soobin asks, finally looking away from his phone.
You just ignore him, instead pulling out the chair next to you for him to sit at. He does so easily, slipping into it like he belongs there.
Sunoo gives you a look, one that subtly says, who the fuck is this and why have I never seen him before?
You return it with a look of your own. I’ll tell you later.
The tables tense at first, Soobin and Sunoo clearly trying to adjust to the new setting, but any tension is easily dispelled by Soobin. “But, seriously, did your parents name you after Toy Story?”
Woody laughs, eyes crinkling slightly at the corners as he does. “Uh, I guess so.” He shrugs, glancing towards you. “They have a pretty weird sense of humor.”
Soobin just hums his agreement, mumbling something about wishing his own parents named him after a disney character.
“So, how do you two know each other?" Sunoo asks, taking a casual sip of his wine. You have to admit, he’s good at getting what he wants without making it seem like that’s what he’s doing. He’s got the whole innocent, curious bystander act down to a T. But you know he’s just nosy and doesn’t know how to mind his own business.
“Uh,” Woody clears his throat, “Work?”
“Righttt,” Sunoo drawls, clearly not believing the lie. “And what exactly is it that you do Woody?”
You swallow uncomfortably, “He’s the…janitor.”
Woody coughs, kicking your shin lightly under the table. “The head janitor,” You continue, “Just got a promotion recently.”
Sunoo nods, still eyeing you both suspiciously, but either he’s too drunk to question you further or he just stopped caring. Either way, you’re thankful.
Conversation flows smoothly after that. The four of you (Well, everybody except Woody, who kept any personal questions as vague as possible), share stories from college and highschool, laughing until your cheeks hurt and the hours blend together like smudges of paint on an old pallet. Speeches are given, drinks are shared, and the music shifts from classy to downright dirty.
There’s a few stragglers on the dance floor, mostly drunk old ladies and their husbands–slow dancing to songs that didn’t call for it. You’re sitting in comfortable silence, pretending to keep up with whatever it is Sunoo and Soobin are deep in conversation about. Something about which disney princess had it the hardest. You think the obvious answer is Belle, but you’d rather not get chewed alive for even thinking about sharing your irrelevant opinion.
Woody sits beside you quietly, eyes glancing at you every so often like he wants to say something. You want to ask him what it is, but your eyes keep drooping slightly and the thought of talking makes your head hurt. Drinking always makes you tired, so you aren’t sure why you keep doing it–especially at public events.
Ariana Grande’s Love Me Harder begins to trickle through the speakers, the beginning notes familiar in your ears. Woody practically shoots up at the sound of it, lips parted slightly, staring you down like you’ll move if he looks at you hard enough.
You peak over at him, lips pursued slightly. “What?” You mumble.
He points to the ceiling, knee bouncing in excitement. “The song.” He states.
You stretch out your arms in front of you, confusion written all over your face. “What about it?”
He doesn’t say anything else, instead just grabbing your hand and pulling you towards the dance floor before you can even think about protesting.
Your eyes are wide when you get there, a breathless laugh escaping your lips. “What are you doing?” You ask in disbelief. Your body is stiff, glancing around at the people next to you. There's a young girl in her twenties singing along to the song with her friend, the both clearly drunk. And on the other side is a man way too old to still be seeking dates at weddings, but he does so anyway, eyes glued to every woman that walks past him.
Woody shrugs, beginning to nod his head to the beat. “Dancing.”
You snort, a hand coming up to cover your mouth when he starts moving the rest of his body. He’s a good dancer, but you feel awkward standing here watching him like this. He lips the song dramatically, holding an invisible microphone in front of him.
“Oh my God,” You mumble, “You’re so weird.”
He just shrugs, clearly unbothered. “It’s fun,” He says matter-of-factly. “Try it.”
You immediately shake your head, looking towards Sunoo for rescue, but he’s too busy arguing with Soobin to notice your dire calls for help.
When it becomes clear that you'll have to get out of this yourself, you take a deep breath and try to explain without sounding like a total weirdo. “I...can’t,” You state uncomfortably, taking a step back to build much needed space between you. “I’m not much of a dancer.”
Woody doesn’t even flinch when you say that. Instead, he grabs your hand and pulls you closer again. You stumble forward, chest touching his, but he stabilizes you with a hand at your waist. “So?” He says softly, eyes shining. “It’s just me and you.”
He’s right. No one’s paying attention to the two of you, too focused on themselves and what they're doing. But it still doesn’t do much to curve the nerves growing deep in your chest.
You shake your head, “I don’t know–”
He doesn’t let you finish, instead using his free hand to poke your forehead gently. “Stop thinking so much,” He says, beginning to sway around gently, “And just feel the music.”
Your breath catches in your throat, heat crawling up your neck. His words shouldn’t make you feel like this, but for reasons you’d rather push down and ignore forever, they do. And so, you listen.
Your movements are stiff at first, arms mechanical like you’re thinking about everything before you do it. Woody watches with a grin, his tie swaying back and forth with every swing of his hips. You’re surprised it hasn’t given up completely and crumbled onto the floor.
His hands find your waist again, guiding your movements until they're smoother, less like a robot and more like you’re gliding through butter. “There you go,” He chuckles, voice coming out a little breathless.
Your lips quirk up faintly as you get the hang of it, your nerves dissolving until you feel like you’re floating. Woody watches you shamelessly, continuing to mouth the words. He gets on his knees dramatically when the ending chorus comes on, singing into his invisible microphone during The Weeknds lines. When Ariana’s turn comes on again he tilts it towards you with a grin.
You laugh, singing her part and then pulling him back onto his feet. He pretends to stumble dramatically, grabbing onto his shoulder like you’ve hurt him. You just roll your eyes and keep dancing.
You continue like that well into the night. People walk by, shooting you sideways glances, all of which you hardly notice. For the second time, this nameless man has managed to coax you out of your shell, and all without even trying.
Soon enough, the couple does their sendoff, leaving you and all the others outside. Sunoo’s busy getting the uber while you sit on the curb, a hint of a smile on your face that you can’t quite wipe away.
You don’t turn when someone sits besides you, already too aware of who it is.
“So,” He breathes out, whistling low. “Tonight was fun.”
“Yeah,” You agree softly, hugging your knees to your chest. “It was.”
Theres a pause, and then, “You’re a horrible dancer, by the way.”
You elbow him so hard he nearly topples over.
“I'm kidding, I’m kidding! Truce!” He laughs, throwing his hands up in surrender.
You glare at him, though there isn’t any resentment behind it. “You’re an asshole.”
He blinks, expression going soft. “An asshole you’d like to give your phone number to?”
That stuns you. Your head shoots up, gaze locking onto his. He looks almost sheepish, eyebrows knit together and hands tapping against his lap.
You chew on the inside of your cheek, giving him a once-over. “I still don’t even know your name.”
He nods, like he’d been expecting rejection. “I know,” He murmurs, “I just…I want it to keep being like this for a while, yeah? Just me and you.”
Just me and you. He says it like it's a fact of nature. Like the two of you would be together well into the future. It's a thought that makes your throat constrict, though you don't know why.
You turn your gaze towards the road. “I don’t see how your name is going to change that.”
He shrugs, copying your actions and staring off into the dark. “Maybe it won’t,” He swallows, adams apple bobbing. “Or maybe it will.”
You cross your arms onto your knees and lean down on them, successfully hiding your face. You should say no. Should stand up, remember what it means to have self-respect, and walk away from him for good. What use is there in getting involved with a man you don’t even really know?
But then your eyes find the side of his face, eyes trailing down until you can see the rise and fall of his chest. In truth, he looks straight out of some cheesy romance novel you’ll read once and then compare every real-life romantic encounter to.
But it isn’t just his looks. It’s him. The way he gets you to open up so easily, pulling you out of your comfort zone without even blinking.
Meeting once was a coincidence. But twice? Maybe…there was something pulling you towards each other that you couldn’t quite see. Something that wants you to memorize all his outlines even if it’ll inevitably end with your undoing.
You sigh, opening your phone and nonchalantly handing your phone to him.
He glances at it, eyes dragging towards you. There’s a sly grin on his face when he takes your phone from you, fingers brushing yours as he does.
“Knew you’d give in.” He teases, typing his contact information.
You scoff, nudging his shoulder with yours. “Don’t get a big head about it.”
“Too late.”
Sunoo approaches then, shoulders curled in on himself, clearly exhausted. “Are you done flirting yet? The Uber’s about to be here and if I don’t get in my bed ASAP someone is going to die.”
You flush, eyes going wide as you shoot him a warning look. “Sunoo.” You hiss.
Woody chuckles, waving you off. “Go ahead,” He nods, “Just text me when you get home, okay?”
“Uh,” You blink, standing and letting Sunoo drag you away. “Yeah, okay. Sure. I can do that.”
Sunoo complains in your ear, something about Soobin ticking him off, but you’re not listening. Instead your head is turned, watching Woody get smaller and smaller the further you get.
You don’t hear from Woody for two weeks. A fact you are painfully aware of, even though you’re trying very hard to seem like you’re not. Sunoo has commented on your apparent inability to sit still, constantly checking your phone like it holds the secret to life. You lie through your teeth every time he points it out, claiming that you’re just anxious to get the results for the promotion.
And while that is true, it’s not why your shoulders sag every time you're met with a notification from your mom instead of the person you actually want to hear from.
It’s not like you care. (You do). He clearly has better things to do than text you, and that’s okay! (You’re seriously starting to lose your mind).
Maybe it would be better if you had some kind of idea of what his day-to-day life looked like, but you don’t. And every time you remember that it’s a painful reminder that the man running circles in your mind is someone you don't actually know, no matter how much you try to act like you do.
You’ve tried to piece him together in your mind more times than you can count. Imagining him behind a desk, making deals over the phone. Or maybe he did something humbler, like volunteering for nonprofits or working at animal shelters. Anything was possible really.
It feels like you’ve begun to make up an entire life for him, one you know isn’t real yet brings a smile to your face every time you imagine him doing whatever task it is you’ve conjured up. Would he be more into movies or books? Did he like his coffee hot or cold? Why was he so obsessed with Ariana Grande?
You sigh, sinking deeper into your pillows. Your phone lays abandoned at your side, screen dimming until it eventually goes dark. Scrolling doesn’t even bring you comfort anymore, which is pretty inconvenient for you considering your mind seems to go a mile a minute without it.
You’d texted him like promised when you got home after Jay and Lizzie’s wedding, telling him that you’d made it home and had had a good time. (You wanted to say had a good time with him–but decided that was probably too forward and quickly deleted it.)
He’d responded immediately something about being glad you made it home and that he hoped to see you again soon.
And then that was that.
No more texts. No more encounters. Just the lingering memory of a man with no name who managed to seep into the cracks of your heart like sticky syrup.
It happens a couple days later. Your phone dings, but you’re so engrossed in writing another article on olympic figure skater Park Sunghoon to really register it.
It’s not until it dings again do you spare it a glance, and there sitting casually against the screen like he hasn’t consumed your life is Woody. Or, more specifically, his text bubble.
You scramble to grab it, ignoring how your computer slides off your lap and instead ripping your phone from the charger. Is it pathetic? Maybe.
Woody: Hey
Woody: Are you busy Saturday?
Your breath catches slightly, bottom lip finding purchase in between your teeth. He’s asking you a very normal, simple question. The kind of thing people ask their friends all the time. So why does it feel so different coming from him?
It takes you longer then you’d like to admit for you to respond. Everything you come up either feels too rehearsed or too casual. Should you use punctuation? He had in his second text but not the first, so that doesn’t exactly give you much to work with.
You eventually settle on something safe.
Y/N: Hi
Y/N: I’m not really sure yet. Why?
It’s a lie. In truth, your only plans on Saturday are sitting on your couch rewatching New Girl. But you don’t want him to know how much of a loser you actually are. Plus, if he can have secrets, you think it’s only fair you do too.
Woody: There’s a wedding this weekend. Friend told me about it…thought you might want to come.
Woody: Only if you’re available, of course. I’m sure you’re veryyy busy.
You scoff, lips curving into a smile. Of course he sees right through you–somehow able to read you even without seeing you.
That’s how you end up in a dress you’d gotten from Goodwill the night before, pacing in your living room while you wait for Woody to pick you up. You’d told him you’d meet him there, but he’d insisted he come get you instead. When you asked why he’d simply said: Pretty ladies shouldn’t be expected to lift a finger when invited somewhere.
And, yeah. You had squealed into your pillow like a middle school girl when he said that. But–whatever. That’s besides the point.
The point is that you’re about to go wedding crashing with a man who you feel like you know everything about when you really know nothing! Put that on a dating podcast.
You freeze when the doorbell rings, eyes going wide and pulse jumping in your ears. You force yourself to take several deep breaths, smoothing down the ends of your hair and doing your best to look casual and not like you were mid panicking.
You creak the door open slowly, and the sight that greets you is one that makes you pause. Woody’s there, same loose tie, same coy smile–but he’s holding flowers. A giant bouquet filled with a rainbow of different colored plants.
He looks almost shy, holding it out to you like he’s scared you’ll reject them. “I didn’t know which ones were your favorites,” He huffs out a laugh through his nose, “So I just got as many as possible.”
“That’s…” You clear your throat, trying to seem unaffected, when in reality your heart is spasming. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.”
He shrugs, trying to seem casual, but you can see the pink in his cheeks. “Wasn’t any problem.”
“Still,” You insist, taking the bouquet from him and setting it on your kitchen island. You open your cabinet and pull out a pink vase. “You didn’t have to do that.”
He swallows, watching as you carefully fill the vase with water and then peel the flowers out of their packaging. You do it gently, careful not to bump any of the petals and accidently damage them.
He lets out a shaky breath, like the site of you being so domestic is too much to handle. By the time you look up his gaze is focused behind you, eyes squinted like he’s hyperfocused on anything that doesn’t have to do with you.
Your eyes catch on his tie, noticing the way it dangles low on his chest, clearly strung together in a hurry. You’re used to it by now, but your body moves before your mind can catch up, and then your hands are on him, nifty fingers redoing the knot.
He watches you the whole time, chin tilted slightly and eyes filled with softness and something else. You’re careful not to focus on the fact that you can feel his breath against your nose, or the way his scent overtakes your senses until you can’t think about anything except for him, or the way he’s watching you so intently.
Your fingers loop the tie until it forms into a proper knot, tugging it up his chest until it rests just below his neck. His throat bobs when he swallows, and you faintly feel it against your knuckles.
The air in the room suddenly feels heavy, like a weighted blanket against your chest. You glance up at him, finally allowing yourself to meet his eyes. And, God, how you wish you hadn’t.
It’s one thing to feel his gaze. To know you’re being watched. But seeing it? That's an entirely different thing.
Your breath catches, lips parting just slightly. All you would have to do is push forward the tiniest bit and your lips would meet his. You watch his gaze fall to your lips and linger there for a moment before he forces them back up.
There’s a moment where you’re sure gravity ceases to exist. All that’s left is the undeniable pull between you, the space feeling like water in your lungs and the only relief would be to close it.
“[Y/N],” He mumbles, voice shaking and breathless. He sounds…almost needy. Like this is something he’s thought about a thousand times before and he can’t believe he’s finally living it.
Your own voice isn’t much better when you respond with a quiet, “Mhm?”
“I should tell you–”
You jump when his phone begins to ring in his pocket, cracking through the moment like a bolt of lightning. You pull away from him swiftly, eyes wide and chest nearly heaving. Your entire body burns, from the tips of your ears to the soles of your feet.
He curses as he reaches for it, eyes glancing over the screen wearily before he silences it and shoves it back in his pocket.
You do your best to steady your breathing, clearing your throat and smoothing down your dress. “Who was that?” You ask.
His lips curl downwards, eyes flashing with annoyance. "Doesn't matter,” He sighs, extending a hand to you. “You ready to go?”
And because you have limited self-control around him and an inability to say no, you accept it and follow him to his car.
The wedding is big. Like, the kind of wedding that you come to and realize, wow, these people really are in a different tax-bracket than I am. There’s at least a hundred tables, all arranged around a large swan ice sculpture. The walls are covered in glass, showing off the expansive lake outside and the white wooden gazebo. It almost feels like something out of a movie.
You swallow uncomfortably, mouth going dry. You knew what you were signing up for when you’d agreed to come with him, but now that it’s actually happening you’re having some regrets. What if somebody realizes you don’t fit in? Your dress is from Goodwill for God's sake! Meanwhile every other woman here is dressed head to toe in name brands that you’ve never even heard of.
“Uh,” You manage, glancing wearily around the room. You swear you can feel people looking at you. “Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”
He has the audacity to chuckle, head tilting back slightly. You shoot him a pointed glare, arms crossing over your chest. “I’m serious!” You hiss.
“I know you are,” He responds, voice smooth and light. “And that’s exactly why we’re staying.”
You squeeze your eyes shut, trying to make sense of his logic. “That doesn’t even make any sense!”
He shrugs, turning on his heel and making his way to the open bar, leaving you behind. You stand frozen for a moment, still trying to process why the hell you’re here and coming to the conclusion that you should probably call an uber and go home.
You follow him anyway.
This bar isn’t nearly as chaotic as the one at Lizzie and Jay's wedding. It’s classier in a way, full of people drinking 80-year-old wine instead of cheap drug store beer. It’s kind of intimidating, and you can feel the way you shrink in on yourself when someone glances at you for too long.
Woody orders your drinks, but you’re not paying attention. Instead you’re picking at your fingers, wincing every time you pull the skin a little too far.
You’d picked up the habit as a kid, a way to curve your evergrowing anxiousness. But after your mom noticed your hands turning into a mini crime scene she’d quickly put a stop to the habit. But, sometimes, when you felt so overwhelmed you were sure you were going to pass out and die, you’d let yourself indulge. Anything to help ground you.
You can feel your head spinning, breaths coming in shallow and eyes welling up with tears. You really shouldn’t be here. This is weird and people definitely know what you’re doing and oh my god you’re going to be sick–
A hand shoots out to grab yours, fingers pulling you back to reality. You look up to see Woody gazing at you with so much concern it’s nearly enough to bring you out of your head completely.
“Hey, hey,” He mumbles, voice hushed. “You’re okay, just breathe.”
You do as he says, sucking in deep breaths in that way your therapist taught you when you were 12. Box breathing he’d called it. You’d thought it was ridiculous until freshman year of high school when you came face to face with your first F and realized why people had to use it.
It takes a couple of moments for you to get full control of your senses again, but when you do you’re suddenly panicking for an entirely different reason. What kind of person gets so deep into their head over where their dress is from they nearly send themselves into a full fledged panic attack? You, apparently.
You slap your hands over your face, lips twisting in discomfort. “I’m sorry,” You start, voice still a bit warbly and slightly muffled, “I just get really into my head sometimes and–”
Woody grabs your wrists with a featherlight touch, thumbs hovering over your pulse points. He pulls them away gently, forcing you to come back into the world and away from the safety your hands brought.
“Why are you apologizing?” He asks.
Your lips part. Then close. Then part again. Then close again. You don’t really know how to answer him because you’ve never been asked that before. Usually you apologize and then things are awkward for the rest of the night. But he doesn't expect that from you. Instead, he was genuinely worried–not just because it was seen as the polite thing to do. He genuinely cares.
And that in itself is enough to pull you back to reality completely.
“Because…” You laugh nervously, “I probably ruined tonight, didn’t I?”
He wets his lips, eyes catching on something past your head. He doesn’t say anything, just gives you a crooked grin and wraps one hand more firmly around your wrist, the other falling to his side. “Who said anything about ruining?” He teases, tilting his head towards the entrance. “C’mon.”
He leads you outside, palm warm and heavy in your own. The sun has dipped low below the lake, casting the sky in deep shades of orange and pink. The air has the musky scent it always does when you're near fresh water, but there’s something else too. The faint smell of an approaching rain, one that you hadn’t prepared for.
Woody slows his pace when he reaches the steps to the small gazebo, wooden steps creaking under his weight. He bows dramatically, gesturing towards the open space. “After you.”
You roll your eyes, but there isn’t any mirth in it. More like…endearence? “What are you doing?" You ask, feet glued to the grass.
He looks up at you and straightens his back, “We’re enjoying the wedding? Is this some kind of trick question…?”
You frown, glancing towards the building. You can see people still talking inside, moving around each other like fish in a swirling sea of gold accents. “The weddings in there.” You point out.
He just rolls his eyes, grabbing your hand once more and pulling you up the stairs. “Stop thinking so much just this once, yeah?” He laughs, soft and airy and way too pure. “Just…dance with me.”
You can feel your skin flushing. Can feel the heat crawling up your neck in unwanted waves. You don’t even know how to respond, mouth going dry and lips tightening together.
“There isn’t any music.” You mutter lamely, avoiding his gaze. It’s a bad excuse, you know. But you're not exactly well versed in the art of…whatever this even is.
“That’s okay,” He says, snaking a hand around your waist smoothly. You hardly even register it until you're stumbling forward slightly, catching yourself with two hands against his chest. “We don’t need it.”
You aren’t exactly sure how things play out after that. It’s mostly him leading and you following blindly, but eventually you’re swaying softly together. His hands settle against your waist, holding you gently. Yours end up wrapped around his neck, fingers clasped at his upper back. The fairy lights flicker on once the sky turns from a painted canvas into something darker, highlighting the dips of his face in warm lighting. Somewhere, crickets chirp endlessly, speaking to each other in their native tongue.
In truth, you can’t quite meet his eyes. It’s absolutely embarrassing being a twenty-something-year-old and unable to look a guy in the eyes, but you really just can’t do it. And it’s not because of the fact that you’re slow dancing in a gazebo under an array of hanging lights, but it’s something else you aren’t sure you want to accept. Something that sits deep in your chest, practically begging to claw its way up and out and into the open air.
You push it down as hard as you can.
He cuts through the silence then, voice a hushed whisper, like he’s scared the moment will break if he speaks too loud. “This is better, right?”
You swallow, nodding once. “Yeah,” You breathe out. “Thank you.”
He hums, thumbs beginning to rub featherlight circles into your sides.
The entire thing is entirely too intimate. You should pull away. Should tell him that this is way too much considering he refuses to share the most basic piece of knowledge with you. But you don’t. Instead, against your will, your hands tighten around his neck, cheek resting against the hard plains of his chest.
His heartbeat picks up the slightest bit before smoothing out again. You can feel it beating against your ear, consistent and comforting in a way that nearly makes your eyes droopy.
“What are we doing?” You finally manage to ask him, voice so small you aren’t sure he’s even able to hear it. Rain begins to drop from the sky, pelting softly against the roof of the gazebo.
“Dancing.” He answers easily.
You lift your head then, eyes finding his own under the soft glow. They’re soft and beautiful and gazing at you in a way that should be considered illegal.
Your lips quirk up, but quickly fall back down. “That’s not what I meant.” You mumble.
He blinks, squeezing your waist once. “I know.”
There’s a moment of silence then, but the space between you is enough to cloud your mind with millions of thoughts.
“I’m going to tell you,” He sighs, eyes falling to the floor. He watches the way your weight shifts back and forth on your feet. “Soon. I promise.”
Your eyebrows furrow, fingers running over the baby hairs at the back of his neck. “Why?” You ask, “Why is it so hard to tell me?” You don’t mean for it to come out as harsh as it does, but he doesn’t even flinch at your tone. Just takes it without firing back.
“It’s complicated,” He insists, voice low. The rain begins to fall down harder, plopping against the roof and muffling the world around you.
Truthfully, you’re getting kind of sick of his constant refusal. The only explanation you can come up with for it is that he’s either some kind of war criminal or secret service agent. Neither are options you particularly enjoy.
You release him and take a step back. His hands linger at your waist, clearly hesitant to let go, but you shoot him a look and they drop to his sides.
“How is your name complicated?” You question, arms crossing over your chest.
He runs a hand over his face, head shaking softly. “You don’t understand–”
You throw your arms up, eyes widening visibly. “You’re right, I don’t understand!” Your breathings uneven now, a humorless laugh bubbling out of your chest. “You-You kiss me, dance with me, comfort me." Your voice becomes hushed, "Look at me like–like that.”
He takes a step forward, you take another step back. Then again. And again. Until your back is against the fence of the gazebo and you can feel the rain misting over your shoulders and hair. He doesn’t crowd you, but he’s close enough that your breath catches. “Like what?”
You swallow, resisting the urge to look away from him. Everything in you is begging you to run away. To turn around and pretend this never happened.
“Don’t.” You breathe out shakily, hands clenched at your sides. “Don’t act like you don’t know.”
He doesn’t reply right away. Instead, he lets your words hang in the air like a dre, the tension palpable. “I did all of those things,” He finally replies, voice tense. “Because I wanted to. Because you deserved it after what they did to you.”
Your eyebrows furrow, confusion written all over your face. “What–?”
“I lied to you.” He interrupts, taking the smallest step back. His hand runs through his hair, forcing the blonde strands back for a second before they fall back into place. “That first night we met. I told you I didn’t know Luke or Mandy. But…it wasn't true.”
You remember exactly what he’s talking about. But…why would he lie? What was the point? Because he wanted to? What does that even mean?
“You’re not making any sense right now.” You mumble, hands coming up to rub at your temples.
He smiles, the same one he’d had that night he met you. But it's bleaker now, filled with more emotion than you know how to handle.
“I know,” He says shakily, “Just hear me out, okay?”
Your lips tighten together, but you nod anyway.
“When I saw you at the wedding,” He sucks in a breath, “It reminded me of the first time I saw you. Back in college.”
Your breath stutters, heartbeat pulsing in your ears. You try to study his face now, going through everybody you knew back then, but nothing comes up.
He continues, “I didn’t know anyone except for Luke. We’d been the only two people from our high school to end up going to the same university. We were friends because it was convenient.” He sniffs, tugging the edge of his tie. “You and Mandy were there. At orientation. Your hair was in this crazy updo and I thought it was so cool. I wanted to go to talk to you. But Luke couldn’t stop talking about her. Mandy.”
Your chest constricts. It’d always been her then? He’d only gotten with you so he could get to fucking Mandy? You’d thought you were done getting hurt by them, but apparently not.
“You smiled at me that day.” He murmurs, voice thick. “And I thought you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen.”
You swallow, heart hammering against your chest.
His lips curve downwards, eyes narrowing slightly. “Me and Luke stopped talking as much after that. He’d found his friends and I found mine. But the one thing I was certain of was that I was going to finally talk to you. So I went to a party, planned out how I was going to introduce myself to you and everything. I saw you and I was walking over to you but–” He pauses, eyes squeezing shut. “You were with him. And you looked so happy and in love and I knew I’d missed my chance.”
You don’t know what to say. You don’t know how to process any of this without a bucket of ice cream and reruns of Glee.
“I stayed in the background after that. Just watching. And it sucked but I figured that was just how it had to be.” He chuckles, “And then I got the wedding invitation and I saw that he wasn’t getting married to you, but to her. And I thought to myself what’re the chances you show up? Clearly very high, because you did.”
He sucks in a breath, finally meeting your gaze. He looks wrecked. “And I lied because I got too in my head. I wanted to be someone else. Someone more like him.” He grimaces when he says it.
“I’m glad you’re not,” You finally cut in, taking the smallest step towards him. “I’m glad you’re not him.”
His lips quirk up and a breathless laugh leaves him. His face turns serious again, tone grim. "When you told me what they did...What he did," His eyes stay locked onto yours. "I wanted to fucking kill him."
You swallow, hands twisting into the fabric of your dress. He sounds so angry just talking about, like the thought of it is enough to rile him up again.
"That's why I kissed you. Why I dance with you. Why I comfort you. Why I look at you like that." He takes a cautious step towards you, "Because I'm so in love with you it hurts."
Tears well up in your eyes, a mix of disbelief and... relief. Like hearing him say those words is everything you'd been wanting to hear and yet too much at the same time.
You want to run into his arms. Want to kiss him until your breaths become his. But, for once, you're able to find your self control.
He tries to smile, but it's weak. Unsure. "Please say something." He nearly begs.
You let out a shaky breath, eyes flickering over his face. “I don't know what to say," You admit softly. You try to control your breathing, but your head is spinning and your emotions keep crashing over you in desperate waves. "I need...time. I think. I don't know. I just--" You hiccup without meaning too, "I need space."
His face drops, but he doesn't argue. Doesn't push for you to talk to him. Just puts his hands on his hips and nods. “Yeah. Okay. I can take you home–”
You shake your head, already pulling out your phone. “No,” It hurts coming out. “I’ll call someone.”
He freezes, something painful flashing in his eyes. “It’s raining.”
You swallow, unshed tears swimming behind your eyes. “I know.”
He looks like he wants to say more, but he refrains. His hands shove into his pockets, chin falling towards the floor. “Okay,” He says shakily. “I’ll go.”
You don’t respond, just watch him twist on his heel and walk into the pouring rain. He doesn’t turn around, and you don't call out to him.
It’s not until he’s no longer visible do you let the tears fall.
Sunoo doesn’t ask any questions when you climb into his car soaking wet and sobbing. Just turns up the heat and goes five over the speed limit the entire way to his apartment.
In truth, you don’t know why you’re crying. You think you’re just…overwhelmed. Does what he did count as lying? You don’t really know. You don't really know if you should be mad or hurt or what either.
You do know that you need to take some time to sort yourself out.
Sunoo leads you onto his couch silently, taking a seat next to you and crossing his arms. He hands you a tissue from the coffee table. “Alright, spill.”
It flows out of you like an open damn. The kiss (though he already knows about that), the dancing, the gazebo--all of it. It feels good to get it off your chest, but saying it out loud also makes it seem all the more real.
The way he’d looked at you when he left. The way his voice broke when he told you he loved you. That he was in love with you.
“And I still don’t know his fucking name!” You groan, hands wiping at the tears on your cheeks.
Sunoo hums, seamlessly handing you another tissue. “That’s…a lot.”
You scoff out a laugh, leaning against the cushions. Part of you hopes they’ll swallow you whole. “Tell me about it.”
Sunoo doesn’t say anything, and for a moment the only noise between you is his soft breaths and your quiet sniffles.
“Did you ever notice him?” He asks, “Back then, I mean.”
Your chest constricts, because, no, you hadn’t. You’d tried to remember his face, but all that ever comes up is Luke. You’d been so enamored with him that the thought of even looking at any other guys never even occurred to you.
Meanwhile, Luke was using you to get to the person closest to you.
Would things have been different if you would've just opened your eyes? If you would’ve looked away from him for a second and saw who was waiting for you? Would you have left?
You hate that you aren’t sure.
“No,” You answer truthfully, breath catching in your throat. “I was so focused on Luke I never even…” You trail off, swallowing uncomfortably.
Sunoo nods, bringing a hand out to rub comfortingly on your bicep. “I can see you thinking.” He condemns, “Stop it. You didn’t know.”
“That’s the problem!” You insist, tears brimming behind your eyes again. “How could I not notice what was right under my nose. Woody and-and the cheating. I was so blind and for what? Because he was the first guy to give me attention?”
Sunoo gives you a sympathetic look, eyebrows knitting together. “He was your first love, [Y/N]. She was your best friend. No one suspects something like that without seeing it with their own two eyes.” He says gently.
You frown. He’s right, you know he is–but still. It doesn’t make you feel any less dumb.
“And I keep thinking about what might’ve happened if I’d just opened my eyes for two seconds. If what Woody said is true then…how much did I miss out on with him?” You murmur, eyes downcast.
Sunoo sighs, standing from the couch and grabbing water from the kitchen. You thank him as he hands it to you, taking a swift sip. It’s smooth going down, but it does nothing to soothe the ache in your chest.
“I won’t lie to you and say it’s not a valid question,” He tucks his feet under himself, propping his elbow against the cushion and leaning his head on it. “But you can’t spend the rest of your life wondering. Especially not when he’s here now. Still waiting for you, might I add.”
You snort, but there’s no humor behind it. “I know,” You mumble, “I just think I need time to try and process everything.”
He smiles, “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
You spend the rest of the night talking about work and whatnot. Anything that doesn’t have to do with college or boys. And it does help for the most part, but Woody's words still linger in your mind like honey in the cracks of your brain.
It happens a couple days later. Your boss calls you to congratulate you on receiving the promotion, voice loud and bubbling in your ear, but you can’t even find it in yourself to share in the enthusiasm. You want to, you really do, but your heart it too heavy.
You keep checking your phone to see if he’s sent anything to you, but he never does. You had asked him for space though, so you can’t exactly be mad at him for giving you exactly what you’d asked for.
But still…part of you had hoped he’d at least say something. Maybe even just a: Hey, How are you? I know I sort of lied to you but isn't it also romantic when you really think about it?
But, now that you’ve had some time to process everything…you want to see him. You want to speak to him and tell him exactly how you’ve been feeling.
So, when Sunoo off handedly mentions a wedding his jobs hosting you can’t help the idea that sparks in your mind.
You remember Woody’s words from that night; “What're the chances you show up?” He’d said, referring to you going to Luke and Mandy's wedding. So is it so crazy for you to ask the same?
If he does show up you aren’t exactly sure what you’re going to say. You don’t know how you’re going to look him in the eye, really. But you’d rather try and make a fool of yourself then not and never know what could’ve happened.
The first thing you notice when you arrive is how different this wedding is compared to all the others. It’s more soft, in a way. With twinkling lights and green hanging vines, the whole thing looks straight out of a fairytale.
You’d ditched the Goodwill dress and actually went to the mall and found a floor-length baby pink gown. The heart-shaped neckline is covered in white lace, accenting the pink silk in a way that looks almost doll-like. You’d pulled your hair up as well, letting a few strands loose to frame your face. Even you had to admit you felt good.
Your eyes scan the area, watching as the bride and groom dance to some classical version of a Taylor Swift song. People watch them, sipping on their wines and swaying back and forth with their own spouses. You look through the crowd, trying to find that familiar head of blonde hair, but you come up empty.
Your chest squeezes, thoughts of uncertainty beginning to float around your head. What if this all really had been a mistake? Maybe he truthfully didn’t want to see you again after everything. What if he’d finally decided to move on?
That’s when you hear it. The soft sounds of a piano from another room. Your head snaps towards it, legs carrying you towards the tune like you’re under the pied pipers spell. And maybe you are.
You push the massive doors open slightly, slipping through and letting it click shut softly behind you. The room is big, with highrise ceilings and massive windows. And there in the center, is a piano. Black and sleek and occupied by a boy with blonde hair and a loose tie.
He doesn’t notice you enter which you’re partially grateful for. He’s too focused gliding his fingers over the keys, playing that damn song.
“Love me harder?” You laugh, soft and warm. “Really?”
His fingers pause their movements, eyes flickering up towards you. He looks shocked for a moment, but it quickly dissipates into something that looks eerily similar to relief.
He chuckles, a small smile working its way onto his lips. “Only the best song ever made.”
You wet your lips, taking small cautious steps towards him. He watches you the entire time, eyes trailing from your face all the way to your feet. He scoots down the bench swiftly, leaving space for you to take a seat next to him.
You do so hesitantly, your hands falling into your lap and your shoulder brushing his.
“Hi,” You breathe out, holding out a hand. “I’m [Y/N].”
He stares at you for a moment, at the hand stretched out in front of him, a silent offering. Something flashes behind his eyes--recognition, maybe. Relief at the thought of starting over.
“Hi,” He croaks, eyes glued onto yours. He takes your hand firmly, fingers fitting over your own like they were made just for you. “I’m Heeseung.”
Heeseung. You let the name bounce around in your mind, going over each syllable and committing them to your memory.
“Heeseung,” You murmur, letting it roll on your tongue. “It’s pretty.”
He grins, letting out a breath that’s bordering on a laugh. “You think so?”
You nod, squeezing his fingers once. “Yeah,” You murmur. “I really do.”
Heeseungs silent for a moment, his eyes glued to where your hands are connected. He clears his throat before bringing your hands down to the keyboard. “Do you know how to play?” He asks.
You shake your head, letting the pads of your fingers run over each key. “Never had the chance to learn.”
He hums, placing his hands over yours. “I could show you,” He offers softly, “If you wanted.”
Your eyes flicker over to him for a moment before they fall back to your joined hands. His thumbs rub into your knuckles, silent encouragement.
“Yeah,” You manage, even though your heart feels like it’s about to tear out of your chest from how hard it’s beating. “I’d like that.”
He smiles, but it’s not the cheeky one you’re used to. It’s sincere and filled with so much love it nearly makes you melt.
He guides your hands over the piano, pressing down keys and chuckling every time your fingers slip. His cologne floods your senses, clouding every thought in your mind until all you can think about is him.
The way his fingers feel against yours, the way his shoulder stays pressed against you, the way he keeps glancing at you like he can’t believe you’re real.
He guides you through the song, murmuring praises every time you play a chord correctly–Really it's just him playing and pretending you’re doing it on your own.
For a moment, the entire world disappears. It’s just you and the boy you’ve absolutely and impossibly fallen in love with, playing piano at the wedding of people you don’t even know.
Your breath shudders as the song comes to a stop. He doesn't lift his hands from yours, doesn’t back away. It's not until you turn to look at him does he even attempt to shift, and even then all he does lean away from you so he can see your face better.
“I’m sorry,” You start, “For everything. For making you leave like that. I should’ve–”
He cuts you off gently, foot nudging yours. “Don’t,” He breathes, “Don’t do that. You don’t need to apologize for needing space.”
God, can he get any more perfect?
You sniffle, nodding once. “Right. I just…” You sigh, eyes diverting from him. “I didn’t know what to do when you told me everything. It was a lot to process.”
He nods, encouraging you to continue.
“But I don’t think it’s everything you told me that scared me. I was scared because I-I was starting to fall for you and I didn’t know how to let you in after everything happened with you-know-who. And not to mention the fact that I didn’t even know your name.” You laugh, shoulders shaking slightly. You finally look at him then, eyes brimming with tears. “But after you left I knew. I knew that I loved you. That I do love you. And if you’ll still have me, I don’t want to run from it anymore.”
Heeseung’s silent, eyes searching yours like he’s looking for any bit of hesitance. When he doesn’t find it, he lets out a soft groan, head tilting back slightly. He squeezes his eyes shut like he's in actual pain. “Do you know how long I’ve dreamed of hearing you say that?” He mumbles, leaning into your space. You can feel his breath against your lips, his heartbeat against your own. “Being yours is the only thing I’ve ever wanted.”
You suck in a shaky breath, your eyes darting down to his lips. “Heeseung,” You breathe.
He doesn’t hesitate then, surging forward and capturing your lips in a kiss.
This one is different from the first one all those months ago. It’s sweeter, slower. He takes his time memorizing the taste of you, a hand trailing up your arm and cupping your cheek.
You pull away for a second, attempting to get a word out, but he doesn’t let you. Instead his lips capture yours again, deeper this time. Your lungs beg for air, but you can’t find it in yourself to care. For this–to keep having him kiss you like you’re the only girl he’s ever seen–you’d learn how to live without air.
“Hee–” You gasp against his lips, a smile breaking through. “Hold on–”
You push against his chest lightly, and he whines–actually fucking whines–and his lips chase yours like it hurts him to be away from you.
“Heeseung,” You giggle, “We’re in public.”
“So?” He questions, breathless and absolutely flushed. “Can you blame me for wanting to kiss the girl I love?”
Heat rises up your neck, lip tugging between your teeth as you try to hold back your smile.
He takes your hand again, pulling you to your feet. “Let’s get out of here then, yeah?”
You barely register the door to his apartment slamming behind you until he’s pushing you against it. His hands find your hips, thumbs digging into the bone but never moving. Never straying beyond respectful.
“You’re so beautiful,” He mumbles, lips crashing against yours, “Nearly fell to my knees when I saw you in this dress.”
You smirk, hands clasping around his neck to pull him impossibly closer. “Yeah?”
He chuckles, parting from your lips to rest his forehead against yours. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “You look like a fucking dream.”
Your lips part, a wave of want splashing over you so fast you barely register it. “Heeseung,” You manage, dragging your hands down his chest. “Touch me.”
He immediately shifts, lips pressing against yours and hands dragging up and down your body. He traces your collarbones, lips trailing open mouthed kisses down your jaw and neck. Your eyes flutter closed, hands tangling in his soft hair.
His breath gives when you tug slightly, a groan spilling through his lips. “Fuck,” He sighs, lips leaving deep red marks everywhere they touch. Like he's claiming you.
You can feel yourself getting needier, hands grasping onto whatever you can find, hips rolling against nothing.
“Hee,” You whine, the nickname slipping out easily. “Please.”
He hums, digging his hands into the flesh of your hips. “Yeah, Baby?” He pecks the side of your jaw, breath fanning against your ear and shooting a shiver down your spine. “I’ll give you whatever you want. Just need you to say it.”
You tug on your bottom lip, cheeks flushing. It's not that you were embarrassed, but the way he says it makes you want to scream.
Your chest heaves against his when you bury your hands into the fabric of his shirt, tugging against his already loosening tie. “Please,” You beg, embarrassment lingering in the tremble in your voice, “I want you to touch me.”
He groans, already leading you into his bedroom. He kicks the door shut behind him swiftly, gently pushing you towards the bed until your knees hit the edge. He guides you down, and your back lands against the sheets with a soft huff, your hair fanning out around you like a halo.
“Gonna give you everything you want,” He murmurs above you, kissing your lips sweetly. His hands linger everywhere, from the dip of your shoulder to the curve of your breast, fingertips featherlight. “You gonna let me, Sweetheart?” He asks.
You nod swiftly, already feeling your underwear grow damp with want. “Yes,” You gasp, “Fuck, Please.”
He chuckles, sliding the straps of your dress down your shoulders and revealing your bra and tummy. He sucks in a breath at the sight, and then swiftly lowers his lips down to the swell of your chest, leaving open mouthed kisses atop the skin.
“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs, “So perfect.”
You arch your back and allow him to unclip your bra, tossing it onto the floor somewhere. His lips are on you then, kissing and sucking your nipples into his mouth like a man starved. Drool dribbles down his chin and down the curve of your breast, shining against your skin.
He makes his way down your sternum, kissing over your ribs, down the soft skin of your stomach, all the way down until his knees hit the floor and he's in between your legs.
He swallows, running his fingers over the silk of your dress covering your legs.
He looks up at you, silently asking for your permission. You give a weak nod of confirmation.
His fingers hook into the top half of your dress pooled around your waist and tugs it down softly. It drags down your legs and plops onto the floor, leaving you in just your underwear.
The air is thick with tension when he comes face to face with the lace covering your folds, eyes zeroed in on the growing damp patch between your legs.
“Fuck,” He groans, breathless. His cheeks are flushed, pupils blown so wide his eyes are nearly black. “You’re perfect.”
His lips find your inner thigh, leaving soft, open-mouthed kisses over the skin, all the way down your calf, and over the hard bone of your ankle. He does the same on the other side, taking his time worshipping you like you’re his personal deity.
“Hee,” You whine, hips rolling against nothing, “Don’t tease me.”
He chuckles, his hands running up your thighs before finding purchase against your hips. He doesn’t hold you roughly, but there’s enough intention behind it to keep you in place.
“Just wanna worship you, baby.” He hums, nudging his nose against the crease of your pelvis, “You’re so fucking perfect.”
You roll your eyes, but heat crawls up your neck anyway. “So you’ve said.”
He taps a finger against your hip bone teasingly, lips widening into a cunning grin, like he knows exactly what he does to you. And, honestly, he probably does. “Dreamed about how you’d taste, the sounds you’d make. ” He murmurs, tongue jutting out slightly to wet his kiss-swollen lips. “You gonna let me make you feel good, baby?” He asks.
“Yes,” You gasp out, “God, yes.”
It doesn’t take much after that.
He starts slowly, giving small kitten licks over your panties. You let out a sigh, hands tangling in the sheets and teeth tugging on your bottom lip.
It’s not messy. It’s not rough. It’s sweet and slow, like he’s taking the time to figure out what makes you keen and buck your hips into his mouth.
He finds a soft rhythm, licking into you until the thin border covering your folds gleams with a mix of his saliva and your slick. His nose bumps against your clit, earning a whine from you every time it happens.
He curls his fingers into the waistline of your panties, dragging them down your hips and tossing them onto the floor. The cool air brushes against your slick folds, making you shiver.
Heeseung pauses for a moment, gazing at your sex like he’s committing it to memory. Embarrassment clouds your mind at being stared at like this, like you’re a piece of art he’d pay millions to have.
He sucks in a shaky breath, lips glistening with your slick. “I know I’ve already said it,” He mumbles, dragging a hand down your tummy and letting his thumb brush over your clit. “But you’re beautiful. Prettiest pussy I’ve ever seen.”
He emphasizes your words with a long lick up your folds, tongue flat against your hole. Your back arches off the bed, a whimper sliding out of you without your permission.
Your hands fly to his hair as he eats you out like a man starved, his tongue swirling around your clit.
“Fuck!” You whine, “Fuck–yes! Don’t stop!” You sob out, tugging at his roots. He groans at the feeling, the vibration buzzing against your clit in a way that actually makes your thighs shake.
His lips wrap around your clit then, sucking it into his mouth and lapping his tongue against it. You let out a broken moan, back bowing off the bed. But he presses a hand firmly on your stomach to keep you in place.
He continues, soft then fast, pace fluctuating like he can’t decide whether he wants to take his time. Your thighs shake as you get closer, chest heaving and moans slipping from your mouth like prayers.
You jolt when he prods a finger at your entrance, teasing you slowly before pushing inside. The stretch is good–and when he curls it just right you swear you see stars. Your eyes fill with tears the closer you get, the coil in your stomach tightening to unbearable levels.
“F-fuck–Close–” You manage to gasp.
He hums against you, then adds another finger. You let out a high-pitched whine as he does, hips rolling against his mouth and hand, body completely lost to the pleasure.
He fucks his fingers in and out of you gently, constantly curling right against your g-spot in a way that should be illegal.
“Can’t believe you ever let him taste you,” He says, voice slightly muffled against your pussy. “Bet he couldn’t even make you cum, huh?”
You’re too far gone to form a reply. All you can think about is Heeseung and how close you are to release.
But he doesn’t seem to want a reply from you. Instead, he licks a broad stripe up your clit, and it’s enough to finally break you.
You cum with a sob, fingers tightening in his hair and thighs tightening around his head. Your vision goes white for a moment as he laps up your release like a dog receiving a treat from its owner.
He fucks you through it, mumbling soft praises the entire time. It’s not until you’re crying from overstimulation and pushing his head away does he come up for air. And when he does, you swear you nearly cum all over again.
His hair is a disaster, sticking up in places and curling against his forehead. His eyes are lidded and his pupils are blown out, while slick mixed with saliva glistens across his nose, lips, and jaw. He looks like pure sex and every secret fantasy you’ve ever dared to have.
You dig your teeth into your bottom lip, pulling him up gently until he’s situated atop you again. You kiss him hard and messy, tasting yourself on his tongue. He nips at your bottom lip, requesting access, and you grant it easily.
He swirls his tongue in your mouth, hands gripping your hips and rolling them against the growing bulge in your pants. You gasp when you feel him–thick and hard and already drooling with pre-cum.
He groans when you roll your hips experimentally, his lips parting in a pant and forehead resting against yours. “Fuck, if you keep doing that…” He trails off, eyebrows knitting together.
You grin, wrapping your hands around the tie hanging off of his neck and tugging it off. He seems to get the idea and quickly rids himself of his shirt and pants, leaving him in just his boxers.
You swallow at the obvious bulge, a wet patch of pre-cum practically dripping against the fabric. He gasps when you hand experimentally brushes over it, his eyes falling shut.
You carefully palm him, watching how his face contorts in pleasure. “Fuck–wait–you’re gonna make me cum like this.” He mutters, reaching down and pulling your wrist away and over your head.
He uses his freehand to push his boxers off, revealing his flushed cock to you. Your mouth practically waters at the sight of it–thick and flushed and oh, so pretty.
He sucks in a shaky breath before lining himself up with your entrance, his lips brushing yours as he does. He kisses you as he enters, swallowing every broken whine and whimper that escapes from your mouth.
He’s big–bigger than anything you’ve ever taken, at least. The head of his cock stretches you deliciously, nudging against your walls and carving a place for himself.
“You feel so fucking good,” He whimpers against your lips, the hand holding your wrist shifting so he can intertwine his fingers with yours. He squeezes your hand three times as he bottoms out, and your eyebrows furrow at how deep he is.
He’s resting right against your g-spot, putting continuous pressure onto it until you’re certain you see stars. He doesn't move inside you, letting you adjust to the feeling, but you can tell he’s holding back.
“Hee-Heeseung,” You attempt, using your free hand to paw at his chest. “Please move.”
His breath hitches, burying his face into the crook of your neck. And then he’s rutting into you slowly, broken gasps leaving his kiss-stricken lips.
You squeeze his hand, lips forming into an ‘O’ as he rocks into you with a perfect rhythm. It’s not too rough, not too fast–just enough to drive you fucking crazy. Enough to ensure you feel every vein and every ridge of his cock inside you.
“I love you,” He whines into your skin, leaving dark marks around the curve of your neck, the line of your jaw, the swell of your breasts. Anywhere he can reach. “Love that you’re letting me touch you like this. Love you so much it’s fucking painful.”
A groan rumbles deep in his chest when you roll your hips to meet his. “You like that?” He asks, “Like knowing how crazy you drive me?”
You try to reply, but all that comes out is a broken sob. He picks up the pace now, slamming into you with a rhythm that rivals anything you’ve had before.
“Yeah, you do,” He teases softly, “Don’t worry. Gonna remind you every fucking day.”
You tighten around him instinctively, walls attempting to milk him for everything he’s worth. His hips falter at the feeling, sweat beginning to stick to his forehead.
He fucks you like a man starved, like he’s angry at you for keeping this from him. Tears of pleasure streak your cheeks, each one he kisses away without a word.
The entire thing is too much, too good, and before you know it you’re tightening around him and cumming harder than you ever have in your life.
“There you go, baby,” He gasps, reaching his freehand down to rub light circles against your clit. “Such a good girl for me.”
He fucks you through the orgasm, enjoying every keen and whine you give him, until he’s releasing inside you himself. His cum fills you in hot spurts, painting your hole a creamy white.
He collapses atop you, chest heaving against yours. It takes a moment for the both of you to collect yourselves, but once you do he’s pulling out gently, whispering apologies when you twitch from overstimulation.
He leans over to grab a cloth from the bedside table, kneeling between your thighs and cleaning you softly. He leaves lingering kisses on the inside of your thighs as he does, like he’s thanking you for letting him touch you.
When he’s finished he crawls into bed beside you, staring at your face with a dopey smile.
You raise a brow and let out a confused giggle. “What?”
He shrugs, shaking his head softly. “Just can’t believe I’m so lucky.” He mumbles, leaning in and kissing you softly. You kiss him back easily, hand coming up to cup his cheek.
And it’s then that you think that maybe, just maybe, things were always meant to play out this way.
Maybe, just maybe, that wedding invitation was the best thing that ever happened to you.
And maybe, just maybe, one day you'd be able to send out your own.
wowwowo she’s done!!
this was my first time writing smut so if it’s bad pls forgive me 😓
reblogs are really appreciated and i love to hear from you guys!
SUMMARY: Sunghoon was an up-and-coming figure skater with a bright future, but he threw it all away to marry you. Thirteen years later, your marriage has failed, the kids don’t respect him one bit, and all his friends are wildly successful in life except him. He gets a chance to correct the mistakes of his past and change his life when he is miraculously transported back in time, before he even met you. But changing the past might cost him everything.
A/N: This took me so long to finish y'all I started considering actually taking ice skating lessons. PLEASE read for my sake. (Some scenes inspired by the movie 17 Again!)
thirteen years ago.
Sunghoon took a deep breath as the chill air of the rink, even from where he sat in the locker room, sent shivers down his spine. His thin black blouse with rhinestoned sleeves did nothing to shield him from the cold.
He should have been used to it by now. But today would be the most important skate of his life.
The World Championships. The event that would decide his place at the next Olympics.
Just a few years ago, he had missed out on competing completely due to a knee injury. Sunghoon was determined this time to make his dreams come true. His seniors always said that Olympic ice felt different, more real. This would be it. His last chance before the younger, more talented skaters took his spot later down the line.
He was picking at his nails with his teeth, a habit he so desperately needed to let go of. Even with ten competitors ahead of him, Sunghoon was already on edge. You, his good luck charm, had not arrived yet. It wasn't typical of you. In your three years of dating, you never missed the opening skate of any competition he'd been in.
It’s where you first met. You had been in the stands, taping your phone number onto a penguin plushie he’d caught after his award-winning skate. Since then, it's been tradition for you to sit in the same exact seat during local competitions.
His left leg bounced impatiently as he sat on the locker room bench. Sunghoon has sent about 16 texts to your phone already. He shook his head, unlocking his phone for the umpteenth time. Crickets. His phone screen photo of you blowing a kiss into the camera was taunting him now.
Where the hell were you?
Coach Jung patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t think too much. You're gonna psych yourself out.”
“I'm not nervous,” Sunghoon replied, unconvincingly. “It's just cold.”
Coach Jung rolled his eyes.
“You're not new to this, kid,” he doubted the young man. “You're gonna do great out there. This is what you've been dreaming of. Just don't mess it up.”
Sunghoon didn't know if that was meant to be motivating or not, but when Coach Jung left, he felt a pit in his stomach start to form. It's been years in the making. Blood, sweat, and tears were poured into this. The time he could've spent going on longer dates with you all went to extra hours practicing quads in the rink. He couldn't let his sacrifices go to waste. It would be a disservice to both of you.
He put his hands to his face and repeated a mantra of self-affirmations.
‘You got this, you got this, you-’’
“Hoon?” He heard your sweet voice call out. Your head poked through the locker room door before entering cautiously. Audience members weren’t typically allowed in here, but you always managed to sneak your way in.
He dropped his hands immediately, a wave of relief washing over him.
“There you are,” Sunghoon whispered to himself, rushing to you as fast as he could with skates on the carpet. You let out a small sound as he picked you up by the waist, spinning you around like a princess.
“Where have you been?” Sunghoon sighed happily, setting you down with a kiss to your temple. “I was blowing up your phone! I thought you died.”
You smiled, but he noticed how tight it looked. The light didn't quite reach your eyes, and your lips twitched as if it was almost painful to maintain. He brushed a stray hair away from your face, tucking it behind your ear.
“Everything okay?”
You nodded, resting your hand on his as his thumb drew small circles on your cheek.
“I…” you trailed off. You were looking at the ground, at the ceiling, and even at the trash cans. Anywhere but him. “I want to talk to you about something.”
He raised a brow. Your fingers were quivering, and he noticed redness in the whites of your eyes. Were you crying?
“Of course, baby. You can tell me anything.”
Sunghoon is worried now as he took both of your hands into his. He felt how cold they were, even more so than his.
“Can the remaining five acts please be on stand-by?” the overhead speaker blared into the locker room. That was him. He was one of the last five.
He pursed his lips as he looked towards the door and back at you. Your mouth opened, just as flustered by the announcement.
“Let's wait,” you said in a rush, noticing the sweatiness of his palms. “It can wait.”
Sunghoon shook his head. Your voice faltered. He knew better now not to let these things linger.
“No, [Y/N]. Tell me what's wrong.” He stood his ground. Your eyes were watering, his gaze unmoving from yours. As you spoke, it was like the world around him went still. His chest felt heavy, throat so constricted he thought he would choke.
“I'm pregnant.”
No, he thought. It can’t be.
“H-how? We never– That’s impossible– We always use-”
His voice trailed off, afraid that if he said anything out loud, it would become more real. You pursed your lips, biting your top lip so hard that it drew blood.
“Don’t you remember?”
two months ago.
You were laughing, he was laughing. You both looked insane, obnoxiously cackling at nothing, in the dimly lit streets that led to his apartment. You were drinking with the guys at a new bar, underestimating the power of tequila compared to the usual shots of soju.
Sunghoon's arm was wrapped around your waist, putting his weight on you to prevent himself from faceplanting on the ground. He had lost too many hands in poker with Jay and Jake, and instead of betting money, he took an extra four shots as punishment. It was a big mistake.
“They got lucky,” he blabbered, “If we played Go Fish, I would have wiped the floor with them.”
He was hiccuping, and that sent you into a further spiral of giggles. Sunghoon was always so darn cute when drunk, so different from his icy exterior. His cheeks were tinged with red, and his pupils dilated. You weren't doing all that well either, with your body so warm from the alcohol that you had shed your jacket on the ground just a few minutes earlier. Where that jacket was now is lost on you.
“Hoon!” you exclaimed, pointing at his apartment gate. “We did it!”
Sunghoon stumbled to get his keys from his pocket. Opening the gate and then going up the steps felt like an hour-long operation with how you two struggled. When he slid down the wall by the entrance of his apartment, you collapsed with him.
The two of you, by his coat rank, staring into each other with heavy-lidded gazes and too far gone to even turn the lights on. By then, your movements were already out of your control.
You traced the moles on his face like divine art, cradling his jaw with such care. Even in the drunkest of states, he looked so heavenly. He was so pretty in the moonlight.
You pressed your lips against his, slowly at first, tugging at the rolled-up sleeves of his button-up shirt. Sunghoon made a noise of shock before deepening the kiss, hands roaming everywhere until they met your waist. His lips were so plush against yours, hungry to taste every inch of you. Your tongues danced with an urgency you've never felt before. Nipping at your bottom lip, he coaxed small sounds out of you.
Sunghoon lifted you, firm hands on your bum to sit you atop him.
He broke the kiss to bury himself in the junction between your neck and shoulder. Sunghoon's lips found your pulse point, suctioning around it like he was drawing your heartbeat out of your body. You gripped his soft hair and tilted your head back to give him better access. He lapped at your neck, your collar bone, anywhere his tongue could access. He was addicted to the taste of your skin, to the taste of you. You always smelled so good, had him so riled up even in the most unassuming of moments. He remembered how you looked in the bar with this sparkly red dress. Remembered how it rode up every time you sat down next to him. Fuck.
You felt him then. The tent of his pants and the friction of his hips as they hopelessly jut up to meet yours.
You whined at the contact. He was palming your ass now with both hands, massaging as he moved you up and down on the tightness of his jeans.
“Hoon,” you gasp. “Not here-”
He lifted his head to look at you, eyes so dark and full of lust. He wasn’t having it; you could see it in his face. His deliciously tense jawline. The bead of sweat running down his temple. You felt yourself clench around nothing just at the sight. How could a man be so gorgeous?
“Can't wait,” he hummed. “Need you now.”
He pushed your dress up your body, the material bunched at your waist.
You purse your lips in anticipation. He’s rock hard by now, and you can’t help but take it as an invitation to feel him. Your hands find his bulge, ghosting over his form. It jumped in response when you finally took hold, squeezing cautiously. Your cheeks warmed at the sight of the front of his jeans already damp with your fluids. Sunghoon enjoyed the view just as much as you did, his head tilted back to relish in your ministrations. He couldn’t hold back any longer.
Sunghoon’s hand, large and veiny, moved your panties to the side impatiently.
"Hoon-" you gasped at the skin-to-skin contact.
His fingers traced the slit of your folds up and down, covering his digits with your slick. You found his swollen lips again to suppress your whimpers, saliva running down your joined mouths as you unzipped his painful-looking jeans. He was already prepping you for him, index finger cautiously pushing its way inside your plush walls. He groaned at the feeling of your fluttering warmth. Already, you were sucking him in.
“Always so fucking wet,” he muttered on your lips. You couldn’t help but grind down on him, a roundabout way of telling him to apply more pressure. To go harder. Rougher. To ruin you. He chuckled at your frustration. Needed to see more of it, more of you begging.
Sunghoon tested the waters and pushed in a second. Your moans were drowned out again by his merciless mouth. Tongues shoved so far down each other's throats, you swore you could feel him at the back of your neck.
He was fucking you onto his hand now, his palm making contact with your clit after every thrust. His forearm was tense, pace so relentless. Animalistic. You were practically bouncing on him, hands digging into his shoulder blades to chase your release. He loved the sight, wanting to hear you come undone just from his measly fingers in your dripping pussy.
“So desperate,” he hummed into your mouth. “Who's making you like this?”
Sunghoon was never this mouthy during sex, usually because he didn’t want the apartment next door to hear through the thin walls. But he had let go of all his inhibitions, the tequila still sitting fresh in his stomach.
“You, Hoon,” you cried out, legs shaking from the harsh pace of his fingers and your incessant grinding. “Please-”
You didn't know exactly what you were begging for, but you knew he could give it to you. Knew he was the only one who could. Your mind was filled with Sunghoon and Sunghoon only. The effects of the alcohol had made you a bumbling mess, pleading and begging for more. Your back arches to meet his fingers better, but it wasn’t not enough.
He added a third to relieve you, watching as your mouth opened into a silent scream.
“Hoon– Need it– Please– I need–”
You couldn't find the right words, couldn’t even keep yourself upright without his support. Sunghoon’s hands roamed up your body as one made its way to the back of your neck. With his thumb, he pressed down gently on the pulse point he was nipping at just earlier. His eyes were heavy on you, watching you so intently. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head, as your airways slowly constricted, as his thumb pushed against you. God, you loved the feeling.
“Enjoying yourself, baby?”
Lightheaded, you were practically gripping his bulge at this point. The sounds between your legs were borderline pornographic, his fingers drawing out every wet squelch as they sank and twisted in and out of you. You felt so full of him, three fingers so deep inside you. But you could take more; you wanted to take more.
“Speak up,” he drawled, his voice slurring from the tequila. “Tell me what you want, or I'll stop.”
You sobbed, clawing at his clothed chest as he let go of your neck to let you talk. You gasped for air as you let yourself fall onto him.
“Need you inside me,” you cried as he pistoned his fingers into you harder. You wished he could just rip your underwear so you could feel his rough palm grind onto your bare clit. “Please, please, pl-”
"I am inside you," he teased. And all you could do was wail, shaking your head out of distress.
"Hoon-"
Your movements were forced to stop as Sunghoon's free hand gripped your thigh. His fingers were curved into you, stroking that spongy spot that he always managed to find. He massaged your G-spot at a steady pace, anticipating your climax. You wanted to move, but he held you down roughly. Your eyes were forced to look into his, and you felt the floodgates of your release start to open.
“No-,” you whined.
You were close, so close. But your mind was made up. Well, at least what was left of it.
“Wanna cum with you. Can I, Hoonie? Please?” you beg.
“Fuck-”
His grip on you loosened. His hand slowly left your tight folds, and he admired the slick that coated his long fingers. He brought them to your mouth, motioning you to taste the juices he coaxed out of you. With your doe eyes looking straight at him, you swallowed around him. Tongue flattened and bringing him in deeper.
His other hand reached into the back of his pocket, fiddling around to find his emergency condom. The one that became a necessity to bring around you.
Sunghoon's mind was all over the place. Your tongue lapped at his fingers, sucking them so harshly. He'd have given anything right now to see your lips wrapped around his cock instead.
He'd almost grabbed the condom until you pulled his boxers down. Your mouth released his fingers with a small ‘pop’ as his painfully hard member slapped his stomach. You positioned yourself closer, adjusting so that his thickness slid against your soiled, clothed pussy. You cursed your stupid underwear for getting in the way again.
“B-baby-” Sunghoon stuttered out as you moved your panties to the side once more, his raw cock lined up to your aching hole. “Just give me a second-”
His hand tried to reach for his wallet again, but you interlocked them with yours instead. You shook your head, grinding against him cautiously. You don't know what's gotten into you. It's like the tequila was letting you act out your deepest, darkest dreams — ones of him fucking his cum so deeply into you that you were dripping wet with his fluids.
“Please?” you asked hopelessly. Your breath hitched. His cock met your clit, his precum spread all over your folds. Fuck it. You were too far gone. “I-I wanna feel you.”
Sunghoon would like to think he had self-control. Would like to believe that he was calmer than most. But the way your pleading eyes looked at him, and how your legs trembled in excitement. His intoxicated brain couldn't tell right from wrong. He wanted to give you everything you asked for.
“Fuck, are you sure?” he groaned as you aligned his cock to your entrance, pushing down slightly to envelop his tip. He lets out a hiss, teeth gritting from the feeling. You were so tight, so fucking perfect for him.
“Mhm,” you mustered, wrapping your arms around his neck as his large hands met your ass again. “It's okay…”
You were sinking onto him now, his head buried into your neck from the sensation. You two had never done it without a condom before, always so careful. But he wondered, as his large cock was slowly sucked into your soaked pussy, why he'd never fucked you raw before. Sunghoon swore under his breath as he felt you clench around him. Fucking you with a condom was ruined for him forever. He could never put one on again.
“Fuck, baby,” he willed himself not to move too fast. The stinging stretch of him had you withering above him, but you didn’t care. Not one bit. You clutched his hair as you impaled yourself on him, so lost in the feeling of him penetrating you so slowly.
He was fully sheathed inside you now. Sunghoon needed a second to recuperate, but you were making it so difficult for him.
"Fuck-" he inhaled sharply as you grinded down on his pulsating cock. You were so impatient, already so worked up from his fingers.
You were suctioning him, trapping him in your walls like you would never let him go. His grip on your hips tightened as he growled into your collarbone.
“Baby,” he said sternly this time, finding some semblance of sanity. “Don't.”
You whined, your hips stuttering through his tight grip on your ass cheeks. You wanted him to plow into you like you were his personal toy. Was there anything wrong with that?
“Why?” you drawled out, desperate for movement, for anything. Your eyes met his, and even through your drunken haze, you understood. He was close, already so on edge from feeling your raw pussy. And that made you want him even more.
You swore your hips moved on their own. You lifted yourself, shallowly thrusting yourself against him as he tried to hinder your attempts.
“N-no,” he grunted. “Too soon-”
You giggled as his hands were on your back now. Despite your protests, he did not stop you in any meaningful way.
His grip on your ass was replaced with him pulling the straps down of your dress and bra to free your bouncing tits. He cupped them as you raised yourself higher, until just the very tip of him was left inside you. You took a deep breath, pushing yourself down on him without assistance. You moaned, feeling his heaviness in your lower stomach.
“Fuck-” he cried through clenched teeth. Sunghoon’s head was against the wall now, hands massaging your breasts so eagerly.
He tugged at your nipples, pinching them between his index finger and thumb. Such a sight for sore eyes, seeing him so fucked out underneath you as you bounced on his cock. You wished you could engrave this in your memory. His parted lips and glistening forehead.
You grinded your hips so helplessly against him, hands on his knees as you squeezed him through every downward thrust.
“Baby, s-slow down.”
You're determined now, even as you start to feel that fluttering ache in your core. You wanted to do good for him, wanted to make him lose control like you would whenever he had you pinned to the bed and crying.
“Hoon, speak up,” you teased, mimicking his earlier words. “Tell me what you want or I-”
You couldn't finish your sentence as his hand meets the back of your neck, crashing his lips onto yours. His hands traveled down to your thighs, squeezing them roughly.
He thrusted up into you harshly, his grip on you guiding his movements. His pace was even more merciless than yours, not giving you time to catch your breath as you felt your inner walls contract around him.
No!
He needed to cum first. It was always you who came undone before him. You just needed to hold out, just for a few more seconds-
And in perfect timing, he found it. That part of you that had you practically screaming into his mouth. He smirked against your lips and hoisted you closer, fucking up into you as his fingers pressed firmly into the flesh of your thighs. Your insides churned with a tingling feeling, like something needed to be released. You pulled yourself away from his lips.
"No… Hoon-"
"Take it," he grunted. "You want it, right?”
You cried as his thrusts grazed your G-spot over and over again, his tip kissing your cervix at the right angles.
“So fucking take it."
Your eyes roll back, the sensation was stronger and stronger until-
"Oh my god-"
Your climax hit you like a ton of bricks, crashing down on you so unexpectedly that your walls wanted to hold his raw length in place. Sunghoon continued his thrusts, not caring for the tears that threatened to spill from your eyes. You had your fun. Now, let him have his.
His hands spread your ass cheeks apart, guiding you down onto his painfully hard cock with fervor. Sunghoon felt his high inching closer as he pumped in and out of your wetness, ignoring your cries of overstimulation.
“So fucking tight,” he groaned into your neck. He's there. He felt it. You braced yourself for his sweet release.
“Need to pull out...”
Your eyebrows furrowed, expression laced in devastation. As if on instinct, you clenched around him. You wanted it. Whatever ‘it’ was.
“In me,” you babbled through strained moans. “Please, Hoonie?”
He grit his teeth. That damn pet name. You were evil, so fucking evil. With your pretty tits and batting eyelashes. Who was he to deny you? His thrusts were erratic, admiring as your breasts bounced to the rhythm of his thrusts.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fu-”
His hips stuttered up into you. White, hot spurts met your cervix as you reached another orgasm from the sheer feeling of his release, mouth wide open. Your hips gyrated against his, easing both of you through your releases. His head rolled back, jaw clenched, and eyes wired shut as he felt you milk his cock of everything he was worth.
You watched as a white ring formed around his cock was buried deep in you, still a little hard. You rested your body against his. Your eyelids were heavy, so content and warm in ways that only Sunghoon could bring out in you.
“I love you,” he sighed into your hair, his own lethargy getting the best of him. “So fucking much.”
“I love you too.”
And as ridiculous as it sounds, the two of you slept in that position for hours. Two bodies connected at the entrance way of Sunghoon's studio apartment. When the sun came up and you realized what was done in your drunken states, you two panicked for the wrong reason. Did the neighbors hear? What happened to your jacket? Were you gonna get a UTI?
Sunghoon's cheeks reddened from the memory. It had to have been that night.
“A-are you sure?” he stuttered.
You nodded solemnly. You knew it wouldn't be good news for him. It wasn't for you either.
You were almost done with university. It’s supposed to be the year you figured out what you wanted out of a career. So when your first wave of morning sickness hit you just a week earlier, you knew every plan that you had would be forever ripped from your fingers.
To travel the world. To start new hobbies. It would all have to wait. This would be your life now.
When you told your mother, tears streamed down her face. She called you everything underneath the sun. But she knew what it was like to carry a life unexpectedly, so she hugged you through it. Your dad’s reaction was worse. He hadn’t spoken to you yet.
“Two months along,” you whispered. Though he could never regret that night, he realized now how stupid it must have been to ignore the alarm bells in his head. He knew better. You knew better. Why the fuck did it end up like this?
“So…” He gulped. He didn’t know what to say. “What now?”
“I…” you started. Heaving a deep breath, you felt him tense up.
“I want to keep the baby,” you swallowed. Sunghoon’s mouth was parted, and his eyes were blank of emotion.
It made you anxious, his lack of response.
When he didn't reply, you started again. “What should we-”
“Sunghoon Park. Sunghoon Park. Please be on stand-by,” the overhead speaker rang out. He didn't mean to, but like muscle memory, his hand let go of yours. Guilt crashed over him, and he couldn't bring himself to look into your wavering eyes as he walked past you.
The competition. This was his last chance. Coach Jung's voice resounded in his head. Don't mess it up.
“Hoon-”
Your voice fell on deaf ears. His hands covered his face again, trying to refocus. He couldn't throw this away. Years. It took him years to get to this point. He couldn't. He had to skate.
Tears spilled over as you watched his back retreat away from you. You should have waited to tell him, but he had asked. He said he wanted to know.
Your back slumped against the wall of lockers, clutching your stomach as you cried. You couldn't bring yourself to go to the stands and watch him perform.
You knew it was dumb. You weren’t ready, not even close. But still… You wanted to try.
But him. Sunghoon.
You leaned your head back against the cold wall, breath faltering through your tears. What did you even expect? That he'd be happy? Excited?
You let out a shaky laugh.
Of course not. It's not like you were either.
You stood up, dusting yourself off.
You'd figure out a way to do this, you convinced yourself. If it meant that you were by yourself, that was fine. He didn't have to be there. He had big dreams, ones that predated you. You understood, even though it hurt.
“Next to skate, representing the People's Republic of Korea. Sunghoon Park!”
The cheers that ensued soon after made your chest constrict just a little more. You just couldn’t bear to watch him skate now. It was all too much.
You trudged towards the ice rink's exit, arms crossed around you like you were holding yourself. You were proud of him, so proud. He worked so tirelessly for an opportunity like this. Missed sleep and took a gap year from college to pursue this. He wanted it so bad, and though it was heartbreaking to watch him walk away, you knew why. You could talk later, you convinced yourself.
But the thoughts still echoed in your head.
A professional figure skater couldn’t be a father—not now, not at his age. You knew that. God, you hated that you knew it so well. His life wasn’t what most people imagined. There was no glamor in it.
It was practices at the crack of dawn in freezing rinks and endless flights to cities he barely saw beyond hotel rooms. He could only fund basic living expenses with what little he earned from winning. He had a part-time job working the graveyard shift at a convenience store to even afford competition fees and dates with you.
He gave everything for this dream—his body, his sanity, his youth.
But he tried. In everything he did, he tried. That was the worst part.
Because even with all that trying, you still knew. That there would be no space in his life for the tiny heartbeat inside you.
You knew he'd have to quit. There was no way around it. Raising a child takes too much time away from the rink.
If he stayed, if he chose to be in this child's life, he'd have to give it all up.And it would be because of you.
But this was your life too. Your body. Your future. And no matter how tightly you clung to the image of him at your side, holding your hand in the delivery room, learning how to hold a newborn with trembling fingers—you had to be honest with yourself.
You wanted this baby. Even if it meant letting him go, even if that meant standing alone with a life you never planned for, you’d do it.
Because you knew that if it ever came down to choosing between his dream and you, it would always be-
“[Y/N], wait!”
You stopped in your tracks, stunned to hear his voice so close. Like he was here and not on the ice. You didn’t even notice that music stopped permeating the walls of the rink, that the announcer had moved on to the next contestant. He was running to you, socks thumping on the ground like he had taken his skates off only a moment before.
No. It couldn't be.
He reached you, his arms wrapped around you from behind. You heard his shaky breath against the back of your head. His thumb rubbed your forearms, planting a small kiss on your hair.
“We'll figure it out,” Sunghoon blurted out when he felt like the silence between you two was suffocating. “Together.”
You turned around to face him, panicked.
“Sunghoon, no,” you tried to push him away, but he pulled you in closer. “You need to go-”
“No.”
You looked at him, pain etched in every part of his beautiful face.
“But that's your future,” you cried out, mustering everything in yourself to not melt in his embrace. He was making a mistake. He'd hate you for the rest of your life if he-
“No,” he said again, much clearer. More determined. “It’s you.”
His hand drifted to your stomach, and he smiled this time as he looked into your teary eyes.
“You're my future.”
You shook your head incessantly. “Hoon, you're not thinking straight. I should've waited to tell you. You're not in your right mind. You need to go back and-”
He silenced you with his lips, so soft—like it might break you if he were any less gentle. You fell into his touch, unknowingly pulling him closer. He kissed you again and again, hands holding yours until your tremors faded with his touch.
“I love you,” he would say between each peck. “I'm not letting you do this alone.”
And you smiled, a real, genuine smile.
“I love you too.”
You moved in with him in that tiny studio apartment, shortly after, sharing a bed that barely even fit his tall frame. The cradle he built took up the majority of the living area.
But it was nice, waking up with him every day. He talked in his sleep, would whisper your name in that sweet voice of his so lovingly. Some days, Sunghoon wouldn't let you lift a finger, would insist that you needed as much rest as possible before your due date. You had to convince him that your job as a receptionist was certainly not so physically taxing that he had to follow you to it every day.
You also got married. It was simple. Just Sunghoon and you in a courthouse with Jake and Jay, trying not to stifle their laughter as witnesses to your marriage ceremony. You wore the white dress your mother wore, and Sunghoon wore his best suit, tie tied by you.
“Say cheese!” Jake chimed as you two posed with your signed certificate. The two of them cooed at your growing belly.
You were showing now, a small bump that Sunghoon admired each time he saw you do your online classes on the kitchen counter. He never got around to buying a desk, even though he was also back in school full-time.
He had that dreaded conversation with Coach Jung beneath the dim lights of an empty rink. Sunghoon told him quietly, almost like an apology, that he’d be hanging up his skates until further notice. He wanted to be there for you at every step of the pregnancy. If he was going to stick beside you, he was going to do it right.
Coach didn’t yell. He didn’t need to. The disappointment on his face said everything.
And so Sunghoon hadn’t touched the ice since.
He couldn’t bear to set foot in that rink anymore. Not when he knew he’d only be watching from the stands.
Not when the sound of blades carving through the ice was coming from someone else’s skates.
Not when he used to relish in the cold air passing through his body. Now, the only wind on his face came from passing cars as he biked to his second job.
He picked up a shift at a nearby restaurant. Just as a server. The kind of job that reminded him how painfully ordinary he was without his skates. Sometimes, when no one’s looking, he’ll shift his weight just right and practice his landings in the break room, arms out, knees bent.
Other times, he scrolls through YouTube during his graveyard shift at the convenience store, searching up his own name with trembling fingers, watching old performances through a phone screen. Reading comments. Trying to remember what it felt like to matter to people he never met.
You noticed, probably more than you let on. You just tried not to pry. He would get distant when you mentioned it, like that part of himself needed to be tucked away and out of his sight. You knew he was afraid, terrified to look back and see everything he gave up.
But when Sunghee was born, it was like his world started to make sense again. He held her like she was made of glass. Sobbed so loudly the first time he saw her, you thought he was in pain.
But no, he was just overwhelmed. Taken by the way her tiny hand curled around his finger, how her cries quieted the moment he held her close.
He’d protect her, he swore to himself. That this—her—wrapped up in the pink hospital blanket, was his life now.
And maybe, for a moment, he believed that was enough.
But the thoughts never stopped. His eyes would flicker toward the old duffel bag in the closet, where his skates were still packed away. He gave that up. For you. For her. And he’d never say he regretted it. But you knew.
You understood what he was grieving. Because you grieved too.
That girl who used to dream of making art, she felt like a ghost now. Someone you used to know.
Your passions, the things that once lit a fire in you, now sat gathering dust. All shelved quietly the moment your body became a home for Sunghee.
And your parents. You were still trying to reassemble the broken pieces of your relationship with them. Your mother tried to be there for you in her own way, but her disappointment was loud in the quietest moments between you two. And your father… well, he still hadn’t really looked you in the eye since the day you told him.
And though she was born healthy, Sunghee came into the world screaming. She was a loud baby, inconsolable most nights, and the exhaustion had tested Sunghoon and you.
You took turns because you had to. He’d rock her until sunrise, then stumble to his classes. He started falling asleep during his breaks at work, cheek pressed against cold metal tables.
He didn’t care much for his own health, but the bags beneath your eyes pained him. Your face, once bright and curious, had dimmed under all the sleepless nights and rising costs of diapers. You were both burnt out.
He dropped Sunghee off with his parents for one night and dragged you out to see your friends. It was Jake's going-away dinner.
“It’s so hard to meet nowadays,” you sighed. “Feels like I’ve been nursing a migraine for the past three months.”
Jake laughed.
“Sad I won’t get to see her grow up,” he said as he poured himself a beer. “Make sure to bring her to Australia one day. She deserves to see her coolest uncle play football.”
Niki rolled his eyes.
“No one’s paying for that long-ass flight to see you benchwarm,” Niki mumbled, chewing on some chips. “Have her come see me dance instead. At least I’ll be in the center.”
Jake smacks his friend on the back of the head.
“No need for any of that,” Jay chimed in. “She won’t have time for either of you. Papa bear here probably already has her future all mapped out. Skates on before she can walk.”
An awkward silence filled the room. The joke was lighthearted, but it landed too close to a wound no one had dared to touch in the past year. Sunghoon gave a quiet laugh, a hollow one without warmth. He brought the bottle to his lips and didn’t look at anyone when he spoke.
“Yeah... she’ll be a star.”
He eyed the ceiling, pondering what she would look like. Maybe just like him. Graceful. Passionate. “Olympic-worthy. Could probably win gold if we find the right coach early enough.”
You pursed your lips and stared at the condensation running down your glass.
Sunoo cleared his throat, noticing the tense atmosphere. He raised his glass with forced enthusiasm. “To our beautiful Sunghee,” he cheered. “And to Jake’s success!”
Sunghoon smiled, but not really. He was happy for his friend, sure. But behind his facade, envy sat heavy on his tongue.
‘This night could have been for you. They could have been congratulating you. And you gave it all up. Now look at you. You’re a nobody.’
You couldn’t help but watch him throughout the night as he grew quieter, his sips of beer more like chugs now. You rubbed circles on his back like you always did when he got like this, hoping to bring him back into the conversation. But his eyes stayed glued to the back corner of the bar.
As you patted him, he pulled your wrist away. Not harshly. Not angrily. Just a simple tug. He set your hand back on your lap, his gaze straight ahead and away from you.
“I’m okay,” he assured you, but you didn’t believe him. Not then.
Not ever, really.
Though time passed, life never got easier. The weight of responsibility pressed harder on your shoulders with each passing year. And while you both smiled through milestones and made do with the small hiccups in your relationship, you were content with this life. Doing laundry on lazy Sundays, Sunghoon singing nursery rhymes to Sunghee before school.
But after the birth of your second child, Sungjae, it had all started to rot.
Sunghoon’s longing for his old life never faded. It stewed in him, creeping into his thoughts at his corporate job after finishing university, haunting him on bus rides home.
The bills piled higher. Your patience wore thinner. Conversations turned into quiet disagreements and tired sighs. You no longer fought. You didn’t even have the energy for that. Just two ghosts of your former selves moving through the same rooms, sleeping in the same bed, wondering what could’ve been.
thirteen years later. the present.
Sunghoon adjusts his tie, furrowing his brows as he sees how crooked it is from the reflection of the mirror. He gives up halfway through. Fuck it, it would be a no-tie kind of day. He exits the bedroom, his footsteps making loud echoes on the way down the spiral staircase and towards the all-marble kitchen. He inhales slowly as he smells the fragrance of smoked spices dancing around his nostrils. It was enough to make his mouth water.
“What's cooking, good-looking?” he says, entering the kitchen with a wide grin on his face.
“Ew,” a voice rang out, soft and disgruntled. Sunghoon turns the corner and almost laughs at the sight.
“Shut up,” Sunoo scoffs, clad in an apron and silk pajamas. “Don’t say corny shit like that in my house until you get your act together.”
Sunghoon takes a seat on the barstool of the kitchen counter. He watches Sunoo maneuver the wide expanse of the kitchen like an expert.
“I'm a dad,” Sunghoon sighs out. “That’s kind of our thing.”
“Yeah, one going through a divorce,” Sunoo snaps back, monitoring his frittata closely on the stove.
Sunghoon's shoulders slump. Of course, the only friend willing to let him stay for an indefinite amount of time was the one most critical of his life choices. Sunoo insisted, in fact. Said his place was “feeling empty” anyway.
“So,” Sunoo coughs, acknowledging he might have taken it too far with his earlier comment. “Any word from her about the court date yet?”
Sunghoon shrugs, eyes on his watch as it nears 8:30 a.m. He'd have to leave soon to get to work. His boring, dull job as a fiscal manager at blah blah blah corporation. Even he barely knows what he does for a living.
“Can I borrow your car?” Sunghoon asks, ignoring his friend's question. He doesn't like to talk about it. Doesn't want to speak anything into existence, even if it was already happening.
You asked for it two weeks ago. A divorce.
He's been living with (mooching off of) Sunoo since.
“Which one? The Bugatti or the Ferrari?”
Sunghoon gives Sunoo a side-eye, and the younger fails to stifle a laugh. He never wastes a second to flex on his friend, the only one out of their friend group who worked at a 9-5 job in total and absolute misery.
Heeseung's a streamer, Jay took over as CEO of his father's company, Jake was still playing football in Australia, Jungwon started his own Taekwondo studio, and Niki was traveling the world as a choreographer. And of course, Sunoo wound up in a big old mansion with his modeling career.
Sunghoon thought he'd end up like them. He got the right experience after university to find a stable job that didn't involve slaving away at customer service gigs like he did before.
He thought he'd move up higher in his company by now. Have a team to call his own, like Jungwon had, or make “small, high-impact decisions” like Jay claims he does. But none of that ever came. His heart was never in it.
Sunghoon sighs.
“Whatever gets me from Point A to Point B,” he mutters. Sunoo cuts a piece of frittata from the skillet and plates it. He slides it over to his older friend and tosses a key from his pocket.
“Take the Kia Soul.”
Sunghoon groans. “You're fucking with me.”
“Mr. Park,” his coworker chirps into his ear. “I was wondering how your KPIs were this week…”
Sunghoon lets him drone on as he types on his computer. No private office, just a cubicle by the elevators. He hates how people tend to gravitate towards him for small talk. He's not very good at it. Never has been. It was a common joke within his family that he skated more than he spoke growing up.
You dragged him out of his shell when you met, cracked him open with your bright-eyed gazes and addictive laughter. He’d planned to keep his head down when he was younger. No distractions and no detours. Just figure skating.
But how could he not fall in love with you?
He shakes his head, trying to push the thoughts aside before it settles in too deeply. He reminisces too much.
It’s like the past is all his mind drifts off to these days.
He leaves work on time. Gets stuck in traffic, like usual. And drives to the home you two once shared. A routine he's used to by now.
He sees your car in the driveway and groans. He knew if he sees you, you'd bring up the papers again. Those stupid fucking papers.
“Hey, kiddo,” he says as he enters the once-familiar home. You've made changes to it since he's been gone. He squints to get a better look. In just two weeks, the kitchen's completely repainted with a soft green instead of gray. The living room was completely rearranged, and family pictures were taken down from the walls.
Sungjae is sitting on the couch, playing with his iPad. He only looks up for a second before he gets back into whatever is playing on his device. Sunghoon knew he should have hidden that thing before he left. Or, he guesses, before you kicked him out.
“Where's your sister?” he asks, practically into the void.
As if on cue, Sunghee walks down the stairs. Her eyes are already rolling, and she's still wearing her pink pajamas and bunny slippers.
“Get dressed, princess. We're gonna be late for your practice!”
Sunghee tsks.
“C'mon,” Sunghoon adds with a forced smile. “You missed the last two practices already. You're gonna fall behind-”
“Dad, I already told you I want to quit,” she cuts in. “Can't you just take a freaking hint?”
Sunghoon stares blankly at his daughter, trying to hold back the irritation bubbling beneath the surface. Sunghoon doesn’t know where she gets the attitude comes from. It's like when Sunghee hit the age of 13, she morphed into a walking stick of dynamite with a terribly short fuse.
“Well,” he begins, voice tight but even. “Why don't we push through it for today, hm? You know, back in my day, I wasn't always up for the challenge, but-”
“We get it dad!” she groans. “'Back in my day' this, 'if I were you' that. No one cares!"
It stings him more than he cares to admit.
"Sunghee," he says, slower this time, the edge creeping into his voice.
She just scoffs at her father's serious expression. She's never been scared of him when he's angry. That was always your role.
"I’m not going," she stands her ground, crossing her arms. "You can't make me. If you wanna go so bad, then go to that stupid ice rink by yourself.”
Sunghoon inhales sharply, planting his hands on his hips to seem more assertive.
From the couch, seven-year-old Sungjae snickers.
“Listen here, young lady-”
“Listen here, young lady…” Sungjae mocks, in a tone much like his father's. Sunghoon whips his head to his iPad kid.
“And you, young man-”
“Sunghoon,” you say sternly as you appear at the staircase. “I already called to cancel. Indefinitely. Even if you take her now, she won't even be able to join the other kids.”
Sunghee sticks her tongue out at her father, prancing to the couch to pinch her younger brother's cheeks.
He blinks, brows knitting together. “What? Why would you do that without telling me?”
"Sorry, was that a decision that needed your approval?" you ask sarcastically. "You can't make her do something she doesn't want to do."
Sunghoon scoffs, pointing an accusatory finger at you. But he stops himself. His gaze flickers to the kids, who pretend like they're not watching from the living room.
He swallows down whatever instinct tells him to argue right here, right now. You two never fought in front of them, an unspoken rule. Even if you were technically separated, he would not break that now.
“Let's talk in our room,” he whispers closely, and you roll your eyes.
“My room,” you correct, already turning to head back up. You don’t see it, but he tries not to flinch at your harshness.
He closes the door behind you two, the air thick with tension. He starts again.
“Why are you making decisions without me already?” he asks, trying to keep his tone level. “You cancel her figure skating classes and repaint the kitchen? Why are you-”
You sigh, already tired.
“We've been talking about repainting that ugly kitchen for years, Sunghoon,” you sigh. "You never wanted to actually get started on it. Sorry, I actually make time for the things I want."
So this is the direction you wanted the conversation to go in? Fine. He can be passive-aggressive, too.
"And Sunghee? Didn't you think to run that by me when I’m the one that pays for those lessons?"
You grit your teeth. He sees where Sunghee gets it from now, your hands crossed over your chest in disdain.
"Have you tried listening to her about practices? She gets injured all the time! Coach Jung is horrible to her. She’s miserable-”
His jaw tightens. “You don't think I was too? Half the time, I hated skating! But that’s what it takes. You think greatness just feels good all the time?! And the kitchen was fine. I don’t get why—”
"She's not trying to be great, Sunghoon!" you cry exasperatedly, your hands thrown up into the air. "She's not trying to be you."
You point your finger at his chest. “And you always think everything's fine. Until it's too late.”
Your words hung in the air, his eyes meeting yours.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he says finally, quieter this time.
You retract your hand, nervous under his gaze. It’s intense, familiar in a way that still sends sparks throughout your body, even now. Even after everything.
“Stop trying to force your dreams onto her,” you finally let out, and you see his eyes waver. "Just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean you can try again through her."
“That's not what-”
“Look,” you interrupt him, turning away from him to face the wall. “All I'm saying is that maybe this is your wake-up call. Things change. Not everything that you want is going to happen. Maybe learn to change with it.”
He scoffs.
You turn back around to face him. He's angry, but his face doesn’t give it away. It’s his trembling hands, how his posture straightens just a little too stiffly.
“A little too late to change when my whole life was already laid out for me,” he says through bated breaths. “It’s not like I ever had a choice where I’d end up.”
Your heart sinks. “And it's all my fault, right?”
Sunghoon’s eyes flicker, his gaze softening at your hurt expression.
“I didn't say that-”
“But it's what you think, right?” You try to look strong. You think of all the nights he lay awake replaying his old skating clips in the glow of his phone screen. The way he cheered for Sunghee during competitions, like his voice alone could ignite the passion she didn’t have. The muffled sniffles from the shower after the last Winter Olympics ended. You saw it all. You always did.
Sunghoon is silent, and you fight the sting in your eyes.
“I never asked you to marry me,” you say as low as a whisper, cutting through the silence.
“But I did,” Sunghoon says quickly. Desperately. “And I wanted to.”
You draw out a laugh, bitterness dripping through.
“I'm so sorry, Sunghoon,” you say, sarcasm spilling over your lips. “I'm sorry this isn't the life you wanted. But newsflash: you're not the only one living with regrets. ”
He steps forward, but you move back. The weight of everything presses against your chest now that the words are out. Now that it’s not just his pain taking up space in your relationship.
“You act like you’re the only one who lost something,” you say, softer now. “But I gave up things, too. I had dreams too.”
You don’t mean it cruelly, and he doesn’t take it that way. But it hurts, still.
"And I'm done walking on eggshells around you just because you can't stand the fact that you aren't living the life you wanted.”
You take a deep breath and continue.
“If I knew this was how we'd end up, we should have never even met-"
His hand hovers over your cheek. His lips, so dangerously close to yours. “Stop it.”
His voice is shaky.
“Don’t say things you don’t mean.”
You don't pull away, but your gaze does not waver. “I mean it. Genuinely.”
You don’t see Sunghoon’s heart break at that moment. But he feels it. Feels the tightness in his chest, the way his throat closes up, like your words were enough to kill him.
“When did you become so cruel?” Hurt laced his voice.
“And when did you start resenting me?” you bite back, but the words barely escape your throat.
He doesn’t answer, just leans in and kisses you. And you let him.
Because maybe this is the last time you’ll feel him like this. Maybe this is the last tender moment you two will share.
His hand lingers at your jaw, thumb brushing gently over your cheek. You feel your own breath catch, and for a second, you almost melt into him.
“I love you,” Sunghoon says, but it sparks nothing in you.
Instead, you hear everything he didn’t say. He didn’t say no or that you were wrong. So maybe he really does, you thought to yourself.
His kisses almost make you forget. Almost enough to blur out the long winters and how distant he gets. How painfully silent he is at the dinner table, eyes always somewhere else.
His lips guide you through it all, each kiss igniting a memory.
How his shoulders sagged the day he started that full-time job. How his smile, once so quick to bring out of him, turned into something you had to search for. How the light in his eyes, so blinding when he was on the ice, dimmed, little by little.
His hands trail under your shirt now as he peppers kisses down your throat.
“I miss you,” he sighs.
How he’ll wake up in the middle of the night and leave without a word, how you’ll see his location is at the ice rink, probably watching the Zamboni circle around. But he'd never bring his skates with him.
His lips meet yours again, deeper this time. His knee finds its way in between your legs.
You couldn’t do this anymore. It’s been far too many times, letting him wiggle his way back into your good graces. This was it. You would choose yourself this time.
Your fingers close around his wrists, gentle but firm. The warmth of his skin against yours nearly breaks your resolve, but you force yourself to meet his eyes. Even though it hurts.
“I think you should leave.”
You release yourself from his hold. Sunghoon's expression is unreadable, but you know by now it's a facade.
You could not carry his pain with you any longer. You needed him to let you go, just as much as you needed to let him go.
“Baby...” he starts, voice fragile.
“Don't,” you say quickly, lips pressed tight. “You can't call me that anymore, Sunghoon.”
His heart aches. He was supposed to be Hoon to you. Your Hoon. When did that change?
But he doesn't ask. He just watches you, eyes dark and full of all the things he never figured out how to say until it was already too late.
“The papers...” you pause, swallowing hard. You see a flicker of panic flash across his face.
“They're on the kitchen counter. Take them before you leave.”
Sunghoon did not take the papers.
In fact, just like Sunghee suggested, he went to the so-called “stupid” ice rink by himself.
He sits in the highest row of the stands, arms crossed, jaw clenched. The kids glide around the ice below. Parents he used to talk to are filming on the sidelines, their laughter echoing faintly off the cold, hard walls.
Envy coats his skin.
Coach Jung is barking commands at the kids. He sneaks glances up at Sunghoon every so often, trying to be subtle. But he knows what that look means. It’s pity.
At one point, Coach Jung had pulled him aside to tell him that Sunghee wasn't built for the sport. Not like Sunghoon was. She was too stiff, too in her own head about spinning in the air. She never cracked a smile when she was on the ice. She always kept her head low and movements small, as if it was still scary for her after years of practicing.
It's not like Sunghoon didn't notice, but he always thought she’d come around to it. He was pushed into figure skating by his parents, much like he was doing for her. It wasn’t like his passions ignited overnight. ‘It could be her dream if she let it be,’ he thought to himself.
Why couldn’t she let it? Why wouldn’t she even try?
Sunghoon sits in the stands, even after the kids pour out one by one and the lights start to dim. Coach Jung offers one last, forced smile before disappearing into the locker rooms. Sunghoon stays until he’s the only one left under the lights.
The Zamboni comes in, shaving and washing the ice to be used for the next day. When the machine finishes, the driver climbs out and heads up toward the stands. He's in his early twenties with blonde hair and dark eyes. He's moving towards Sunghoon with a smile.
Sunghoon stands up, a little intimidated by the younger man. His back turns to go up the stairs and to the exit, wanting to avoid a conversation.
“You're always here at night, sir,” the guy calls out. “Do you have a special connection to this place?”
Sunghoon stops in his tracks. He used to get recognized all the time. On the streets and in this very place. He used to mean something.
He turns around and gives a polite smile to the young man. He points at one of the many banners that hang from the ice rink walls. “Park Sunghoon” was in bright gold colors on each one.
“I used to train here,” he says, with a hint of pride. “National champion for ten straight years, from when I was 11 up until I was 21.”
The guy whistles softly, impressed.
“We could use you, you know?" he says. "I think they’re looking for a new coach. Heard the old one's retiring soon.”
Sunghoon flinches. “Coach Jung? He hasn't told me yet. My daughter trains with him.”
He can't bring himself to use the past tense with her just yet.
The young man just nods. "I think he's planning to announce it after the next competition."
Sunghoon feels his chest constrict. He shakes his head. Another person leaving.
“I guess everything’s changing…” he whispers, but it did not fall on deaf ears. The stranger moves closer to him. "We're all so old now."
The stranger sighs. “Youth can be so cruel, can't it?”
Sunghoon, in his confusion, scoffs.
“The opposite, actually,” he argues. “Life's easier when you're young. Anything was possible back then.”
He takes a second to continue.
“And it all can be taken from you,” he mutters, more to himself. “Before you even realize it.”
“That's the worst, isn't it?” The young man chimes in. He's sitting where Sunghoon was earlier. “When you wonder what could've been…”
Sunghoon’s mouth twists into something like a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“That's all I think about,” he said, surprised at himself for opening up to a stranger. And it's true.
What if he hadn’t stopped skating? What if you hadn’t gotten pregnant?
He sits back down, next to the Zamboni driver.
“We all have regrets,” the young man says, looking ahead, voice soft.
Sunghoon stares up at the ceiling and lets out a breathless laugh through the silence. Flashes of you overcame his vision. Nights of hushed arguments and facing away from each other on the bed. Nothing went his way after the World Championships. He lost it all. His passion. His dreams. You.
“Why does it have to be that way?” he asks no one in particular.
A silence fills the room. The blonde turns his head to face him. “Maybe you could live a life without one, Park Sunghoon.”
He stills for a second.
“How did you know my na-” And as Sunghoon turns to face the stranger, he is met with nothing. Like the man was never there in the first place.
He's driving in that ugly, neon green Kia Soul, making his way back to Sunoo's egregiously large mansion.
Sunghoon's grip on the steering wheel tightens every time he checks the rearview mirror. He can’t shake the feeling like he’s being watched. That guy… the way he talked, like he knew him. Not just his name, but everything underneath.
But screw that guy and whatever cryptic bullshit he was spouting. Screw his perfect friends, rich and successful. Every time they reunite, it’s like a reminder of everything Sunghoon’s not.
And screw the way Sunghee and Sungjae don’t even look at him like he matters. He tries. God knows he does. But they don’t know him. Don't know who either of you were outside of being their parents.
And you know what? Screw you and those damn papers too-
SCRREEEEE.
In an instant, his world is spinning out of control. Airbags deploy as Sunghoon jostles in a car that tumbles with him. The last thing he remembers is flashing lights and the loud sound of a crash. A sharp pain shoots through the left side of his body, and he feels as if he is coming in and out of consciousness.
Sunghoon's eyes blink open, but he's not lying where he thinks he should be. It’s not the inside of a casket, nor is it a hospital room ceiling. He lies there with a cold and familiar feeling.
Ice.
Instead of the wrinkled suit he threw on that morning, he’s wearing sweatpants and a fitted black top. Not a scratch on him. No blood, no bruises.
Was he dead?
“Is just one axel hard for you now, kid?” a voice calls out.
He recognizes it almost immediately. Coach Jung. Sunghoon sits up, yanking his gloved hands from the coldness. What the fuck was happening?
“Get your ass back up and do it again,” Coach Jung shouts from the sidelines. The music starts again. Sunghoon’s eyes flutter shut, and he swears it's muscle memory. He knows this routine. The one from that night. The night he met you.
He moves. Instinct takes over. Jumps, spins, the sharp sound of his blades cutting clean into the ice. Every turn and landing exactly where it should be. He’s smiling from ear to ear now, almost childlike.
And if he were dead and this was the last thing he'd ever experience, then maybe dying wasn't so bad. He’d stayed off the ice for years, terrified that if he felt this weightless feeling again, that his regrets would consume him.
“Perform like that and you'll win no matter what,” Coach Jung calls out as the music fades. Even breathless, Sunghoon felt like he could do ten more spins across the ice. His heart was racing. Everything felt so real. The soreness of his muscles, the cold air against his skin, the echoes of Coach's voice.
“What day is it today?” Sunghoon asks abruptly. "And what year?"
He’s pinching his wrist now, nails digging in and almost drawing blood. He flinched. It hurt like hell. Was this not a dream?
“Kid, did you hit your head when you fell?” Coach Jung laughs.
And when he says the exact date, Sunghoon's confused. It wasn’t like today was anything special. Just a random Tuesday. So why would this moment, 16 years ago, be where he ended up after crashing his car?
Looking at the reflection of his younger, more athletic self in the mirror, he just couldn't believe it. No matter how much he slapped his face or banged his head against the locker room door, he was still here. In this younger body.
He's walking home from practice now. His phone buzzes in his pocket of the boys’ group chat, the old one they used to fill with dumb inside jokes before you and the other significant others joined the group. But your name is yet to be in his contacts.
And then he remembers. It’s three days before you’re in the stands of the smaller national competition he won many years ago.
He’s not one to panic, but his thoughts are running in circles. Did he actually go back in time, or is this all in his head?
He sees someone in his periphery. A man around his age, standing near the curb, waving. Casual. Like they’ve met before. And they have.
The Zamboni driver.
He has a sinister smile, one that sends shivers down Sunghoon’s spine. Sunghoon doesn’t hesitate. He marches forward and grabs him by the collar. “Who the fuck are you? Is this happening because of you?”
The man smirks, clearly amused.
“You wanted to try, right? A life without regrets?”
Sunghoon glares at him, confused. “What?”
“Park Sunghoon,” the blonde says sternly. “This is your last chance. Use it wisely.”
Before he can respond, the man shoves him back.
“What are you talk-”
And as he blinks, the stranger disappears. His head starts throbbing uncontrollably, and ringing sets in his ears. He hears a voice then, yet he can’t recognize it.
“What will you choose in this life?”
Even as the reality of everything he left behind starts to settle, he feels a strange sense of calm wash over his grief.
He knows what to do.
three days later.
Sunghoon sees you in the corner of his eye as he’s tightening his skates. You’re sitting with your friends, ones who had encouraged you to come and watch him. Back then, he was all anyone on campus could talk about. The quiet freshman with Olympic dreams who just missed his opportunity last year. He was skating harder than ever, pushing himself to the edge. Skipping classes. Shutting out everything but the rink.
Until you came along.
He remembers your first date. He'd asked awkwardly, “How come you like me?” because he genuinely didn’t understand.
It’s not like the plushie you threw was the first with a phone number taped to it. Not even the tenth. He got plenty of confessions growing up, but he wanted to know why. What made anyone interested in an introverted and one-track-minded guy like him? He had no hobbies outside of figure skating, no real conversation skills that went past awkward greetings.
Yet, you teased him with that Cheshire grin of yours.
“How could I not?" you say so casually as his heart bloomed. "I’ve never seen someone pour so much love into what they do until I met you. You know what you want. I admire that.”
Your words stuck with him. He’d never forgotten it. And even now, those words echo in his chest as he skates to the center of the ice.
The music starts, and he lets himself get lost in the rhythm. As he glides across the ice, there is nothing on his mind. He just takes it all in. The roar of the audience. The sound of skates hitting ice. It’s all he ever wanted.
The routine, like in the past, was met with a standing ovation. The screams of those in the stands overwhelm him. He goes to each section of the rink, bowing as tears threaten to spill over. It’s all too much. And not enough.
Then, he reaches yours. Sunghoon finds you in the sea of people like he did before. Your hair is down, and your face is softer. He chokes back on his tears, so enthralled by your beauty. He couldn’t take his eyes off you.
He bows, more deeply than to the other sections.
You throw that stuffed penguin through the air at the perfect time as it lands by his feet. And as Sunghoon rises from the bow, your eyes are on him again. Expectant.
You don’t know him yet. Not really. You aren't aware of the pain to come. The fights. The distance. The way he’ll drain all the color from your life.
As he turns to move to the final section, he catches a flicker of sadness in your eyes. A frown is present on your beautiful face. He wants to make it go away, but he can’t. Not in this life.
And so the penguin sits on the ice, lifeless, as he skates off the rink.
That night, he skips the afterparty. He goes straight to his shitty studio apartment, the one with the thin walls and peeling paint, and collapses on the bed.
He buries his face into the sheets, the fabric dampening his sobs. The crowd’s cheers still ring faintly in his ears, but now it all sounds hollow. He screams then, into the mattress, at the thought of Sunghee and Sungjae. His babies. The only pieces outside of you in his old life that made it worth fighting for. Would they ever exist in this version of his life?
He tries to steady himself. Tells himself this was for the best. That your life would be easier without him as your words echoed in his head.
"If I knew this was how we'd end up, we should have never even met."
No years wasted, no sacrifices stacked on top of each other until they became resentment. No nights spent worried about bills or appeasing your parents, who never really quite liked him.
He wants to believe he’s doing you a favor.
But the tears don’t stop. Not when he thinks about the weight of Sunghee in his arms the first time he held her. Not when he remembers teaching Sungjae how to read with his tiny hands clutching the book, his eyes lighting up at each new word.
He’s letting it all go. All of it.
This was supposed to be his second chance. To live his dream without regrets. To see what it felt like.
And it felt like hell.
The next few nights were abysmal. Practice became unbearable. He wasn’t eating. He wasn’t sleeping. His body hit the ice harder whenever he missed a spin, which was every time at this point. Coach Jung eventually pulled him aside, clearly frustrated.
“Go home, Sunghoon. Straighten yourself out and get the hell off my ice.”
But home didn’t feel real. None of this did.
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t keep skating like this, not when every turn reminded him of you.
Sunghoon had to see you. Just once. Just enough to know you were okay. He told himself the kids would still exist somehow, even if your love story started differently in this version of life. That thought was the only thing holding him together.
He freshens himself up to go to campus, not having touched his backpack in weeks. He remembers your route like the back of his hand. Morning coffee at the cafe just off campus, right before your 9 AM. He will intercept you here, at this corner of the street.
Sunghoon's in a black turtleneck, wearing the glasses you would always steal off of him. The one that made you squirm under his intense gaze. The air was chilled, and his hands were buried deep in his navy jeans. He sees you coming into view, and he almost extends a hand to wave.
But he sees him, too.
Beomgyu. Your ex. The one who would ask your friends how you were doing, knowing full well that you were married with kids. The one who eventually became a guitarist for a band he would pretend not to like. Sunghoon had asked you to block him from everything before, and you complied. It hurt to admit that his insecurities were still present even now, in another life.
Sunghoon hides behind a tree as he watches you two struggle through the cold. Your shoulders are close but not quite touching. He feels his heart rate accelerate, his lips pursed to prevent himself from saying anything that would compromise his hiding spot.
“Beomgyu, you don’t have to walk me to class,” he overheard you say with a laugh. “I’m okay, really.”
Sunghoon’s hands balled into fists. Why did your voice sound an octave higher than it usually does?
Beomgyu had the nerve to laugh, and it took Sunghoon everything in himself not to jump out.
You once told him that Beomgyu was your first love. Your high school boyfriend. You had ended things on good terms at the end of high school to find yourselves in college.
“Good,” Sunghoon once said. “Because you found me.”
And now here you were, looking happy. Grinning from ear to ear. What was there to smile about?
“Doesn’t this remind you of old times? You used to stuff your hands in my pockets-”
And though Sunghoon almost wills himself to leave the spot behind the tree, he doesn’t. Because he needed to watch this. Needed to watch you live the life you would’ve had without him. The easier one.
He sees it now in the way your nose would scrunch to laugh at Beomgyu’s jokes. How you playfully hit the boy’s shoulder and hide your giggles with the sleeve of your puffer jacket.
Maybe that’s why the stranger had chosen this year. To taunt him.
Look how happy someone else could make her. Was he the only reason why you were miserable? How much did he really hold you back?
And so Sunghoon steps aside, shoving his hands back in his jeans. The icy wind cuts through his reddened cheeks. He asked for this. And he’ll have to live with it in this life.
Sunghoon turns around to give you one last look. But he also sees Sunghee, in her Elsa costume for Halloween. Sungjae asking for a mountain of kimchi at every restaurant. Your hand reaching for his across the dinner table.
He’ll have to live with it.
In the next three years, Sunghoon put his all into skating. He is consumed by it. Throws himself into it like it’s the only thing keeping him alive.
His professors have to send him emails to remind him not to neglect his studies. His mother scolds him for missing holidays at home because he travels so much for competitions. But Sunghoon doesn’t care.
He loves figure skating. Loves the endless cheers from the crowd when he lands a clean program. Loves the headlines, the trophies lining his apartment shelves, the constant buzz of being "the nation's pride." It’s everything he knew he wanted.
But, there’s always that one seat in the stands. The one you used to sit in during his competitions, holding up a handmade banner and shouting his name louder than anyone.
Now, the face in that seat changes all the time. Some new fan. Some stranger holding a sign that doesn't mean anything to him.
He tells himself the past doesn’t matter. That this version of you, the one who laughs in cafes with Beomgyu, who’s always posting photos from new cities, new hobbies, new lives, wouldn’t even recognize the girl he remembers.
The girl who used to sit cross-legged on his couch, studying while he iced his ankle. Who wept with joy the night he won first at an international competition.
Now you’re in a photography club. A painting class. Pottery? Really?
You travel more now than you two ever did in your 16 years together. He scrolls past your updates with a numb thumb, telling himself he’s glad. He guesses that he did the right thing.
And every time he walks past you with Beomgyu, smiling with all your teeth, it lingers. Those damn words are repeating in his head again.
"If I knew this was how we'd end up, we should have never even met."
Now he gets it. He guessed that he held you back from so much. Look at you with your wonderful friends and the amazing life you live without him! He scoffs. You deserve it.
You adjusted to him and his demanding training schedule, canceling plans with people so that you could maximize the time you had with him in the rare chance that he was in town. Maybe Beomgyu never would’ve asked you to sacrifice like that. Maybe he would’ve waited for you to come home from your clubs, instead of dragging you to cold rinks and rushed meals together in between practice sessions.
Sunghoon's fine. He swears on it.
Wake up. Go to class (if he feels like it). Skate for hours. Push through the pain. Go home. Cry into his pillow. Rinse and repeat.
The Olympics are a year away. The World Championships are in two months.
And the night you two conceived Sunghee is tomorrow.
tomorrow.
He wills himself to stay home, even when the boys suggest he hit up a few bars and clubs. It's the weekend after all.
But Sunghoon is used to making excuses by now. Blames it on his training schedule, his diet, Coach Jung. Whatever would get Jake off his back.
So when Sunghoon hears a knock at his door, and three boys pull up already reeking of alcohol, he’s surprised that he finds himself in that exact bar where he promised himself he wouldn’t be.
It’s just like before. Same music, same sickening smell of spilled tequila and too much cologne from Heeseung. And, as always, he’s bad at poker. Worse than he remembers. He’s downing a shot after every loss until his head is spinning and he can’t remember the rules anymore.
“I’m gonna… go… pee…” he tries to say, but his words get lost in mumbles and drooping eyes. He miraculously stumbles towards the restroom and does his business in the urinal. He’s dousing his face with water after barely washing his hands, and he smiles at his reflection. God, why didn’t he want to go out again?
Sunghoon exits the restroom, shaking his wrists to expel the water from his hands. And his breath catches. He sees you.
Your back’s to him at first, your sparkly red dress riding up on the stool just like it was that night. You’re laughing at something the bartender says. And he swears for a second, time stops.
Maybe it’s the alcohol. Or maybe it’s the years of missing you bottled up too tight. But he starts walking over before he can stop himself.
“Hey,” he says plainly, elbow hitting the bar. You turn towards him, eyebrows raised in curiosity.
He'll be different in his first impressions this time. More experienced and confident than the shy fool he was when he met you. He'd match this new version of you, too. Show you what you were missing out on.
There’s a confused smile on your face.
“Hi.” He looks at you more clearly, his vision impaired from leaving his glasses at home and the tequila shots in his system.
“You come here often?” He’s too out of his senses to stop himself from saying it. But he doesn’t regret it because you laugh. He does too.
“You say that to every girl, Park Sunghoon?”
His heart skips a beat. “You know my name?”
You roll your eyes, taking a sip of the cocktail that the bartender just handed you.
“Call me a fan,” you smile up at him, and he swears he could have melted right then and there. “Your face is everywhere.”
Sunghoon licks his lips, his mouth suddenly dry.
“I wish I could see more of yours,” he grins. “I think I’d skate ten times better if I saw you in the crowd.”
You scoff jokingly. “And here I thought winning was enough for you.”
It should be. It was supposed to be.
He promised himself he wouldn’t do this. That he’d leave you alone. He would let you go about your life, forget him, and be who you wanted to be. Who you should have been before he came to your life.
But here you are, impossibly close, and every part of him is begging not to let you go.
"You... you single?" he asks, trying to be casual. But his voice catches at the end. He wants to know. Needs to hear from your own lips if you actually chose Beomgyu in this life.
Relief washes over him when you shake your head.
"Wouldn't be talking to you if I was," you say with a teasing grin. Electricity shoots through him as he watches you. Too bright, too much. This short conversation, one he never planned on having, could never satisfy him. He could never get enough of you.
“Do you wanna get out of here?” he asks before he could stop himself, arm outstretched for you to take. Your face stiffens, and he almost thinks you’d say no until your fingers wrap around his arm.
“Where to?”
You barely make it past his front door before he has you up against it. His hands hold yours above your head, pinning your body against his. Sunghoon’s lips move against you ferociously, an unending battle between your tongues. You try to match his movements, but he is starved beyond belief.
You have no idea how badly he missed this.
Three years since he last heard you speak to him. Three years since he’s felt your lips. And the last time was when you asked him to pick up some stupid divorce papers from the kitchen counter. He needs this. Needs this more than breathing, more than eating, more than skating.
Sunghoon lifts you to wrap your legs around his middle. His hands find your bottom, giving a gentle squeeze that has you arching into him. He didn’t want to scare you, but he couldn’t will himself to stop. Your scent was too intoxicating for his mouth to ever leave yours.
You tap at his chest to push him away softly. With bruised lips, you whisper, “Can we go to your bed?”
He could almost moan just from the sound of you. His sweet, beautiful wife. Still so perfect for him.
His grip on your ass tightens as he maneuvers you through the studio apartment you once shared, laying you softly on the bed. Sunghoon wonders why you two just went at it like animals at the entrance way when the bed was only a few steps away back then. This time, he would savor it. Savor you.
He follows you down as he trails kisses on your neck. You crane it for him like you used to, giving him access to your most sensitive spots. His hands trail underneath your dress, teasing the hem of your panties. He looks up at you, silently asking for permission. All you could do was nod, opening your legs wide for him to continue. His dick twitches in his pants. You drive him insane.
Sunghoon peppers a few more kisses on your collarbone as his index finger prods carefully at your clothed pussy.
“Already soaked,” he whispers into your skin, pressing the pads of his fingers onto your underwear. Liquid courage still very much in his system.
He feels bold right now, eager to impress. He doesn't know who you've been with in this life, but he'll make you forget them all. Fuck you so good that you forget those experiences. Remind you that he's your husband for a reason. His fingers hook the side of your ruby red panties, gliding them down your plush thighs.
“I bet I’d go in so easily, huh?” his drunken voice slurs out. "So fucking wet."
When you nod again, he tsks. So silent, and for what? His fingers find your clit, ghosting over it. You arch to lean into his touch, but his hand retracts.
“Use your words, baby,” he says darkly. “Whatever you want, I can give it to you.”
You groan, eyes shut in frustration. “Can’t you just fuck me?”
He laughs. Always so uncharacteristically vulgar when horny. He loves it. He loves you.
“Can’t I get a taste first, baby?” he says, his face already inching downwards. He pulls your dress all the way off you, so that your breasts are finally exposed. Your satin red bra matched your panties like they were made to be seen tonight. He didn’t know why that fired him up so badly.
Would another man have you like this if he didn't make a move?
He dips his head between your thighs, latching his mouth onto your clit. You gasp at the suddenness, not knowing how much you’ve angered him just from your underwear choices. His tongue moves downwards, lapping at your folds like a man dying of thirst. His hands pinned your legs to open even wider, and you writhed underneath him.
“Please-” you beg, hands gripping his hair as his tongue plunges into your wetness. Sunghoon’s eyes roll to the back of his head at the sensation. He could never, ever forget this taste.
He pushes his tongue in and out as deeply as he can with his curled tongue, grinding against the mattress for any semblance of stimulation.
He would make love to you tonight. Until you remember who he was. Until you remember the life you built together.
His tongue does one agonizing lick all the way up to your clit, and your back arches just to feel him better. He’s sucking it harshly, tongue flicking at it in all the right ways.
“Sunghoon-” you cry out, your feet digging into the mattress to push your hips up to meet his ravenous lips. He pulls away and glares up at you. Your hips fall.
“Why’d you stop?” you whine, pushing his hair back down to your core. It takes everything in him not to laugh. He adores you like this. Desperate for him. Needy for him. Shaking in pleasure for whom? Him.
“Don’t call me that,” he whispers into your inner thigh, nipping at it slightly. He chuckles at your confused expression. “Hoon. If you’re gonna moan my name while I fuck you, I need you to say it properly.”
Your cheeks warmed. Heaving out a groan, you nod your head anyway.
“H-hoon,” you test out. “Can you please continue?”
He smiles mischievously. “With what?”
You huff out in frustration. “I swear if you don’t fucking make me cum right now I’m going to-”
And his lips smash down on yours to shut you up. His hands replace his tongue as his middle finger draws figure-8s on your clit. He pulls your slickness from your folds and up to that sweet spot, relishing in the indecent noises between your legs.
Your moans are muffled by his tongue, body twitching underneath his. You taste yourself, so sweet on his lips as he caresses the most inner parts of your mouth. So dirty and so wet. He knew every part of you. Knew what made you cry, knew what made you scream. And fuck, he will make you scream.
He pulls away from you to admire his ruthless pace on your clit.
You are clenching around nothing as your nails dig into his shoulders. He coaxes a gasp out of you as a coil in your stomach starts to form.
“Want me so fucking bad, don't you?” he teases, his other hand on the nape of your neck. Sunghoon tilts your head down to show you the mess you were making.
His sheets are stained with your arousal, and his fingers are drawing circles on your bundle of nerves with such fervor. You catch a glimpse of his painfully clothed member.
He was right. You wanted him so desperately, wanted to feel him inside you at that very moment. Your breath hitches. Fuck. You felt something building.
Your hips start to rise again, and it’s hard to formulate a sentence.
“Hoon! Oh my god– Fuck it’s– It’s–” You cry out as Sunghoon’s pace quickens, motivated by the sound of your moans. His other hand tries to anchor your thighs down. You feel it as you start to lose vision in your eyes. His thumb is rubbing so intensely that it draws a whine right out of you.
The coil inside of you snaps.
“Fuuuck…Ngh…”
A wave of pleasure washes over you, and you feel your juices coat your folds, dripping more than before.
You're squirming underneath him, thighs twitching from the stimulation. He slows his pace, drawing out your orgasm for as long as possible.
His cock was in pain, desperate for it to make contact with any part of you. In this life, one thing he developed over the past three years of watching you in the shadows was patience. And you had none.
“God, just put it in,” you groan so casually, resting your forearm to shield your eyes away from him. You were so fucked out. Hair splayed all over the pillow in messy waves. Lips bruised, your cherry gloss staining your chin and his cheek.
So eager to just have him take you. If he were a weaker man (maybe Beomgyu), he would have listened. But like he said earlier. He would savor this.
His fingers travel down to your folds, one dancing at your entrance to tease you. Sunghoon smirks as you whimper. He pushes a finger in and bites his lip at the feeling. He hasn’t felt you, or anyone for that matter, in ages. In these past three years, he couldn't bring himself to even talk to another woman who wasn't you. It didn't feel right.
All the lonely, and frankly sad, nights touching himself to thoughts of you. Fucking himself on his wrist as he remembers all the nights you’ve shared in your 13 years of marriage. He had plenty of material to work with, with all of your past escapades, but it was nothing like the real thing. Nothing like feeling you again.
“Sunghoon, stop teasing me-”
His finger stilled, and you thought about cursing him out. He pulls your forearm away from your eyes, forcing you to look into his.
“Want to try that again?” he says, threateningly slow. The darkness of his gaze was enough to have you pliant and doe-eyed.
“Hoon?” He smiles, kissing you on the forehead softly.
“Good girl.” And just like that, he dips another finger in, scissoring them into you with precision. You’re a mess underneath him, overstimulated beyond belief, but he honestly couldn’t give less of a fuck. He needed you to be ready for him. His heaviness was throbbing painfully just thinking about how you'd take him after all this time.
How long would it take you to adjust to his size?
Sunghoon’s fingers squelch with each thrust, finding the soft spot he was so familiar with. He’s obsessed, drinking in the sight of your eyelashes fluttering, your hands gripping at his shoulders like your life depended on it. You were so wrapped up in your own pleasure, fucking yourself onto his fingers. Grinding up at him without a care in the world.
“Look at you,” he laughs. “So needy.”
Sunghoon pulls his fingers out of you before he brings them to his lips. He hums, relishing the taste. He’d have to go down on you again later tonight. Taste you after his cock has had its fill.
You watch him in anticipation as he takes his pants off. You follow his lead as you unhook your bra, throwing it across his floor, sighing at the feeling of cool air hitting your nipples. Sunghoon pulls his throbbing member out of his briefs, pumping himself languidly.
Sunghoon's eyes meet yours for a second before they go back to your cunt. He's churning something in his mouth, and you almost ask him what he was doing until he positions his mouth just above your folds.
With sultry eyes directly gazing up at yours, Sunghoon lets his saliva drip down onto your pussy.
You throw your head back on the pillow from the sight. Fuck, that was hot. He moves back up to you, guiding his hand to spread his spit with the tip of his leaking cock.
His dick smears your joined liquid in an up-and-down motion, pushing in ever-so-slightly. You gasp and clutch his chest, nails digging in enough to get his attention. He stops.
“I’m not on birth control,” you mutter, like you’re scared to tell him.
“Should I stop?” he asks, even with his tip pulsing so desperately between your folds. You avoid eye contact, though he doesn’t know why.
“Look at me.” he growls.
Sunghoon tilts your chin to face him, and with glossy eyes, you shake your head. He smiles, and a tinge of sadness hits him. You look so soft underneath him, so fucking beautiful.
He’s spent three years stuck in this version of his life, crying over you to avoid this very moment. But he just wanted you so bad. Wanted to feel you at least once again. Then, he’ll let go, he swears. This will be the first and last.
“Use your w-”
You interrupt him with a kiss, wrapping your legs around him to push him deeper into you. He groans, collapsing onto his elbows. You dig your heels into his back as you pull him in deeper. Sunghoon's lips leave you to lay his forehead against yours. His breathing grows heavy, so lost in how your hole sucks him in.
“So fucking tight,” he groans, testing the waters with a small thrust after bottoming out. You squeak in response. “Fuck, baby.”
He wraps you in a tight hold, propping his knees underneath your thighs into a mating press. He fucks into you at an agonizing pace. It's so slow, you could feel every part of his rigid cock. His large size. His thick veins. The soft pulsing. It's so slow that you almost flip him over to ride him instead. But the desperation in his eyes stops you. His head buries deep in your hair, and you could hear the shakiness of his breath as he pulls out of you and plunges back in.
Sunghoon relishes the way you clench around him, your tight warmth pulling him deeper and deeper with each thrust. He drives himself into you with languid, but strong thrusts. He wants to engrave his place inside you so that you are ruined for anyone who might come after him. And again, he angers himself.
"You only this good for me?" he asks, searching your eyes for reassurance. But you aren't listening. You meet his thrusts, grinding yourself onto him. You want more. More of his touch. More of his length. Just more of him.
“Faster–” you whine, thighs pushing into his sides with each hard thrust. He was reaching the deepest part of you, your cervix kissing his tip ever so deliciously. Sunghoon doesn’t abide, so you take what he gives you.
"You this desperate for everyone, baby?" he whispers into your ear darkly. You shake your head, tears forming in your eyes.
"No..." you muster out. "Just you."
And even through all the tequila and the self-restraint not to jackhammer into you, he believes you.
His hands are on your tits now, catching them as they bounce with the strength of his slow thrusts. He twists a nipple between his fingers, coaxing a moan out of you. He tugs and pulls, and it's enough to have you moaning underneath him.
You feel that familiar fire build inside of you. An ember that burned in your lower stomach and traveled down to the very tip of your toes.
“Hoon! Please- Fuck- I need... I need-”
You couldn’t form full sentences. His thrusts were so harsh and still so painstakingly slow. His eyes never left your face. He basked in the way your brows furrowed for him. How your lips formed silent screams as he hit that certain spot within you. Again and again.
“Tell me what you want,” he whispers hoarsely, his lips so close to yours. “Tell me who you need.”
“You!” you cry out. "Only you!"
He smashes his lips against yours as he finally thrusts into you hard and fast. His hands on your breast travel down to your waist, locking you onto the mattress as he fuck into you.
You feel something pooling, feel the tingling of your toes intensify with his breath against your face. His moans are just as loud as yours, grunting in your hair like a beast.
“You feel so fucking good–” his hips piston forward, brushing against that spot with every movement. Your chest is pressed into his as you claw at his back. The sensation builds and builds as your stomach starts to tighten.
“Hoon- Oh my god- I’m-Angh!”
Your second orgasm rips through you, the tension within snapping like a chord. It's so much stronger than your first one. It hits you in waves as you weep through it, your hips grinding up to meet his unending thrusts. You were so sore, so sensitive, but his pace stayed so relentless.
“Close– So fucking close, baby–” he moans into your hair.
He clutches your hips, driving into you with reckless abandon. Even if you had no idea who he was, he would have your body remember him. Sunghoon, in this life, would be your best one-night stand. He swears on it.
He grunts as he feels you clench around him harder, his hips stuttering against yours.
“I’m gonna–” He tries to pull out, tries to push you away. Tries not to repeat the same mistakes. But your arms pull him downward as legs wrap sternly around his waist. You push him in deeper.
And he comes. Hard.
“Fuck-”
Sunghoon plants an open-mouthed kiss on your lips, drowning out his sweet noises as he feels his raw cock twitch deep inside. His hot cum spills deep inside you with thick spurts. Your lips parted at the warm feeling, and he could tell you enjoyed every bit of milking him dry.
Sunghoon pulls away from you with a soft groan. He watches as his cum spills out of you. He brings his finger to your folds, pushing his fluids into you.
As he meets your eyes, he’s shocked to see how concerned you look. Because unbeknownst to him, there were tears streaking down his face. And before he can fully sober up and stop himself, he says it.
"I love you."
You’re gone before he wakes up.
Sunghoon screams into his pillow, recalling his words like a bad nightmare. Stupid. So stupid. This was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be different.
That stranger, whoever he was, said this was his last chance. And what did he do? He threw away three years of silent pining just to chase you down on the very night the troubles in your relationship had begun.
Was he a fucking idiot?
You never even said goodbye, never even replied to his confession last night. Didn’t even leave a trace of what last night meant to you—if it meant anything at all. He must’ve looked insane.
Sunghoon grips the back of his neck, exhaling hard. You don’t know him. You aren’t the same girl from his past life. You're different now. Three years. That’s how long you’ve had to become someone else.
And him? He hasn’t changed at all. He’s still chasing ghosts. If it wasn't figure skating in his past life, it would be you in this one.
He sighs and sits up. Practice. He should go to practice.
two months later.
“Are you messing around, kid, or do you actually want to win this thing?!” Coach Jung shouts after Sunghoon falls on his ass for the umpteenth time. His palms sting from the fall, but he barely feels it.
The World Championships are in a week, and he hasn’t heard a single peep from you since you left his apartment. Hasn’t seen you on campus in his usual routes to watch you from afar. He knew he had reached a new level of patheticness when he actually went up to Beomgyu to ask how you were.
Turns out, you two weren't even as close as he thought you were. He smiled to himself after that, but frowned when he realized that it truly was as if you had disappeared.
“Sorry,” he huffs, out of breath from the demanding routine. “One more time?”
Coach Jung pinches the bridge of his nose. “How about ten more, you punk? Get your act together.”
Coach mutters something under his breath and storms off, leaving Sunghoon alone with the cold silence of the rink. He tries again. Falls again. He smacks his gloved hand against the ice, hard enough that the sharp sting shoots up his arm. He should’ve known. The moment he got a taste of you, he knew this would happen.
No matter when or how, he would always bother you. He would always lose himself. He would always manage to ruin everything.
“Are you living the life you wanted, Park Sunghoon?” a voice echoes behind him. He spins on his skates.
There he is again. The blonde prick. Somehow, he’s in his sneakers and standing still on the ice. His hands are smug in his coat pockets.
Sunghoon doesn’t take the time to question it until he’s skating at breakneck speed towards him.
He swings at him, but the stranger disappears into smoke.
“Or do you still have regrets?” the voice is behind him again. Sunghoon turns around to the stranger, giving him that annoying, shiteating grin.
“I want out,” Sunghoon says with a strained jaw. “Bring me back. To Sunghee. To Sungjae. To her. Now.”
The blonde laughs. “You haven’t even done what you set out to do yet. Wasn't this what you wanted?”
Sunghoon lets out a bitter sigh, chest tight.
“I get it, okay?" he says with wavering breaths. "I was selfish. I asked for too much. I get it now. So just... please. Please, send me back.”
The boy steps forward. His sneakers make no sound on the ice. Inches away from Sunghoon now, just a little taller than him.
“You don’t always get what you want in life,” the stranger says with that sick, twisted grin. It sends a rush of dread through Sunghoon's body.
“I thought you would have learned that by now.”
the world championships.
He’s in the locker room. His left leg is bouncing up and down, nail splitting as he gnaws at it incessantly. Only ten contestants ahead of him, but he has the time to panic. Just like he did before.
Coach Jung pats him on the shoulder. “Don’t think too much. You're gonna psych yourself out.”
Sunghoon shakes his head, unlocking his phone to check the time. The lockscreen, snow falling past a dark streetlight, holds his gaze longer than it should. He sighs.
“I'm not nervous,” Sunghoon replies, unconvincingly. “It's just cold.”
Coach Jung rolls his eyes.
“You're not new to this, kid,” he doubts the young man. “You're gonna do great out there. This is what you've been dreaming of. Just don't mess it up.”
And when Coach Jung shuts the door behind him, Sunghoon puts his hands to his face. And instead of self-affirmations, he is trembling. Barely breathing, he replays the memory again. Of him spinning you in his arms. Of your kind smile.
Sunghoon told himself not to expect you. In this lifetime, you'd only met once. Only fucked once. But he still thought... maybe the universe would be kind. Maybe you’d show up like you did back then.
“Can the remaining five acts please be on stand-by?” the overhead speaker blares into the locker room. That's him. He's one of the last five.
There’s no one to hold him back this time. No distractions. Just an aching in his chest.
Sunghoon's by the stands now. He watches with shaky hands as the crowd ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ at his competitors’ routines. He hates watching before his turn.
His eyes naturally fall on a seat in the stands. He blinks, rubbing his eyes to check if he was hallucinating.
Someone sits there. Not a stranger. Not this time. It's you. Your brows furrowed like you were forcing yourself not to enjoy his competitor’s performance. Wearing the same outfit. He huffs a laugh under his breath. What are you doing here?
As the routines passed one by one, he could not take his eyes off you. Even from afar, your eyes glisten so beautifully. The same eyes that once glowed, helping the kids with homework. The same eyes that looked at him across the table after long days and short tempers. His wife. The mother of his children. The version of life he gave up for this one.
Now, he would have to settle for this. Longing stares and a heartbeat he could hear in his ears.
“Next to skate, representing the People's Republic of Korea. Sunghoon Park!”
He steps onto the ice with a big smile on his face. He forces it out, forces himself to act fine when you cheer at the sound of his name. He takes his pose at the center of the ice.
The music begins. His edges wobble, nerves bleeding into the blade. He practiced day and night, no distractions. Not even you. So why… Why was this happening?
He takes in a deep breath as he prepares himself for the first spin. He’s skating backwards, building up momentum. He pushes off the ice. Toe pick hits.
Sunghoon rose high. He spots himself. One. Two. Three. Almost four– but his shoulders tilt, the axis too loose. The rotation slows. A half-second of weightlessness gives way to gravity, and he’s tumbling onto the ice hard.
Gasps echo through the arena, and then applause as he brushes himself back up and onto his skates again.
He gets up. He keeps going. Muscle memory takes over. The rest of the routine is clean. Almost perfect, but not enough.
The first quad... He fucked it up. He bows, head down, as if apologizing for even trying.
And when the score is announced while he's sitting on the sidelines, his body is limp. He barely reacts, face blank with emotion.
He could blame you for it. Pretend you were the reason why his routine didn't score high. But the truth is, he stopped believing in excuses a long time ago.
Years of hating himself led here. All this time, resenting the path he took, only to fuck this one up, too.
Sunghoon had to laugh. He deserves it. Of course he did. The low score. You leaving him. The heartache.
Everything he thought he was capable of, everything he pushed aside to have this moment. None of it mattered without you.
As he rises from his seat on the floor, he searches for you in the endless crowd of faces. The other competitors pass by him with pity; he sees it in everyone’s faces. But they don't matter.
Because you're gone. Your seat is empty.
"Kid-"
He pushes past Coach Jung without looking back. There's nothing left to say.
Sunghoon pulls his skates off skillfully, breaking into a sprint towards the exit. He runs with only socks separating him from the floor.
Then he sees you, clutching your stomach and moving toward the exit. His breath catches. Somehow, he knows. He's seen it all play out before.
“[Y/N], wait!”
You stop in your tracks, hands trembling. You turn around, and he is already clutching your face, kissing you so deeply. You would have every right to push him away, to call him a creep and spit every insult at him. But you don’t, and he doesn’t understand why.
Instead, you lean into his touch, fingers fisting the thin fabric of his blouse. He’s the first to pull away, forehead resting against yours.
“Why are you here?” he asks. It’s not the only question he has, but it’s the first that comes out. You’re crying now, eyes wide, mouth parted. But why?
“I was just…” You try, but you fail to find the right words. “I just came to support you?”
Sunghoon shakes his head. He doesn't buy it. Not for a second. Your voice faltered. He knew better now not to let things linger.
“You came to tell me something,” he says knowingly, replaying the scene of the past in his head as it happens right in front of him. He smiles sadly, wiping a stray tear from your cheek. “What is it?”
You flinch.
“I can’t,” you whisper, the first barrage of tears falling down your face. “It'll ruin you.”
He laughs then. Quiet. Tired. Even in this life, you were so selfless. He doesn’t deserve you. Never did.
“You always say that. Even now.”
He takes your hands into his.
“Are you pregnant?” he asks, taking the words right out of your lips. Your mouth opens in shock.
“How did you-?”
“We'll figure it out,” Sunghoon interrupts softly. He was smiling now. Sunghee was here. She was growing inside you. “Together.”
For a moment, something shifts. You search his face like you’re looking for confirmation. And just like that, you pull away. What? It stings.
This didn't happen before. Why were you-
“You went back," you say. "Didn’t you?” Your voice sounds foreign now, laced with hurt. It’s his turn to look confused.
“What do you mean?” he asks, hands reaching for yours again. You avoid them, and he feels a sharp pain in his chest. “What are you talking about?”
“You… You went back in time like I did, right?” Sunghoon’s eyes widened. “That’s how you knew.”
He freezes.
It clicks. Like cold water hitting his skin. He remembers the first time he saw you in this life. How carefully he avoided you. How he left the penguin plushie behind, just like before. How badly you’d looked at him after that. It all makes sense now.
“I didn’t want to avoid you,” he musters. “I had every intention of finding you again. I passed by that damn cafe every day just to see you-”
You shake your head, but he keeps going, vomiting out word after word.
“I even tried to talk to you, but you looked so happy. All I could think about was the last time we spoke. How you said you regretted us. Watching you with Beomgyu, or whatever his name is-"
“Sunghoon-”
“I was fucking miserable-” His voice cracks.
“Sunghoon-” You’ve never heard him talk this much. Never seen him look so broken.
“And I couldn’t even fight the guy who dragged me into this mess. I was stuck. Thinking about you. About us. About Sunghee. Sungjae. God, I missed you all so fucking much it hurt to breathe—”
“Sunghoon, please—”
“And I should’ve just caught that stupid penguin. I should've just relived our memories together. I should’ve been a better man, a better husband, a better father. But I just keep fucking it up. Every single time, even now-”
“Hoon!” you shout, grabbing his face with your hands. His words die off. He finally breathes. You don’t look angry, not at him at least.
“I know,” you say quietly. “Because I didn’t put my number on the penguin.”
His mouth parts slightly. "Wha-"
"I thought I was the one who messed it all up," you confess. “When you didn’t pick up the plush, I thought it was because of me. Because I tried to change things.”
You swallow back your tears as he listens to you intently, your hands sliding to his chest.
“I thought you’d be better off without me, too.”
You let out a bitter laugh.
“I tried to fill the space,” you continue. “Tried to pick up things I couldn't before. But all I think about was Sunghee and Sungjae."
Your eyes waver, lips pressed together tightly.
"And you," you breathe out. "I saw you skating, training so hard, and you looked happy. I couldn’t bring myself to take it away from you again.”
You pause, lips trembling.
“So I made a plan. I thought—if I could just get Sunghee back, maybe one day I’d find you again for Sungjae.”
You both let out a shaky laugh.
"So then I went to the bar," you sigh. "I wore that red dress and I just hoped you would find your way to me again-”
“Of course I would,” Sunghoon interrupts, kissing your temple. “I always do.”
“And it worked.” You look at the ground like you're ashamed. “The test was positive. I wasn’t planning on telling you.”
Sunghoon takes your hands, forcing you to look at him. His eyes assure you.
“And then you fell during your routine,” you whisper, a sad laugh slipping out. "I thought… I avoided you all this time for nothing.”
He laughs too. “I wasn’t even going to win anyway.”
Sunghoon pulls you back into a hug, stroking your hair ever-so-softly.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “For making you ever feel like I regretted choosing you.”
And you didn’t know you needed to hear those exact words until you sob into his chest.
Sunghoon soothes you. He’s had enough crying. All he is now is grateful. The pain, the mourning. It all led him here.
“This time we’ll do it right,” he assures you. “I love you. I’m not letting you do this alone.”
You pull away from him, eyes wet but smiling.
“I love you too.”
And you tilt your head as he reaches down to kiss you. With your eyes both closed, the world around you spins. Just you and him. In each other’s arms. His lips are soft against yours.
And a voice unfamiliar to both of you echoes in the air.
“I hope you can live a life without regrets.”
Sunghoon’s eyes open groggily, pain shooting through his spine almost immediately. All he sees are sterile hospital walls and Jay and Sunoo’s concerned faces.
They hover over the foot of his bed, their faces a mix of worry and irritation.
He blinks, scanning the room. Wires. A blood pressure cuff. An IV drip. Another bed. Then your eyes flutter open too.
“You know, with how the divorce is going, we thought you two crashed into each other on purpose,” Sunoo chirps, unempathetic to the dazed state of his friends. Jay smacks him on the shoulder.
“You’re lucky I managed to get you both a private room,” Jay mutters. “The nurses kept whispering about you two in the ICU.”
Sunghoon turns his head slowly, wincing. You’re awake now, alert, your expression matching his. His chest tightens. And almost in a panicked daze, his head snaps back to his friends.
“Sunghee and Sungjae–” he strains out, pain shooting through his lungs. “Where are they?”
Jay furrows his brows.
“They weren’t in the car with [Y/N], if that’s what you’re worried about,” he starts. “They’re looking for a vending machine with Heeseung and Jungwon-”
You both let out a shaky breath. For a second, relief replaces pain. Your eyes meet his for just a second before the door bursts open.
“Mom! Dad!” Sunghee's voice cries out. She’s running towards you two now, but Heeseung stops them.
“Whoa there, princess. They’re fragile.”
Her eyes are red, as if she had just finished crying. Sungjae's behind Heeseung, tugging at his jacket, worry etched across his little face.
“You didn’t do it on purpose, did you?” Sunghee blurts in your direction. Sunghoon has to bite the inside of his cheek to stifle a laugh. “They don’t have it on camera, but they said your car hit Daddy’s!”
He feels something warm bloom in his chest. It’s been a while since Sunghee sounded so protective of him.
You shake your head frantically. “No, darling. My brakes stopped working! I could never hurt your dad. He and I love each other very much-”
You stop yourself, but it's too late—cheeks already warming at the shifting gazes of the four grown men in the room. Jungwon fakes a cough.
“Love? As in, present tense?” he teases.
Sunghoon has the biggest grin on his face, and Sunoo scoffs as his eyes pivot between the two of you.
“Did you both hit your head in the accident?”
Heeseung clears his throat. “So, why don’t we take the kiddos to dinner, hm? Looks like Mom and Dad have some catching up to do.”
Sungjae nods excitedly. “Please! They're so icky.”
The adults usher the kids out, and Jay gives one last wink to the two of you before the doors close. The room falls quiet except for the not-so-steady beeping of the monitors. Sunghoon is the first to speak.
“So... when do you want me to pick up the papers again?”
You laugh softly.
“Oh! I guess if you want to go through with it…”
“No!” Sunghoon shouts, eyes huge. 'He’s so cute when he doesn’t mean to be,' you think to yourself.
You tilt your head, smiling. “Then don’t even think about getting them.”
Your bed is near enough for you to inch your hand towards his forearm. Your touch is featherlight against his skin. It takes all of his strength to intertwine your fingers with his.
“So what does this mean for us?” you say through bated breath. He ponders for a second.
“It means… maybe I can build you an art studio in our garage?” he says cautiously. “And maybe I quit my job? Become a figure skating coach? How does that sound?”
You let out a stronger laugh this time, one that aches in your ribs but still feels good. And in this version of you, older and wiser. He still thinks you’re so beautiful.
“I don’t resent you,” he whispers. And your heart skips a beat, in a way that it hadn’t in a long time. You smile at him. And finally, you find the courage to say it in this life too.
“I love you.”
He brings your fingers to his lips and plants gentle kisses on your knuckles.
In every lifetime, Sunghoon knows. He could be standing on the Olympic stage, the roar of thousands echoing in his ears. He could have everything he ever thought he wanted. But none of it would matter. Not if you weren’t there.
“I love you too," he replies, quietly.
And in every lifetime, he will always find his way back to you. And he will choose you. Over and over again.
epilogue.
Sungjae is on the garage floor, legs crisscrossed as he watches something on his iPad. Sunghoon is installing shelves for your future artist corner while Sungjae's video is strangely on mute.
“What you watching, son?” he asks, trying to distract himself from the tight pull in his lower back.
Sungjae doesn’t look up. “Your skating videos.”
Sunghoon nearly drops the shelf on his eye. “W-what?”
Sungjae shrugs.
“Looks interesting,” he mutters. “Wish I could fly like that.”
Sunghoon sets the shelf down carefully, then crosses the room to crouch beside Sungjaee. On the screen, a much younger version of himself soars across the ice. He remembers that routine. His first national win.
“Didn't think you'd be into it,” he ruffles his son’s hair.
Sungjae shrugs again, but pink tinges his cheeks.
“You never asked.”
The words hit him. He never really did. Not even with Sunghee.
“Do you want to try?” Sunghoon asks slowly. “Figure skating?”
Sungjae finally looks up, eyes wide. “Can I?”
Sunghoon feels tears well up in his eyes, and he coughs them away. What was up with him and crying these days?
“Of course, son,” he says, pulling him into a gentle side hug. “You'll be my first student.”
pairing: enemy knight!jay x princess!reader
synopsis: after many failed attempts at peace, war rages on between the kingdom of decelia and the fearsome matriarchal country cineres. when knight commander jay suddenly finds you, the heir to the cineres throne, alone on the battlefield, he seizes the opportunity to capture you. decelia now has a war prisoner worth an entire kingdom... if they can hang onto you long enough to pen a ransom.
genres, etc: mostly enemies to lovers (sillier than you except), kinda slow burn, medieval au, jungwon and sunghoon side characters, yn's family is random ocs, special guest ateez seonghwa as the king of decelia, 2nd person pov, 12.5k words.
warnings: excessive use of 'jongseong' and 'commander', YN is a really good at melee, blood, war, betrayal, mild captivity, violence (jay and reader have physical altercations, sexily), battle wounds, dueling with sexual tension, forgive my fighting descriptions, suggestive themes, nudity in the river, making out and touching a boob, MDNI (18+).
listen to: sugar - sleep token | dangerous - sleep token | blood sport - sleep token | i'll see you when the night comes - breakk.away
other: let it cook!!! this one is stylistically a little different than the knight!jake fic because I wanted to include dialogue. it's also way more work than i anticipated - part 2 will be out after i take a little break from this one.
masterlist
@s1rawb3rry
It didn’t make sense; no strategy ever called for you to be alone on a battlefield. You and your sister, Amalie both had three squads in your units; somehow, none of them were within your sights. You stood alone atop a small hill, overlooking the wreckage of a battle you hadn’t thought was over. That was your last thought, though, before the world went black.
You woke up in a large canvas tent, which was typical during times of war. The alarming part was that it wasn’t your canvas tent, and you knew that because the bed was in the wrong spot. It was far too close to the doorway. You’d never sleep that close to the entrance.
You sat up carefully, glancing around. You were alone inside, but people moved and crunched and walked around on the other side of the canvas. Your head throbbed, your shoulder ached, and you were unarmed. Your gaze landed on an open trunk on the other side of the tent; a crest glared back at you.
Decelia.
Your memory began coming back then, in little flashes and pulses. You, on the battlefield, clutching a glaive, separated, somehow, from your sisters. Your horse had fallen. You almost didn’t hear him walking up behind you. You were fast enough to spot the sigils painted on the back of his hands, but not fast enough to block the pommel when it struck your head from someone else, someone unseen.
Then you woke here. You reached for the back of your head, prodding gently at the tender spot; it was bruised, but not so sore anymore, which suggested that you had been laying here far longer than you would have liked to be. Carefully, you climbed to your feet, crept towards the tent flap. It fluttered slightly, coaxing you. You stopped just in front of it, listening.
The familiar sounds of a war camp; soldiers walking, weapons clattering, fires crackling. It wasn’t your war camp, though. The crest on the trunk told you that. You were, if you had to guess, a bit of a prisoner, but you could fix that. You had to. You reached out to pull back the tent flap, but stilled when you heard a very angry voice approaching.
“I told you not to put her in the tent loose,” the voice barked. You heard the clink of a heavy chain being dragged towards the tent. You smirked. Someone had underestimated you, and someone had not; you knew who the latter was before he flung the tent flap open.
He looked shocked for exactly one second before he schooled his face. You stood, scowling, less than a foot away. You knew this man; sharp eyes, jaw like a knife, a scar on his bottom lip. Dozens of council meetings and failed treaty advisories had forced you to become familiar with him. Anger flashed in his eyes, and you grinned.
“Knight Commander Jongseong,” you cooed.
He frowned at you. “Princess.”
You cocked your head to the side. “That’s not the honorific we use and you. Know. That.”
His eyes flashed again. “Your Grace,” he said, drawing out the words, mocking.
“That’s better,” You said, nodding. Then you punched him square in the face.
He shouted, angry. You used the surprise and your own momentum to slide past him and out of the tent. Then you were just running. You could hear the Commander shouting at others, orders to follow you, to not let you go. You sprinted, trying to make sense of your surroundings in the dusky light. War camp indeed, but it was completely different than your own. You racked your brain, trying to recall maps and letters. You pictured the war table in your mother’s tent, covered in parchment and inks. Someone had drawn up a map of the Decelia war camp; you had seen it. You just had to remember…
You skidded, stalling for just a moment to take a sharp right, towards the king’s tent. You wanted the stables - those should be past the king’s tent, and then north west, right next to the -
Someone collided with you from the right, sending you both careening towards a group of soldiers huddled around a small fire. You barely had time to twist, to throw yourself up and over the fire and avoid a burn. It would have been very impressive under another circumstance. The man who had slammed into you stopped across the fire, barely maintaining enough balance to not fall in. He righted himself, and your eyes met; you knew him, too. The Commander’s second; you didn’t remember his name right now, but you knew that face, the smirk, the cat-like prowl when he stepped forward.
You shifted your feet, watching. Just as he was about to lunge towards you, you scraped your boot along the ground and kicked up, throwing hot coals and ash into his face. He yelled as you turned and bolted again.
At this point, nearly the whole camp was engaged in the chase in some form or another; heads poked out of tents, some soldiers tried to swipe at you while others just watched. You could hear the Knight Commander; close, but not enough for you to worry about him. Not yet.
Another man stepped into your path suddenly, and you stopped abruptly, frowning. He was tall, long, with dark eyebrows and pale skin. You knew this one too; the other third of the Commander’s triumvirate. You had to know him - he was almost as dangerous as Jongseong himself. You stepped to the side, and he followed suit; you stepped again. He stepped, again and again, until you were circling each other.
“General Sunghoon,” you said, your lips twisting in a grin. “Just let me by, yeah? You don’t want to fight me.”
He stared at you, stony faced. “Jay will have blood if you escape; it won't be mine.”
Jay; their name for the Knight Commander, a name you didn’t find at all fitting for him. That wasn’t the name of a man you’d been at odds with for nearly five years. “He should have put the chains on me himself, then,” you taunted. “He knows better. You all do.”
He lunged at you, then, as though he would tackle you to the ground. You side-stepped, managing to get out of his way, and made to run off again. He was too fast, though, and he grabbed you, spun you around. You brought your knee up, right to his groin, hard. He grunted, but did not loosen his grip. You hissed through your teeth, took a deep breath. Then you slammed your head into his nose.
That did break his grip. He bellowed, clutching at his nose, and you were off again, sprinting towards the king’s tent. It was huge, made of thick canvas and flying all sorts of banners. You skirted around it, and the stables finally came into view. A grin spread across your face.
It appeared as thought the mounted patrols just so happened to be changing watch. A dozen men stood outside the stables, with a dozen saddled horses, just outside the corral. You ran up to a soldier at the back of the group, startling man and horse alike, to snatch the reins and hoist yourself into a saddle. A shout sounded behind you, and you glanced back to find Jongsoeng flying across the ground towards you. You wiggled your finger at him, and made to spur the horse on.
You expected the Commander to chase after you a little more; he was not the type to give up easily. You did not, however, expect him to fling himself up onto the corral fence, run towards you - with impossibly impressive balance - and launch himself at you. This was exactly what he did, though; his body collided with yours and you both flew from the back of the horse to crash onto the dusty ground.
You groaned in unison, and you immediately tried to scramble away, narrowly avoiding the horse’s hoof in the process. You managed to slide halfway out from under Jongseong before he locked his arms around you. You struggled on the ground for a moment as you tried to free yourself from him. Limbs tangled and knocked together as you tried to push him away and he tried to bring you closer. He gave a shout of frustration when your elbow connected with his face, hard.
He pinned you to the ground and glared; he had one of your arms trapped between his leg and your own body, the other in his hand. His right arm pressed against your neck. A bit of blood trickled from between his lips; he spat a mouthful to the side. A bit spattered in your face, but you didn't flinch. You just stared at each other, out of breath and equally disgruntled. Undaunted, you grinned at him.
“You want me badly, don’t you, Commander?”
He rolled his eyes so thoroughly that you thought they might not return to their original position. “Are you going to allow me to take you back to your tent?”
The grin stayed, but your eyes hardened. “Maybe if you beg me.”
He must have taken that as a ‘no’, because he sighed, the sound dramatic and long-suffering. “My apologies, then, Your Grace.”
He was so fast. You barely had time to fight against him as he flipped your positions around; your back pressed against his chest as he circled your neck with his arm. His legs locked around your middle so you couldn’t move, and you suddenly realized that he was going to knock you unconscious. You pulled at his arm, but already knew you had lost this time. You were tired, disoriented; you likely had a concussion from the battlefield and you spent all your energy running away.
You could feel the rhythm of his heavy breathing against your back as you lost your own, your vision blurring. Weakly, you reached back to slap him lightly across the face - it was less than a slap, though, and more like you were just wiping your sweaty palm on his cheek. As your vision went black, you swear he laughed.
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
Jay carried you back across the war camp slung over his shoulder. You had created quite a spectacle; nearly the whole army watched as he made the trek back to what Jungwon had deemed the ‘dungeon tent’. The soldiers were curious, some watching with an odd, amused gleam in their eye, but they stayed silent. They knew better than to make any sort of comment in front of him.
Jungwon and Sunghoon met up with him as he came upon the tent. He pushed through the flap and laid you gently on the bed.
“She’s not made of glass,” Sunghoon muttered, looking disconsolate. Blood was still trickling from his nose, courtesy of your headbutt.
Jungwon snorted. His tunic was scorched in a few places from the coals, and there was a small burn mark under his right eye. “We should revisit the cage idea.”
Jay turned to them, crossing his arms, a frown on his face. “We’re not putting her in a cage. She might be the incarnation of all our nightmares combined, but she’s still a princess.”
“Fine, fine. You’re in charge,” Jungwon muttered. He made his way over to the chain, which lay in a haphazard coil in the doorway where Jay had dropped it earlier. He gathered it up, clinked his way over to the bed.
“This is shameful,” Sunghoon said, shaking his head. “She’s cursed. How else did she nearly escape us the moment she woke up?”
“This is why I told you not to leave her in here loose,” Jay muttered again. He pulled the manacle end of the chain out of Jungwon’s hand and clasped it around your left wrist. He moved slowly, carefully, as though he was afraid you’d wake up.
He was a little afraid you would wake up.
Jungwon was looking around the tent, curious. “What are we going to chain her to? Certainly not the tent pole; she’ll just knock it down.”
Jay looked at you, mulling the question over in his head. He could almost hear your laugh, see a smirk cutting across your face. He chewed on his lip, thinking. “Have a few men bring me a boulder. A very large one.”
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When you woke up, the tent was dark, save for a single lantern sitting on a table in the middle. You sat up, groaning. Your head still hurt, your legs were stiff, and your side ached from falling off the horse. On top of all that, you were still here.
You lifted your hand to rub your head, but it felt too heavy, and you clinked when you moved. You looked at your wrist and laughed into the shadows. Manacled. You followed the chain with your eyes; it snaked across the tent, ended at a large boulder. Amused, you slipped off the bed to investigate.
One chain had been carefully weaved across the entire surface area of the boulder; it looked like someone had welded the ends together so it wouldn’t fall off. The chain connected to you was attached to the boulder chain with a padlock. You imagined that was so they could unhook you from the boulder if they needed to. You tugged on the boulder chain; it was weaved so tightly that it barely moved.The padlock had three keyholes. The boulder was too heavy for you to move on your own.
You were stuck.
Luckily the length of the chain allowed for you to move about the tent freely. You wandered towards the back; there was a wash basin, a pitcher of water, a cup. You poured yourself a glass of water, drank it in one go. It tasted sweet, and you wondered how long it had been since you'd actually had a drink. The other things inside the tent included a chair, next to the table, and the trunk with the crest. You opened it; it was empty. With nothing to do, you plopped down into the chair, elbows on the table.
Embarrassing. Utterly, irrevocably embarrassing that you had been captured. You were the eldest daughter of Zennia, the heir to the Cineres throne. You had been trained since you could walk to fight, to survive, to lead. You were not helping yourself with this mental pep talk.
You laid your head down on the table and sighed heavily. It didn’t make any sense - how had they separated you from your sister? There were six of you in total; you always went to battle in pairs to avoid situations like this. One moment, you had been fighting gloriously with Amalie, and the next, your sister was gone and you were surrounded by cavalry, accosted by a warrior on a large black horse. A warrior with a crest you knew all too well.
You heard the sound of the tent flap opening and you lifted your head. As though you had summoned him with your memories, Jongseong walked in. He had a plate in his hand.
“Dinner, Your Grace,” he said simply, putting the plate down on the table in front of you. He stepped away, but did not leave.
You looked down at the plate; half a roast chicken, seasoned potatoes, some greens. You were starving, but you didn’t touch the food yet. Instead, you looked back up at him. “Do you have my sister, too? Amalie?”
The Commander shook his head. “Just you. She was gone by the time I reached you.”
“Gone, how? You killed her?”
“What? No,” he raised an eyebrow. “Your sister wasn’t there at all.”
“Apparently,” you said bitterly. “But why the hell not?” You whispered the last part to your potatoes, and then you finally started eating. The food was cold, but seasoned well. You ate in silence for a few moments. Jongseong did not leave. You watched him, chewing a bite of chicken. He returned your stare.
“So what now, Commander?” You asked, folding your hands on the table. “Am I just here so you can watch me eat chicken?”
He blinked at you, expressionless. “The king is writing a letter to your mother as we speak. He hopes to use your release as part of a bid for peace.”
You laughed. “My mother isn’t exactly the maternal type.”
“Perhaps not… but historically, rulers want their heirs to live,” he said dryly.
You glared at him. “Decelia had their chance for peace years ago. The king didn’t take it then, and now he wants to use my life to-”
“You were in those treaty meetings, too,” he cut you off. “Don’t act like you weren’t. Don’t pretend your mother wasn’t brushing aside every compromise, every idea, every offer we laid on the table. King Seonghwa was trying.”
“Trying to take a third of our land,” you muttered.
“Trying to receive recompense for the death of his brother,” Jongseong spat at you. “Who was killed by your sister’s hand, might I remind you.”
That had been the start of this; Amalie had a bad attitude and a worse temper. An argument turned into a duel turned into a real fight, and suddenly she had the blood of a prince on her hands, figuratively. You had the blood on your hands literally; you had felt his pulse flutter and fade. You had watched him die after your sister left the courtyard.
That had been five years ago. You had spent the following two years in council meetings with your mother, traveling back and forth between home and Decelia to try and prevent King Seonghwa from declaring war. Amalie was never allowed to attend.
Your mother was shrewd, but she was also prideful, which made it impossible to reach any kind of peace. Nothing she said or suggested was enough to ease the grief Amalie had caused. You knew, though, that deep down, she was not really sorry about the murder. Part of you wondered if she had not wanted this war to happen; lust for battle never truly left the daughters of the Cineres.
It was never your place to disagree with her; your job was to be loyal, to present a united front, and to intimidate. So you did exactly that while you watched the queen refuse any and all negotiations, and the King of Decelia grew more and more frustrated.
You looked at the Knight Commander with your jaw clenched. You had many a conversation like this with him over the course of those two years, sometimes over a council table, sometimes as you were both walking swiftly down a corridor. He looked at you now the same way he had then; with anger, with a challenge. You sucked on a tooth, clicked your tongue.
“Go away, Jongseong,” you said, waving your hand at him dismissively. “I’ve no wish to have the same argument with you yet again.”
“Because you know you’ll lose, Your Grace?” He asked, his lips twitching.
Anger flashed, hot in your chest. He always did that: taunted you, challenged you. Sometimes you wondered if he knew that you didn’t agree with your mother, that you wished the situation had been handled differently. That would imply, though, that he had some knowledge of your thoughts and feelings, which wasn’t a possibility. Even on your best days, the two of you were adversaries, and on your worst days you were -
Well, you were his prisoner.
“I will choke you with your own chain,” you threatened, raising your left hand to jangle at him.
He only smirked, a small snicker escaping as he said, “Promise?” Then he was gone, stepping backwards through the tent flap.
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“Jay?”
He looked up from the papers on his table. Jungwon was standing there with his head poking into the tent. He looked half annoyed, half like he was going to laugh. “She’s doing it again.”
With a heavy sigh, Jay got up from his chair and left the tent, canvas flapping dramatically behind him. It had been a day and a half since he chained you into your tent. It took you less than six hours to find ways to make everybody’s life harder.
The chain was long enough that you could walk about a yard outside of the tent, which was delightful for you, because inside the tent was boring. You dragged your chair outside and sat in the doorway; that was quite literally all you did, but it was enough to make the soldiers uneasy. Despite the fact that there were two guards posted at your door at all times, you were visited by Jay or one of his generals about once an hour that first day.
And as Jay walked up to your tent the next day, he saw you were hellbent on doing it again. You were in the chair, legs crossed, one arm thrown over the back of it, far too casually. You were pointing at something, and talking to the guards, who looked like they were trying their best to ignore you. It amazed him that, despite the chain, despite your dusty clothes, despite the entire situation, you still sat in that chair like you were holding court.
You turned to look at Jay just as he fell within ear shot; you waved enthusiastically, as though you were greeting an old friend.
“What are you doing, Your Grace?” he asked.
You blinked at him innocently. “I’m people watching.”
His eyes flicked to the guards, then back to you. “You’re bothering my men.”
“They’re just standing here.”
“They’re guards. They’re guarding,” Jay said, narrowing his eyes at you. “Don’t be obtuse.”
The corner of your mouth lifted. “Rude. I’m actually quite acute, if I do say so myself.”
Jay closed his eyes, took a deep breath. He had forgotten how utterly impossible it was to talk to you; you were never serious, unless you were angry. You had the brain of a scholar and the tongue of a jester, and Jay did not have the patience to play your games. When he opened his eyes again, the look on your face suggested that you knew that. So he walked towards you, grabbed the chair, and unceremoniously dumped you onto the ground. He carried the chair away.
When he came back a few hours later, you were still outside, stretched out on the ground, resting on your elbows. Sunghoon was there, too, glowering at you.
“What now?” Jay asked, stopping to stand next to Sunghoon.
“She’s heckling people as they walk by,” he said, pointing an accusatory finger at you. Jay raised an eyebrow.
“Quite frankly,” you said, without looking directly at them. “I’m bored. Typically, royal guests are offered much better entertainment than this. You’re a bad host, Jongseong.”
“Maybe Jungwon was right about the cage,” Jay said to Sunghoon. You snapped your fingers dramatically.
“General Jungwon! I’d forgotten his name,” you said, finally looking up at him. “Thank you, Commander. Now I can heckle him properly next time he walks by.”
Jay and Sunghoon both glowered down at you, but you turned your gaze away again, looking out at the camp. Jay was truly at a loss. It hadn’t been a full two days, and you were already putting every guard he posted on edge with just your presence. He didn’t know what you were doing or saying to make them so uneasy, but whatever you were doing was working too well. The guards there now stood as far from you as they could without looking as though they were leaving their post.
“The greatest warrior of Cineres,” Sunghoon mused, rubbing his chin. “And the greatest pain in the Knight Commander’s ass.”
You cut your eyes at him, looking devilish. “A shame I didn’t break your nose, General. Shall I try again?”
Before Sunghoon could retort, Jay stepped between you. “What do you want?” he asked, looking down at you.
“Ask the king if he’ll see me.”
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The king granted your request, and invited you to dine with him, so that night you followed Jongseong across the camp. He coiled up the chain and led you around by the arm, making you feel a bit like a dog. You kept your head up, though, and when you entered the king’s tent you grinned bashfully as you attempted a curtsy.
“Your Majesty,” you said, miming lifting your skirts. “I hope you’ll excuse my excessive jewelry.”
King Seonghwa watched you with a smile that suggested he found the situation hilarious. You hadn't seen him for some time, but he was just as regal as you remembered. There was an intensity about him that filled the room. It was not threatening, but neither was it welcoming. It just was, and you liked that about him. He gestured towards your wrist. “Take that off her for now, Jay.”
You found it curious that even the king referred to him like this; Jay did not sound like a man who took princesses captive and chained them to rocks.
He looked hesitant. You smiled innocently. “I’m not going to hurt him. I like him.”
The Commander looked at you as though you had just dripped something sludgy on his boots, but he unlocked the manacle around your wrist nonetheless.
“You may stay, Commander,” the king said as he took a seat at the table. “Otherwise you’ll lurk outside, nervous and sweaty, for the next hour.”
You snorted, and although Jongseong tried not to look abashed, you spotted the blush that flared on his neck. He took up a post by the door, hands behind his back. You slipped into the chair across from Seonghwa; the table was set with a modest dinner spread. The most extravagant thing on the table was a pitcher of iced wine. You picked it up, poured a glass for the king, then a glass for yourself.
He raised his glass towards you, took a small sip. “I sent a letter to your mother via courier. He left yesterday. I outlined my ideal terms for your release, the most important being, obviously, the end of this war.”
You sighed into your wine. “Your positivity and hopefulness in my mother continue to astound me. What happens when she refuses your conditions? Are you going to kill me?”
Seonghwa’s eyes glittered at you from across the table. “I am willing to negotiate with the queen. She knows that; whether she will compromise for your life or not… I suppose we will see.”
“You know I hate these unpredictable games,” you said, watching him carefully. “I only play when I know the outcome.”
Neither of you had to point out the insinuation there - that you did not know how much your mother would relent in exchange for you. Would she give up a sliver of her pride to save your life?
“My other offer still stands,” Seonghwa said. He said it casually, without looking at you, as he began to eat. You stilled, however, fork in the air.
His other offer was one of marriage; he had suggested it to you in private several years ago, when negotiations with your mother were going badly. You had turned him down in the name of loyalty to your country, despite the fact that he had some very good points regarding the benefits of such a match. You had never mentioned this to anyone else, though.
“And I still refuse,” you replied. “But thank you.”
“Tell me why, this time.” He looked up at you, eyes curious. “The real reason; don’t repeat your spiel about family honor.”
“The women in my family don’t marry for political reasons,” you said, poking food around on your plate. “We don’t need them. And how dull is that?”
The king laughed, not unkindly. He did not seem at all surprised that you had refused him again; in fact this appeared to be exactly what he expected of you. “What do women in your family marry for, then?”
You shrugged. Your mother was the only married one, and you had not seen your father in years. “Strength, I suppose. Healthy bloodlines… passion, perhaps.” A little smirk formed on your mouth at this last idea. You took a bite of your food; it was hot this time.
“Passion is oddly sentimental of you,” Seonghwa mused. “A bit… hot, wouldn’t you say? For a family so cold-blooded as yours.”
“Certainly not. Passion is what started this war in the first place,” you said, picking up your wine glass only to stare into it. Memories of discussions with your mother rose in your mind: spiteful, cold-hearted reasonings to deny King Seonghwa the solace he was seeking. “For example, the queen was quite passionate about treating you badly; she so loves to hate people, and of course our country has never done any wrong in her eyes.”
The king studied you for a moment, a small, thoughtful smile on his lips. You sipped your wine, slightly uncomfortable; it felt like he was reading you.
“This is why I like you,” he said after a moment. “You jest, but it’s very clear you disagree with how your family is handling this war; you are the only one bothered by the ruthlessness. You are the only one with a modicum of empathy. Take that as a compliment.”
You stilled with your wine glass on your lips. Empathy was like a swear word in your family; there was no point in caring about other people, especially if there was nothing to gain. Caring about others made you weak, distracted, unable to fight properly. An empathetic warrior was a useless one. And yet, the king was right. You saw the flaws in your mother’s reign, in her temperament, in the way she raised you and your sisters.
“Ruthlessness is its own kind of mercy, or so I’ve been made to believe,” you said. You glanced towards the door; the Commander was watching you intently., You weren’t sure why, but the turn of the conversation made you feel vulnerable. With a sigh, you looked back at the king. “I’m truly sorry about your brother. The prince did not deserve such a fate, and you do not deserve this war.”
Seonghwa folded his hands on the table, looking thoughtful. “You are the first person from Cineres to offer me an apology. Thank you.”
The sincerity in his voice made you feel itchy. “Since you like me so much, you won’t kill me, right?”
“Unfortunately, I can not take that idea off the table completely,” he said, a shadow crossing over his face. “Not until we see what your mother says.”
You understood, but you still felt a bit of hope dashed inside your chest.
The rest of dinner passed amicably; you forgot how likable the king was. He was thoughtful and serious, but knew how to tell a good joke. He requested that the Knight Commander return the chair to your tent, which led to you promising to not heckle the soldiers anymore. You crossed your fingers behind your back, though, where Jongseong could see. You didn’t have to turn around to know he was glaring at you.
The night was cool when you left the king’s tent. You walked next to the Commander, a small stack of books in your arm; an offering from the king to ease your boredom. You scanned them, excited.
“It’s almost as though I’m on a vacation,” you said to no one in particular as you skimmed the book at the top of the stack. “I haven’t had time to read a book in ages, what with all the war.”
“It’s nice to see that you can have a normal conversation, Your Grace,” Jongseong said. His tone was too sarcastic for you to ignore. You cut your eyes to him slowly, in disbelief, blinking at him a few times.
“Oh, shut up,” you spat. “You aren’t allowed to be rude to me anymore.”
He rolled his eyes as you walked inside your own tent. “Now you want to play the princess?’
“No, no,” you said, dumping the stack of books on your bed. You put your hands on your hips as you watched him reattach the chain to the boulder. “You aren’t allowed to be rude because you’ve imprisoned me. Lucky for you it is me, though; I’m the prettiest.”
He turned to look at you, eyes moving up and down. Almost too seriously; you nearly felt the need to cover yourself despite the fact that you were wearing clothes.
“You’re also the most annoying,” he said before striding from the tent. You couldn’t help but laugh.
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The books helped mitigate your boredom. You still dragged the chair outside, but no longer were you heckling or taunting passing soldiers - you just didn’t want to sit inside the tent and breathe your own air all day. The Commander still dropped by, but the frequency began to lessen as he seemed to realize that you truly were just sitting outside and reading. Of course, you always had a smart comment for him - you couldn’t make his life that easy.
There was a certain level of… nonchalance that you liked to maintain at all times. For the next few days you were doing quite well - until you weren’t. Your clothes were dirty, your hair stringy. Living in a war camp meant total cleanliness was impossible, especially when you spent all day chained to a large rock. However, you knew that if you didn’t bathe soon, you were going to go mad.
As usual, breakfast arrived in the hands of one of Jongseong’s generals. Today, it was Jungwon. He sauntered in with a bowl, left it on the table for you. When he turned to find you staring at him, he raised an eyebrow. You didn’t usually pay him much mind in the morning.
“I want a bath,” you said, trying not to sound like you wanted it that badly.
Jungwon crossed his arms. “Only the king has a tub.”
You blinked at him. “Where do the rest of you wash?”
“The river,” he said, gesturing vaguely in a direction like it would mean something to you. His eyes glittered at you.
“Take me to the river, then,” you said slowly. He laughed outright at that.
“I’ll have to get Jay’s approval.”
“You better get going, then,” you insisted, shooing him from the tent.
Jungwon returned as you finished breakfast, with the Commander and Sunghoon in tow; the latter was holding a small sack. Jongseong looked as though you had personally ruined his morning.You smiled pleasantly. “Good morning, Commander.”
“I go with you,” he said, striding over to the boulder to separate the chains. “You leave the chain on, you wash. You don’t try to swim anywhere.”
He looked so serious about it, as though he was genuinely convinced this was a ploy; you had to stifle a laugh. It was incredible to you how little trust he had. His gaze hardened slightly, and you raised your hands in surrender, chain jangling from your left wrist. “I accept your terms, Knight Commander.” You stood from your chair and imitated their salute. Jungwon snorted.
Despite his protests, Sunghoon accompanied the two of you down to the river, little sack in hand. The walk there was silent, and you let it be; as much fun as you had antagonizing them, you didn’t want Jongseong to change his mind before you had a chance to wash.
He led you down the river, far enough that the war camp was just out of sight, which was appreciated. It would be harder for anyone to see you this far away. The sandy bank sloped gently into a shallow part of the river. The water moved slowly, lazy, as though it knew it was to be used for your bath. Pleased, you perched on a rock, began to unlace your boots. The sand was morning-cool, not yet warmed by the sun. It felt nice under your feet.
Sunghoon handed you the little sack, which held a bar of soap and a clean linen towel. You brought the soap up to your nose; it smelled vaguely familiar, but not unpleasant. You nodded your approval, set it at the edge of the water.
Your problem didn’t present itself until you were standing in the sand in just your tunic, trying to puzzle out how to get it off with the chain still on your arm.
You could slip the tunic off and slide it down your arm and onto the chain, but then it would be dragged through sand and water; seeing as it was your only one, you weren’t too keen on that. You glanced at the men; they were standing with their backs to you, talking. The chain was coiled around Sunghoon’s arm, as Jongseong was using both hands to… explain something? You weren’t sure what they were doing. You didn’t really care.
“Jongseong,” you called sweetly. “Oh, Commander! I can’t undress with the chain on.” He glanced back at you, obviously skeptical, but he turned all the way around when you held out your arm towards him. He crossed over to you, glanced at the chain and then down the river.
“If I take this off, you’ll run.”
“Run?!” You laughed, incredulous. “I’ll run down the river, pantless?! Please. I have some decorum. You can put it right back on when I’ve got the tunic off. Watch me if you must - not you!” You pointed threateningly at Sunghoon, who had glanced back. He looked away quickly.
The Commander studied you for a moment, and then dug out the key to your manacle; he had taken to wearing it around his neck, hidden away under his own tunic. You held out your arm, and he removed the manacle with a soft click. He met your eyes, gave you a small nod. You pulled your tunic over your head, momentarily breaking eye contact as the linen blocked your view. He was still looking into your eyes when you pulled your head free, as though his gaze had not moved, as though he had always been looking you in the eyes.
The breeze from the river sighed across your bare skin; you blinked at the Commander. It seemed to occur to both of you in the same instant that you were now fully naked. He was quite close to you - if he breathed hard enough, you might feel it on your face. His eyebrow twitched. His fingers slipped across your wrist, pulling it closer to him. He did not look away from your face as replaced the manacle. Wordless, he turned around and walked back over to Sunghoon.
A little huff of air escaped your lips, and you shook your head like you were coming out of a stupor. Odd.
The water was cool to the touch, enough to make your skin prickle and pucker. You waded in quickly, water up to your hips, and dipped down, dunking your head under. For a moment, you slipped into a quiet space, alone for the first time in almost a week. You let out a breath, slowly, the air bubbling out and up, away from you.
And then the current was tugging softly on the chain, and you let your head float back to the surface. You popped out of the water sputtering and giggling. You already felt like a new person. You set to work with the soap, washing slowly, no desire to rush yourself out of the water. This was, after all, the most exciting thing that would likely happen to you until the king received word from Cineres. At some point as you washed, the men had taken a seat on a rock; your clothes had been moved farther away from the water and now sat in a neat pile by Jongseong’s feet. You stared for a moment, wondering how that had happened without you seeing.
Then another idea occurred to you, just slightly diabolical. The other end of your chain was still wrapped around Sunghoon’s arm, as though he thought he’d lose it. You pulled slowly, so as not to draw attention, pausing every so often. You watched, pulled, paused, pulled, until the chain was almost taut behind him. With as much purchase as you could find on the river bed, you gave one good heave.
With a startled cry, Sunghoon slipped backwards off the rock and plopped straight into the river. It wasn’t too deep there by the rock, but enough to reach his shoulders, sitting on the river bed as he was now. You sank down to your chin, trying to hide a smirk in the water. There was a moment of shocked silence before Sunghoon exploded from the river, spitting mad. He was speaking so quickly that you couldn’t catch everything he was saying, but it seemed as though he was trying to curse your existence. He unwound the chain and shoved it at the Commander, raving.
Jongseong was very obviously trying not to laugh; he looked like a secret was trying to escape his lips. Impressively, he managed to hold on to it until Sunghoon stormed off, dripping and angry. Then he laughed, a real, bright laugh that opened his face up to you. The typical intensity of his gaze melted away, replaced with a crooked grin and a crinkle around his eyes. You saw him, suddenly; that was not Knight Commander Jongseong laughing on the river bank in front of you. That was another man, a stranger with an easy smile and a laugh that trickled into your ears like honey. That was Jay.
He stopped laughing, sat back down on the rock facing you. A smirk still tiptoed around his lips, but he schooled his features enough to look like a slightly disgruntled cat. “Why did you do that?”
You shrugged, your bare shoulders rising up out of the water. “He just looks so stoic all the time. I thought it would be funny, and I was correct.”
He rubbed a hand over his mouth as though he could wipe the amusement away. “Some decorum indeed,” he muttered. You laughed wickedly. “Are you quite finished, Your Grace? I do have other work to do.”
“So busy, Knight Commander,” you said with a roll of your eyes. You motioned with your finger for him to turn around; once his back was to you again, you waded out of the water and began to dry off as best you could. The towel was small, but it did enough.
“Don’t look,” you said, stepping towards Jongseong. He stilled as you slid your left arm over his shoulder, wrist held out for him. “I won’t try to run.”
He pulled out his key, undid the cuff. It fell into his lap, but his fingers stayed, holding you there. He pulled, gently, bringing you closer. He turned his head to the side, enough for him to look up at your face through his lashes, eyes narrowed. “Why?”
Your arm was touching his neck; he was hot against your river cool skin. Your hair dripped onto his tunic, and something dark shifted in your chest. “Why what?” you said, unsure why you were whispering.
“Why haven’t you tried to run again?”
You didn’t answer right away. You watched his jaw flutter, clench, and fought the urge to press your fingers right there over the muscle. You didn’t have an answer, you realized; perhaps because you didn’t feel the need? Did you truly trust the king that much? Aside from that first day, the thought of escaping had not truly crossed your mind. You thought of your own army, your mother, your sisters; the cacophony, the rage, the self righteousness. You did not miss them, and you did not like that thought.
“I don’t know,” you admitted, the words slipping softly from your lips. You leaned forward, your other hand coming up to pry gently at the fingers still wrapped around your wrist. “Let me go, Jay.”
The name slipped out, unbidden, but it seemed to snap both of you back into your bodies. He let go, dropping his hand and turning away. You stepped back to pull your tunic on. The clothes weren’t the cleanest, but at least you didn’t feel crusted with war gunk anymore.
“I’m decent,” you called as you pulled your boots back on. “Relatively.” Dressed, you went to offer your wrist to Jongseong, but he had coiled the chain and slung it around his shoulder. He shook his head. You suppressed a smile, and turned away to start heading back to camp.
The walk was quiet, just your footsteps and the increasing sounds of the camp. The soap bag dangled loosely in your fingers, a breeze pulled gently at your untucked tunic, and the Knight Commander’s name tasted different in your mouth.
You thought there had been tension between you before; when you met several years ago, you were already rivals, on opposite sides of a council table. War made him your enemy out right; the day he caught you was not the first encounter you’d had with each other on the battlefield. You had fought him several times, in truth, and spent more than one night agonizing over the fact that you were quite well-matched.
Now, though, you weren’t at all sure that’s where the tension had been; you knew how to act in a council room. You knew how to respond when you clashed in battle, metal ringing, ragged breathing, the grit of his teeth in your line of sight. There was no tension, just… something fluid, energetic, moving between the two of you when you had an argument or crossed your blades.
There was tension now, in the soft way he walked next to you without looking, in the way his nickname had slipped from your lips.
When you returned to your tent, he put the chain back on in silence as you sat on the bed. You were starting to feel pressed upon, like his presence was suddenly too big.
“The soap,” he said, standing in front of you. He held out his hand, gesturing for the little bag that was still in your grip. “It’s mine.”
Of course it was. And of course it had smelled familiar to you. In that moment, you almost felt grateful towards him, and you were infuriated.
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Jay felt haunted, and it was driving him mad. Embarrassing, utterly shameful, the way he was plagued by you: the suggestion of you, the idea of the impression of your unclothed body in the air, the memory of his name in your mouth. His real name, the name he liked, the name he associated with the person that he was on the inside. Not the name of the man he usually presented to you. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt that you had seen him today, in something so small as a laugh.
And he had not been able to so much as glance at you.
Of course he couldn’t have; he wasn’t indecent. The implication though, that you had seen something of himself, itched at him. The two of you had always stood on fairly even ground; the balance was off, now. Jay felt as though he were exposed, like you had somehow peeled away a layer of his skin to reveal newer skin, more sensitive… easily scratched.
He carried this around for the remainder of the week, this sensitivity, this feeling of over exposure. He found himself avoiding you when possible, sending others to check that all was well inside your tent. No one said anything to him about it; of course they wouldn’t. No one ever really questioned him on anything… except you.
Jay was sorting through reports one morning when Jungwon walked into his tent. He held up a hand, signaling him to wait until he had finished reading, then tossed the paper onto his table.
“Any word?” Jungwon asked, peering at the table. Jay shook his head; it had been almost two weeks since the king sent his letter to the Cineres war camp. He knew that sometimes, these things took much deliberating, but… the camp was two, maybe three days’ ride from here. The queen was taking too long to answer, especially since they were expecting her to deny the first offer.
“She’s getting restless again,” Jungwon reported. Jay didn’t have to ask who he was talking about. “Started doing push ups, slapping the chain around. She threw her boot at my head. And a plate. I think she tried to bite Sunghoon last night, but he wouldn’t explain anything to me.”
Jay rubbed the bridge of his nose. “It’s like trying to domesticate a wolf,” he said under his breath.
“She’s asking to go for a run.”
“No,” Jay replied immediately, shaking his head. After the river the other day, he didn’t think you’d try to escape again, but he’d look like a fool if he started letting you run around. He could picture you, though, antsy and pacing in your tent. Someone like you, so used to battle and training, with all that energy pent up inside your body. He sighed, as if that would rid him of his empathy. “I have an idea, though.”
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The training ground was a large clearing on the east side of the Decelia war camp, all dry packed dirt and sweaty soldiers. You looked out across the clearing, surveying racks that held dull weapons for sparring, soldiers running, or punching, or squatting. Everyone was in the middle of some sort of flurry of activity.
“Two hours,” Jongseong muttered to you, freeing you from your chain. You glanced back at him over your shoulder. He had already taken a few steps away. He was being weird; you’d barely seen him the last several days. It made you a little paranoid, to think that he knew something you didn’t. It also made you mad. Why could you tell when he wasn’t acting like himself? All those months of council room arguments had allowed you to get to know him better than you thought. You looked away from him.
Of course, those years hadn’t been all claws and teeth out; there were other moments, small and soft. Him laughing at your joke across the dinner table; a spar in the courtyard, amicable and unserious, trading stances and moves; the taste of mead, the heady swirl of music, his hand on your waist.
You had forgotten about that dinner party, where you taught him one of the Cineres dances. He’d learned it quickly, and was actually quite good. In another world, the two of you might have been friends. You chewed on your lip, then glanced back at him again. He wasn’t looking at you, so you pushed the memory of that night away and strode off into the clearing.
They wouldn’t let you touch anything more dangerous than a staff, but that was fine by you. Pole arms were one of your specialties; you liked the reach. At this point, they could have given you a stick and it would have been sufficient; you were just happy to be doing something other than sitting around.
That first day, you trained alone, completing drills and forms you had known since you were small. The soldiers around you were watching, though, curious. The next day, a few bold men asked you a question about your stance; you answered, repeating your steps to show them, explaining your grip on the staff. They walked away, and when they thought you weren’t looking, they tried to replicate it. You smirked.
Every day a few more soldiers approached you; the fighting style of Cineres was different than their own, and no doubt they had little experience with it in great detail. Decelia had a fluid, lithe fighting style; you often thought they looked more like dancers than fighters on the battlefield. It made them no less effective, though. You fought with more push, your movements a little more tempestuous. If the Decelia fighters moved like water, you were more like the wind, strategically blustering through an army.
By the third day you had a solid group of soldiers that were asking you questions, so you began teaching them one of the Cineres forms. The flow of their training translated well to the energy of your style; but of course, you knew that. It wasn’t the first time you had taught a Decelian some of your techniques.
Your impromptu class drew the attention of the generals, who had paused their own training to watch. They spoke to each other for a moment, seemingly deciding on something, before Jungwon approached you.
“Care for a duel?” he asked, all grins and cateyes. You stopped what you were doing to look him over; he was eager and playful looking, dressed breezily in a sleeveless tunic. You grinned back at him and nodded. “Excellent. I’ll get you a sword.”
“Oh, no,” you shook your head, gesturing with the staff. “I can beat you with this.”
And you did. Jungwon was fast, light on his feet, but he was near enough to you in height that the reach of the staff gave you an advantage against his dulled practice sword - but only just. He fought with an almost joyous ferocity, his eyes alight with an energetic thrill. It was contagious; you fought with conviction, but there was something in the way he grinned and laughed that made the whole thing feel less like a duel and more like a game.
You won with the tip of your staff on his throat as he laid back on the dusty ground, panting. If you’d a glaive or a spear, he’d be dead; you clasped his hand and pulled him up. He clapped you on the shoulder.
“You’re as good as they say,” he said with a smile as the two of you walked over to the water barrel. He poured a ladle-full over his head, shook out his hair.
“I have to be.” You glanced across the training ground, your eyes falling on Sunghoon, who now stood with the Knight Commander. He hadn’t been there when the duel started, but you could tell he had seen it based on the way he was looking at you; intently, as though he were studying something. Your eyes met briefly, barely long enough for you to see a flash of something in his gaze. Then he was walking away and Jongwon was pressing water into your hand and asking you question after question about your training regimen back home.
The next day, you barely finished stretching before Sunghoon was in front of you. He didn’t say anything, just looked at you expectantly. Jongseong watched from the edge of the clearing. You sighed and nodded.
This duel was more difficult; Sunghoon had reach, concentration, and an impassive look on his face that betrayed nothing. He was more calculated than Jungwon, steadier. His defense was stronger, and he was patient. It didn’t help that you could feel the Commander’s eyes on you, burning into the back of your head. It was hard for you to land a blow, so carefully did he move, but you had clocked something about Sunghoon on the river the day you pulled him in: pride.
So you taunted him; about the river, about that first day, when you headbutted him. You brought up other faults, things you had seen over the course of the war, things you had heard from soldiers in passing that weren’t important until now. Silly, human mistakes that you didn’t truly care about, but he did, and you saw him begin to crack. He didn’t say anything, but his movements became faster, a bit choppier, less graceful and more rage induced.
You won, but only just. Sunghoon gave you a terse handshake and walked away, leaving you panting, with your hands braced on your knees. A few of the men who had taken to training with you gave you a congratulatory pat on the back. You tried to thank them, but your eyes were on Jongseong, on his back as he walked away once again.
It irked you, the way he seemed to have nothing to say to you anymore. He had always been reactive to you. He always had something to say, a comment to share, a face to make. It was annoying, but it was also… fun? He was a challenge that you had been trying to complete for years. You didn’t know what that victory would look like, but right now, you seemed to be losing, and that made you angry.
And if you were being honest with yourself, it stung. The Commander was firm, if cold, with the soldiers around him. He had to be; that emotional regulation, the cool-headedness, was part of what made him a good commander. It wasn’t so with you, though. All your interactions were hot, loud, and messy. You did not like him showing you the Knight Commander’s face.
And then something clicked, suddenly, dawning on you as though you had just solved a riddle. The morning on the river floated into your mind, his laugh ringing clear in your head; hot, loud, messy. You watched him retreat farther into camp and you wondered if perhaps you hadn’t been seeing Jay, always.
The following day, you waited, arms crossed at the edge of the training grounds. Jungwon eyed you apprehensively, as though you were doing something concerning. Admittedly, you were feeling a little volatile; you had gone to bed fuming, irritated, and bored. You were itching for something, so when the Commander showed up, walking over to stand with his generals, you made a beeline for him.
“Fight me,” you said without preamble. He looked at you, blinking surprise out of his gaze.
“What?”
“Duel me,” you said, slower this time, your words laced with challenge. “These two did. It’s your turn, Commander.”
He shook his head, looking away from you. “No.”
You glared at him, feeling disappointed and a little breathless. “Are you scared of me?” His gaze snapped back to you, eyes flashing. You grinned, malicious. “Is that why you’ve been ignoring me?”
“Do you miss my attention that much, Your Grace?” he asked, turning to face you fully now. Something dark glittered in his eyes. You scowled at him; he was… correct, unfortunately.
“Stop hiding from me,” you said, your voice low and sticky. He narrowed his eyes, looking at you as though you’d just exposed a secret. “Fight me, Jay.”
He looked as though he wanted to say no, but couldn’t. With a huff, he pulled off his overcoat, exposing bare arms in a sleeveless tunic. You grinned, turning on your heel to approach the weapon rack. You picked up a sword, flipped it in your hand a few times.
“You’re giving up your reach,” Jay said from beside you. He tested the weight of another practice sword in his hand.
You smirked at him. “This duel is personal,” you said, looking him up and down. “I need to defeat you with a bit more… proximity.”
“Oh?” he murmured, drifting towards you. Something crackled in the air between you, hot and prickly and impossible to ignore. Your eyes trailed over his face; the jawline, the sharp eyes, the crooked grin with the laugh line. You had the sudden urge to grab him by face. Instead you walked away from him, adrenaline following you like a ghost to the center of the clearing.
The duel started normally; you had done this before, although it had been a few years since you crossed blades with Jay without the intent to kill him. Somehow, though, without that end goal, you found that it was impossible to not see him. His hair fell into his eyes, just slightly; his gaze narrowed every time you executed a parry, the corner of his left eye twitching just so. A bead of sweat rolled down his temple, his chest began to rise and fall just a bit faster.
The two of you fought like dance partners, each swing followed perfectly with another, every block perfectly timed, never actually hitting the other person. It was impressive, yes, but it was also infuriating. It was as though you were so in sync that it was impossible to break the tension that crackled between your weapons.
You blades screamed, sliding against each other until they were locked together at the hilt. Jay yanked, pulling you towards him. Your heaving breaths lingered in the air between you for just a moment as you stared at him, framed by swords. He smirked at you, flashing teeth, breathing hard. Your eyes narrowed, you licked your lips.
His gaze dipped to your mouth for a moment, and then back up. “Not much of a fight, is it?” He mused.
Something hot and aggressive bubbled up in your chest and slipped out of your mouth in a laugh. The sound was low, husky. With a spin, you dislodged your sword, slipped away.
The duel was no longer normal. A sizable crowd of soldiers had gathered, but your world zeroed in on Jay, dipping in and out of your range with annoying regularity. He was getting messier, though, a dark and wild thing looking at you through his eyes. The smirk faded from his face, replaced with something intense, almost too focused for you to look at. The laugh in your chest had melted into something needier, something that left you feeling almost d e s p e r a t e.
So, when he wrenched your sword from your hands and made to place the winning blow, you abandoned all decorum and duel etiquette. Perhaps it was the adrenaline, perhaps it was something worse. In that moment, you were overcome with the urge to put your hands on him: so you did. Your hand shot up to grab him by the wrist, and you twisted out of the way of his sword. You expected him to protest (you hadn’t agreed to grappling), but instead, he dropped his own sword, and the two of you were suddenly on the ground.
The match that followed was, for lack of any other word, dirty. It was his hands all over you, his breath hissing out of clenched teeth, gasping into your ear when you wrenched out of his grasp. It was you, trapped under his body, your teeth on his wrist, the noise that slipped from your mouth when you pulled away from him. You clashed together, again and again, the air between you constricting and expanding, too hot, tension crackling like lightning, heartbeat crashing in your ears. His face was too close to yours, his breath too hot, his body too hard.
You nearly lost the plot, but your fingers brushed a sliver of metal, and your focus snapped back. A kick, a desperate grab for the sword, a tackle and your knee was digging into his back. He moved his arms like he was going to push off the ground. You grabbed him by the hair, lifted his head from the ground, and pressed the flat of the blade to his throat. “I win,” you whispered.
The gathered crowd, who had gone dead silent, erupted into chaos, but you paid them no mind. You heard only the way your name slipped out of Jay’s mouth as he righted himself, almost reverently. He looked at you as though he hadn’t meant to say it.
“Jay… I-”
You didn’t get to say anything. Jungwon and Sunghoon swept in, the former cackling, the latter looking bemused. It was for the best, though, because you started that sentence with no idea of where it might end up. You let Jungwon help you up from the ground as Jay walked away with Sunghoon, peeling his dirty, sweat soaked tunic off as he went.
Jungwon’s voice faded away as you took in the bare back, slightly riddled with bruises but entirely planed and sculpted. You blinked. He turned around to talk to another soldier, chest still heaving slightly, muscles tensing with movement.
His eyes met yours over the other man’s soldier, and a thought blared through your head like a war horn.
“Shit,” you whispered to yourself.
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“Let her come,” the king repeated. “I’ve already sent her a clean set of clothes.”
Jay stood, tired and exasperated, in front of the king’s long dining table. Word had come that afternoon from the southern sub-units: Cineres had retreated from the riverlands, finally too outnumbered to continue their fighting. It was by no means an end to the war, but it was a step in the right direction. As a bonus, it was nearly impossible to get Cineres to retreat, fearsome as they were. That was its own victory. King Seonghwa was allowing a moderate feast in celebration, to raise morale. He was also insisting Jay allow you to attend.
“I can think of no reason why she should stay chained to her boulder,” the king continued, amused. “Unless you are that ashamed of your loss this morning.”
Jay, who had been rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers, lifted his gaze to the king, and snorted. “I’ve lost to her before. It’s not shameful to lose to a good fighter.”
Seonghwa hummed, amusement playing on his face. “You seem as though you enjoyed this duel a little… extra.”
That made Jay blush. He had been trying to not think about it. The duel this morning was… well it was enlightening, in a way that he absolutely did not want it to be. He had been clenching and unclenching his hands all day, trying to forget the way your body felt in his grip. You were nowhere to be found, and yet he still felt your eyes burning into the bare skin of his back. There were teeth marks on his wrist that he found himself looking at almost fondly. He did not want to look at you.
Unfortunately, he could not ignore the wishes of the king, and Jay found himself walking between you and Jungwon towards the center of camp. You, in a clean, fitted tunic. You, who didn’t ask after the welfare of your sisters at the news of the retreat. You, who laughed when you heard the news. You, who seemed to care less and less about leaving everyday.
He wasn’t sure what to think about you anymore, so he tried not to. He wasn’t very good at that, though, because you seemed to be everywhere; at the king’s table, drinking ale with Jungwon, sitting by the fire with soldiers who had suddenly taken a liking to you.
Jay knew he should have left when the men brought instruments out. He tried, he really did, but you wanted to dance. So he stayed, hand wrapped around a tankard, watching carefully as you tried to teach Jungwon a Cineres waltz. The main problem was that, in Cineres, the women led the dances, which was the very opposite of Decelian tradition. Jay watched you grow ever and more frustrated with Jungwon, who continued to try and lead you through steps he did not know.
“For someone who is so light on their feet, you are a terrible dancer,” you said, repositioning Jungwon for the dozenth time.
“It’s not me,” he protested, fixing his hands. “It’s the dance. It doesn’t make sense.”
The two of you continued to bicker over the music, but Jay’s focus had zeroed in on the way Jungwon’s hand pressed against your waist. Suddenly, all he could see were the places where Jungwon was touching you. Your fingers pressed his chin, tilting his head up. You pulled him close, your chests nearly flush, your fingers intertwined, your hand on his shoulder. Jay’s right hand kept a jealous knuckled grip on his ale. His left hand clenched, unclenched. The memory of this morning swirled through his mind, and started to mix with the memory of the river. The tease of your skin, a sin he hadn’t known he wanted to commit until it had slithered over his shoulder with your bare arm. He burned with the false memory of feeling your skin underneath him.
When Jungwon stepped on your foot and careened forward, nearly mashing your faces together, Jay decided he’d had enough. He abandoned his ale at the table and strode off into the dark.
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
You followed him. Immediately.
You felt as though you had done a fairly good job at acting normal all night; it was easier to pretend Jay wasn’t there when he refused to speak to you. However, the sun set, the fires glowed, and the ale burned in your stomach in such a way that you couldn’t not feel him looking at you. His eyes stung, prickled.
And you didn’t want his eyes on you.
He watched you (try to) dance with Jungwon with the eyes of a man starved, and then Jay vanished. You detached yourself, muttering half an excuse before you followed him into the dark. You didn’t say anything. You didn’t even get that close to him, not yet. You didn’t have to; you knew he was aware of you. You could see his silhouette in the flicker of different fires, see him slow at a fork, and then turn left towards your tent. Your heartbeat sped up; you had to fight the urge to run.
You lost sight of him, then, for just a split second, but when you circled around another tent, he was there, standing in front of your tent, back to you. He looked as though he had walked there in his sleep and awoken to find himself somewhere he’d never expected to be. You slipped in front of him, into his view. His eyes focused on you.
“You’re haunting me,” he said, his voice low, charged.
You tried to smirk, but the way your pulse was racing through your body made it hard to play coy. You could feel your heart in your fingers. You wanted to press the tips against his skin, see if he could feel too. You took a few steps back, until you were touching the tent flap. There were no guards here, since you weren’t inside. You pushed the flap open.
“Come in here,” you said, quietly. His eyes met yours, and something flashed there; wanting, maybe. Desire, probably. Fear, a little bit. You nodded at him.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “This is… stupid. Dangerous, even.”
He looked as though he was going to step away. You reached out with your free hand to grab him by the wrist, pulled at him gently. “Jay,” you said, soft, like a lover. “What’s going to keep you up at night; what’s going to conquer your dreams? Kissing me? Or not kissing me?”
The air seemed to press to the point of solidifying as he took a step towards you. Unbidden, you inhaled, the sound sharp and loud in the dark. Jay’s eyes flew over you, almost in a panic, before they landed on your lips, slightly parted.
The tent flap fell closed behind the two of you with a soft rustle.
Jay did not kiss like he fought. Jay fought you like he was trying to save his kingdom; he kissed you like he was trying to stay alive.
His lips were warm, soft, slightly ale-bitter, but they tasted like everything you never knew you dreamed of. The kissing wasn’t romantic - you were both too desperate for that. It was messy, clingy, pressing. His teeth grazed your lip and you saw stars behind your eyelids. Your hands wouldn’t stay still, grasping at every part of him, hot palms on sweat slick skin when you pulled him free of his tunic.
The tension had snapped completely, and in its wake you were both overcome with a desperation that bordered on madness. You kissed him like you could breathe through his lungs, hands sliding over the bare skin of his back, fingers splayed over the ridges of his ribcage. Your legs bumped the bed, and you sat, clumsy, not letting go, and he all but fell onto you, the both of you dropping back onto the padding with soft gasps. You looked at each other for a moment, eyes sparkling with amusement. Something shifted in the air.
Jay touched you with that same reverence you had seen in him this morning, finger tips ghosting over your face, along the lines of your cheeks, kneading the skin of your waist when your tunic slipped up too far. He left small, soft, oddly intimate kisses down your neck, tongue flicking out on the last one to swipe at that small, sensitive spot. A moan, soft and unexpected, slipped from your mouth. To your delight, he moaned back, melting into your skin.
You had not kissed like this before; like the stars were aligning, like the gods were dancing, like you were burning alive but you did not care because you just wanted him to keep touching you. The way his hands felt on your skin made you understand every poem you had ever read.
His hand slipped under your tunic, sliding up your torso, hot, wandering, searching. What he was looking for, you could only imagine. When his thumb brushed once over the peak of your nipple, he jumped off you like he had been burned.
“Jay,” you said, sitting up. You watched him blink as though he were coming out of a daze. He looked startled; you reached out to him. You wanted him. “It’s all right.”
He looked at you for a moment longer, and without a word, swept up his tunic and left the tent. You pressed your fingers to your lips, gently, as though you were in shock. You might as well have been.
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
The next morning, you were expecting something strange. Odd behaviors, avoidance, even anger. You did not expect the king to follow Jay into your tent in lieu of breakfast. Your first guess was that Jay realized he didn’t put your chain back on and was worried you had run in the middle of the night; the thought hadn’t even crossed your mind. Their faces were far too serious, though, and when your eyes landed on the letter in Jay’s hand, you knew what they were here for.
Cineres had responded. Jay offered you the paper, his face unreadable. You could feel their eyes on you as you read:
My mother, the queen, is dead.
Kill my sister and I will end this war. That should be sufficient recompense.
Acting Queen of Cineres, Amalie
A white hot anger boiled up inside you as the words sunk in; you were being usurped.
PREVIEW:
From the moment L/N Jiwoo and Lee Sooah set foot into Evercore School, they were inseparable. At 4, they’d share everything from crayons to secrets. At 18, they cried in each other's arms upon realizing they’d attend Harvard together. At 25, they made their husbands buy houses right next to each other. So when Y/N and Heeseung were born, they were destined to be best friends. If their mothers really had it their way, Y/N and Heeseung would marry each other. They were inseparable like their mothers, and everyone knew Y/N and Heeseung were in love with each other, until the summer before 9th grade where everything changed. Before Y/N could grasp the shift, Heeseung went from the sweet and shy boy who’d always save his last brownie for her to the kind of guy who’d skip school to get high with his new friends and join the football team to sleep with the cheerleaders. The same Evercore staircase where Y/N once bandaged Heeseung’s scraped knees after a rough game of tag, and where he would lend her his shoulder to rest on when she was too tired to play at recess, had become the place they’d walk past each other without a single glance. Y/N thought she’d be able to leave this painful part of her life behind after high school, until she learned that Heeseung would also be attending Harvard where the truth begins to unravel.
PAIRING: ex best friend!heeseung x f!reader
WC: 20K+
GENRE + WARNINGS: ex-childhood friends ꩜ written au ꩜ college au ꩜ high school to college timeline ꩜ rich kids / elite private school ꩜ high society ꩜ family business ꩜ cliques (heeseung joins the popular group) ꩜ angst ꩜ jealousy ꩜ yearning ꩜ a lot of resentment and anger from y/n ꩜ partying ꩜ alcohol ꩜ profanity ꩜ lack of communication ꩜ plot with smut (mdni)
RELEASE DATE: november 8 or 9
comment if you want to be tagged when it comes out!
✦ Inspired by some of my favorite romantic movies (each fic is based on a different film I picked)
✦ All stories are part of the Better Than the Movies series ✩ (title inspired by the book I love so much + thought would fit perfectly for this project!)
✦ Will be updated on Thursday every week (starting in November)
✦ Masterlist
✦ Author Note: This series is something I’ve been planning for a while, mixing my love for rom-com movies with writing (I'm literally so corny goodbye-). I thought it’d be really fun to reimagine those classic film vibes with Enhypen, and since Better Than the Movies is one of my comfort books, the title just felt meant to be. Hope you enjoy this little passion project!
—𝓛ᴇᴇ 𝓗ᴇᴇꜱᴇᴜɴɢ: 10 тнιηgѕ ι нαтє αвσυт уσυ
Heeseung is your academic rival, the boy who drives you insane, until a bet spirals into secret study dates and tension you can’t shake.
Genre: rivals to lovers, academic AU, fluff + smut
Pairing: enemy!academic rival!Heeseung x academic rival!reader.
Release Date: Thursday, 6th November
Inspired by: 10 Things I Hate About You
-> Read: Here!
—𝓟ᴀʀᴋ 𝓙ᴏɴɢꜱᴇᴏɴɢ: мя. αη∂ мяѕ. ѕмιтн
Jay is your husband. He’s also your target. Neither of you knew you were both assassins until the night he had a gun pressed to your head.
Genre: action, enemies to lovers, married couple AU, smut
Pairing: assassin spy husband!Jay x assassin spy wife!reader
Release Date: Thursday, 13th November
Inspired by: Mr. & Mrs. Smith
-> Read: Here!
—𝓢ɪᴍ 𝓙ᴀᴇʏᴜɴ: ¢яαzу, ѕтυρι∂, ℓσνє
Jake is the city’s ultimate playboy; he's fucked more people in a week than you have fingers, until he takes you under his wing to help you get over your ex. The problem? You might be falling for your wingman.
Genre: romcom AU, friends with benefits, smut
Pairing: Playboy!Jake x fratgirl!reader
Release Date: Thursday, November 20th
Inspired by: Crazy, Stupid, Love
-> Read: Here!
—𝓟ᴀʀᴋ 𝓢ᴜɴɢʜᴏᴏɴ: нσω тσ ℓσѕє α gυу ιη 10 ∂αуѕ
When Sunghoon finds out you’re writing an article about how to drive a man away, he makes a bet that he can make you fall for him first. Neither of you expects who will win.
Genre: enemies to lovers, fake dating, comedy + smut, social experiment
Pairing: football captain!Sunghoon x school editor!reader
Release Date: Thursday, November 27th
Inspired by: How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
-> Read: Here!
—𝓚ɪᴍ 𝓢ᴜɴᴏᴏ: ℓα ℓα ℓαη∂
You and Sunoo met chasing the same dream in the city. Love bloomed under neon lights, but in a world where ambition burns bright, will love be enough to outlast?
Genre: bittersweet romance, angst + fluff + smut, second chances
Pairing: rising singer!Sunoo x aspiring actress!reader
Release Date: Thursday, 4th December
Inspired by: La La Land
-> Read: Here!
—𝓨ᴀɴɢ 𝓙ᴜɴɢᴡᴏɴ: ƒяιєη∂ѕ ωιтн вєηєƒιтѕ
You swore it was just physical. No feelings, no strings. But Jungwon’s late-night texts and morning kisses start to feel dangerously real. Tangled in him, your slow, shallow breaths mixing together don't really seem any emotions attached, now, do they?
Genre: friends to lovers, smut, soft angst
Pairing: fwb! Jungwon x fwb! reader
Release Date: Thursday, 11th December
Inspired by: Friends With Benefits
-> Read: Here!
—𝓝ɪꜱʜɪᴍᴜʀᴀ 𝓡ɪᴋɪ: тнє ησтєвσσк
Every summer, you and Ni-ki burned with young love, until reality tore you apart. Years later, he’s back, and he still remembers every word you wrote in the letters you thought he never read.
Genre: angst, romance, smut, second chance and forbidden love
Pairing: countryboy!Niki x citygirl!reader
Release Date: Thursday, 18th December
Inspired by: The Notebook
-> Read: Here!
Directed by: @swiftjay23
Produced by: late nights and bad decisions
Starring: Enhypen
• SYNOPSIS: Heeseung has always been the voice of HYPHENIX, the steady rhythm behind the chaos, the boy who hides his emotions while encouraging others to face theirs. For him, Ella is the memory that never faded, the first love he could never forget, the one that got away. When she returns, he refuses to let the chance pass without a confession. To bridge the years of distance, he turns to the one person she trusts most now: you. What begins as a simple favor draws you into late-night conversations, fragile secrets, and the slow, quiet ache of realization.
And when the moment comes for her to leave again, you are left to wonder which heartbreak will cut deeper: his, or yours.
• PAIRING: Lee Heeseung x fem!reader
• WORD COUNT: 30k
• SERIES MASTERLIST
• AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was planning on releasing the teaser but then I noticed how near Heeseung's birthday was, so I decided to just directly post the fic on his birthday lmao. Happy Heeseung Day to everyone. I hope yk the drill by now, it has a 2nd part too. Happy reading lovelies♡
You closed the locker behind you after you were done keeping your things inside your bag. You took out your phone to remove it from silent mode and visibly flinched at the number of notifications displaying over your notification bar. Sighing, you cleared it before shooting a quick text to your mom as you stepped out into the hallway with a light skip in your feet.
The hallway smelled faintly like floor polish and paper dust, the kind of a smell you would naturally expect at the end of the day. With your bag slung over your shoulder, you dragged your feet towards the exit. You had just finished your last exam of the semester and you couldn't wait to go back home to take your well deserved nap before you board the train to your hometown.
You could see students cluttered around the campus, some leaned against the pillars, others perched upon the benches but what peculiar thing caught your attention was on the way everyone was glued on their phones, whispering amongst themselves. Your mind went back to the abnormal number of notifications you had cleared out earlier, whatever that was circulating around the social media page of your university has clearly hooked everyone already.
As you neared the main staircase of the building you spotted a few girls from your class huddled together in a half circle, head bent close together. One of them looked up just as you walked down the last staircase and waved to you to come over with the urgency of someone who had discovered Victoria's secret.
“You know Heeseung right?” Hana started as other 2 girls, Sumin and Jina looked at you with their conspiratorial grin. Your brows creased, “Heeseung, the campus boy band guy or Heeseung, the political science nobody?" They blinked at your words before Sumin sighed heavily, “why would the other Heeseung even be relevant in this conversation.”
You nodded, “okay what did Heeseung from political science do? He gets scared even when someone breathes wrong in his direction.” Hana sighed, “come on, don't pretend like you don't know him, we're talking about Heeseung from Hyphenix.”
You smiled, enjoying looking at their faces, “okay what about him? Weren't you talking about their keyboardist a few weeks before? The attention shifted towards the lead singer now?” Jina nodded, suddenly coming up to your side and hooking her arm around yours. "So, we heard that he has a childhood friend,” she gushed, eyeing other girls, “childhood best friend to be more specific.” You tilted your head, “okayyy, so what?” Hana smirked as she leaned in close as if she was delivering a top secret, “she's coming to our university.” You nodded, “right, and you all know this because?”
“Because,” Sumin leaned in, “someone from humanities told me that someone from literature told them that they overheard Hyphenix teasing Heeseung after their little impromptu show before exams, you know the show where Sunghoon declared about his undying love for Reene-” You cut in, tilting your head towards her, “Reene?” Jina rubbed her temples, “yeah, you know, the Reene! The one who always wears designers head to toe, she declared at Heeseung's birthday party that she was dating Sunghoon!”
“I know Reene, what does any of this have anything to do with Heeseung's apparent best friend?” You questioned and Hana continued, “right so, the person who heard the conversation was passing from there when Sunghoon and others started teasing Heeseung, and then someone from Mia's study group informed that she's coming here as an exchange student for 6 months, you know how Taehyun went to Japan last semester, just like that and oh my, she is coming to our university which means-”
You held your hand up to stop her from rambling further, “which means you're now trying to figure out who that girl is. Why don't we wait till our holidays are finished and figure that out when our next semester starts?”
They playfully rolled their eyes at your words but nodded, “yeah but it's fun this way.” You shrugged, adjusting your bag on your shoulder, “okay, as fascinating as this conversation was, I have a very important date with my bed. Try to fall out of love with him before the results are out, I almost lost my hearing after hearing you all cry at the rumor about Sunghoon dating Reene while working with all those chemicals.” They chuckled at your words, reminiscing about the incident at the start of semester and you waved them goodbye as you walked off, their hushed giggles trailing behind you.
*******
“Dear, someone is calling you on your phone!” You heard your mother shout and you quickly made your way inside your room. You frowned at the name displaying on the screen, Hana. You wondered why she was calling you mid holiday, it wasn't like you were friends with her but you picked up her call regardless. “Hey!” Her voice chirped from the other side of the phone, “how have you been? It's been a while since we talked, right?” You frowned, “I'm doing fine, you?” You heard her sigh, “I'm also doing good, just wanted to talk to you to check if you're doing okay.”
You hummed, waiting for her to speak further. “Oh god, have you heard about this?” She started, “I heard that Heeseung's childhood friend is from our major, what are the odds right?” You just looked at your phone's screen for a few seconds before sighing, “Hana I know damn well I'm not your gossip buddy and it's certainly not the reason why you called me up randomly in the middle of the holiday, what's up?” You could hear her pace around for sometime before she spoke again, “actually, you know how we have to do in-house projects next semester right? What sub-topic are you planning on taking the project on?”
A smile etched upon your face at her words, more like a smirk. You bit your lips, contemplating on how to progress this conversation. “Hana,” you sat at the edge of your bed, “I haven't decided that yet, you know how indecisive I can get right? What topic do you have in mind?” You heard her clear her throat, “oh? I haven't decided yet, that's why I was wondering if you could tell me yours so it would give me some direction.” You rolled your eyes, knowing her intentions well enough after spending so much time with her, “well that's too sad, you can always ask Prof. Kim for help, you know?” She coughed, “yeah yeah, of course I can do that, just thought I'd ask you first. Take care!”
*******
“Yes mom, I've got everything!” You reassure your mother for probably the 10th time since the past hour as you made your way towards your platform. Your mother nodded as your father helped you with the luggage for the time being. You spotted a shop and made your way towards it, “can I please have a can of soda?” You waited as the owner nodded. You smiled at the owner as she slid the can towards you, but your smile flattered in confusion when she slid another can too. “This is the last one, take it.” She smiled, and you shook your head, “I only need one grandma.”
“I'm not asking you to pay for this, consider this as my little gift to wish you a safe journey my child,” she gave you back the spare change after charging for only one can. Your mouth opened to reply but she just mischievously grinned at you before leaning in close, “something tells me you really need this.”
You chuckled lightly before keeping both the cans inside your bag and bid her goodbye. Enjoying an extra, free drink doesn't sound so bad after all. By the time you boarded the train, your knees hurt with all the shuffling between platforms and the late afternoon light was filling up the compartments.
You slid into an empty seat by the window, keeping your luggage closer as you relaxed in your seat. The train rocked gently as it made its way through different open fields, you leaned your head on your palm, watching the scenery. Halfway through the journey someone dropped on the seat across from you, pulling out her phone from her pockets with a sigh so heavy you almost felt it in your chest. For sometime neither of you acknowledged each other's presence visibly but you could hear her muttering under her breath as she furiously typed something on her phone.
Your eyes trailed towards her, there was a faint furrow between her brows as she put her phone back in her pocket. Her suitcase was tucked near her legs neatly, an airport tag still dangling on it. You watched the way her shoulder slumped after she talked with the ticket inspector and showed her ticket, resuming her previous position. You gulped, adjusting your own position when your eyes landed on two cans of soda and then towards the tired girl sitting in front of you, her expression was dejected just enough for you to make a decision in your head.
You took the spare can in your hand, leaning slightly towards her with a small polite smile, “you look like you're mourning first class.” The girl in front of you tore her eyes from the scenery and looked at you first before her eyes landed on your outstretched hand, “for me?” She questioned and you could hear the faint accent in her voice. You nodded and she tentatively took the can from your hand. “I kind of am,” she admitted as she turned her body to face you properly, “long story short, I arrived in the wrong city. I thought I selected the right one, and didn't pay much attention after. So now I'm stuck playing catch up.”
You opened your can as she did hers, “well, at least the train seats don't recline on your lap.” That pulled a laugh out of her. She took a sip for her soda then tilted her head towards you, “my name is Ella, what's yours?” You smiled as you told her your name and she nodded, “so are you headed somewhere exciting or just…back to reality?” You sighed, leaning against your seat, “back to campus, since the new semester is rolling in.” She hummed in acknowledgement, “I can understand, new semesters can be burdensome. I’m here for the student exchange program.” She told you the name of the university she had applied to and you grinned, “wait? Really? I go to that university!”
Her eyes lit up at your words and she leaned in, an excited grin plastered over her face, “omg this is great, my major is biotech, what about yours?” Your eyes widened, mouth parting in disbelief, “no way, that's my major.” She chuckled, “such a small world.” You nodded but then you remembered about the campus rumors and the thing Hana told you about, “so you'll be here for 6 months?” She nodded, “yeah.” Silence stretched over for a while then you glanced at her, “you have everything arranged already or do you need any help?” She shook her head lightly, “oh everything is taken care of, I thankfully was able to do everything without any hassle.”
You hummed in acknowledgement, looking out to see if your station would be the next one, “well six months are enough to know about all the good coffee shops around the city, I could show you around sometime if you want.” Her smile widened, “thanks, that would be great.” You grinned, throwing your now empty can in the trash bin nearby.
When you returned she looked at you, “so are you local or?” You shrugged, “not entirely a local, but I've been in the city long enough to know my way around.” The sound of the train's engine hummed along as you both talked about everything and nothing, the tired girl from earlier nowhere in sight. “I hope to see you often in the campus,” she waved after getting inside her cab and you nodded before you entered yours.
*******
Heeseung checked his reflection on the phone screen for the last time before he knocked, the door opened and his breath hitched. “Heeseung?” Ella smiled, opening the door further, inviting him in. He couldn't help the smile that etched upon his face as he saw her and before he could stop himself he gently pulled her into a hug. Ella stiffened but hugged him back before parting away, “my clothes are all dirty.” Heeseung laughed, placing two iced americanos on the table, “I don't really care.” Ella looked at the drinks, shaking her head but still smiled, “didn't think you'd still drink those awful drinks.”
The apartment smelled like cardboard and laundry detergent, and he watched the way Ella made her way towards a half unpacked suitcase, hair pulled back in a messy bun and sleeves of her top rolled up. She glanced up at him, “well? Are you just going to stand there and not help?” Heeseung rolled the sleeves of his hoodie up before he started helping her unpack. They worked silently side by side, with one of them occasionally commenting over trivial things. Heeseung asked her about journey and she whined about how hectic everything was.
“How about we get fresh before eating something?” Ella suggested as she pointed towards her bathroom and Heeseung nodded, taking a good look at the apartment to check if everything was perfect and made his way inside the bathroom. Ella offered him towels and made her way inside the bathroom after Heeseung was out. He sat on her desk chair, waiting for her when his eyes landed on a small box placed over the desk.
He lifted the box, rummaging through its contents in boredom when a framed photo caught his eyes. Them sitting on a bench, the night before Ella was about to leave for London, it was clicked by Sunghoon. He froze for a second, smile softening a little as he remembered that night. He had cried on Sunghoon's shoulder for the whole night after Ella went back home. He snapped out of his daze when he heard the bathroom door click shut behind him and he turned around to find Ella already looking at him.
“You kept that?” He questioned, voice unsure as if he was afraid to break the moment. “Yeah, why would I not?” She shrugged as she brought the americanos and takeout that Heeseung brought for them to eat. Heeseung watched her for a moment longer as both of them ate the food, it had been years since both of them stood in the same room and he thought the first time would be different than this. He imagined she would embrace him the way she did before, the kind of hug where they would melt in each other. Instead, there was an easy familiarity between them.
“How are others?” Ella questioned as she cleaned the dishes. Heeseung leaned against the counter, “they are doing good, you know Jay and Sunghoon have girlfriends now, you always complained about being the only girl in the group, you'd love them.” Ella washed her hands and turned towards him, “I know, I saw the instagram posts and everything but still I'm looking forward to meeting them.” Heeseung nodded and the conversation flowed towards all the things that happened while she was in London and vice versa. Heeseung bid her goodbye late in the evening, “good night.” She smiled, waving her hands, “good night, Hee.”
*******
You were walking around the quiet streets of your neighborhood, hoping the late night air would help you fall asleep when a familiar figure caught your eyes, “Ella!” you called, making your way across the road, towards her. She turned towards you, a smile adorning her face as she placed her headphones in her pocket, “what are the chances?” You looked around the street before your head turned back towards her when she asked, “what are you doing here?” You shrugged, “I live nearby.”
Ella raised her eyebrows in surprise, hands on her hips, “No way- are you serious? Same train, same campus, same major and now we are neighbors too?” She then pointed at the apartment building behind her and you laughed pointing at your own apartment building, “that's my apartment, so you can say we are neighbors.” Ella nodded her head as you grinned back at her. Minutes later, you found yourself sitting on the random bench on the street, right beneath a streetlight.
“I've been walking for nearly an hour,” you started, slumping against the backrest on the bench, “since I visited my parents, it would take me a while to get used to sleeping in my own bed again. I couldn't stay in my room without feeling like the walls were caving in.” Ella looked at you for a second before she nodded, “I can understand, I've been restless too but I'm not really sure it's because of the place or me.” You looked at her, “maybe both?” Ella huffed a laugh, before her eyes landed on her hands, “do you ever feel like you're doing all the things right, but it still feels a bit off?”
“I feel like that all the time,” you confessed, now sitting crossed leg on the bench, “that's why I'm out here walking around instead of sleeping in, it feels easier to keep moving instead of sitting with it.” She pulled her knees up, leaning her head against it, “same here, sometimes I wonder if it's just life now.” You hummed, toying with the sleeves of your hoodie, “maybe, but at least now I know there's someone else awake at this hour.” She gave you a small smile as you looked at her, “guess we are in the same boat..again.”
*******
The living room of Heeseung's apartment was a comfortable mess, pizza boxes lying around, half empty soda cans pushed to the sides, snacks stacked on the coffee table. The faint hum of Heeseung's playlist played in the background but it was barely audible over the laughter. Jake was first to engulf Ella in his arms, “finally! I hope you didn't forget what real food tastes like after living in London for so long.” Ella rolled her eyes at him as she hugged Jay, “shut up. London is great, but I won't lie when I say that I missed your weird toast-with-ketchup obsession.”
Sunghoon ruffled her hair, giving her a side hug, “did you bring any gifts? I hope you did after the emotional abandonment we faced because of you.” Ella just shook her head as she made herself comfortable on the couch, and Jay chimed in, “she didn't even pick up my FaceTime that one time.” Ella rolled her eyes, elbowing him, “it was 3 a.m at that time!” Heeseung watched the whole interaction from across the room, the way she eased into the group, teasing and laughing at their jokes, but there was something that still felt off about her, like there was a fraction of her somewhere else.
“Okay! Let's take a picture together just like old times, we need the latest version!” Jake declared and everyone gathered around Jake, trying to fit into the screen. The timer beeped before anyone could settle. Sunghoon was zoned out, Jay was caught mid-laugh, Heeseung was barely visible and Ella's hand was half raised for a peace sign, the only person who looked good in that picture was Jake and everyone looked at each other for a brief moment before attacking him. When the moment passed, everyone busied themselves with drinks and snacks.
Ella leaned against the couch as she watched the boys have fun, “I don't think I'll ever find people like you again.” Jay looked up at her from where he was sitting on the floor, “I know right? We are one of a kind.” Heeseung made his way towards her, leaning on the couch beside her, “you don't have to even try to find people like us you know? You can always come back here.” Ella turned her gaze towards him, her eyes holding something he couldn't quite name, “I know but I’m happy where I am right now, London is everything I've ever wanted.”
Her words hung in the air for some time before Jake cleared his throat, “yeah, we know. You always gushed about it and couldn't even contain your excitement when your father's company transferred there but don't you miss your life here?” Ella hummed, her shoulders brushing against Heeseung's, “I do, but with time I kind of got used to it you know? Plus I need to focus on taking over my dad's company.” Everyone nodded their heads solemnly and Ella's eyes found Heeseung's again, “you guys are also doing great here, I heard Hyphenix is very famous here.”
Heeseung gulped but nodded, without giving her any verbal answer. He just watched her join others on the floor, stealing some of Jay's snacks as Sunghoon and Jake laughed at their playful bickering. Heeseung could feel the weight of everything she wasn't saying out loud and for the first time since he knew her, he couldn't read her like he used to.
*******
The lecture hall smelled faintly of whiteboard markers and coffee, a scent that matched perfectly with the heavy atmosphere around the hall due to the guest lecturer's burnt out expressions. You were counting down seconds, constantly looking at your phone to see if the time had passed. Beside you, Ella sat stiffly, but you could tell she was seconds away from bolting out of the room. You heard her sigh heavily when the professor said ‘you know’ for what felt like the fourteenth time in the same sentence, then she leaned towards you, “why does he keep on saying ‘you know’ constantly, like please sir, we don't know!”
You stifled your laugh, biting the inside of your cheeks. You tried your best to not burst out laughing, apparently even the lamest joke seemed laughable when you were in the middle of a boring lecture. When the lecturer dismissed the class, you and Ella practically bolted the hall, trying your best to escape as soon as possible. You noticed a few people glancing at both of you as you walked down the hallway, well they were more likely looking at Ella, but neither of you acknowledged looking back at them. By the time both of you made it to your campus cafe, the conversation between you two started drifting towards a lighter topic.
The two of you sat in the far corner after ordering your drinks, laughter dying out as you sipped your drinks. “So,” Ella started, stirring her drink, “are you planning on taking an industrial route after your graduation or research one?” You kept your drink down, “my interest lean more towards research, animal cell culture to be specific for early oral cancer detection.” You leaned back against the chair as you looked at her, “it's tedious but if it worked, it can be huge. What about you?” Ella's expression brightened at your words, sliding her drink aside as she leaned on the table.
“That's brilliant. I lean more towards the industrial one, immunology you know? My dad owns a pharmaceutical company in London, so I've kind of grown up around it. But I'm going to try a different approach, more patient-driven than profit-driven.” You smiled, feeling excited after learning about her goals, “isn't it fascinating? Both of us are of the same major but with dreams so distinct.” Ella's lips curled into a soft smile as she tilted her head, “it sure is, that's the beauty of biotechnology, it's a really vast field.” You both talked for a long time, tucked into a corner of campus cafe as you both shared about the topic of your interest with each other.
It was rare for you to find someone so different yet so passionate as you. Most of your batch mates always listened to you ramble about some topic while giving few of their inputs but it felt refreshing to be the one on the receiving end of it. You watched her talk with her hands flying in the air as she mapped out things she had planned for her future. There was a steadiness in her voice as she spoke about her dad's company, not loud or boastful, just certain. And as both of you continued to talk more, the tiredness from all the lectures seemed to be an afterthought which faded into the background.
*******
“When am I going to meet your girlfriends?” Ella questioned as she nudged Jay and gave a look to Sunghoon, who just shrugged, “Mia is busy with her assignments and Reene is busy handling the upcoming event her mom requested her to handle but you'll meet them soon, don't worry.” It was late afternoon and the campus was alive with students sprawled all over the campus doing their own things. Some of them occasionally glanced at them but at this point, each of them were used to it. And there was no doubt they heard about the rumors going on about Heeseung and Ella too.
Heeseung sat across from where Ella was talking with Jay about something, half listening to Jake and Sunghoon argue about the setlist for their next show. His gaze drifted forward, inevitably. Ella was talking with Jay about something he couldn't quite hear over Jake's loud voice so he settled over just observing her.
He knew the Ella in front of him was different from the one who left him to go to London, it wasn't easily noticeable but it was, for him. She still laughed the same, it just landed quieter now, the way her shoulders never fully relaxed like she was always on guard. And still despite those changes, his chest still tightened with the same fact he'd known even before she left, that he was still devastatingly in love with her.
He rose up from his place without much thinking, legs moving towards where she stood with Jay, like he couldn't bear a second away from the little bubble that surrounded her. He arrived just in time to hear Ella squeal in excitement, “she's brilliant Jay, I feel like I'd have drowned this semester without her.” Heeseung frowned as he stood in front of them, head tilted in quiet curiosity, “who are you talking about?” Ella turned towards him, a bit startled but then eased a bit, “oh, my classmate! I met her on the train when I was sulking about my mixed flight details. She is the only person I talk with in my major and we are so much alike, she's heaven sent I swear.”
“Oh is that so? I think I need to meet her then,” Heeseung smirked. Ella's eyes widened, “you'd like her I swear.” She then turned towards Jay, excitement gleaming in her eyes, “literally Jay, both of them would have a great dynamic, I just feel it.” The conversation shifted after that, but Heeseung found his mind drifting towards the classmate Ella had mentioned
You were close to Ella, you mattered to her, your bond with Ella was good enough that she said you two were alike. And just like that something clicked inside his head, if he wanted to understand the Ella standing in front of him, the softer and guarded version, then maybe you were the bridge. Maybe you could teach him to learn Ella all over again.
*******
You and Ella were working silently on your separate experiments, the low hum of incubators and smell of ethanol clinging to your lab coat. You carefully cleaned up the area and slid the glass down right after. As soon as you locked the glass panel down, you removed your mask and exhaled loud enough for Ella to look towards you and laugh. You removed the gloves and threw it in the trash bin beside your foot, sanitizing your hand one last time before stretching.
“There are times like this when I cry thinking about what I thought while choosing this field,” you sighed, sitting on the worn out high-stool of your university's laboratory. Ella hummed from where she was inspecting her bacterial growth on the Agar before placing it back inside the incubator. She turned towards you, pout evident on her face, “I can understand, but I'm happy industrial biotech isn't as tedious and meticulous as animal cell culture.” You shook your head, grabbing your water bottle, “I'll be back, going to grab some water.”
The hallway is warmer than your lab as you shut the door behind you, the smell of chlorine still lingering in the air after the janitor mopped the floor. You leaned your head against the water cooler while filling your bottle, the cool air distracting you from your exhaustion for a while. You closed the nozzle and capped your bottle when the cold water dripped down your fingers. You turned around, making your way back into the lab, pushing the door halfway open when a voice cut through the quiet corridor.
“Wait! Hey- sorry to disturb you but do you know where the Biotech Lab 4 is?” You glanced towards the voice, eyebrows twitching at the sheer stupidity of it all. Heeseung stood before you, right below the huge sign that said ‘Biotech Lab 4,’ in bold black letters. It was almost like the universe has handed you a comedy skit and wanted you to improvise it on the spot.
You leaned against the doorframe, a bored expression plastered on your face, “that depends.” Heeseung's eyes brows creased, unable to understand what you were trying to imply so he questioned, “depends on what?” You massaged your temple, looking up towards the sign as if it would give you some answers, “on whether you can read or not.” He just blinked at you, like you spoke in the language he couldn't understand. One corner of his lips twitched, with amusement or disbelief, you weren't sure, “okay? Wow, I was just asking you for directions, not the results of my literacy test.”
“And I was just answering your question,” you smiled sarcastically while pointing your finger towards the sign, “that's Biotech Lab 4, you're literally standing in front of it.” His head tilted in the direction your finger was pointing at when you spoke again, “big sign, kinda hard to ignore isn't it?” Heeseung tilted his head to look at you then, eyes narrowing at your sarcasm, “do you know who I am?” The words left his mouth before he could even think through them.
You didn't hesitate, just casually leaned your weight on the other leg, “Yeah, I do.” Heeseung relaxed, placing his hands inside his hoodie. “You're the guy who fell on his butt near the water fountain last semester,” you watched how he tensed, mouth parting in utter disbelief. “That was, no you didn't, how do you know that?” He questioned, looking around to check if anyone was listening. You rolled your eyes, “well I always leave the campus late, so I've seen a handful of things I shouldn't have.”
He gave you a defeated look before running a hand through his hair, exhaling heavily. You pushed the door open all the way, “come on, you're looking for Ella right?” His hands curled into fists but he still followed you with a sweet smile, muttering something about how slippery the floor was that day. Ella put her phone inside her pocket, smiling as soon as she spotted you and Heeseung. “Oh? Heeseung? Hii! What brought you here?”
Heeseung leaned against the counter, completely ignoring your presence. You could practically see heart bursting out from his eyes as he smiled back at her, “Mia and Reene wanted to meet you, when will you be free?” You watched as Ella tilted her head then her eyes found yours. You smiled, checking the time, “I think we will be done by 5 for today.” Heeseung looked at you for a second then back at Ella who just nodded, “okay, after 5 it is. We both have to complete a few tasks before that.”
Heeseung nodded, straightening up, “cool, I'll tell them about it then.” Heeseung was about to turn around when Ella stepped closer, hands in her coat pockets, “Heeseung, I forgot to introduce earlier but she is the classmate I was telling you and Jay about.” You raised your eyebrows, keeping the water bottle on the counter, “you talk about me?” Ella laughed, nudging her shoulder with yours, “of course, you're like the only person I can tolerate in our major.”
Heeseung watched the exchange between you and Ella with a tight expression. His eyes analyzed the way Ella was visibly more relaxed and less guarded in your presence. Ella then turned towards him, her smile never wavering as she hooked her arm with you, “actually Hee, how about you ask Mia and Reene to join us here in the lab, we can make plans with them right after that.” Heeseung nodded, finally flicking his gaze towards you, he looked at you just long enough to let you know that you're under his annoying stranger radar.
He turned around, shutting the door behind him as Ella's words rang in his ears ‘you'd like her I swear,’ he wondered what Ella thought while she even said that to him. He sighed, he was supposed to be on your good side, instead you managed to fluster and humiliate him, all at the same time. You sighed as the sound of footsteps faded away, biting back the smile that was threatening to etch upon your face. He was easy to rile up.
“Why are you staring at the door, get on with your work,” Ella slapped your shoulder lightly, “we need to start working on our shared report by 2.” You nodded, taking a fresh pair of gloves from the box and sanitizing your hair before you resumed your experiment as Ella focused on her own. By the time evening arrived, both of you were huddled together as you researched the papers while Ella typed the information beside you, a faint scent of ethanol still lingering in the air when the sounds of footsteps followed by 2 quick knocks caught both of your attention.
Two figures stood by the door, the comparatively shorter one with her soft sweater and shoes, Mia, you recognized and beside her stood Reene, in all her designer glory. Both of them smiled at you, stepping in when they finally got your attention. “Ella?” Mia smiled, eyes scanning the lab in wonder, “Heeseung said you'd be free by now, I hope weren't interrupting you two!” Ella grinned as both of you arranged two additional chairs for them, “not really, we were about to pack up. By the way, this is my lab partner and a dear friend.”
“Hey!” You waved at both of them, introducing your name. You watched Reene’s eyes flicker towards numerous pipettes, flasks and the mess of your current report on the counter, “biotech is a bold choice, not many people walk this path.” You hummed, nodding in agreement, “you're right, but handling mega events while keeping up with your own major is also a bold choice, don't you think?”
Reene’s eyes widened in surprise, “oh you keep tabs on me?” You shrugged, organizing your notes absentmindedly, “kind of hard not to, with all the rumors that spread around the campus. It reaches your ears even when you don't want them too.” Mia groaned, nodding her head in agreement, “I swear, but it's worse when the rumors are about you, I lost count on how many people approached me to ask what I wrote in those confession letters so they could do the same.”
“No way!” Your mouth fell open and Reene just shook her head solemnly, “yeah right, people in this university can be invasive.” It didn't take much longer for the conversation between the four of you to start rolling smoothly. You all were laughing, telling random stories about the campus and classmates. Mia told about how one girl asked her to write a letter for her for $50 and how she flat out rejected her offer by telling her that getting together with Jay was never the plan. “At an event I was organising on behalf of my mother, one guy literally sent flowers on my mom's name thinking it was my name and it was so chaotic in my house that day, dad and I still tease mom about it,” Reene recalled and all of you laughed as she gave more details, clutching your stomachs.
You sighed heavily, calming down a little, “you see that burner over there?” You pointed at the burner not far from you and three of them nodded, “that's called Bunsen's burner, and for context, you need to shut the nozzle off since it's a burner and not a candle. So during my first semester here, a girl used it for some time then shifted her focus on the notes. The professor pointed out that she shouldn't keep the flame burning if she wasn't using it, so she blew out the flame, by her mouth, right in front of the professor. The professor was so horrified and shocked that she shut off the nozzle herself and went out for a 5 minute walk.”
“Oh my god,” Mia exclaimed as Ella laughed, leaning her weight on you, “is that girl doing okay now?” You nodded, “well better than her first semester self at least.” More stories were exchanged, and you found yourself learning more about the two girls aside from how the rumors portrayed them. When the laughter and teasing died out, Ella coughed, wiping her tears, “I think I needed this, I haven't laughed like this in a long time.”
You and Reene agreed, and Mia leaned forward, eyes trained on Ella, “well now tell us, how did you meet Hyphenix? Any special story?” Ella smiled, adjusting her coat a little, “there's no special story, I was Heeseung's neighbour and we played a lot together, then at the end of middle school he introduced me to the rest of the boys and they just kind of let me in.” Reene nodded, “do you miss the boys there? I know they miss you here.” Ella smiled, “yeah, of course I do, but you get used to it.”
“What about Heeseung? You have spent more than half of your life with him, there surely must be times when you want to share something with him but he's not there,” Mia said carefully, and you saw the way her eyes flickered towards Reene for a brief second. Ella cleared her throat, laughing awkwardly, “Heeseung, yeah, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him the most. He has been my best friend for as long as I can remember, he was my childhood you know?”
Reene hummed, dusting off an invisible lint from her top, “do you think you'll ever come back here?” You watched the way Ella sighed, her shoulders slumping a little, barely noticeable. “I love London, that's my hometown after all, it was my dad's dream to open a pharmaceutical company there, and I've seen how much work he had put into getting where he is now. And I always wanted to follow his footsteps, that hasn't changed. It probably won't, ever.” Mia leaned against her chair, “I get that.”
Ella looked at you before turning her head towards Mia and Reene, “as much love as this city has given me, London will always be my true home where my parents, grandparents and cousins are.” There was a brief silence after Ella was done, a heavy atmosphere surrounding you all. You gulped, contemplating on whether to divert the topic or not, “I'm hungry, who wants to grab something to eat?” All three heads turned towards you and Reene was the first one to stand up followed by Mia and Ella, “thank god, I was starving.”
*******
“Hey!” Mia hugged you as soon as she opened the door to Heeseung's apartment. You hugged her back, giving her space to embrace Ella who stood a step behind you. “Guys, they are here!” She called out as three of you made your way towards the living room. Heeseung's apartment was lit in a golden glow which made everything feel more warm. You stopped at the entrance when all the heads turned towards you and Ella, a nervous smile etching up on your face.
You knew every person in that room, some way or the other. Their names, their stories, the whispers your classmates traded in hushed tones. You had watched Hyphenix perform countless times, you knew about all of them in your own way. Yet, ironically, you were nothing more than a stranger to them. Ella gave your hand a gentle tug and you turned your head towards her, “the new round is starting, let's join.” Your eyes scanned the room, Sunghoon and Reene were sitting on one end of the couch, Heeseung sitting on the other end. Jake, Jay, Mia were perched upon the floor in a half circle and Ella dragged you to join them.
“Whether you're new here or not, we don't go easy on anyone,” Jake pointed his finger at you as he began to distribute UNO cards. You smiled, arching your brows as you picked up your card, immediately shielding them and arranging it to your preference as the game started. The floor was a mess, cans of soda, half eaten snacks sprawled over it, and the UNO cards scattered in the middle. You were sitting in between Jake and Jay, knees drawn up, and cards in your hand hidden like they are sacred. Jake leaned back, eyeing Jay with a mischievous glint, “Jay, if you have a special card, put it down.”
You rolled your eyes knowing full well he was trying to make you lose, “that's a pathetic move.” Jake shrugged his shoulders, “more like strategy.” Jay chuckled a bit, briefly glancing at you before he slammed down a Draw Four, “I'm sorry but it was the only one I could draw.” You sighed as Jake fell on his back, laughing, “take that.” You looked at the cards in your hands then back at him. “Oh sweetie,” you sighed as you laid down your own Draw Four and stacking it on the top, “take that back.”
“What the fuck?” Jake sat back up, jaw dropped before looking at Jay, “she's a menace, Jay help me to not let her win.” Ella laughed from where she was sitting beside Jake, “don't underestimate her Jake.” Jake sighed, picking up the cards with a pout on his face, “this is bullying, I want to restart.” You shook your head, chuckling, “you keep on saying that and then target me.”
Across from you, Mia is bickering with Jay about the cards in his hand, she wasn't playing but rather watching, she leaned towards him, “save the wild card for later.” Jay shot her a glance, then looked back at his cards, “that's not how you win butterfly.” Mia leaned against the couch, throwing her hands in exasperation, “that's exactly why you're losing.” Behind them, Sunghoon angled his phone to catch the two of them bickering while Reene sipped her drink, watching with an amused smile on her face.
The vibe was loud and easy as the game continued, Jake made another sorry attempt at making Jay team up with him to make you lose only to watch you win another round by slipping your last card without a word. Ella got up from her spot and collapsed beside you as Jake got up, pulling his hair in frustration. You laughed, balancing yourself with one hand as you almost stumbled a bit, Ella coughed, trying to control her own laughter, leaning against you and you slid your hand across her shoulders.
Your eyes unintentionally drifted towards Heeseung, whose eyes were trained on Ella. You noticed he wasn't talking much, but you knew he was present in the moment with the way his expressions flickered when something interesting happened. Though you also noticed he hadn't said anything directly to you. Eventually, the room settled into quiet chaos, the music was toned down to shift the mood accordingly. You, Ella, Mia and Reene were sprawled against the couch while the boys sat down, talking about nothing in particular.
“I need some water, can anyone tell me where the kitchen is?” You questioned as you stood up from the couch, expectantly looking at Ella. She smiled, about to move from her spot when Heeseung got up, making his way past you, “I'll show you the way.” You looked at Ella briefly and she just shrugged so you followed Heeseung as he made his way towards the kitchen. The kitchen was quiet except for the faded voices coming from the living room. Heeseung moved around the corner, pulling a glass from the cabinet before filling it with water.
He handed you the glass, his eyes lingering on you for a second longer, “you and Ella seem pretty close.” He leaned his weight on the counter as he watched you drink the water, “it used to be me and her like that in the past.” You put the glass on the counter, the coolness of the water soothing your throat, “sometimes people change, it's not always a bad thing.” He hummed, crossing his arms across his chest, nodding, “you say that like you've already decided I'm the bad thing.”
You picked up the glass to take another sip in a failed attempt at hiding your grin, “I did not say that, but don't you think it's kind of ironic, watching someone who used to be close to you get closer to someone else…like me.” He scoffed at your words, “ironic or karmic?” You put the glass in the sink before making your way in front of him, “that depends.” He rolled his eyes at the familiar words but you just smiled as you continued, “that depends on whether you are planning to steal her back or you're just here to stalk your replacement.”
Heeseung laughed, shaking his head, “you're more dangerous than I thought, Jake was right, you're a menace.” You folded your arms across your chest, “oh so you were paying attention after all, just like I thought, you're nosy but act nonchalant.” You watched the corner of his mouth twitch like he was about to say something but decided otherwise. Instead, he brushed past you, again, the sleeve of his t-shirt brushing against your arm. “Come on,” he said, glancing over his shoulder, “I don't want them to think I killed you or something.”
The apartment went quiet after everyone had dinner and washed the dishes. You and Reene shared the bed while Mia and Ella slept on the mattress the boys had arranged on the floor. You all drifted off to sleep after gossiping for a while, meanwhile, the boys had claimed Heeseung's bedroom. Heeseung and Sunghoon shared the bed, while Jay and Jake laid on the mattress on the floor. The room was dark except for the dim light of Heeseung's lamp casting shadows on the walls.
It was silent for a while, then Jake sighed, loud enough to gain everyone's attention, “when Ella informed she'll be bringing her classmate along, I was prepared to have an awkward night. But I was surprised with how well she fit in.” Jay hummed, looking at the ceiling, “yeah, she matched the energy well, didn't get intimidated, that's rare.” Sunghoon sat up, leaning against the headboard as he scrolled through his phone, “it felt like she had been hanging around with us for a long time. What do you think, Heeseung?”
All the attention shifted towards Heeseung, who just kept his phone on the night stand, a sigh leaving his lips, “I also noticed something else.” Sunghoon's brows creased, “what?” Heeseung sat up, running a hand through his hair, “she's close to Ella, like genuinely close. I mean, Ella doesn't get comfortable easily, she also never really brought any of her other friends in our hangouts. She's close to her.” Jake raised his eyebrows at his words, a smile stretching up on his face, “ooh seems like someone was paying close attention.”
“I was,” Heeseung stated, “I had to, ever since Ella came back from London, I felt like she was keeping her distance, today was the first time I saw her fully relaxed you know.” Others nodded in agreement. “So I was wondering,” he looked at all three of them slowly, “okay, hear out, I want to get closer to Ella, like I used to be, and I need to confess to her before it's too late too. Do you think I should ask her for help?” Jay raised an eyebrow, now sitting up, “you want her to help you get closer to Ella?”
Heeseung nodded, “yeah, I mean she seems to understand the older version of Ella in a way most of us haven't and if Ella likes her enough to invite her to our hangouts, maybe she can…I don't know…she can maybe soften the ground for me?” Jay placed his chin on the bed, looking at Heeseung, “it depends on whether she'll agree to help you, and from what I've seen today, if she agreed, she might be your best shot.” Sunghoon sighed, looking at Jay, “or he can just confess his feelings directly to Ella? Why involve a third person?”
“I want it to be perfect, I want to get to know this version of Ella before I make my move,” Heeseung mumbled, eyes falling on the photo frame of him and Ella on his desk. “Heeseung, you know we will support you regardless, if you think that's a good plan then go ahead, but make sure she is comfortable first okay? Don't fret her over it if she rejects,” Jake said, making himself comfortable on the mattress. “Of course, I'll only go through it if she agrees.”
*******
“I'll get going, don't forget to text me when you reach home okay? Don't spend too much time in the lab,” Ella rambled as she packed her belongings inside her bag, along with a few other classmates. You nodded, cleaning up your space before opening your laptop to get done with your individual report. "Don't worry about her, she’ll be fine,” you heard one of your classmates, Yubin, say as she handed you a few candies. You waved them goodbye as they left, your smile dropping into a pout as you looked at the now empty lab.
You had unconsciously gotten used to having Ella's company that being alone now felt weird, although you had always preferred working alone. Ella had informed you she had plans with a few of her friends from high school so she'll be leaving early. By the time evening arrived, you were a mess, surrounded by various research papers and notebooks, your laptop pushed back a little, a few candy wrappers spread near your laptop like confetti, and you leaned your head against the counter fighting to stay sane internally.
The hallway was quiet, and the slow hum of incubators rotating filled the room. You closed your laptop, deciding it was best to leave when the door of your lab burst open. “Heeseung?” You questioned, surprised to see him in your lab, “Ella went home early.” Heeseung nodded as he pulled a chair right in front of you, “I know.” Your eyebrows furrowed, “then? Are you lost or something?" He made himself comfortable on the chair, eyes scanning the lab, “kind of, will you help me with that?”
You looked at him for a while before turning around to gather your notebooks and research papers. “So,” you started, keeping everything one by one inside your bag, “tell me, what's up?” He looked at you for a while before sighing and looking at his hands, “it's about Ella.” You eyed him from the corner of your eye, “figured.” He looked up but you were busy cleaning up your space. “I don't know how to start, I know this is weird,” he scratched the back of his neck, “but I've noticed how close you're with Ella, and I want to get closer to her and maybe even tell her how I feel, I don't want to mess it up.”
“So you are asking me to help you with that,” you commented, zipping your bag and keeping it aside. “If you're okay with it,” he added, “or you can just plainly tell me this is a bad idea.” You chuckled at his nervous tone, leaning your elbow on the counter, “I don't know if you're aware, but you're very obvious, I almost cried watching you that night.” He groaned, throwing his head back in frustration, “that bad?” He looked at you with hopeful eyes. You shrugged, “pretty bad actually,” you replied but the way the corners of your mouth lifted up, it landed softly.
He lifted up a candy wrapper from the counter as the silence stretched between you two, “I am not asking you to do anything huge, just a little nudge in the right direction.” You hummed, eyes trained on the way his fingers fiddled with the wrapper, “I'm not going to write you scripts.” He scoffed, looking in your eyes, “I wouldn't follow it anyway.” You raised your eyebrows but nodded, “sounds like you.” He shifted in his seat, leaning his elbow over his knees, “see, if you feel like this will put you in a spot, say no. I mean it. I don't want to ruin what you have with her.”
You tapped your fingers on the counter, thinking about his words, “good to know you're being this considerate, I do appreciate no mess.” He smiled, looking towards the whiteboard filled with various procedures and protocols before he looked back at you, “so?” He questioned, voice getting softer, “will you think about it? I don't need your answer right now, take your time. If you think this is a bad idea, tell me that, or maybe if you feel I should do something differently, tell me that too.”
You looked at him for a while, the way he still fiddled with the wrapper to hide his nervousness, the way he kept avoiding your gaze but still decided to get vulnerable and talk about his feelings with you, something inside you shifted. “I'll think about it and tell you soon,” you found yourself saying before you could form any mental decision over it but you also realized you didn't mind the idea at all. He straightened up, sighing in relief, “okay, thanks.”
You grabbed the last candy and placed it on his palm after taking away the wrapper from his hand. He looked at it for a while before he grinned at you, “shouldn't I be the one to give you something? Like payment in advance?” You laughed, keeping the wrapper in your bag, “you can do that if I agree to help you.” He hummed as he kept the candy in his pocket, “okay, as much as I hate to say this, but thanks for being there for her, at least she's comfortable fully somewhere. She laughs a lot with you.”
You shrugged, like his words didn't make your chest tighten a bit, “what can I say, I'm funny.” He shook his head in amusement but didn't disagree. He got up, giving you one last glance before he made his way out of your lab. The sound of his footsteps echoed down the hallway and you cleaned your work space and checked everything in the room before you grabbed your bag, locking the lab door behind you as you made your own way towards your apartment.
*******
“Should I attach the fairy lights above my headboard or ceiling?” Ella questioned as she scrolled through her Pinterest moodboard while you were sitting on her bedroom floor, untangling the wires of the said fairy lights. It was Sunday afternoon, the sunlight spilled through her window and enveloped the room in its warmth. She had invited you to hang out and both of you got bored so you decided to decorate her room a bit. “Umm,” you thought as you grimaced at a stubborn knot that refused to untangle, “headboard would be nice, easy to place, easy to take off.”
You heard her hum in agreement as she sat down in front of you, helping with the rest of the lights. Both of you had done quite a good job rearranging some of her furniture and you liked the way her room had more space than it did before. “Alright, let's get started with the final decoration,” she declared as you grabbed a pair of scissors and double sided tape to help her. She adjusted the lights on the walls, taping it, while you gave her directions and cut the tape for her. When you both were done, she heaved a sigh, looking at you proudly as you leaned against her shoulder, “this turned out to be better than I imagined.
You were sitting on the edge of her bed while she was slumped against her chair, both of you mindlessly scrolling through your phones after eating snacks together. You looked at her for a while before you reached for your bag and pulled out the photo frame you had made. It was a picture of you and her, on the train station, smiling brightly as both of you held your soda cans as if they were trophies. You got up and put the frame on the desk, face down, beside her. She looked at you confused as you made your way back towards the bed.
“Souvenir,” you shrugged as she gave you a skeptical look before taking the frame in her hands. “Oh my god, you did not just frame this ridiculous picture of us together, I look like an idiot,” she exclaimed but there was a huge smile plastered on her face. You grinned back, “that was the whole point, plus I look like an idiot too.” She rolled her eyes at your remark, “you're corny.” You hummed, leaning against her headboard, “corny and thoughtful I would say.” She shook her head but neatly placed the frame on her desk, right beside where her and Heeseung's photo frame was placed.
“Is that you and Heeseung?” You questioned and Ella stayed silent for a moment before nodding her head. “You guys looked so small there, I've never seen Heeseung like that,” you remarked, leaning a bit closer to have a clear look. Ella chuckled, adjusting both the photo frames, eyes lingering towards Heeseung's picture for a second too long, “this was taken on my last night here. I was so excited about going to London that I didn't think how lonely it would feel without him being there.”
You watched the way her eyes kept flickering back towards the photo frame, “you two were close, that was meant to happen.” Ella nodded, resting her hand on her desk, “yeah, I mean we had known each other since forever, he was always there for me. I guess I never realized how much I was dependent on him until I couldn't just walk over to his house or text him to be at mine.” You tilted your head as you looked at her, “did you tell him that?” She turned her head to look at you, a small chuckle escaping her lips, “what? No. Heeseung and I, we don't do that, we don't talk about feelings like that. We used to tease each other a lot, we joked around a lot but the real stuff? It always stayed in silence.”
“Sometimes silence says more than words,” you shrugged, and she nodded, “maybe that's true, but the silence kept getting bigger, and I don't know if words can even fill them anymore.” You got up from the bed and made your way towards the photo frame. You reached for it, gently tracing the edges, “you can always try again, people just don't stop mattering you know?” She gave you a tight smile, but her eyes stayed far away. “He still hates coffee, I can't function without it anymore. He's still the same Heeseung but I don't feel like my high-school self anymore. I guess we grew in different directions.”
She didn't look at you after that, and you took it as your sign to not press the matter further. You put the frame back to where it was before, in its exact place. It was obvious, the way both of them were trying to be strong for the other in that photo, the way they smiled but it didn't quite reach their eyes.
You felt a weird tug at your heart, so you forced yourself to tear your eyes away from it. You diverged the conversation to a different topic, picking up the easy going vibe that both of you had settled earlier but somewhere at the back of your mind, her words lingered. Maybe helping Heeseung get closer to her wouldn't just be good for him, maybe it could be good for her too.
*******
“Guys,” Jake wiggled his eyebrows as he got up from his seat, “guess who I saw at the campus cafe today.” Hyphenix were currently inside their music room, done with their rehearsal of the day, ready to head out. Jay shook his head, keeping his guitar inside the case, “hopefully not another poor soul you found cute.” Jake frowned, crossing his arms across his chest, “what do you mean poor soul? Also, it's not about that. I saw Ella and Heeseung together, drinking coffee, just the two of them.” All eyes turned towards Heeseung who was already making his way towards the door, but stopped.
Sunghoon smirked as Heeseung turned back towards them, “ohh so the plan had already begun.” Jay walked up to Jake, slinging an arm over his shoulders while looking at Heeseung, “so Mr. First Love, is the plan working so far?” Heeseung pretended to look anywhere else, avoiding their gazes, “her classmate hasn't given me her answer yet, there's no plan for now.” Sunghoon nudged his shoulder against Heeseung's, “and what if she says no, gonna give up?” Heeseung frowned, “no? Why would I give up on her? I'll find another way.” His ears turned red as soon as he realized the weight of his words and others shared cheeky smiles between them.
Jake shook his head, controlling his laughter, “okay but it is so entertaining to watch Heeseung now, I saw him fixing his hair before entering the cafe you know?” Heeseung's eyes widened and he lunged towards to kick Jake in the ass, “I was just fixing my messy hair.” Sunghoon laughed, finding the sight amusing, “sure Heeseung, whether you were fixing your hair because it was messy or because of a certain Missy, it is indeed entertaining to watch you.” Heeseung huffed a breath, as others chuckled at the banter. Eventually, after calming down, all of them made their way out of the music room, bidding each other goodbye.
You were making your way towards the music room when you came across Jake, almost bumping into him. “Easy there, trouble.” You rolled your eyes, “done with your rehearsals?” He nodded, “what brought you here?” You frowned, eyes darting towards the closed door of the music room, “so everyone just left?” He followed your line of vision before he turned back to you, “yes, were you waiting for someone?” He smirked as he leaned down a bit to whisper, “let me tell you one thing, in Hyphenix, other than me, everyone else is booked. So your stalking attempts are futile.”
You pursed your lips together, crossing your arms across your chest, “only you are single? I can understand.” His mouth parted in disbelief, “what do you mean you can understand?” You shrugged, adjusting your bag on your shoulder, “I mean, who would date a crybaby.” Jake's eyes widened, “crybaby? I'm not a crybaby!” You hummed impatiently, “and I'm not trouble.” He opened his mouth to retort but stopped, “you said all of that just so you could tell me to not call you trouble?”
You gave him a tight smile, “exactly, I prefer playing long games.” He exhaled a long breath before a genuine smile etched upon his lips, “I saw Heeseung making his way towards the locker room.” You nodded, as he pointed towards the hallway that led towards the locker room. You smirked as you watched him before you pulled his ear, “thanks for telling crybaby.” He rubbed his ear as he watched you walk in the direction of the locker room, “such a trouble.”
You peeked inside the locker rooms, noticing that not many students were present inside. You made your way inside, scanning through the numerous aisles to see if you could spot Heeseung. You exhaled when you finally spotted him in front of his locker, at the far end. “Are you stalking me now?” He smirked, not even looking at you as he shut his locker off. You rolled your eyes, leaning against the lockers, “in your dreams.” Heeseung chuckled, turning to look at you, “don't you have a class to attend?” His question caught you off guard, “my class?” You pointed towards yourself and he nodded, “hmm it got cancelled but how do you know about that?”
“Ella told me,” He shrugged and you hummed, of course, he and Ella are close friends, he likes Ella, he would know about her schedules. “Right, lovesick puppy.” He narrowed his eyes at you, “I'm not a lovesick puppy.” You nodded, “hmm lovesick hamster maybe?” He groaned, dragging his hand down his face, “you aren't gonna let me live, are you?” You shrugged, biting back a smile, “no, not when you're this entertaining.” He rolled his eyes, stepping closer when you straightened up, “anyways, I came here to say that I thought about your request and I decided that I'll help you, with Ella.”
His expressions softened, and you rolled your eyes, “now you look more like a kicked puppy.” He ignored your comment and stood in front of you, “do you really mean it? You'll really help me?” You nodded, leaning your weight on your other leg, “why are you looking at me like that? You asked for my help, I agreed, I don't go back on my words, even if it's about hopeless cases.” He tilted his head, pointing his finger at you, "you, did you just call me hopeless? I'm not hopeless. I just need strategic guidance.”
“Strategic guidance?” You repeated, drawing out the words as if tasting them, “that's one way to say it.” He put his hands inside his pocket, raising his eyebrows, “so when do you think you'll be free enough to grace me with your divine presence and bestow this lost soul with your guidance?” You raised your eyebrows, “hmm how does Friday evening sound?” You watched him think for a while before he shrugged, “sounds good.” You nodded as you dug into your bag, pulling out a candy and handing it to him.
He looked at you, then at the candy in your hand before blinking twice in confusion. “What's this for?” He questioned. “For truce,” you shrugged as you walked back towards the door, “you'll need it.” He laughed, walking alongside you, “thanks? I guess? This is the weirdest partnership I've ever been a part of.” You rolled your eyes, “get used to it.” You waved at him as you turned away to walk towards your building.
*******
You cleared your throat, adjusting your posture before you rang the doorbell to Heeseung's apartment. You counted exactly three when the door opened and he appeared in front of you, a lazy smile on his face. He stepped aside, and you walked in, feeling a bit awkward since it was the first time you and him were alone like this. “Have a seat, I'll bring some snacks and drinks,” Heeseung informed as he disappeared inside his house and you made your way towards his living room.
He kept some snacks and drinks on the coffee table before he switched on the TV, somehow managing to not say a single word while doing so. You leaned against the couch, eyes trained on him as he roamed around the room setting the vibes. He finally sat on the other end of the couch, and you sighed, “are you ready princess?” He turned his head towards you, eyebrows creasing, “did you just call me princess? Princess?” You shrugged, “how does pookie sound?” He shook his head, pursing his lips. “Okay Pancake is it,” you declared as you reached for the snacks.
“I reject that one too,” he muttered as he grabbed the drink. “I wasn't asking you this time around Pancake,” you retorted. He opened his mouth to say something but you cut him off, “so what do you have in mind?” His eyes widened, “huh? We are directly jumping into it?” You rolled your eyes, “now what did you expect we cuddle first?” He stuttered, mumbling choruses of no while frantically waving his hands. You chuckled before looking around his living room, “where's your laptop?” He tilted his head, “in my room.” You nodded before getting up and making your way towards his room.
His head followed your movements before he stopped you, “we are going to my room? What about the drinks and snacks?” You looked back at him then towards the snacks and drinks he meticulously brought, “well they aren't going to walk by themselves so of course you'll bring them to your room right?” He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened it, you were gone. He groaned, switching the TV off and gathering everything before making his way towards his bedroom. “If you were planning on doing all the planning inside my room, could've just said so,” he complained as he placed everything on the floor.
You hummed, making yourself comfortable by leaning against the edge of his bed, on the floor, “should've asked first.” He sighed before sitting adjacent to you, opening his laptop and turning it towards you. “Hmm I was thinking,” you started, taking the tissue and wiping your fingers, “how about we start everything with something which isn't quite a date but also a date?” He tilted his head, “like a coffee date?” You shook your head, “no there would be other people too, it needs to be more intimate so that both of you would have some space to converse properly.”
“What do you suggest?” He questioned and you thought for a while before sighing, “how about a cozy movie night? Just the two of you.” He nodded as you showed him pictures on the Pinterest, “you can put up some warm lights on, and a movie both of you would enjoy, then have some dinner together.” He pointed at the pictures which he liked, “yes, I can make some pillow forts for maximum comfort.” You looked at him, nodding in agreement, “we can also make some playlist together which you can play during dinner to set the whole vibe.” His eyes lit up, “oh we can do that!”
“Then let's make a playlist together,” you suggested, taking the laptop on your lap and he slid beside you, leaning towards the screen. “Shall we look at your playlist first?” You questioned as waited for him to give you a signal, he hummed, one arm draped over the bed behind you as he watched you move. “Okay,” you leaned closer towards the screen, “we absolutely aren't adding this one.” He squinted his eyes, looking at you, “why not? That's a classic.” You clicked your tongue, “it's tragic, not cozy.” Then he pointed at another track, which you didn't add, “we aren't playing The Weeknd on a cozy date, that's literally illegal.”
He removed his hand from behind, turning his whole body towards you, “what? Why not?” You sighed, running your hand through your hair, “because Ella doesn't listen to his music. She'll reject you before even confessing, don't give her an ick.” His eyes were focused on the screen, but his lips twitched a bit, “you keep on rejecting my suggestions, you like dictatorship.” You gave him a side eye, “I keep rejecting because your music taste is completely different than Ella. I just don't want it to clash on the date.” He slowly hummed, finally looking in your eyes, “but my music taste isn't bad right?” You looked at him for a while before you gave him a small smile, “it's good, just not Ella's taste.”
“Is it your taste?” He questioned and your fingers hovered over the keyboard, eyes scanning down the list of songs that he had added in his personal playlist, “hmm you can say that.” You then looked at him, “my music taste is very vast though.” After that, both of you somehow managed to create a whole playlist without much fight. “More than half of this playlist is filled with your suggested songs,” he exclaimed and you rolled your eyes, “well do you know about Ella's taste in music? No right? If you did, then this playlist would have been filled with your suggestions instead, Pancake.”
Doubt crept in your head when all you heard was silence after you said that and you turned to look at him to check if you crossed your limits when he smacked a pillow on your shoulder. Your eyes widened in surprise and you got up, keeping the laptop aside, and taking another pillow and throwing it right at his face. “Yah, your assault was uncalled for!” You yelled as you smacked him once again. He crouched down, easily snatching the pillow from your hand and threw it away, “you slandered me first, I'm wounded and so is my pride.”
You rolled your eyes, a soft giggle escaping your lips as you reached out to take the laptop in your hand as you stood in the middle of his room. You glanced towards him, and he was already looking at you and for a moment you felt a weird coil twist inside your gut. You cleared your throat, making your way towards the bed, sitting beside him. Both of your legs perched on the floor, mimicking his position. “Okay so now that the playlist is done, let's see what movies you could suggest to her,” you spoke, avoiding his eyes.
You balanced his laptop in the air with one hand as you typed with the other to look for movie suggestions. “This one looks good-” Heeseung leaned in, trying to show you a movie you scrolled past by reaching towards the screen at the exact same time your grip shifted. “Heeseung!” You squeaked, fumbling to grab the laptop with your other hand. He panicked too, his hand darting under yours. His palm pressed against the back of your hand, steadying the laptop in one move.
The laptop was saved, but you could feel your fingers trembling beneath his warm ones. His fingers pressed against yours, barely curling, spreading warmth all throughout your body. “Careful,” he whispered and suddenly you realized he was way closer to you than you imagined, his breath fanning against your ears. You turned your head to look at him, for a while he didn't move his hand, and you didn't make any effort to pull away either. “It's okay, let's get done with this quickly, it's getting too dark,” you mumbled hastily as you removed your hand, breaking the moment completely.
*******
‘All the best, Pancake.’ Your voice lingered in his mind as he waited for Ella to show up. He looked at the time, nervously checking his reflection in the mirror. He wasn't sure why he was feeling so uneasy because movie nights were common between them. He received the takeout when Ella informed him that she'll be leaving for his house and it arrived just in time. He put the takeout on the kitchen counter when his doorbell rang and opened the door.
“Hi,” Ella smiled, shrugging off her coat as Heeseung closed the door behind her. They made their way inside the living room, pillows and blankets kept neatly on the couch for maximum comfort. “So?” Ella mumbled as she made herself comfortable on the couch, “no one else is coming?” Heeseung shook his head, still standing near the living room entrance, “nope. Jake is busy today, Jay is with Mia, and Sunghoon had a dinner planned with Reene’s family.”
Ella nodded, looking around his living room, “guess it's just the two of us then.” He nodded. “Just us, wait here, I'll bring drinks and food from the kitchen,” he called out as he disappeared inside the kitchen. Ella hummed, though she knew he couldn't hear it when a particular song started playing. She sat still against the couch, clutching the blanket tighter before reaching towards his phone to change the song. Heeseung came back with his hands full of takeout boxes he ordered earlier. “Hee? Wow, these are all my favorites!” Heeseung smiled at her as he settled on the couch, sitting not too close but not far either. Another soft song played from Heeseung's speakers as he pushed some food towards her.
“You really went all out huh?” Ella teased, opening her chopsticks, “a playlist playing in the background, with my favorite food on the table, soft blankets and cozy vibes. Since when did you start making such efforts?” Heeseung shrugged, taking a bite from his plate to hide the grin on his face, “you would've gotten this special treatment long ago if you hadn't moved to London, but since now you're here, I just want to make it worth the while.” Ella chuckled, “don't make me so important, I'm here for a short while.”
Heeseung hummed, “that doesn't mean you aren't worth the effort.” Ella paused, chopsticks hovering mid air as she looked at Heeseung who just smiled at her as he spoke, “it's good to have you back.” For a moment, her eyes softened but then she looked at her own plate, twirling her noodles, “it's good to be here, even if it's for a little while.” Heeseung frowned, tilting his head, “you keep mentioning about going back while I'm trying to live in the present El.” She looked at him, her chest tightening, “I'm just stating the obvious, Hee.”
After finishing the food, Ella threw the empty boxes in the trash bin while Heeseung put on a movie. Both of them settled back on the couch, the silence between them filled by the sound of the movie. Heeseung glanced at her from time to time as she shifted in her place. Heeseung wondered what was going on inside her head because he knew, in the past, she would've leaned her head on his shoulder by that point. Like it was her second nature, but this time, she just leaned against the armrest, unconsciously leaning a bit away instead.
He cleared his throat, trying to avoid the way her simple action had stung, “so you remember Ms. Bae? The one who made us all redo our assignments because she wanted the whole class to use only one standard font?” Ella groaned, internally thankful with the shift of conversation, “don't remind me, she made me redo that again because my font size wasn't ideal either. I still get nightmares from that.” Heeseung chuckled, remembering the incident very well and how she had cried in his arms for 10 minutes straight, “she hated everyone, though I think she hated you a bit more but I think it's only because your assignment was top tier.”
Ella shook her head, pulling her knees up her chest, “maybe yes. She always yelled at me ‘to stick to school's syllabus only and not to do extra research to appear smart and seek attention’ like why would I even do that?” Heeseung hummed, looking towards the screen, “she was jealous of how smart you were, nothing else.” She nodded, paying attention towards the movie again when Heeseung spoke again, “well if it makes you feel any better, she was kicked out of the school a few years ago because a student filed a complaint against her for mental harassment. She is unemployed till now.”
“Oh my god, are you serious?” Ella turned towards him, a wide excited smile etching up on her lips. Heeseung thought her smile looked brighter this time, almost the way he remembered. Heeseung wouldn't say it out loud, but he noticed. He always noticed things. He noticed the way she didn't initiate hugs anymore, how she changed the song which she declared was their song as soon as it played from his playlist, and how she didn't lean against him anymore.
Heeseung tried his best to not let his feelings overwhelm him. He cracked jokes, laughed at stupid things the movie characters did, and rolled his eyes when Ella cracked a terrible joke. He knew something had changed, but he couldn't bring himself to ask her that. But despite her guarded self, as he watched her concentrate on the movie, soft, calm, and kind, the person who he had declared as his favorite in his middle school, he knew he still wanted to try.
*******
Heeseung was walking towards his car when he spotted you standing a few feet away, in front of a mini garden. His legs led him towards you without a second thought, “why are you squinting at those poor plants like that?” You flinched, placing a hand on your chest. You were still wearing your lab coat, and the purple colored gloves, “I'm not squinting at them, the lab assistant told me our campus has the plant that I need for our mini project. I'm just trying to find it.” Heeseung nodded solemnly, leaning his weight on his other leg, “is it necessary to find it today? It's almost evening now.”
You shrugged, placing your hand inside your pockets as you looked at the plants, “evening yeah, but the experiments never stop. I don't remember the last time I went home early.” Heeseung looked at you as you tried to blow the hair off your face, “that isn't healthy.” You turned to look at him, “I know, but the protocols for these procedures are tedious and it requires precision. If I'm even an hour late, I'll get a completely different result than the desired one.” He nodded before reaching out to tuck your hair behind your ear, you looked at him, eyes wide while he stepped back, casually, “it was bugging me so I fixed it.”
You cleared your throat, trying to avoid his gaze when your eyes fell upon the very plant you were trying to find, “oh there it is!” You grinned, reaching out and carefully cutting a small portion for your experiment. “See,” you excitedly waved it in front of him and he laughed, “this is the best thing that has happened to me today!” An amused chuckle left his lips as he watched you examine the plant, “seriously? Finding a plant?” You rolled your eyes, but your smile didn't flatter, “it's not just any plant! It's THE plant.”
“Sure thing,” he shook his head. You placed a candy in his hand before placing the plant inside a zip lock, “by the way how was your date with Ella?” Heeseung's smile flattered a bit but then he shrugged, “everything went fine but nothing special.” You hummed, “it will take some time, don't give up.” Heeseung adjusted his bag on his shoulder, “I won't give up.” You smiled at his words, looking at the zip lock, “I'll get going now, see you tomorrow!” Heeseung waved as you ran towards your building, his eyes then falling on to the candy in his hand, he scoffed softly before keeping it inside his pocket.
*******
The bell above the door chimed softly as Ella pushed it opened. The familiar scent of roasted coffee beans lingering in the air. Heeseung stood a step behind as Ella took in her surroundings, a little cafe tucked between two shops, one that had board games and books, the one she used to visit frequently with Heeseung. Her lips curled in excitement, “wow I forgot this place existed. Do you still come here?” Heeseung shoved his hands inside his pockets as he looked at her, “sometimes.”
Ella moved first, making herself comfortable on the table near the window. Heeseung's steps halted, eyes falling over the table at the far back corner of the cafe, their table, then towards the table Ella was sitting at. He made his way towards her and Ella smiled, looking around the cafe. Behind the counter, stood the cafe owner's daughter, now older, whose eyes widened in recognition. Ella gave her a small wave when she approached and Heeseung ordered two coffees.
They sat silently waiting for the owner's daughter to bring the order. Ella smiled at her, politely thanking as she took a sip of her coffee. Heeseung's eyes fell on the table again, “do you remember how we used to sit at that back table and play games?” Ella followed his gaze and for a moment, Heeseung could feel her eyes soften. She gave him a small smile, her voice light as he spoke , “I do, but I don't play games now.” Heeseung nodded, sipping his own coffee, “hmm, we were kids back then.”
Ella hummed in acknowledgement, “I remember you used to get so mad whenever I beat you and claim I cheated.” Heeseung rolled his eyes, leaning against the chair, “it's because you used to cheat.” She chuckled, shaking her head, but then her smile flattered when her phone buzzed. She unlocked it before typing something back, a small smile etched upon her face before she put the phone face down on the table. Heeseung sighed as he tore his eyes away from her phone and his eyes fell back on the back table.
He expected Ella to choose that table to sit, the table that had been sacred once, a safe space where they whispered secrets, discussed their futures plans, played games and shared inside jokes like nothing could get better than that. He gulped at the thought, his chest burning with quiet longing. “It's so strange, we used to wait for the table to get clear because you always insisted on sitting on the back table only,” Ella looked up to find him still gazing at the table. “Right, I was so stubborn as a kid, thank god I'm not like that anymore.”
Heeseung laughed, tearing his eyes off the table and looking into her eyes, “I guess yeah.” He took a slow sip of his coffee, the bitterness shifting his attention from his emotions for a bit. He let the silence stretch longer this time, his mind drifting back to how you had told him yesterday about her day off, how you suggested he take Ella to this cafe when he casually mentioned about visiting it frequently as a kid with her. A place that once belonged to him and Ella which now felt more like a distant memory he was trying to rewind.
*******
“I'm done for today, I'll meet you tomorrow!” You informed Ella as you packed your bag hurriedly. She chuckled, placing her elbow on her seat, “why are you in a hurry? Got places to be?” You chuckled with her, sliding the bag on your shoulder, your coat in your hand, “yeah! I need to meet a friend.” She nodded before gathering her own things, both of you exited the class, and she watched you run off before making her way towards the laboratory to continue with her experiment.
You looked at the clock on the wall before you hurried down the main staircase. You rushed past through the cluster of students, a few gave you a pointed look but they stepped aside as you pushed through. When you reached the entrance of the parking lot, you caught the sight of Heeseung's car pulling out of its spot. You placed yourself right in the middle, one hand on your hip while you raised the other and waved. Heeseung's headlight flashed over you before he braked, the car coming to a halt.
You exhaled in relief, a breathless grin tugging at your lips as you reached for the passenger's side of his car and motioned him to unlock the door. He gave you a pointed look before unlocking the car and you slid into the seat, placing your bag and coat on the backseat. “Were you planning on throwing yourself in front of my car?” Heeseung questioned as you put on your seatbelt. You shrugged, “if that's what it takes to get a ride, then maybe yeah.” Another car honked from behind and Heeseung rolled his eyes before pulling out of the campus.
“Your apartment is literally walking distance away, why do you need a ride?” Heeseung questioned and you shook your head, “who said I'm going to my apartment?” He looked at you briefly, a confused look plastered on his face, “you don't want to go home?” You sighed, “no, we are going to your apartment to plan for the next date.” Heeseung tilted his head but took a turn that led towards his apartment anyway. “Plan for the date? You didn't even ask me if I'm free today,” he mumbled as he drove.
“Well, are you free?” You questioned in a flat tone, looking out of the window. You heard him sigh, “yeah I am free.” You chuckled lightly, unlocking your phone to check some messages. “Are you laughing at me? I do have plans most of the time okay? It just happened to be a coincidence that I'm free today,” he defended. You looked at him, “sure Heeseung.” His lips formed a pout before he glared at you, “meanie.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I bumped into Mia and she informed me that there's no group hangout today so I figured you might be free,” you clarified as both of you reached his apartment. “You made me feel like a loner for a second,” he exclaimed as he put his hand on his chest. You rolled your eyes as he unlocked his door, “you? A loner? You literally have six different people who can hang out with you.” He frowned as you hung your coat, “six? Who did you leave out? Ella?”
You turned to face him, and gave him a deadpan look, “why are you excluding Ella? You have Jake, Jay, Sunghoon, Ella, Reene and Mia to hangout with Mr. Pancake. I'm not leaving anybody out.” Heeseung watched you place your bag at the foot of the couch before sitting down, “you.” Confused, you tilted your head at him, “me?” He nodded, sitting on the other side, “you are leaving yourself out. It's seven with you.”
You squinted your eyes at him, “I'm your friend? Didn't you approach me because you wanted to get together with my friend?” His eyes widened, “now that sounds very bad for my image if you put it like that.” You shrugged, “what image exactly? The image of you falling on your ass?” He pulled his hair, a groan leaving his throat, “you aren't going to let it go right?” You crossed your arms across your chest, “do I look like Elsa to you?” He pursed his lips, “that was a terrible joke.” You kicked his leg lightly, “wasn't joking.”
He leaned against the armrest, sighing, “whatever you say. And while I did approach you with an intention to get help, I thought we were good enough to be friends now, you know? You don't think of me as your friend?” You looked down, trying to hide the smile on your face before you looked at him, “friends? I don't know, are we friends? You don't even know anything about me.” He sat up straight, hands on his legs, giving you a very serious look, “well if that's the case, you don't know anything about me too.”
“Who said I don't? I know more about you than you know about me!” You said, giving him the same look. He thought for a minute, “well yeah, I guess you know more about me.” You just looked at him, blinking and he slumped against the couch, “okay, how about we get to know each other better then?” You sighed, “you don't look very excited to get to know me though.” He stood up in one swift motion, making his way towards you and crouched down on the floor beside you, resting his hands on his knees, “your highness, I am indeed very curious about you, would you like to give me a tiny glimpse of your life so that I can be eligible to be your friend?”
You rolled your eyes, shifting your body on the couch so that you are facing him, “now it sounds like I'm holding you at gunpoint to be my friend.” Heeseung sighed heavily, now shifting to sit cross legged on the floor, “woman, stop playing with me.” You shrugged, playing with the hem of your top, “I'm not playing with you.” He gave you a deadpan look before getting up and disappearing into the kitchen. When he came back, he was carrying a glass of juice, which he offered you. Thanking him, you made yourself comfortable on the couch as you scrolled through your phone.
“Pancake,” you murmured casually and to your surprise he just hummed. Your eyebrows furrowed and you peered through your lashes to find him scrolling through his own phone. You sighed, “well, I just wanted to tell you that there's a fair in the city and Ella was talking about going there, how about you take her there?” He looked at you, “city fair?” You narrowed your voice to his shaky voice, “why? You don't wanna go? I mean Ella has been talking about it ever since our classmates told her about it. I think she would love to go there.”
Heeseung looked at you for a while before he nodded, eyes falling back on his phone. You frowned, observing body language. Usually he would be excited for the dates but he seemed more reluctant but since he didn't outright reject the idea you didn't think much of it. “I think I'll go home now,” you informed him as you checked your phone. “Already?” He questioned but got up to grab his things. The drive to your apartment was silent, his playlist softly playing in the background as you hummed along it. Heeseung glanced at you, a small smile plastered on his face as he entered your neighborhood.
“Heeseung, look it's Ella,” you exclaimed as you leaned towards the car's window. Heeseung slowed down his car a bit, his eyes falling over Ella who was talking on the phone in her balcony. Her expressions were relaxed as she kept excitedly talking, one of her hands flailing in the air just how it does when she's super happy. “Nah, she's talking with someone and is busy right now, and she looks quite happy talking with the person, maybe some other time?” You turned to look at Heeseung before your eyes fell back on Ella, who was so invested in talking that she didn't even notice Heeseung's car.
You sighed, slumping against the passenger's seat as Heeseung sped up a bit, parking his car when your apartment building arrived. “Are you planning on going to see her now?” You questioned as you gathered your things, without looking at him. “What?” He asked, checking his reflection in the mirror. You took off your seatbelt and turned towards him, “Ella, you're going to see her now?” He frowned, turning to look at you, “I said she seemed busy, didn't I?”
“Yeah, but I thought you'd go to her after dropping me off,” you shrugged as you got out of the car. He followed suit, locking the door behind him as he approached you, taking your bag from your hand, “she'll explode on me if I keep on showing up everywhere.” You watched as he casually draped your bag on his shoulder. “Okay, sure. Why are you not in your car?” He narrowed his eyes at you, stepping closer, “because.” You raised your eyebrows as he started walking, “because?”
“Hmm, just because.” You followed his steps, walking side by side now when he spoke, “is there any convenience store nearby? I'm craving some ramyeon.” You hummed, giving him the benefit of the doubt. “Why are you always inside your lab though? Like I know Ella stays there for long too, but she stays late for maybe three days a week? You're always inside that damn lab,” he asked as both of you walked towards the store. You sighed, “yeah it depends on the subject we chose to have our projects on.”
“So you chose a harder subject?” He questioned as he reached out and gently tugged your wrist to pull you to the inside of the sidewalk. “Huh?” You wondered absentmindedly, the warmth of his hand still lingering lightly on your wrist even after he left it. You cleared your throat, “uh, not really. It isn't necessarily hard but requires more time and effort as compared to other subjects of biotech.” He hummed, walking down the aisle of the store to grab two cups of ramyeon.
You waited by the table placed at a corner of the store as Heeseung paid and prepared the instant ramyeon. You smiled, mumbling a quiet thank you as he offered you one up as he settled on the chair in front of you. “So,” he started, letting the ramyeon cool for a bit, “you were working with some plant the last time I saw you, how's that going? Is that the project you are working on?” Your eyes widened in surprise that he remembered, “no, the plant thing was for the experiments we all had to conduct as a part of the syllabus. That's not the project I'm working on.”
He nodded, blowing off the steam and taking a bite, “what project are you working on then?” You exhaled, putting your chopsticks down, “well, aside from the mandatory experiments, the professors also conduct in house projects in collaboration with various companies, hospitals or laboratories. So the project I'm working on is in collaboration with CarePoint Hospital for early detection of oral cancer.” He raised his eyebrows, “oral cancer diagnosis? How exactly are you planning to achieve that?”
Heeseung watched the way your back straightened as soon as the question left his mouth, the way you leaned your elbows against the table and the way your eyes gleamed. You exhaled, “I'll try to break it down for you in an easier and quicker way.” He nodded, sliding the cups of ramyeon to the side. You smiled at him, “so there's this acidic sugar in our body called sialic acid, it helps with cell to cell recognition, immune response and invasiveness. Studies have shown that during oral cancer, the concentration of sialic acid increases in the saliva.”
“Oh so you are planning on using sialic acid to detect oral cancer?” He asked and you nodded, “Concentration of sialic acid is very high during early stages of oral cancer, so if we are successful, we can detect oral cancer early and prevent it from spreading further. For that I'm trying to build a standard protocol which is quick and easy to handle.” He leaned back against the chair, “wow, that doesn't sound easy.” You nodded, pouting a bit, “it isn't easy, I can't frequently ask for a patient's sample so I use animal cell culture techniques to cultivate cancerous cells in the laboratory and experiment on it first and then occasionally work on the patient's sample.”
“Why did you choose this topic though?” He questioned, and you relaxed a bit, eyes wandering out of the store. “My grandpa was diagnosed with oral cancer and we didn't learn about that till it was too late. Although it was taken care of, it still impacted him very deeply and lowered his standard of living,” you sighed. You turned your head back towards him, “I witnessed it all and I subconsciously decided I wanted to do something about it so I started researching and I found out about projects conducted by CarePoint Hospital and here I am I guess.”
Heeseung's hands slid across the table, his fingers brushing lightly over your knuckles before he gave your hand a gentle squeeze, “you're doing amazing.” You smiled, eyes falling over the way his hand swallowed yours before you pulled back, “I know right? I'm cool like that.” He rolled his eyes, grabbing the cups and throwing them in the trashbin before you both got out of the store.
The two of you slowly walked back towards your apartment. He still insisted on carrying your bag, which was slung over his shoulder as he talked about his recent shows with Hyphenix. You listened with great concentration, eyes frequently falling over the way his eyes lit up as he talked about his friends and rehearsals. You knew he was a good singer, you had listened to him sing countless times before but there was something about his voice when he talked that felt like a siren call and you were just a poor human hypnotized by him.
“Are you listening to me?” Heeseung snapped his hands before your eyes, snapping you out of the trance. You flinched, stuttering over your words, “umm, nothing I was just thinking.” He tilted his head, a lazily smirk etching up on his face, “about what?” You cleared your throat, “my…..um my project! Yes, project!” He chuckled lightly, “if you say so.” You could feel your face heat up and you were about to retort back to him when your foot caught the uneven edge of the pavement.
Your balance tilted but Heeseung caught you just in time, hands wrapping steadily around your elbow and lower back. Your heartbeat quickened as you held onto his jacket before straightening up. “Are you alright?” He questioned, eyes round with concern as he looked at you. “Yes,” you nodded. He stepped closer, close enough that you had to tilt your head up to look at him. He reached up, knuckles brushing against your cheek as he tucked your hair behind your ear. “It was bugging me a little,” he whispered after fixing your hair and stepping back. You felt your face heat up as you looked around to avoid his gaze.
“Um, I think you should go,” you exclaimed, snatching your bag from his hand. “It's getting too late,” you smiled as you pointed your finger towards his car. He just looked at you, weight leaning on one leg while a lazy smirk adorned his face. You pushed him towards his car, and you were thankful he didn't resist much, “you have to plan a DATE with ELLA, you need to ask her out for your DATE first. I'm pretty sure you need to do a lot of preparation for it. All the best and good night.” You stopped when he finally reached his car then waved frantically, he just chuckled, shaking his head as he slid into his car, “goodnight to you too.”
*******
You were focused on your notes, writing down important points to remember before your next class when you heard Ella call your name. You looked around to find her waving from the door, “come here for a second please?” A few students glanced in your direction as you closed your books and made your way out of the class. Ella stood just outside the classroom, a smile plastered over her face as she held your hand to drag you out faster. Your steps slowed down when you spotted Heeseung standing near, looking at you, or Ella.
Ella leaned closer, both of her hands holding yours, “so, Heeseung just asked me if I'd go to the city fair with him.” You raised your eyebrows in mock surprise, a smile adorning your face, “oh did he? You were talking about going there nonstop, you should go!” She grinned, “I am going.” Her eyes then found Heeseung's before falling back on you, “and you're coming with us.” You panicked as soon as those words left her mouth and you felt your heart skip a beat, “no, I can't come, what will I do there? I don't want to intrude.”
“You're not intruding,” she dismissed, dragging you towards Heeseung, “it will be more fun if she'll come with us, right Hee?” She asked, looking towards him. You shook your head before he could speak, “no Ella, I am saying this seriously, you two should go.” Ella's smile flattered, “why are you saying no? I would love to go there with both of you, I don't know when I'll even get a chance to do that again.” Your heart stuttered at her dejected tone. “You're coming with us,” Heeseung's voice broke through the air and you narrowed your eyes at him but he was looking at Ella.
Her smile lit up at Heeseung's words and she turned towards you, “see? Even Heeseung is saying so please don't say no.” You looked at both of them once before sighing, “okay, I'll come. But it's mostly because you aren't taking no for an answer.” Her grin softened into something warmer, she squeezed your arm, “thank you, I just want to spend more time with you before I go back to London, so please let me be obnoxious about it.” She then looked at Heeseung, “she's in.” Heeseung's eyes finally brushed past Ella's and met yours for the first time since Ella dragged you out of the class.
He tilted his head, a small smile gracing upon his lips, “alright then.” Ella bid him goodbye as she spotted the professor making his way towards the classroom, urging you to follow her. You followed her before turning back to look at Heeseung who was still standing on the same spot. You stepped back towards him, pulling him a bit down by the sleeve of his hoodie, “don't worry, I'll make an excuse and leave the fair early so you'll get some alone time with her okay? I couldn't say no to her on the spot.”
You didn't wait for his answer and ran inside the class without looking back while Heeseung stood still in the hallway, his eyes lingering on you for a second longer than necessary. He straightened up, clearing his throat as he looked around the now empty hallway before making his way towards his own class. His mind swirling with different thoughts about Ella and you.
*******
The weekend arrived more quickly than you imagined and you found yourself knocking on Ella's door. The late afternoon sun casted a warm glow over the city. You waited patiently for Ella to answer. As soon as the door opened, you found Ella clutching the doorframe with one hand while her other hand was draped over her stomach, a pinched expression plastered on her face. You frowned, “are you okay?” She tried to smile but ended up wincing instead, “not really. My period came early, and it's hurting way more than it should've. I don't think I can make it tonight.”
“What? Why didn't you tell me then? I would've dropped by with some snacks,” you murmured while removing her hair from her face. She shook her head, “it literally came just half an hour ago.” You sighed, massaging your head, “so you are cancelling.” She nodded about to say something when her eyes darted over your shoulder and you heard footsteps approaching you, “I was about to speak of the devil.” You heard her mumble and turned around to follow her gaze as Heeseung's eyes narrowed as he noticed Ella's appearance.
“What happened? Why aren't you ready?” Concern flickered over his face as he stopped right beside you. “About that,” Ella sighed as she looked at him, “change of plans, I can't go. I got my periods and it's bad.” Heeseung frowned, “do you need any help with that?” She shook her head no, “I'll be fine, I just need some rest but since both of you are here, how about you two just go without me?” Your eyes widened, “Ella.” She stepped back inside the apartment, “have fun guys, and don't forget to send me pictures. Don't cancel just because I did, please.”
The door slammed shut after she said that and you were left standing in the hallway with Heeseung with your mouth half opened because she didn't give you any time to respond. You both stared at the closed door before you shifted your weight, eyes hesitantly drifting towards Heeseung, “I know this is very disappointing, but we don't have to go, we can cancel it.” He exhaled softly before turning to look at you, “she is right, we are already dressed up so might as well make the best of it.”
You thought for a while and he didn't rush you. So you swallowed, nodding. “We can go then,” you gave him a small smile. His shoulders relaxed a bit, and he nodded his head in the direction of his car, “alright then, let's go?” You nodded as you fell into steps beside him, your heart beating abnormally faster than it regularly did. He opened his car door for you and you slid inside. He started the car, filling the silence between you with music as he drove towards the city fair.
You remove your seatbelt after Heeseung parked the car and he opened the car's door for you to get out. You thanked him before both of you started walking. The walk towards the fair felt longer than it should have and you sighed, “this wasn't supposed to end like this.” You heard him hum, hands deep inside his pocket as he walked beside you, “you're right, but I don't think Ella was the only one who was excited for this.” You looked towards him in confusion and his lips twitched, “come on, let's just enjoy. I would like to believe you'll be a pleasant company to have.”
“That depends,” he rolled his eyes as you teased, “are you a pleasant company to have?” The awkwardness in between you dulls down when you step inside. The fair is just how you expected, loud. The air buzzed with people playing games, children's laughter and shrieks from people riding the rides. Till the time you are soaking up the sight Heeseung brought two tickets without asking. “Souvenir,” he chirped as he waved the ticket in front of your face.
You grabbed the ticket from his hand and he grabbed your arm and pulled you beneath a lantern. You eyed him as he took out his phone from his pockets, opening the camera. You smirked but positioned yourself beside him anyway, “is this another souvenir of yours?” You questioned and he shrugged. The first pic he clicked was awkward but he made a comment about how constipated you both looked that it pulled out a genuine laugh from you. In the next pic, both of you had genuine smiles plastered on your face with your tickets in your hand.
Both of you walked around the fair, playing stupid games just for the laughter. He even won a small deer keychain and hooked it on your bag like it was his second nature. Your chest tightened at the gesture and you brought a matching keychain from another shop and gifted him. “Should we go on a ride?” You wondered, eyes twinkling in excitement as you stood near the Rollercoaster ride. He looked at you, a bit hesitant, “you wanna go?”
You nodded excitedly. You moved a few steps ahead to get the tickets when you noticed Heeseung looking towards the ride and you softly called his name. He looked at you as you stepped towards him, “are you sure you want to go?” He narrowed his eyes at you but nodded, “of course, why wouldn't I be sure?” You tilted your head, doubt creeping in, “Heeseung, we don't have to go.” He walked over to the ticket counter, paying for two tickets. “I'm fine,” he insisted, already handing over the tickets.
You dragged him towards the middle section of the coaster, still a bit skeptical over his attitude. After making sure you were settled in your seats, the rider started the coaster. It jolted forward, a bit slow at first. You glanced at him instinctively, and noticed the way he gripped on the safety bar tightly, knuckles going white. “Heeseung,” you called out softly, one of your hands sliding to squeeze his wrist in reassurance.
He turned his head to look at you and before you could speak anything further, the ride reached its highest point, then came the drop, sudden and brutal. And that's when Heeseung's facade crumbled and he buried his head on your neck. One of his hands slid across your waist, gripping it tight like you were the only thing anchoring him. Your heart stuttered, more for him than the proximity. Without thinking, your hand reached up to thread your fingers in his hair and your other hand clutched his forearm.
“It's okay,” you whispered, “I've got you.” He didn't reply but you felt his grip only tightened after your words. The rest of the ride was a blur of sharp turns and people screaming around you, yet the only thing you were hyperaware of was his body pressed against yours, trembling lightly. The ride slowed down and finally stopped, and the chatter of the fair, and flashing lights returned. He pulled away, and you took in his appearance. Messy hair, ears flushed red.
You stepped out of the ride and offered him your hand, which he grabbed instantly without much protest. You guided him near a bench, your hand holding his until he settled on the seat. He sighed as he leaned forward, elbow resting on his knees like he was trying to ground himself. You crouched down to meet his eyes, “you're sweating.” He let out a shaky breath, “I didn't think it was that high.” You ignored his words and reached for your purse to pull out a tissue.
You gently dabbed the tissue against his forehead and cheeks, and you felt him stiffened under your touch. His eyes flickered over yours but he didn't pull away, he just sighed, unconsciously leaning into your hand. “Stay here,” you mumbled, voice lower than you meant to, “I'll grab some water for you.” Before he could say anything, you were walking away towards the nearest stall. When you were walking back towards him, you noticed two older ladies talking to him. You slowed down a bit.
“The rides can be scary,” one of them said with a warm smile, “but they get less scarier when you have someone by your side to take care of you.” The other lady nodded along, “you have such a caring girlfriend, hold onto her tight.” Your grip on the water bottle tightened. Heeseung blinked at them, his face contouring with confusion and lips parting as if to correct them but then he didn't. “Yeah,” you watched him nod instead, “she's the best, always so helpful.”
You swallowed before making your way towards him, handing him the water bottle. The two women smiled at each other before they looked at you. “The two of them are very sweet together,” one of them said and then they giggled as they moved along the crowd, leaving you alone with him. You sat beside him, and for a long time neither of you spoke. The fair was still alive, filled with chatter and occasional yelling of the vendors.
“Thanks,” Heeseung mumbled as he unscrew the cap and took a sip from the bottle. He then looked at you, “for the water, for everything else.” He kept the bottle in between you, still holding onto it, closer to your hand. You nodded, not trusting your voice. “Shall we go?” He asked quietly and you stood up, holding your palm up in front of him. He blinked up at you, “I think I can walk just fine.” He still held your hand as you walked back towards his car.
“Your keys,” you said as you both reached his car. “What?” He questioned. “Give me your keys, you can walk just fine but it will be safer if I drive,” you didn't say anything further, just held up your palm again and he sighed before handing you the keys. As you drove back towards his house, the silence between you wasn't because of awkwardness anymore. It was heavy with something else. You could still feel the warmth of his hand on your waist, the way his breath fanned against your neck and with the way he kept on glancing, you knew you weren't the only one thinking about it.
*******
“How the hell am I supposed to complete this assignment in one week? So ridiculous,” you grumbled as you researched your recent assignment. Your eyes ached and your hand trembled a bit as you kept on working, despite it getting late. You stopped for a while, placing your head on the desk when a knock startled you. Standing up, you made your way towards the door and opened it to find Heeseung pushing the door further, holding a takeout bag in his hand as he slipped off his jacket and shoes.
“What are you doing here?” You questioned as you took the bag from his hand and placed it on the counter. He shrugged, “you texted that you were drowning in your assignments so I brought a little life boat in the form of food and soda.” Your eyes widened in surprise as he sat on your couch, “you brought me food?” He nodded, “technically I brought us food but it looks like you need it more.” He reached for a can of soda and opened it, “also, you forget to eat when you're stressed so I thought this was a good idea.”
“Thanks,” you mumbled as you sat beside him, “you went on a date with Ella today right? How did it go?” His smile fainted a bit and he leaned back against the couch, sighing. “About that,” he started slowly, staring at the unopened sandwich in his hands, “it was fine I guess. I took her to the fair like we planned. She looked pretty, like always. She even laughed at my jokes this time, she wasn't as awkward with me as she was before.” You smiled, slowly taking a bite from your food, “that sounds good.”
He hummed, “yeah, because that was all. It was good, but it didn't feel good, at least not in the way it was meant to be. It felt more like two friends trying to catch up on old memories. Nothing more.” You sighed as you realized the weight of his situation, “maybe she just wants to take things slow? You said she isn't as awkward anymore.” He chuckled lightly, “she still means everything to me but-” he looked at you, pausing a bit before he groaned, throwing his head back.
“I don't know why I am telling you all this, I don't even know why my mind just decided to visit you first. Maybe it's because you're her best friend, maybe it's because you're the one who's actually listening.” You reached forward to squeeze his hand gently, “and it's okay. You can come to me anytime, I'm your friend after all now, am I not?” He looked at you, then you felt his palm turn up to slide his fingers in between yours. You swallowed hard, averting your gaze, “you should eat before your sandwich gets cold.”
“You should stop changing the subject,” he said with a slight smirk plastered on his face. You opened your mouth to say something but stopped when he moved closer. His free hand tucked your hair behind your ear before he leaned his head against your shoulder. You sighed, about to pull away when he spoke, his tone soft, “stay like this, just for a while, please.” Your heart skipped a beat but you found yourself adjusting your position so he wouldn't strain his neck while leaning on you.
*******
All of the boys were hanging out in Jake's house, huddled up on his bed and the couch as they talked about everything and nothing together. “So,” Jay started, eyes darting over the room before they stopped at Heeseung, “are you going to update us about your dates anymore or not?” Then before he could answer, Sunghoon chimed in, “the last we heard from you was about how you both had gone to that cafe in your old neighborhood, after that? Radio silence.”
“Right,” Jake agreed, nudging Heeseung's shoulder as he was sitting right beside him, “you took Ella to the city fair right? How did that go?” Heeseung rolled his eyes but straightened up, “it was okay, we ate popcorn, played some games, enjoyed a few rides, it was good.” The other three just looked at him as he began scrolling his phone again without explaining further. “That's it? Good?” Jay questioned with a frown on his face. Heeseung nodded, “it felt more like a friend's hangout than a date.”
“She'll be leaving soon,” Sunghoon mumbled carefully, “I feel like it would be better if you confess to her directly.” Jake nodded, deciding to not me a menace for once, “what if she isn't realizing you are trying to make a move on her and thinks you are doing all that as a good friend?” Heeseung sighed, slumping against his seat, “I want to do it perfectly, and it's frustrating that things have been so slow between us. I do feel her being more open and relaxed around me now, she doesn't question us hanging out alone anymore, but it doesn't feel like there's something romantic going on, it doesn't feel like it used to before!”
“Are you in love with Ella or just her past version, Heeseung?” Jay's question hung in the air. Heeseung gulped, “of course I love all of her, past or present I don't care. That's the main reason I'm still trying, but she doesn't let me in.” Sunghoon sighed as he patted him on the back, “take it easy, you still have some time left. We'll be starting our end semester exams soon, then you'll have exactly 2 weeks before Ella leaves for London again.” Heeseung buried his head in his palm, “I didn't imagine things would turn out this way, should I directly confess to her about my feelings after the exams?”
“Yeah, that sounds perfect,” Jake said, a grin spreading across his face as Jay and Sunghoon both nodded in agreement. Heeseung leaned back, “after exams, we could have a small celebratory holiday retreat at my vacation home,” he suggested, “Ella loves that place, we've made a lot of memories there. It feels like the perfect time to confess.” Jay tilted his head, studying him for a moment before giving a short nod. “That could work,” he said, “it’d also be like a farewell with Ella, you know? Especially since we don’t really know when she’ll be back again.” The boys nodded, patting at Heeseung's back in reassurance.
*******
You shut your locker close, nudging Ella against her shoulder as both of you stepped out of the main building. You let out a deep exhale, the weight of the semester's exam lifting off of your shoulders. You watched as Ella stretched her wrist after letting out a soft groan. “This is it,” she exclaimed, “we're finally done with exams.” You chuckled, eyes heavy with exhaustion, “yeah, until results at least.” The two of you fell into steps together, passing through students crowded in the hallway buzzing with post-exam chatter.
As you walked towards the main entrance you saw two familiar figures standing near the staircase. Heeseung, who was leaning against the railings, hands tucked inside his pockets as he talked with Jake, who was standing in front of him. As you walked down the staircase, Heeseung lifted his head, eyes locking with yours before they trailed towards Ella, “there you are.” Ella smiled, leaning her elbow on his shoulder as she grinned, “what are you two doing here? Trying to ambush us?”
“More like trying to add a little fun in your life,” Jake chimed in, stepping beside you, “this was your last exam right?” You nodded, shoulders slumping with the heavy sigh you let out, “finally.” You heard Heeseung hum, his tone soft, “that's good to hear.” His gaze flickered over Ella before they landed on you, a small smile adorning his face, “we were planning a little something to celebrate the end of exams, felt like we all need to take a well deserved break you know?” Ella arched her eyebrows, “something like?”
Heeseung looked at Jake, running his hand through his hair, “something like, a holiday. At my family's vacation home, we used to visit there when we were kids, remember?” He tilted his head towards Ella who nodded in excitement, “I love that place.” Jake grinned, “yeah that one, just for a couple of days, nothing too big, just Hyphenix, Mia, Reene, and you two if you agree.” Your eyes widened, “you want me to come there too?” You questioned with genuine surprise. Heeseung's eyebrows furrowed, “of course, how is that even a question?”
You opened your mouth to say something when Jake cut you off, slumping his hand on your shoulders, “no questions, you are our friend too okay? You're stuck with us now, and there will be music, food, zero responsibilities, it will be fun.” You looked at Ella who just softly smiled at you, “come on, we need to go somewhere before I get back to London.” Her words made your chest tightened, you had grown attached to her during the past months and as the time of her departure neared, you felt more sad. “Okay, guess I'll go with you guys then,” you smiled.
Ella beamed, wrapping her arms around you, and effectively pushing Jake away. You laughed when you heard Jake grumble and Heeseung shaking his head in amusement. Ella pulled away before going towards Jake to console him. “Don't think that we are being nice because you are Ella's friend okay? Mia and Reene were really excited and kept on pestering me to tell you soon about the trip but I knew you both had exams so I waited,” Heeseung said as both of you started walking behind Jake and Ella. “Thanks for inviting,” you mumbled and he shrugged, “I guess you're a part of the team now.”
*******
You wait for the door of Heeseung's apartment to open, your bag slung over your shoulder. Heeseung opened the door with a smile on his face, wordlessly grabbing your bag as he urged you inside. You figured the whole group was present, excitement buzzing throughout the apartment, voices overlapping. Heeseung's tall frame hovered beside you, placing your bag along with many others. He had ditched his usual hoodies for a simple white tee and denim jeans.
“You finally came,” he smirked, sliding his hand across your shoulders. You could smell his detergent along with the faint scent of oakwood and saffron, “I was starting to think you had ditched us when you didn't show up with Ella.” You rolled your eyes, “I had some things to do, also even if I ditched, you'd probably beg me to come back.” Your eyes met with Jake's as he laughed, crouching down to keep his perfume inside his bag. He zipped up his bag and approached you, “you're right, he can't function well without your help you know?”
“Is that so?” You questioned as you looked at Heeseung who just rolled his eyes at Jake. “That's not true,” Heeseung grumbled, and then others started piling towards the entrance. “Hey! You're here,” Mia squealed as she ran up to hug you. Reene smiled, giving you a light hug as she whispered, “she kept complaining about your absence nonstop by the way.” You laughed, mumbling apologise. “Guys, has anyone brought snacks?” Jay questioned as he looked around.
“I got it covered,” Reene explained as she brought two different bags filled with all sorts of snacks. Sunghoon smiled, placing a kiss on her forehead, “yeah, she insisted on buying half of the grocery store.” Reene nudged him by her elbow, “right, and you'll thank me later for that.” Jay walked towards Mia, placing a hand on her waist, “you got everything you need, butterfly?” He asked and she nodded, melting into his arms.
Ella walked towards your other side as Heeseung demanded everyone's attention. “So we are going to take two cars, Sunghoon's and mine,” he paused, taking a look at everyone, “Jay, Mia and Reene will go with Sunghoon and the rest are going with me. Is that clear?” Everyone nodded before collecting their luggage towards the car. You stood behind as you watched Jay, Mia and Reene settle inside Sunghoon's car, you felt a tug at your bag and you glanced at Heeseung as he carefully took the bag from your shoulder to put it inside the trunk.
“Ready?” He asked, nodding his head towards the car. You nodded, as he opened the car door and you slid in the backseat behind the passenger's seat. You and Heeseung were already seated while Ella and Jake talked with Sunghoon regarding the snacks. The door of the backseat opened again and Jake slid inside hurriedly, fastening his seatbelt quickly. Ella looked inside the car before reluctantly sitting on the passenger's seat.
“I was supposed to sit at the back with her,” she complained as she glared at Jake, “why are you even sitting there? Shouldn't you be her?” She motioned towards the passenger's seat she was sitting at. Jake just shrugged, “I get sleepy quickly, that won't be good for Heeseung since he's driving right?” He reasoned as he looked at you for help. You immediately got the gist of what he was trying to do so awkwardly nodded, “yeah, maybe we can get to know each other better in the meantime.” Jake beamed, hooking his arm with yours, “see? She understands, now don't complain, you can have her as soon as we reach there.”
Ella gave him a last glare before she turned back and settled in her seat. Your eyes were focused on Heeseung before Jake nudged your shoulder, distracting you with his endless stories about their previous trips as the car started moving. Heeseung glanced at Ella, talking with her from time to time. He adjusted the rear view mirror when he noticed it had tilted a bit, eyes narrowing at the way Jake's arm was still hooked around yours as you listened to him ramble. He huffed, hands pressing on the screen to play some music to dull Jake's voice a bit so he wouldn't pay more attention to you both instead of the road ahead.
Halfway through the drive, Jay called Jake to have suggested a short break before switching the designated driver. You stepped out, stretching your arms before you and Ella walked towards Mia and Reene. The girls immediately welcomed you with warm smiles as they dragged you both towards a small shop full of snacks and drinks. You were walking through the drinks aisle with Reene as she talked about her recent activities. Then she turned towards you, “Heeseung told me about your project with CarePoint Hospital.”
“Heeseung talked to you about me?” You questioned back with a confused tilt of your head. She laughed softly, nodding her head, “he talks a lot about you actually, tells you how you're helping him without asking for anything in return and always keeps on going on and on about how passionate you are about your major.” You smiled, “I didn't expect that.” She nodded, picking out a few drinks, “it can be like that.”
You hummed and Reene nudged you playfully, “I only mentioned that because my family doctor's on the hospital board. Since you are so genuinely interested in their research, I could put in a word for you. When your project wraps up and you graduate, it might open the door for you to join their team officially.” Your steps halted, genuinely surprised and in disbelief at what you just heard. Reene made a confused noise when she didn't find you beside her and turned around only to find you frozen in your spot.
“Are you serious?” You questioned, heart beating loudly. She nodded, “I wouldn't have said anything if I wasn't.” You gulped, genuinely touched by her words, “why though?” She frowned, taking a few steps towards you, “why? Because from what I've heard about you from Heeseung, you are doing this for a good cause, and I want to help you as a friend too.” Friend, that word again. You don't remember anyone calling you their friend a semester ago and now you had people being kind to you just because.
You stepped closer, pulling her in an embrace with shaky fingers as a tear slipped past your eyes, you whispered, “thank you so much.” She stiffened at the sudden display of affection but relaxed and hugged you back. “Don't get too emotional, I'm only doing this because I know you deserve it,” she squeezed your shoulder before pulling away. You wiped your tears, “I don't know if they'll accept me since I'll be lacking in experience, but if they do, I'll make sure you'll never hear them complaining about me.”
“Hello beautiful ladies,” you heard Jake's voice and turned around to find him approaching you both with his puppy-like smile. “What are you doing here?” Reene questioned as she chuckled. “I was out with Mia, Ella and Heeseung, but then Jay stole Mia away,” he started, hands rummaging through different snacks, “so I had this brilliant idea to leave Heeseung alone with Ella.” Reene shook her head as she looked at you. Jake handed you a few snacks after realizing you weren't holding anything, “also, I wanted to let you both know about something.”
You and Reene leaned towards him as he spoke, “Heeseung is planning on confessing to Ella during this vacation. Just thought you should know so we don't end up interrupting them if we spot them together.” Even though you knew this moment would arrive, your heart sank. Were you expecting to hear about this from Heeseung himself? But he didn't owe you an explanation for every single thing he did. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Reene steal a quick glance towards you, the kind that felt like she was half curious and half concerned. When you caught her eyes, she didn't say anything, and just offered you a small smile and looked away.
*******
Heeseung's vacation house screamed luxury, with lush green trees lining up which ultimately lead to an isolated private property. The holiday retreat felt more relaxing than you had initially thought. The whole house was alive in that soft, post exams bliss kind of way. The music was drifting from the living room speakers, sunlight spilling through the wooden deck outside. Everyone was scattered into different corners doing their own things. Mia and Jay were curled up together as they played some games on Jay's phone, Sunghoon and Reene were sitting on the deck outside with their drinks. Jake and Heeseung were playing ping-pong and Ella was on her phone at the corner.
You were leaning against the kitchen counter, leisurely sipping your drink when you spotted Heeseung making his way towards you, a little bit flushed, laughter spilling off his lips. He ran his hand through his slightly damp hair, his shirt clinging to his body. He raised his eyebrows at you as he stepped closer. He leaned down, placing his hands on the counter, caging your body between. You froze, and he chuckled softly before taking a sip from the straw, the cup still in your hand.
He pulled away, now taking the cup from your hand and took another large sip of the drink. You blinked, caught completely off guard, eyes trained on the way his throat moved with each sip. “Wow, this is actually good, I was seriously doubting Jake when he suggested we should try this,” he praised, trying to take another sip when you snatched it from his hand. “That was mine,” you complained, flicking his head. He winced, rubbing his forehead while laughing at your expressions.
“You literally drank more than half of it,” you pouted as you examined the cup. Heeseung shrugged, trying to take the drink back from your hand but you just quickly sipped the rest of the drink. Heeseung's laugh echoed throughout the house as you tried to fight him off and prevent him from taking another sip. It made Jay and Jake peek from their spot to see what was happening. Both of them watched as you managed to get a hold of Heeseung's hair, laughing at him while he tried to pry your hands off.
The corner of Jake's lips curled up, and he looked at Jay with a knowing look in his eyes, “I don't know if Heeseung has realized how comfortable he has gotten in her presence.” Jay hummed, shifting closer to his girlfriend as three of them settled against the couch, “or how he keeps talking more about her than Ella from the past few weeks.” Their eyes fell upon Ella who was now talking with Sunghoon and Reene, “Ella doesn't seem to mind Heeseung's absence as much as she used to in the past,” Jake murmured and Jay hummed, “let's see where this goes.”
*******
You looked at yourself in the mirror, fixing your hair. Beside you, Ella was already done slipping into her clothes. “After playing in the pool all day, my skin is a bit itchy,” she complained. You laughed, fixing her top, “but you had fun.” She hummed, placing her phone inside her pocket, “that's true, I don't think I had this much fun in a while.” You smiled, “let's get down for the barbecue?” She nodded as both of you stepped down towards the deck where everyone was gathered.
The sun had already slipped low, covering the sky in pink and amber hues. The air smelled like smoke and grilled meat, the faint hiss of barbecue still audible over the shared laughter. You greeted Sunghoon as you passed by him to sit on the empty chair at the far corner of the deck. Ella made her way towards Jay and Heeseung who were grilling meat. Jake and Mia were bickering over which song to play next as Reene just looked at you and shook her head as she tried to reason with the two to stop bickering.
The food was eaten, and memories were shared. But it all meshed into a blurry haze as your mind kept on drifting on whether Heeseung would make a move on Ella or not. It was the last night of the retreat and with the way Ella has been behaving the same, you were sure Heeseung hadn't confessed at all. Which made you anxious thinking he might confess to her tonight. The weather was lovely and so was the timing, yet you couldn't help the anxious beating of your heart against your chest.
“Are you going to find yourself a girlfriend Jake?” Ella grinned as she nudged him. Jake's eyes widened as he nearly choked on his drink. “No way!” He exclaimed, “Don't get me wrong, watching Jay and Sunghoon fall in love and find people that actually…complete them? I'll forever be envious of that.” You tilted your head at him, “I'm sensing a big ‘but’ in there.” He smiled at your words, though it didn't quite reach his eyes, “hmm, I just can't picture myself trusting someone on that level, you know? Haven't found anyone who would make me change my mind anyway.”
Reene raised an eyebrow, “so basically you have trust issues?” Jake flinched at her question, barely. It wasn't even noticeable to anyone but Heeseung, Jay and Sunghoon. Jake shrugged, “well maybe you can say that I have trust issues but can you blame me?” Reene chuckled, nodding in agreement, “I won't judge you for having trust issued though, the world is cruel.” Jake leaned back on his palm, “also, I think I love being a third wheel and teasing the shit out of my boys, I'm too good at that too.”
Jay and Sunghoon rolled their eyes as Jake smirked at them. And just like that, the topic of the conversation changed. As the time went by, you shifted in your seat, feeling uncomfortable around your waist area, like something was poking your skin. You got up, excusing yourself to get inside any spare room to check the issue. You closed the door behind you, taking off your shirt and examining the irritated area to find a few scratch marks on your waist. Frowning, you checked the top carefully to discover a small pin still attached to the cloth.
You threw it in the trash bin before checking for any other place where another pin might be. You wore the top after you had thoroughly checked the whole top for a second time. You returned back, adjusting your top since it kept on brushing against your sensitive skin as you moved. Heeseung was sitting on the backrest of the couch, eyes glued over you as he motioned you to come closer. “What happened?” He questioned as you glanced at the others who were chatting together. “Where's Ella?” You asked instead of answering. “She's in the kitchen, talking to someone,” he informed before looking at you with a frowned face, “what happened to you?”
You sighed, “it's nothing, I somehow forgot to take out this pin from my top. It kept on scratching the skin, so I took it off.” Before you could wave the topic off, Heeseung hooked his index finger on your belt-loop and pulled you closer. His fingers brushed against the edge of your top before he lifted the hem just enough to see the red scratches near your side. He gently brushed his thumb near the reddened skin, “hmm it doesn't look too bad, but you should be careful next time.”
He grabbed your waist to gently push you away so he could stand. Letting his hand fall to his side as he looked at you. Nodding, your lips parted to say something but no words came out. You looked back at him, eyes lingering on each other more than it should have.
And when both of you joined the rest of them to play games, and Ella returned after hanging up the call, none of the others said anything out loud. Glances were exchanged, quick but full of meaning, as if each of them were silently piecing together a story none of them were ready to voice yet.
*******
“Are you planning on going home?” Heeseung's voice broke through the phone's speaker. You made a sound of disapproval, “I am not, especially since Ella will be leaving in 2 weeks. I want to be there to send her off.” You grabbed a glass of water when you spoke, “did you confess to her yet?” You heard him sigh, “no, I called her out to meet me, but her mom called right when I was about to start confessing. She said her mom needed guidance over some documentation or something. I never went ahead with the plan.”
You frowned, “her mom called?” You sighed, taking a sip from the glass, “Jake had warned everyone to not interrupt you both in case anyone saw you both together.” He hummed, “yeah, I haven't heard the end of it, Jake keeps on nagging at me for being too slow.” You nodded, looking at your reflection on the refrigerator, “you know what?” You asked, “you don't need the confession to be loud, sometimes quietly accepting your feelings does wonders.” There was a silence for a while before you heard him, “what are you suggesting?”
You played with your nails as you whispered, “both of us need to go to university tomorrow to clean up our bacterial cultures that we have stored since the presentations are completed. You can take her out for a simple lunch or dinner after that.” You patiently waited for him to think over, eyes darting back against your reflection. “Okay,” you heard him exhale, “I can't really stretch this longer. I'll go there tomorrow.” You hummed, hanging up the call. Wondering since when your chest had started aching whenever Heeseung talked about Ella.
*******
The lab smelled faintly of ethanol and agar plates as you and Ella stacked up the last of the clean glassware. The hum of incubators running still buzzing throughout the lab as you both removed your gloves and discarded them in the trash bin before washing your hands again. You slipped your coat inside your bag, eyes darting towards the clock. Heeseung would arrive anytime now, you had to make your exit smooth. You zipped up your bag before making your way towards Ella.
She looked at you and smiled, draping her own bag over her shoulders, “I need to go back to my apartment as soon as I can.” You frowned at the new knowledge, following her towards the lab door, “why do you need to leave?” She turned towards you, “I need to pack my bags.” You hummed, “I know you need to pack but it can be done later right? Why hurry?” She shook her head with a tight smile, “umm, I will be leaving early for London.”
Your heart dropped, “what? Leaving early? Why?” She gulped, clearing her throat, “I'll be leaving in five days, I need to help my mother with the documents of our company since she wants to help in business.” You clenched your fingers into a fist to stop them from trembling, “that's too soon, when did you decide that?” She sighed, looking down, “our second night at the vacation home, everything has been booked already. I wanted to live here longer but I can't, my dad won't be back from Germany until next month.”
You bit your lips, blinking back your tears but before you could say anything else you saw Ella's eyes widened as she whispered, “Heeseung?” You turned around abruptly to find Heeseung standing near the doorframe, eyes locked on Ella. The knuckles of his hands had gone white from how tight he was clenching his fists, face unreadable but his eyes betrayed him, wide, hurt and surprised. You heard Ella call for him again but he stepped back as soon as she stepped forward and before any of you could say anything, he turned around, walking away.
You turned towards Ella who was still shocked. You grabbed her wrist, shaking her to snap her out of her daze, “go follow him!” She looked at you, lips trembling, “wait, what was he doing here? He wasn't supposed to hear about it this way!” You shook your head, worry creeping up on you, “Ella go! This isn't the time to stand and question!” You pushed her out of the lab and she gave you one last look before she started running in the same direction Heeseung had walked a few minutes prior.
You immediately switched all the lights off and lock the lab door before handing it over to the lab assistant and run out of the main building to check if either Heeseung or Ella had stayed. And by the time you were outside, you spotted Heeseung's tall figure standing in the empty parking lot with Ella right in front of him. You slowly made your way towards the area, heart beating loudly at the scene unfolding in front of you. Unsurprisingly, both of them were too riled up to notice your figure.
“You're saying you were going to tell me later? Does that make sense to you? What do you mean later, Ella? Later as in, a day before leaving?” Heeseung snapped, eyes filled with hurt. Ella shook her head, “Heeseung, please listen to me…” Heeseung sighed, running his hand through his hair, “you're leaving in 5 days!” He groaned, “five days, Ella. They'll pass by in the blink of an eye and you're saying you were about to tell me?” Ella swallowed the lump formed in her throat, “I just didn't know how to tell you okay? I was just thinking of ways to tell you without hurting you.”
“Ella,” Heeseung's voice cracked, “do you even know how hurtful it is to overhear you talking about leaving early? You were by my side the whole day after that phone call with you mom, I dropped you off at home, I stayed back, we had drinks together and not once did you think about telling me about it.” His voice trembled as he spoke but he held on. Ella stepped closer, holding his hand, her own voice shaking, “I didn't mean to hurt you Heeseung, I didn't think you'd be so upset.”
Heeseung removed his hand from her hold, hand sliding inside his pocket to grab his keys, “so you thought returning back to the city, making new memories and leaving without proper goodbye wouldn't hurt me? Do you even realize how hard it was for me without you here?” Ella hung her head low, shutting her eyes close as he spoke, “I waited for you to come back to me, every single day, and when you finally came, you decided to leave without informing me properly. Do I mean so little to you?”
Ella shook her head, “Heeseung, don't say things like that, I care about you.” Heeseung scoffed, hands curling around the car's door handle, “surely not enough to tell me about you leaving early.” He slid inside his car, slamming the door shut behind him that it echoed throughout the parking lot. The car's engine roared and within seconds he pulled out of the university gates. You made your way inside the parking lot when Ella sat down on the curb, finally breaking down into tears.
“He just needs time,” you mumbled as you hugged her even though your chest ached watching him leaving like that. Ella wiped her tears, looking at you with broken eyes, “I messed everything up, didn't I?” You squeezed her shoulders, cradling her face, “no you didn’t, the timing was bad. But at least he knows you're leaving, he'll come around fast.” She nodded her head, leaning against you. She clutched your hand in hers, “he will forgive me right?” You sighed, running your hand through her hair, “he is just upset, he isn't going to abandon you over this.”
*******
The doorbell of your apartment rang as soon as you were done making pasta for four people along with a salad you threw together in five minutes. You opened the door with a wide smile and Mia pulled you into a hug. “Wow, the food smells nice,” Reene mumbled as she slipped her heels off. Ella entered last, handing you a bottle of wine before engulfing you in a hug. “I brought chips,” Mia announced as Reene put the box of brownies on the table. You brought the pasta and other things in the living room, deciding to just eat while you talked.
Ella poured a generous amount of wine in four mismatched mugs, as all of you sat on the floor. You raised an eyebrow, “isn't that too much wine, Ella?” She just laughed as everyone started digging the food. Mia raised her mug, “to the women who juggled deadlines and emotional trauma.” You laughed, raising your mug as well. Ella joined soon after, Reene was the last one, “to hot girl life.” The sound of clinking mugs filled the air as all of you giggled while taking small sips.
After the dishes were washed and dried in between shared memories and laughter, Reene dragged everyone back towards the living room. Taking out a small box containing sheet masks and various nail polishes. Soon all four of you were back on the living room floor, a soft playlist playing in the background. Your eyes wandered towards Mia who was focused on painting Reene’s nails a glossy emerald color as Reene complained about the scent being too strong.
Then your eyes fell over Ella who was painting your nails, a shade of dusty rose that felt too soft. You noticed how she had gone quiet after the dinner, and as if she sensed your gaze she looked up. You raised your eyebrows at her, tucking her hair out of her face. She sighed as her eyes trailed towards Mia and Reene who were also looking at her. “I'll miss this,” she confessed, looking down at the nail polish in her hand. Mia smiled, reaching up to squeeze her hand, “you can always come back, it's just London.”
Ella smiled, but didn't argue over the point, “this still feels like a goodbye.” You glanced down as she took your other hand and started painting your nails, her face looked more softer. You felt a pang in your chest as the realization hit you that you won't be able to meet her whenever you want after 2 days. The reality somehow was hitting you harder now. She looked up at you as she finished applying the nail polish, and you blew some air at it before smiling. “Even if this feels like a goodbye, at least make it count, we still have the whole night to ourselves.”
Ella smiled, and Mia pulled out the sheet masks and handed it over to everyone. Ella helped you with yours as Mia helped Reene with hers since your nails were freshly painted. The music played out, wine bottle empty, and the four of you sat together in your little bubble, talking about silly high school stories and nightmares. Ella insisted all four of you sleep together, so you managed to push the bed in one corner and throw the mattresses on the floor. Ella cuddled you while she slept, holding you tight, her eyes flickering with the unspoken ache of knowing things were about to change.
*******
You remove the fairy lights you helped her stick on her wall, a melancholic feeling settling inside your heart as you remembered the moments you shared with Ella in the now, almost empty room. You put the fairy lights inside a small box and toss it inside her duffle bag. Sitting down, you start folding the small pile of clothes that are yet to be packed and neatly keep them in her suitcase. You looked up to find Ella humming softly as she pulled a tangled mess of scarves from her drawer.
“You're leaving behind one hoodie, one mug and one heavily upset boy here with me,” you joked, breaking the silence which had settled inside her room. She let out a breathy laugh, though it sounded strained, “Heeseung doesn't need me.” You paused as you watched her fingers still on the scarf, eyes avoiding yours. “No,” you mumbled, keeping the last item of cloth inside her bag, “but he still wanted you.” Your words hang between you for sometime. You watch her sit down in front of you, keeping the neatly folded scarves inside the suitcase before finally closing it.
“I thought we had more time,” she whispered, “I thought we had time when I first moved to London too, I never thought I would end up hurting him so much.” Your heart clenched at her words, eyes instinctively falling over your phone which was kept beside you on the floor. Heeseung hadn't replied to any of your messages or calls since the day he fought with Ella. You had tried your best to not overstep his boundaries so he would have some time to figure out his emotions, but his silence and Ella's resignation was making everything more complicated than it should've been.
You sighed, “you think you've more time until you're counting hours rather than days.” She slid the suitcase to the side and shifted closer to wrap her hands around your shoulders, “do you think he'll hate me for leaving like this?” Her voice shook as she buried her face in your neck. You rubbed her back, “he can't hate you even if he tried, but I think all he wished for was for you to let him say goodbye properly. He was waiting for you, and when you finally came, he wasn't fully prepared to let you go off this soon.”
Her hold tightened around you, and you felt her tears streaming down before you heard her sobs. You bit your lips as you consoled her, trying to be the stronger one for her. “I'll miss you so much,” she cried and that was enough for you to lose your cool. Tears streamed down your face as you clutched her waist, “I'll miss you more Ella, I don't know how I'll go back to being in that lab alone after classes.” You aren't sure how long you both just cried, letting your emotions out. But as your cries subsidized and you packed the rest of her things, you knew her absence would leave a deep, empty space inside your heart.
*******
The living room of Heeseung's apartment felt lonelier than it used to. The TV screen was on, playing some mindless sitcom he wasn't even paying attention to. All of the guys had gone to hangout with Ella for the last time, a hangout even Heeseung was invited to. He sighed, the crease on his eyebrows hadn't relaxed for once. He closed his eyes momentarily, eyes drifting towards his phone back to back until he heard his doorbell ring.
He opened the door to find Jake, Jay and Sunghoon standing in front of him with passive expression on their faces. “I don't know what's going on inside your head Heeseung,” Jay mumbled as he sat down on the couch with others, “why didn't you come to see her? We all waited for you. She waited for you.”
Heeseung avoided their eyes, instead focusing on the TV. Jake looked at Jay before sighing, “look, we know you're pissed, but sulking and not interacting with anyone isn't going to change the fact that she's leaving.” Sunghoon finally spoke, disappointment laced in his voice as his mind drifted towards how Heeseung was the one who called him out on his behavior when he was fake dating Reene, “I know you're hurt, anyone else would have been too but you'll regret if the last thing you do is shut her out like this, don't let your anger talk louder than your feelings for her.”
“Look,” Jay started again, “she's our friend too, and just because she's leaving doesn't mean she'll stop being our friend. Same goes for you too, she has her reasons for leaving early. She didn't do this to hurt you, don't let your mind twist that fact for you.”
Jake nodded in agreement, “we are not going to tell you it doesn't hurt because it does, but don't burn your bond with her just because you're hurt.” Sunghoon slid closer to Heeseung, placing his hand on his shoulder to comfort him. Heeseung didn't speak anything but they noticed how his jaw was relaxed and the tight grip he had on the remote had loosened, and for now, that was enough.
*******
You looked back towards the entrance of the airport one last time before you walked towards the departure gate. The area hummed with the usual mix of chatter, flight announcement, rolling of suitcases and goodbyes for people like you. Watching Ella stand before you, with suitcase and her passport in her hand, made your heart ache. She smiled looking towards you, hair a little frizzy due to the rush. She made her way towards Sunghoon, who quietly slipped a chocolate bar in her bag. “Don't forget us,” he mumbled as Ella engulfed him in a hug. Then she moved to Jake, who handed her a little bear keychain, “it's nothing much, think of it like you are carrying a piece of us with you.”
Ella took it from him, immediately attaching it to her duffle bag. She hugged him, “I'll keep it safe.” Jay stepped forward next, his movements more measured as he hugged her and softly reminded her, “try not to overwork yourself, and stay connected.” She pulled back, nodding, “I won't disappear.” Finally, she made her way towards Mia and Reene and pulled them into her arms. The promises of video calls, quick final photos and laughter were shared. And then she turned towards you.
You didn't realize you were smiling until she mirrored it and the second she wrapped her arms around you, a shaky breath escaped your lips. Your hands wrapped around her waist, and neither of you pulled away, too scared the moment will pass. Nothing was said but you felt everything, the steady rhythm of her heart against yours, the subtle tightening of her hands, the quiet exhale she let out as she let go of you. “You are one of the main reasons why my stay at the university felt so welcomed,” she mumbled, eyes glassy, “I'll always carry you with me.”
You bit the inside of your cheeks to force your tears back. When you spoke, your voice came out lighter than you expected, “I am hoping you filled the flight details correctly this time, because I won't be there to entertain you.” She let out a laugh, a single tear escaping her eyes, which you wiped instantly. She held your hand and squeezed it, taking a look at everyone. You watched her eyes trail towards the entrance for a quick second before she stepped back, waving her hand one last time before she turned around.
Silence wrapped around the six of you as she waved to you all for the last time before her figure disappeared from your sight. You felt someone squeeze your shoulder, and turn your head to find Mia giving you a small smile. You leaned against her, letting her quiet presence speak for the loneliness you felt in your chest. You sighed, about to say something when you heard frantic footsteps echoing through the quiet environment. You all turned at once and there he was, Heeseung.
His hair was messy, chest rising and falling as he ran through the terminal, his gaze trailed throughout the departure gate, searching, till they landed on you and others. His pace slowed down as he stopped near you, eyes trained on the glass that showed Ella's flight taking off. His lips parted as if he wanted to say something, but no words came out. Your breath hitched as realization dawned upon you, he came. But he came too late, too late to see her one last time, too late to say one final goodbye.
From beside you, Jake whispered, “Heeseung….” but the name hung in the air, uselessly. Heeseung dropped to his knees, head hung low in defeat. Without realizing, your feet took you towards his slumped figure. You squeezed his shoulder, chest aching for him. No one else moved, no one spoke as they watched him. All you could do was be there for him, sharing the hollowness Ella left behind as her flight disappeared into the horizon.
The discussion about the ride back from the airport was as heavy as the silence Ella left behind. You could see the way Heeseung's hands trembled by his side. You reached over, gently holding his hand in yours, “let me drive you home.” He turned his head towards you, but he didn't answer. Just quietly handed you the keys as he started walking, making his way towards the airport's parking lot. You shared a look with others before all of you followed him out, letting him have his space.
*******
You unlocked the car's door and Heeseung slid into the passenger's seat. Before you could enter the car, Jay called your name. You stopped, turning towards him as he whispered, “can you stay with him for a while, don't leave him alone please? I think you're the only one, who he wouldn't push away right now.” Your eyes fell upon the car as you nodded, “I was going to stay anyway.” Jay nodded as he stepped back and Jake appeared, “text us if anything happens okay? And don't let him shut you out.”
With that, you slid into the driver's seat. The drive itself felt endless, you kept glancing towards Heeseung, who just looked out of the window, jaw locked tight. His hands weren't trembling anymore but you could see the hurt evident on his face. Finally, you pulled into his apartment's parking lot. “I'm staying,” you announced as you both locked the car's door behind you. Taking small steps, you stood in front of him, “you don't have to say anything, I just don't want you to be alone.” His throat bobbed as he looked into your eyes, breathing heavily before he slowly nodded.
*******
“I couldn't even see her for the last time,” Heeseung whispered as he sat on the edge of his bed, eyes blank as he stared at the wall in front of him. You sighed softly, standing close enough for your hands to touch his arms, “she isn't gone forever, Heeseung.” He closed his eyes as he gulped, still not over the fact that he arrived too late. And before you could comprehend, he reached out for you, pulling you between his knees as he wrapped his hands around your waist. Your breath hitched, hands instinctively clutching on his shoulders to stabilize yourself.
His forehead pressed against your stomach, his entire body trembling as if the weight of Ella's departure had finally dawned upon him. “What should I do now?” His voice cracked as he stammered, “I always mess up. I wait, I hesitate, and then I regret.” His hold on your waist tightened as he buried his face deeper. Your chest tightened at his words. Hesitantly, you ran your fingers through his hair, rubbing his neck to calm him down. “You're not messing anything up,” you mumbled, “it hurts because it matters.”
He shook his head, not pulling away, “but I should have reached sooner, the traffic was so heavy, I should've given her a proper goodbye. I should've told her everything.” His words were rushed, like he was tired of bottling them inside him for too long. You sighed, “then tell her everything. It's not too late.”
He tilted his head up to look at you, chin placed on your stomach, “she's already gone though.” You removed the hair from his forehead, “not gone completely, she's just on the different side of the globe. Flights exist for a reason. If you can't let go of the regret, if you really want to, go to her. Don't wait too long, don't wait until it's too late.”
For a moment, he just looked at you. Eyelashes wet with tears, doe eyes opened wide as he spoke, “you think I should?” You nodded as you cupped his jaw, wiping the tears that escaped his eyes, “if that's where your heart is, then go. Don't trap yourself here, wishing for things to be different when you are doing nothing to change it.” He swallowed hard, looking at you like he was searching for some answers. His hold loosened, but he kept holding you, “what if it doesn’t work out?” You smiled, rubbing your thumb across his cheek, “then at least you'll know that you tried, you won't drown into what ifs.”
He held his breath for sometime before he pressed his forehead against your stomach, again. A breathy laugh escaped his lips, “you have a way with your words.” This time when he pulled away to look at you, he let his tears escape freely and you wiped each of them religiously. You just leaned down to press a gentle kiss on his forehead before pulling him into you. He poured out all his feelings through his sobs, and you just held him until there were no tears left. And in the quiet that followed afterwards, you realized that you were preparing yourself to let him go, even when it hurt.
*******
“Don't abandon us completely while you're in London,” Jake muttered as he nudged Heeseung's shoulders. The driveway of Heeseung's apartment was crowded with voices, but none of them felt lighthearted. “I wouldn't be able to abandon you guys even if I wanted to, you know?” Heeseung scoffed, closing the trunk of his car. “Take care of yourself,” Jay mumbled, patting him on the back. Heeseung nodded, giving one last hug to Sunghoon. “We'll wait for you,” Sunghoon muttered after pulling away.
You were leaning against the hood of his car, the keys jingling in your hands as you played with it. Your focus was entirely on the keys because you didn't want to intrude their moment. You looked up when Jay called your name, “drive safe okay? Call me if you need anything.” You smiled, sliding inside the car when Heeseung sat in the passenger's seat. “Ready?” You questioned as you pulled out of the driveway after Heeseung stopped waving at the boys. He glanced at you before adjusting in his seat, “I guess, I'm more nervous though.”
The rest of the drive was filled with silence, as he kept looking out of the window, mind somewhere deep in thought. You could see his nervousness with the way he kept fiddling with the strings of his hoodie, his jaw tight. You sighed, drifting your attention back on the road, “you don't have to look so guilty you know?” He let out a small hum of confusion but then sighed, “I don't know, I feel like I'm abandoning everyone here.” You nodded, “you're not abandoning anyone, you're just doing what you feel is right. Trying to find answers to your questions doesn't mean you're abandoning them.”
He turned his head to look at you, letting your words sink inside his head. You pulled at the airport's parking lot, helping him with the luggage as you made your way towards the departure terminal. You looked at the timing for the flight as he handled everything before coming back to you. “Use my car while I'm gone,” Heeseung casually stated as he adjusted his bag. “What?” You asked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “I said what I said,” he shrugged, eyes softening as he looked at you, “it will just stay in the parking lot otherwise, use it, until I come back, please?”
Your eyes darted towards his keys in your hand, the small deer charm along with the letter ‘H’ dangling idly. Your fingers tightened around the keys, “okay, mainly because you added please.” He rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless when the announcement happened. “Don't stop hanging out with the guys or the girls just because Ella and I aren't there,” he mumbled, stepping closer, “especially Jake, Jay has Mia, Sunghoon has Reene so he's bound to feel lonely, he gets sulky like that, please look after him for me?”
You nodded, swallowing the lump inside your throat. It was about time he would disappear behind the gates to go where his heart belonged and you had to pull yourself together after he was gone. “I should go,” he stated but didn't make any movements to pull away, instead he reached for your hand, holding it firmly in his, “take care of yourself too.” You blinked back the tears that welled up in your eyes as he stepped back.
“All the best,” you wished as you waved him off, voice fragile, drowning into the sea of rolling suitcases and flight announcements. He gave you a tight smile before turning away. His tall frame drifted towards the departure gates, each step felt like weight being put on your chest with a finality that this was it. You stood frozen in your spot, fingers tight around his car keys, fighting the sting in your eyes as you watched him go farther away from you.
You were about to go back when you saw him stop before he turned around. His eyes found yours instantly and your breath hitched when you saw him walk back, each step deliberate. You didn't move. He exhaled loudly as he reached you, hands reaching you to cradle your face. “Heeseung are you ok-” before you could finish your sentence, he leaned down without hesitation. His lips brushing against your cheek, soft but lingering. “Thank you,” he whispered, tilting your head to press a kiss on your other cheek, “for everything.”
This time, when he stepped away, he didn't stop, didn't look back one last time. You stood rooted in your place, cheeks still warm as they burned with the ghosts of his kisses. His figure disappeared behind the gates, leaving you with nothing but a hollow ache in your chest with everything unspoken between you two. And as you watched his flight take off from the airport, you wondered if this is what heartbreak felt like. Like praying he'd find what he was looking for, even if it meant quietly unraveling your dream you never had courage to claim.
IT'S OUT YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS BOOMSHAKALAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YESSSSSSSSSSSS GAWDDDDDDDDDDDDD THE LORDDDDDDDD IS GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
𝛝𝛠 MIDNIGHT IN MILAN — lhs - @sungbeams (they say love makes you do stupid things...surely fucking your boyfriend in the bathroom at the prada after party when your relationship isn't even public and neither of you can afford a dating scandal isn't that stupid, right?)
𝛝𝛠 ── .✦ WORTH THE WAIT (l hs) - @whjluv (you thought transferring to a new high school for senior year would be a nightmare. who knew you would end up with a genuine group of friends and a boy in need of finding himself again?)
𝛝𝛠 SOBRIETY .. lhs - @yuons (it proves to be easy to fluster your best friend)
𝛝𝛠 WAITING ROOM ──★ ˙ - @heejamas (for three years, you and heeseung have hovered between friendship and something more—stolen glances, late-night car rides, hands brushing under tables. but when the waiting finally ends, you realize you were never just friends to begin with)
𝛝𝛠 OOPS, IT SLIPPED ✶ 𝗌𝗅𝗂𝗉 𝗇’ 𝗌𝗅𝗂𝖽𝖾 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾 - @byshens (when you and your boyfriend, heeseung, wanted to take things slow in bed but he ‘accidentally’ slips inside)
𝛝𝛠 Heeseung teaching inexperienced reader how to ride him while he sucks on her titties - @yeonzzzn
𝛝𝛠 heesung waking you up with head - @hoonipies (morning sex, oral (f rec), cum eating)
𝛝𝛠 𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐍’𝐓 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐃 (l.hs) - @i2sunric (who knew an email sent in a moment of range could spark a burning desire between you and your boss?)
𝛝𝛠 sixty-nine - @heesngirl (drunk sex, carpet sex, dirty talk (mild) oral sex (both), p in v, cum eating, unprotected sex, a little soft towards the end)
𝛝𝛠 by the belt - lee heeseung ────୨ৎ──── - @sadmusicprincess (pulling heeseung closer by his belt unexpectedly did something to him)
𝛝𝛠 LOVESONG(demo).wav - @just-nc-tea (Who would’ve thought that stumbling into room 3B-47 crying your eyes out would lead to the best thing that ever happened to you in that cursed HYBE building)
𝛝𝛠 IT'LL FIT - @ikeukiss (Heeseung loves that you're inexperienced. In his words, it's so cute he doesn't know what to do with himself sometimes. But when it comes to his own body, he's pretty sure he knows what you will and won't be able to take)
𝛝𝛠 HACKER!STEPBRO HEESEUNG - TRAPPED. - @lassiie (The one where your antisocial stepbro pretends he's not obsessed—while secretly hacking you, jerking off to your secrets, and discovering about your desire. He’s obsessed… And you'll use it)
𝛝𝛠 No Exit, Just Him - @elikajinnie (You’ve lost track of time since Heeseung took you—days, weeks, maybe months. The walls around you close in, suffocating you, broken only by his voice. "Do you love me?" he asks, over and over. And every time, you tell him "No." But Heeseung is running out of patience. And if sweet words and waiting won’t change your answer, he’ll just have to find another way to make you say yes)
𝛝𝛠 THINK I NEED SOMEONE OLDER !! - @ickbite (It’s okay to get with a guy a few years older than you! Even better when he tries to ignore how beautifully charming you are!)
𝛝𝛠 YOU MAKE ME - @heesdreamer (struck with insomnia your entire life, you’ve taken to exploring the city restless all night. things change when you meet a tall boy with tired eyes and bruised knuckles)
𝛝𝛠 TiARA。 lee heeseung - @soov (princess fem reader & duke heeseung)
𝛝𝛠 off-limits never meant untouchable - @belovedniki (heeseung tells himself it means something. that you’re off-limits because you’re his best friend's girlfriend. but when you smile at him like that, soft, warm and stupidly sweet, he forgets every reason not to want you. and when you look up at him, all innocent and close, he forgets how to stop)
𝛝𝛠 smoke signals ★ ༄.° l.h. - @guppiechuu (rule #1: never fuck your plug. but it’s oh-so hard to remember this rule when your plug is sooo hot and soooo into you)
𝛝𝛠 I WANT YOU SO BAD .ᐟ.ᐟ - @lolliloopsy (obsessed!leeheeseung x fem!reader)
𝛝𝛠 Under the Bed, Over the Edge - @si3rren (You get stuck under the bed while cleaning. Heeseung finds you — ass up, back arched — and instead of helping, he ruins you. Multiple rounds, overstimulation, squirting, crying, and he still won’t stop until you’re trembling and soaked. Husband of the year (in the worst way))
𝛝𝛠 .𖥔 ݁ ˖⌗﹒ helping hand - @pinkjellyz (heeseung had an unusual ritual before every competition as a professional league of legends player. one that his ex-girlfriend could no longer fulfill for him, leaving him desperate enough to ask for your help as his best friend)
𝛝𝛠 ━━━RAGE QUIT 18+ - @guliexe (you started as friends who played games at night—now he’s the one making you moan into his pillow)
s, smut | f, fluff | a, angst | suggestive is noted
my laptop is fried from all the tabs lol, but these are my fav psh fics, or at least the ones i have liked/remember ! its LONG lol
> word count lowers as you go down the list! (not in order)
grocery store receipts [ hot neighbor!sunghoon x fem!reader ] s,f,a
to the boy: who took me to prom [ best friend's brother!sunghoon x fem!reader ] s,f,a
harvest of purity [ innocent!sunghoon, strangers to lovers ] s,f,a
stupid in love [ bestfriend!sunghoon, summer au ] s,f,a
we'll always have this summer [ summer au, strangers to lovers, city girl x country boy au ] s,f,a
gods & monsters [ step-brother sunghoon x fem!reader x stepbrother!heeseung ] s,f,a
park sunghoon: the boy next door trope [ shy figure skater!sunghoon x popular extrovert!reader ] s,f,a
king of tears [ chaebol husband!sunghoon, second chance romance au ] s,f,a
crossroads romance [ ex!sunghoon, suprise return au ] s,a
unlucky girl syndrome / part two [ grumpy x sunshine au, love triangle au ft. jake ]
sex for dummies! [ academic rivals au, university au ] s,f,a
tangled desires [ enemies to lovers, rich kids au ] s,a
the dollmaker [ husband & dollmaker!sunghoon, gothic/supernatural elements au ] s,f,a
love next door [ childhood bsf!sunghoon x fem!reader ] s,a
teacher's pet [ professor!sunghoon x fem!reader ] s,f,a
you're such a brat [ arrogant!sunghoon x bratty!reader, enemies to lovers ] s
cherry pits [ dad!sunghoon x fem!reader, dilf au, neighbors au ] s,f
three weeks & three days [ best friend's ex!sunghoon, halloween au ] s,f,a
lucifer [ fallen angel!sunghoon x virgin angel fem!reader ] s
first date etiquette [ neighbor au, first date au ] s
dior girl [ designer!sunghoon x fem!reader, dark!sunghoon ] s
night-shift / day shift (pt.2) [ boss & camboy!sunghoon ] s
give up heaven [ ex-bestfriend & hockey player!sunghoon, friends to lovers ] suggestive,a
get you better [ boyfriend's best friend!sunghoon, cheating au ] s
urs [ situationship!sunghoon x fem!reader ] s,f
say my name [ neighbor!sunghoon, enemies to lovers ] s
star-crossed / part two [ prince!sunghoon x servant fem!reader, greek mythology ] s,f
cherry [ outcast!sunghoon x class president fem!reader, enemies to lovers, 90's au ] f
bittersweet teeth [ brother's best friend!sunghoon x fem!reader ] s
past wounds, present hearts [ ex bully!sunghoon x fem!reader ] s,f,a
heavenly [ playboy & ex bf!sunghoon x fem!reader, fake dating au ] f,a
forbidden attraction [ wizard!sunghoon x witch!reader, hogwarts au ] s
