Maybe yearning her attention is tiring at ts point,, eell tiring for her anyway.. i wantrd to talk a bit.. discuss our stuff, but overall im getting nothing back.. i argued last nivht to buy expensive rsckets for her, id finish anythjng she needed help on, yet all im getting tonight is "practice mjna" this or "busy" that, most of her free time isnt even mostly on me.. or is sometimes just too short.. i was dtressed, hesd hurts, body tired. Yet im forced to keep on going like its my mission. Slowly i feel my suicidal thiughts returning.. my intrusive thoughts to shot a gun up my skull just.. haydt.. im thankful.. thankful she helped in stopling it.. helped in lessening it.. but yet im here looking at the wall, staring at it.. left alone.. all and deeply alone,, i used a very fucked up way to calm myself, sincr i was expecting it from her as per usual again.. but ofc left with a rejection, broken promises i suppose.. i hate ts, i hate myself for even being like ts.. what a world to be in.. oh what a joyous lifr to hsve for me.... i just feel like she deserves better atp.. oh.. oh fuck.. i hate you self. Yet ill forgive you if she evr so wished.