Daydreams & Dissociation

Traumatized art and nerdy ramblings

[dozydawn]

[huntingivy]

Fun DID fact of the day: some switches are quiet, and I don't realize they're happening. A lot switches, though, are like hard reboots. I feel like I'm running Windows '97, and I do a hard reboot. Somewhere, I'm vaguely aware of my surroundings, but pretty soon, 10 minutes have passed, and some new profile is logged it.

[huntingivy]

My whole life is keeping an updated bullet point list in my head so that when I switch, I know what's going on and can stay safe. I'm trying to experiment with letting go of the list. My family is getting confused.

[huntingivy]

One time, my grandpa tried to murder my grandma with a hammer. (Can you even say that on this app? Whatever. This is my therapy today.) Then he tried to off himself with pills. He was miraculously unsuccessful on both counts. I was at the ER before we knew what happened, and I stayed with grandma through that first awful night. The nurse kept checking in on her and asking what she remembered. Every time, she remembered a little more. "Someone was bangin' on me," in her old lady, depression era, Tennessee drawl. I spent that night terrified I'd be there, alone, when she remembered her husband of 50+ years tried to kill her because Charlie Sykes convinced him Obama was going to put the rich people in concentration camps.

Some 16 hours later, I sat on the beach in the dark crying. My dad called to admonishing me for "airing our dirty laundry" by asking for good thoughts for my grandparents who were in the hospital. It wasn't a secret they were in the hospital, but to hear him tell it, my single request for well wishes after over a day of hospital bedsides, a police interview, and vending machine meals would be the single thing that would cause the down fall of our empire.

Fuck him. I'm done keeping my mouth shut when I need support.

[huntingivy]

First time seeing my art as stickers.

[huntingivy]

Trying to use art to stop hating myself.

[huntingivy]

The thing no one mentions in shitty TV portrayals of DID or fun tiktok videos about alters trying different foods is how much switching can feel like dying. Somewhere in my head is me, screaming, gasping, desperate to get out. Somehow, I know that she wants to be free and in front because she's stuck in some liminal hell right now. But here I am, finger painting and eating a lunchable and silently crying while I watch Princess and the Frog.

[glimblshanks]

Actually I hope Lower Decks runs well past the point of jumping the shark, and some day we get a season 18 episode 9 reveal that Mariner has a Secret Evil Sibling. I want that Sybok energy.

[glimblshanks]

Their name is Breckett Marinara and they look exactly like Mariner except for their mandatory Villain Beard™

[huntingivy]

And Breckett teams up with William Boimler and Section 13 to recruit regenerated Locarno.

[huntingivy]