Happened upon this the other day when we were unpacking and going through things. Kaya was the cutest puppy, this was our family’s Christmas card that year, my dad always put all the animals’ names on there , they were family.
I told my dad where we were going the day we picked her out. He tried to talk me out of it, and into another cat. Yet, when we got there, she was the one, not another word was said, she waddled over to the fence, my dad picked her up, and that was it.
He was always the one who was with me when I had my first animal, my first cat–a Christmas present from him, Leilani. She snuck out of her box, out from under the tree and my sister screamed, she thought it was a rat. He was with me when I found her in the pasture when she died, it looked like she was sunning herself. I screamed that time and crumbled, he comforted me and assured me that she appeared to have passed peacefully. He gave me my best friend growing up, my first husky–Toby, short for Anelamakananinakea, pretty little angel eyes–she was red and white with a yellow and blue eye. I had ironically named her after our old dog, Toby, a husky shepard, except i had told him the new Toby wouldn’t die. She did, of course as we all learn, despite our childish wishes. He was with me then too, her cancer had become too advanced, we had no idea how far it had spread..skin, possibly mammary and that horrible morning, I think now it had to have metastasized to her brain. She had been off all night, I slept with her on the floor of my room, held her all night; she seemed to rest more peacefully with me beside her. That morning, I woke him up and told him we had to get her to the vet, she cried out the whole way there, as did I, she seized, and died, in my arms. My dad tried to revive her. We cried together. That dog and I grew up together. The pain of losing her was difficult, we got a lab, but only another husky would help fill that void.
He got me my first horse, and was with me through every fall, or injury, me or the horse. And he was with me when i got Kaya….our first year away, i even flew her home for Christmas, it was outrageous, but Kaya was family.
I waited too long to tell him i had surrendered Kaya after she bit Sophia. I cried when i told him, ugly cried, because i gave up on my family. I let him down, and her. But he laid to rest my fears of his disappointment, i could hear the sadness in his voice, but his reassurance helped, was a balm to my wound and a light in the fog to my confused heart. Sophia is a part of me and whatever reaction was triggered in Kaya, was unsafe. Prey drive, instinctual, eventually my desire to provide for them both an unencumbered life meant I had to part with a member of my family.
This Christmas card reminded me how much my animals are my family, and how grateful I am for the love of animals my father has instilled in me. I only hope my daughter shares this love. I want to be there for her firsts, as my dad was.
I hope to get her a puppy this summer when I finish my doctorate, and nurse practioner, when I can give this new animal a proper welcome into our family. And to initiate her into this brotherhood, or sisterhood of animal companionship.
I thought I was doing better about this crying mess, but apparently not. I rehatched these memories–how raw the scars still are. Almost lightning-quickened, as I listen to the rain, these thoughts are half-iluminated in my mind, shadows and brightness ,yet felt in the pit of my stomach like the earthy soul and bone reverberation of thunder. I still miss my family, my dad, my mother, my sister, halfway across the country in Colorado. And i miss my dog. Yet, I am reassured in her place. And I am hopeful for the person my daughter will be. The ideals, habits and beliefs she will hold dear. I hope the lessons she learns in life are true, raw, and heartfelt, that she knows love, and loss and when it is best to let go. I have let go, but I’m still coming to terms with letting go.
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