Broken

Just a broken soul trying to put it all together                                                               Ghost Blog

[hurtingsoul500]

Love inspires your desires, it helps get rid of your nightmares. Love stays with you in the dark, cold, nights and love aids in the pains of life.

Love makes you want to draw, and write poetry of what could be, it makes you want to stare at the sky in a summers day and be grateful of everything you see and smell.

His love was destruction, his lack of texting and the endless waiting made me want to stay in bed all day and wait for him to say hello. His love made me want to stop doing what I love to love him instead of doing what I’m passionate about.

I put the paintbrushes away, and my inspiration disappeared, the beauty of a snow day went away and all I saw was dark dead snow.

He took away what I loved and didn’t consider what I felt once. He never messaged first, he never asked me how I was doing, I tried, I begged to be in his life but he didn’t want me there. I guess it just took me too long to realise and I waited too long until I broke myself.

[insomniac-dot-ink]

Frankenstein’s monster being called just “Frankenstein” is actually poetic justice on a meta scale. Oh, so you’re going to reject your son/creation for fear of God and his hideousness?? You won’t give him a name and only call him “Creature”?? Well everyone forever is going to only remember him by your family name.

How’s that feel Victor?

[girlfromenglishclass]

I’m gonna flex on other English majors by referring to Lady Macbeth as “Macbeth” and to Macbeth as “Mr. Macbeth” 

[memorijal]

sorry i’m late, professor. im disenchanted with the human experience and waking up every morning thrusts me into an instant existential crisis

[hurtingsoul500]

It’s getting harder

Everyday seems the same, I’m lost in a cycle of repetition.

I put my best foot forward to get out of bed and do my best but it all feels emotionless and useless at this point.

If my fear of death and the afterlife wasn’t so big I would’ve been done with all this a long time ago. If I didn’t have my mum, sister and a few other people I love I would’ve been through.

I don’t brush my teeth in the morning anymore, or do the things I care for, I don’t feel to speak or message anyone and getting in the shower becomes harder everytime even though the water makes me feel like I’ve been born again.

I don’t go out anymore unless it’s to se my boyfriend once a month and this all just seems pointless it’s all getting more tiring by the day and I constantly feel like I’ve got a grey cloud i top of me again.

[hurtingsoul500]

Sleepy

Everytime I go to his house he gets surprised about how quickly I fall asleep and dislikes it in a sense because he wants to spend time with me or stay up watching his favourite movies and he said something last weekend that made me think.

He put on a movie and it wasn’t even midnight when I told him I was going bed and he said, “you’re normally up at this time”, basing himself on the times we message eachother when I’m at home but I didn’t understand why.

It’s now Wednesday and I’m up thinking about how I’ve got a meeting for university at 9:30am and I thought about his comment and it all made sense.

At home the nights are sad, I’m alone, cold, thinking about a tomorrow, thinking of what I’ve got to do for the next week, finding a job, arguing with my family, there’s always something except sleep. But with him it’s all different.

After long nights lacking sleep stepping into his room is revitalising. It smells like him and it’s the bed he sleeps in, there’s no family shouting in the background, there’s no loneliness because he’s always by my side, it’s not cold, not temperature wise it’s a warm feeling inside of you, and theirs cuddles. I guess it’s all the little things he doesn’t know because I didn’t know myself until now. I’m just glad he’s around and at least I’ve got there to go spend some time at for a break once in a while.

[hurtingsoul500]

Antisocial

I don't know if it's just me that can't seem to get around to socialising correctly. I always seem to balance between people that give me the ick after a week, people that aren't on my vibe, people that are toxic, or people that son't understand me.

I don't know how to make friends that are into the same things as me and that makes all my friends see me as an antisocial, they think I don't want to talk to them, they think I don't like them, everything becomes a problem and soon enough they leave me too.

But i'm not antisocial just different. I like to sit at home and paint in a dark room lit by just a yellow light, I like to do my makeup in prison and drink wine, I like to go plant shopping and go to thrift stores, but I just cannot find a group of friends to do everyhting with.

[hurtingsoul500]

How do I?

I wonder where to start on the journey to love myself, I look at the people around me and other people like me are just so comfortable with who they are that it doesn’t make sense to me.

I see girls that are bigger than me with so much confidence that I wish I had but I can’t even get around to looking at myself naked in the mirror, let alone believe that the people around me might like the body I have.

My sister’s always telling me every part fo your body functions and you should at least be grateful for that, and I am, but I am not happy with the way it is and I can’t love something I don’t like.

I’ve read endless amounts of books on self- love and self- care but as this non endless quarantine carries on looking at myself in the mirror gets harder, I haven’t lost or gained any weight this quarantine and that a plus but I am so much less confident than I was in March and it hurts.

I am meant to be seeing this boy on Saturday, but my confidence is so low I am desperate to ghost him, last time I went out with a guy was over two months ago and I’ve never been rejected before but I am so low right now I don’t even know what to do anymore.

[hurtingsoul500]

Lyrics #1

Come to the land of the lost and lonely Don't be afraid, we'll be one big family Of freaks like you and me I know a place where the bruised and broken Live like the kings and the queens of tragedy Just freaks like you and me We are the freaks

[hurtingsoul500]

14/12/2020

I sit in my room, it’s 4:27am in London. It a cold winter rising and there's heavy rain pouring outside my window, I’m listening to ‘Be - Hozier’ and I’m wrapped up head to toe in layers of blankets, the British culture I suggest to myself and cackle a little.

I posted on my instagram story not long ago, hopelessly awaiting for you to see the story, I sit here typing and checking the views every couple minutes to see if by any miraculous chance you're awake at this time on the rising of a Monday.

I wonder if you are so I can use that as an excuse to send you a ‘you up?’ message. All our encounters so far have solely been based on sex and as much as it hurts for me to recognise I’ve hurt you, probably even broken your hopes in a sense.

When we started talking that stormy September weekend you wanted a relationship, you had hopes of love, you wanted a future with me, but I have let you down time and time again and lead you to confusion.

Behind your back I've had various encounters with other people whilst fronting you with excuses, I even had a short one week relationship and deleted you putting up excuses that my mental health was in a shit place, and for that I am sorry, I just need to find the words to tell you that myself.

You used to FaceTime me every-time I posted about having a nightmare, and you’d call me whenever you’d loose at a video game because you said I made your day better, but now its all just emptiness and hurt.

My boundaries are so high and my trust and commitment issues are so strong that I couldn’t let you in, I couldn’t give you access to me and decided to hurt you instead to keep you away, but now at these horrible hours of endless darkness and loneliness I miss you, I need to talk to you but I fear messaging you incase I’m met with a half hearted response, or worst no response at all.

I hope you can forgive how I toyed with your mind and broke down all your hopes and plans with me.

- Vega

[hurtingsoul500]

The people that you want never want you back.

So the other day I sat on the edge of my bed thinking why do the people that I like never like me back, for sure I attract some pretty good looking boys, but I never attract them for being me they always look at the body, the sex, and don’t even give themselves the chance of getting to know me.

I sat there for hours, almost missed an essay dealing because of the time wasting but eventually realised it isn't them but me. 

I don’t yet love myself, I am not where I want to be, my mental health isn’t healed. I have traumas, and problems, depression, and mild PTSD. I can’t expect to attract good energy from anyone when at times I can’t even deal with myself. 

I try so hard to fit in at times that I finish practically only listing the qualities of me that make me more sexually appealing than other girls, I never talk about the depths inside my head, the stories I believe in, what I cry about at night, what makes days brighter for me, or what triggers my complete loss of appetite for weeks on end. 

If I don't acknowledge these parts of me myself how can I ever expect someone to love me, its taken me 20 years to understand the concept of to love someone you must love yourself, but in reality I don’t even know who I am because of all the facades let alone love myself, it would be just like loving a stranger. 

A stranger can’t love a stranger. Maybe this is why everyone I attract is broke, emotionally available, hooked onto a previous relationship, or hurt. I always criticise myself and why I let me be with people like them but I am one of them.

[hurtingsoul500]

For months I sat upset thinking of accidentally running into you, after you left I didn’t even want to leave the house in fear of running into you and freezing.

I knew if I saw you again my heart would break again and it was still so fragile it could not deal with that again.

You taught me the magic of sex, the beauty of a companion, the wonders of life, and helped me organise the mysteries in my own head.

In part you helped me find myself though I realise you were just trying to turn me into her and it hurt when I found out but I’m over it now.

I’ll never be over you because I’ve come to believe that you were my first love but I definitely am over the situation, the confusion, the heartbreak, the deception.

You taught me more in heartbreak than in love and I’ll forever value you for that, through you I found the best part of me and I’m forever grateful, but I wish I could’ve done that all for myself without you.

I guess you just live and you learn and I’ll outgrow this one day and laugh about it, at least for now I can go back to the memory flooded places I loved with you and not fear seeing you there with her.

- Vega

[hurtingsoul500]

Notice the tears get replaced with joy, the fears with happiness, the darkness with light, and the memories of you with new beginnings.

One day you’ll look back and you won’t even recognise me anymore.

[hurtingsoul500]

I saw you post her. One year together, congratulations.

But I just wanted to ask you why? Why did you tell me you weren’t ready for something serious? Why did you lead me on? Why did you talk shit about her too me? Why were you still with me when you were already with her?

I guess those are the questions I ask myself every night when I lay in bed thinking that I was nothing more than a stepping stone towards your soulmate, that I’m the one that got in the way.

If you realy do love like you say her did you tell her that we met up at a hotel when you were already official, did you tell her you referred to her as your best friend when talking to me after months of dating her, does she know you wanted to be ‘friends’ after the breakup, and that just one month before your anniversary you messaged me asking how I was doing.

I guess that’s all the shit I have to keep to myself now, hidden messages, memories, and pictures, because I just wasn’t the woman for you, but I really hope she is. I hope she makes you happy and that you never do to her what you did to me, that you learn to be a man and confront your problems instead of hiding them or ghosting them for a week.

Love, Vega