If this is too much for you to reply to, I completely understand. I just don't really know who to turn to right now and you always manage to give the most comforting replies to the messages you get. I lost my best friend of 17 years today. They were incredibly unwell mentally and had attempted to take their life multiple times in the time that I knew them. They eventually pursued euthanasia and as far as I know, they've been gone now for just about 2 hours. I live in a different country to them so I doubt I'll be able to go to their funeral but I managed to see them twice over the past 2 months in person and I said goodbye to the best of my ability. I just feel so hollow. Our mutual best friend and I are doing all we can to handle it but its... I feel sick. I feel like screaming and crying and lashing out but I know it will do me no good. I'm trying to sit with the feeling but its just so hard. We're only in our early thirties, we're so young in the grand scheme of things. Life is so cruel and I don't know how I'm going to move forward. I'm really sorry for rambling ;;
The most important thing to do right now is to not torture yourself with "what if"s.
It will do you and your mutual friend good to let out your emotions. You cannot bring your friend back, but you can start to process the finality of death, alongside the immortality of legacy.
Tell stories and laugh. Yell and swear. Anger, love, grief, and even a sense of relief can all co-exist. It would be strange if they didn't.
No place is too mundane to get together with your mutual to talk about your friend. No tribute is too silly. You don't need to do anything extra to make it "special". Hell, my mom and I went straight to breakfast at Cracker Barrel after my dad died in hospice, and of course, conversation turned to him. The cruelty right now is that the world keeps spinning, but you can still bring a piece of your friend along for the ride.
Does your friend's family need help? All the little chores in the wake of death add up and they may find comfort in something as simple as a gift card for dinner. Helping them can be a form of self-care.
Use your own nervous energy to also think about your own affairs, should you pass unexpectedly. Set up a will and make sure the people you care about know your end of life wishes. You have a chance to pre-emptively ease the pain of those who will eventually survive you. And who knows, you may find an interest in Good Death and become an advocate for others. The death of a loved one can ironically make it easier for you to face your own mortality and be at peace here.
Our brains don't cope well with the unresolved. You're going to find yourself reaching out for something that does not exist. It can't be fixed, but it can feel less painful, in time. Seek grief counseling if you feel you need it.
I hate that you have joined this club, of losing a loved one young, when you yourself are also young. You're going to be different now, and it's going to be normal to get frustrated with people who have not experienced similar.
You have the rest of your life to process this loss. Don't feel like there are any milestones to achieve. Don't be surprised to feel a sudden wave of grief at the most random of times. The timeline is different for everyone. All I suggest is that you not shy away from all the emotions you're feeling right now - express them, especially all the fury and despair, so that you can make room for all the love.
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