I figured out why the way Kataang is written makes me so uncomfortable (and why Zutara feels like the solution to its problems)
For context, I watched the show recently for the first time without knowing anything about it aside from people liking Toph and I guess Katara having haters or something idk. I didn't know there were ship wars and I don't ship usually so I wasn't rooting for anything, sort of just going with wherever the show took me. But with how many parallels they had and some pretty on the nose foreshadowing I assumed from the beginning that Zuko would be redeemed (since he was very obviously trying to be someone he wasn't) and from the necklace scene that him and Katara were going to have some romantic coded connection eventually. And then they had such compelling moments of understanding and being there for each other in important events that contrasted Aang/Katara not understanding each other on that same level and Zutara became like the 2nd relationship I've ever actively cared about in any media.
So when Katara and Aang kissed at the end and I felt super uncomfortable, I just associated it with being disappointed and annoyed at how much they dropped the ball on all the relationships. Going hard on Aang's feelings for her, never showing her side, and then dropping that plot to do all sorts of legwork for Zutara before dropping that plot as well at the last second. I did know a part of it was that I didn't like how the show treated both Katara and Zuko as prizes for their respective pining love interests. It felt like Mai's redemption was only there to justify her 'winning' back Zuko at the end, and that Aang saved the day, so he gets the girl. It felt less about realistic character motivations and more like they need to be mechanically moved into place. But with how viscerally uncomfortable it made me, I figured there was something more to it.
(Disclaimer: I love Aang as a character, he was one of my favorites. I know that he's a kid and he means well. But the way he acted with Katara was mad uncomfy at times and I genuinely hate how the whole plotline went down)
The problem is that the entire show Aang is shown to project his crush onto Katara. One instance I remember was when she was doing chores and was mad at him for not helping prepare, and he said she was just jealous of him getting attention from girls. But we see that this is not the case and she is basically unaware of him as a love interest at all many times later on. And it's like that over and over again. I know because I'm a romance enjoyer and was paying close attention to all these instances and was like, "Oh cute, surely they'll eventually show him grow as a character to be mature enough to meet her at her level, and then show her feelings develop for him in return." But no, for some reason they exacerbate the differences between them as the show goes on. More and more she is there for him, and it is CONSTANTLY framed in a motherly way- they even state in an episode she is like a mother to the group. And more and more he doesn't know how to be there for her, or her emotions are treated by the show as an overreaction or a big joke, or else something that needs to be contained/put aside.
But because we are in Aang's pov whenever romance is brought up between him and Katara, it gets us used to seeing things as he does and attempts to lull us into finding his behavior normal and not considering Katara or her feelings on the matter. Which is what he has been doing the whole show. He's a kid, he just sees romance as gestures and lines. It makes sense but it's something you have to grow out of to understand selfless love. And something the show should have had him grow out of if he was going to end up with her.
Think about it from Katara's perspective. This whole time he has been like a little brother to her and there has been no indication from her that she sees him in any other way. Every example in the show was him projecting because the way she acted was in line with what she was saying but framed purposefully vaguely to justify him interpreting it in this hopeful kid crush way. And because of this he kisses her on the lips without any indication from her that she is okay with that. Even the show knows this is wrong, before they stopped developing the plotline. If you've ever been on the receiving end of something inappropriate like this, you know it is overwhelmingly uncomfortable and humiliating. You end up feeling helpless and just try to avoid the subject and pretend it never happened because it may be seen as an overreaction to something intended as 'innocent'. But in the real world, randomly without warning jump scare headbutt kissing someone is at minimum Super Not Cool. It's not less weird or uncomfortable just because you know the person and know their intentions are good. You ask, or you wait for a sign of reciprocation before doing something like that.
This is the face she made after it happened. It's meant to be uncomfortable at this point. Which is supported by the fact that they utterly do not talk about what happened until the second to last episode. And once they do talk about it, she does what I saw as a realistically complex interpretation of how you'd let someone down easy that you're not into in a way vague enough to leave room for hope because 1) he's about to face the apocalypse, 2) saying "btw I don't love you back" is kind of a morale buster, and 3) he has a tendency to run away at really bad times. This feels like the obvious interpretation if you've ever had to turn someone down when you're backed into a corner like this and trying to avoid upsetting them in a volatile situation. He literally even said the play might have previously put him into the avatar state- what is she gonna do, turn him down bluntly and have the end of the world possibly happen because he can't handle her just wanting to be friends?
And he kisses her randomly AGAIN after she in no uncertain terms said she was not interested (even if just for the time being, it is still a no). Katara of her own autonomy makes it clear it upset her and that she didn't want it. And instead of having him mature from this and resolve what happened between them or literally ANYTHING, they instead REWARD him with her as a romantic partner in the end scene of the show. And regardless of how you interpret it, ending the show with that being their last romantic interaction reinforces this gross idea that women will grow into loving you and just need to be shown their own feelings and when they continuously show they aren't into you at all it just means they're confused. That women are just playing games and to keep pursuing them and not listen to what they say that they actually want. Btw this is well known to be how creeps think to justify harassing and assaulting women. The development of their romantic relationship was essentially:
Aang has feelings -> Aang randomly kisses Katara and she's visibly uncomfortable -> Aang randomly kisses Katara again and she's visibly and verbally upset -> Aang and Katara are together, inexplicably, guess she secretly was in love with him all along~ ???
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The narrative has a responsibility to both the audience and the characters to have the characters learn from their mistakes and flaws. To be punished for their flaws and only rewarded when they earn it. But S3 Aang has the same issues when it comes to what stands between him and Katara as he did in S1, and their relationship is never discussed or resolved before just deciding they're together now. It's funny because for the most part they did this well with Zuko. He constantly failed and was punished for being a bad actor. He is only rewarded with everyone's trust when he goes out of his way to earn it without expecting anything. Thus, the characters choose to befriend him, and he earns his relationships and close scenes. Katara is there for him when he faces Iroh and later Azula because of the trust and friendship he built by being there for her in return, helping her find closure. She chose to form this relationship as a result of his sincere efforts.
Where was Katara's choice when it came to Kataang? She continuously exhibits that she isn't interested but her feelings are never included in the equation. Aang doesn't trust her to make the right decision when she goes to confront her mother's killer and acts like he knows her own feelings and what she needs better than her. It's a consistent pattern of him not considering her side of things. It makes the ending, again, reinforce that it's not all that important to have a partner that accepts and understands you and what you need. To love is to really see someone, to consider them, not try to tell them what they need and how to feel. It is loving them for who they choose to be including the person who doesn't choose you. And if they won't listen to your advice and you can't accept the choices they make, you let them go. You can't deny them a choice to fit them into what you want them to be. (*cough cough* Aang with Katara in TSR and the show with all of Katara's pov to make her end up with Aang)
This is all juxtaposed with Zuko who finds out what the real problem is and constantly considers her and if she's okay at any given time and trusts and backs up her decisions. He doesn't try to tell her what to feel, he asks her what she feels and takes it seriously. The episode ends with Aang and her not on the same page but her and Zuko having this new bond because he saw and heard her and was able to be what she needed in a huge life moment.
There are some pretty big compatibility issues that come up as well that are once more contrasted by just how compatible Zuko and Katara are. Katara and Zuko can't understand sparing Ozai and Aang can't understand her not forgiving Yon Rha. Aang also tends to run away/conflict avoid when things go down and people need him (never really resolved) and Katara won't leave when people need her. Zuko also was shown to match Katara in this way, having an issue with avoiding conflict/doing nothing (sticking around to help that family for instance). He also matches Katara on the day-to-day invisible labor and tendency to keep the group moving forward (both responsible and mature). Katara is usually always the one saving or helping Aang through a crisis which is immediately contrasted when Zuko enters the group, as they are shown saving each other equally and showing up for each other emotionally.
It all paints a picture of Zutara being the opposite of Kataang in that it fixes every problem they have. You have two people who are on the same page and whose input on what relationship they have is equally valued and developed by the story. In every regard they put in equal effort for each other, and both align with and complement each other at the same time. And then you have Kataang where Katara does nearly all the work taking care of Aang and gets no consideration in return, no say. She is merely interpreted from Aang's perspective, which is canonically shown to be unreliable and wrong about her.
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I believe media has a responsibility to think about the kind of message it's sending, because it shapes the culture around it. What kind of message is it sending treating Katara like a wholly unimportant actor in what is literally the canon endgame ship of the show? Treating her as a reward who has no real say and has to be with the main guy cause he's nice and saved the day (despite her own feelings) feels like something an incel would concoct. Especially with how angry he was at the thought she might not like him back despite NEVER ONCE thinking about it from her side. Saying it was built up when the only clear feelings we ever saw were from one side frames women as passive accessories to their male counterpart with perspectives that do not matter. Like he got a trophy for winning. Like she's an object and not a person.
The weird entitlement to randomly kiss a girl just because you like her without thinking the position you're putting her in or if she likes you back also makes me feel sick. And I hate that they made a character I like do something like that multiple times. And I hate that it feels like Katara was forced to kiss him at the end of the show when she was clearly not wanting to both previous times and it never resolved. Idk it feels violating. Like. She wouldn't do that.
And what does it say about so many people treating Zutara as if it's a shallow ship when it's entirely based off of Katara's choices and feelings in the show? While the other ship only exists in canon by ignoring her perspective completely. The story has Zuko see and respect her agency way more than Aang who more projects his own ideology and feelings onto her, along with whoever decided to force that last scene in.
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