Hope In The Wait

Married | 24 | TTC #1 | Cycle 10 | Month 8 Making space for those who are TTC

[hopeinthewait]

An Overdue Update

I haven’t updated in a long while here. I haven’t quite known how to put into words what the past 7 months have been like. But here’s the update. I am pregnant! Cycle 11 worked. I am overjoyed to be welcoming life into this world relatively soon. I am in my third trimester and cannot wait to meet our baby. Pregnancy has been relatively normal, but normal pregnancy is tough. For instance, I have been extremely nauseous for the past 24 hours. We have an ultrasound next week. I am so in love with this baby. I am so thankful.

For those who are still in the waiting: I am sorry. I don’t have a pretty way to fix the hurt you are feeling. But I do know that there is hope, help, and healing.

[hopeinthewait]

CD 17 | Cycle 11

Ovulation day has come and gone. We are in the two week wait for this cycle. I am feeling okay but know I will be crushed again if this cycle didn’t work. The good thing is that I have an appointment with a midwife next month, so if this month isn’t it (which I am praying and praying that it is) I do have that to sort of fall back on and hopefully get the ball rolling.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 11 | CD 6

I am not doing mentally well. In between the pain of struggling to conceive and not having a job, I’ve found my anxiety to be thriving. And I know that won’t help my ttc journey. It feels like right now everything is telling me no. It’s really confusing to go from the breadwinner of the family, trying to get pregnant to the stay at home wife, still trying to get pregnant. I really have come to the end of myself and I know that I will continually come to the end of myself. I’m leaning on prayer and feeling a lot like the prophets screaming “How Long?” And I am terrified the answer is never. I really feel like that might be the case and if it is, I have no idea how I’m going to come to terms with that. The desire to raise children has only grown since we started this journey. I believe this is the case for both me and my husband. I am praying and praying for our future child, a job offer, and for peace. I am not doing well.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 10 | CD 23 | 7-9? DPO

I am so sorry for not posting and updating since my last dramatic post. I am thankful for the few followers who have joined in on this journey. Welcome you guys. Obviously, as you’re reading this post, you will see that I did not get pregnant during Cycle 9. And I am also more than halfway through cycle 10.

Things have changed. First of all, I moved! My husband and I moved out of our old place and across the country. We left our old place the last full week of June and moved into our new place just over a week ago. So, because of this for Cycle 9 and this cycle, we have not tracked or tested. But honestly, based on CM, CDs, and ovulation pain... I can pretty much know I’m about 7-9DPO today. CD 1 was July 3rd.

We ended up telling groups of our close friends about our struggles and of course everyone is supportive. It feels good that they know, but I think my support friends are annoyed with me crying about this all the time. And now we’re starting to experience meeting members of these groups babies and more announcements of babies. I am so excited for them. And these babies are so precious. It’s just hard to be the one this isn’t happening for.

Additionally, I very recently bought a onesie at target that reads “so little. so loved. so happy.” You can view it here. I plan to pray over this onesie and then but my future babe in it when they are able to. I’ve prayed over it a couple of times now, and I can’t wait to snuggle my child in it.

This TTC journey, though it hasn’t been as long as other peoples, feels so heavy. As I write this now, I can’t sleep and honestly, I can’t stop thinking about this potential babe. 

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 8 Notes

CD 1 on May 7

1DPO on May 23

No exercise

Same supplements

Egg Meets Sperm method

Bach Party on CD 20-24 (high stress, alcohol)

Bach Party on CD 29 (alcohol)

BFN 8DPO (FMU)

Went through phases this cycle of feeling like it would be it and then not at all. I know we baby danced at all the right times. I likely felt ovulation happen. I also had a dye stealer OPK. Everything seemingly lined up.

I’m CD3 this cycle and had an AWFUL day 2. Like terrible. I will openly wonder to this void if it is because fertilization actually occurred but didn’t implant.

I had more pregnancy announcements this cycle. My husband got to hear me sob for 4 hours. It wasn’t lovely but I think he understands more why it is harder on me each month (than him, he’s pretty chill about it). We agreed that we might actually legitimately start talking to people in our lives about this. But that kind of sucks too because it feels to me like it takes away the exciting surprise of announcing a pregnancy.

But also in the past week (so straddling cycles 8 and 9) we have gotten to meet new babies! We are so happy for the families welcoming little ones in. We love their babes and omg they smell so good! Can’t wait till it’s our own.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 8 | CD11

This weekend we went to a friend’s baby shower. And it was surprisingly easy. Not only was it easy, it was a blessed weekend. I love our friends so much and I can’t wait to meet our newest member of the squad. We were able to really connect with one another and remember how special our friendships with one another are!

And then today Colleen Ballinger posted that she’s pregnant. And I lost it. I’m so sad. And so happy for her! It’s everything rolled up in one ball of confusing, tearful, and painful emotions.

I’m just sad. I just wish it was our turn. I don’t know when our turn will be and it’s emotionally draining. I know that telling the void that is this blog is going to seem like I’m making everything about me. And honestly, it does make pregnancy announcements personal. Distraction is key while ttc and they are in your face reminders that we aren’t having an easy time.

There’s two separate parts of you, one is so happy and excited for someone else. You feel the normal “they’re pregnant” excitement. And then you’re hit with the realization that you’re not promised children. That the answer to your prayers might be no and never.

And it’s not stressful that you’re feeling sad. It’s just sad. There are plenty of reasons to feel stressed and this isn’t one of them (at least yet).

Side note: I feel like this month is not it. Just a gut feeling. Idk. Gut feelings are often wrong. I think next month we’re going to have to take a break from this journey. Not only just because schedule wise we’ll be all over the place, but because I don’t know if I can keep putting 110% in just for one line. I know a lot of people are like just relax, but like that’s not necessarily the key. I just don’t know if I’m putting 110% into this incorrectly. Like what if I’m temping wrong or can’t read OPKs correctly? What if something I’m doing is hindering my chances? And so we might have to just stop doing any of that. Idk. I wish I had a positive way to end this but I’m feeling sad.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 8 | CD6 Thoughts

Last night, for a while, I was the only woman in the room who wasn’t pregnant. This stung. I was sad. So I texted my husband and told him that when we got home I wanted to talk about it. When we got the chance to talk about it, my husband asked me why I was feeling sad and not jealous. I said, “I’m feeling sad because i know that it’s not up to me or you whether or not we can have biological children. It’s not anything any of those other couples did that is making it so we couldn’t do the same.” I am very very happy for our friends, it’s just that I am wanting to join them and it’s not happening because the author of life hasn’t granted life in me.

I don’t believe that God plays games with us. It’s not that we aren’t praying enough, “baby making” enough, or that we are deficient in His eyes... it’s just that He knows the path that we are on and His path is not only good but best. That doesn’t mean I can’t be sad. That doesn’t mean that I don’t call out brokenness in my life and call it good. It means I call brokenness hard. It means I know He is still making all things new.

Even with this hope in Christ making all things new, I still wrestle with the question, “what if the answer is no?” What if God doesn’t grant us this prayer? And honestly I will wrestle and wrestle with that as I stare into the future months looking at when the cycle of heartbreak will hit each month.

So, I don’t know. I will continue our prayers, our routines, and hope that it will happen for us. I’m feeling sad. And that’s okay and normal.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 8 | CD 5 Thoughts

I’m the only wife in our friend group not pregnant. While I am very happy for our friends and love celebrating their sweet babes, I feel down whenever we are around them.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 8 | CD 4 Thoughts

Decided to watch a fertility/baby-making arc on one of my favorite shows. I wanted to watch it bc like the characters on the show, I’m currently in the process of tracking, making love, waiting, BFN, tracking, making love, waiting, BFN. I also, sometimes, like making myself sad, especially when I am worried I am feeling numb. And let me tell you, I am not numb to the agony of this journey. I sobbed watching these episodes. I am all too familiar with the emotions these characters are feeling. I really think this show does a good job, especially in the first episode of them trying. They do a good job of making it funny while also not trivializing their feelings. Kudos to the B99 team.

I am not good at waiting. I know this. I wasn’t good at waiting to become engaged. I wasn’t good at waiting for our wedding day. I didn’t like waiting to know where we are moving to. And now, I’m 8 cycles into waiting to see two lines of a pregnancy test. And I’m sad. And I’m confused. Do I really want this right now? The answer is yes but I’m scared.

I cannot wait to be a mother, but motherhood is scary. I don’t want to hurt my children or enable them. I want my children to know they are loved all the days of their lives. I want to learn their personalities and dreams. I want to share memories together and teach them tennis. I want to pray with them. I want to bring them to my grandparent’s camp. I want them to have a good relationship with their cousins. But the thought of trying to be good parents when we barely know how to care for a baby is daunting. 

I know I’ll start crossing those bridges and crafting our family’s responses and routines when we get to that season. But in the season of waiting, I need to learn to wait to fear what’s ahead. I need to confront the current fear. Is my body okay? Is his body okay? Are we able to do this naturally? Can we afford to struggle this way? What if the answer is no? 

Those are big questions and I know where I can start. After the move, I will find someone to help get me started on this pre-baby journey (if we don’t get a BFP before then). That’s my commitment during this season of waiting. 

I don’t know how to end this post. 

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 8 | CD 3 Thoughts

I didn’t realize I was on cycle 8 until I wrote all these up. I’ll be honest... I’m really sad. It’s Mother’s Day and I haven’t gotten two lines yet. It’s Mother’s Day and I wish there was a baby growing inside of me. My husband and I are about to enter a hectic and busy season... we likely won’t conceive for months now. I’m trying not to get too down about all of this. I am excited to be more casual and passionate about sex than how “business” sex has become for us.

My period has been lighter this cycle. No complaints here. It just makes me wonder about cycle 5 and why that was so awful. I’m ready to be a bit more casual this cycle and see where that takes us.

EDIT: I wrote all this out as if I was on cycle 7.... turns out this is cycle 8... but month 6.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 7 Notes

CD 1 on April 4

1DPO on April 21

Moderna Vaccination Dose 2 on CD 27

Exercised 3x a week

Call Day on CD 25 (high stress event)

Lost Job on CD 33 (another high stress event

This cycle was a cycle where I didn’t think it was going to happen but I took more tests than I ever have during a cycle. I wanted so badly for this to be it.

Additionally, this cycle I learned that I am moving and that I will lose my job because of this move. (There was a possibility of moving remote but that will not happen).

My period this cycle was oddly short. I’m really thinking it has something to do with the fact that I probably didn’t ovulate.

I was not doing well this cycle. I had a lot of pregnancy announcements happen and I had a lot of baby showers. I love these people, but it’s hard to know that I am still waiting for the miracle of life to happen for me.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 6 Notes

CD 1 on March 16

1DPO on March 29

Moderna Vaccine dose 1 on CD 18

We BD every day post-period of this cycle.

My period this cycle was awful. I had to leave work to come home and spend the day throwing up. I was in so much pain. I’m very curious what that means.

I don’t think this cycle was a normal one. And yes, it’s partially related to the COVID-19 vaccine. My body had an immune response to the vax and that response was to start my cycle over. No biggie, it was just a complete shock! I’m not sure I even ovulated this cycle. I’m pretty sure I didn’t.

Basically, GET YOUR VACCINE IF YOU CAN PLS. I would love nothing more than to keep people safe and get out of this pandemic nonsense!

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 5 Notes

CD 1 on Feb 20

1DPO on Mar 3

Supplements from PinkStork: Total Prenatal, Fertility Gummies, Tea, Sweets

Hubs: Men’s Fertility from BlueStork

This was my first cycle getting a complete dye-stealer OPK. It was BLAZING POSITIVE. I am lucky that I even tested that day because it was so much earlier than I had been. Going forward, I test every day after my period ends until I get a positive. I really really thought that this was going to be my month. This was the first cycle I took multiple pregnancy tests. I really thought this was it. (Spoiler it wasn’t).

In hindsight, I am curious about this cycle and why I ovulated so early. Maybe I’ll someday get answers.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 3 Notes

CD1 on Jan 20

1DPO on Feb 5

PinkStork Prental, Sweets, and Tea

Still using BBT and OPKs

Started taking a fertility supplement (also from PinkStork)

My husband also started taking a Men’s Fertility Supplement (from BlueStork)

Started exercising a few times a week

Not really anything to note about this month. Another one where I’m not sure I ovulated when I thought I did bc my period came two days later than expected.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 2 Notes

CD1 on Dec 22

1DPO on Jan 7

Pretty much the same as Cycle 1

Temps were definitely off this month

We had a wedding right during our fertile window, like right when my LH levels probably actually were peaking. I don’t have a photo of my OPK from the day I said it was positive but if I had to guess it wasn’t actually positive. I had some spotting around CD 20, which honestly was encouraging, but really nothing too different or special.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 1 Updates

CD 1 on Nov 22

1DPO on Dec 17

Continued PinkStork Prenatal

Started trying to use BBT

Started using OPKs

PinkStork Fertility Sweets

PinkStork Fertility Tea

This was the start of our real TTC journey. While we still prevented a bit at the beginning of this cycle (condoms and pull out, cuz we weren’t that dedicated to preventing), we know we did not do so on some fertile days. This was also the start of the holidays and so we were going to our parents houses for Christmas. I brought a pregnancy test along just in case. My period came a day later than predicted.

[hopeinthewait]

Cycle 0 Notes

IUD removed on US Election Day (11-03-2020)

Started PinkStork Total Prenatal

Really didn’t expect/want to get pregnant this cycle, prevented some on the recommendation of my OBGYN