I want to tell you that you are doing an excellent job at tearing me down right now. I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m back at home, waking and sleeping at the times that I want to, and just away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Living in an almost pre-modern era with slow internet connection and no Starbucks or McDonalds, I actually prefer living here, if not my entire life, for the longest time being. But here’s the thing, I am lonely. I should be happy, with everything and everyone that I have, but no. I want to convince myself that the reason for this is the break up eons ago with Takeshi but it’s not that. It’s everything. Takeshi’s just the tip of the iceberg of my problems in terms of moving on, but I know he’s not the main problem here. I am the problem. I have almost everything that I want, and everyone is trying their best to make me feel loved yet still loneliness is winning over those wonderful things. Clearly, something is wrong with me and I don’t like it because I know sooner or later it’s going to affect everyone I love and hurt them to pieces.
If it’s love from the opposite sex that you’re asking, then no. I know that I can’t accept that kind of commitment right now, with everything going on so crazy. I just don’t know what makes me feel truly and passionately happy right now. I wake up and go to bed every single time with this horrible feeling of wishing not to wake up the next day. I don’t know what this is, and I know that you, Life, has something to do with it. That’s right, the least that I could do is point fingers right now because I don’t know what to do.