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@hopecrushed
I CANNOT GET MY HEAD // TO SAY ANYTHING A HEART COULD UNDERSTAND.
a private & fandomless oc written by maxi.
AVERY GOODMAN, your heart is soft but the world is cruel. LET’S CHANGE THAT.
this blog explores themes including mental illness such as; depression, anxiety, and PTSD. everything will be tagged accordingly. please read the doc before following! it has rules and bio information!
DOC | PINTEREST character study. / ask meme. / musings.
𝑫𝑬𝑨𝑫𝑳𝒀 𝑵𝑰𝑮𝑯𝑻𝑺𝑯𝑨𝑫𝑬 . ( angst - oriented sentence starters . dark & potentially triggering themes are present . )
❛ no … no , why would you do that ? ❜ ❛ fight back . fight back ! ❜ ❛ when were you going to tell me ? ❜ ❛ don’t fucking touch me . ❜ ❛ you promised . you fucking promised . ❜ ❛ i never wanted to hurt you . ❜ ❛ run . run & don’t stop . ❜ ❛ you’re a fucking stereotype . ❜ ❛ please don’t go … please don’t go . ❜ ❛ i’m putting you out of your misery . ❜ ❛ what makes you think i’d listen to a word you say ? ❜ ❛ this is what you think love is ?? ❜ ❛ i never should’ve trusted you . ❜ ❛ i love you . is that what you wanted to hear ? ❜ ❛ you’re so fucking pathetic . ❜ ❛ nobody can help me . not even you . ❜ ❛ don’t act like you know me . ❜ ❛ i’ve got my own shit to deal with . ❜ ❛ i’m saying my goodbyes . ❜ ❛ please don’t go . ❜ ❛ i’d rather drop dead . ❜ ❛ i loved you , you know ? ❜ ❛ talk to me . ❜ ❛ what , was i just a charity case ?? ❜ ❛ i feel so fucking stupid . ❜ ❛ i want to be alone . ❜ ❛ that’s low , even for you . ❜ ❛ say that again , i fucking dare you . ❜ ❛ i can’t … i can’t feel my - ❜ ❛ i’m so fucking tired , i just … i can’t . ❜ ❛ we’ve missed so much . ❜ ❛ what , you’re gonna shoot me ? ❜ ❛ you’re nothing . ❜ ❛ stop looking at me like that . like i’m broken . ❜ ❛ you’ve lost a lot of blood . ❜ ❛ don’t shut me out . ❜ ❛ it’s not real . it’s not real . ❜ ❛ you’re just saying what i want to hear . ❜ ❛ i swear , i’ll kill you . ❜ ❛ stop … just stop fucking lying . stop . ❜ ❛ just tell me what you did . ❜ ❛ i already know what you did , i just want to hear it from you . ❜ ❛ i needed you to be different . ❜ ❛ how long has it been since you’ve eaten ? ❜ ❛ put the [ gun / knife ] down . ❜ ❛ what do you want from me ? ❜ ❛ we’ve lost so much time . ❜ ❛ i really fucking hate you , sometimes . ❜ ❛ i can’t … i can’t , i can’t do this today . ❜ ❛ you know , i never wanted to hurt you . ❜ ❛ i shouldn’t have to beg you to love me . ❜ ❛ i don’t owe you shit . ❜ ❛ don’t say it , don’t fucking say it . ❜ ❛ it sounds like you’ve been crying … ❜
i’m gonna be making some icons & stuff but please consider this a starter call!
` HAWKEYE / purplequvr
lips twitched slightly, especially given he was slightly crouched over for the moment. this one was amusing, but there was … something about her. wasn’t so sure what it was, but the moment she flinched away after he tried to assess her injury he recognized it immediately. the same pain in her eyes, he had felt for years now. tragedy recognized tragedy. “ it’s a nasty bruise. and you’re bleeding slightly. ” he fully straightened now, attempting to not crowd her. “ what’s your name? ”
“ i’ll be okay. ” her other hand swallows the offending area with her palm, seemingly hiding it from existence. he’s concerned -- truly concerned. not just ‘oh i’m a hero and i kind of have to be worried about you’ sort of thing. it’s just a bruise like she said. she’s not dying so why should he care? “ avery. ” her voice cracks a bit as she speaks her name, a slight broken tone of worry as she gives up the information. “ i know who you are. you don’t have to go through awkward introductions if that’s where this is going. kind of makes me barf-y. so. yeah. sorry. am i talking too much? i feel like i am. please tell me to shut up i’m begging you. ”
I am a different person to different people. Annoying to one. Talented to another. Quiet to a few. Unknown to a lot. But who am I, to me?
dream-jackson (via claudemonet-art)
` HAWKEYE / purplequvr
“ but you do. ” the argument is made immediately, and given with a sort of eas that isn’t just pretty words. but backed by a firm belief that she deserved it more than she realized. “ have you even realized you look at me more often when you’re speaking to me? you talk to me more than you talk to the floor, now. it’s a huge feat, and i’m proud of you for that progress. ”
she knows he’s right. there’s been a progress made here that she never really knew she’d be able to accomplish. “ i haven’t heard that in a long time. ” she says it softly but there’s the lightest of smiles ghosting the corner of her lips. “ i trust you and i haven’t trusted anyone in a while. ”
` HAWKEYE / purplequvr
@hopecrushed rando starter
“ i’m proud of you, avery. ”
a puckered bottom lip is forced between her teeth. not what she was expecting out of his mouth. “ oh. i don’t deserve that. ”
I can’t carry this anymore Heavy from the hurt inside my veins
` NATASHA / widcwsweb
her head tilted slightly as she regarded the other woman. considering the lack of eye contact and immediate apology for speaking up, this had to be the person he had been telling her about. the one she ‘ needed to play nice with. don’t scare off. ’ looks like she understood the odd request now. a friendly smile curles the corners of her lips as she shakes her head, “no, please stay. my name is natasha. i’m just here to watch lucky for a bit. you’re more than welcome to join me but there’s no pressure.”
“ he won’t be mad? ” she doesn’t know what she asks that. it’s almost like second nature. she clutches at a small box in her hands and nearly leaves indents in the fragile cardboard while the thin plastic film atop the box that shows what’s inside screeches from the pressure. it forces her to relax. she glances down, the cupcakes are fine. phew. “ did you say lucky? like lucky the pizza dog. ” yeah, she’s a bit of a fan.
@sheheal / ❛ is this the secret you planned to take to your grave ? ❜
HOW DARE SHE?
fingertips dig at bared skin along her arms as she crosses them so tightly she almost suffocates herself. her nails sharp enough -- just barely -- to leave pricked little marks against paled skin. for a moment, there is a wash of anger behind tired eyes. IS SHE JUDGING ME? she deserves it. she knows. she’s so aware. she feels like drowning, her lungs filled with water rather than air. the memories come floating back and she feels haunted by the choices she’s made and it’s beginning to eat her whole. she was safe with no one knowing. safe with the cruel memories being her own. what does she do when they become another’s?
“ you shouldn’t have pried. ” her softness is gone. stolen by the defenses she’s built and continues to build. she retreats into herself, arms holding tight to her own body still as she locks away. “ and if it is? ” question answered with a question. “ what does it matter if i choose to be buried with my mistakes? should i ask you to carry them for me? bear the weight of my ghosts? -- no, brighid. i think you should go. please. leave. ”
𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 ( part one )
❛ — you carry the heavens in your eyes ❜ ❛ he wasn’t given a choice , you were ❜ ❛ look beneath the fear ❜ ❛ you almost forgot to watch ahead ❜ ❛ is this the secret you planned to take to your grave ? ❜ ❛ there’s blood in the fields ❜ ❛ monsters aren’t just born ❜ ❛ there are two types of monsters ❜ ❛ you were born with hatred hidden in your veins ❜ ❛ perhaps she will be the one you will follow into battle ❜ ❛ you have always been weak ❜ ❛ how could you grow to love him ? ❜ ❛ we are all killers ❜ ❛ we’ve all killed parts of ourselves to survive ❜ ❛ something , somewhere had to die just so we could stay alive ❜ ❛ have you considered that maybe i am not pleasant ? ❜ ❛ i belong to no one ❜ ❛ you are not safe here ❜ ❛ not a threat , a promise ❜ ❛ i’ve seen ghosts brighter than your soul ❜ ❛ because i’m not human , okay ? ❜ ❛ do not fall in love with her ❜ ❛ you don’t think you deserve something so you ruin it ❜ ❛ i don’t think i deserve something so i ruin it ❜ ❛ am i the wolf or the savior ? ❜
𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 ( part one )
❛ — you carry the heavens in your eyes ❜ ❛ he wasn’t given a choice , you were ❜ ❛ look beneath the fear ❜ ❛ you almost forgot to watch ahead ❜ ❛ is this the secret you planned to take to your grave ? ❜ ❛ there’s blood in the fields ❜ ❛ monsters aren’t just born ❜ ❛ there are two types of monsters ❜ ❛ you were born with hatred hidden in your veins ❜ ❛ perhaps she will be the one you will follow into battle ❜ ❛ you have always been weak ❜ ❛ how could you grow to love him ? ❜ ❛ we are all killers ❜ ❛ we’ve all killed parts of ourselves to survive ❜ ❛ something , somewhere had to die just so we could stay alive ❜ ❛ have you considered that maybe i am not pleasant ? ❜ ❛ i belong to no one ❜ ❛ you are not safe here ❜ ❛ not a threat , a promise ❜ ❛ i’ve seen ghosts brighter than your soul ❜ ❛ because i’m not human , okay ? ❜ ❛ do not fall in love with her ❜ ❛ you don’t think you deserve something so you ruin it ❜ ❛ i don’t think i deserve something so i ruin it ❜ ❛ am i the wolf or the savior ? ❜
YEAH. HE’S A GOOD GUY.
but that’s what they all say, huh? CALEB GOODMAN the boy born to be a star. he stole all the vibrant colors from his sister and made them his own. she never had a choice. CALEB GOODMAN the man that his parents love and adore. he stole their proud gazes and comforting words when they realized avery would only crush them in the palms of her little hands. CALEB GOODMAN the brother who realizes his wrongdoings far too late. he wants to love the sister that he grew up with never realizing he had cast her out towards the darkened corners of their childhood. he only wanted to be adored. to be loved. to be the one with all eyes on him.
yeah, he got it alright -- but at the cost of what?
CALEB GOODMAN, he’s made a name for himself and the world barely knows he has a sister. he takes most of his hard earned money and funnels it into making sure avery has the life she deserves. he loves her. she only sees it as pity.
i screamed so loud, but no one heard a thing
sheheal:
@hopecrushed 💝’d the sc
She melts, falls apart like chocolate when left on heat, bound to burn. She liked Avery, they got on well enough but there was a twinge of envy. She had the choice to not be around family or be around family. It hurt, but she understood the weight of choices and actions. Never prying, never asking but for a moment, for today she falls out of the kindness that is hers and not hers. Out of the kindness she has because of the things taken from her as they sit together. ❝ Your brother, he seems like he would be a nice person. I am jealous of that. A brother. ❞ Brighid does her best not to think about the things taken from her, the life the memories the things she does not know but ponders on frequently. Sometimes part of her wonders if maybe there is love, familia love she can give to people ones she picks and can call family. But, alas that comes with ties and when immortality is a gift bestowed to her it is not an option she wants to take, it would hurt all of the parties too much. She suffers with enough pain in a day. sometimes to live the life of ten people rather than one. ❝ I don’t have any family here, or home. I don’t know if anyone is looking for me either. ❞
THAT’S WHAT THEY ALL SAY. the voice screams in her head but she is too gentle to let the bitterness arise within. it has always been like that, has it not? your brother. your brother. your brother. never avery. she is the sister who is meek. who hides in the shadows of it all. his hand guides her towards the best that she can be and she squanders it at every given moment. brighid does not understand the hurt brought by her words. she leaves it alone. she understands that -- if the choice were given -- she would simply run off to be with the vibrancy of her other half. the one who’s made something of himself. not the ruined little being that sits here before her.
“ he’s a pretty decent guy. ” she fakes a smile. the more she does it the better she gets at it. it’s okay that she’s sort of made this about herself. avery doesn’t like talking about the way she lets all the good in her life wash away, anyways. “ i’m sorry. ” what is worse? having no family at all or letting the family that loves you rot away in the back of your mind? questions -- so many questions. “ family’s finicky. weird subject. you wanna talk about it? ”
i’m gonna be making some icons & stuff but please consider this a starter call!
Funny out the two of us, you always were the gentle one Shy little rabbit, teething on a shot gun I guess we were collateral damage Kissing in the crossfire
