I am subjective and relative, I seek objective reason. I believe I am currently, mostly, self-directed. I am still crawling out from under a determinist ‘train wreck’ of a past.
I am relentlessly bitter and angry; I don’t always know who I am angry with. I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness, sometimes I am angry over how I was brought up, and sometimes I am angry at myself because I didn’t see through it at a much younger age. If you are a Witness and you leave, you must leave some of your identity behind. To be anything and have it stripped away is to have your self-identity taken away. To have your mind molded and twisted, by a faction that you did not choose, for the express purpose of making a malleable and sheep like servant, is the equivalent of falling into the hands of the Comprachicos. (Hugo)
Because of the aforementioned concern, preserving identity, I believe it is a mistake to call myself, and make part of my identity, anything that can’t be objectively proven. For example if I say, “I’m an atheist’” then it becomes part of my self-identity. I am much more likely to defend even the most tenuous position, if I’ve made a part of myself. If instead I take the position that I believe that the Problem of Evil seems to be impossible to solve, and that, by extension, a theistic God seems improbable, I can still learn opposing viewpoints without threatening my own identity.
I am not trusting; I don’t, can’t, and probably should not trust myself, I am fallible. My therapist says that I didn’t form trusting relationships at critical points in my life and that has led to my obsessive-compulsive disorder; there is no way to tell how long I will have to deal with O.C.D.
I am a victim of physical and emotional abuse. I hated my father, I became my father. When I finally stopped behaving like him, my hate for him gradually diminished and died. One of my few great prides in life is that I think it may have ended the cycle of abuse. It is incredibly sad, and also shameful, that one of my few great prides in life is that I stopped beating my daughters in wild fits of rage, and have finally developed the kind of self-control that virtually any adult human should have.
I think that covers most of the determined factors.
In the present I am immensely concerned about Ethics, in spite of having very low empathy for anyone outside of the circle of people I actually care about. My being ethical and having very little concern for others is not contradictory, I am ethical for me.
I have very little interest in remaining married, but I work hard to keep the marriage together for the benefits it gives my children. Ultimately I know my position as Dad is transitory and relative. There will come the day that they no longer need me and I will change from Daddy to the man who fathered me.
In the future I am considering some type of withdrawal. I would like to pursue more personal study.
Ultimately the past cannot be changed. That which is ‘Now’ is so short that it becomes the past before you can really conceive it. The emotions we feel in the present are largely the result of sensorial input, which are notoriously unreliable, or are influenced by the past.
The future is intent and as such is not objective reality. After eliminating all that is subjective or temporally relative, I have no idea who I am.
I frequently feel that I have been deprived of who I could have been. I feel as if my motto should be “There but for the curse of God go I”.
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