Beep Boop

My name is CJ and I normally do OCs, TF2, and the occational butt stuff. Enjoy.

[shitpeoplesayintf2]

[markiplier]

Journal Entry #2

Can sucking dick be considered cardio?

I know it sounds crazy…

…CRAZY LIKE A DICK SUCKING FOX!!

But hear me out ok? What if when your gobblin on that schloonger you take into consideration the fact that you’re basically doing some pretty advanced high-altitude cardiovascular training. You know, like this:

But instead of a mask it’s a dick. You’re like Bane but with a dick in his mouth. And instead of running you’re head-banging like you’re at a rock concert. Anyway, just food for thought.

I’m so glad I can share my intimate thoughts and concerns with you guys. I feel like I can finally be open with you.

Much love. Stay woke. Suck well.

-Mark

[m0rkl]

[markiplier]

Finally someone who gets it!

[valenkt]

No fun allowed

[bungiesdestiny]

Everyone knows that at the end of the stream Todd Howard is going to walk out in a full vault suit and say “war…..war never changes……but Skyrim does” and will announce Skyrim is being ported to fallout 4

[bungiesdestiny]

Now with paid mods!

[bungiesdestiny]

Get your special edition Dohva vault! Only 5.99 with preorder!

[paper-mario-wiki]

if u ever find a genie and you’re really craving a dessert that looks like this:

do NOT say “i’d like a lifetime supply of raspberry crowns”

while this is, in fact, the name of the pastry, it’s ALSO the name of a species of wasp for some reason. the genie, being a nasty trickster, will no doubt give you a bunch of wasps.

[shitload-of-muses]

this is an oddly specific post are you ok

[thenatsdorf]

“Do I look like I eat bugs?!”

[emchromatic]

I love this frog so much I drew a comic of it.

[awesome-books-you-must-read]

“No! Please! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know!“ the man yelled. "Really?” said Vimes. “What’s the orbital velocity of the moon?” “What?” “Oh, you’d like something simpler?” 

― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

[incorrectdiscworldquotes]

Carrot: Mister Vimes… has done time.

Sally: What for?

Carrot: No one knows for sure. He changes the story every time you ask him.

Vimes: I tackled the King of the Dwarves.

Vimes: I went back in time and kicked my old sergeant in the balls.

Vimes: I fought the man who summoned the Dragon Queen.

Vimes: I killed a werewolf...with this thumb.

Carrot: Reg ran weapons for the resistance.

Sally: Which resistance?

Carrot: He won't say. Apparently they didn't win.

Carrot: Don't ever go to parties with Nobby Nobbs. He's been banned from the Mended Drum AND the Bunch of Grapes.

Carrot: Cheery there? Ran away from her house at twelve. Got hired by the Alchemists' Guild as an instructor. And then, she got fired for blowing up the Guild House three times in one day.

[graveyardrabbit]

[incorrectdiscworldquotes]

“Self care is drinking 3 pots of coffee and getting into a fistfight with a dragon”

— Sam Vimes, probably

[starstuffandalotofcoffee]

Me: I want to be Sam Vimes when I grow up

Me: *gets insufficient sleep and has to deal with bureaucratic bullshit*

Me: this is not what I meant

[attilarrific]

“Be generous, Sir Samuel. Truly treat all men equally. Allow Klatchians the right to be scheming bastards, hmm? In fact the ambassador is just a pompous idiot. Ankh-Morpork has no monopoly on them.”

—

Terry Pratchett, Jingo

I love that this book goes through, like, a billion little tiny moments of Sam Vimes tries very hard to be a good person and does his best despite his upbringing and culture. Sam Vimes realizes what microagressions are (”Not very funny jokes, come to think of it”). Sam Vimes call his best friend out on using racist language. Sam Vimes realizes he just thought someone who’d lived in Ankh-Morpork for ten years couldn’t speak the language, and that is a bad thought.

And Sam Vimes realizes he is working so hard at trying not to be racist (and go him, for that) that he’s refusing to let Klatchians be people–which is to say, sometimes dicks.

Because Sam Vimes is still fucking up, still learning, but also, the fact that he is trying so hard is putting him miles away from people like, say, Rust. Or even Colon (who does learn a bit by the end!). It’s okay to fuck it up. You will always fuck it up. But just because you are fucking up does not erase the fact that you are trying, and just because you are trying does not erase the fact that you are fucking up.

[theshepherdscrown]

“Vimes had never got on with any game much more complex than darts. Chess in particular had always annoyed him. It was the dumb way the pawns went off and slaughtered their fellow pawns while the kings lounged about doing nothing that always got to him; if only the pawns united, maybe talked the rooks round, the whole board could’ve been a republic in a dozen moves.”

— Terry Pratchett, Thud!

[theradioghost]

inspirobot has some words of encouragement for any struggling city guard captains out there,

[wastrelwoods]

some very very good vimes facts™ i have picked up while rereading jingo

absentmindedly strikes matches using sgt. detrius, who is made of rock, on multiple occasions

murmurs sarcastic clapbacks under his breath during official city council meetings, while vetinari glares at him. the saltiest bitch in the game

allergic to paperwork, apparently solely because he can’t stand his coworkers spelling and/or punctuation from hell

thinks “so are we gonna have a war or what” is appropriate diplomatic dialogue

literally so noir that he takes extra unofficial patrols to stand in the rain at 3 in the morning and brood 

and fucking loves it

honestly doing his best to work against a lifetime of ingrained prejudices. not perfect but t r y i n g

fluent in latatian (discworld latin) or fucking close enough for a guy with presumably no secondary education

doesn’t give a shit about the laws of space and time, just the good old laws of ankh morpork. get that supernatural shit outta here 

can toss his sword high enough to spin three times and still catch it by the handle

“a watchman is a civilian you inbred streak of piss”

will only eat food which Sybil has burnt beyond recognition cooked over the flame of a live swamp dragon

so in love with his wife, gets really flustered every time she speaks

a knight, but incredibly embarrassed about it

by the end of this book pretty much the second most powerful man in the city, being a duke in a kingdom with no king, and still really embarrassed about it

ghost rides the whip piloting a boat through a deadly thunderstorm on not one but TWO separate occasions (here and in snuff), still doesn’t know how the fuck boats work

calls the prow of a ship ‘the sharp part’

i can’t let this go by without mentioning this sonofabitch also ARRESTED TWO OPPOSING ARMIES and then his OWN TYRANT in order to stop a war like how incredibly Extra–

fuckin made me cry again guys ive read this book like ten times

[wintersmitth]

Am I doing the meme right? 

[charlemane]

one of my favorite things about Sam Vimes’s character arc is that it’s literally your classic “gruff cop with ideals gets worn down by reality, descends into cynicism and booze” journey in reverse. 

I mean, it happens the normal way around the first time, but we don’t really see the first time- in Sam’s first introduction, he’s literally lying in a gutter. He’s already been chewed up and spat out, already seen the ugliness of the world and bent beneath it.

And then every book from there on out has him getting back up. It’s not a straightforward road, but he takes it anyways, and sure, he’s still cynical and still worn down, but he’s still got his ideals (though I’m not sure he’d like to call them ideals- maybe standards would do) and he cleans himself up and bit by bit, he works on cleaning up the world around him, too. He gets a family. He learns to accept others more openly than he had before. He still sees the ugliness in the world, but he confronts it instead of accepting it as just the way things are. Because there’s a way things should be, and he cares about it.

Sam Vimes, gruff cop with standards, ascends from cynicism and booze, starts wearing down on reality.