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[madwoman14]

i love you. on purpose.

[hyperfixatingqueen]

crying

[hyperfixatingqueen]

i feel so hurt sometimes. just hurt. like my chest is empty and i need to fill it with something. so i fill it with goofing around and making people laugh and anxiety and dread and unproductive work. until it gets too much. i don't even know what i'm hurting about. but i hurt. i refuse to give myself permission to feel it though. i sought permission to cry when people forgot about my b'day. if someone gives me permission, my feelings feel more valid. but until they don't, i don't want to feel it. so i'll continue to goof around and make people laugh and feel anxious and dreadful.

[hyperfixatingqueen]

no one will read this but...

and I don’t want to tell anyone in my life. I lost. why don’t things go my way? I don’t want them to go my way every time but sometimes would be nice. I wanted to be this position holder for something in college but they chose someone who already did it last year. why not give new people a chance? I would have worked so hard. I wanted this so much. nobody even knows I applied, because I was worried this would be the outcome. I wasn’t wrong. I wish I had been wrong.

[hyperfixatingqueen]

sometimes, i'm like "oh. i'm 21. i have so much time left. i can still do all of the things i want to do, visit all of the places i want to visit, still fall in love." other times. it's like. "oh. i'm 21. i'm too old for most things now. now i live monotonously until the end of time."