hopper bee. @hopperbee - Tumblr Blog

“Cure my heart so I can live more.”

“I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem But if I know you, I know what you'll do You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream“

I very often dream of the child I feel is still to come...this sums that feeling up.

#Once Upon a Dream #Lana Del Rey #PCOS #Miscarriage #The power of hope

#michael kiwanuka #black man in a white world

Said I love you more than your mother More than you love yourself

#francis and the lights #may i have this dance #chance the rapper

#School of Seven Bells #Trance Figure #Muscial Therapy

I won’t forget a single day, believe me.

There are so many things to remember. My date of birth is September 19th, 1983. I learned to ride a bicycle at the age of 8. I placed first in a city wide competition in my hometown of Philadelphia for a painting I did of Coretta Scott King when I was 10. On July 4th, 2005, I waved goodbye to my family when I moved to London with $50 in my pocket. I met the man that I would marry in a computer lab in Los Angeles, CA in September of 2007. We became a couple on September 17th, 2010…

We conceived a child on December 31st, 2011. Due to an ectopic pregnancy, we lost our child on February 21st, 2012. We broke up, we made up, we cried together, we lived in silence together for many days after that. I asked him to marry me on July 7th, 2012. We were married on October 25th, 2014…

We began trying for our next child in May of 2016. I was diagnosed 3 days before my 33rd birthday with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My doctor advised that I could eventually have children, it is just going to be a bit harder for me. She recommended I stay the course with metformin and advised she wants me to drop weight (though that is extremely hard with PCOS) before we start trying again. At my weight the pregnancy would be high risk from the start and to really drive it home, I would be at a very high risk of a stillbirth. I spend the following day, Saturday the 17th of September crying in my husband’s arms. I feel defeated, afraid, and alone. He tried his best to reassure me that I am not…and I believe him as much as my wounded hope allows me to.

Just this past Saturday, October 15th marked National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I read through posts about friends who have lost. Those who have conceived since. Those who were remembering their lost lights. I toyed with the idea of making a post; discussing my feelings and my experience. As I stared at the flashing cursor, the words were invisible. I dipped between remembering that day, remembering the emptiness I saw in my then boyfriend’s eyes, and the words neither of us could say. The hurt we could not repair in each other. The questions, the anger, the confusion. How do you take a day meant for healing and speak the words that still grip and slice my tongue like hot razors? How do I express joy for the folks I love who are able to conceive when I rub my belly and wonder to myself if life will thrive inside?

I sometimes wonder if the guilt will ever go away? The first step to airing out the attic of shame and sadness that lingers in my heart is to change those dates to truths:

1 in 4 women have experienced child loss. 1 in 10 women have PCOS. 1 in 6 women have experienced rape.

I am one of those women. I still remember those dates. I still remember and will never forget those dates…but I have so many other dates to look forward to:

My 25th wedding anniversary will be October 25th, 2040. My 50th birthday will be September 19th, 2033.

…and someday, unknown to me just yet, I’ll be a Mom. Until then, I’ll just keep counting dates and working my way to that person I have yet to meet but so desperately want to. Loving the person I was unable to. And healing, one day at a time.

#Journal #PCOS #Rape #National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

#Health #Water #Music

”I wasn’t put here just to lust for you.”

#Twin Shadow #Flatliners #Pump Pump Pump It Up #music

It’s only water

It’s only fire

It’s only love...

#It's Only #Odesza

The Cost of Being Dishonest

I have a terrible habit of being dishonest. It could be a trait that I have inherited or perhaps learned...but it's a painful one.

I know what you're thinking and no, I've never committed a dastardly act that would find me behind bars. My dishonesty is an emotional one. You see, I'm not comfortable in declaring when something or someone has hurt me. I don't take gentle care to avoid situations that may be a great disservice to my emotional state. I instead charge through them and I lie.

Those cost of this dishonesty at times is a loss of authenticity within my own friendships and relationships. I silently bubble with emotion and yet I have perfected a mask so realistic that at times I confuse myself. Which face is real? Which feeling is true?

The heaviest on my heart hit me as I visited a good friend who had just given birth to a new edition. As she swaddled this perfect little girl, she asked when my husband and I would begin trying. I went through my mental Rolodex of excuses: financial security, moving into the right space, getting into better shape before trying. She looked up as I trailed off from my nervous bantering to add, "You know, you always have excuses when it comes to not starting your family. There will never be a perfect time and you just have to jump in and start. If you keep waiting for the perfect time, the opportunity will pass you by."

I nodded and said, "Yeah, you're right."

Pause.

This is not what my head was screaming at me. This is not what caused my heart to palpitate or my lips to purse so tightly. I wanted to get out of the chair and run as far as I could as fast as I could. I wanted to scream as loud as I could. Instead, I fucking nodded. I chose the easier path: to feign agreement and hightail it out of the conversation. If I had chosen to live in my truth, the conversation would have ended much differently. I would have said, "While I am so stoked that the cards have fallen so much easier for you when it comes to fertility and family planning, that's not the case for me and I find it a wee bit insulting that you're giving someone with fertility issues a talk about timing and it's taking all that I can to be here and share in your joy when I would give all that I have to be where you are right now."

You see, I was pregnant before. After going through an ectopic pregnancy that my husband and I got through silently, both together and alone, we weren't eager to revisit that again. Shortly after that experience, my body never was the same. I was no longer having regular cycles and haven't since.

That was nearly 4 years ago.

We made the decision to start trying earlier in the year and honestly, I am terrified. My inability to have a regular cycle makes "timing" a thing that is nonexistent for us. I've got my first appointment to speak with a doctor about options to help us with fertility in the upcoming week. I'm nearly 33 and trying for my first child and while there is excitement, there are also folks that just don't understand. They don't understand why statements like, "Oh, just have a lot of sex and it will happen!" and "Oh, if you're afraid of another ectopic pregnancy you are just going to never try again and you just have to get over it!" make me want to rip my hair from my scalp.

Then there is of course my personal favorite: "Just don't think about it and try and it will happen."

No, no see that is something that super fertile mid twenties women can say. Not an overweight, over stressed 32 year old woman who already went through an ectopic pregnancy and has a cycle that can vary from 24 days to the longest which was 76 days.

I've gotten to that point where I am tired of paying the cost of not speaking my truth. The cost being the crying sessions in the shower so my husband can't hear me. The avoiding my pregnant friends and new mother friends because watching them fills me with an unspeakable sadness which then turns to guilt for not putting my own feelings aside to be supportive and fully there. The wrestling with these emotions on a daily basis.

I'm all out of emotional currency. Folks are going to just have to hear the truth...and that is horrifying and freeing.

#Honesty #001 #Ectopic Pregnancy #Fertility #Relationships #Friendships #Reflection