Mom Brain
Why must you torment yourself so. With the pain of memories and the tortured mistakes that you just can't forgive yourself for. Paced back and forth to discover and implement a plan to undo the done, and forgive the damned. ... Forcing complex discussion on what it could be that will not allow your mind to see sunlight. And even in sunlight, it's so real- it's falling. This down pour of rain, how can no one else see it, you taste it and feel it running over your feet as if you were standing in New Orleans streets. Overstuffed couches in the psychiatric doctors offices, something to hold to when normal can't mold to, the way you've been and will be forever. A lifetime of wondering what value this life has when rest beneath a dew strewn field and cool wet soil seems a better lover than a man or a mother. We cannot turn it off as much as we struggle selfishly to find the right combination of drugs to inhibit or otherwise. we can merely pray. For time between episodes and clarity before your next impossible-to-predict, unforgiving, unguided decay. When you had me you struggled with nothing to offer, you were told that love wouldn't indulge the appetite of your daughter. That love wouldn't create character and suffering was cruel. To end my life was a must, and if so chosen you had the fuel. To do what your father said was appropriate at best, lest; Your love was compelling and unmoved and eternal. And imperfect and wild and crazy, and fruitful. I love what our life has made me, and I'm changed forever by circumstances neither of us could've predicted to be true. I love that you don't care how loud your laugh is, and the way you mother me even as an adult. And I hope someday I'm half a mother as you. Despite the desire and struggle and wars waged to dig up the past only to give it a proper burial, despite manic episodes and fighting to regain any resemblance of control and independence that makes a person sane. I've learned that love is all that matters. I've learned that love is enough! Even when fighting your troubled brain.
