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[hotcloroxenema]

there's a week long bike race going on in my town and for some reason the finish line is on my block. i literally had to argue with some stupid police woman to be able to get in to my own garage and now there are a million stupid screaming hillbillies with cowbells and whistles outside my window keeping me in an overstimulated fight or flight state and draining my traumatized autistic ass of any energy i might have had today.

[hotcloroxenema]

someone rubbed their tit in front of me at work and now i feel like i've been raped again

[hotcloroxenema]

i am so angry right now and can not stop having flashbacks about my mother. that's what they are: flashbacks because what she did to me was abuse. decades of abuse that had me hiding under my desk and trying to run away, drinking myself silly in college when she sent me letters telling me I was going to fail.

fuck her for doing it. fuck him for handwaving it all away and doing nothing to protect me. he knew exactly the person he was marrying and chose to have children with her. he was complicit. fuck them both.

non abusers don't tell a 9 year old he's going to crash and burn. eat shit. happy father's day to both of your miserable bitter asses. hope you piss yourself to sleep tonight you narcissist fucks.

[hotcloroxenema]

i'm not ok with ice but i'd support a government agency to round up people who make simpsons references and put them in small cages in the arizona heat.

i am ok with that.

[hotcloroxenema]

shivering panic attack out of nowhere. it would probably help if i could cry but it's simply not something that i'm able to do. in the last ten years i've maybe cried three times - once under a barrage of confusion from my abusive ex, once when my cat died and once when my mother used christmas morning to put me on trial for being a recovering suicidal person struggling with the sensory overwhelm of the holidays*.

i sure as hell don't cry now.

i found out today that i very likely have dysgraphia and/or dyspraxia which unlocked a chain of traumatic memories. i'm very clumsy and have struggled with fine motor movements (especially handwriting) for my whole life particularly as a child and to this day i will do anything to avoid writing by hand if i possible. i also can't chop vegetables or use tools to save my life which resulted in a lot of embarrassment and social sanctioning on theatre sets in college.

i had just thought i was a stupid failure. apparently i'm more than that. i'm a stupid disabled failure.

this is really common in people who have adhd (diagnosed) and autism (waiting on an assessment) but instead of seeing their child as someone who needed help my parents took this as another cue to mentally emotionally and physically abuse and shame me for struggling with what was clearly a disability.

i'm sure if i had a time machine someone else would have killed hitler with theirs. i would go back in time and pressgang my parents into therapy if i couldn't convince the stupid fucks to use a condom.

great now i'm thinking about them fucking. as if i didn't see my father naked enough growing up. god i hate him.

*(i got hospitalized again two months later and she wouldn't even talk to me on the phone while i was on the psych ward.)

[hotcloroxenema]

sentience is just the ability to remember pain

[hotcloroxenema]

go ahead and rape me i'll pretend i'm a confused french girl and wear a black skirt and a wig made of your piss

grab at my cock like a pediatrician then get mad at me for trying to defend myself and treat me like a nickelodeon gak tube

[hotcloroxenema]

having a don't touch me panic attack cause a friend's cold face grazed mine during an unwanted hug that reminded me of my father. 'rape victim' now feels like an inescapable label. like a big ugly sign on my back. glad i only told the entire internet.

the fact that i'll one day slip up and tell my cold hearted mother about this and receive no response is going to keep me in bed for the next two days.

current mood: trying to convince myself that inescapable and label don't rhyme too much so my autism don't keep me up all night.

[hotcloroxenema]

i spent an hour talking to someone from RAINN the other night because i didn't know how to define what happened to me and after six years that was really starting to bother me. they say what happened to me was rape. and sexual assault. and sexual abuse. but also rape.

i didn't know if i had the right to use the word rape in describing it. i don't think i can come to terms with that for a while. even years after it happened i only thought of myself as an abuse victim not a rape victim. i once called it sexual assault during a therapy session and felt really guilty afterwards.

so many vomity thoughts right now.

why does all the light in my vision dim when i try to write about this?

why do i feel good right now?

why can't i just be an orangutan? because i no longer have any innocence. that's why.

why can't i be an orangutan babysitter then? that's the only good thing you can do in this world but i'm too old to learn indonesian and apparently that's the language orangutan orphans are babysat and taught in. i would learn indonesian for them if i could...