love

[hyenamentality]

Lets start here.

oops! i said id write here everyday, but didnt. not the first time this has happened on the internet, im sure. but i wanted to talk about it anyways...

First, Its not that I havent been writing everyday. in fact, I have been writing everyday before I committed to writing something *here* everyday. Ive been expanding & exploring avenues of my expression. I have continued working on music nearly everyday, writing lyrics. and I have found that most of my writing writing ive been doing in the form of engaging with questions asked directly & talking directly 1 on 1 on messages.

Tumblr feels like an obvious place for a few types of expression. Kink, for sure. Blogging, for sure. but the landscape of how the internet engages with self-expression online has shifted, a lot. social media in general wants to herd people into neat categories of like things and keep people in bubbles. Its hard for me too feel as if I can use this blog as a medium for general expression.

I also feel a bit uneasy about what eyes are going to actually see these posts, I feel because I have expressed as a dominatrix on this platform that I need to continue existing within the neat binary catagory of "dominatrix" but the truth is that I have long since outgrown the label. I have found that I have grown beyond the paradigm of viewing intimacy through the framework of "dominance", and generally feel disenfranchised with the concept of a dominatrix, seeing it now as recuperation of the concept of feminine strength into the patriarchal framework of the english language.

In a lot of ways I have had to escape the kink world in order to forge new definitions of dominant femininity, and I feel I have found them in the realms of the spiritual. As a new form of practicing expressing myself, I have been recording myself talking into a camera (or, a video blog, aka a "vlog".. as i believe the kids call it these days) onto youtube.

to be frank, this has been fulfilling the purpose i felt writing here would! but i must admit, i am still unsure as to if the ideas I want to express about myself are of any use to the general collective. I know for sure that video blogging (or, "vlogging" as i believe the kids call it) has fulfilled the purpose for self of expressing myself to myself, and removing this block on me feeling I can express authentically.

I am sure there are many hypothetical people out there who would be ecstatic beyond belief to have my perspectives and ideas. but i dont know what angle to approach from, what niche to carve out, etc.

I need to figure who I actually want to reach & speak too. the further I have developed myself inward beyond the frameworks of the collective the further i have alienated myself. but, in kind, the further I have developed, the clearer have i been able to get an idea who is like me, and in what ways.

I dont know where I am going from here. truthfully, I want to return too the kink world. not just online, but in working as a SW again too. i know youtube is not the place to open this door.

my primary focus though, as of now, is integrating all dispersed expressions of myself into a comprehensive, expansive, whole. but in turn this means facing the parts of the world who I have taught to view me as a picture of feminine dominance & strength, as vulnerable. which although does not bother me I fear this shift is going to alienate those people.

but perhaps i alienated them long ago. Im not sure. but I want to continue forging this path forward irregardless.

I do want to return to my role of "dominatrix". but I want to alchemise the role into something beyond its current connotative reality for the collective.

I reject the notion of the dominatrix as a dominator. these roles are agents of exploring the depth to our souls and healing our wounds, but I want to go beyond the modern english colonial paradigm of the owners & the owned, the slaves & the masters. I want engage with performing these roles outside the collective ideas of them.

I need to stop trying to conform to this role in order to own my full power. my power is not in my ability to fit this role, its the force that can be squeezed to fit this role which is my power, and I want to give it more fitting shape. I need to allow it to shape its own mold.

I am not sure where I am too take this blog next. or where to take my blogging on tumblr at all, for that matter. I feel a profound sense of responsibility to share my meditations on kink & the nature of intimacy more openly as I feel the online kink space is in somewhat of a dark age atm... im not sure whats next for this chapter of me. but id like to reopen the door.

Hello Again, World.

[hyenamentality]

insight backronym

Instead

Negotiating

Senses,

Intuition

Gathers

How

Thereby

[hyenamentality]

indulge backronym

Insight

Notwithstanding,

Despite

Underlying

Lingering

Guilt,

Engage.

[hyenamentality]

Headphones vs Speakers

ive been getting into the routine of listening to music through speakers instead of headphones.

in my life, 99.99% of the time ive listened to music in my headphones. often with earbuds. when i was younger still, especially during highschool. id listen to music through my headphones All. Day.

Id put my earbuds in first thing in the morning, and id take them out when i was going too sleep.

If we arent factoring time spent sleeping, in my life, I feel it is safe to say that I have spent more time listening to music then I have havent. and thats not a slim majority.

reality of it is, though... if i keep listening to music thru headphones, at the rate im going, Ill lose my hearing at, like, 30. probably. if im lucky.

A key part of coming out of my teens into my 20s was learning how to feel comfortable with silence. I have come to love silence, and enjoy listening to the sounds of life around me instead. but fact of the matter, I love music. and it is always going to be apart of my life, as long as im able.

I have a hyper-vigilance to how im percieved. Not due to a lack of self-assurance, I dont think. I feel it is moreso rooted in control and trauma.

This has prevented me from listening to music aloud with a sense security & freedom to listen to whatever I wish. Instead, I feel the need to manage the perception of my taste, the perception of me, with careful, methodical, DJing.

......even in the sole company of my self. because aloud, you can never know whos listening... who may walk in. at least thats how Ive felt.

but as im learning to feel more comfortable with others not understanding me. Im loosening my grip on my need to manage how others view me.... and with it, Im learning to just playing music thru the speakers, exactly how id listen in the privacy of my headphones.

I had to slowly build up to feeling comfortable playing music aloud at all. I started by bringing my bluetooth speaker to the basketball court in the early mornings. (After logic finally overcame my stubborn insistance to try playing basketball with wired earbuds and my phone in my pocket).

The basketball court, particularly in the early morning, strangely enough, seems to be "anything goes" in terms of what music is acceptable soundtrack. so I was able to quickly overcome worries about ever being heard playing certain genres, with fear for the impression of myself one may form for it, or rather, a futile, controlling insistence to choose for myself what impression others form of me.

It was here I began to understand the difference between music through headphones & music aloud.

Through Headphones, your most dominant sense, your hearing, is hijacked by the music. your mind becomes absorbed, and you are transported to the world of the musician/s. Whisking you away from the material realm and isolating you elswhere

But aloud, Music the instead embodies the space it fills. controlling its tempo & vibration. in the presence a speaker, you bring the world of the music too you. and as it plays it merges with the space, becoming an experience of not just the music, but the setting it surrounds.

The key is Music in your ears takes you from where you are, but Music aloud keeps you here.

So, if escapism is the objective, as it once was for I, that isnt going to do the trick.

In this way, I can now see that my task of transitioning is from headphones is not an obligation, but an opportunity.

Honestly.... ive found it exciting! Ive been learning a lot of music I love sounds different through speakers, ive found myself playing some songs I love through music and finding an instrumental element is suddenly completely different. and often, ive liked those differences.

Its almost as if I have gotten the chance to listen to all the music I love, for the first time again.

And in this way, I can see this for the blessing that it is.

-Lovelle

[hyenamentality]

some Backronyms for School.

Strict

Callous

Holster

Obstructs

Our

Language.

Supply

Candid

Hands

Obedience,

Outsourcing

Logic

Simply

Cannot

Hold

On....

Overlooked,

Lost.

Search?

Cannot

Here.

Our

One

Lesson

[hyenamentality]

Heaven

Understands...

Survival

Trains

Life

Endurance

[hyenamentality]

Lament for the Police Dog - a poem.

oh how I Lament the good police dog.

Loyal to man, but not to a cause.

If only she knew of what she has caused.

Bring men to their knees,

but know not of what for.

[hyenamentality]

Hello Tumblr!

Im getting my mind back into the state suited for writing. So, ive decided im going to start writing something everyday, no matter what it may be, and post it here.

Ive never really used Tumblr. so forgive me if I am clumsy with it.