So you think you’re a Dom?
I have received a lot of messages recently from potential Dominants wanting tips and advice. Usually it goes something like this:
“I think I might be a Dom but don’t know how to get started. I read your post The Gift That Keeps on Giving and that’s exactly the type of girl I want - how did you train her to be that way?”
With the exception of the link which I added for context - that’s an exact copy of a question in my inbox. It’s not the only example and most are worded in a similar way. Sure the post they refer to changes or some of the words are different but the gist is there.
I think my answers have been scaring some of you off. And I am starting to sound like a broken record to myself - so here is my answer for anyone who might care to read it.
First. Understand that most of my writings share moments. They are small snapshots in time. Yes they mean a lot to me and yes they speak to who pup is and our relationship but they are still just glimpses.
You want a “girl like that”? O.K.
Let’s look at that. What is a woman like pup?
She is a warrior. Without a doubt the strongest, smartest, kindest, most intelligent, most self-aware, most empathetic, most generous, most independent and most self sufficient person I know.
No one I have ever met even comes close to her in any of these areas. She’s not without flaws and weaknesses - but look at any part of her life outside of our relationship and you’d be hard pressed to find her match in any of the above qualities.
So how does a woman with all of those qualities also end up being the submissive that you see through my posts?
I relieve her of the burden of caring for herself.
Now. Don’t confuse this with actually breaking her to the point where she doesn’t care for herself - that should never be a goal.
What I DO mean is that she cannot, will not and SHOULD not prioritize me if she has even the tiniest shadow of a doubt that I prioritize her.
I might cum first but she COMES first.
It is my responsibility to care for her more than she has ever cared for herself. She needs to see it. She needs to feel it. She needs to be confident in it.
She needs to be 200% confident that I will not take advantage of her vulnerability and I will not allow her to come to any harm.
She is able to submit to me completely because she does not for a second have to worry about also taking care of herself.
If I fail in that responsibility. If I for one moment put her in a position where she feels she needs to look after herself because I am not then she cannot fully surrender.
That means staying up all fucking night when I see signs that she is going into subdrop before she falls asleep because if she wakes up in the middle of the night I need to be there and be ready to take care of her.
That means when we play out the fantasy of her being tied up and left in a room imagining she is simply waiting for me to use her - I am sitting in a desk chair right outside the door holding a baby monitor linked to one right behind her and out of sight listening for sounds of distress or discomfort.
It means that I don’t get to pick and choose when I’m there for her. Tough day? Stressed? Tired? Distracted?
Even if the best I can do is sit down and ask her to recount her tasks for the day - the successes, failures and how she felt doing them. That’s what happens. Without fail. Sometimes it means hoping to HELL there’s no need for correction or punishment because I know it doesn’t matter how tired I am it will need to be addressed, or if it can’t be that there will need to be a big discussion about it. It’s also giving myself a firm talking to when I hear those thoughts and see the ego and selfishness coming back.
Consistently putting her and our relationship first means that I am just as present and focused on her tasks as she is. Even the simple ones.
The focus exercise where I put on her favorite show, have her kneel with her back to the TV and count the times I tap my leg? I don’t get to focus on the show either because guess what? I need to know whether the number she tells me is correct which means I’m sitting there pretending to watch a show but counting right along with her.
She’s writing lines? I’m there pretending to read a book or work on the computer but actually I’m counting the number of times she stops to rub or stretch her wrists and noting the facial expressions.
She’s naked and humping my leg while I’m fully clothed? When I inspect her and verbally degrade her afterwards I’m also noting any skin irritation and the type of material I was wearing.
Picking out her clothes each day? I need to be better at putting together a good looking, well fitted and occasion appropriate outfit than she is so that means for the first goddamn time in my life I have subscriptions to fashion magazines - which I’ll admit isn’t a place I’d ever find myself but here we are.
You want the fantasy of the woman who is so far in subspace she will agree to do literally anything for you? The woman who has PTSD and is triggered by blood and knife play but is so lost in her devotion and subservience to you she would do it anyway?
Are you strong enough and dedicated enough to her to understand that state is more powerful to her than any drugs or alcohol and decide on her behalf she can no longer consent?
Do you care enough not to abuse that power?
If the answer is no - you lose all rights to call yourself her protector.
Being her Dominant isn’t about me. It’s about HER.
Just like for her being my submissive isn’t about her it’s about ME.
And every single thing I do I get back tenfold. Twentyfold. A thousand fold.
I want her to look at me with respect and adoration. I want her to be the woman who uses all the energy she has left to simply request worshipping me. I want her to run into my arms as soon as I get home even when I left for 5 fucking minutes to get milk and there’s no reason for her to have missed me that much.
I want the love letters that she writes me. Every day. Without ever managing to repeat herself. Always having something new about me to write praise and admiration for. She hides them about the house so all of a sudden I go to play COD and BAM! four page love letter dated from 2 months ago in the cover…
I want her favorite bedtime stories to always be a story about me. Even if it’s a pretty boring one in my view.
I want the smartest woman I have ever known to come to me when she has problems.
The kindest and most empathetic asking for advice on the best way to help others.
The warrior who faces her battles head on and dares her demons to do their worst? I want that woman to come running through the house to wrap herself tightly around my legs because her favorite character in a book died. Or there was loud thunder clap and it made her jump. Or she woke up and I wasn’t there.
The independent and self sufficient woman who has felt that she has had to take care of herself for longer than she cares to remember who relies on me to message her to remind her to eat. To do her hair. To shave her. To dress her.
I want the girl who puts so many walls up with everyone else who responds to stress with a need to be broken down and torn a part because she knows I will build her back. Piece by Piece. Stronger than before.
And yes I want the insatiable slut. My filthy little bitch in heat. Who can be used for hours and still roll over and start humping against my thigh. Who works herself ragged for 12 hours volunteering, comes home to find me watching porn and gets on her knees and opens her mouth without a word.
The first step in training her to be my perfect submissive is allowing her to become my perfect submissive and the only way to do that is to relieve her of the burden of caring and worrying about herself and her own needs.
If I can’t do that for her then she can’t properly let go and submit to me.
This is what really makes us different from vanilla couples. There is no room for selfishness or ego. I put her first. She puts me first - it’s the only way our needs are met.
If it seems like too much work. If you’re too selfish or too lazy or lack the will or lack the time or lack the energy…if you’re not ready for the responsibility. Not ready for the reality then you’re not ready to be a Dominant.
And that is what I will continue to tell the people who send these messages to me.
